Saturday, September 09, 2006


As an added bonus here at, we've hired some of the best football writers to enhance your knowledge and enjoyment of the NFL season. They'll be posting exclusive and weekly analysis of the coming week's games, providing you, the reader, with in-depth knowledge.

Also there will be swear words. Many, many swear words. And I would expect a dick joke or two. Or seven. In any case, this is the first of what we here at hope will be a number of articles.

This first article is by veteran writer and known dog dick fucker (see what I did there, what with the swear words and the dick jokes?) William C. Denton, III.



Billie M.F. Smalls’ 2006 Season Preview and Week 1 Extravagina... er, Extravaganza: “I Did the Muthafuckin’ Math, Beyotch!”

Peter King? Didn’t bother. Bill Simmons. Nope. The New York Times? Puh-leeze.

There are a finite number of wins available, you mongoloids. Thirty-two teams play 16 games, two teams are involved in each game, so there are 256 regular-season games. Each one has a winner and a loser. (Let's forget about ties, OK?)

If you’re not gonna bother to predict an equal amount of wins and losses, you’re missing the entire point of the modern NFL: every game is close, and in almost every one, both teams play well enough to win and simultaneously poorly enough to lose. Don’t tell me a team is *good enough* to go 10-6; Twenty-six of the 32 teams are *good enough* to go 10-6.

Hell, if you’re gonna fudge the league-wide totals like that, why not kiss everyone’s ass and say everyone will go 10-6 and the Lombardi Trophy goes to the winner of a coin toss. And you know what we call that, class?


So here we go, asswipes. And for this year’s preview, we’ve taken surveys of some opposing teams’ scouts to help us break down each team’s prospects for this season. In a blatant ripoff of countless other publications, we’ll call it “Scout’s Take.”

(Note that “Scout’s Take” does not refer to the deceased Hoffman family dog, who, as far as I know, was too lazy to even fetch a football, but is probably a better coach than Norvell Turner, even though he’s been dead for 5 years. The dog, I mean; not Norv.)

New England Patriots
SCOUT’S TAKE: “The rest of the league has caught up to their model for success on the cheap – there are no productive middle-tier guys available anymore and they’re stuck signing scrubs like Monty Beisel and Duane Starks. Frankly, I think Belichick is going to have to be institutionalized within a few years.”
“After last year, I’m ready to say Tom Brady is better than Peyton Manning in every conceivable way. But Patriots fans are still the scum of the Earth. I mean, had you ever met one single Patriots fan until 5 years ago?”
Prediction: 10-6
Week 1 pick: Beat BUF

Miami Dolphins
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Everyone talks about them getting on track by winning their last six games last season, but one of those was when the Pats sat all their starters. Plus – and I don’t remember it like this, but my notes say the other five games were all against the Texans.”
“I don’t care how good Cleo Lemon looks – his name is still Cleo Lemon. To hell with that.”
Prediction: 10-6 (AFC Wild Card)
Week 1 pick: Lose to PGH

Buffalo Bills
SCOUT’S TAKE: “This team is better than you think, provided you think it’s really, really fucking bad.”
“Their special teams are always really good, which shows you that special teams really aren’t that important after all.”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Lose to NE

New York Jets
SCOUT’S TAKE: “The arrow’s pointin’ in the right direction there, but what it’s pointin’ at is so far away I can’t even tell what it is.”
“They moved their team facilities to Jersey, but, you know what? No one there likes ‘em either. I don’t know who in the hell roots for the Jets. Where’s that Fireman Ed guy from?”
“You know, if I see one Jets game on national TV this year, I’m gonna go down to my local Comcast office and just beat the shit outta the first person I see.”
Prediction: 3-13
Week 1 pick: Lose to TEN

Cincinnati Bengals
SCOUT’S TAKE: “This would be a really fun team to watch if they didn’t have those fucking uniforms.”
“There are no real holes on this team other than possibly their run defense… and those fucking uniforms. Good god.”
Prediction: 10-6
Week 1 pick: Beat KC

Pittsburgh Steelers
SCOUT’S TAKE: “I like Willie Parker as an every-down back, as long as Duce Staley doesn’t eat him.”
“Now that they’ve got that One-For-The-Thumb ring from last year, the players are all saying ‘One For The Cock’ this year. I think that’s got a good ring to it.”
Prediction: 9-7 (AFC Wild Card)
Week 1 pick: Beat MIA

Baltimore Ravens
SCOUT’S TAKE: “I used to think Brian Billick had some nude photos of Art Modell stashed away and that’s how he was keeping his job. But now Modell’s not running the team anymore and I’m starting to think Billick has nude photos of *everyone*. What a pervert that guy must be!”
“When you already have no depth whatsoever as it is, and your supposed team leader is constantly bitching that he should be paid about 85% of your team’s salary cap, you’re probably in trouble.”
Prediction: 8-8
Week 1 pick: Lose to TB

Cleveland Browns
SCOUT’S TAKE: “This is a team you can finally say won’t beat itself, unless you count the front office beating the coaching staff with all of its shitty player acquisitions.”
“If Charlie Frye doesn’t totally go down the toilet, this is not going to be an easy team to play against. If he *does* go down the toilet, well, I don’t wanna be the plumber called out there, dag blammit.”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Beat NO

Indianapolis Colts
SCOUT’S TAKE: “I’m tempted to say the window has closed on this team, but a team can’t close the window on itself. Someone else has gotta do it for ‘em, and I don’t know if anyone else in this division has even *found* the goddamn window yet.”
“As much as I’m sick of the Patriots and their whining fans, I’ve really enjoyed watching them whup up on the Colts. Same way I like watchin’ the Yankees whup up on the Red Sox.”
Prediction: 12-4
Week 1 pick: Beat NYG

Jacksonville Jaguars
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Jack Del Rio spent more time last season blasting Vito Stellino than he did drawing up game plans. And he still looks just like The Greaseman.”
“There’s no reason I can think of that this team can’t be really good… Oh, wait, I just thought of one: Jack Del Rio. Oh, and the receivers. Can’t forget them. Ernest Wilford has two big cast-iron skillets for hands. Ernie Skillethands – Ha! I KILL ME!!”
“Good move forcing the Cowboys to wear their blue jerseys. Oh, they’re doomed now.”
Prediction: 8-8
Week 1 pick: Lose to Cowboys

Tennessee Titans
SCOUT’S TAKE: “If Vince Young isn’t starting the home game against Houston in week 8, I’ll eat Bud Adams’ hairpiece."
"If Vince Young isn’t starting the game in Houston on Week 14, I’ll eat Billy Volek.”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Beat the Jets

Houston Texans
SCOUT’S TAKE: “I got to talk with David Carr the other day, and I can’t believe how big a guy he is. Then I realized that was the first time since he was drafted that I’ve seen him on his feet.”
“I think Mario Williams is gonna be really good, but, c’mon, this is Texas – it’s not about how good you are, it’s about how much money a guy can make you.”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Lose to PHI

Denver Broncos
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Now that they cut Ron Dayne, I’m running out of ways to goof on this team.”
“From here their schedule looks really brutal, but not as brutal as those fucking Bengals uniforms.”
Prediction: 10-6
Week 1 pick: Beat STL

San Diego Chargers
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Here’s a team that tries to play hardball with players like the Patriots and Eagles do, but they have no leverage to do it. Thank god they weren’t able to trade Donnie Edwards, now that Steve Foley got all shot to hell by the po-po. When your goals are really stupid, your incompetence can really help you out.”
Prediction: 9-7
Week 1 pick: Beat OAK

Kansas City Chiefs
SCOUT’S TAKE: “John Welbourn must be the world’s smartest steroid cheat.”
“Let’s see, both their tackles are gone so Tony Gonzalez is gonna have to block on every down, their receivers suck ass, Trent Green ain’t getting any younger… hey, what’s not to like?”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Lose to CIN

Oakland Raiders
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Some of their moves have been so spectacularly stupid that people won’t notice they’re putting together a pretty good defense. They could sneak up on a few teams.”
“I can’t wait ‘til the first time I see Aaron Brooks do his patented 11-step drop and try to lateral the ball to the Back Judge.”
“Man, I just can’t get over how much Brooks looks like Martin Lawrence. You so crazy!”
Prediction: 4-12
Week 1 pick: Lose to SD

Seattle Seahawks
SCOUT’S TAKE: “They’ll be the first team since the Titans to make the playoffs the year after losing a Super Bowl. It’s virtually impossible for them not to make it. I think Gibran Hamdan is drawing a paycheck in this division.”
“Kudos to Matt Hasselbeck for balding gracefully. I don’t know what it is, but, to me, white guys who shave their heads look like they got fuckin’ cancer or somethin’.”
Prediction: 11-5
Week 1 pick: Beat DET

St. Louis Rams
SCOUT’S TAKE: “They better come up with a new Village Idiot over there, ‘cause I already miss being about to goof on Mike Martz. That Barry Bostwick lookin’ motherfucker. Hahaha.”
“I’ve been watching this team pretty closely all throughout training camp, and, you know, I still can’t tell you a fuckin’ thing about them.”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Lose to DEN

Arizona Cardinals
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Edgerrin James could average three and a half yards a carry for this team and it would constitute an enormous improvement over last year.”
“The Fraud Fairy visited this team – and I’m not talkin’ about A-Rod.”
“Denny Green has failed to heed Buddy Ryan’s lasting legacy: chew your food well. Er… I mean, you can’t win without an offensive line.”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Beat SF

San Francisco 49ers
SCOUT’S TAKE: “I actually like their offensive line much better than Arizona’s, and I like Frank Gore. But the rest of this team would have a hard time beating the Kennedy clan in the front yard at Martha’s Vineyard. Maybe they’d beat ‘em if they got ‘em at home.”
“I can’t see what the arrow’s pointin’ at here either, but I think it’s the Jets.”
Prediction: 4-12
Week 1 pick: Lose to ARI

Chicago Bears:
SCOUT’S TAKE: “For a long time I thought Brian Urlacher was overrated because he was a white guy. But after last season, I give up – turns out he’s actually really good.”
“Their schedule is a cakewalk. They’re the Jaguars of the NFC – no one’s gonna find out until the playoffs that this team actually sucks shit.”
“Urlacher’s leaving a trail of illegitimate kids across the country that would make Shawn Kemp proud. Man, he’s almost getting to O.D.B.’s level with that stuff.”
Prediction: 10-6
Week 1 pick: Beat GB

Minnesota Vikings
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Another team that’s trying to play hardball like the Eagles and Patriots but without the consistent winning. They cut Koren Robinson, but their starting safety just got arrested for waving his dick around like a lasso in front of a day-care center or something.”
“Todd Pinkston is better than a lot of people think – he’d get some respect if his name was Todd Blackston. Notice I didn’t say he was actually *good*, though.”
Prediction: 8-8
Week 1 pick: Lose to WAS

Detroit Lions
SCOUT’S TAKE: “I think Matt Millen has nude photos of Brian Billick holding up all the nude photos he’s got.”
“This organization’s head is crammed so far up its own ass that it might poke back out through its neck and they’ll win 8 games.”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Lose to SEA

Green Bay Packers
SCOUT’S TAKE: “This division is so insanely weak – including the Bears – that I wouldn’t rule out Rupert Murdoch fixing a few games down the stretch to get Brett Favre into the playoffs one last time.”
“Quit talkin’ about how much fucking fun Favre is having out there as he runs four yards past the line of scrimmage and then throws a ball into Taco Wallace’s feet, OK? He stinks. He’s done. Finito.”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Lose to CHI

Carolina Panthers
SCOUT’S TAKE: “With Steve Smith out for the first game, Keyshawn will catch 10 passes and become convinced he’s still the dominant receiver he was 5 years ago… Oh, wait, he wasn’t a dominant receiver 5 years ago either. Never mind.”
“Now that they’ve found out that no one gives a shit if they take steroids, the sky’s the limit for this team.”
Prediction: 10-6
Week 1 pick: Beat ATL

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Joey Galloway is in for a reality check. I hear Todd Sauerbrun moved out of Joey’s neighborhood and he’s not able to rifle through his trash for leftover steroids anymore.”
“If all their projected starters can manage to stay in the lineup throughout the season, then I’ll have a lot easier time keeping track of everything while I’m getting wasted in the press box.”
Prediction: 10-6 (AFC Wild Card)
Week 1 pick: Beat BAL

Atlanta Falcons
SCOUT’S TAKE: “They ought to try to squeeze a first-round pick outta Washington for Matt Schaub. Of course, they’d have to take it in 2010 since that’s the next first-rounder the Skins haven’t already dealt away.”
“I don’t know whether to be disappointed in Mike Vick’s career so far or pleasantly surprised he hasn’t shot anyone or developed a drug habit. As far as I know.”
Prediction: 8-8
Week 1 pick: Lose to CAR

New Orleans Saints
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Finally their image has changed – but it changed from ‘The Official Team of Bad Luck’ to ‘The Official Team of Really, Really Fucking Bad Luck’.”
“I like Drew Brees and think he’s healthy enough, but when your head coach’s calling card is that Jim Fassel stripped him of his play-calling duties when he made that stupid, canned ‘pushing-all-my-chips-into-the-center-of-the-table’ speech, that’s really just not good.”
Prediction: 5-11
Week 1 pick: Lose to CLE

Dallas Cowboys
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Boy, is Michael Irvin gonna be insufferable on TV if Terrell Owens is any good. Tommy Jackson might have to beat his ass. Either way, I’m gonna have to have a belt of scotch to watch the pregame show on ESPN.”
“I saw some paperwork over at Valley Ranch the other day, and you are not gonna believe this: Jerry Jones’ real first name is Jerrel. I mean, can you fuckin’ believe that? Isn’t that Darrell Green’s daughter’s name?”
Prediction: 10-6
Week 1 pick: Beat JAX

Philadelphia Eagles
SCOUT’S TAKE: “If Joe Banner holds a press conference and says, ‘don’t look for this team to contend until 2008,’ boy, watch out for these guys.”
“People seem split on whether Stallworth will be a big upgrade for this offense, but I think it’s obvious: if the Saints gave him away, then he’s gonna be great.”
“Their schedule until the bye week is so easy, no one’s gonna know if the Eagles are really any good – including the Eagles.”
Prediction: 10-6 (AFC Wild Card)
Week 1 pick: Beat HOU

Washington Redskins
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Here’s what their preseason was like, as best as I can figure: remember Pee-Wee Herman crashing his bike in front of the crowd of kids and then picking himself up and saying, ‘I *meant* to do that”?
“When was the last time you saw Mark Brunell throw two decent passes in a row?”
(Note: this was an actual scout’s quote from the Sports Illustrated NFL Preview issue.)
“Wait… Jason Campbell is black? Oh, man, this team is more screwed than I thought!”
Prediction: 8-8
Week 1 pick: Beat MIN

New York Giants
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Tom Coughlin’s a good coach, but not for this bag of mixed nuts. You know who I’d like to see coaching this team? Dusty Baker.”
“This team is like the Cowboys in that they’re loaded with talent but it could all blow up. But they’re not as entertaining as the Cowboys, as far as all the dysfunction goes.”
“I went on a diet this offseason – for me to eat anything, it had to be small enough to fit between Michael Strahan’s front teeth.”
Prediction: 6-10
Week 1 pick: Lose to IND

Bonus Worthless (and by worthless, I mean really, really worthless) Postseason Picks:
NFC Championship: Tampa Bay def. Seattle
AFC Championship: Cincinnati def. Denver
Your World Champions: The Wild-Card Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Believe it!

Then, on to a summer of jerkoff Longhorns fans claiming they loved Chris Simms all along. I can’t wait.

Oh, yes I can.

No comments: