Friday, September 29, 2006


Week 4: Another Morning at the Doot Factory

Despite the fact that it has long been ejected from the ranks of timely issues by the ever-evolving saga of T. Eldorado Owens, I would like to take a moment to address one Alex Rodriguez (aka “Slappy McBluelips”).

The watershed cover story by Tom Verducci in last week’s Sports Illustrated stated that Jason Giambi (Fig. 1) recently took A-Job to task about his performance and incongruous demeanor. (Evidently Giambi is one of a small handful of Yankees who even so much as speak to A-Job.) A-Job apparently took his typical pablum-puking tack in response, downplaying his recent slump and being entirely too nonconfrontational, especially in light of the fact that he is an American (?) male (?) professional athlete.

A-Job most likely made a mental note to discuss this interpersonal mini-crisis with his therapist, but it should have been addressed more like this:

GIAMBI: Hey man, this team really needs you to come up with some big hits. Stick with it, man, and if there’s anything I can do to help you, let me know, alright?

A-ROD: Hey, last I checked, you was a steroid cheat, and I don’t see no ma’fuckin’ rings on yo’ fingaz, BEYOTCH. So raise up offa my bid-nasss.

Alas, didn’t happen; won’t ever happen. So in lieu, what I’m hoping for is this:

The Yankees coast into the playoffs and muddle through a Division Series victory against the Wild-Card Tigers with no help whatsoever from A-Rod. However, the public is too busy wondering how in the bloody hell the Tigers made it to the postseason with Neifi Perez batting leadoff, Justin Verlander pitching like Joe Cowley, and the team hacking wildly at 57-foot sliders to the tune of 10 Ks a game that the spotlight doesn’t train too strongly on A-Rod. Yet.

In the ALCS versus the Twins, the Yankees struggle for dear life, needing seven games and several acts of God to survive. (Not to mention Jeffrey Maier, Jr. – boy, do I feel old!) A-Rod doesn’t have a single RBI in the entire series and the press and fans’ restlessness is straining the confines of the proverbial chart. (Or “meat hook” if you’re Stu Scott. BOO-YAH!)

This, friends, is where it shall get truly magical. In a World Series widely viewed as a cakewalk before it even commenced, the Yankees struggle to put away their seemingly overmatched opponents, the Los Angeles Dodgers. A-Job strands runner after runner and, as the glare of the public and press grows more intense by the minute, Joe Torre sticks with his embattled third baseman, knowing that only a single clutch hit will turn the tide of public opinion. That hit, however, just does not come. Through six games, A-Rod has but a single hit, nary an RBI, and has stranded a staggering 236 runners on base.

In Game 7, despite an absolute maelstrom of public outcry demanding that A-Job be stapled to the bench and left for dead, Torre again sends him out to start. With A-Rod 0-for-4 with three strikeouts, the Yankees somehow win the World Championship in extra innings.

However, despite all the engrossing strategy and thrilling nuance of a closely contested World Series, all Joe Buck and Tim McCarver can talk about are A-Rod’s shortcomings. And when the Yankees players and coaches flood the field after their walk-off victory, the cameras are steadily trained on A-Rod’s quivering blue lips and his eyes welling with tears, completely overshadowing the team’s world championship.

Even without the nonsensical ramblings of Buck and McCarver, it is plainly apparent that the Yankees have won the World Series plainly despite the performance of Alex Rodriguez. And likewise, it completely eclipses the team’s success throughout the offseason.

In short, this will be the greatest theatre in baseball history.

And now we fast-forward to opening day of the 2007 season, and Citizens Bank Park public address announcer Dan Baker:

“Batting third, at third base, Aaaaaaalex Rodrigueeeeeeezzz!”


Now, as I am completely spent, I am completely half-assing my football picks. If you tuned in for comedy, I suggest scrolling down and checking out Kid Matty’s compelling photo essay and complementary PhotoShop hack job on Stu Scott. I wholly endorse this product or service.

Arizona at Atlanta
-Fuck Kurt Warner. And fuck Jesus.
Pick: Atlanta

Dallas at Tennessee
-Jeff Fisher should kick Kerry Collins in the balls. If that doesn’t work, time to start Vince Young.
Pick: Dallas

Indianapolis at NY Jets
-Eric Mangini reminds Peyton Manning of Bill Belichick. Peyton will make a mess in his pants but rally to give his team a victory.
Pick: Indianapolis. But they won’t cover.

Miami at Houston
-The Match Game Bowl: “Both these teams are soooo bad…. HOW BAD ARE THEY!??”
-Wes Welker: New Fantasy Stud.
Pick: Miami

Minnesota at Buffalo
-The clash of the titans: Brad Johnson’s physical limitations versus J.P. Losman’s mental limitations.
Pick: Minnesota

New Orleans at Carolina
-Matty may be America’s foremost comic genius, but he once referred with impunity to New Orleans as a “river of vomit and turds.” Clearly, he hates us for our freedom.
Pick: Carolina (Monday night hangover in play here)

San Diego at Baltimore
-Even if the Chargers lose, they still live in San Diego. Even if the Ravens win, they still live in Baltimore.
Pick: San Diego

San Francisco at Kansas City
-From the “I Got To See It In Person” file: How can a 310-pound defensive lineman run for a 98-yard touchdown? When the other team’s two fastest players both get injured simultaneously on the play.
-Arrowhead Stadium retractable roof proposal referendum was defeated, but coming soon to a ballot near you is an new initiative to install a blackout curtain separating the crowd from the playing field.
Pick: San Francisco

Detroit at St Louis
-What are the odds that a Detroit coach would drop his pants in public and it wouldn’t be Mike Martz?
-What are the odds that neither Matty nor I could get through one week without making reference to this?
Pick: St. Louis

Cleveland at Oakland
-Net effect of the Raiders coming off a bye week: the accumulation of two weeks’ worth of stale, stupid ideas.
-Game plan for Raiders first-time starting QB Andrew Walter: take the snap and drop back through the tunnel into the parking lot.
Pick: Cleveland

Jacksonville at Washington
-Last week Red$kins QB Mark Brunell set an NFL record for consecutive passes by way of a little-known NFL rule: he completed 22 straight passes from his left hand to his right hand.
Pick: Jacksonville

New England at Cincinnati
-Think of Bill Belichick right now as Steve Spurrier when he first came into the NFL: he’s obviously crazy, but he’s just smart enough that you can’t take his team for granted. (But they still stink.)
-Pick: Cincinnati

Seattle at Chicago
-Little-known fact about new Seahawks starting RB Maurice Morris: in Australia his name is pronounced “Morris Morris.”
-Former Eagles coach chokes on Seahawks’ left offensive guard. Film at eleven…
Pick: Chicago

Green Bay at Philadelphia
-In light of Eagles secondary injuries: Where’s Izel Jenkins when you need him?
-Newest method of Andy Reid to emulate Patriots’ championship methods: blatantly lie about injuries on a weekly basis.
-In a related story, Donte Stallworth was run over by a taxi, but he’s listed as questionable because Brian Westbrook’s leg was amputated grafted onto Stallworth’s body. You figure it out.
Pick: Dah Iggles, 28-17

Stay tuned next week for Jackie Martling’s Joke Hunt. Until then… AMF!

AROUND THE NFL WITH MATTY! Weak 4 (and yes I spelled that correctly)

See? Cheaters do win!

A hearty sub-cockle welcome to all of you, and welcome to this week’s exciting episode of Around The NFL With Matty (ATNFLWM!)!! This week, we are actually going to go around the NFL and discuss each team in depth. The ins and outs of each team will be dissected and the intestines will be left on the floor. Of that, you can be sure! So, lets get right to it! We’ll go alphabetically:

Atlanta Falcons: ATNFLWM is proud to provide you this scoop (seriously!): Michael Vick has come down with a rare form of puss-inducing..zzzz-snap-zzzz

We now interrupt this explanation of Michael Vick’s VD problems for this message from the Office of the Commissioner of the National Football League:

Hello! I’m Roger Goodell, and I’m the commissioner of the National Football League, and I want to personally welcome all of you to another terrific season of…hey! What are you doing under my desk?

Uhh… nothing, nothing at all.

I can’t believe you’re still here! I told you I’m running the show now! Can’t you get that through your thick monkey-skull?

Monkey-wha...? I just think we need to discuss this HGH thing a bit more than we have.

Naah, its not a problem. Its all good, just like Mobile ESPN.

That’s what I was afraid you’d say. I think you should take a look at something…


OH MY GOD! What is that THING?!?

Umm... right… I've been heading up a secret experiment over at the NFL Secret Bunker Lab (sponsored by Coors Rocky Mountain Refreshment!). We've identified an HGH compound we believe is in common use in the league.

That doesn't explain that monstrosity...[points]


Oh, right. We locked Stuart Scott in a padded room with only a mirror and a supply of Luna bars pumped to the brim with HGH. And, well, this is the result.


I don't really see why that was necessary... but, maybe this is a bigger issue than I though. How long has he been in there? Ten, twelve weeks?

Ten minutes.

BOO YAH!!! [drools]


And now its time to pick the games until they scab and bleed! But first, ATNFLWM is brought to you by:

Turd Burglers! The new film starring Rob Schneider! What would happen if an ordinary business man was, through a freak accident, suddenly turned into a turd! And then stolen by some mafia guys! Hilarity will ensue, thats what! Come see Turd Burglers, starring Rob Schneider!

and by:

New T.O. Brand Asprin. The brand that will get people talking!
Person 1: Hey! Whats that?
Person 2: I need a new contract. [falls over]

And now its time to pick the games until they scab and bleed! But first, in deference to the Man, all picks were tested by being injected into the eyes of baby seals.

Arizona at Atlanta
-Theres only one thing that can stop Michael Vick and his sub-50% completion percentage: Michael Vick and his sub-30% completion percentage! Go Falcs!
-In show of solidarity toward their quarterback, entire Cardinals team plans to simultaneously fumble.
Pick: Atlanta

Dallas at Tennessee
Pick: Dallas

Indianapolis at NY Jets
-Has anyone seen the commercial where Peyton Manning comes out of a football at midfield like an alien coming out of an egg (or something)? What the F is up with that S?
Pick: Indy

Miami at Houston
-At over 260 lbs., Dante Culpepper apparently a larger joke than I thought.
-Last week I watched the Redskins/Houston game, and wow, are the Texans bad. Seriously, they're terrible. I'm not sure if they're better than the Raiders or not, but they'd give them a run for their crapiness.
Pick: Miami

Minnesota at Buffalo
-JP Losman like OJ Simpson, minus talent and murders.
-Cleaning out my basement the other day I came across the remains of an old newspaper that had mostly decomposed into dirt. I did find a small bit that was readable, which contained the date, July 7, 1972. This makes it official: Brad Johnson is older than dirt.
Pick: Minnesota

New Orleans at Carolina
-Glad we solved that whole New Orleans thing.
-Panthers are team version of Eli Manning: they don't bother actually playing until the end.
Pick: Carolina

San Diego at Baltimore
-MFSAFP(p!)! Fearless Prediction #1: Steve McNair will tear something this week!
-Chargers head coach Marty Schottenheimer had a terrible dream last night. He dreamt he had won an NFL game, but was not wearing any pants. Thank God it was just a dream... or was it!
Pick: Baltimore

San Francisco at Kansas City
-With loss of Vernon Davis, 49ers down to only one talented player left, and unfortunately Steve Young is retired.
-If you know anyone who can play quarterback in the NFL, please call 1-800-KCC-HIEF immediately.
Pick: KC

Detroit at St Louis
-Matt Millen hatching devious and overly complicated plan to lose
-Did you know if you stare at Mike Martz long enough and relax your eyes, you'll see a sail boat?
Pick: St. Louis

Cleveland at Oakland
-Raiders might be only team in NFL history better off without a head coach.
-Originally it was thought that Cleveland Tight End Kellen Winslow, Jr. would be out this week after being hit by an asteroid. However, subsequent research revealed that it wasn't an asteroid at all, but a bowl of rice pudding launched by Romeo Crennel.
Pick: Cleveland

Jacksonville at Washington
-Jacksonville QB Byron Leftwich, who grew up in Washington DC, has spent the week regaling the media with stories about how he used to sneak into RFK to urinate. Like that makes him special or something. Who in DC hasn't done that?
-Crazy Clinton Portis' new character: Injury Man! Ha ha! Stop it, Clinton, my sides hurt! OWW! Hey, its working!
Pick: Jacksonville

New England at Cincinnati
-Game has been forfeited to New England, as entire Bengals team has been preemptively arrested.
-Tom Brady would like you to give his receivers back now, please. He doesn't think this is very funny.
Pick: Cincinnati

Seattle at Chicago
-Example of effectiveness of Chicago defense: Mike Holmgren went outside Chicago hotel with cup of coffee. He was about to take a sip, when Mike Brown came out of nowhere to bat it away.
Pick: Chicago

Green Bay at Philadelphia
-City of Philadelphia has new plan to eliminate excess waste: feed it to Andy Reid! Cause he's fat and he'll eat it!
-MFSAFP(p!)! Fearless Prediction #2: Brett Favre throws 5 interceptions this week!
-There has been a disappearance of prescription bottles in the Philadelphia area over the past 24 hours. Anyone who knows anything about this is urged to contact the Philadelphia area Police Department as soon as possible.
Pick: Points: 28

Next Week: I stick a can of coke up my ass and call it art. Stay tuned!

Wednesday, September 27, 2006


Week 4 is here (finally!) and with it a story more crazy than a Detroit Lions coach driving drunk and nude, more unbelievable than every Cincinnati Bengals player getting arrested for DUI (I'm pretty sure that has actually happened), and more insane than Mike "No, Kittah, thats MY meat helmet!" Martz.

On the off chance that any of you lives on planet Reptor, last night, well, I'll just let Bill "Man-bra" Parcells tell the story: Last night "The Player" took tons of "The Pills" from "The Bottle" and put them in "The Mouth" in attempt to cause "The Death."

Now, there are many many different jokes to be made about this. Sometimes they are even funny (in contrast to the one above). Here are only a small sampling:

1. T.O. is now T.O.D.
2. I didn't know T.O. cared that much about Byron Nelson.
3. There must be a way to blame this on Donovan McNabb.
4. This is T.O.s new and improved way of asking to renegotiate his contract.
5. The pills belonged to Michael Irvin.

Clearly there is much more where this came from, and you can expect more of this each week here at MFSAFP(p!)!.

Anyway, it is actually Week 4, and there are some actual football games to actually play this weekend. I, for one, can't wait:

Arizona at Atlanta
Dallas at Tennessee
Indianapolis at NY Jets
Miami at Houston
Minnesota at Buffalo
New Orleans at Carolina
San Diego at Baltimore
San Francisco at Kansas City
Detroit at St Louis
Cleveland at Oakland
Jacksonville at Washington
New England at Cincinnati
Seattle at Chicago
Green Bay at Philadelphia (+ total points)

The games begin on Sunday, so I'll take your picks up until 1pm EST on Sunday. As always, send your picks to And, in the words of a great American, "Hey Drew, you gonna finish those pills?"

Thank you and good night.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006


I now proclaim to you, brothers and sisters, that Coach "Joe" Gibbs is back! All ye who enter the NFC East shall cower in his presence! None can measure up to his stature! No man is his equal, forst he hath beaten a certain team from Texas who... wait a minute... what?... Seriously? Who the hell are the "Texans"?

Ok, so my Redskins got smoked most righteously by Dallas last week. But they did slightly redeem themselves this week, by returning from the land of the dead (Texas) as victors (that’s, people named 'Victor') over Houston, a city whose pro football team is only surpassed in crappiness by their air quality. In other NFL news the Eagles played yet another rotten opponent and won (get used to this, folks), the Giants played a good team and got smoked like reefer at Ricky Williams apartment, and the Cardinals, Browns and Bucs all spit the proverbial bit.

So, week 3 is now behind us, and I was right. No, not about the games. About those I was wrong (mostly), but I was right that week 3 would be a bear. A big blood-thirsty bear, with claws and teeth and stuff... RAWR!! The kind of bear that consistently occupies the top spot on the Colbert Report's weekly 'Threatdown' feature. Favorites went 8-6 this week, people, and that’s what we here at MFSAFP(p!)! call a difficult week.

So, with out further ado, lets get right to the Week 3 standings! (By the way, if anyone knows how to import a damn excel spreadsheet into blogger, let me know. It'll improve the look of the standings immeasurably.)

Andy Harris 10-4
Dave Labowitz 9-5
Jon Stover 9-5
Joey Bansen 8-6
Sandy Kory 8-6
Karl Vaillancourt 8-6
Matthew Kory 7-7
Matthew Mariam 7-7
Scott Rozsa 7-7
George Smith 7-7
Joshu Shih 7-7
Bill Denton 6-8
Zach Klein 6-8

That’s right! I finished tied for 4th! Hooray for me! Oh, and Andy Harris won. Whoo. So an official MFSAFP(p!)! Congratulations to Andy! You win an official Suri Cruise diaper bag autographed *ahem* by Suri herself! Actually, no, unfortunately you win the MFSAFP(p!)! Standard Weekly Prize (SWP) of $52. I recommend putting it all into oil stocks.

So, how does this affect the yearly standings? Well, here's your answer:

Joey Bansen 30-16
Jon Stover 30-16
Dave Labowitz 29-17
Andy Harris 29-17
Matthew Kory 29-17
Joshu Shih 29-17
Karl Vaillancourt 29-17
Bill Denton 28-18
Zach Klein 28-18
Sandy Kory 28-18
Scott Rozsa 27-19
Matthew Mariam 25-21
George Smith 25-21

Even after the brutal beating that was Week 3 we've got a two-way tie at the top, with only five games separating the field. So, again, congrats to Andy for his Week 3 victory, and good luck to all of you in This Week 4 of Our Lord, the NFL season. I'll be posting this week's games either later today or tomorrow. Till then!

Friday, September 22, 2006

Bill’s Week 3 Sendup: Rattling Some Sabres

Week 3: Get Thee To Thy Yak-Shaving (aka, I Told Ya Brady Quinn Would Start Tanking)

I was going to open this week’s missive with a li’l progress report on the NFC East, but Matty already did that at the conclusion of Week 2. However, his analysis called to mind a three-legged cat trying to bury turds on a frozen pond, so I’ll take a crack at it myself.

Salaried pundits and lesser bloviators such as myself deemed the NFC East to be the league’s best division top to bottom at the outset of the season, and that’s looking dubious at best at this point. It certainly looks like it’ll be competitive, but, in short, none of these teams are particularly good. I don’t believe there’s an 11-win colossus in the bunch.

Dallas, currently at 1-1, appeared to me to be the best team in the division before the season, and they still do. Their loss at Jacksonville prompted the usual hysteria among Cowboys fans, but it can basically be explained in brief thusly: Drew Bledsoe had a lousy game and Jacksonville is beyond legit. The 12-round TKO of the Steelers – in which the Jags, on both sides of the ball, lined up and shoved Pittsburgh around consistently – tells me they’re going to make quite a few QBs look the way they made Bledsoe look. (See: “turds, three-legged cat.”) Their offensive line can be exploited by a good defense, and Lactatin’ Bill Parcells’ unparalleled “grocery-buying” skills have led him to a first-round pick who is apparently such a dullard that he can’t even get onto the field, but beyond that they’re nearly solvent.

The New York Everybody Wang Chung Tonight Giants, also at 1-1, have looked alternately great and terrible, inspired and aimless. Honestly, I don’t think they’re quite as good as the Eagles, but after last week’s level-3 meltdown by the Eagles, I’m putting ‘em here. Their performance overall last week, taken separately from the actual results of the game, suggest that the Giants are going to get pummeled early and often. They have severe trouble pass-blocking, stopping the run, getting pressure on the quarterback, covering intermediate pass routes over the middle, covering deep pass patterns, kicking field goals, and keeping their fucking mouths shut when things aren’t going their way.

The Philadelphia Eagles, yet another 1-1 team, has certainly played well enough to be 2-0, but the problems that cropped up in that full-scale bridge collapse against the Giants may be even more severe than the nuts-and-bolts issues that plague the New York Liberty Cabbage Giants. In short, they had their opponent completely pistolwhipped and turning on itself and proceeded to commit an astounding series of mistakes that cost them the game – it wasn’t just one tremendous backfire like Carolina’s ill-advised special-teams lateral last week; rather, it was a systematic, almost scripted-looking collapse. (I kept expecting that Okie half-wit Jeremy Shockey to start waggling his pointed index finger around like Hulk Hogan.) Teams with personnel and schematic shortcomings can sometimes play over their heads and win big games; teams that don’t appear interested in paying the price to win… well, uh, they don’t win.

The Washington Redskins, at 0-2 and dropping like Chris Pontius’ pants, are shaping up to be the whipping boy no one expected would exist in this division. I loves me some Clinton Portis just as much as anyone, but his absence is being overestimated among the causes of Washington’s early-season failures. Portis’ absence is behind the following things (and possibly others) on Ye Olde List O’ Problems: (1) Mark Brunell looks positively cadaveric and the coaches don’t feel comfortable starting any other QB, and (2) without Shawn Springs, their cornerbacks can’t cover a godforsaken thing, which has absolutely crippled Gregg Williams’ ability to pressure opposing quarterbacks. (In short, dudes who was goin’ forwards last year is goin’ backwards this year.) Springs will be back in due time, and perhaps Todd Collins or Jason Campbell will get a shot at the QB spot and actually make, like, two or three decent throws a game, but they may be in too deep a hole by the time they can sort it all out.

Now, the quick-pickin’, fun-strummin’ Week 3 predictionicating!

I am the decider – I decide who will win these games.

Carolina at Tampa Bay
-John Gruden is hoping the Redskins’ coaching staff finally gives up on Mark Brunell and cuts him; he’ll be starting for the Bucs the following week.
-Gruden is aging at an unprecedented rate among people who are not heads of state, but is vowing to stay in shape so he’ll end up looking more like Joe Gibbs than Lactatin’ Bill Parcells (aka “The Cartoona”).
Pick: Carolina

Chicago at Minnesota
-Because no work is permitted to be done on Rosh Hashanah, I’m a little shaky on Rex Grossman this week. However, I’m not entirely clear on whether playing NFL football constitutes work, and Sandy Koufax has yet to return my calls.
Pick: Chicago

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
-Carson Palmer’s injured left knee was reconstructed with the Achilles tendon of Julie DeRossi, a 41-year-old organ donor from Houston who was killed when her car was hit at 117 mph by a drunken SUV driver, who is currently serving 5 years in prison. The rest of her body parts have been transplanted into Mark Brunell.
Pick: Cincinnati (short-week disadvantage, vol. I)

Green Bay at Detroit
-Think back to every great thing you have ever seen Brett Favre do. Okay, ready? Was he in a dome, clad in a white jersey, for ANY of them?
OK, now forget them. He sure as hell has.
-This week Matt Millen is gonna show his staff who wears the pants in the Detroit Lions organization: No one! (Waka waka waka!)
Pick: Detroit

Jacksonville at Indianapolis
-Man, how inebriated was Jimmy Smith during that sideline interview Monday night? He could barely keep his eyes open. I kept expecting him to say to Suzy Kolber, “I don’t care if the team is strugg-a-ling, Byron Leftwich is the slowest brotha I’ve ever seen.”
Pick: Indianapolis (short-week disadvantage, vol. II)

NY Jets at Buffalo
-Before this game, Ralph Wilson stadium is hosting a promotional appearance by Bills legend O.J. Simpson, who will be autographing butcher knives, “I'm Sorry I Killed Those White People, O.J. Simpson.”
Pick: Buffalo

Tennessee at Miami
-We’ve secretly replaced the Miami Dolphins with dark, rich Folgers Crystals. Let’s see if anyone notices…
Pick: Miami

Washington at Houston
-After this game, lobbying group for the deaf to drop lawsuit, publicly wish for blindness as well.
Pick: Houston

Baltimore at Cleveland
-Just to provide a visual companion to the Ravens’ game plans over the years, Brian Billick is going to have Ray Lewis haul him onto the sidelines in a rickshaw at the beginning of this game.
Pick: Baltimore

New York Pork Barrel Spending Giants at Seattle
-Why is it that when Eli Manning blindly throws off his back foot into double coverage and the ball is caught, he’s raved about as a gutsy playmaker, but when Jake Plummer does the same thing, he’s verbally throttled as careless?
Pick: New York The Bong-Rattling Bass Of Mel Schacher Giants

Philadelphia at San Francisco
-“Joselio Hanson” has become a household name, which is a bad thing on a nearly incomprehensible number of levels.
-Evidently the FOX telecast missed it, but my Philly insider has informed me that, coming out of a TV timeout late in the third quarter last week at Lincoln Financial Field, Chico Ruiz ran onto the field and stole home.
Pick: San Francisco

St Louis at Arizona
-Borderline illiterate Bill Mass (aka “The Butcher of Oxford”) last week called Larry Fitzgerald “the antithesis of everything you would want in a wide receiver.” No, Billy Boy, a thousand times no: either the word you’re looking for is “epitome” or the receiver you’re looking for is Antonio Bryant.
Pick: Arizona

Denver at New England
-I just figured out the reason for the discrepant media coverage between Eli Manning and Jake Plummer: Joe Buck isn’t calling the Broncos games.
Pick: New England

Atlanta at New Orleans
-It’s tough to bother with subplots when we’re looking at the first game in the Superdome since Katrina made landfall, but do your best to take note of the fact that the Falcons have resorted to running a high-school offense to minimize the noxious impact of Michael Vick’s quarterbacking.
Pick: Atlanta (31 pts.)

Bye week: Kansas City, Oakland, San Diego, Cowboys except for Soul Brother No. 81

Dave Fleming ripped it off of Don Russell, and now I’m ripping it off Dave Fleming: This column was written while drinking Two Rows Route 66 Amber, eating miniature corn dogs from the catering truck, and listening to the empty, unctuous bleatings of marketing executives with at least four different foreign accents.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006


So, we're up to week 3 already. After looking over these games I have a hunch that this week is going to separate the men from the boys a little bit. Or at least screw some people over. I for one have no idea who I'm going to pick for about 8 of these games. So, yeah, good luck.

Always send yr picks to, preferably by Saturday, though I will take picks up until Sunday 1pm EST. Remember to include your total points for the Monday Night game (which is the last game listed below). Some of you didn't include the points last week, and it makes it difficult to win the weekly standard prize without the points, eh.

Anyway, enough with the lecture. Heres this week's roster:

Carolina at Tampa Bay
Chicago at Minnesota
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
Green Bay at Detroit
Jacksonville at Indianapolis
NY Jets at Buffalo
Tennessee at Miami
Washington at Houston
Baltimore at Cleveland
NY Giants at Seattle
Philadelphia at San Francisco
St Louis at Arizona
Denver at New England
Atlanta at New Orleans

Good luck!

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


Piss poor: Blogger isn't letting me upload any hilarious photos for some reason. [edit: and now it is. weird-ass blogger.] Anyway, a most generous how-de-do, gang. Week 2 of the fabulous NFL season is behind us, and that means only one thing: We have a winner!

But before I get into that I'd just like to mention what a massive train-wreck the NFC East has become, and no team moreso than my Washington Redskins. [Kindly see above photo.] But leaving their pee-wee league-ish ineptness aside for a moment, lets just take a quick look at the other three teams in that division if only because it'll make me feel better.

NY Bridezilla Giants (1-1): Apparently their defense is really good, unless you count all those pesky points they allow. Also their quarterback doesn't feel it necessary to, you know, play football, until the fourth quarter rolls around. I smell the over-clutch-icizing of a mediocre quarterback!

Philadelphia Egos (1-1): Their defense looked good for the first seven quarters of the season. Apparently nobody told them we play the full eight up here, gentleman. Also, they just lost possibly their best (known?) defender for the season with about twelve different types of knee strains. Hey, good luck with that.

Dallas Cowgirls (1-1): They have the most immobile object at quarterback since the invention of the object way back in 1612. (God forbid the Redskins blitz, by the way.) Fortunately they make up for this by having a head coach with breasts.

OK, enough of that. On to MFSAFP(p!)! The final standings for week 2 (pending any mistakes that I've made) are as follows:

Zach Klein (14-2)
Bill Denton (13-3)
Joshu Shih (13-3)
Matt Kory (12-4)
George Smith (12-4)
Joey Bansen (11-5)
Dave Labowitz (11-5)
Sandy Kory (11-5)
Jon Stover (11-5)
Andy Harris (10-6)
Scott Rozsa (10-6)
Karl Vaillancourt (10-6)
Matthew Mariam (9-7)

Congratulations, Zach! Your the big weiner this week! You win a 6 month subscription to Cat Fancy, and a set of partially consumed flavored syrups that I stole from IHop! Yeah! Actually, you win the MFSAFP(p!)! standard weekly prize (SWP) of $52. Don't spend it all in one place!

And now, the current yearly standings for MFSAFP(p!)!:

Joey Bansen 22-10
Bill Denton 22-10
Zach Klein 22-10
Matt Kory 22-10
Joshu Shih 22-10
Jon Stover 21-11
Karl Vaillancourt 21-11
Dave Labowitz 20-12
Sandy Kory 20-12
Scott Rozsa 20-12
Andy Harris 19-13
Matthew Mariam 18-14
George Smith 18-14

Thats right, its currently a five-way tie for first, with only a four game swing separating first from thirteenth place. This is one close race gentlemen.

Week 3 begins at 1pm (EST) on Sunday September 24th. Get me your picks by Saturday morning if possible. I'm going to be down in the DC area for the weekend, and I'd like to set everything up before I leave.

Again, congrats to Zach, and good luck to you all this coming week.

Saturday, September 16, 2006


Week 2: Grasping At Straws (With Which To Insert)

Welcome to Week 2 here at Around the NFL with Matty (ATNFLWM)! After witnessing both the Eagles systematic demolition of the Texans and my Redskins implosion against a surprisingly decent Minnesota team, I’m now fully into football-mode (Football-Mode copyright 2006, Schpeegle Industries, Chicago 60609). Football mode can be discerned in many different ways. One such way is this:

Matt’s Fiancé: What do you want for dinner, Matt?

Matt: I want Mark Brunell to stop being such a GOD DAMN PUSSY!!

Matt’s Fiancé: [walks away]

It doesn’t hurt that my Red Sox are almost as dead as the crocodile hunter. Interesting aside: The day after Steve “The Croc Hunter” Irwin died, I had the following exchange with a friend of mine:

Me: Hey Paul, what’s the difference between The Crocodile Hunter and the Raiders offense?
Paul: …oh, Jesus…
Me: Nothing! They’re exactly alike! Ha ha!
Paul: [walks away]

So I ask you, when exactly is it appropriate to begin to make jokes about a tragedy? I had been operating on the five-second rule, but recently someone told me that that rule only applies to food that has been dropped on the floor. Is it inappropriate to make fun of something that is admittedly unfortunate, yet not personal? It’s not like I knew the guy, and my friend didn’t know him either, but then TV does give us the false impression that we know people we’ve never met. By all accounts, Irwin was a nice guy who cared for nature a great deal (making his untimely death all the more ironic). However, nice people die every day, and most of them are not nearly as fortunate as Irwin was. What to do… I think I’m going to stick with the five-second rule.

So, my humor hasn’t been up to snuff recently, but that’ll surely change, as we move to Week 2, where I can falsely award the prize money to someone who didn’t actually win again! Yeah!

This week’s episode of ATNFLWM is brought to you by:

Mike Timlin Airways: Free one way trips, as long as your going over the wall.

And by:

Touch of Red: The leader in women’s panty coloring

And now to the picks! But first, remember these picks are for monkeys only. Any use of these picks by actual human beings could result in heart palpitations and oily stool.

Buffalo at Miami
• When oh when will women stop naming their babies Dick? Aren’t we past that as a society yet?
• If you need any weed or anything, Ricky Williams knows some people, yo.
Pick: Miami

Carolina at Minnesota
• John Fox has an answer for everything, except Brad Childress’ ‘stache.
• Steve Smith to be replaced in this week’s lineup by Wile E. Coyote. A large box of portable holes and dehydrated boulders labeled “Acme” near Smith’s locker tipped off the press.
Pick: Minnesota

Cleveland at Cincinnati
• Cleveland football fans named “greatest football fans” by Cleveland Football Fan magazine.
• ATNFLWM has obtained a secret document outlining Chad Johnson’s new NFL-approved touchdown celebrations. Here are a few of them:
o Johnson strips down to underwear and plays air guitar al-la Tom Cruise in Risky Business
o Johnson pulls football ‘out’ of ref’s ear
o Johnson runs back to line of scrimmage and re-runs his route again, but this time in slow motion, punctuating it by throwing the ball up in the air and catching it in the end zone.
Pick: Cincinnati

Detroit at Chicago
• I have seen the enemy and it is Matt Millen.
• In attempt to improve the self image of the Bears offense, coach Lovie Smith has mandated all offensive players have penile enlargement surgery.
Pick: Chicago

Houston at Indianapolis
• Wonder of wonders, Vol. 1: Texans didn’t play a bad first half of football against the Eagles last week
• Surprise, Surprise, Vol. 1: Texans played a lousy second half of football against the Eagles last week.
• Hey! Peyton Manning would like you to buy something!
Pick: Indianapolis

New Orleans at Green Bay
• City of New Orleans to apply for 2010 Underwater Olympics
• Unfortunately for us fans, the Packers are not scheduled to play the Raiders this season, a game that would surely rival the worst game in NFL history, where, in 1934 the Akron Blue Balls narrowly defeated the Scranton Asthmatics 1-0. The Blue Balls managed to score the only point of the game when Asthmatics quarterback, “Scrumptious” Sammy Dingleberry suffered a heart attack and died, falling backwards on the football, which became lodged in his rectum. At the time, by obscure rule, if the ball physically entered the body of a player and remained there for 32 seconds, the opposing team was awarded a single point.
Pick: New Orleans

NY “fecal mass” Giants at Philadelphia
• Eagles coach Andy Reid can eat my butt! And might!
• In order to fire team up for game, Giants head coach Tom Coughlin forcing entire team to come to his house for a muumuu party where they’ll eat soufflé, drink sweet tea, and watch Little Orphan Annie cartoons.
Pick: Philadelphia

Oakland at Baltimore
• “Nu-tin! You got nu-tin! You understand me? Nu-tin!” - Al Pachino on the Raiders offense.
• Ravens superbowl dreams to be dashed when it is revealed that Steve McNair’s contract calls for him to get injured in fourth week of the season.
Pick: Baltimore

Tampa Bay at Atlanta
• Amazing Michael Vick’s sub-50% completion percentage surely helping Falcons win.
• Disappointed Bucs to call it a season. “After last week, well, we just can’t… well, we’re done. Just done,” said an emotional Simeon Rice.
Pick: Atlanta

Arizona at Seattle
• Deion Branch unhappy with new contract signed yesterday, and is demanding a trade. “I’m not the same man I was yesterday,” said Branch. “We all change. I’m a different person than at 4:30 Thursday afternoon. I need more money.”
• Everything Cardinals offense is, Cardinals defense isn’t.
• As the kids say, Dennis Green can “bring the crazy.’
Pick: Seattle

St Louis at San Francisco
• 49ers championship hopes hinge on massive airplane crash wherein all 31 other NFL teams simultaneously collide into each other.
• Privately, some Rams miss former crazy head coach Mike Martz. Said Isaac Bruce, “I remember one time when Mike came into the locker room after a particularly tough loss. He had a cup of yellow Gatorade with him that he was sipping as he looked us over. Finally someone asked him why he was drinking Gatorade, and he said its not Gatorade, its baboon urine. I miss that man…”
Pick: St. Louis

Kansas City at Denver
• Danger! Danger! Mike Shanahan’s front teeth grow stronger by the day!
• Chief’s defense to taken away from “Gunther” Cunningham and given to “Great Googily Moogily” guy from Snickers commercial.
• Champ Baily now has his own cologne. The cologne is called “Baily.”
Pick: Denver

New England at NY Jets
• Jets coach Eric Mangini so concerned that Patriots will learn about his offense that he has sequestered them in a bunker deep in the Alps of southern Germany.
• Patriots coach Bill Belichick has a pullover sweatshirt with pasta-roni stains for every occasion.
Pick: New England

Tennessee at San Diego
• Titans coach Jeff Fischer unsure who to use as his starting quarterback. His choices are as follows:
o Spanky McGee
o President Abraham Lincoln
o Mr. Poon
o A muskrat named Filbert.
Pick: San Diego

Washington at Dallas
• Surprisingly, having Tom Cruise sitting next to him at FedEx Field last Monday night did not engender any positive comments about Redskins owner Dan Snyder.
• Snyder to use entire Redskins team to star in first movie from his new production company: Mission Impossible IV: Na ga ha pa!
• Dallas coach Bill Parcells has been receiving calls from small breasted women who want to know his secret.
Pick: Dallas

Pittsburgh at Jacksonville
• City of Jacksonville still unsure why the have an NFL team.
• Steelers Bill Cowher still on the proverbial fence about retirement. “On one hand I enjoy spewing spittle at NFL athletes,” said Cowher, “ but on the other hand I think I’d enjoy the challenge of spewing spittle on pee-wee leaguers.”
• Making a joke about Jacksonville is as difficult as making a joke about any little piss-ant town that nobody’s ever heard off. How do they have a team and Wichita Kansas doesn’t?
Pick: Pittsburgh (20 points)

Next week: I take up knitting! Stay tuned!


Week 2: Dolla Dolla Bill Y’All (aka Raider Urinalyses Test Positive for Doody)

After witnessing some legendary offensive ineptitude over the years as an Eagles fan, I was fully convinced that I would never see anything as inept as the 1986 Eagles offense, which featured exactly zero NFL-caliber offensive linemen. New “coach” Buddy Ryan would sign prospective players off the street and throw them into the starting lineup a matter of days later, and rarely would the same player start in the same position for consecutive weeks. The line coughed up an NFL-record 104 sacks, most of which were absorbed by a quarterback seemingly athletic enough to have avoided many more – Randall “He’s Back Scrambling for His Godforsaken Life” Cunningham.

Just a matter of weeks ago, I was telling someone or other that such a catastrophe could never happen again in the NFL. There’s too much money invested in making sound football decisions, I reasoned: scouting, drafting, and coaching are much more evolved, specialized, and monetarily compensated for than 20 years ago.

Or at least this is what I though before viewing the 2006 incarnation of the Oakland Raiders. I stand corrected, humbled, and utterly shocked.

Not only is this offense an abject train wreck, the train was packed to the gills with horseshit, and Monday night it plowed into the side of a mountain… A mountain of horseshit.

Just put me out of my misery, baby.

On every single offensive snap, San Diego’s defense came across the line in an absolute jailbreak and reached Aaron Brooks before he had even completed his drop. They didn’t even allow him a split-second to make a bad decision.

Hall of Fame offensive lineman and longtime offensive line coach Art Shell was powerless – or unwilling – to make any adjustments. Brooks kept taking seven-step drop after seven-step drop and getting buried on down after down.

It usually requires a preliminary round of “American Idol” auditions to prompt me to feel embarrassment on someone else’s behalf as they’re too bereft of awareness to feel it themselves. But as the flailing and carnage continued for the Raiders, both tragedy and comedy were left in their wake, leaving only painful vicarious embarrassment.

And it occurred to me: this is the worst display of offense I have ever seen in the NFL – and I survived The Bobby Hoying Era.

I still maintain that drafting, scouting, and coaching have progressed far beyond the space they occupied in 1986. However, apparently this does not apply to the Raiders. Even the 49ers and Jets – unquestioned bottom-feeders of the NFL – accounted for themselves well in Week 1. The Jets even managed a victory.

No, not everyone is good. But there’s too much at stake for most teams – but not all teams, as I’d thought – to be completely, brutally outclassed.

The Raiders, as they’ve so often been throughout their storied history, are in a class by themselves. But that doesn’t mean what it used to. And I’m predicting them to go 0-16 this season.

Start tanking, Brady Quinn.

Now let’s avail ourselves of the Week 2 picks, which are brought to you this week by… ah, I can’t find it. To hell with it!

Buffalo at Miami
-After years of excessive punting under Mike Mularkey – for example, they punted numerous times on 4th and short within the opponent’s 40 yard line – last week, the Bills, under Dick Jauron, went for it on 4th and 1 from their own 30-yard-line. The result: Failure. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.
Pick: Buffalo! Fortune favors the bold, beyotch!

Carolina at Minnesota
-As close to a nice thing as I’ll say about anyone: since John Fox has been coaching there, have you ever seen the Panthers underachieve in two games in a row? I’m pretty sure I haven’t.
-Steroids! Hookers! It’s the Panthers and Vikings… next on FOX!
Pick: Carolina

Cleveland at Cincinnati
-After watching Honey Buns Fraley get manhandled by the Saints’ mediocre defensive line, I’m thinking the Browns would have been better off with what they had beforehand: absolutely nothing.
-Bengals’ off-season rap sheet includes arrests for five players, but according to police documents obtained by Around the NFL With Billie M.F. Smalls, in all cases the arrested player was wearing pants.
Pick: Cincinnati

Detroit at Chicago
-Sign outside Notre Dame locker room: “Play Like a Champion Today.”
Sign outside Detroit Lions’ locker room: “Are You Wearing Pants?”
Pick: Chicago

Houston at Indianapolis
-Scant moments after Indianapolis’ first touchdown of this game, a stray piece of confetti will fall from the RCA Dome ceiling and alight on David Carr’s shoulder, causing him to crumple to the turf.
Pick: Indy.

New Orleans at Green Bay
-Only five weeks after Hurricane Katrina made landfall, Green Bay mercilessly ran up the score against the beleaguered Saints and beat them by nearly 50 points. It’s payback time – book it! Here comes the Karma Train, Brett Favre!
Pick: New Orleans

NY Giants at Philadelphia
-In midweek meeting Giants coach Tom Coughlin threatened team that, if they lose this game, they’ll be thrown from an invisible portal beside the New Jersey Turnpike and left in a roadside heap à la “Being John Malkovich.”
-No football column forthcoming this week from Matty – it seems he was eaten by Andy Reid.
Pick: Dah Iggles

Oakland at Baltimore
-I had been predicting an outcome of Baltimore 56, Oakland 0 before I found out that Robert Gallery would miss the game due to injury. New prediction: Baltimore 56, Oakland 0.
Pick: Bawlmer

Tampa Bay at Atlanta
-Please allow me to provide redress for my preseason prediction that Tampa Bay would win the Super Bowl: Oopsie!
-Actual football analysis: perhaps the loss of defensive coaches Mike Tomlin and Rod Marinelli is going to have some impact on the Bucs’ defense.
Alright, glad that’s out of the way.
Pick: Atlanta

Arizona at Seattle
-The desired result of Deion Branch’s acrimonious holdout from the Patriots has been realized: I now know his agent’s name.
Pick: Seattle

St Louis at San Francisco
-Rams’ impressive performance against Denver last week clearly illustrates what was missing from this team under Mike “K” Martz: Effort.
Pick: St. Louis

Kansas City at Denver
-Nearly 300,000 copies of “Madden 2007” recalled because of a malfunction in the Herman Edwards Botched Clock-Management feature.
-Jake Plummer TD passes in 2006 season: 0. Jake Plummer left-handed passes in 2006 season: 1.
Pick: Denver

New England at NY Jets
-Bill Belichick’s sideline attire: The sartorial equivalent of Chad Pennington’s rotator cuff.
Pick: New England

Tennessee at San Diego
-This week, Titans able to enjoy America’s finest weather while getting the ever-living piss beaten out of them.
-Too lazy to reconcile salary cap implications of a trade to Chargers, Titans GM Floyd Reese planning to just tell Billy Volek to report to the wrong locker room.
Pick: San Diego

Washington at Dallas
-Henceforth known as “The Bad Karma Bowl.”
-If these teams’ jackal owners had their way, this would be the only game on the schedule; all other teams would have been driven out of business by insufficient profit margins.
-Opening coin toss to determine “who gets to be the Yankees and who gets to be the Red Sox.”
-Traffic problems surrounding FedEx field are now so severe that it takes less time for a suburban Washingtonian to attend a Redskins/Cowboys at Texas Stadium.
Pick: Dallas

Pittsburgh at Jacksonville
-A history of race relations in the NFL:
In 1962, the Redskins were the only team in the league yet to have integrated its roster, seeing itself as the quasi-official team of the South, when the league office stepped in and demanded that it draft Heisman Trophy winner Ernie Davis of Syracuse, the first black Heisman winner. They refused, trading the draft pick to Cleveland. The Browns drafted Davis, only to see him be diagnosed with leukemia and die before he would ever play in an NFL game.
In 2006, the Jacksonville Jaguars, in a twisted outgrowth of modern racial politics, have three black quarterbacks on their roster to insulate starter Byron Leftwich from unfounded racially motivated criticism from hayseed fans.
Pick: Jacksonville 23, Pittsburgh 18

Wednesday, September 13, 2006


When last we left MFSAFP(p!)!, Joey had won the first week of football glory and was consolidating his power to take over the whole football pool (poop!) for his own evil uses. Matt, as usual, was paralyzed with despair. Laying on the floor of his tiny tiny house, he kept crying, "What have I done? What have I done?" All seemed lost. Could anything be done to stop Evil Joey’s nefarious plans?

Just then there was a loud bang sound! What could it be? Oh, the cat farted, never mind.

But soon after that an email appeared in Matt's in-box. It was from Karl. Matt reached his tear-stained hand up off the floor and opened it. It read as follows, "You hot bitch, I'll do you like OJ did Nicole." Matt was aghast, but soon another email appeared in his in-box, also from Karl. It said, "You stupid bastard, you screwed up my picks. I won the pool, not Joey."

Matt sprunged up from the floor, hardly realizing that "sprunged” isn't a word, and rushed to the Secret Picks Vault (SPV)! Fumbling with the door, hands trembling, he kept thinking, this could be the key to stopping Joey's wicked plot to take over the Pool (poop!)! Matt broke into the vault, and suddenly it was all plain to him: the way to stop Joey was to not fuck up Karl’s picks! Matt raced back to his computer, opened the Secret Football Pool (poop!) Spreadsheet (SFP(p!)S), and removed “San Francisco” from Karl's pool (poop!). Like a flash of lighting the spreadsheet removed Joey from the top spot and added Karl! At that moment, the sun shone more brightly than it ever has before. Also, I’m a moron.

Congratulations, Karl on being the Real Weiner of Week 1, and I ask both you and Joey to please accept my humble apologies. The moral of this story is very clear to me: never vote republican.

I've gone back and changed the standings for the week in the previous post to reflect the true standings (as opposed to the Matt Screwed It Up Standings). Good luck to everyone this week.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006


Faster than a drunken driver, more powerful than Jimmy Johnson's hair, able to order fast food in the nude... ITS WEEK 2!!!

We're devoid of Thursday night madness so send me your picks by Friday if possible (gives me time to set things up on the spreadsheet), but I'll take picks up until kickoff on Sunday.

Heres the lineup for next week:

Buffalo at Miami
Carolina at Minnesota
Cleveland at Cincinnati
Detroit at Chicago
Houston at Indianapolis
New Orleans at Green Bay
NY Giants at Philadelphia
Oakland at Baltimore
Tampa Bay at Atlanta
Arizona at Seattle
St Louis at San Francisco
Kansas City at Denver
New England at NY Jets
Tennessee at San Diego
Washington at Dallas
Pittsburgh at Jacksonville

Send your picks to Good luck!


The first exciting week of football is in the books, and we've learned some valuable lessons about who's good and who isn't. But the most important thing is that this week's winner is Joey Bansen of beautiful Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Joey gets his named bolded and receives an autographed copy of "My Life" by Jamie Farr. Actually, no, he wins $52, which he can put towards his new car payments. Congratulations, Joey, and thanks for stealing my money, you rat bastard.

In future weeks I'll be posting the overall standings and the final standings for the week, but since its only week 1, the overall standings are the same as the final standings for the week. Heres how we stand now:

Karl Vaillancourt..11-5 (24 points)
Joey Bansen........11-5 (31 points, and unfortunately over the actual 27)
Matthew Kory.......10-6
Scott Rozsa........10-6
Jon Stover.........10-6
Bill Denton.........9-7
Andy Harris.........9-7
Sandy Kory..........9-7
Dave Labowitz.......9-7
Matthew Mariam......9-7
Joshu Shih..........9-7
Zach Klein..........8-8
George Smith........6-10

[P.S. If anyone believes I have something incorrect please email me.]
[P.P.S. Apologies for the awkward formatting above, but its frick'n impossible to get the names to line up properly.]

Saturday, September 09, 2006


Week 1: Hooo haaa [Cough! Cough! Cough!]

HOOOOOOOO HA!!! I got you allllll in check, BITCHES!! Its that time of year again.

Time to touch monkeys?


Time to eat your own poop?

NOOOOOOO...well, maybe.

But either way its time for NFL Football, which means only one thing: utterly insensitive racial humor with new episodes of Around The NFL With Matty (ATNFLWM)!!! Yes, it’s another season of cracker/wetback/darky/honky lips-type funnies, and this year we might mix it with some football now and again for texture. But before we get into all of that, its important to note our corporate underwriters, the true evil behind ATNFLWM. This inaugural week of ATNFLWM is sponsored by:

The New Orleans Board of Tourism, who invites everyone who is certified in scuba diving to head on down to the Big Easy for the best urban scuba diving experience in the world! And remember, we’ll give you a voucher for $13.82 off your hotel stay for every dead body you drag to the shore (fifteen bucks if you bag ‘em)!

And by…

FEMA! Don’t call us, we’ll call you! Seriously, don’t call us.

And by…

What happens when, through a freak accident, a successful businessman is turned into a PLACEMAT?! Hi-jinks ensue, that’s what!! Come see Placemat, the hilarious new romantic comedy, starring Rob Schneider! Rated PG-13 for uncomfortable situations.

This week, ATNFLWM features a comprehensive look at every NFL team’s chances this upcoming season, a special new Reality Preview, and an in-depth look at this week’s games. But first, some dumb crap:

So, it’s week one all over again. It’s the time that every team can start anew and dream of the unattainable. Every team has a chance to get to the big one, every player and coach has a chance to earn that huge rock on their finger, and every owner has a chance to wave the Lombardi Trophy in Dan Snyder’s petulant little mug come season’s end. Even Dan Snyder. Yes, in true communistic fashion equality reigns supreme. Of course, when you really think about it, it’s not that different from the end of the season when every team will inevitably finish either 7-9, 8-8, or 9-7. Yes, the teams are separated by very little in the NFL. It really is a game of inches, folks. That’s the difference between ‘average’ and true greatness. In fact, 5.5 inches is average, and 9 inches is truly great, so we really are only talking about a difference of a few inches. Of course girth is another matter entirely. So is ball circumference.

But still, we here at ATNFLWM are planning a fabulous new season of cheap rip-offs and beaten down gimmicks with which we hope to entertain and amuse. We plan to feature new interviews with prominent NFL personalities as well as cutting-edge analysis about match-ups, teams and players that you just can’t get anywhere else. Also poop jokes. Lots of poop jokes. Poop! HA HA HA! Ahhhh… never gets old, does it? Poop poopidy poopy poop! Eat your heart out, Peter King, you lame-ass hack! You got nothing on ATNFLWM!

Speaking of having nothing, this Inaugural Edition of ATNFLWM (IAATNFLWM) is proud to present our early season predictions, followed by an exclusive showing of the new ABC reality show, “Who Wants to Play QB for the NY Jets?” Without further ado, lets get right to the meat of it, in order that you, the reader, can get yr meat sweats on!

But first… its prediction time! In typical ATNFLWM fashion we’re not actually going to cover all of the teams – that would take too much time, effort and research – we’re only going to stick with the teams that we’re interested in.

So now, it’s actually time for ATNFLWM’s Pre-’06 Season Predictions For Only The Teams That We’re Interested In! (ATNFLWMP’06SPFOTTTWII!)

NFC East:
The Redskins are very good. The Eagles are not very good. Ha ha! (This of course has very little to do with who ends up with a better final record. Also, it’s probably wrong.)

Conclusion: Taking into account the myriad factors listed above, ATNFLWM predicts the following this NFL season:
1. The Eagles won’t win the Superbowl (unless they do).
2. The Redskins will win the Superbowl (unless they don’t).
3. Peter King has no idea what he’s talking about and sucks serious dog dick!

And now it’s time for ATNFLWM’s special ABC Reality Preview, entitled Who Wants To Play Quarterback For The Jets? That’s right, folks. The Jets, who’s top three quarterbacks will soon go down for the year like Stuart Scott on a professional athlete, are holding open tryouts to see who can be their leader this season, who can take this team back to the playoffs, who can handle Eric Mangini’s hideous pre-fecal farts, and most importantly… Who Wants To Play Quarterback For The Jets!!

The game goes like this. Fifty contestants are flown to a desert island. Once there they are strip-searched, de-loused and anally violated. After that, they are divided into two teams, Team A and Team A. Each team is given secret instructions to reach the secret base, which holds a secret. After each team reaches the secret base, they will be subjected to the judges, who will vote fifty-nine of them off the island and into a pit of venomous snakes, where their only hope of survival will be to either eat themselves to death or sign a contract with Fox News as a Iraqi correspondent. The judges who will decide the contestant’s fate are as follows: Jets Head Coach Eric “pre-fecal” Mangini, football writer Chris “Mort” Mortensen, Iron Chef Mori “Hot Buns” Takatu, and of course Jamie Farr! Be sure to watch all this season on ABC!!

But first, ATNFLWM is brought to you by:

Iron Chef America, the Japanese version. Laugh uproariously as the show is translated from Japanese to English, and then back into Japanese! Hey! That doesn’t make any sense! Ha ha!! All this week on Bravo!

And by…

DirecTV’s new Red Sox/Yankees Channel. A whole channel devoted to everyone who thinks twenty six games a year just isn’t enough! Now everyone’s favorite rivalry has it’s own channel! Red Sox/Yankees all year round! What will the Yankees do, and then what will the Red Sox do to counter it? Find out, on the Red Sox/Yankees Channel! Order now and get a free hammer with which you can bludgeon yourself!

And by…

Fox: Goddamn they suck.

And by…

Jiffy-Boob: Inventors of the world’s first drive-thru boob job

It’s time to pick the games till they scab and bleed!

So, now we’re going to go right to the picks! But first, a reminder, these picks are not intended for use in an actual cash wager. Any money lost using these picks will not be the responsibility of ATNFLWM, it’s corporate parent MCIWorldcom, or any of its subsidiaries. For further information about the legalities involved herein, please see our website at Thank you.

And now to the picks!!

Miami at Pittsburgh
• In order to be more like mentor Bill Parcells, Nick Saban has scheduled breast enlargement surgery.
• ATNFLWM has learned that Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger has recently been diagnosed with Nipaboomia, which is the real reason that he will miss the first game of the season. Nipaboomia, for those who don’t know, causes explosion of the nipples.
• Steelers head coach Bill Cowher widely mulling retirement after winning Superbowl last season. Coach Cowher intends to spend retirement screaming and spewing spittle at high school football players. “What can I say,” says Cowher, “I just love the game.”
• New Dolphins QB Joey Harrington reportedly to quit team and begin new acting career as Mr. Belvedere in “Mr. Belvedere II: Cancelled Mid-Pilot”
Pick: Pittsburgh

Atlanta at Carolina
• Ultra-competitive sibling Michael Vick’s plan to out-do his kid brother Marcus: rob a retirement home with only his penis.
• Keyshawn Johnson catches pass, immediately complains about not catching enough passes.
Pick: Carolina

Baltimore at Tampa Bay
• Baltimore Head Coach Brian Billick’s Ego has seceded from his body, and seized power from Baltimore Head Coach Brian Billick. “I sure hope I can find my ego and patch things up,” said Billick. Said Brian Billick’s Ego, “I rule!”
Pick: Tampa Bay

Buffalo at New England
• In order to not give away anything to the enemy, New England Head Coach Bill Belichick has refused to tell his wife what he wants for dinner.
• As far as I can tell, J.P. Losman is actually a ‘70s era porno actor conjured up by renowned porno-fanatic Marv Levy to lead the Bills franchise back to glory. Unfortunately Losman has the requisite football skills to match someone of his appointment. He does have big hairy nuts, though.
Pick: New England

Cincinnati at Kansas City
• Either Kansas City Head Coach Herman Edwards is on the hot-seat, or his hemorrhoids are acting up.
Pick: Cincinnati

Denver at St. Louis
• If one does calculus for long enough one can prove that, not only is Champ Bailey a mediocre cornerback, but that he isn’t, in fact, black.
• Amazing Broncos can put anyone on the planet at running back and still miss Superbowl.
Pick: Denver

New Orleans at Cleveland
• Media machine in overdrive for this game. Will all this hype never end?!
Pick: Cleveland

N.Y. Jets at Tennessee
• Jets new stadium plans now call for floating stadium composed of innovative combination of solid gold and cheddar cheese.
Pick: Jets

Philadelphia at Houston
• To protect abdomen, QB Donovan McNabb to play entire game inside Popemobile.
• Texans voted most irrelevant sports franchise in all of professional sports by me.
• Eagles new play “45 right, jackrabbit deep” depends on Head Coach Andy Reid finishing cheese-steak and mashed potatoes in time to get play off.
Pick: Philly

Seattle at Detroit
• Matt Millen’s 10 year plan to get fired is proceeding right on schedule.
• In order to shed crazy label, new offensive coordinator Mike Martz has vowed not to wear his meat helmet on the sidelines all season.
• In support of Lions assistant coach, team will play this game drunk, nude.
Pick: Seattle

Chicago at Green Bay
• Bears new stadium providing ugly home field advantage.
Pick: Green Bay

Dallas at Jacksonville
• Dallas Head Coach Bill Parcells has had “I Hate Him” stitched onto back of wide receiver Terrell Owens jersey.
• Cowboys are a ship, and TO is Cape Horn. In other words, na ga ha pa!
Pick: Jacksonville

San Francisco at Arizona
• 49ers PR staff made commemorative video about last season. Of the 49 minutes, 38 were comprised of lesbian sex.
Pick: Arizona

Indianapolis at N.Y. “Jejune” Giants
• Eli Manning surprised to learn he has a brother.
• Redskins coach “Joe” Gibbs called Giants practice Friday to demote Giants linebacker LaVar Arrington. Said Arrington, “Well, OK, he’s the boss.”
Pick: NY Giants

Minnesota at Washington
• Redskins Owner Daniel Snyder has new secret plan to win the Superbowl. Starting next season he will stop paying ridiculous prices for coaches and players and start paying ridiculous prices for officials.
• Redskins website now features entire offensive playbook under heading “Whats New?”
• Vikings last in NFL karmic rating.
Pick: Washington

San Diego at Oakland
• Much like me, the Raiders have nothing.
Pick: San Diego
Total Points: 35

Next week: I prepare a fabulous soufflé! Stay tuned!


As an added bonus here at, we've hired some of the best football writers to enhance your knowledge and enjoyment of the NFL season. They'll be posting exclusive and weekly analysis of the coming week's games, providing you, the reader, with in-depth knowledge.

Also there will be swear words. Many, many swear words. And I would expect a dick joke or two. Or seven. In any case, this is the first of what we here at hope will be a number of articles.

This first article is by veteran writer and known dog dick fucker (see what I did there, what with the swear words and the dick jokes?) William C. Denton, III.



Billie M.F. Smalls’ 2006 Season Preview and Week 1 Extravagina... er, Extravaganza: “I Did the Muthafuckin’ Math, Beyotch!”

Peter King? Didn’t bother. Bill Simmons. Nope. The New York Times? Puh-leeze.

There are a finite number of wins available, you mongoloids. Thirty-two teams play 16 games, two teams are involved in each game, so there are 256 regular-season games. Each one has a winner and a loser. (Let's forget about ties, OK?)

If you’re not gonna bother to predict an equal amount of wins and losses, you’re missing the entire point of the modern NFL: every game is close, and in almost every one, both teams play well enough to win and simultaneously poorly enough to lose. Don’t tell me a team is *good enough* to go 10-6; Twenty-six of the 32 teams are *good enough* to go 10-6.

Hell, if you’re gonna fudge the league-wide totals like that, why not kiss everyone’s ass and say everyone will go 10-6 and the Lombardi Trophy goes to the winner of a coin toss. And you know what we call that, class?


So here we go, asswipes. And for this year’s preview, we’ve taken surveys of some opposing teams’ scouts to help us break down each team’s prospects for this season. In a blatant ripoff of countless other publications, we’ll call it “Scout’s Take.”

(Note that “Scout’s Take” does not refer to the deceased Hoffman family dog, who, as far as I know, was too lazy to even fetch a football, but is probably a better coach than Norvell Turner, even though he’s been dead for 5 years. The dog, I mean; not Norv.)

New England Patriots
SCOUT’S TAKE: “The rest of the league has caught up to their model for success on the cheap – there are no productive middle-tier guys available anymore and they’re stuck signing scrubs like Monty Beisel and Duane Starks. Frankly, I think Belichick is going to have to be institutionalized within a few years.”
“After last year, I’m ready to say Tom Brady is better than Peyton Manning in every conceivable way. But Patriots fans are still the scum of the Earth. I mean, had you ever met one single Patriots fan until 5 years ago?”
Prediction: 10-6
Week 1 pick: Beat BUF

Miami Dolphins
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Everyone talks about them getting on track by winning their last six games last season, but one of those was when the Pats sat all their starters. Plus – and I don’t remember it like this, but my notes say the other five games were all against the Texans.”
“I don’t care how good Cleo Lemon looks – his name is still Cleo Lemon. To hell with that.”
Prediction: 10-6 (AFC Wild Card)
Week 1 pick: Lose to PGH

Buffalo Bills
SCOUT’S TAKE: “This team is better than you think, provided you think it’s really, really fucking bad.”
“Their special teams are always really good, which shows you that special teams really aren’t that important after all.”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Lose to NE

New York Jets
SCOUT’S TAKE: “The arrow’s pointin’ in the right direction there, but what it’s pointin’ at is so far away I can’t even tell what it is.”
“They moved their team facilities to Jersey, but, you know what? No one there likes ‘em either. I don’t know who in the hell roots for the Jets. Where’s that Fireman Ed guy from?”
“You know, if I see one Jets game on national TV this year, I’m gonna go down to my local Comcast office and just beat the shit outta the first person I see.”
Prediction: 3-13
Week 1 pick: Lose to TEN

Cincinnati Bengals
SCOUT’S TAKE: “This would be a really fun team to watch if they didn’t have those fucking uniforms.”
“There are no real holes on this team other than possibly their run defense… and those fucking uniforms. Good god.”
Prediction: 10-6
Week 1 pick: Beat KC

Pittsburgh Steelers
SCOUT’S TAKE: “I like Willie Parker as an every-down back, as long as Duce Staley doesn’t eat him.”
“Now that they’ve got that One-For-The-Thumb ring from last year, the players are all saying ‘One For The Cock’ this year. I think that’s got a good ring to it.”
Prediction: 9-7 (AFC Wild Card)
Week 1 pick: Beat MIA

Baltimore Ravens
SCOUT’S TAKE: “I used to think Brian Billick had some nude photos of Art Modell stashed away and that’s how he was keeping his job. But now Modell’s not running the team anymore and I’m starting to think Billick has nude photos of *everyone*. What a pervert that guy must be!”
“When you already have no depth whatsoever as it is, and your supposed team leader is constantly bitching that he should be paid about 85% of your team’s salary cap, you’re probably in trouble.”
Prediction: 8-8
Week 1 pick: Lose to TB

Cleveland Browns
SCOUT’S TAKE: “This is a team you can finally say won’t beat itself, unless you count the front office beating the coaching staff with all of its shitty player acquisitions.”
“If Charlie Frye doesn’t totally go down the toilet, this is not going to be an easy team to play against. If he *does* go down the toilet, well, I don’t wanna be the plumber called out there, dag blammit.”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Beat NO

Indianapolis Colts
SCOUT’S TAKE: “I’m tempted to say the window has closed on this team, but a team can’t close the window on itself. Someone else has gotta do it for ‘em, and I don’t know if anyone else in this division has even *found* the goddamn window yet.”
“As much as I’m sick of the Patriots and their whining fans, I’ve really enjoyed watching them whup up on the Colts. Same way I like watchin’ the Yankees whup up on the Red Sox.”
Prediction: 12-4
Week 1 pick: Beat NYG

Jacksonville Jaguars
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Jack Del Rio spent more time last season blasting Vito Stellino than he did drawing up game plans. And he still looks just like The Greaseman.”
“There’s no reason I can think of that this team can’t be really good… Oh, wait, I just thought of one: Jack Del Rio. Oh, and the receivers. Can’t forget them. Ernest Wilford has two big cast-iron skillets for hands. Ernie Skillethands – Ha! I KILL ME!!”
“Good move forcing the Cowboys to wear their blue jerseys. Oh, they’re doomed now.”
Prediction: 8-8
Week 1 pick: Lose to Cowboys

Tennessee Titans
SCOUT’S TAKE: “If Vince Young isn’t starting the home game against Houston in week 8, I’ll eat Bud Adams’ hairpiece."
"If Vince Young isn’t starting the game in Houston on Week 14, I’ll eat Billy Volek.”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Beat the Jets

Houston Texans
SCOUT’S TAKE: “I got to talk with David Carr the other day, and I can’t believe how big a guy he is. Then I realized that was the first time since he was drafted that I’ve seen him on his feet.”
“I think Mario Williams is gonna be really good, but, c’mon, this is Texas – it’s not about how good you are, it’s about how much money a guy can make you.”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Lose to PHI

Denver Broncos
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Now that they cut Ron Dayne, I’m running out of ways to goof on this team.”
“From here their schedule looks really brutal, but not as brutal as those fucking Bengals uniforms.”
Prediction: 10-6
Week 1 pick: Beat STL

San Diego Chargers
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Here’s a team that tries to play hardball with players like the Patriots and Eagles do, but they have no leverage to do it. Thank god they weren’t able to trade Donnie Edwards, now that Steve Foley got all shot to hell by the po-po. When your goals are really stupid, your incompetence can really help you out.”
Prediction: 9-7
Week 1 pick: Beat OAK

Kansas City Chiefs
SCOUT’S TAKE: “John Welbourn must be the world’s smartest steroid cheat.”
“Let’s see, both their tackles are gone so Tony Gonzalez is gonna have to block on every down, their receivers suck ass, Trent Green ain’t getting any younger… hey, what’s not to like?”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Lose to CIN

Oakland Raiders
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Some of their moves have been so spectacularly stupid that people won’t notice they’re putting together a pretty good defense. They could sneak up on a few teams.”
“I can’t wait ‘til the first time I see Aaron Brooks do his patented 11-step drop and try to lateral the ball to the Back Judge.”
“Man, I just can’t get over how much Brooks looks like Martin Lawrence. You so crazy!”
Prediction: 4-12
Week 1 pick: Lose to SD

Seattle Seahawks
SCOUT’S TAKE: “They’ll be the first team since the Titans to make the playoffs the year after losing a Super Bowl. It’s virtually impossible for them not to make it. I think Gibran Hamdan is drawing a paycheck in this division.”
“Kudos to Matt Hasselbeck for balding gracefully. I don’t know what it is, but, to me, white guys who shave their heads look like they got fuckin’ cancer or somethin’.”
Prediction: 11-5
Week 1 pick: Beat DET

St. Louis Rams
SCOUT’S TAKE: “They better come up with a new Village Idiot over there, ‘cause I already miss being about to goof on Mike Martz. That Barry Bostwick lookin’ motherfucker. Hahaha.”
“I’ve been watching this team pretty closely all throughout training camp, and, you know, I still can’t tell you a fuckin’ thing about them.”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Lose to DEN

Arizona Cardinals
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Edgerrin James could average three and a half yards a carry for this team and it would constitute an enormous improvement over last year.”
“The Fraud Fairy visited this team – and I’m not talkin’ about A-Rod.”
“Denny Green has failed to heed Buddy Ryan’s lasting legacy: chew your food well. Er… I mean, you can’t win without an offensive line.”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Beat SF

San Francisco 49ers
SCOUT’S TAKE: “I actually like their offensive line much better than Arizona’s, and I like Frank Gore. But the rest of this team would have a hard time beating the Kennedy clan in the front yard at Martha’s Vineyard. Maybe they’d beat ‘em if they got ‘em at home.”
“I can’t see what the arrow’s pointin’ at here either, but I think it’s the Jets.”
Prediction: 4-12
Week 1 pick: Lose to ARI

Chicago Bears:
SCOUT’S TAKE: “For a long time I thought Brian Urlacher was overrated because he was a white guy. But after last season, I give up – turns out he’s actually really good.”
“Their schedule is a cakewalk. They’re the Jaguars of the NFC – no one’s gonna find out until the playoffs that this team actually sucks shit.”
“Urlacher’s leaving a trail of illegitimate kids across the country that would make Shawn Kemp proud. Man, he’s almost getting to O.D.B.’s level with that stuff.”
Prediction: 10-6
Week 1 pick: Beat GB

Minnesota Vikings
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Another team that’s trying to play hardball like the Eagles and Patriots but without the consistent winning. They cut Koren Robinson, but their starting safety just got arrested for waving his dick around like a lasso in front of a day-care center or something.”
“Todd Pinkston is better than a lot of people think – he’d get some respect if his name was Todd Blackston. Notice I didn’t say he was actually *good*, though.”
Prediction: 8-8
Week 1 pick: Lose to WAS

Detroit Lions
SCOUT’S TAKE: “I think Matt Millen has nude photos of Brian Billick holding up all the nude photos he’s got.”
“This organization’s head is crammed so far up its own ass that it might poke back out through its neck and they’ll win 8 games.”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Lose to SEA

Green Bay Packers
SCOUT’S TAKE: “This division is so insanely weak – including the Bears – that I wouldn’t rule out Rupert Murdoch fixing a few games down the stretch to get Brett Favre into the playoffs one last time.”
“Quit talkin’ about how much fucking fun Favre is having out there as he runs four yards past the line of scrimmage and then throws a ball into Taco Wallace’s feet, OK? He stinks. He’s done. Finito.”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Lose to CHI

Carolina Panthers
SCOUT’S TAKE: “With Steve Smith out for the first game, Keyshawn will catch 10 passes and become convinced he’s still the dominant receiver he was 5 years ago… Oh, wait, he wasn’t a dominant receiver 5 years ago either. Never mind.”
“Now that they’ve found out that no one gives a shit if they take steroids, the sky’s the limit for this team.”
Prediction: 10-6
Week 1 pick: Beat ATL

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Joey Galloway is in for a reality check. I hear Todd Sauerbrun moved out of Joey’s neighborhood and he’s not able to rifle through his trash for leftover steroids anymore.”
“If all their projected starters can manage to stay in the lineup throughout the season, then I’ll have a lot easier time keeping track of everything while I’m getting wasted in the press box.”
Prediction: 10-6 (AFC Wild Card)
Week 1 pick: Beat BAL

Atlanta Falcons
SCOUT’S TAKE: “They ought to try to squeeze a first-round pick outta Washington for Matt Schaub. Of course, they’d have to take it in 2010 since that’s the next first-rounder the Skins haven’t already dealt away.”
“I don’t know whether to be disappointed in Mike Vick’s career so far or pleasantly surprised he hasn’t shot anyone or developed a drug habit. As far as I know.”
Prediction: 8-8
Week 1 pick: Lose to CAR

New Orleans Saints
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Finally their image has changed – but it changed from ‘The Official Team of Bad Luck’ to ‘The Official Team of Really, Really Fucking Bad Luck’.”
“I like Drew Brees and think he’s healthy enough, but when your head coach’s calling card is that Jim Fassel stripped him of his play-calling duties when he made that stupid, canned ‘pushing-all-my-chips-into-the-center-of-the-table’ speech, that’s really just not good.”
Prediction: 5-11
Week 1 pick: Lose to CLE

Dallas Cowboys
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Boy, is Michael Irvin gonna be insufferable on TV if Terrell Owens is any good. Tommy Jackson might have to beat his ass. Either way, I’m gonna have to have a belt of scotch to watch the pregame show on ESPN.”
“I saw some paperwork over at Valley Ranch the other day, and you are not gonna believe this: Jerry Jones’ real first name is Jerrel. I mean, can you fuckin’ believe that? Isn’t that Darrell Green’s daughter’s name?”
Prediction: 10-6
Week 1 pick: Beat JAX

Philadelphia Eagles
SCOUT’S TAKE: “If Joe Banner holds a press conference and says, ‘don’t look for this team to contend until 2008,’ boy, watch out for these guys.”
“People seem split on whether Stallworth will be a big upgrade for this offense, but I think it’s obvious: if the Saints gave him away, then he’s gonna be great.”
“Their schedule until the bye week is so easy, no one’s gonna know if the Eagles are really any good – including the Eagles.”
Prediction: 10-6 (AFC Wild Card)
Week 1 pick: Beat HOU

Washington Redskins
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Here’s what their preseason was like, as best as I can figure: remember Pee-Wee Herman crashing his bike in front of the crowd of kids and then picking himself up and saying, ‘I *meant* to do that”?
“When was the last time you saw Mark Brunell throw two decent passes in a row?”
(Note: this was an actual scout’s quote from the Sports Illustrated NFL Preview issue.)
“Wait… Jason Campbell is black? Oh, man, this team is more screwed than I thought!”
Prediction: 8-8
Week 1 pick: Beat MIN

New York Giants
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Tom Coughlin’s a good coach, but not for this bag of mixed nuts. You know who I’d like to see coaching this team? Dusty Baker.”
“This team is like the Cowboys in that they’re loaded with talent but it could all blow up. But they’re not as entertaining as the Cowboys, as far as all the dysfunction goes.”
“I went on a diet this offseason – for me to eat anything, it had to be small enough to fit between Michael Strahan’s front teeth.”
Prediction: 6-10
Week 1 pick: Lose to IND

Bonus Worthless (and by worthless, I mean really, really worthless) Postseason Picks:
NFC Championship: Tampa Bay def. Seattle
AFC Championship: Cincinnati def. Denver
Your World Champions: The Wild-Card Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Believe it!

Then, on to a summer of jerkoff Longhorns fans claiming they loved Chris Simms all along. I can’t wait.

Oh, yes I can.

Monday, September 04, 2006

WEEK ONE, Bitches

Who's going to win? The Monsters or the Boulders!?! Who cares, cause its...


Hello fellow football fanatics, and welcome to Matty's First Semi-Annual Football Pool (poop!)! on the interweb! Its week one, finally, and that means its time to start to think about which teams you think might win some games this year. Without further ado, here are this week's games, followed by some ado:

Thursday, Sept. 7
Miami at Pittsburgh

Sunday, Sep. 10
Atlanta at Carolina
Baltimore at Tampa Bay
Buffalo at New England
Cincinnati at Kansas City
Denver at St. Louis
New Orleans at Cleveland
N.Y. Jets at Tennessee
Philadelphia at Houston
Seattle at Detroit
Chicago at Green Bay
Dallas at Jacksonville
San Francisco at Arizona
Indianapolis at N.Y. Giants

Monday, Sep. 11
Minnesota at Washington
San Diego at Oakland

As this week includes a Thursday game, I'll need your picks by Thursday afternoon. You can just cut and paste the schedule above into an email and send it to Please include "Week one picks" in the subject heading. Remember to indicate in some way who you think will win each game (your predicted score doesn't matter, please don't send it to me) and what the total number of points will be for the Monday night game. As there are two Monday night games for this week, please send me the total number of points for the second listed game, SD @ Oak.

For future reference, if there is a tie for the week, the tiebreaker will be the person who comes closest to the total number of points scored in the Monday night game without going over. Thats, without going over! If SD beats OAK 14-7, thats 21 total points scored. If someone picks 22 points for that game, they went over, and... well, you get it I hope.

So as to be completely above board with this, I will post my picks on this site by Thursday afternoon (if not sooner) as well. Feel free to take a look at them. They will hopefully be posted under the comments section each week, but if I can't get that to work then I'll do it as a separate post.

Each week I'll compile the results after the Monday night games are through, and post the results here on this site, hopefully by Tuesday afternoon.

So, take a look at those games, and email your picks to by Thursday afternoon!

Good luck and send in those picks!