Saturday, September 09, 2006


Week 1: Hooo haaa [Cough! Cough! Cough!]

HOOOOOOOO HA!!! I got you allllll in check, BITCHES!! Its that time of year again.

Time to touch monkeys?


Time to eat your own poop?

NOOOOOOO...well, maybe.

But either way its time for NFL Football, which means only one thing: utterly insensitive racial humor with new episodes of Around The NFL With Matty (ATNFLWM)!!! Yes, it’s another season of cracker/wetback/darky/honky lips-type funnies, and this year we might mix it with some football now and again for texture. But before we get into all of that, its important to note our corporate underwriters, the true evil behind ATNFLWM. This inaugural week of ATNFLWM is sponsored by:

The New Orleans Board of Tourism, who invites everyone who is certified in scuba diving to head on down to the Big Easy for the best urban scuba diving experience in the world! And remember, we’ll give you a voucher for $13.82 off your hotel stay for every dead body you drag to the shore (fifteen bucks if you bag ‘em)!

And by…

FEMA! Don’t call us, we’ll call you! Seriously, don’t call us.

And by…

What happens when, through a freak accident, a successful businessman is turned into a PLACEMAT?! Hi-jinks ensue, that’s what!! Come see Placemat, the hilarious new romantic comedy, starring Rob Schneider! Rated PG-13 for uncomfortable situations.

This week, ATNFLWM features a comprehensive look at every NFL team’s chances this upcoming season, a special new Reality Preview, and an in-depth look at this week’s games. But first, some dumb crap:

So, it’s week one all over again. It’s the time that every team can start anew and dream of the unattainable. Every team has a chance to get to the big one, every player and coach has a chance to earn that huge rock on their finger, and every owner has a chance to wave the Lombardi Trophy in Dan Snyder’s petulant little mug come season’s end. Even Dan Snyder. Yes, in true communistic fashion equality reigns supreme. Of course, when you really think about it, it’s not that different from the end of the season when every team will inevitably finish either 7-9, 8-8, or 9-7. Yes, the teams are separated by very little in the NFL. It really is a game of inches, folks. That’s the difference between ‘average’ and true greatness. In fact, 5.5 inches is average, and 9 inches is truly great, so we really are only talking about a difference of a few inches. Of course girth is another matter entirely. So is ball circumference.

But still, we here at ATNFLWM are planning a fabulous new season of cheap rip-offs and beaten down gimmicks with which we hope to entertain and amuse. We plan to feature new interviews with prominent NFL personalities as well as cutting-edge analysis about match-ups, teams and players that you just can’t get anywhere else. Also poop jokes. Lots of poop jokes. Poop! HA HA HA! Ahhhh… never gets old, does it? Poop poopidy poopy poop! Eat your heart out, Peter King, you lame-ass hack! You got nothing on ATNFLWM!

Speaking of having nothing, this Inaugural Edition of ATNFLWM (IAATNFLWM) is proud to present our early season predictions, followed by an exclusive showing of the new ABC reality show, “Who Wants to Play QB for the NY Jets?” Without further ado, lets get right to the meat of it, in order that you, the reader, can get yr meat sweats on!

But first… its prediction time! In typical ATNFLWM fashion we’re not actually going to cover all of the teams – that would take too much time, effort and research – we’re only going to stick with the teams that we’re interested in.

So now, it’s actually time for ATNFLWM’s Pre-’06 Season Predictions For Only The Teams That We’re Interested In! (ATNFLWMP’06SPFOTTTWII!)

NFC East:
The Redskins are very good. The Eagles are not very good. Ha ha! (This of course has very little to do with who ends up with a better final record. Also, it’s probably wrong.)

Conclusion: Taking into account the myriad factors listed above, ATNFLWM predicts the following this NFL season:
1. The Eagles won’t win the Superbowl (unless they do).
2. The Redskins will win the Superbowl (unless they don’t).
3. Peter King has no idea what he’s talking about and sucks serious dog dick!

And now it’s time for ATNFLWM’s special ABC Reality Preview, entitled Who Wants To Play Quarterback For The Jets? That’s right, folks. The Jets, who’s top three quarterbacks will soon go down for the year like Stuart Scott on a professional athlete, are holding open tryouts to see who can be their leader this season, who can take this team back to the playoffs, who can handle Eric Mangini’s hideous pre-fecal farts, and most importantly… Who Wants To Play Quarterback For The Jets!!

The game goes like this. Fifty contestants are flown to a desert island. Once there they are strip-searched, de-loused and anally violated. After that, they are divided into two teams, Team A and Team A. Each team is given secret instructions to reach the secret base, which holds a secret. After each team reaches the secret base, they will be subjected to the judges, who will vote fifty-nine of them off the island and into a pit of venomous snakes, where their only hope of survival will be to either eat themselves to death or sign a contract with Fox News as a Iraqi correspondent. The judges who will decide the contestant’s fate are as follows: Jets Head Coach Eric “pre-fecal” Mangini, football writer Chris “Mort” Mortensen, Iron Chef Mori “Hot Buns” Takatu, and of course Jamie Farr! Be sure to watch all this season on ABC!!

But first, ATNFLWM is brought to you by:

Iron Chef America, the Japanese version. Laugh uproariously as the show is translated from Japanese to English, and then back into Japanese! Hey! That doesn’t make any sense! Ha ha!! All this week on Bravo!

And by…

DirecTV’s new Red Sox/Yankees Channel. A whole channel devoted to everyone who thinks twenty six games a year just isn’t enough! Now everyone’s favorite rivalry has it’s own channel! Red Sox/Yankees all year round! What will the Yankees do, and then what will the Red Sox do to counter it? Find out, on the Red Sox/Yankees Channel! Order now and get a free hammer with which you can bludgeon yourself!

And by…

Fox: Goddamn they suck.

And by…

Jiffy-Boob: Inventors of the world’s first drive-thru boob job

It’s time to pick the games till they scab and bleed!

So, now we’re going to go right to the picks! But first, a reminder, these picks are not intended for use in an actual cash wager. Any money lost using these picks will not be the responsibility of ATNFLWM, it’s corporate parent MCIWorldcom, or any of its subsidiaries. For further information about the legalities involved herein, please see our website at Thank you.

And now to the picks!!

Miami at Pittsburgh
• In order to be more like mentor Bill Parcells, Nick Saban has scheduled breast enlargement surgery.
• ATNFLWM has learned that Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger has recently been diagnosed with Nipaboomia, which is the real reason that he will miss the first game of the season. Nipaboomia, for those who don’t know, causes explosion of the nipples.
• Steelers head coach Bill Cowher widely mulling retirement after winning Superbowl last season. Coach Cowher intends to spend retirement screaming and spewing spittle at high school football players. “What can I say,” says Cowher, “I just love the game.”
• New Dolphins QB Joey Harrington reportedly to quit team and begin new acting career as Mr. Belvedere in “Mr. Belvedere II: Cancelled Mid-Pilot”
Pick: Pittsburgh

Atlanta at Carolina
• Ultra-competitive sibling Michael Vick’s plan to out-do his kid brother Marcus: rob a retirement home with only his penis.
• Keyshawn Johnson catches pass, immediately complains about not catching enough passes.
Pick: Carolina

Baltimore at Tampa Bay
• Baltimore Head Coach Brian Billick’s Ego has seceded from his body, and seized power from Baltimore Head Coach Brian Billick. “I sure hope I can find my ego and patch things up,” said Billick. Said Brian Billick’s Ego, “I rule!”
Pick: Tampa Bay

Buffalo at New England
• In order to not give away anything to the enemy, New England Head Coach Bill Belichick has refused to tell his wife what he wants for dinner.
• As far as I can tell, J.P. Losman is actually a ‘70s era porno actor conjured up by renowned porno-fanatic Marv Levy to lead the Bills franchise back to glory. Unfortunately Losman has the requisite football skills to match someone of his appointment. He does have big hairy nuts, though.
Pick: New England

Cincinnati at Kansas City
• Either Kansas City Head Coach Herman Edwards is on the hot-seat, or his hemorrhoids are acting up.
Pick: Cincinnati

Denver at St. Louis
• If one does calculus for long enough one can prove that, not only is Champ Bailey a mediocre cornerback, but that he isn’t, in fact, black.
• Amazing Broncos can put anyone on the planet at running back and still miss Superbowl.
Pick: Denver

New Orleans at Cleveland
• Media machine in overdrive for this game. Will all this hype never end?!
Pick: Cleveland

N.Y. Jets at Tennessee
• Jets new stadium plans now call for floating stadium composed of innovative combination of solid gold and cheddar cheese.
Pick: Jets

Philadelphia at Houston
• To protect abdomen, QB Donovan McNabb to play entire game inside Popemobile.
• Texans voted most irrelevant sports franchise in all of professional sports by me.
• Eagles new play “45 right, jackrabbit deep” depends on Head Coach Andy Reid finishing cheese-steak and mashed potatoes in time to get play off.
Pick: Philly

Seattle at Detroit
• Matt Millen’s 10 year plan to get fired is proceeding right on schedule.
• In order to shed crazy label, new offensive coordinator Mike Martz has vowed not to wear his meat helmet on the sidelines all season.
• In support of Lions assistant coach, team will play this game drunk, nude.
Pick: Seattle

Chicago at Green Bay
• Bears new stadium providing ugly home field advantage.
Pick: Green Bay

Dallas at Jacksonville
• Dallas Head Coach Bill Parcells has had “I Hate Him” stitched onto back of wide receiver Terrell Owens jersey.
• Cowboys are a ship, and TO is Cape Horn. In other words, na ga ha pa!
Pick: Jacksonville

San Francisco at Arizona
• 49ers PR staff made commemorative video about last season. Of the 49 minutes, 38 were comprised of lesbian sex.
Pick: Arizona

Indianapolis at N.Y. “Jejune” Giants
• Eli Manning surprised to learn he has a brother.
• Redskins coach “Joe” Gibbs called Giants practice Friday to demote Giants linebacker LaVar Arrington. Said Arrington, “Well, OK, he’s the boss.”
Pick: NY Giants

Minnesota at Washington
• Redskins Owner Daniel Snyder has new secret plan to win the Superbowl. Starting next season he will stop paying ridiculous prices for coaches and players and start paying ridiculous prices for officials.
• Redskins website now features entire offensive playbook under heading “Whats New?”
• Vikings last in NFL karmic rating.
Pick: Washington

San Diego at Oakland
• Much like me, the Raiders have nothing.
Pick: San Diego
Total Points: 35

Next week: I prepare a fabulous soufflé! Stay tuned!

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