Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Week 8: Schedule

Here's the schedule for Week 8, which begins on Sunday, November 1st at 1pm EST. I'll need all of your picks by then.

Seattle at Dallas
St. Louis at Detroit
Miami at New York Jets
San Francisco at Indianapolis
Cleveland at Chicago
Denver at Baltimore
New York "Lactose Intolerant" Giants at Philadelphia
Houston at Buffalo
Jacksonville at Tennessee
Oakland at San Diego
Minnesota at Green Bay
Carolina at Arizona
Atlanta at New Orleans (plus total points)

Week 7: Results

Last night I was privileged to spend my evening imbibing with three friends, two of whom, George Smith and Jon Stover, are in the Pool(poop!), and the third, Joshu Shih, who usually is, but elected to spend his time wisely instead.

After several beers, George imparted a story about working with a well known Ben Franklin impersonator here in Philadelphia who refuses to break character unless he's leaving swear-filled rants demanding money for pro bono work on George's answering machine. Its a wonderful story and if you ever see George in a bar by himself (not an unlikely event) in your neck of the woods, pull up a stool, buy the man a beer, and put in a request. It'll be money well spent, I can promise you that. In the meantime, know that if you ever come to Philadelphia and you see a man dressed as Ben Franklin wondering around smiling at people and tugging on his bifocals, do not, under any circumstances, call the man "Ralph" unless you want to tell your friends back at home where ever you live that you got your ass kicked by Ben Franklin.

So what does that have to do with the pool(poop!)? Nothing! I just love that I can force you to read whatever I want. Which reminds me, have I ever told you about Lyndon LaRouche? You really should know about how the government taints the cheese supply with [***edited by blogger********************************************************************************************************]
You'd never think goats could hide huge bags of cocaine there, but apparently they can. Anyway, a little bit off track there, sorry.

TO THE POOL(poop!)!

If you read the updates I post every Monday (GEORGE!) you might recall yesterday I stated in plain English that Bill would win this week's WSP. Well, it has so come to pass! And it's the only damn thing I've predicted correctly this week...

Bil and Joey are the leaders this week with 11 wins, so it comes down to both of them. But because Joey did a triathlon before sending in his picks this week (seriously), he was a bit out of it and forgot to include his Monday Night Points. He did remember to send them in eventually, but sadly for him, it was too late. Sorry, Joey. Congrats on the triathlon, though. Although even if the points hadn't been late Joey would have been over anyway. All of this means...


Bill wins an official Snakes On A Plane coloring book featuring many black and white images of Samuel L. Jackson swearing at large reptiles! Perfect for the little ones!

No, sadly, Bill wins the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) of $70, which he'll surely spend on Bud. Bill, buy some decent beer, eh?

Here are the final standings for Week 7:

1. Bill Denton ... 11-2
1. Joey Bansen ... 11-2
3. Alex Mena ... 10-3
3. Sandy Kory ... 10-3
3. Jon Stover ... 10-3
3. Dave Labowitz ... 10-3
3. Josh Money ... 10-3
3. John Weaver ... 10-3
3. Karl Vaillancourt ... 10-3
3. Dan Sinclair ... 10-3
3. George Smith ... 10-3
3. Zack Klein ... 10-3
13. Gedeon Mariam ... 9-4
13. Matthew Mariam ... 9-4
13. Adam Roy ... 9-4
13. Matthew Kory ... 9-4

All of which leaves the Current Overall Standings (COS) looking thusly:

1. Gedeon Mariam ... 74-29
1. Joey Bansen ... 74-29
1. Bill Denton ... 74-29
4. John Weaver ... 73-30
5. Jon Stover ... 71-32
5. Dan Sinclair ... 71-32
5. Dave Labowitz ... 71-32
8. Adam Roy ... 69 (huh huh huh)-34
8. George Smith ... 69-34
8. Josh Money ... 69-34
11. Karl Vaillancourt ... 68-35
12. Alex Mena ... 66-37
13. Zack Klein ... 64-39
13. Sandy Kory ... 64-39
13. Matthew Mariam ... 64-39
16. Matthew Kory ... 60-43

When you finish last every week it stands to reason you'd be last over all.

Lastly, I had a request last night to include a statistical breakdown of the winners so far. I don't have time to do it now, but I'll try to put it up before the week is out, so check back and hopefully I'll get to it.

The schedule for Week 8 will be up shortly. Have a great week, folks.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Week 7: Update: Don't Worry, I Still Suck

Last night I spoke with pool(poop!) participant Bill Denton on the phone. We had a nice gentlemanly conversation wherein he accused me of having sex with furniture and I countered by claiming that it was consensual. (It wasn't! Shhhh!)

Of course we also discussed the pool(poop!)! and the fact that Bill is one of the people who is in the running for the WSP this week. I claimed that he was a shoe-in to win this week for reasons I'll get to. Bill claimed that even if it seemed so, his typically abominable luck would do him in. Ever known someone who could get hit with a piano while standing in the middle of a cornfield? Bill's your man. Will Bill's luck hold out, or will the WSP slip through his chicken-stained (?) fingers yet again? Tune in right now to find out!!

To the update!

There was consensus on many games this week. Everyone picked the Charges, Patriots, Colts, and Jets to win. Only one person picked against the Saints, Texans, and Packers. So there's a lot of parity this week.

Heck, even yours truly is 8-4, which gives you the lower bounds of performance this week. The upper bound is ten wins, which four people have. We'll get to the weekly standings tomorrow, but for now things look like this:

10 Wins: Bill Denton, Joey Bansen, Alex Mena, and Sandy Kory
Picked Philly to win tonight: Bill & Joey
Picked Washington to win tonight and should see a doctor immediately: Sandy & Alex

If Philly wins tonight, Bill wins the pool because Joey did not send in his Monday Night Points on time. Sorry Joey. I wish I could accept the points, but it just ain't fair to the other kids.

If Washington wins tonight, well, I'll shit a brick. Then I'll put on my "Brad Johnson" jersey, the one with the duct tape over "Johnson" on the back, and run around my neighborhood until I'm beaten within inches of my life, or for a minute, which ever happens first. But if a whole in the earth swallows the Eagles and the Redskins win, then the total point breakdown looks thusly:

Sandy: 30 points
Alex: 31 points

So, if DC wins tonight and if the total score is 0-30, Sandy will win the WSP. If DC wins and the total score is 31 or above, Alex will win.

But neither of you peeps has a chance cause there isn't a chance in hell that the Redskins... HEY!! WATCH OUT!!! PIANO!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!

Back tomorrow with the final standings for the week, the Current Overall Standings (COS) and a bunch of other garbage you'll probably just skip over.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Schedule: Week 7

Here is the schedule for Week 7. It begins at 1pm EST on Sunday, October 25th, so I'll need all of your picks by then.

Indianapolis at St. Louis
New England at Tampa Bay
Green Bay at Cleveland
Minnesota at Pittsburgh
San Francisco at Houston
San Diego at Kansas City
Buffalo at Carolina
New York Jets at Oakland
Atlanta at Dallas
New Orleans at Miami
Chicago at Cincinnati
Arizona at New York "PB&J" Giants
Philadelphia at Washington (plus total points)

Week 6: Results

Wow I suck.

And how bout them Phillies last night?

So, the pool(poop!), huh? Yeah, I'm mired in last place. I can't pick a game to save my life. I could guarantee a win and probably I'd be killed. Oh, you don't care? Only want to hear about yourself?


So, you may recall from my Update yesterday that if Denver won, a virtual certainty considering I picked San Diego, the WSP would come down to MNP (shocker) which went something like this:

If the total score is 37 or below, Dave Labowitz wins
Bill Denton has no chance in hell
If the total score is 41 or over, Joey Bansen wins

Denver won (duh) and the total score added up to 57 points, which is larger than a breadbox and more than 41, so Joey Bansen is this week's winner!

This week's prize is an all expenses paid trip to Joey Bansen's apartment! Stay in Joey's bed, eat Joey's food, drink all of Joey's beer and puke in Joey's toilet! Inappropriately touch Joey's dog Mr. Bojangles, and wake in the night to mistakenly urinate in Joey's closet! Oh the fun you'll have. (Offer not valid if you already live there.)

Alright, fine, that's not the prize. Its the normal everyday run-of-the-mill, seen one ya seen 'em all WSP. Enjoy, and congrats.

Joey now ties Gedeon Mariam for the lead in total money with $140.

A couple interesting points about Week 6:

  • The Call of The Week goes to Adam for picking (possibly mistakenly) Oakland to beat Philly
  • The only game that everyone missed was Buffalo beating the Jets.

Here's the final standings for Week 6:

1. Joey "First Place" Bansen ... 10-4
1. Bill "No Chance In Hell" Denton ... 10-4
1. Dave "Hymietown" Labowitz ... 10-4
4. John "Hold On To Your Red Snapper" Weaver ... 9-5
4. Dan Sinclair ... 9-5
4. Sandy "Sent In His Picks!!! [balloons fall from ceiling]" Kory .. 9-5
7. George "Drink'n Me Under The Table" Smith ... 8-6
7. Gedeon "Fall'n Like A Rock Off A Cliff" Mariam ... 8-6
7. Jon "And Associates" Stover ... 8-6
7. Josh Money ... 8-6
11. Karl "King Of Wilmington" Vaillancourt ... 7-7
11. Adam "Too... Much... Coffee... Must... Find... Toilet... Soon..." Roy ... 7-7
11. Matthew "Flipped A Coin" Mariam ... 7-7
14. Zack "Kindly Keep'n Me Company" Klein
14. Alex "Should Make A Film Out Of This" Mena
14. Matthew "What? No prize for last place?" Kory

And the Current Overall Standings (COS) without semi-clever nicknames:

1. Gedeon Mariam ... 65-25
2. Joey Bansen ... 63-27
2. John Weaver ... 63-27
2. Bill Denton ... 63-27
5. Jon Stover ... 61-29
5. Dave Labowitz ... 61-29
5. Dan Sinclair ... 61-29
8. Adam Roy ... 60-30
9. Josh Money ... 59-31
9. George Smith ... 59-31
11. Karl Vaillancourt ... 58-32
12. Alex Mena ... 56-34
13. Matthew Mariam ... 55-35
14. Zack Klein ... 54-36
14. Sandy Kory ... 54-36
16. Me ... *sigh* ... 51-39

So, congratulations again to Joey, and hope everyone has an enjoyable week. FU!

Week 7's schedule to come.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Week 6: Update

Happy f'n Monday to ya. This week I hope we all learned a valuable lesson: never ever ever ever ever pick the Washington Redskins to win a football game. Never never never ever. This is your brain, this is your brain after picking the Washington Redskins to win a football game. Any questions?

To the pool(poop!)!

Because Alex Mena and I both totally blow, we decided to team up this week. That's right folks, we've got you out numbered. Between my six wins and his five, we've got 11 which is four more than anyone else has. Yay! We win! We kicked y'all's arse!

... Wait... I'm hearing I can't do that. Damn! I don't remember making up that rule... well poop.

You'll find that this week's update is entirely different and far more confusing than last week when we were all taken out to the woodshed by John Weaver. That is proverbially speaking of course, as John is a good and decent citizen of this country who would never, ever take anything out to the woodshed. Except wood. And that guy who said that thing in high school. And that hot chick. But that was purely consensual. His lawyers swear.

This week we've got three people with nine wins so far. But, those peeps, Bill Denton, Joey Bansen, and Dave "Dollars" Labowitz, all picked Denver to win tonight. If Denver wins, it'll come down to those three peeps, but if not, Gedeon Mariam, George Smith, and Josh Money will all be there to pick up the slack. All of them have eight wins and picked San Diego to win tonight. (Full disclosure: I also picked San Diego to win so San Diego has no chance to win.)

So here's the duel break down. Prepare yourself for some serious breaking down... well that didn't come out right. Moving on.

If Denver wins, the point break down is as follows:

Dave - 35 - wins if total score is 37 or below
Bill - 38 - wins if total score is exactly 38, 39, or 40 (you're f'd Bill)
Joey - 41 - wins if total score is 41 or over

Remember folks, you can still win the pool if you lose the Monday Night game. So, if San Diego wins (won't happen) we've got six people in the running. Here's the point break down:

Dave - 35 - wins if total is between 0 and 37
Bill - 38 - never wins no matter what. if points total 38, 39, or 40, splits WSP with Josh.
Josh - 38 - see "Bill"
Joey - 41 - never wins no matter what. if points are between 41 and 55, splits WSP with George.
George - 41 - see "Joey"
Gedeon - 56 - if points total 56 or more, wins again, buys expensive house in the Hamptons, employs half the state as butlers.

You people are some seriously uncreative point pickers.* I tried to come up with a second tie-breaker, but nooooooooooooooooooooo idontwantitidontwantitnonononononononitsnotfairitsnotfairjonstovereatspoopjonstovereatspoopwaaaahhhhh!!!!

Good luck, happy Monday, and I'll be back tomorrow with the Week 6 results and the schedule for Week 7.
*I, also, picked 41.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Week 6: Schedule

Week 6 begins this Sunday, at 1pm EST so, of course, I'll need your picks by then. Here's the schedule:

Houston at Cincinnati
Detroit at Green Bay
St. Louis at Jacksonville
Baltimore at Minnesota
NY "Metrosexual" Giants at New Orleans
Cleveland at Pittsburgh
Carolina at Tampa Bay
Kansas City at Washington
Philadelphia at Oakland
Arizona at Seattle
Tennessee at New England
Buffalo at NY Jets
Chicago at Atlanta
Denver at San Diego (total points)

Week 5: Results

Week 5 is in the books, and as I said yesterday, we all got thoroughly dominated by one man. Who is that (masked? pantless?) man?

I'm going to make you wait a few more seconds for the answer. First a note. Last week my brother failed to send in his picks. That's always been a tough thing for me to handle. You want to balance kindness - sometimes for whatever reason it's hard to get your picks in on time - to the individual with understanding for the others in the pool(poop!) who did send their picks in on time. The thing is though, $125 is real money. It's not thousands of dollars, and most of us come out only a few dollars up or down over the course of the year, but I don't pretend that it isn't important.

So, when someone is late with their picks or doesn't send them in at all, I've tried a bunch of different tactics to penalize them without ruining their whole season in one foul swoop. One year I tried automatically giving that person the favorites. And one person actually won a week that way, which made me re-think that rule, as well as spawning the "you can't win a week if you don't turn in your picks" rule. One year I tried just giving the home teams automatically. But again, depending on the week by not turning in your picks you can end up with a better record than someone who didt turn in their picks. Not fair, says I.

Which, two paragraphs in, brings me to my point. This year I've been giving the worst record accumulated that week to people who fail to get their picks in on time. Last week my brother forgot to send in his picks. But the worst record was 9-5, so my brother got a 9-5 record. Whew, he dodged a bullet there. Better get your head out of your butt and recognize.

So, this week, again, my brother didn't turn in his picks. He called just after wards to apologize, but it was too late. So this time I didn't want to leave it up to chance. He gots ta pay. So I took it upon myself to make sure he got a much worse record this week.

This all by way of saying when you are looking at the weekly standings and you see me at the very bottom, you can know that I did it for you. For you. For you...

So, to this week's Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) winner... John Weaver! You win a red snapper!

OK, Weaver, listen carefully! You can hold on to your red snapper, or you can go for whats in the box that Hiro-san is bringing down the isle right now!

Uh... I'll take whats in the box! I'll take the box!

You'll take the box... OK, now let's see what's in the box...[top of box is removed]... Nothing! Nothing! Absolutely nothing! ... STUPID! YOU SO STUPID!!!

Final standings for Week 5:

1. John Weaver ... 11-3
2. Jon Stover ... 10-4 (How's that Tennessee pick looking now, Jon? You'd have won by MNP.)
2. Joey Bansen ... 10-4
2. Dan Sinclair ... 10-4
5. Karl Vaillancourt ... 9-5
5. Josh Money ... 9-5
5. Bill Denton ... 9-5
5. Matthew Mariam ... 9-5
5. Dave Labowitz ... 9-5
5. Adam Roy ... 9-5 (Last week you bet on the Redskins, huh?)
5. Gedeon Mariam ... 9-5
5. George Smith ... 9-5
13. Alex Mena ... 8-6
14. Zack Klein ... 7-7
15. Sandy Kory ... 6-8
15. Matt Kory ... 6-8 (You're welcome)

Current Overall Standings (COS):

1. Gedeon Mariam ... 57-19
2. John Weaver ... 54-22
3. Adam Roy ... 53-23
3. Jon Stover ... 53-23
3. Joey Bansen ... 53-23
3. Bill Denton ... 53-23
7. Dan Sinclair ... 52-24
8. George Smith ... 51-25
8. Karl Vaillancourt ... 51-25
8. Josh Money ... 51-25
8. Dave Labowitz ... 51-25
12. Alex Mena ... 50-26
13. Zack Klein ... 48-28
13. Matthew Mariam ... 48-28
15. Sandy Kory ... 45-31
15. Matt Kory ... 45-31 (Don't come down to my hood and try pushin. I'll make you taste tha pain, son.)

Week 6 will begin at 1pm EST this Sunday afternoon. Have a great week, peeps, and congratulations to John Weaver. Week 6 schedule up shortly...

Monday, October 12, 2009

Week 5: Update: Now with More Numbers!

So I was going through the picks and I came across someone who picked St. Louis to beat Minnesota. To quote a great American, what an ultra maroon! I mean, really, are you just trying to lose? Does finishing in last place sound like fun? Seriously, what kind of idiot... ...what? It was me? Oh, right. Shit.

All you f'ers don't have a shot at last place. It's mine, you hear me? Mine! Get back in there! Down down down! Go go go! Mine mine mine! You can't compete with stupidity like... enough? OK, moving on.

We'll get to the pool update in a minute, but I thought it might be interesting to hear how everyone picked this week's games. Let me know in the comments section if you find crap like this interesting and maybe I'll keep doing it (bolded = winner).

100% Correct (Nobody picked these games incorrectly (even me))
*Pittsburgh at Detroit
*Dallas at Kansas City
*Oakland at NY "Titillating" Giants
*Tampa at Philadelphia

93% Correct (Only one idiot blew this one... guess who)
*Minnesota at St. Louis

87% Correct (You're trying too hard if you missed either of these)
*Washington at Carolina
*Indianapolis at Tennessee

73% Correct
*Houston at Arizona

60% Correct
Atlanta at San Francisco

47% Correct
Jacksonville at Seattle

27% Correct
New England at Denver

7% Correct (If you got this one, you're an rocket f'n scientist)
*Cincinnati at Baltimore

0% Correct (Not one of us houseplants got this one right)
*Cleveland at Buffalo

Usually in the weekly update I tell you that eight people are tied and it's going to come down to Monday Night Points (MNP). No such excitement this week, folks. Nope, we've already got a winner and ain't none of you is gonna catch him.

Who is he? Who is this masked man who swoops in before the Monday Night Game, steals the WSP, makes out with your wife, kisses your cat on the lips, leaves the orange juice open on the counter after drinking out of the container, and then busts through the window on his way out even though the door works perfectly well?

Tune in tomorrow to find out...

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Week 5: Schedule

Here is the schedule for Week 5. Remember, I need all your picks by 1pm EST this Sunday, otherwise yr royally F'd.

Pittsburgh at Detroit
Washington at Carolina
Cleveland at Buffalo
Cincinnati at Baltimore
Dallas at Kansas City
Oakland at NY "Love to Love" Giants
Tampa at Philadelphia
Minnesota at St. Louis
Atlanta at San Francisco
Houston at Arizona
New England at Denver
Jacksonville at Seattle
Indianapolis at Tennessee
NY Jets at Miami (plus total points)

Have a great week.

Week 4: Results

Another week in the books, folks. As they say over at ye olde anal farm, "Ewww... no WAY I'm cleaning that up."

It was an action packed Monday Night game as we had five people vying for the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP). The action turned on lots of exciting plays. Like that time the Vikings guy had the ball and he scored. Whoo! Or that time the other guy had the ball and he did that thing and then he went to the place. Amazing! If I hadn't been sleeping at the time I could probably provide more details, but no matter. I awoke certain that the Packers had won and I had won my first week. Alas, no. Have I mentioned I suck in other areas of life as well?

But back to the pool(poop!). This week did turn out to be momentous in the long and storied history of MTAFP(p!), which was actually started by George Washington in 1803, four years after his death. (In his defense, being dead is probably pretty boring.) It was the very first time in over 200 years of football pools (the first ~125 years of which featured no actual football) that there was a tie.

Yes, a tie. Even the NHL abolished ties a few years back, I know, and honestly I tried to come up with other tie-breakers, but neither participant would submit to the naked full-body cavity searches necessary. So, a tie is what we've got. Which means that Josh Money and Adam Roy will split a WSP, which actually makes it Half A Weekly Standard Prize (HAWSP).

Unfortunately, this week's winner receives a blowjob from Haroldette, the she-male. I have no idea how you two are going to split this one up. Have fun though.

But on the bright side, peeps, at least Gedeon Mariam didn't win, eh?

Here are the final standings for Week 4:

1. Adam Roy...12-2
1. Josh Money...12-2
1. Bill Denton...12-2
1. Gedeon Mariam...12-2 (Ha ha! You didn't win, Gedeon! HA HA YOU SUCK!!)
5. DAMMIT!!!...11-3
5. Dave Labowitz...11-3
5. John Weaver...11-3
5. Karl Vaillancourt...11-3
5. Alex Mena...11-3
5. Joey Bansen...11-3
5. Jon Stover...11-3
12. Zack Klein...10-4
12. Dan Sinclair...10-4
14. George Smith...9-5
14. Matthew Mariam...9-5
14. Sandy Kory...9-5

And the Current Overall Standings (COS):

1. Gedeon Mariam ... 48-14 (For the record, that's a 77% winning percentage, 12% higher than last pool's winner. The kids call it "kicking ass".)
2. Adam Roy ... 44-18
2. Bill Denton ... 44-18
4. John Weaver ... 43-19
4. Joey Bansen ... 43-19
4. Jon Stover ... 43-19
7. Alex Mena ... 42-20
7. Josh Money ... 42-20
7. Karl Vaillancourt ... 42-20
7. George Smith ... 42-20
7. Dan Sinclair ... 42-20
7. Dave Labowitz ... 42-20
13. Zack Klein ... 41-21
14. Matthew Mariam ... 39-23
14. Sandy Kory ... 39-23
14. MEDAMMIT ... 39-23 (The kids call this "getting your ass kicked".)

Week 5 will begin at the normal time, 1PM EST this Sunday. Don't forget, peeps, I need all of your picks in by that time to be eligible for the WSP. If your picks are late, you're going to automatically get the worst record posted that week. So, don't forget. Put a reminder in your iPhone, your BlackBerry, or what ever you use to remind yourself of things. I don't mean to be a dick about it, but there is real money at stake here, and the vast majority of it isn't mine.

Week 5 schedule to come. Have a great week, and congrats to Adam and Josh.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Week 4: Update

Several items to discuss here.


2) Jon Stover would want me to also point out that HOLY CRAP THE BILLS SUCK!! (You're welcome, Jon.)

3) Lots of wins. With lots of favorites pulling it out, we had lots of wins for everyone this week. Yay. You should all feel super proud of yourselves. Except for my brother, who should be ashamed - ASHAMED - about what he did to that... well, lets just say it involved a chipmunk, a bowl of Cherry Garcia ice cream, and a cheap comedic devise.

So, the pool(poop!).

As of now, before the Monday Night game, there are five players tied with 11 wins. Four of those players picked Minnesota to win. Which means, if Minnesota wins, MONDAY NIGHT POINTS(MNP)!! The MNP distribution is definitely an odd one, as you shall see in a moment. If Minnesota wins, and the total score of the game is...

...between 0-42, Gedeon Mariam, who picked 42, will win
...43 or 44, Bill Denton, who picked 43, will win
...and if the score is 45 or above, Adam Roy and Josh Money will split the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) because both of them chose the same total points of 45 and I'm not making up a new tie-breaker.

Of course, all of that can be avoided if Green Bay wins, which will give the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) to...




[keep scrolling]


alright, fine.

... [psych!]

ME! That's right me, your friendly neighborhood bottom-of-the-pool(poop!)-dweller. So, in other words, don't worry about it because Minnesota will win.