Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Week 4: Schedule

Here is your schedule for Week 4. Please, if you aren't already doing so, can you send me your winners in the order that I post them here? It makes it oh so much easier for me. Many thanks, ho bags. Many thanks.

Detroit at Chicago

Seattle at Indianapolis

Tennessee at Jacksonville

NY “Table Top” Giants at Kansas City

Tampa Bay at Washington

Baltimore at New England

Oakland at Houston

Cincinnati at Cleveland

Buffalo at Miami

NY Jets at New Orleans

Dallas at Denver

St. Louis at San Francisco

San Diego at Pittsburgh

Green Bay at Minnesota (plus total points)

The first game fires up at 1pm EST this Sunday, so I'll need all your picks including your MNP by then. Have a great week.

Week 3: Results

Holy poop on a stick, peeps, it's Tuesday morning and here I am in my apartment having sworn off coffee for a week to my wife. [front door closes....five minutes pass] Now that I've got my coffee, I'm ready to talk some football, dammit!

Quite the eventful week here at MTAFP(p!)!HQ. I managed to cash in a few favors for the wife and head down to the New Wave in South Philly to watch the Redskins game. Actually watched the debacle unfold next to five other Skins fans...*sigh*... But hey, at least the Redskins next opponent is Tampa, who isn't any better than Detroit (or Washington for that matter). Should be interesting to see who everyone picks in that game. Kinda reminds me of the South Park episode where the school has to pick a new mascot and the choices are Turd Sandwich or Giant Douche.

But you all didn't come here to read about my sad sad sad sad life. No, it's pool(poop) time, baby.

To the Pool(poop!)! Poop!

As you may remember from yesterday's update, we had a three horse race between Dan Sinclair, Gedeon Mariam, and Adam Roy. This was the breakdown of MNP:

If the score is...
... 34 or less, everyone will be over, but Gedeon will be the closest, so he'll win.
... between 35 and 44, Gedeon will win.
... between 45 and 53, Adam will win.
... 54 or over, Dan will win.

The final score of the Dallas/Carolina game was Dallas 21, Carolina 7. As 28 is less than 35, everyone went over, which means the one with the closest prediction wins, and as that happens to be Gedeon! Again! Shit!

So, congratulations, Gedeon, on your second win in three f'n weeks! You bastard! This week's prize is a live baby, delivered directly to your house via FedEx (please allow 2-3 weeks for delivery)! Enjoy your baby, Gedeon, and if anyone asks where you got it, you tell 'em you won it in Matty's Third Annual Football Pool (poop!)! Though I wouldn't put that on your taxes...

No, sadly, Gedeon wins the Weekly Standard Prize! of $70. It should be just enough to convert into small bills and smack his brother in the face with for picking Cleveland over Denver last week.

Here are the final standings for Week 3:

1. Gedeon Mariam...12-4
1. Adam Roy...12-4
1. Dan Sinclair...12-4
4. Josh Money...11-5
4. Bill Denton...11-5
4. Joey Bansen...11-5
4. Sandy Kory...11-5
4. Dave Labowitz...11-5
4. Karl Vaillancourt...11-5
4. John Weaver...11-5
4. George Smith...11-5
12. Zack Klein...10-6
12. Jon Stover...10-6
14. ME Goddammit!...9-7
14. Matthew Mariam...9-7
16. Alex Mena...8-8

And here are the Current Overall Standings (COS):

1. Gedeon Mariam...36-12
2. George Smith...33-15
3. Dan Sinclair...32-16
3. John Weaver...32-16
3. Adam Roy...32-16
3. Bill Denton...32-16
3. Joey Bansen...32-16
3. Jon Stover...32-16
9. Zack Klein...31-17
9. Karl Vaillancourt...31-17
9. Dave Labowitz...31-17
9. Alex Mena...31-17
13. Sandy Kory...30-18
13. Matthew Mariam...30-18
13. Josh Money...30-18
16. At Least You Know I'm Not Cheating...28-20

You may notice two things besides the fact that you aren't winning (unless you are in the process of changing your name to Gedeon). Gedeon is kicking the shit out of all of us. A three game lead over the whole pack after three weeks? I'm not sure I've ever seen that before in the pool(poop!). Also, you'll see that I'm bringing up the rear two games behind everyone, and a full eight games behind Gedeon. Oh. My. God. I suck. My football team sucks. My fantasy football teams suck. I suck.

And with that, I leave you, good pool(poop!) participant to another fabulous week of life to enjoy. Just remember, don't lift your head too high above the cubicle wall, lest a large hand with a padded mallet descend from the ceiling and smack yo' ass back down.

Week 4 schedule to come shortly...

Monday, September 28, 2009

Week 3: Update

We're down to one more game here in Week 3 and as usual with Monday Night Football, we've got a good team against a crappy one. Meaning, just about everyone (ALEX?) picked Dallas to win tonight. And you know what that means! Say it with me now... Monday Night Points!

But I'm getting ahead of myself. So, with the aforementioned single game remaining, we've got a three way tie for first this week. Gedeon Mariam, Dan Sinclair, and Adam Roy all have 11 wins so far. John Weaver would have 11 too if he hadn't gone and picked Arizona to win last night. John, seriously, what were you thinking? Well, yeah, sure, I picked them too, but I'm an idiot.

So, enough babbling, let's get to it. Remember, the winner is the one who comes the closest without going over, unless of course, everyone goes over, then it's just the closest. Gedeon picked 35 MNP, Adam picked 45 MNP, and Dan picked 54, so here's how it breaks down for tonight's game.

If the score is...
... 34 or less, everyone will be over, but Gedeon will be the closest, so he'll win.
... between 35 and 44, Gedeon will win.
... between 45 and 53, Adam will win.
... 54 or over, Dan will win.

Best of luck, gentlemen.

And for those of you curious what I thought of my Redskins losing to the Lions yesterday (HOLY %#&@*#^$%), here it is. And yes, it does contain a few swear words.

Saturday, September 26, 2009


For those of you who miss my weekly columns wherein I make bold pronouncements about poop, no, the FCC has not silenced me. Around The NFL With Matty can now be found on TOOOAST!!!, a little website I write for along with a few other people, including Bill who you may also know as someone who has a better record in the pool than I do.

In anycase, you can find ATNFLWM and lots of other hilarious and insightful bullshit at www.toooast.com (leave off the last 's' for savings!).


Thursday, September 24, 2009

Week 3: Schedule

Here is the schedule for Week 3 of moist 'n hot NFL action:

Washington at Detroit
Green Bay at St. Louis
San Francisco at Minnesota
Atlanta at New England
Tennessee at NY Jets
Kansas City at Philadelphia
NY Giants at Tampa Bay
Cleveland at Baltimore
Jacksonville at Houston
New Orleans at Buffalo
Chicago at Seattle
Miami at San Diego
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
Denver at Oakland
Indianapolis at Arizona
Carolina at Dallas (plus total points)

Week 3 starts at 1pm EST this Sunday, so I'll need your picks and your MNP by then. Thanks, and have a great week.

Week 2: Results: Back From The Beach

Sorry for the delay in posting the results, people. I was locked in the bathroom by my cat and... well, not really. I was taken hostage by terrorists, and force fed bottle after bottle of expired Diet Shasta Ginger Ale (Still With No Actual Ginger!)... no, well, actually I took my kids to the beach for the first time. [pause for crying]. Yes, it was a magical and moist time, not unlike Week 2 of the NFL season! (greatest. segway. ever.)

So, if you'll recover from that AWESOME SEGWAY and recall that, once again, it came down to Monday Night Points (MNP) last week. Gedeon called 42 and Alex called 56, meaning if the score was 56 or over Alex won. If it was 55 or under, Gedeon won. Well this may not be news to some of you, but some of us have been ensconced Dawn Tha Showa (that's "down the shore") where there is no internet, so please bear with us.

Indy won 27-23, for a total of 50 points. Alex: So so so sorry, but, Congratulations to Gedeon on his first ever Weekly Standard Prize (WSP)! Gedeon, you win Matell's new Masturbating Baboon toy! Just turn the crank (so to speak) and it goes right to work! And, it comes with real vanilla Jell-O pudding! Amaze you friends, gross out just about everyone, and Yay, just in time to celebrate the birth of our Savior!

No, sadly, you'll win the WSP of $70. Amaze you friends, confound your enemies, and buy yourself some gum. Or something.

So, here are the final standings for Week 2:

1. Gedeon...12-4
1. Alex...12-4
3. Jon Stover...10-6
3. Bill Denton...10-6
3. John Weaver...10-6
6. George Smith...9-7
6. Matthew Mariam...9-7
6. Matthew Kory (ME!)...9-7
9. Dan Sinclair...8-8
9. Zack Klein...8-8
9. Karl Vaillancourt...8-8
9. Sandy Kory...8-8
9. Joey Bansen...8-8
9. Adam Roy...8-8
15. Dave "Dollars" Labowitz...7-9
16. Josh "No Dollars" Money...6-10

And, for the first time this year, I present to you, the Current Overall Standings (COS). Unsurprisingly, the two WSP winners are near the top:

1. Gedeon Mariam...24-8
2. Alex Mena...23-9
3. Jon Stover...22-10
4. Bill Denton...21-11
4. Matthew Mariam...21-11
4. John Weaver...21-11
4. Zack Klein...21-11
4. Joey Bansen... 21-11
4. George Smith...21-11
10. Dave Labowitz...20-12
10. Karl Vaillancourt...20-12
10. Dan Sinclair...20-12
10. Adam Roy...20-12
14. Josh Money... 19-13
14. ME BITCHES... 19-13
14. Sandy Kory...19-13

I should note that if anyone thinks I've made a mistake with their record, please notify me immediately. Thankyaaaaaw.

So, that's Week 2, people. The schedule for Week 3 will be up shortly. Need your picks with MNP by 1pm EST this Sunday.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Week 2: Update: I Talk Like The Kids Talk

I'm trying to take the kids to the beach today. Sacha will get to eat his first handful of sand and Wyatt will take his first poop in the ocean. Oh, this is gonna be a joy.

Why do I mention that? Because this is my blog and I can mention any damn thing I like. For example, the Redskins are going to the SUPERBOWL!!! Just a little comic relief there on a cold Monday morning.

Hope everyone had a good weekend of luscious football-related action. So, to the pool(poop!): with all but one of the games in the books, we've got yet another tie for first. Alex Mena and Gedeon Mariam are both 11-4 with tonight's Indy at Miami game left to go. Both picked Indianapolis to win (as did I think just about everyone else with maybe one exception), so, again, it's gonna come down to Monday Night Points.

[A quick aside: Not everyone sent in their Monday Night Points with their picks this week, so if it ever comes down to a choice between someone who sent in their MNP and someone who didn't, the one who didn't ain't gonna win shit. Jus say'n.]

Anyway, Gedeon picked 42 MNP and Alex called a high scoring 56.

Remember, it's the closest without going over (unless everyone is over then it's just the closest to the actual number), so it looks like Alex is fucked. If the score totals anything below 56 points, Gedeon is going to be the winner. If it's 56 or more then Alex wins. Good luck to both of you.

I'll be back tomorrow or Wednesday with a memorial service for Week 2, our first of what will be weekly checks into the overall standings (hint: I am not in first place) and a look ahead to Week 3 where all y'all hoes gonna pick my Redskins to win, even if you really really really don't want to.

Ta ta for now.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Week 2: Schedule

Here's the schedule for Week 2. The first game is at 1pm EST on Sunday. I'll need all your picks by then (including Monday Night Points).

Houston @ Tennessee
New Orleans @ Philadelphia
Arizona @ Jacksonville
Oakland @ Kansas City
Cincinnati at Green Bay
Minnesota at Detroit
St. Louis @ Washington
New England @ New York Jets
Carolina @ Atlanta
Tampa @ Buffalo
Seattle @ San Francisco
Baltimore @ San Diego
Pittsburgh @ Chicago
Cleveland @ Denver
NY Giants @ Dallas
Indianapolis @ Miami (plus total points)

You'll find my picks in the comments section posted later in the week.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Week 1: Results

After a small snafu in my update last night, which was so kindly corrected by my brother, I am able to bring you the actual and correct winner of the Week 1 Weekly Standard Prize (WSP).

As you may recall, since everyone had picked both Monday Night games the same (good show, people) this one came down to Monday Night Points. And since there were five of you assrammers at the top this week, it got kinda interesting. Here is the corrected version of the breakdown of the MNP for the Oakland/SD game.

If the San Diego/Oakland game totaled:

*Between 0-33 points, George Smith will win.

*Between 34-36 points, Zack Klein will win.

*37 or 38 points and Dave Labowitz will win.

*Between 39 and 47 points and Joey Bansen will win.

*And, anything 48 points or higher and Josh Money will win.

As you may be aware, the score of the Chargers/Raiders game was 24-20, meaning 44 points were scored, so Joey Bansen is the first weekly winner of MTAFP(p!)!'s WSP! Congratulations, Joey.

For winning the WSP, you'll receive either a steeltoed boot to the testicles, or a check in the amount of $70! Your choice! Shoot me an email if you prefer the former cause I'll have to get in touch with some people I know in Arizona who should be able to take care of you, no prob. As for the rest of you assclowns (of which I myself am most certainly included for I do live in Assclownia, PA), better luck next week.

So, without further ado, (POOP!) here are the standings after this fabulous week of deliciously moist football action:

1. Joey Bansen...13-3 (Winner of WSP by MNP!)
1. Dave Labowitz...13-3
1. George Smith...13-3
1. Zack Klein...13-3
1. Josh Money...13-3
6. Jon Stover...12-4 (MORON!)
6. Adam Roy...12-4
6. Matthew Mariam...12-4
6. Karl Vaillancourt...12-4
6. Gedeon Mariam...12-4
6. Dan Sinclair...12-4
12. John Weaver...11-5
12. Sandy Kory...11-5
12. Alex Mena...11-5
12. Bill Denton...11-5
10,000,000,000. Matt "Holy Shit I Suck" Kory...10-6

As the week's go along I'll be publishing both the weekly standings as well as the cumulative standings each week, but since this is Week 1 they're the same. Duh. Also, if you think I've calculated your record incorrectly, then I probably have. Please email me, let me know and we'll figure it out if you're able to talk me through simple addition and subtraction.

The schedule for Week 2 will be up shortly. Week 2 begins Sunday at 1pm EST, so I'll need all of your picks by then in my in-box if you are to be eligible for the WSP.

Have a great week, peeps.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Week 1: Update

[edited for actual correctness; 6:33pm EST]

Week 1 is almost in the books and several important things I suspected have been confirmed:

1) I have no idea how to pick football games. None. Zero. Zilch. Nothing to see here, please disperse.

2) The Redskins still suck. $100 million just doesn't buy what it used to, ya know?

In other less Matt-centric news, MTAFP(p!)! features a five way tie atop the Week 1 standings. That's right, a five-way! Huh huh huh... Yeah.

Since everyone selected both New England and San Diego to win tonight, the standings won't change, which means it comes down to...[drum roll]... Monday Night Points!

Remember, gang, when dealing with Monday Night Points, the winner is the one who comes closest without going over. Price Is Right rules, eh? (If everyone goes over then the winner is the one who is the closest overall.) Beauty.

Here's how it'll break down tonight. If the San Diego/Oakland game totals:

*Between 0-33 points, George Smith will win this week.

*Between 34-36 points, Zack Klein will win this week.

*37 or 38 points and Dave Labowitz will win.

*Between 39 and 47 points and Joey Bansen will win.

*And, anything 48 points or higher and Josh Money, who selected 48, will win.

I'll be back tomorrow with the final week one standings. Until then, best of luck to all you sucks.

Sunday, September 06, 2009


(Did you check out the Welcome & Pool Info post below? If not, it's right here.)

Here is your Week 1 schedule, people:

Tennessee at Pittsburgh
Miami at Atlanta
KC at Baltimore
Philadelphia at Carolina
Denver at Cincinnati
Minnesota at Cleveland
NY Jets at Houston
Jacksonville at Indianapolis
Detroit at New Orleans
Dallas at Tampa Bay
San Francisco at Arizona
Washington at NY Giants
St. Louis at Seattle
Chicago at Green Bay
Buffalo at New England
San Diego at Oakland (plus total points)

[And just to be above board, I post my picks for all to see here in the comments portion of each Weekly Schedule post. Just click on "Comments" below to see my weekly picks.]

Welcome & Pool Information

Hey now.

Welcome to the third Matty's Semi-Annual Football Pool (poop!)!, or MSAFP(p!)! for you old-heads out there. This email is going out to everyone who has said they're in, so if you haven't yet sent your money, now is the time to do it. I need that dough before THIS THURSDAY, people.

Here's how it's going to work this year. Each week I will post on the blog (mattyspool.blogspot.com) that week's NFL schedule. The post will usually go up just after the previous week has concluded. Each person in the pool will submit your winners to me at this email address (matthew.kory@gmail.com). That is, I want a list of which teams you think will win the game. No losers, no spreads, no over/under, just tell me who will win. It's easier for me if you just tell me the winners and omit the losers. For example, Jacksonville at New England. You would write:

New England

Unless you're an idiot, then you'd write:


Yes, it's just that easy. You'll do that for every game each week (all of which will be posted on the blog (mattyspool.blogspot.com)). Each week we'll tabulate everyone's record and the person with the best record will win the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) (more on that below).

In the event of a tie, i.e. two or more people end up with the same record at the end of the week, the tie-breaker will be total points scored on the Monday night game (if there are two Monday night games, I'll specify for which you should submit your total points). So, along with all your weekly picks, you should submit to me the total number of points you think will be scored in the specified Monday night game. So, for example, if Jacksonville at New England is the Monday nighter:

New England (45)

We play by Price Is Right rules, meaning the winner is the person closest to the actual number without going over. That's WITHOUT GOING OVER. If everyone who is in the running goes over, than it's just the closest, and if one person tied at the end of the week does not submit their Monday Night Points then they will not win the WSP (unless the other person doesn't submit MNP too, then you dopes'll split it).

So, really easy. Each week you:

1) look on the blog at that week's NFL schedule
2) ponder, research, throw your dice, read your websites, whatever
3) send me your winners
4) send me your Monday Night Points
5) enjoy moist and steamy NFL action
6) check the blog (mattyspool.blogspot.com) to see how you did

Assuming everyone who says they're in is in, this will be the money breakdown:

Each week the WSP will be $70. Win two WSPs and you'll already have more than your money back. Nifty, eh?
Finish in 3rd place overall at year's end, and win your money back: $125
Finish in 2nd place overall, and win twice your money back (almost): $225
Finish in 1st place overall and take down some serious coin: $460

Important but douchey note:

As a courtesy to you, I strive to not inundate your email inboxes with garbage "Hey send me your picks!" emails each week, so I can't stress enough that you will be responsible for sending in your picks each week. I may email you if you haven't sent in your picks, my friend Matt (a different Matt) may email you a reminder if you haven't sent in your picks by Sunday morning or so, but in no way should you count on receiving a reminder each week. In fact, I am trying to eliminate emails entirely, so any important message will be posted on the pool website.