Saturday, September 16, 2006
WEEK TWO: AROUND THE NFL WITH MATTY!
Week 2: Grasping At Straws (With Which To Insert)
Welcome to Week 2 here at Around the NFL with Matty (ATNFLWM)! After witnessing both the Eagles systematic demolition of the Texans and my Redskins implosion against a surprisingly decent Minnesota team, I’m now fully into football-mode (Football-Mode copyright 2006, Schpeegle Industries, Chicago 60609). Football mode can be discerned in many different ways. One such way is this:
Matt’s Fiancé: What do you want for dinner, Matt?
Matt: I want Mark Brunell to stop being such a GOD DAMN PUSSY!!
Matt’s Fiancé: [walks away]
It doesn’t hurt that my Red Sox are almost as dead as the crocodile hunter. Interesting aside: The day after Steve “The Croc Hunter” Irwin died, I had the following exchange with a friend of mine:
Me: Hey Paul, what’s the difference between The Crocodile Hunter and the Raiders offense?
Paul: …oh, Jesus…
Me: Nothing! They’re exactly alike! Ha ha!
Paul: [walks away]
So I ask you, when exactly is it appropriate to begin to make jokes about a tragedy? I had been operating on the five-second rule, but recently someone told me that that rule only applies to food that has been dropped on the floor. Is it inappropriate to make fun of something that is admittedly unfortunate, yet not personal? It’s not like I knew the guy, and my friend didn’t know him either, but then TV does give us the false impression that we know people we’ve never met. By all accounts, Irwin was a nice guy who cared for nature a great deal (making his untimely death all the more ironic). However, nice people die every day, and most of them are not nearly as fortunate as Irwin was. What to do… I think I’m going to stick with the five-second rule.
So, my humor hasn’t been up to snuff recently, but that’ll surely change, as we move to Week 2, where I can falsely award the prize money to someone who didn’t actually win again! Yeah!
This week’s episode of ATNFLWM is brought to you by:
Mike Timlin Airways: Free one way trips, as long as your going over the wall.
Touch of Red: The leader in women’s panty coloring
And now to the picks! But first, remember these picks are for monkeys only. Any use of these picks by actual human beings could result in heart palpitations and oily stool.
Buffalo at Miami
• When oh when will women stop naming their babies Dick? Aren’t we past that as a society yet?
• If you need any weed or anything, Ricky Williams knows some people, yo.
Carolina at Minnesota
• John Fox has an answer for everything, except Brad Childress’ ‘stache.
• Steve Smith to be replaced in this week’s lineup by Wile E. Coyote. A large box of portable holes and dehydrated boulders labeled “Acme” near Smith’s locker tipped off the press.
Cleveland at Cincinnati
• Cleveland football fans named “greatest football fans” by Cleveland Football Fan magazine.
• ATNFLWM has obtained a secret document outlining Chad Johnson’s new NFL-approved touchdown celebrations. Here are a few of them:
o Johnson strips down to underwear and plays air guitar al-la Tom Cruise in Risky Business
o Johnson pulls football ‘out’ of ref’s ear
o Johnson runs back to line of scrimmage and re-runs his route again, but this time in slow motion, punctuating it by throwing the ball up in the air and catching it in the end zone.
Detroit at Chicago
• I have seen the enemy and it is Matt Millen.
• In attempt to improve the self image of the Bears offense, coach Lovie Smith has mandated all offensive players have penile enlargement surgery.
Houston at Indianapolis
• Wonder of wonders, Vol. 1: Texans didn’t play a bad first half of football against the Eagles last week
• Surprise, Surprise, Vol. 1: Texans played a lousy second half of football against the Eagles last week.
• Hey! Peyton Manning would like you to buy something!
New Orleans at Green Bay
• City of New Orleans to apply for 2010 Underwater Olympics
• Unfortunately for us fans, the Packers are not scheduled to play the Raiders this season, a game that would surely rival the worst game in NFL history, where, in 1934 the Akron Blue Balls narrowly defeated the Scranton Asthmatics 1-0. The Blue Balls managed to score the only point of the game when Asthmatics quarterback, “Scrumptious” Sammy Dingleberry suffered a heart attack and died, falling backwards on the football, which became lodged in his rectum. At the time, by obscure rule, if the ball physically entered the body of a player and remained there for 32 seconds, the opposing team was awarded a single point.
Pick: New Orleans
NY “fecal mass” Giants at Philadelphia
• Eagles coach Andy Reid can eat my butt! And might!
• In order to fire team up for game, Giants head coach Tom Coughlin forcing entire team to come to his house for a muumuu party where they’ll eat soufflé, drink sweet tea, and watch Little Orphan Annie cartoons.
Oakland at Baltimore
• “Nu-tin! You got nu-tin! You understand me? Nu-tin!” - Al Pachino on the Raiders offense.
• Ravens superbowl dreams to be dashed when it is revealed that Steve McNair’s contract calls for him to get injured in fourth week of the season.
Tampa Bay at Atlanta
• Amazing Michael Vick’s sub-50% completion percentage surely helping Falcons win.
• Disappointed Bucs to call it a season. “After last week, well, we just can’t… well, we’re done. Just done,” said an emotional Simeon Rice.
Arizona at Seattle
• Deion Branch unhappy with new contract signed yesterday, and is demanding a trade. “I’m not the same man I was yesterday,” said Branch. “We all change. I’m a different person than at 4:30 Thursday afternoon. I need more money.”
• Everything Cardinals offense is, Cardinals defense isn’t.
• As the kids say, Dennis Green can “bring the crazy.’
St Louis at San Francisco
• 49ers championship hopes hinge on massive airplane crash wherein all 31 other NFL teams simultaneously collide into each other.
• Privately, some Rams miss former crazy head coach Mike Martz. Said Isaac Bruce, “I remember one time when Mike came into the locker room after a particularly tough loss. He had a cup of yellow Gatorade with him that he was sipping as he looked us over. Finally someone asked him why he was drinking Gatorade, and he said its not Gatorade, its baboon urine. I miss that man…”
Pick: St. Louis
Kansas City at Denver
• Danger! Danger! Mike Shanahan’s front teeth grow stronger by the day!
• Chief’s defense to taken away from “Gunther” Cunningham and given to “Great Googily Moogily” guy from Snickers commercial.
• Champ Baily now has his own cologne. The cologne is called “Baily.”
New England at NY Jets
• Jets coach Eric Mangini so concerned that Patriots will learn about his offense that he has sequestered them in a bunker deep in the Alps of southern Germany.
• Patriots coach Bill Belichick has a pullover sweatshirt with pasta-roni stains for every occasion.
Pick: New England
Tennessee at San Diego
• Titans coach Jeff Fischer unsure who to use as his starting quarterback. His choices are as follows:
o Spanky McGee
o President Abraham Lincoln
o Mr. Poon
o A muskrat named Filbert.
Pick: San Diego
Washington at Dallas
• Surprisingly, having Tom Cruise sitting next to him at FedEx Field last Monday night did not engender any positive comments about Redskins owner Dan Snyder.
• Snyder to use entire Redskins team to star in first movie from his new production company: Mission Impossible IV: Na ga ha pa!
• Dallas coach Bill Parcells has been receiving calls from small breasted women who want to know his secret.
Pittsburgh at Jacksonville
• City of Jacksonville still unsure why the have an NFL team.
• Steelers Bill Cowher still on the proverbial fence about retirement. “On one hand I enjoy spewing spittle at NFL athletes,” said Cowher, “ but on the other hand I think I’d enjoy the challenge of spewing spittle on pee-wee leaguers.”
• Making a joke about Jacksonville is as difficult as making a joke about any little piss-ant town that nobody’s ever heard off. How do they have a team and Wichita Kansas doesn’t?
Pick: Pittsburgh (20 points)
Next week: I take up knitting! Stay tuned!