Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Week 17: Schedule

All games are on Sunday so we're using the Sunday night game as the tie breaker this week.  So *SOB*  here it is, the final schedule, your Week 17 inventory:

New York Jets at Miami
San Francisco at St. Louis
Carolina at New Orleans
Tennessee at Houston
Washington at Philadelphia
Detroit at Green Bay
Chicago at Minnesota
Indianapolis at Jacksonville
Buffalo at New England
Seattle at Arizona
San Diego at Oakland
Kansas City at Denver
Tampa Bay at Atlanta
Baltimore at Cincinnati
Pittsburgh at Cleveland
Dallas at New York Giants (plus total points)

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Week 16: Results


No beating around the bush here. No tiddly winks and slappy cakes this weeks. I fucking win!


Ha HA!

As you surely recall from the update, Ryan and I were the lone wolves this week. Ryan went out on a limb and picked Atlanta to beat New Orleans on Monday Night. He was the only one in the pool(poop!) to do it. But, as everyone in the pool(poop!) but Ryan knew, Drew Brees is a professional ass kicking machine. The Falcons got in line, made it to the front, Brees kicked their asses and they headed back home.

I'm the big wiener Week 16! I win the WSP!

Gimme gimme gimme!

In any case, that means I win my first WSP this week. Congratulations to me.

OK, enough of that garbage. Here's how Week 16 came out:

1. Matthew Kory ... 13-3
2. Ryan Schultz ... 12-4
2. Joey Bansen ... 12-4
2. Sandy Kory ... 12-4
5. Bill Denton ... 11-5
5. Jon Stover ... 11-5
5. Karl Vaillancourt ... 11-5
5. John Weaver ... 11-5
5. Robin Wood ... 11-5
5. Gedeon Mariam ... 11-5
11. Josh Money ... 10-6
11. Christine Roberts ... 10-6
11. Matthew Mariam ... 10-6
11. Dave Labowitz ... 10-6
11. Zack Klein ... 10-6
16. George Smith ... 9-7
17. Adam Roy ... 8-8
17. Paddy Althoff ... 8-8

You'll notice that Dave Labowitz's 10 wins were less than John Weaver's 11. Thus John's lead on the pool as a whole increased by a game. Karl Vaillancourt also picked up a game on Dave and on Josh Money, vaulting himself free and clear into third place. Josh Money is only a game out of the money though so he can still finish as high as second if he puts his mind to it. Hell, he could finish first, it's just not bloody likely.

Beyond that, we're all fighting for table scraps, sadly. Joey Bansen is four games out of the money and would have to jump over Josh Money to get there. Not impossible, but a tall order with only a week to go. Robin Wood and I are (sorry to say, Robin) pretty well cooked. We're both five games out of the money with two people to jump over. Beyond that, well, it just ain't happening. Sorry folks.

Here's the Current Overall Standings through 16 weeks:

1. John Weaver ... 165
2. Dave Labowitz ... 162
3. Karl Vaillancourt ...  161
4. Josh Money ... 160
5. Joey Bansen ... 157
6. Robin Wood ...156
6. Matthew Kory ... 156
8. Zack Klein ... 154
9. Christine Roberts ... 153
10. Bill Denton ... 150
11. Matthew Mariam ... 149
12. Ryan Schultz ... 148
13. Gedeon Mariam ... 146
13. George Smith ... 146
15. Paddy Althoff ... 145
15. Sandy Kory ... 145
17. Adam Roy ... 143
18. Jon Stover ... 141

I'll post something before the start of week 17 on the pool as a whole and a reminder of the money situation.

Happy Holidays.

Week 16: Update

Yes, this is how dedicated (read: stupid) I am. I'm posting an update on Christmas day. Jesus will be pee-owed!

I'm writing this well before tonight's (Sunday's) Packers/Bears game because, well, we all know who will win that. And even if we don't, we all think we do (we all picked Green Bay), so for the purposes of the Pool(poop!)! it doesn't matter.

Week 16 has just two people still in the running for the Weekly Standard Prize. Ryan Schultz and (you're not going to believe this but...) ME! That's right! The idiot who runs this stupid waste of time might actually maybe sortof win something!

Holy crap on a crutch!

(Don't hold your breath.)

Ryan and I both have 12 wins and at least a game up on everyone else (again, assuming GB wins; if Chicago wins then we both have 11 wins and the same game up).

With the Monday Night match up of Atlanta (9-5) at New Orleans (11-3), you'd think this would come down to Monday Night Points (MNP). You'd be wrong. Everyone in the entire Pool(poop!)! picked New Orleans to beat Atlanta except one person: Ryan Schultz.

So MNPs be damned! This one's going down old style. If Atlanta beats New Orleans, Ryan is the Big Wiener for Week 16. If New Orleans wins, I'm your BW.

Back tomorrow or Tuesday with the results and the schedule for Week 17 which, by the way, is entirely devoid of Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Monday games. All the games are on Sunday, January 1st.


Happy Holidays, Pool(poop!) Peeps.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Week 16: Schedule

This is easily the strangest schedule of the year. Almost all the games are on Saturday because of Christmas. Only one game is on Sunday, with the requisite one on Thursday night and one on Monday night. As such, you can still send in your Thursday pick separately if you want, but there is no point in sending in Saturday picks separate from Sunday and Monday. As such, please just send in every post-Thursday game at once. Thanks.

Fear the schedule!

Thursday (can send in separately)

Houston at Indianapolis

Saturday & Everything Else (Please send in with Sunday & Monday picks)

Denver at Buffalo
Miami at New England
Cleveland at Baltimore
Jacksonville at Tennessee
Oakland at Kansas City
New York Giants at New York Jets
Minnesota at Washington
Tampa Bay at Carolina
Arizona at Cincinnati
St. Louis at Pittsburgh
San Diego at Detroit
Philadelphia at Dallas
San Francisco at Seattle
Chicago at Green Bay (Only Sunday Game)
Atlanta at New Orleans (plus total points)

Week 15: Results

I covered what a strange week this was in the Update on Sunday night. Suffice it to say STRANGE. That strangeness is reflected in our records. We haven't had as bad a week collectively since Week 10 when Bill Denton won with just 10 wins.

Anyway, it came down to both the Monday night game and then Monday Night Points. As you'll recall, if San Francisco won, which they did, then it would come down to John Weaver and Joey Bansen. John had the under and Joey the over (effectively) and because the final score was 20-3, this week's big wiener is John Weaver! Congratulations, John! You win ten hours of free babysitting by Bill Conlin!

OK, I've been informed that I've just been fired for that joke. 

Here are the results for Week 15:

1. John Weaver ... 11-5
1. Joey Bansen ... 11-5
3. Adam Roy ... 10-6
3. Bill Denton ... 10-6
3. Josh Money ... 10-6
3. Dave Labowitz ... 10-6
7. Karl Vaillancourt ... 9-7
7. Matthew Kory ... 9-7
7. Jon Stover ... 9-7
10. Sandy Kory ... 8-8
10. Zack Klein ... 8-8
10. George Smith ... 8-8
10. Paddy Althoff ... 8-8
10. Matthew Mariam ... 8-8
10. Christine Roberts ... 8-8
16. Robin Wood ... 7-9
17. Ryan Schultz ... 6-10
18. Gedeon Mariam ... 5-11

You may see some similarities in the Week 15 results and the Current Overall Standings. For instance, John Weaver is in 1st in both of them. John actually picked up a game on Dave Labowitz who picked up a game on Karl Vailancourt. Josh Money also picked up a game on Karl and has now tied him for third place. After that, well, good fucking luck. Robin Wood, Joey Bansen, and Zack Klein are all within shouting if not striking distance. Other than that, we're all hoping for one or two more WSPs before calling it a year. 

Here are the Current Overall Standings...

1. John Weaver ... 154
2. Dave Labowitz ... 152
3. Josh Money ... 150
3. Karl Vaillancourt ... 150
5. Robin Wood ... 145
5. Joey Bansen ... 145
7. Zack Klein ... 144
8. Christine Roberts ... 143
8. Matthew Kory ... 143
10. Bill Denton ... 139
10. Matthew Mariam ... 139
10. Ryan Schultz ... 139
13. George Smith ... 137
14. Paddy Althoff ... 136
15. Gedeon Mariam ... 135
16. Adam Roy ... 134
17. Sandy Kory ... 133
18. Jon Stover ... 130

The schedule for this week is weird because of Xmas. If you think you might forget to send in your picks, I suggest you just do it ASAP. You can always email me changes later if you want (though generally I discourage this because it 18 people making changes to their picks can be very confusing). Better bad picks than none.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Week 15: Update

What a weird freakin week.

In a week where the only undefeated team lost and the only totally defeated team won, well, let's say there was some odd shit going on. There were so many upsets that you'd think people's pick totals would be all over the map. But no. Oddly enough, everyone ended up in the same range. It seemed that no matter how many upsets you got right, it evened out over the 16 games because, while you might have nailed one or two, you picked three or four total and ate it on the others.

Nobody guessed that Green Bay would lose, which makes sense. I mean, Kansas City? They lost their best player in Week 1 or 2 (I can't remember), recently fired their head coach, and are on their (I think) eighth quarterback. So, sure, of course they'd beat the only undefeated team in the NFL. [smacks self in head]

On the other hand, Indianapolis, a team which as fallen apart like a Jenga stack in the hands of a four year old with a tremor, beat a Tennessee team which has been defined by, if nothing else, showing up for all their games. Not anymore. Of those two games, only one person picked one correctly.

So it was a weird week. Yet somehow, through the haze of upsets and strange outcomes, four people managed ten wins. Those four are Bill Denton, Adam Roy, John Weaver, and Joey Bansen. Everyone else in the entire Pool(poop!) had 9, 8 or 7 wins, with only one exception.

So it's going to come down to those four. And since they split the Monday night picks evenly -- Bill and Adam picked Pittsburgh to beat San Francisco on Monday Night, while John and Joey have San Fran -- it's going to come down to Monday Night Points (MNP)!

Here's how it'll break down. If Pittsburgh wins tonight and the total score...

... is from 0 up to 39, Adam Roy will win.
... is 40 or over, Bill Denton will win.

If San Francisco wins and the total score...

... is from 0 to 40, John Weaver will win.
... is 41 or over, Joey Bansen will win.

Tune in tomorrow night or Tuesday for the final results and the Current Overall Standings. We're getting down to the wire, peeps!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Week 15: Schedule

Irritatingly, this week features a Saturday game. If you want to, you may send your Saturday pick in separately, just like you do with the Thursday game. Of course, this will require a very bothersome three emails, so I leave it up to you. Send them separately or not. Just don't forget. I'll try to send out a reminder email but don't count on that happening.

Week 15 Schedule:

Thursday (8:20pm EST)
Jacksonville at Atlanta

Saturday (8:20pm EST)
Dallas at Tampa Bay

Sunday (1:00pm EST)
Cincinnati at St. Louis
Miami at Buffalo
Tennessee at Indianapolis
Washington at New York "Gortex" Giants
Seattle at Chicago
New Orleans at Minnesota
Carolina at Houston
Green Bay at Kansas City
Detroit at Oakland
New York Jets at Philadelphia
Cleveland at Arizona
New England at Denver
Baltimore at San Diego
Pittsburgh at San Francisco (plus total points)

Week 14: Results

My next door neighbor is a Dallas Cowboys fan. I'm a Redskisn fan. Our teams suck.

His house and mine are about ten feet apart and our kitchen windows face each other over my driveway. So in the morning, I can look out the kitchen window and see him looking out his. We usually wave and smile and go about our days. This weekend though, after my Redskins lost in one of the most respectable loses* of the season, his Cowboys were on Sunday night. I kept seeing him through the kitchen window wearing his Cowboys jersey, but he wasn't ever there for too long.

* Respectable loses? What the fuck is that shit? Just a few simple decades of losing and your outlook on your football team is destroyed.

I couldn't get his attention. So I got out a piece of paper and wrote "Your Cowboys Suck (But Not As Much As My Skins)" on it with the appropriate amount of underlining and exclamation points for emphasis and taped it to my window. I then went about my evening, forgetting the message. A bit later, after the Cowboys had lost in wonderfully excruciating fashion** I noticed a message taped to his window. It said, "Yup. We're both terrible. When is the draft?"

** Really, is there anything better than seeing Jerry Jones plastic face strain to show upset after his team blows a 10 point lead in the last five minutes to Eli Manning? Answer: no. No there is not.

So it's a sad state of affairs on my block. And yet none of that has shit to do with the Pool(poop!)! To the results!

You may recall through the haze of baby poop and screaming, George Smith had an epiphany last week. The Football Gods descended upon his house at 3am and told him who would win the games in Week 13. Dutifully George submitted his/their picks and, miracle of miracles, won the Weekly Standard Prize. But it's been on the news and in the papers, so we all know this. What we didn't know is George didn't submit a straight football gods only ballot last week. Nope, George substituted three of his picks for theirs. The result was a 13-3 record and an angry 3am lecture about this week's picks.

George didn't make the same mistake again. This week he submitted a straight football gods ballot with only one alteration. In George's defense though, if someone showed up at your house at 3am to tell you the Cardinals were going to beat the 49ers, would you believe them? 

Congratulations, George, on surely the most exciting news that you've heard in at least five minutes: you win this week's Weekly Standard Prize (WSP)!

Here are the results:

1. George Smith ... 14-2
2. Karl Vaillancourt ... 13-3
2. Joey Bansen ... 13-3
2. Matthew Kory ... 13-3
5. Dave Labowitz ... 12-4
5. Josh Money ... 12-4
5. Jon Stover ... 12-4
8. Ryan Schultz ... 11-5
8. Matthew Mariam ... 11-5
8. Gedeon Mariam ... 11-5
8. Christine Roberts ... 11-5
8. Zack Klein ... 11-5
13. Sandy Kory ... 10-6
13. Adam Roy ... 10-6
13. Robin Wood ... 10-6
16. John Weaver ... 9-7
17. Paddy Althoff ... 8-8
17. Bill Denton ... 8-8

Now a reminder. There are only three weeks left in Matty's Fifth Semi-Annual Football Pool(poop!)! That means, time to make a run at it, son. Remember, the top three finishers will win serious dough. Week 14 cut into John Weaver's lead big time, but he's still up there, desperately trying to hold off Dave Labowitz who is outside his house, beating down the door, naked, with a crowbar. Former leader Karl Vaillancourt has vaulted himself back into the top three and is now only two games behind Weaver for first place. Josh Money has been silently hanging around and is now only four games out of first.

After Mr. Money, it'll be hard to make a run at the top spot. That doesn't mean there aren't some outside shots at it.

Here are your Current Overall Standings (COS) through Week 14:

1. John Weaver ... 143
2. Dave Labowitz ... 142
3. Karl Vaillancourt ... 141
4. Josh Money ... 140
5. Robin Wood ... 138
6. Zack Klein ... 136
7. Christine Roberts ... 135
8. Matthew Kory ... 134
8. Joey Bansen ... 134
10. Matthew Mariam ... 131
10. Ryan Schultz ... 131
12. Gedeon Mariam ... 130
13. George Smith ... 129
13. Bill Denton ... 129
15. Paddy Althoff ... 128
16. Adam Roy ... 126
17. Sandy Kory ... 125
18. Jon Stover ... 121

Back in a moment with YOUR Week 15 Schedule.

Week 14: Update

There will be no showdown this week.

There will be no suspense, certainly no anticipation, and firmly, absolutely, and definitely no fun. Nor will there be any money for you, unless your name is George Smith. Yes, it's true, for the second week in a row, Mr. Smith has not only won the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) but he's won it regardless of the outcome of the Monday night contest. Impressive stuff, George, impressive stuff indeed.

Back Monday or Tuesday night with the final results for Week 14 and your Week 15 Schedule.

Wednesday, December 07, 2011

Week 14: Schedule

Time to take those dirty undies off and put on some clean ones... It's the Week 14 Schedule!

Cleveland at Pittsburgh

Sunday & Monday:
Tampa Bay at Jacksonville
New Orleans at Tennessee
Philadelphia at Miami
Indianapolis at Baltimore
Houston at Cincinnati
Kansas City at New York Jets
New England at Washington
Atlanta at Carolina
Minnesota at Detroit
Chicago at Denver
San Francisco at Arizona
Buffalo at San Diego
Oakland at Green Bay
New York "F The Jets!" Giants at Dallas
St. Louis at Seattle (plus total points)

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

Week 13: Results

OK, Pool(poop!) Peeps, my bad. I admit, I totally forgot I was supposed to write this up today. I ran the numbers last night and somehow in preparation for this write-up and somehow that was enough for my teeny little brain to cross this out on the ol' mental To Do list. I'm a simple man. And by simple I mean stupid.

Anyway, we had an interesting one this week. First I should point out that, like I mentioned in the update, George Smith became a dad this past week. OK, technically it was his third child, but still. As you can see below, George is this week's Big Wiener. But, George wasn't the only one to have a child this week. Adam Roy became a dad as well when his wife had their first child. (Congratulations, Adam!) Because George has had children before he saw it coming and sent his picks in last Tuesday. Adam, being a rookie at this, never saw the truck that hit him and therefore didn't send in his picks at all.

So, that's your Week 13, peeps. Here's how it looks all lined up and such:

1. George Smith ... 13-3
2. Zack Klein ... 12-4
2. Karl Vaillancourt ... 12-4
2. Matthew Kory ... 12-4
5. John Weaver ... 11-5
5. Bill Denton ... 11-5
7. Josh Money ... 10-6
7. Christine Roberts ... 10-6
7. Robin Wood ... 10-6
7. Dave Labowitz ... 10-6
7. Ryan Schultz ... 10-6
12. Jon Stover ... 9-7
12. Joey Bansen ... 9-7
12. Gedeon Mariam ... 9-7
15. Matthew Mariam ... 8-8
16. Sandy Kory ... 8-8
17. Paddy Althoff ... 5-11
18. Adam Roy ... 4-12

Turns out, Week 13 had just about no effect on the top of our leaderboard. John Weaver still leads the pack, now by 4 over Dave Labowitz. In fact, Robin Wood and Josh Money are still tied for 3rd, just as they were last week. The only difference is Karl Vaillancourt picked up two games and is now tied for 3rd as well. One more thing I'd like to point out is me. In Week 9 I was one game out of last place. Since then, I've moved up all the way to a tie for 8th. Impressive? Well, not really. But it's better than nothing I guess.

We've got four weeks left so if you're going on some sort of run, now is the time, my friends. Here's the Current Overall Standings (COS):

1. John Weaver ... 134
2. Dave Labowitz ... 130
3. Robin Wood ... 128
3. Josh Money ... 128
3. Karl Vaillancourt ... 128
6. Zack Klein ... 125
7. Christine Roberts ... 124
8. Matthew Kory ... 121
8. Bill Denton ... 121
8. Joey Bansen ... 121
11. Matthew Mariam ... 120
12. Gedeon Mariam ... 119
13. Ryan Schultz ... 117
14. Sandy Kory ... 115
14. George Smith ... 115
16. Paddy Althoff ... 114
17. Adam Roy ... 112
18. Jon Stover ... 109

Have a great week.

Sunday, December 04, 2011

Week 13: Update

There is still the Sunday night game left to go as I write this, but since everyone in the entire Pool(poop!) (somewhat surprisingly) picked New Orleans, the game won't affect the final standings. As such, with two games left to play, there are two people with 11 wins on the week. They are George Smith, who's wife, Katie, just had their third baby (CONGRATULATIONS, GEORGE!), and Karl Vaillancourt, who can get a baby for anyone who wants one because Karl knows people who knows people, knowwutameen? I kid. Karl won't sell you a baby (shhh!! yes he will!).

In any case, as I said, George and Karl both have 11 wins. There are two people with 10 wins, but since George and Karl picked different teams on Monday Night, one of them will end up with an uncatchable 12 wins.

So, Pool(poop!) Peeps, no Monday Night Points (MNP) this week. This one is easy. George picked San Diego and Karl picked Jacksonville. The one who is correct wins the Weekly Standard Prize. The one who is wrong wins the proverbial kick in the dick. Also a real kick in the dick. Best of luck to both!

Back Monday or Tuesday with the results and the schedule for Week 14.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Week 13: Schedule

This schedule is like a pie: delicious and fattening.

Send in all your picks at once or your Thursday pick before the Thursday game (8:20pm EST) and the rest of the picks before the start of Sunday's games (1pm EST).

Philadelphia at Seattle

Sunday & Monday: 
Oakland at Miami
Tennessee at Buffalo
Kansas City at Chicago
Denver at Minnesota
New York Jets at Washington
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
Atlanta at Houston
Carolina at Tampa Bay
Indianapolis at New England
Baltimore at Cleveland
Dallas at Arizona
Green Bay at New York "Gat-Toothed" Giants
St. Louis at San Francisco
Detroit at New Orleans
San Diego at Jacksonville (plus total points)

Monday, November 28, 2011

Week 12: Results

It's late and I'm tired so this is going to be a shorty. Week 12 closed with a bang as the Saints scored 712 points against something that used to be the Giants defense. It is no longer the Giants defense, it is now a reusable colostomy bag. Why? Because they got shat on again and again. Stay with me, people. 

The ridiculous number of points scored (actually it was 73 points) meant that everyone was under. Thus the one with the highest pick would win, and that was Josh Money. Congratulations, Josh! You win a reusable colostomy bag! Or the Weekly Standard Prize, which ever you prefer.

Here are the the final standings for Week 12.

1. Josh Money ... 14-2
1. Robin Wood ... 14-2
3. Christine Roberts ... 13-3
3. Matthew Kory ... 13-3
3. Gedeon Mariam ... 13-3
3. Dave Labowitz ... 13-3
7. Bill Denton ... 12-4
7. Paddy Althoff ... 12-4
7. Zack Klein ... 12-4
7. Joey Bansen ... 12-4
11. Jon Stover ... 11-5
11. Adam Roy ... 11-5
11. Sandy Kory ... 11-5
14. Ryan Schultz ... 10-6
14. Karl Vaillancourt ... 10-6
16. John Weaver ... 9-7
16. George Smith ... 9-7
18. Matthew Mariam ... 8-8

With five weeks to go, it's getting hot up in this piece. Better start making your moves, people. Time to make up some ground or go the heck home.  Remember, the top three overall finishers win dough. Right now, that would be Weaver, Labowitz, and then Wood and Money would split the third place share. But Karl Vaillancourt is just two wins back, Christine Roberts just four back, Zack Klein five back, Joey Bansen six and blah blah blah you get the point. This is anyone's Pool(poop!). But, you best grab it while you still can. Five more weeks remaining is all.

Week 12 lead to some tightening in the standings. For example, John Weaver's 7 game lead over the pack in general and Dave Labowitz in specific is now down to 3 games. Robin Wood and Josh Money (you'll find their names at the top of the Week 12 standings) have not surprisingly moved up the old ladder, now tying for third place.

Current Overall Standings (COS):

1. John Weaver ... 123
2. Dave Labowitz ... 120
3. Robin Wood ... 118
3. Josh Money ... 118
5. Karl Vaillancourt ... 116
6. Christine Roberts ... 114
7. Zack Klein ... 113
8. Joey Bansen ... 112
8. Matthew Mariam ... 112
10. Bill Denton ... 110
10. Gedeon Mariam ... 110
12. Matthew Kory ... 109
13. Sandy Kory ... 107
14. Ryan Schultz ... 104
15. George Smith ... 102
16. Paddy Althoff ... 101
17. Jon Stover ... 100
18. Adam Roy ... 99

One final note, I'd like to congratulate Adam Roy who became a dad this past week. Congrats, man, and as one dad to another, that little jar of strained carrots tastes pretty much like it looks.  

Week 12: Update

Just got back from Seattle where I saw my Redskins blow their draft position to holy hell with my brother. I've never met a nicer group of fans though. I actually high-fived a Seahawks fan after a Redskins touchdown. I wasn't trying to be a dick, he held his hand up, asking me to.

In the alcohol-and-victory induced haze of the afternoon (not to mention wet undergarmets which don't increase productivity at all) I didn't get to follow the Pool(poop!) during the day. As such, it was quite a surprise to come back home, throw everything up on ye olde spreadsheet at once, and see how the numbers fell.

First I should say we all did a fucking crazy amazing job. There isn't a group of NFL analysts working who did better this week. And yet we all can't have candy, can we?

With one game to go, five people have twelve wins on the week. But that doesn't really matter because two people have 13 wins. The two buzz-kills in question are Josh Money and Robin Wood who have 13 out of 15 nailed.

But, both Josh and Robin picked New Orleans tomorrow, which opens the hole to any of the 12 win people to tie them by picking (correctly) the New York "Public Toilet" Giants to win. The only one of the five to take up the challenge was Joey Bansen.

Here's how it breaks down for the Monday night game which will decide this week's Big Wiener (BW).

If the Giants win and the total score is...
... 41 or less, Joey Bansen wins.
... between 42 and 51, Robin Wood wins.
... 52 or higher, Josh Money wins.

If the Saints win and the total score is...
... 51 or less, Robin Wood wins.
... 52 or higher, Josh Money wins.

Back tomorrow or Tuesday with the results!

Monday, November 21, 2011

Week 12: Schedule

Happy Turkey Day! I'll need all your Thursday picks by the start of the first game Thursday. The rest of the picks are needed by 1pm EST on Sunday.

Thursday Games (12:30pm EST):

Green Bay at Detroit
Miami at Dallas
San Francisco at Baltimore

Sunday Games (1pm EST):

Minnesota at Atlanta
Carolina at Indianapolis
Cleveland at Cincinnati
Buffalo at New York Jets
Tampa Bay at Tennessee
Arizona at St. Louis
Houston at Jacksonville
Washington at Seattle
Chicago at Oakland
New England at Philadelphia
Denver at San Diego
Pittsburgh at Kansas City
New York "Hidey Ho!" Giants at New Orleans (plus total points)

Week 11: Results

Like a drunk camper fondling a sleeping bear, we're getting up against it. There are six weeks left in this, your gloriously moist NFL season.

This week was probably the most successful week we've had in the Pool(poop!)! so far. Fifteen of you won ten or more games and eight won eleven or more. Sheer craziness. My brother, Sandy, almost became the first to have an undefeated week this year. Humorously enough, he missed the Thursday night game and then won the next 13 in a row. That, as I noted in the update, makes him this week's Big Wiener! As the anointed Big Wiener, he wins a no expenses paid trip to Seattle with yours truly to see the Redskins play the Seahawks, where he'll certainly be physically threatened and urinated upon. If he's lucky. And that's just by me.

Actually, Sandy really does win that prize, but by league rules he's also required to win the Weekly Standard Prize as well. Darn rules.

Here are your Week 11 final standings:

1. Sandy Kory ... 13-1
2. Robin Wood ... 12-2
2. Matthew Mariam ... 12-2
4. Bill Denton ... 11-3
4. Josh Money ... 11-3
4. Karl Vaillancourt ... 11-3
4. John Weaver .. 11-3
4. Paddy Althoff ... 11-3
9. Joey Bansen ... 10-4
9. Jon Stover ... 10-4
9. Adam Roy ... 10-4
9. Christine Roberts ... 10-4
9. Matthew Kory ... 10-4
9. Gedeon Mariam ... 10-4
9. George Smith ... 10-4
16. Dave Labowitz ... 9-5
17. Zack Klein ... 8-6
17. Ryan Schultz ... 8-6

The Current Overall Standings (COS) are getting worse and worse for anyone whose name doesn't rhyme with Ron Beaver. Mr. Beaver, er, Weaver has increased his lead over Dave "Dollars" Labowitz (true story: get Bill Denton drunk on Bud some night and he'll tell you. twice.) from five to seven games. A seven game lead over the pack with six weeks go? That's INSANE (read like a 2am used car ad). Dave's hold on second place is slipping as well, from 3 games to a single game over Karl Vaillancourt. In fact, the difference between seventh place and second is the same as the one between second and first. As I said, good for Ron Beaver, not so good for the rest of us dirty whores.

Here are YOUR COS:

1. John Weaver ...114
2. Dave Labowitz ... 107
3. Karl Vaillancourt ... 106
4. Robin Wood ... 104
4. Josh Money ... 104
4. Matthew Mariam ... 104
7. Christine Roberts ... 101
7. Zack Klein ... 101
9. Joey Bansen ... 100
10. Bill Denton ... 98
11. Gedeon Mariam ... 97
12. Sandy Kory ... 96
12. Matthew Kory ... 96
14. Ryan Schultz ... 95
15. George Smith ... 93
16. Paddy Althoff ... 92
17. Adam Roy ... 90
18. Jon Stover ... 89

Don't forget: three games this Thursday. I'll need all those picks by the start of the day. You ain't got no time, son. Send that shit too-dey.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Week 11: Update

After the ridiculous Denver game which three of you bastards inexplicably got right, well, I had fell back on the old 'you can't predict football' maxim. Turns out, actually, you can.

Collectively we all kicked some buttooty this week. But as we all know, there can be only one Zool. Of the 13 game that have been played in Week 11, my brother Sandy has won 12. The next best are Matthew Mariam and Robin Wood with 11 wins each. 11 out of 13 is pretty damn impressive, but this week it nets you jack and shit.

Normally, there would be a shot at catching Sandy, but since the Monday night match up is another turdfest of a game, everyone picked New England. And with good reason. Thus, nobody can catch Sandy and, as such, he is this week's big wiener. Yay.

Back tomorrow or Tuesday with the Current Overall Standings and the wrap up for Week 11.

Remember, folks, there are two three games on Turkey Day this year, so DON'T FORGET TO SEND IN YOUR PICKS!!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Week 11: Schedule

For Week 11 Schedule, add bacon, bacon bits, bac-o's, and a full side of bacon. Mix. Repeat until sick.

Thursday Night: 
New York Jets at Denver

The rest of it:
Carolina at Detroit
Cincinnati at Baltimore
Oakland at Minnesota
Buffalo at Miami
Tampa Bay at Green Bay
Dallas at Washington
Jacksonville at Cleveland
Seattle at St. Louis
Arizona at San Francisco
Tennessee at Atlanta
San Diego at Chicago
Philadelphia at New York "Hermaphroditic" Giants
Kansas City at New England (plus total points)

I'll need your Thursday pick by 8:20pm EST this Thursday. If you forget to send in your Thursday picks, you're not disqualified! You'll take the loss on Thursday, but you're much better off sending me the rest of your picks.

The rest of the week starts at 1pm EST this Sunday. Have a good week, everyone.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Week 10: Results

Another week, another blow opportunity by yours truly. But we'll get to that.

This Thursday night thing is really throwing you all off, huh? I know it is because it's throwing me the hell off too. First of all, I have two winning weeks in a row. You know that kinda shit doesn't just happen. But mostly, I don't have the whole week to write this dumb post. I can't write it, edit it, sit on it, re-write it, re-edit it, trash it, start over, do illegal drugs, realize we're all always totally starting over all the time and the sun is what holds our souls together, different but all equal like petals in a sunflower, trash it, start over, rinse, repeat, paper not plastic, take fries with that, pass out in a pool of my own bodily fluids.

So this Thursday shit is ruining my jive. And yet we must press on. Because to not press on would be dumb.

If you read the update, you realized that the WSP for Week 10 came down to Bill Denton, the comedy duo of Gedeon Mariam and Zack Klein, or yours truly, who adroitly boxed him self in MNP-wise for the second week in a row.

The final points totaled 52, meaning the closest to the total was one William W. H. C. Denton, III. For besting us all in Week 10, Mr. Denton wins another middle initial! Yes, he can now add the prestigious letter H to his... oh shit. Looks like he already has an H. As we all know, you can't have two Hs. That'd just be dumb. Looks like Mr. Denton will be stuck with the regular old Weekly Standard Prize. Booo-urns.

Here it is, the week that was Week 10:

1. Bill Denton ... 10-6
1. Matthew Kory ... 10-6
1. Zack Klein ... 10-6
1. Gedeon Mariam ... 10-6
5. Dave Labowitz ... 9-7
5. Christine Roberts ... 9-7
5. John Weaver ... 9-7
5. Robin Wood ... 9-7
9. Paddy Althoff ... 8-8
9. Sandy Kory ... 8-8
9. Ryan Schultz ... 8-8
9. Josh Money ... 8-8
13. Karl Vaillancourt ... 7-9
14. Matthew Mariam ... 5-11
15. Adam Roy ... 3-13
16. George Smith ... 2-14
17. Jon Stover ... 2-14
18. Joey Bansen ... 2-14

That means your Current Overall Standings (COS) look thusly:

1. John Weaver ... 103
2. Dave Labowitz ... 98
3. Karl Vaillancourt ... 95
4. Josh Money ... 93
4. Zack Klein ... 93
6. Robin Wood ... 92
6. Matthew Mariam ... 92
8. Christine Roberts ... 91
9. Joey Bansen ... 90
10. Bill Denton ... 87
10. Gedeon Mariam ... 87
12. Matthew Kory ... 86
13. Ryan Schultz ... 85
14. George Smith ... 83
14. Sandy Kory ... 83
16. Paddy Althoff ... 82
17. Adam Roy ... 80
18. Jon Stover ... 79

Back in a moment with your Week 10 schedule.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Week 10: Update II

As Pool(poop!) Peep Bill Denton put it in his picks this week, Thursday Night Football sucks. Yes, Bill. Yes it does.

I surmise that the Thursday game was what led a record number of you (3) to forget to send in your picks this week. Unfortunately for you too, because the rule states when you forget to send in your picks you get the number of wins accumulated by the worst record that week in the Pool(poop!) minus one. So if the worst record in whatever week was only 7 wins then those of you who forgot your picks get credit for 6. Except this week, thanks to my brother, it's worse. But we'll get to that tomorrow or Tuesday or when ever I put up the weekly results (hopefully tomorrow night).

As for this week, we've got a interesting situation going on. Four people are tied for the lead with 9 wins. Everyone picked Green Bay to beat Minnesota tomorrow night, so that won't cull the herd. Meaning, it's gonna come down to Monday Night Points! Again! Seriously! You twits!

Here's how it breaks down. If the final score totals ...

... between 0 and 46, Zack Klein and Gedeon Mariam will split the WSP (both picked 43 MNP).
... either 47 or 48, Matt Kory wins. (Note: this will not happen.)
... 49 or above, Bill Denton will blow the whole lot on Buds. 

So, that's where we stand. Zack and Gedeon are hopelessly tied, I'm straight F'd, and Bill overshot everyone. Happy day.

Tuesday, November 08, 2011

Week 10: Schedule

Congratulations! It's a Week 10 Schedule!

Thursday Night Football:
Oakland at San Diego

Rest of Weekly Schedule:
Arizona at Philadelphia
Jacksonville at Indianapolis
Denver at Kansas City
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
Buffalo at Dallas
New Orleans at Atlanta
St. Louis at Cleveland
Washington at Miami
Tennessee at Carolina
Houston at Tampa Bay
Baltimore at Seattle
Detroit at Chicago
New York "Horatio Sanz" Giants at San Francisco
New England at New York Jets
Minnesota at Green Bay (plus total points)

Week 9: Results

Every once in a while you feel like you've got an especially good handle on the weekly match ups. The stars align and each match up looks like an easy game. You submit your picks and think, man, I got this thing this week.

And then they play the games.

If it's anything like this week, well, you ain't got it this week. More weirdness out of the NFL this week. Anyone watching the Eagles bandwagon has whiplash from the people jumping off it, then back on it, then back off it again. A nice loss to a slightly better than average Bears team is responsible for the latest neck pain. Anyone who thought, well maybe the Redskins aren't really this bad: WRONG. They most certainly izzity-are. When it comes to the New York "Pastrami" Giants, the Patriots seem to be jinxed. Right when you thought it was safe to put your money on Pittsburgh, the Ravens remind us that it is Pittsburgh. It's all just craziness, I tell you. Craziness.

That craziness helped turn our little Pool(poop!) into a giant mess this week. Nine wins put you in the money race, whereas nine wins wouldn't have won you shit any other week this year. So, getting to the point, you may recall from the update we had a four person race. The Bears won which gave me a chance at the WSP, slim though it may have been. Too slim as it turned out. The vaunted Bears and Eagles defenses did a nice job of escorting their opposing offenses down the field, which, in turn fucked me right in the goat ass. It also fucked Christine Roberts (though her beloved Jets won so she probably didn't care) and Ryan Schultz. The lone non-fucked person left standing in a non-fucked type of way was...

John Weaver!  Yes, again. John Weaver basically took the over in terms of scoring and was rewarded for it by being this week's Big Wiener! Congratulations, John. You win an official Herman Cain presidential handjob! Or taint licking, your choice. Of course, you'll have to wait until the "candidate" pulls out of the race after they find the photos of him molesting a goat. And a walrus. And a different goat. And that different goat's grandmother. You know what? Never mind. I'll just ship you a WSP and be done with it.

Here's how Week 9 turned out:

1. John Weaver ... 9-5
1. Matthew Kory ... 9-5
1. Christine Roberts ... 9-5
1. Ryan Schultz ... 9-5
5. Adam Roy ... 8-6
5. George Smith ... 8-6
5. Zack Klein ... 8-6
5. Joey Bansen ... 8-6
5. Matthew Mariam ... 8-6
5. Dave Labowitz ... 8-6
5. Robin Wood ... 8-6
5. Josh Money ... 8-6
13. Bill Denton ... 7-7
13. Karl Vaillancourt ... 7-7
13. Paddy Althoff ... 7-7
16. Jon Stover ... 6-8
17. Sandy Kory ... 5-9
17. Gedeon Mariam ... 5-9

After nine weeks of meaty football goodness, we've basically had two overlords. First was, you'll recall, Karl Vaillancourt, who ruled with a benevolent hand for about six or seven weeks (I'm too lazy to look it up now) (OK, I looked it up: 6 weeks). Then he was violently overthrown by John Weaver who has steadily increased his lead on the Pool(poop!)! each week. This week he's moved to five games up on the Pool(poop!)!. Thems a commanding lead.

In other news, Dave Labowitz clearly loves second place. I, on the other hand, have extricated myself from last place. So I guess that's something. Here are the Current Overall Standings (COS) as they currently overall stand.

1. John Weaver ... 94
2. Dave Labowitz ... 89
3. Joey Bansen ... 88
3. Karl Vaillancourt ... 88
5. Matthew Mariam ... 87
6. Josh Money ... 85
7. Zack Klein ... 83
7. Robin Wood ... 83
7. Ryan Schultz ... 83
10. Christine Roberts ... 82
11. George Smith ... 81
12. Paddy Althoff ... 80
13. Adam Roy ... 78
14. Jon Stover ... 77
14. Gedeon Mariam ... 77
14. Bill Denton ... 77
17. Matthew Kory ... 76
18. Sandy Kory ... 75

Week 10 gets underway this Thursday night. You can send in your Thursday pick independently from the rest of your picks, which must be received by me at the regular 1pm EST time on Sunday.

The Schedule will be up soon. Enjoy your week, everyone.

Monday, November 07, 2011

Week 9: Update

A quick note before the update: Week 10 starts the always irritating Thursday Night Football. That garbage will stay with us for most of the rest of the regular season. As such I will allow you to send in your Thursday Night picks separately from the rest of their picks. That way you don't have to make all your picks three days before the games actually start. You may also send in all your picks at the same time if you wish, though that would of course have to be before the start of the Thursday night game.

I'll be reminding you of this again in the Schedule post but I thought I'd bring it up here while I have your attention. Now, back to your regularly scheduled weekly update.

 * * *

With one game left to go, there are three Pool(poop!) Participants (P(p!)P) with nine wins. Nine is the most so far this week though nine people are on their butts with eight wins. But those with nine are safe from those with eight as everyone in the entire Pool(poop!) picked the Eagles to beat Chicago.

Except me.

That's right, I am the lone eight-winner who has a shot at catching the nine win peeps. I'm also the only moron who has bet actual money on Mike Martz, Jay Cutler, and the Chicago Bears.

Here's how it breaks down. If the Eagles win, I'm dead, and the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) will come down to Christine Roberts, Ryan Schultz, and John Weaver. But, if the Bears win, it'll become a four person race.

Two scenarios: If the Eagles win then the three nine-would-be-ten-winners would battle it out Monday Night Points (MNP) style for the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP). The point breakdown would look like this. If the point total is between...

... 0 and 39, Christine Roberts would be your winner.
... 40 and 47, Ryan Schultz would be your winner.
... 48 and above, John Weaver would be your winner. A-frigg'n-gain.

BUT! If the Bears win, it becomes a four person race. Of course then it would also come down to Monday Night Points. As such:

... 0 and 36, Christine Roberts would be your winner.
... 37 and 39, Matthew Kory would be your winer.
... 40 and 47, Ryan Schultz would be your winner.
... 48 and above, John Weaver would be your winner. A-frigg'n-gain.

As you can see, I have as much chance of winning this as Herman Cain does of winning the presidency. Christine and John are the obvious favorites, with Ryan a long shot though nowhere close to as long as yours truly.

Best of luck to none of you pricks. Me included.

Back Tuesday or Wednesday with the results and Week 10 schedule.

Wednesday, November 02, 2011

Week 9: Schedule

Blow out all your candles or you won't get a big helping of schedule! Week 9:

Miami at Kansas City
Seattle at Dallas
Tampa Bay at New Orleans
San Francisco at Washington
Cleveland at Houston
Atlanta at Indianapolis
New York Jets at Buffalo
Cincinnati at Tennessee
Denver at Oakland
New York "Fruitcake" Giants at New England
Green Bay at San Diego
St. Louis at Arizona
Baltimore at Pittsburgh
Chicago at Philadelphia (plus total points)

Week 8: Results

Let this week serve as a lesson to you, peeps. When it rains it pours, then it sleets, which is often followed by snow, locusts, the black plague, pestilence, and another golf-themed movie staring Kevin Costner, which is kinda the same thing. This was not the best weekend of football if you like the Washington Redskins, run my three fantasy teams, and are me in this football pool(poop!).  I'd like to say it can't get worse, but considering my record on those three fronts in the past, I'd be stupid to tempt fate like that.

F you, fate! F you right in the goatass!

As for the Pool(poop!), we had a week with a number of obvious favorites in this week's games. Fortunately for most of us, those favorites didn't disappoint. Everyone in the Pool(poop!) picked the Giants, Tennessee, San Francisco and Houston. Everyone tried to pick Baltimore as well, but only 16 of us pulled it off successfully. So listen here, when you're cutting and pasting the schedule, be sure that you delete the team's name that you don't want. Let that be a lesson to you, idiot who runs the Pool (poop!).

As for Week 8, it came down to the unstoppable John "not remotely stoppable" Weaver and the irrepressible Matthew "please stop pressing me" Mariam. No silly Monday Night Points (MNP) or nothing like that. This was an old fashioned man on man contest that pitted two heavyweights together. That said, Weaver had no chance because his chance relied solely on the Kansas City Chiefs beating a very talented Chargers team. If the Chargers won the game, like 88% of Pool(poop!) participants (P(p!)P) expected, Matthew Mariam would be crowned Big Wiener of Week 8. Sadly Matthew and the rest of the 88% forgot a fundamental truism: Never put your money on Norv Turner.

And so it came to pass that the Chargers lost, thus anointing John Weaver the Big Wiener for Week 8! Congratulations, John! You win an autographed picture of Norv Turner being fired. (Norv will sign anything. And we mean anything. Like penises anything.) We'll get it to you after this season, or maybe slightly before.

No, of course you don't win that, though what a kick that'd be, huh? No, you win the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP)! Try not to spend it all on hair cream. Unless, you know, you're running low or something.

Here are your final standings for Week 8:

1. John Weaver ... 11-2
2. Dave Labowitz ... 10-3
2. Matthew Mariam ... 10-3
4. Ryan Schultz ... 9-4
4. Bill Denton ... 9-4
4. Christine Roberts ... 9-4
4. Joey Bansen ... 9-4
4. Josh Money ... 9-4
9. Robin Wood ... 8-5
9. Jon Stover ... 8-5
9. Zack Klein ... 8-5
9. Karl Vaillancourt ... 8-5
9. Adam Roy ... 8-5
9. Gedeon Mariam ... 8-5
15. Sandy Kory ... 7-6
15. George Smith ... 7-6
15. Matthew Kory ... 7-6
18. Paddy Althoff ... 6-7

As for the Current Overall Standings, well I'm late with this post already so I'll keep the commentary to a minimum. Weaver's Weav-tastic Week (WWW) has vaulted him even further ahead of the pack. I on the other hand am the caboose on this fudge train.

That's gross. COS:

1. John Weaver ... 85
2. Dave Labowitz ... 81
2. Karl Vaillancourt ... 81
4. Joey Bansen ... 80
5. Matthew Mariam ... 79
6. Josh Money ... 77
7. Robin Wood ... 75
7. Zack Klein ... 75
7. Ryan Schultz ... 75
10. George Smith ... 73
10. Christine Roberts ... 73
12. Paddy Althoff ... 72
12. Gedeon Mariam ... 72
14. Jon Stover ... 71
15. Adam Roy ... 70
15. Sandy Kory ... 70
15. Bill Denton ... 70
18. Matthew Kory ... 67

The schedule for Week 9 should be up shortly. Enjoy your week everyone. 

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Week 8: Update

Another humiliating week of moist football action is mostly behind us and, at the risk of not belaboring the point enough, there are only two of you left standing. One of them is me! No, just kidding. That would be unpossible.

Right now we have two people in the Pool(poop!) with ten wins on the week. Matthew Mariam and John Weaver. There will be no Sunday Night Points (SNP) this week, peeps. No, an actual NFL game will determine the result and thus the winner of this week's Weekly Standard Prize (WSP).

Matthew Mariam picked San Diego and John Weaver picked Kansas City. So, if Kansas City wins, the John Weaver bandwagon rolls it's wooden wagon wheels up, over and potentially even through Matthew Mariam's ass. But(t)! If San Diego wins, well. Different story. If San Diego wins, Matthew Mariam's Camaro of Awesome-itude is gonna do figure 8s over John Weaver's finely coiffed locks. The damage will be exquisite. 

That's where it stands now. San Diego wins, Mariam wins. KC wins, then Weaver wins. In both scenarios, everyone else loses. Welcome, friends. Welcome.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Week 7: Results

Find your Week 8 Schedule here.

 * * *

I'm the worst Pool(poop!) runner-person ever.

Not only can't I pick football games if my testicular health depended on it, but I can't even get the posts up on time. I'm worthless, helpless, hapless, hopeless, and smelly. Especially smelly.

And so it goes, folks. Another moist week of football pick'n action has past. I hope you fucking enjoyed it. I sure as hell didn't. In addition to losing all three fantasy football matches, the Redskins got smoked and injured, and I finished near the bottom of the Pool(poop!) yet again. Then my pick-up truck broke down, my dog bit me and was then run over by a car. And there wasn't even a country-fried hick with a gee-tar anywhere nearby to write a stupid song about it. God dammit I suck.

OK, I'm done now. You'll recall the Pool(poop!) had come down to John Weaver (he all smart 'n stuff) and Christine (J-E-T-S LOSE LOSE LOSE!!) Roberts. I think she likes the Jets. I'm so, so sorry. If the total points were blah blah blah then John would win except he lost. The point total for the Monday Night game was 19 so both John and Christine were over. Christine was the closest by several miles which makes her the Big Wiener!

Congratulations, Christine! You win a big bowl of green paint and a replica Lombardi trophy. The green paint is for the next time you get to go to a Jets game (dunk yourself in it) and the Lombardi trophy is as close as you'll ever come to the real thing.

For a Redskins fan, I'm pretty mean. And dumb. Also did I mention I suck at picking football games?
So, in all seriousness, well done Christine, and congratulations. You'll shortly be receiving the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) which should be enough to buy yourself a nice Joe Namath bobble-flask.

Here are the final standings for Week 7:

1. Christine Roberts ... 10-3
1. John Weaver ... 10-3
3. Joey Bansen ... 9-4
3. Josh Money ... 9-4
5. Paddy Althoff ... 8-5
5. George Smith ... 5-5
7. Robin Wood ... 7-6
7. Matthew Mariam ... 7-6
9. Bill Denton ... 6-7
9. Jon Stover ... 6-7
9. Dave Labowitz ... 6-7
9. Adam Roy ... 6-7
9. Gedeon Mariam ... 6-7
9. Matthew Kory ... 6-7
15. Karl Vaillancourt ... 5-8
15. Zack Klein ... 5-8
17. Ryan Schultz ... 4-9
17. Sandy Kory ... 4-9

For the first time since Week 1 we have a new Fearless Leader (FL). John Weaver has surpassed Karl Vaillancourt, who turned in his first stinker of the year. Even I picked up a game on Karl. Jeez, Karl, what happened, man? Joey Bansen jumped from 6th to 3rd, while Dave Labowitz is still 3 games behind whomever the leader. ...and YOUR Current Overall Standings are...

1. John Weaver ... 74
2. Karl Vaillancourt ... 73
3. Joey Bansen ... 71
3. Dave Labowitz ... 71
5. Matthew Mariam ...69
6. Josh Money ... 68
6. Ryan Schultz ... 68
8. Zack Klein ... 67
8. Robin Woods ... 67
10. George Smith ... 66
11. Paddy Althoff ... 65
12. Christine Roberts ... 64
12. Gedeon Mariam ... 64
14. Jon Stover ... 63
14. Adam Roy ... 63
14. Sandy Kory ...63
17. Bill Denton ... 61
18. Matthew Kory ... 60

Hey, at least you know I ain't cheating, right?

Week 8: Schedule

Don't forget to wipe before sending in your picks. Week 8:

New Orleans at St. Louis
Minnesota at Carolina
Indianapolis at Tennessee
Arizona at Baltimore
Jacksonville at Houston
Miami at New York "Grotesque Over-Development" Giants
Detroit at Denver
Washington at Buffalo
Cincinnati at Seattle
Cleveland at San Francisco
New England at Pittsburgh
Dallas at Philadelphia
San Diego at Kansas City (plus total points)

Monday, October 24, 2011

Week 7: Update

First off, I should say if you totally shat the bed this week, don't feel badly. Lots of people did. Just about half the field is currently at or below .500 on the week. This was a pretty brutal week. Who picked Oakland and Tennessee to get blown the hell out? How about Detroit blowing their game? Or the Redskins to get their assess kicked? Well, maybe we should've seen that last one coming.

Of course not everyone ingested a heaping spoonful of feces. In fact, two people (yup, only two) have 10 wins on the week so far. That would be John Weaver (duh) and Christine Roberts. Both are a game up on their nearest competitors, Josh Money and Joey Bansen. Since everyone in the entire pool(poop!) and their dead great grandfather picked Baltimore to win on Monday night, Josh and Joey aren't catching Christine and John.

So, again, it's gonna come down to Monday Night Points (MNP)! And rightfully so.

Christine picked 35 and John guessed 40. Recall we play Price Is Right rules here at MFSAFP(p!)! so the one whose guess is the closest without going over wins.

So, if the total score of the Monday Night game is 39 or less, Christine will win. If it's 40 or greater, John wins. Best of luck to neither of you rat bastards.

God I suck at this.

Back later tonight or Tuesday with the Week 7 Results and your Week 8 schedule.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Week 7: Schedule

Color inside the lines, children. Here's your Week 7 Schedule:

San Diego at New York Jets
Seattle at Cleveland
Atlanta at Detroit
Chicago at Tampa Bay
Denver at Miami
Washington at Carolina
Houston at Tennessee
Pittsburgh at Arizona
Kansas City at Oakland
Green Bay at Minnesota
St. Louis at Dallas
Indianapolis at New Orleans
Baltimore at Jacksonville (plus total points)

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Week 6: Results

The only chance I have of winning this pool(poop!) is if you all contract African Butt Flu. Fortunately for you and unfortunately for me no such disease exists. Also I've been dealing with this super itchy... wait.  Never mind.

As for Week 6, well, what can we say about it that hasn't already been said of Mike Tyson. It was short, angry, and kicked my ass. About the best thing I can say about Week 6 is I don't have a face tattoo because of it. Also I've heard they've made lots of progress removing tattoos of tinkerbell on people's lower backs. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

Week 6 proves that a good half the pool(poop!) has this thing figured out. Ten people went at least 9-4 and nobody did worse than 7-6 (you're welcome). You'll recall after Jon Stover moronically snuffed out his one game lead by betting on Minnesota to win on Sunday night, there were three of you who had a shot at the fame, the glory, the certain-to-be-inscribed-on-your-tombstone wonder that is winning the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP). That would be Jon Stover, Josh Money, and Joey Bansen. Apparently if your first name didn't begin with "J" then F off.

Since everyone picked the Jets to win (which they did), it was gonna come down to Monday Night Points (MNP). If the total points totaled under 40 then Josh Money would be this week's big wiener. The total points were 30, which when you break out your abacus (and then your dictionary to find out how to spell "abacus"), you'll realize after about 40 minutes of bead moving fun that 30 is indeed less than 40. This immutable mathematical fact makes Josh Money this week's big wiener!

Congratulations, Josh! You win two tickets to see Lance Bass's new boy band, Heart2Heart, open for some crappy UB40 cover band! (Seriously, check this shit out and tell me if these guys are serious or if this is some fucking joke.) No, sadly, Heart2Heart isn't touring now, so we'll just send you the WSP instead. Your loss assuming you like really crappy music.

Here is how Week 6 played itself out.

1. Josh Money ... 11-2
1. Jon Stover ... 11-2
1. Joey Bansen ... 11-2
4. Gedeon Mariam ... 10-3
4. Sandy Kory ... 10-3
4. Matthew Mariam ... 10-3
7. Dave Labowitz .. 9-4
7. George Smith ... 9-4
7. Karl Vaillancourt .. 9-4
7. John Weaver ... 9-4
7. Zack Klein ... 9-4
12. Paddy Althoff ... 8-5
12. Adam Roy ... 8-5
12. Robin Wood ... 8-5
12. Bill Denton ... 8-5
12. Christine Roberts ... 8-5
17. Ryan Schultz ... 7-6
17. Matthew Kory ... 7-6

As for the Current Overall Standings (COS), well nothing super new to report. Karl Vaillancourt is still kicking everyone's collective ass. Dave Labowitz is still kicking everyone's collective ass except Karl Vaillancourt's, and then we have John Weaver, Zack Klein and everyone else. In other news, I've now cemented my shoes. Yes, I managed to finish in last in both the weekly standings and the COS. Oh God this is so humiliating.


1. Karl Vaillancourt ... 68
2. Dave Labowitz ... 65
3. John Weaver ... 64
4. Zack Klein ... 62
4. Matthew Mariam ... 62
6. Joey Bansen ... 62
7. Robin Wood ... 60
7. Ryan Schultz ... 60
9. Josh Money ... 59
9. Sandy Kory ... 59
11. Gedeon Mariam ... 58
11. George Smith ... 58
13. Paddy Althoff ... 57
13. Jon Stover ... 57
15. Adam Roy ... 55
15. Bill Denton ... 55
17. Christine Roberts ... 54
17. Matthew Kory ... 54

Congrats again to Josh. The schedule for Week 7 will be up shortly. Enjoy your week everyone.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Week 6: Update

Twelve games down, one to go. Only three people are still alive for the Week 6 WSP. Jon Stover, who had the lead up until stupidly picking Minnesota (full disclosure: so did I), Josh Money, and Joey Bansen. All three have ten wins. Since they and everyone who can catch them picked the Jets to win in Miami tomorrow, the result of that game won't change the standings. Thus, the WSP will be awarded to the winner in the great derby that we call...

Monday Night Points!

Here's how it breaks down. First, recall we here at MFSAFP(p!)! go by The Price Is Right rules. Thus, the winner in Monday Night Points (MNP) is the one who gets closest to the actual total without going over. Here's how it breaks down.

If the total score of the Jets/Dolphins game is

... between 0-40, Josh Money wins.
... 41 exactly, Jon Stover wins.
... 42 or over, Joey Bansen wins.

Ha ha! Jon Stover is screwed!!

Back tomorrow with the Week 6 standings, an update on the Current Overall Standings, and probably several poop jokes.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Week 6: Schedule

Here's your Week 6 schedule. Toughen up. It'll only hurt for a minute.

Carolina at Atlanta
San Francisco at Detroit
Indianapolis at Cincinnati
Jacksonville at Pittsburgh
Philadelphia at Washington
St. Louis at Green Bay
Buffalo at New York "Horseface" Giants
Cleveland at Oakland
Houston at Baltimore
New Orleans at Tampa Bay
Dallas at New England
Minnesota at Chicago
Miami at New York Jets (plus total points)

Week 5: Results

Another week, another week without drama. Oh sweet, sweet drama, how I miss you. I miss you like I miss pouring chocolate on my nipples... [wakes up in tub of ice with one kidney] Oh shit.

That does it for a crazy Week Five. We had more stratification this week than we've had any week. In weeks one, two, and four, the difference was three games. Week Three featured a five game separation though if you take Paddy Althoff out the separation is only two games. The best record and worst this week were separated by six games. What I'm saying: don't feel so bad if you didn't do well this week. This was a tough week.

That said, not everyone shat the bed. We had three people with ten plus wins, but only one with more. That special one? Why, Joey Bansen, of course. Joey only got two games wrong this week, which, if the goal were to get games wrong, wouldn't be very good. Joey of course wins the coveted Moose Anus, which, much like the Stanley Cup, is transferred from winner to winner. However, since Dave Labowitz had it last I'd recommend you pay to sanitize it. Well, as much as one can sanitize a Moose's anus.

Without further poo, here are your results for Week Five

1. Joey Bansen ... 11-2
2. Matthew Mariam ... 10-3
3. Dave Labowitz ... 10-3
4. Robin Wood ... 9-4
4. Bill Denton ... 9-4
4. Sandy Kory ... 9-4
7. Zack Klein ... 8-5
7. Adam Roy ... 8-5
7. Karl Vaillancourt ... 8-5
10. John Weaver ... 7-6
10. Christine ... 7-6
10. George Smith ... 7-6
10. Ryan Schultz ... 7-6
10. Gedeon Mariam ... 7-6
10. Matthew Kory ... 7-6
16. Josh Money ... 6-7
16. Paddy Althoff ... 6-7
18. Jon Stover ... 5-8

Joey's nice week got him within shouting distance of respectability, but not lost in the joy of Joey's victory was more good weeks turned in by those at the top. Dave picked up two games on Karl and vaulted over John Weaver to take second place in the Current Overall Standings (COS). In other less flattering news, I'm a game from the bottom. Yay me. Ugh.

1. Karl Vaillancourt ... 59
2. Dave Labowitz ... 56
3. John Weaver ... 55
3. Zack Klein ... 53
5. Matthew Mariam ... 52
5. Robin Wood ... 52
7. Ryan Schultz ... 51
7. Joey Bansen ... 51
9. Sandy Kory ... 49
9. George Smith ... 49
11. Paddy Althoff ... 48
11. Gedeon Mariam ... 48
11. Josh Money ... 48
14. Matthew Kory ... 47
14. Bill Denton ... 47
16. Christine Roberts ... 46
16. Jon Stover ... 46
16. Adam Roy ... 46

Apologies for the late posting, peeps. I try to do this on Tuesdays but this Tuesday conspired against me (communist Tuesday!) and I wasn't able to get it done. Going forward I should be able to keep to this schedule though.

Week 6 Schedule to come...

Monday, October 10, 2011

Week 5: Update

Last week's update brought zero suspense. Sadly this week's update is just as unexciting. As it stands right now, Joey Bansen is the only one in the pool with ten wins. With one game left, only Dave Labowitz and Matthew Mariam are within striking distance with nine wins. Unfortunately for drama, both Dave and Matt picked Detroit, just like Joey did. So neither of those two can make up the necessary game to catch Joey.

So Joey wins. Blah blah blah crap.

Back tomorrow with the weekly results, the current overall standings and probably a bunch of poop jokes.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Week 5: Schedule

You want fries with this schedule?

New Orleans at Carolina
Tennessee at Pittsburgh
Arizona at Minnesota
Oakland at Houston
Kansas City at Indianapolis
Seattle at New York "Tattletale" Giants
Philadelphia at Buffalo
Cincinnati at Jacksonville
Tampa Bay at San Francisco
New York Jets at New England
San Diego at Denver
Green Bay at Atlanta
Chicago at Detroit (plus total points)

Week 4: Results

Week 4 is in the books so, if you're from Texas or Alabama, you can go ahead and set those books on fire. If not, well, unless you're name rhymes with Pooparl Pooancourt or Poopave Poopowitz then you might want to find something else to do besides reading on. Unless you're Poopatthew Poopory in which case you have to write this shit. Pity me, friends.

But don't get any excess pity on Dave Labowitz because, first of all it would ruin his nicely manicured suit (can a suit be manicured? I'm a slob and don't know), secondly because I need all I can get, but thirdly and most importantly because he don't need none of it. Dave had week 4 finished before Sunday. That's 'cause he's a man who gets shit done, son!

No, Dave wasn't the only one to correctly call San Francisco beating Philadelphia (that would be Christine Roberts) and he wasn't one of the two to nail the Bengals beating the Bills (Jon Stover (Bills fan) and Zack Klein), nor was he one of the two who picked KC to whip up on the Vikings (Robin and Paddy), butt - and this is such a a big but it deserves two Ts - those were the only three Dave missed. Consistency, folks. That's how it's done

So congratulations to Dave Labowitz. For his efforts, Dave wins a 6 month membership into the coaster of the month club! Just think, Dave, no more water marks on all your expensive Ikea furniture!

No, sadly, Dave wins the WSP, and not a cent more, dammit.

Here's your Week 4 final standings:

1. Dave Labowitz ... 13-3
2. Robin Wood ... 12-4
2. Zack Klein ... 12-4
2. Gedeon Mariam ... 12-4
2. Josh Money ... 12-4
2. George Smith ... 12-4
2. Karl Vaillancourt ... 12-4
2. John Weaver ... 12-4
9. Ryan Schultz ... 11-5
9. Paddy Althoff ... 11-5
9. Christine Roberts ... 11-5
9. Matthew Kory ... 11-5
9. Jon Stover ... 11-5
9. Sandy Kory ...11-5
15. Matthew Mariam ... 10-6
16. Bill Denton ... 9-7
16. Adam Roy ... 9-7
16. Joey Bansen ... 9-7

Speaking of consistency, you will notice a familiar name up atop the Current Overall Standings (COS) this week. Last week's 11 win effort qualifies as Karl's worst week of the year. Were it mine it would be my best. After Karl, we get John "12:59" Weaver and then the aforementioned Mr. Poopowitz (enjoy your coasters, sucker!).

Anyway, here's the COS through Week 4:

1. Karl Vaillancourt ... 51
2. John Weaver ... 48
3. Dave Labowitz ... 46
4. Zack Klein ... 45
5. Ryan Schultz ... 44
6. Robin Wood ... 43
7. Josh Money ... 42
7. George Smith ... 42
7. Matthew Mariam ... 42
10. Gedeon Mariam ... 41
10. Paddy Althoff ... 41
10. Jon Stover ... 41
13. Sandy Kory ... 40
13. Matthew Kory ... 40
13. Joey Bansen ... 40
16. Adam Roy ... 39
17. Christine Roberts ... 39
18. Bill Denton ... 38

Schedule will be up shortly. Enjoy your week, and if you can, try to spend some time ruminating on how to beat Karl Vaillancourt. Please. This is getting embarrassing.

Sunday, October 02, 2011

Week 4: Update

Usually I spend these weekly updates getting you all psyched for the Monday Night contest and all the different turns the pool could can still take. Who will win? [clasps hands to face] Oh, I just don't know! Lets get all in depth and such!

But in this case, with Week 4, I've got nothing. No drama, no questions, no what ifs. All I got is Dave Labowitz. Dave Labowitz wins.

We'll get to the whole thing tomorrow, but for now, Dave leads the pool with 12 wins and nobody else can catch him.

Wasn't that fun?

Check back after the Monday night game and see how the chips fell.

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Week 4: Schedule

Time for another yummy dose of schedule. Open wide.

Detroit at Dallas
Pittsburgh at Houston
San Francisco at Philadelphia
Minnesota at Kansas City
Washington at St.Louis
Buffalo at Cincinnati
Tennessee at Cleveland
New Orleans at Jacksonville
Carolina at Chicago
Atlanta at Seattle
New York Giants at Arizona
Denver at Green Bay
New England at Oakland
Miami at San Diego
New York Jets at Baltimore
Indianapolis at Tampa Bay (plus total points)

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Week 3: Results

Week 3 is in the books and what a books (?) it is!

Nothing like starting off the weekly results post by not making any damn sense. But when considering the week that was in the NFL, or as Chris Carter would say, the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE, maybe it's fitting. The Bills? The Lions? The Eagles? Jeez... who saw that shit coming, right? Well, to be fair and in order, three people, everyone, and Ryan Schultz. Ryan was the only one to pick the New York Coitus Giants. Unfortunately he wasn't so lucky with his other picks, as we shall see.

But, to resume from our Update yesterday, as you will recall, a Redskins win ensured John Weaver's first WSP of 2011. A Dallas win threw open the doors to chaos. We all know chaos is the default setting in life, a fact that many of us ignored by stupidly choosing the Redskins. I'm a founding member of that group, sadly.

Dallas' win meant the week came down to Monday Night Points (MNP) but Dallas' redzone incompetence meant that the score stayed low, a measly 34 points. You'll remember from the update that if the score was between 0 and 34 total points, the winner would be (and is)...

Sandy Kory!

Sandy wins a trip to exotic Prague! An all inclusive stay in beautiful Prague with a 4 star hotel and pre-made reservations at the best restaurants! The only thing is you can't be in Prague at the time of the award... oh... guess what? Drat! Maybe next time my globetrotting brother won't be so cavalier about uh, globetrotting. The good news is that the WSP of $80 comes out to 1,432 Czech Crowns. So, you know, there is that.

Here are the final standings for Week 3 in the Pool(poop!):

1. Sandy Kory ... 11-5
1. Karl Vaillancourt ... 11-5
1. John Weaver ... 11-5
1. Zack Klein ... 11-5
5. Joey Bansen ... 10-6
5. George Smith ... 10-6
5. Gedeon Mariam ... 10-6
5. Josh Money ... 10-6
5. Jon Stover ... 10-6
5. Matthew Mariam ... 10-6
5. Christine Roberts ... 10-6
5. Matthew Kory ... 10-6
13. Dave Labowitz ... 9-7
13. Robin Wood ... 9-7
13. Ryan Schultz ... 9-7
13. Bill Denton ... 9-7
17. Paddy Althoff ... 6-10
18. Adam Roy ... 5-11

I've changed up the way I present The Current Overall Standings (COS) this year. You olde heads may have noticed I've dropped the records and am just going with total wins. It's the same thing, and you get the same sense of where you are in comparison with your other pool(poop!)mates, but it's so much easier on yours truly.

Anyway, here. COS:

1. Karl Vaillancourt ... 39
2. John Weaver ... 36
3. Zack Klein ... 33
3. Dave Labowitz ... 33
5. Ryan Schultz ... 32
5. Matthew Mariam ... 32
7. Robin Wood ... 31
7. Joey Bansen ... 31
9. Jon Stover ... 30
9. George Smith ... 30
9. Josh Money ... 30
12. Sandy Kory ... 29
12. Gedeon Mariam ... 29
12. Paddy Althoff ... 29
12. Bill Denton 29
12. Matthew Kory ... 29
17. Christine Roberts ... 28
18. Adam Roy ... 27

If you can do simple math and your name isn't Karl Vaillancourt then you may notice that your ass is getting kicked by Karl Vaillancourt. He's got a 3 game lead on the field and a six game lead on the money. Which, is insane. Still, we're only there weeks into this baby (that's a gross visual, huh?) so there's still time to climb out of the abyss if your name is (picking one at random) Matthew Kory. Actually, he's fucked.

But if you're anyone else you still have a shot. So don't forget to send in those picks (ADAM!) this week. The schedule will be up shortly. Have a great week everyone.

Monday, September 26, 2011

Week 3: Update

It's late and I'm really tired. I'll update this later today with more specific information, but for now, our fearless leader is John Weaver with 11 wins. There are a ton of people (including yours truly) who have 10 wins so far. John has the Skins (Washington to be all technical on you) tonight so if you have a) fewer than ten wins, b) ten wins and the Skins, you're, I'm sorry to say, F'd. If you have 10 wins and Dallas, you can, in theory, catch and tie John. I'll post the specifics here later today. But right now I'm going to pass out.

* * * UPDATE * * *

Shockingly I was leading the pool(poop!) by a game after the early games. Not at all shockingly that lead didn't last. In fact, I was passed by about everyone. But enough about me. Let's talk about someone who actually knows what they're doing. Let's talk some John Weaver.

John Weaver not only has the finest hair you've ever seen -- and I'm not kidding folks, it's f'n exquisite! -- but he is the only person in the pool to manage 11 wins so far this week. Six people did manage 10 wins however, so in contrast to past weeks, we actually have a bit of drama here. As John as a one game lead on the field, if he has the Monday Night game correct then it's a done deal. Nobody can catch him.

John perhaps foolishly put his money down on the Washington Redskins. If somehow the Redskins fail to beat the Cowboys in Dallas, that throws open the doors to the rabble. In this case the rabble is Sandy Kory, Karl Vaillancourt, and Zack Klein.

So, if Dallas wins, it comes down to Monday Night Points (MNP). Recall, if it does come down to MNP the winner will be the genius who gets closest to the total number of points scored without going over (Price Is Right rules). With that as a backdrop, here's the situation:

Sandy 29
Karl 35
Zack 42
John 44

If Dallas wins, and the total number of points scored is
  • between 0 and 34, Sandy Kory wins.
  • between 35 and 41, Karl Vaillancourt wins.
  • either 42 or 43, Zack Klein wins.
  • 44 or more, John Weaver wins.
There. Hope that all makes sense. Good luck to none of you pricks.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Week 3: Schedule

Oh calm the hell down. Here's your week 3 schedule:

Jacksonville at Carolina
Detroit at Minnesota
San Francisco at Cincinnati
Miami at Cleveland
New England at Buffalo
New York Coitus Giants at Philadelphia
Denver at Tennessee
Houston at New Orleans
New York Jets at Oakland
Kansas City at San Diego
Baltimore at St. Louis
Atlanta at Tampa Bay
Green Bay at Chicago
Arizona at Seattle
Pittsburgh at Indianapolis
Washington at Dallas (plus total points)

Send your picks to mattyspool@gmail.com by 1pm EST this Sunday, September 25th

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Week 2: Results

Wow, am I bad at this. So so so bad. I thought it was a tough week, then I looked at just about everyone else's picks. Nope, not really that hard. Special thanks to Christine and my brother for not sending in his picks.  Maybe I'll back into one one of these weeks.

Actually, this gives me a good opportunity to talk about not sending in your picks. It happens people. I mean, I like to believe that you all live, breath, sleep, eat, shit, eat that shit, and sleep again the pool(poop!), but I know that sometimes sending in your picks just falls through the cracks. Maybe your parents were killed in a helicopter accident. Maybe flesh-eating locusts devoured your brother. Maybe your legs were caught in a bear trap. Multiple bear traps actually. And you had to gnaw them off at the ankles. Who am I to judge? We all face hardships in life and sometimes the pool(poop!) is secondary. Reminds me, sorry about your legs Sandy!

So when that happens I don't want it to destroy your season here in the pool(poop!). It's in everyone's interest to have fun with this and it's more fun when you're in contention. Back in the old days when I used to send weekly schedules by mastodon, I gave people all the home teams, or the favorites. But then we encountered situations wherein people who didn't send in their picks got better records than people who did. And that can't stand. So what I do now is take the worst record that anyone has that week and then subtract a game. This week Christine finished 9-7, ergo Sandy gets 8-8. It sucks, and it's tough to dig yourself out from, but it won't necessarily destroy your season.

Well, actually, if Karl Vaillancourt keeps picking like this, we're all F'd anyway, so the whole policy doesn't much matter. Krazy Karl, as I've taken to calling him -- and by "taken to calling him" I mean "just started calling him" (if you think that's bad wait till you see what I call him after he wins again next week) -- isn't perfect on the year. But he's damn close. Out of 32 games, Krazy Karl has 28 of 'em right. I couldn't get that many correct if you gave me the answers beforehand.

So without further ado (poo!), here's how things ended up in Week 2:

1. Karl Vaillancourt ... 15-1
2. John Weaver ... 14-2
2. Dave Labowitz ... 14-2
4. Matthew Mariam ... 13-3
5. Robin Wood ... 12-4
5. Jon Stover ... 12-4
5. Joey Bansen ... 12-4
5. Zack Klein ... 12-4
5. George Smith ... 12-4
5. Paddy Althoff ... 12-4
5. Josh Money ... 12-4
12. Gedeon Mariam ... 11-5
12. Adam Roy ... 11-5
14. Bill Denton ... 10-6
14. Christine Roberts ... 10-6
14. Matthew Kory ... 10-6
17. Ryan Schultz ... 9-7
18. Sandy Kory ... 8-8

That's right, John Weaver went 14-2 and didn't even make it to Monday Night Points. Jeez... All of which means, Karl Vaillancourt is this week's Big Weiner! For his exemplary efforts, Karl wins a DVD, Souffle the Manning Way: Baking with Eli. We're all looking forward that cheese and mushroom recipe, Karl! No, sadly, Karl only wins the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP). Again (again).

Which reminds me: you'll never guess who is in first place over all. I'll give you negative four guesses! Wrong! It's Karl Vaillancourt who will be, if we all aren't careful, able to put a down payment on a house in sixteen weeks. Here are the Current Overall Standings (COS) through Week 2:

Current Overall Standings (COS)

1. Karl Vaillancourt ... 28 wins
2. John Weaver ... 25
3. Dave Labowitz ... 24
4. Ryan Schultz ... 23
4. Paddy Althoff ... 23
6. Adam Roy ... 22
6. Matthew Mariam ... 22
6. Robin Wood ... 22
6. Zack Klein ... 22
10. Joey Bansen ... 21
11. Bill Denton ... 20
11. Jon Stover ... 20
11. Josh Money ... 20
11. George Smith ... 20
15. Gedeon Mariam ... 19
15. Matthew Kory ... 19
17. Christine Roberts ... 18
17. Sandy Kory ... 18

I'll have the schedule for Week 3 up shortly. Congrats again to Krazy Karl Vaillancourt. Oh! And Karl, if you hear a rustling in your bushes any night this week, it's Dave Labowitz. Put some beer in a saucer, put it on the front stoop, and lock all your doors and windows.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Week 2: Update

You don't want to know.

OK, fine. Karl won again. Dave Labowitz almost won, but he didn't. Silly Eagles.

Back tomorrow with the specifics. Congrats (again) to Karl.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Week 2: Schedule

Quit yer yappin! Here's the Week 2 Schedule:

Seattle at Pittsburgh
Oakland at Buffalo
Arizona at Washington
Tampa Bay at Minnesota
Jacksonville at New York Jets
Chicago at New Orleans
Green Bay at Carolina
Baltimore at Tennessee
Kansas City at Detroit
Cleveland at Indianapolis
Dallas at San Francisco
Cincinnati at Denver
San Diego at New England
Houston at Miami
Philadelphia at Atlanta
St. Louis at New York Flatulence Giants (plus total points)

As always, email your winners and Monday Night Points to mattyspool@gmail.com by the start of the first game.

Week 1: Results

I just noticed that all the numbers are different. Apparently here at Matty's Football Pool(poop!) Headquarters (MFP(p!)HQ) counting things isn't our strong suit. For the record this is the Sixth Matty's Football Pool(poop!, or in the proper parlance, Matty's Sixth Semi-Annual Football Pool (poop!) (MSSAFP(p!)!). 

Just so that's clear. 

Anyway, to the pool(poop!)!

That's it, folks. Week 1 is in the books and all I have to show for it is this shitty record. You'd think as the person in charge of this pool(poop!) I'd have some F'n idea of what it is I'm doing. Nope. Not a one. In fairness to me, Week 1 is a toughie year after year. Stuff happens during the off season that throws our perceptions of who is good and who isn't asunder. Teams are built up over the off season, some on a foundation of talent, others on a foundation of hype. How quickly we are able to differentiate between the two can be the difference between finishing in the money at the end of the year or being clubbed in the eye with a brick (I did mention that last place gets clubbed in the eye with a brick, right?).

So who best managed the transition from off season to regular season? Who has the teams pegged best of all? Who knows the ins and outs of football best of all in this the year of our pool 2012? Who was the winner of the first Weekly Standard Prize (WSP)? 

You'll recall that five people were still alive for the WSP at the beginning of the Monday night games. Of course Tom Brady single-handedly eliminated Matthew Mariam, who was the only one of us to pick against New England. Smart move there, Matt.

The second Monday night game featured the Raiders and Broncos. Only one of the remaining people picked Oakland (and only three of us, I think, in the entire pool) who pulled out a close one. But who? The answer is your Week 1 winner: Karl Vaillancourt.

Yes, Karl Vaillancourt is this week's big weiner. Karl wins a six month subscription to Cat Fancy and  flaming bag of turds delivered to his front porch at 3am! Congratulations, Karl! No, sadly, Karl wins the Weekly Standard Prize of $80. That's enough for a year subscription to Cat Fancy!

So in conclusion, Karl won and kicked us in our collective dick in the process. Ouch. Thanks, Karl. Dave Labowitz take note, Mr. Vaillancourt hasn't lapped the field yet, but he's off to a nice start. 

Here is how Week 1 ended up.

1. Karl Vaillancourt ... 13-3
2. Adam Roy ... 11-5
2. Paddy Althoff ... 11-5
2. John Weaver ... 11-5
5. Bill Denton ... 10-6
5. Ryan Schultz ... 10-6
5. Zack Klein ... 10-6
5. Sandy Kory ... 10-6
5. Dave Labowitz ... 10-6
5. Robin Wood ... 10-6
11. Joey Bansen ... 9-7
11. Matthew Kory ... 9-7 (maybe 10-6 if I'd remembered to pick the ARI/SF game... moron)
11. Matthew Mariam ... 9-7
14. George Smith ... 8-8
14. Christine Roberts ... 8-8
14. Jon Stover ... 8-8
14. Josh Money ... 8-8
14. Gedeon Mariam ... 8-8

I usually publish the Current Overall Standings (COS) here as well, but since this is Week 1 they're the same thing. Yay!

Congratulations again to Karl. The schedule for Week 2 will be up later today.

Have a good week everyone.

Monday, September 12, 2011

Week 1: Update 2

What a weird day. First we have the 24 hour remembrance of 9/11 which is fine, I guess, but it sure does take the wind out of your sails. "Lots of people died ten years ago in an awful, painful, horrible mass killing. Are you ready for some football?!?!?" Um, not really, no.

As for our little pool(poop!), we've got a live one here this week. Of the 18 people in the pool(poop!), five of them are still alive for this, our first Weekly Standard Prize (WSP). Here they are in all their flaming glory:

1. Karl Vaillancourt ... 11-3 (47 Monday Night points)

2. John Weaver ... 10-4 (44)

2. Paddy Althoff ... 10-4 (didn't send in his points - rookie mistake.)

2. Adam Roy ... 10-4 (31)

5. Matt Mariam ... 9-5 (39)

As you can see, Karl leads by a game over the pack. However, he picked New England and Oakland to win Monday's games and each of John Weaver, Paddy Althoff, and Adam Roy have New England and Denver. If Denver wins we've got a four way tie for first.

But what about Matt Mariam? Why is he on the list? He's the only moron in the entire pool(poop!) crazy enough to pick Miami over New England. So, if Miami AND Denver win, Matt Mariam will have risen from the depths to tie all four above him and it'll come down to Monday Night Points. (Of course we all know that won't happen, but it might, so I still have to f'n deal with it.)

Here's the breakdown (and remember, folks, Monday Night Points go by Price is Right rules: the one closes to the right answer without going over wins (if everyone goes over it's just the closest)):
  • If Miami wins... Matt Mariam is still in it. 
  • If New England wins Matt Mariam can sit back down on that dildo and wait a week.
  • If Oakland wins... Karl wins the WSP
  • If Denver wins... things get interesting. Keep reading.
  • If Denver wins and Miami wins and the final score is between...
    0-38 - Adam Roy wins
    39-43 - Matt Mariam wins
    44-46 - John Weaver wins
    47-above Karl Vaillancourt wins
  • If Denver wins and New England wins and the final score is between...
    0-43 - Adam Roy wins
    44-46 - John Weaver wins
    47-above Karl Vaillancourt wins

So I'm sure that's totally clear. I'll be back with the results late Monday evening or Tuesday morning depending on how drunk I get. 

Oh yeah, Paddy, sorry bud, but you didn't send me your Monday Night Points so unless you finish a game up on the field (which ain't happening for you this week) you can't win. Gotta send in those points.

Good luck to all you bastards. Except Matt Mariam. Miami? Are you fucking serious?

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Week 1: Update 1

We're one whole game into the NFL season here at MFSAFP(p!)! and already we've got some stratification in the standings. Some, anyway.

1. Absolutely everyone in the Pool(poop!) ... 1-0
2. Except George Smith ... 0-1
2. And Adam Roy ... 0-1
4. Ha ha

Lotsa Info: Money, Money, Money, Money. Mooooooooney! Payouts & Tie-Breakers

If you're looking for the Week 1 Schedule, it's here

Hey now gang, it's money breakdown time. I know in each of your heart of hearts you're in this pool for one reason: love of the game. Sure, everyone wants to get paid, but for you it's the competition, the dedication, and the desire to show you're the best that drives you each week. I respect that. Or, as the kids say, 'Gots ta 'spect it, son.'

So you may not have any interest in the rest of this post. But I figured, I may as well post it, you know, just in case someone actually cares. I mean, I'm sure you don't, but someone might.

* * *

In this moist season of manly NFL action, we've got 17 people participating in the Pool(poop!). That's [breaks out abacus] $2,125 in total money. Remember, nothing comes off the top. All of the money goes back to you. Or if I'm lucky, me. After consulting with my Treasurer, Matthew Mariam, we've decided on the following payouts.

Weekly Winner: $80 (17 x $80 = $1,360)
- Each week this prize goes to 1), the person with the best record, or 2) in the case of a tie, the person with the best record who came the closest without going over to the total points of that week's designated Monday night game, or 3) if everyone tied for first went over, then the person with the best record who got the closest to the total points.

Final Standings:
First overall: $420
Second overall: $210
Third overall: $135

[$1,360 + $420 + $210 + $135 = $2,125]

Final Overall Standings Tie Payout Scenarios (FOSTPS)

In the years doing this pool we've never had a tie at the top of the final standings before. But just in case, I thought it would be good to put in writing.  For my own amusement I'll do this in the form of a FAQ ("Hey, man!  FAAA Q!")


Q: What if there is a two way tie for first?

A: The first overall and second overall prize money is combined ($420 + $210 = $630) and divided by two ($630 / 2 = $315).  Each of the tied participants receives an equal share. The person finishing behind the top two wins the third overall prize ($135).


Q: What if there is a three way (or more) tie for first?

A: All the prize money is be combined ($765) and divided by the number of people tied for the position.


Made Up Final Standings:
Person 1 ... 200-2
Person 2 ... 200-2
Person 3 ... 200-2
Person 4 ... 199-3
Person 5 ... 198-4

- Person 1, Person 2, and Person 3 are tied for first overall. All the final money is added together ($765), split three ways, and distributed equally to each ($255 per share).

- Person 4 and Person 5 get kicked in the dick.


Q: What if there is a tie for second overall, but not for first overall?

A:  The person who finishes first overall will receive the full first overall prize.  The people tied for second will receive the total of the second and third overall prizes ($210 + $135 = $345) divided by the number of people tied for second.

Example 3

Final Standings:
Person 1 ... 200-2
Person 2 ... 199-3
Person 3 ... 199-3
Person 4 ... 199-3
Person 5 ... 198-4

- Person 1 wins the full first overall prize of $410.
- Person 2, Person 3 and Person 4 are all tied for second. The second place and third place money ($210 and $135) are combined ($345) and split three ways so that each receives a share ($115).
- Person 5 receives a boot to the nads.


Q: What if there are no ties for first or second but there is a tie for third?

A: The first and second overall prizes will be distributed normally. The third overall prize ($135) will be split as many ways as there are third place finishers.


Q: What if there is a two-way tie for first overall and a tie for third overall?

A: You mean if the final standings look like this?

Person 1 ... 200-2
Person 2 ... 200-2
Person 3 ... 199-3
Person 4 ... 198-4
Person 5 ... 198-4

Q: Yes.

A: In that case the first overall prize and the second overall prize would be added together and divided up equally between the top two finishers as discussed above.  The third overall prize would go to Person 3, who finished third overall.  Persons 4 and 5 would receive the out-of-contention punch to the nuts.


Q: What if there are no ties at all?

A: Whore it out, baby. 


* * *

I hope that is all clear. Please email me if you have any questions.

Tuesday, September 06, 2011

Week 1: Schedule

It's time for Week 1!!!

Of note:
1. You may send in your Thursday pick and the remaining games separately. I need your Thursday pick (NO@BG) by 8:29pm EST, Thursday, September 8th, and all the remaining games by 1:00pm EST on Sunday, September 11th.
2. There are two Monday night games this week. The later of the two will be the tie breaker.

Here is your Week 1 Schedule:

New Orleans at Green Bay (8:30pm EST – first game of year)

Atlanta at Chicago
Indianapolis at Houston
Buffalo at Kansas City
Tennessee at Jacksonville
Cincinnati at Cleveland
Philadelphia at St. Louis
Pittsburgh at Baltimore
Detroit at Tampa Bay
Minnesota at San Diego
New York “Goatbutt” Giants at Washington
Carolina at Arizona
Seattle at San Francisco
Dallas at New York Jets
New England at Miami
Oakland at Denver (plus total points)

Send your picks to mattyspool@gmail.com

Sunday, September 04, 2011

It's (Yet) Another Season Of MSAFP(p!)!: Your Introduction To The Year

Hey now, gang!

Welcome to another moist and exciting season of NFL football. We almost didn't make it, but now we made it. That's my synopsis of NFL Lockout '10-11, which, when I write it that way, sounds like a video game. Play NFL Lockout '10-11! Play as either the NFL or the NFLPA! Should you de-certify? Should you make inflammatory comments to the NY Times? Does it matter if you waive a gun at some dude in a night club? Play your cards right and you could put the entire NFL players union into indentured servitude! Or get talk the NFL owners into a $50,000,000 minimum salary!

Anyway. There are a few things we should get in writing. First, welcome. Second, I write about poop a lot. Not because I think it's funny but because it is funny. Third, hopefully this pool(poop!) (see?) improves your enjoyment of the NFL season. Second third, I'm not good at counting.

And now, How This Pool(poop!) Works:

I try to keep email to a minimum. As such, this blog will serve as the conduit of all things pool(poop!) related. You can expect stuff to be posted at standard times. In other words, bookmark this page 'cause you'll be back here often.

The weekly schedule:
  • The weekly schedule will appear here on Tuesdays, but sometimes Wednesdays.
  • After Sunday's games I usually put up an update. Check and find out if you're in the running for the money that week and if so what you need to happen on Monday night to win. 
  • After the last game of the week, I put up both the weekly standings and the season-to-date standings. 
  • Then we do the whole damn thing all over again. Yay!
How to send in your picks (PLEASE READ THIS):
  • Email your picks to me before the first game starts. 
  • Email them to mattyspool@gmail.com. [Note: this is a different email address than I've been using to correspond with you so far!]
  • Please send them to me in the order I put them on the website! This will save me tons of time.  Copy and paste the schedule from this site into the body of your email. Then cut out the teams you think will lose, so that when finished you have list of the teams you think will win that week. For example, if I posted a the following:
Washington at NY Giants
Dallas at Philadelphia
Seattle at Jacksonville (plus total points) 

You could send this back to me:

NY Giants

Seattle (45)

As for Monday Night Points [the last game with the points designation is always the Monday night game]:
  • those are used to break a tie. 
  • If two or more people end up tied for first with the same number of games correct, we use Monday Night Points (MNP) as a tiebreaker. 
  • At MFSAFP(p!), we use The Price Is Right rules. For those of you unfamiliar, that means the winner is the one who gets closest to the total without going over. 
  • For example, if you sent 45 points as in the above example and Bob sent in 30 points and the total points scored in that game (all the points scored by both teams together) is 44, Bob would win. You were closer but you went over. If everyone goes over then the rule is the guess closest to the actual number. If it is a tie, we split the prize money.
When to send in your picks:
  • I need all of your picks by the start of the first game of the week, which is usually 1:05 pm EST. 
  • However, we're making an exception for Thursday games. If you want, you may send in your picks in two installments, 1) Your Thursday pick before Thursday's kickoff and 2) the rest of your weekly picks by the start of the next game, be it Saturday or Sunday. 
  • Please title your email in such a way so it contains both your name and the week number. For example: "Dick's Week 1 picks"
I'll post the money breakdown around the first week of the season (i.e. sometime soon) after I find out for sure how many people we have in the pool(poop!).

Hopefully everything is clear, but if you have any questions, feel free to shoot me an email (matthew.kory@gmail.com). You can also email the pool treasurer, Matthew Mariam, at matthew.mariam@gmail.com.

Good luck and bring on Week 1!!