Wednesday, December 27, 2006


Well, gang, this is it, the end of the line. We all get off here. Its been a fun ride. I'll save the tearful good-bye for Matty's Yearly Retrospective post, which I'll certainly type up drunk as a skunk's junk in a bunk on a trunk. This week begins with the crapshoot that is Redskins/Giants on Saturday night. The game starts at 8pm EST, so I'll need your final (*sniff*) weekly picks by then.

Heres the schedule for Week 17:
NY "Skunk's Junk" Giants at Washington
Atlanta at Philadelphia
Buffalo at Baltimore
Carolina at New Orleans
Cleveland at Houston
Detroit at Dallas
Green Bay at Chicago
Jacksonville at Kansas City
Miami at Indianapolis
New England at Tennessee
Oakland at NY Jets
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
Seattle at Tampa Bay
St Louis at Minnesota
Arizona at San Diego
San Francisco at Denver (plus total points)


From the homestead...

Thaaaaaaaaats right, I'm back at my 'rents house, down in ol' VA. This is the first post coming to you from the backwater of Washington DC, rather than the mean streets of Filthadelphia.

We had a banner week here at MFSAFP(p!)! Two Firsts this week. The first First, if you will, was that... well, actually it wasn't really a first after all. I thought someone set the record for wins in a week, 14, but that ain't the case. Fourteen wins, what I thought to be the new record was originally posted by Mister Zack Klein in Week 2. And its not even the record for best week, which was posted by my brother (Sandy) who went an incredible 13-1 in Week 5. In any case, the non-record was posted by Mister David Labowitz. Such a great week deserves a great reward, but we don't give out great rewards here at MFSAFP(p!)! Which is fine for Mister Labowitz because he sent his picks in too late to qualify for this week's money anyway. For shame, Mister Labowitz, for shame.

The second First was that, with Mister Labowitz out of the way, there was room for mediocrity to take the proverbial cake. And, sirs, as you all should know by now, I am nothing if not mediocre. Thats right, the winner this week was, essentially through default...


Holy poop on a stick!!
Holy crap on a crutch!!
And holy %#@$*!@&^*&!!!

I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible, primarily everyone in this pool for all having a week just crappy enough to let me regain a measure of my football prognosticating dignity. I chose 27 points and, as the total points came out to be 23, I managed to beat Karl (34) and George (31) in the total points category. Here's how the week played out:

1. Dave Labowitz, 14-2*
2. Matthew Kory, 9-7
2. Karl Vaillancourt, 9-7
2. Scott Rozsa, 9-7*
2. George Smith, 9-7
6. Joshu Shih, 8-8
6. Andy Harris, 8-8*
8. Matthew Mariam, 7-9*
8. Sandy Kory, 7-9*
8. Joey Bansen, 7-9
8. Jon Stover, 7-9
8. Zack Klein, 7-9
13. Bill Denton, 6-10

[*picks arrived too late for dough]

That puts the year's standings at the following:

1. Joshu Shih, 148-92
2. Joey Bansen, 145-95
3. Matthew Kory, 144-96
4. Jon Stover, 143- 97
4. Andy Harris, 143-97
6. Scott Rozsa, 141-99
6. Karl Vaillancourt, 141-99
6. Sandy Kory, 141-99
9. Zack Klein, 140-100
10. Matthew Mariam, 139-101
11. George Smith, 137-103
12. Dave Labowitz, 131-109
13. Bill Denton, 130-110

This week's games don't begin until Saturday at 8pm EST, so I'll need your last week's picks (WHAAA!!!) by then. Only one more week to go folks. The race for second place is on so don't send 'em in late this week! I'll post the Week 17 schedule later today.

Tuesday, December 19, 2006


Living in Philadelphia, I'm legally obligated to show you this picture.

Well, its the Christmas season, which means only one thing: the NFL schedule is getting weirder and weirder. Not content to confuse us with Thursday night football (which nobody can actually watch anyway), Saturday night football, regular Sunday afternoon football, Sunday night football, and then Monday night football, the NFL has added... well, they've added more Monday night football. Monday afternoon football, actually, which, if you live on the west coast, is almost Monday morning football.


I don't feel better now.

Send in your picks because the NFL week could start at any moment! (I believe the official start date is 8pm, EST, this Thursday, 12/21.) Here's this week's games.
Minnesota at Green Bay
Kansas City at Oakland
Baltimore at Pittsburgh
Carolina at Atlanta
Chicago at Detroit
Indianapolis at Houston
New England at Jacksonville
New Orleans at NY "If it weren't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college." Giants
Tampa Bay at Cleveland
Tennessee at Buffalo
Washington at St Louis
Arizona at San Francisco
Cincinnati at Denver
San Diego at Seattle
Philadelphia at Dallas
NY Jets at Miami (plus total points)

Monday, December 18, 2006

Standings: WEEK 15

"Hey! Stop clogging those bases!"

Week 15 is now in the books, and with it another win for Joshu (for more information on this exciting development, scroll down to the Week 15 Update below). So congrats Joshu blah blah blah... Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...wha...huh? Where am I...? Oh! Right, Week 15. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

So, yeah, heres the standings for the week that just was:
1. Joshu Shih, 13-3
2. Karl Vaillancourt, 11-5
Joey, Bansen, 11-5
Jon Stover, 11-5
5. George Smith, 10-6
Matthew Mariam, 10-6
Andy Harris, 10-6
Matthew Kory, 10-6
9. Bill Denton, 9-7
Zack Klein, 9-7
Scott Rozsa, 9-7
12. Dave Labowitz, 8-8
Sandy Kory, 8-8
With only two weeks to go, the overall year-to-date standings look like this:
1. Joshu Shih, 140-84
2. Joey Bansen, 138-86
3. Jon Stover, 136-88
4. Andy Harris, 135-89
Matthew Kory 135-89
6. Sandy Kory, 134-90
7. Zack Klein, 133-91
8. Matthew Mariam, 132-92
Scott Rozsa, 132-92
Karl Vaillancourt, 132-92
11. George Smith, 128-96
12. Bill Denton, 124-100
13. Dave Labowitz, 117- 107
Two weeks to go. Thursday Night Football again this week, so please get me your picks by game time (8pm EST) on Thursday night.

Week 15: Update!

How'd ya like to be that stick?

So, we've got one more game left in Week 15, but while that will play a role in the overall standings, it don't mean squat this week. Thats right, Gents, we have a winner already. And for the fifteenth week in a row, it ain't me! The winner is, in fact, Joshu Shih, who is threatening to just kick our collective ass and then shove our face up it for good measure.


In any case, I just wanted to say congrats Joshu, and don't forget to tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion to Week 15: By How Much Will We All Lose to Joshu?

Also tomorrow, up to date Yearly Standings! Find out what you have to do to win $280-something bucks in two weeks!

Monday, December 11, 2006




Mr. Pickles

Recently got a new cat. I've had a cat for the past eight years. Alee [top] is small, but ferocious. Well, OK, she's not ferocious, but she makes up for it by sleeping a lot. Her life was one huge nap punctuated by occasional eating and pooping. That is, until Mr. Pickles came on the scene. Mr. Pickles [below] is a hard Philly cat from the mean streets. He doesn't take crap from anyone. Also, he likes to play with string.

After moving in, Mr. Pickles wasted no time drinking Alee's water and eating her food. This lasted for two weeks. I though Alee was just going to take it. But, Alee is nobody's bitch. Certainly not to anyone named Mr. Pickles. Alee waited until the time was right, and I wasn't there. I was walking to class and talking on the phone with my fiance, when there was a loud "MEADOUJALDHF'ALDSF'AEJKF'LD!" in the background. My fiance maintained her cool. "AAAAHHHHHH", she said. "Alee is beating up Mr. Pickles!" At this point, for reasons that are still unclear to me, I turned into a pimp. "Dats riiiight," I said. While the pimp is away, the cats will kick the crap out of each other (apparently).

Things are different now back at the household. Much like the Union Army, Alee hasn't pressed her advantage. She is content to stay upstairs, especially since thats where her food is. Mr. Pickles stays downstairs. Occasionally they'll see each other up the stairway and hiss at one another. But basically we have cat détente at the Kory household. Personally, I think this is the calm before the storm, but then I thought the Redskins would make the playoffs, so what do I know?

So, you might be thinking, what does this have to do with football?

The answer is, nothing. Nothing at all. Here is the slate for Week 15:
San Francisco at Seattle
Dallas at Atlanta
Cleveland at Baltimore
Detroit at Green Bay
Houston at New England
Jacksonville at Tennessee
Miami at Buffalo
NY Jets at Minnesota
Philadelphia at NY "Turtles, Slow But Built To Last" Giants
Pittsburgh at Carolina
Tampa Bay at Chicago
Washington at New Orleans
Denver at Arizona
Kansas City at San Diego
St Louis at Oakland
Cincinnati at Indianapolis (plus total points)
Remember, peeps, I need all your picks by the start of the first game (Thursday, 8pm EST) if you are going to be eligible for the weekly money. Have a great week.


"Cummerbunds be bad, yo."

Week 14 is finally over. Wheew... what a relief. Its time to crown the winner, and in the interest of time and my waning sanity, here it is:
1. Andy Harris*, 11-5
2. Zack Klein, 10-6
2. Joshu Shih, 10-6
2. Matthew Kory, 10-6
5. George Smith, 7-9
5. Joey Bansen*, 7-9
5. Dave Labowitz, 7-9
5. Karl Vaillancourt*, 7-9
5. Bill Denton*, 7-9
5. Scott Rozsa, 7-9
5. Matthew Mariam, 7-9
12. Jon Stover, 6-10
13. Sandy Kory, 6-10
The little star means that I received your picks too late for you to be eligible for the weekly prize. This means that the winner of Week 14 came down to total points between the three second place finishers. I picked 21 points, Joshu picked 35 points and Zack picked 36. The total points scored went over 36 which means that the winner is Zack Klein! Congrats to Zack! You thief!

The overall standings changed a lot this week. We had a couple people at the top take a tumble and fall back to the pack. A few in the pack picked up the pace a bit and are now in the hunt. For the most part its a jumble up at the top. Should be an exciting three weeks left. So, the overall standings now look like this:
1. Joshu Shih, 127-81
1. Joey Bansen, 127-81
3. Sandy Kory, 126-82
4. Matthew Kory, 125-83
4. Jon Stover, 125-83
4. Andy Harris, 125-83
7. Zack Klein, 124-84
8. Scott Rozsa, 123-85
9. Matthew Mariam, 122-86
10. Karl Vaillancourt, 121-87
11. George Smith, 118-90
12. Bill Denton, 115-93
13. Dave Labowitz, 109-99
Unlike the weekly prizes, I did not devise a tie-breaker for the final first and second place prizes. So, if you finish tied with someone(s?) at the end of the season, I'll split the money equally for all those that finished tied at that spot.

Two quick reminders:

1) Next week's games start on Thursday night as well, so don't forget to send in your picks. Send them in early if you need to.

2) Here's the prize money we're playing for, just to whet yr collective appetites:

1st Place Overall: $286
2nd Place Overall: $130

This ain't Vegas, but thats still a hefty chunch of change. Think of all the blow you could buy with that, eh? Check back at the end of the day when I post the schedule for Week 15 as well as brightening your day with more witty commentary. Toodles!


"Duuh... huh?"

Its that time of year again!

You mean the Christmas season, Matt?

No, italicized voice in my head.

Oh, you must mean you're busy with finals.

You must be the dumbest italicized voice ever! No, its the time of year where I sabotage my grades, my friendships, and my relationship to watch a football team utterly devoid of all hope; a football team so bad that they can completely dominate an opponent on both sides of the ball and, through sheer force of will, lose.

So, heres the update for Week 14:

There are three people in contention for the Weekly Standard Prize. Those people are:
Zack Klein (9 wins)
Joshu Shih (9 wins)
Me!! (9 wins)
Everyone picked Chicago (and rightly so) for the Monday nighter, so it'll come down tototal points. Remember, its the total points without going over. If everyone goes over its the person who comes closest. So here are our guesses for the total points scored tonight:
Matt: 21
Joshu: 35
Zack: 36
Yes, thats right, Joshu's F'd. Oh well, it was a good try, buddy. Better luck next week. I'll be back tomorrow with the Week 14 wrap up and the updated total standings. We had some people make a run at the top this week, so things are tightening up for the stretch run.

Mmmm... runs...

Thursday, December 07, 2006

Mark Maske Can't Pick The Games Very Well At All

Seen this before, Bill?

Just a quick note, the Washington Post's NFL writer, Mark Maske, picks all the winners of each game each week, just as we do. Guess where he'd rank if he was in our little pool here?


Thats right, 12th place. And he gets paid for his crapitude. His record is 110-82. That means that eleven of us are better at doing his job than he is. Yay, we're better than him! Ha ha! Except Dave Labowitz, who, quite frankly, stopped trying somewhere around Week 6. Its OK, Dave. We all love you anyway.

Tuesday, December 05, 2006


"And I LOVE whores!"

Week 14 begins this Thursday at 8pm EST. Be sure to get all of your picks to me by then. Here's the slate for Week 14:
Cleveland at Pittsburgh
Atlanta at Tampa Bay
Baltimore at Kansas City
Buffalo at NY Jets
Indianapolis at Jacksonville
Minnesota at Detroit
New England at Miami
New Orleans at Dallas
NY "regifted Balsam & Cedar scented candle" Giants at Carolina
Oakland at Cincinnati
Philadelphia at Washington
Tennessee at Houston
Green Bay at San Francisco
Seattle at Arizona
Denver at San Diego
Chicago at St Louis (plus total points)


"I can't believe we lost to... Herpes?"
"After that brief and regrettable trip to the circus, I never talked to her or it again."

So, the stupid Eagles finally won something. So f'n what. Go f yrselfs, Eagles fans. The Eagles might have won, and they might still be in the playoff chase, but I've never heard an entire stadium turn on its team so quickly as the fans at the Linc did tonight. Gutless. We're with you as long as yr winning. Thats the message it sent. As soon as something bad happens, "BOOOO!! Waaah... BOOO!"

With invective like that you'd think I live in Philly... wait, I do! So, the real reason I'm pissed that the Eagles won, besides the fact that I hate the Eagles, is that now I have to change the standings. You see, yesterday, rather than write one of my term papers I decided to go through and set up my spreadsheet to see where I am in the final standings for Week 13 and the overall standings. To do that, I had to provide an outcome for the Monday Night game. So I went through and put that the Eagles lost (it seemed the most likely outcome at the time), and then wrote up the results based on that. So, now I have to go back through and change the whole damn thing. Stupid Jeff Garcia...

So, yeah, here's the final (correct and edited) edition of the Week 13 standings:
1. Matthew Mariam, 11-5
2. Andy Harris, 10-6
3. Scott Rozsa, 9-7
4. Joey Bansen, 8-8
5. George Smith, 8-8
6. Jon Stover, 8-8
7. Karl Vaillancourt, 8-8
8. Bill Denton, 8-8
9. Joshu Shih, 8-8
10. Matthew Kory, 8-8
11. Zack Klein, 7-9
12. Sandy Kory, 7-9
13. Dave Labowitz 5-11
You'll notice that, for the most part, we all bit the big one this week. All except Matthew Mariam!! Congrats, Matt! I knew someone named Matt would win this week. Now, instead of you owing me $100, I owe you $4! Either that or 1/2 a cup of coffee at Starbucks, right? Anyway, we'll settle up over X-mas. Now stop winning stuff!

Not too much change in the overall standings was the result as you can see here in the updated-through-Week-13 overall standings:
1. Joey Bansen, 120-72
2. Sandy Kory, 120-72
3. Jon Stover, 119-73
4. Joshu Shih, 116-76
5. Scott Rozsa, 116-76
6. Matthew Kory, 115-77
7. Matthew Mariam, 115-77
8. Andy Harris, 114-78
9. Karl Vaillancourt, 114-78
10. Zack Klein, 114-78
11. George Smith, 111-81
12. Bill Denton, 108-84
13. Dave Labowitz, 102-90
With four weeks left, we've got a 3 way race at the top of the standings. And, ten of us peeps are within striking distance only six games back. The next four weeks should be exciting.

Week 14 will fire it up this Thursday night with the stunningly abysmally bad matchup of Cleveland at Pittsburgh. Who knows what will happen when a bad team meets... another bad team! NFL fun, thats what! Anyway, that sh*t-fest gets underway at 8pm EST, so I'll need all yr picks by then if you want to be eligible for the WSP, which I know you do (I spoke to your mother a few minutes ago and she confirmed it). I'll post the Week 14 slate tomorrow.

Monday, December 04, 2006

Apologies to WD3

So, yeah, as stated earlier, blogger changed something this past Friday, and now my browser is having all kinds of problems with it. Which is why I didn't post the preceding piece of comedic genius until it was well past its freshness date. So, an official "SORRY, EH?" to William Denton, III for this. Please scroll down and enjoy, as the hilarity rolls down your chins and into your pants, leaving only a slightly noticeable stain.

The Sunday Crap-O-Rama: Week 13

Week 13: Wang Dang Doodle

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dr. Phil has left the building!

(Seriously. He just left. He was here all day with his usual contingent of Secret Service personnel and a guy with a burrito cart.)

Anyway… Man, oh man, what fun is this? Now I can hunker down to churn out this giant chunk of horseshit after I’ve already lost a game! Viva La Thursday Football!

We’ve got an enormous, irreconcilable pissing contest going between the NFL and the nation’s cable TV providers here. While it’s true that the NFL has become the dominant pro sports league in America and has gained a huge amount of traction in markets around the world, this might not be the best season for the league to pretend it’s got some “political capital” and try to leverage it. I mean, who wants to watch this fucking horseshit? Last night’s game was such a bore that I decided to troll the ‘net for porn after the Flyers game ended.

Is there anything compelling going on in this league, with the exception of the perennially compelling Dallas Cowboys? (As the editor of Sports Illustrated often says, if you have nothing to write about, write about the Cowboys.) The league’s a wholesale Suck-O-Rama right now. There are no great teams. Even the presumptive marquee matchups, such as last week’s Bears/Pats disaster, are executed with the precision of a rusted homemade tattooing device. It’s just plain gross.

Even the teams with the best records have glaring flaws; there isn’t a single team that can’t be counted on to routinely get in its own way with dumb penalties, blown assignments, or botched clock management. The Colts are thriving based almost exclusively on a preternatural tendency for opposing kickers to shank field goals. The Bears have a dominant defense but a quarterback who looks like Fran Tarkenton – right now, at age 66! Jake Delhomme has turned into a blackened Cajun pumpkin in Carolina, Denver can’t get any consistent quarterback play and has gassed its defense out of its former dominance, Seattle’s run defense and offensive line have fallen off a cliff, and the Giants are apparently the Ya-Ya Sisterhood on a futile quest for the traveling pants.

The Cowboys are playing the best football in the league right now, but they’re presently being carried by a quarterback with five career starts, they have no placekicker, and their coach has one foot in the grave and the other foot on a banana peel.

Somehow, I don’t foresee people lining up around the block to clamor for next Thursday’s Browns/Steelers tilt, either. Even if people are interested in seeing the game, when they find out it’s being called by Bryant Gumbel, they’re going to stick the NFL Network on their V-Chip.

Seriously, Bryant effing Gumbel? They couldn’t have found someone who doesn’t irritate the god-almighty batshit out of 97% of the populace? Bryant Gumbel’s Q Rating is “W.”

Man Law: If you are a man, you do not drink Miller Lite.

The next dopey “Man Law” ad needs to feature Norm Macdonald impersonating Burt Reynolds. “Yah, Turd Ferguson. [chomp chomp] It’s a funny name.”

Anyway, let’s get on to the picks, just so no one can say I’m cuttin’ an’ runnin’. I’m gonna see it through, even if it’s a poor idea from the start that’s been executed in an embarrassing fashion.

The picks this week are brought to you by TurdVision, the nation’s largest cable provider that carries the NFL Network. Move to the Poopling Pines Trailer Park in Possum Ridge, Arkansas, and enjoy TurdVision!

Baltimore at Cincinnati

-Problem with Cincinnati defense: The wrong people are in prison.

Pick: Of the teams I thought might finally give Baltimore’s offense its long-overdue comeuppance, I gotta admit I didn’t think it’d be the Bengals.

Arizona at St Louis

-Edgerrin James hoping NFL permits him to carry the ball with an open switchblade in the other hand.

-Week 1: I don’t know much of anything about the Rams and don’t much care.

-Week 13: I’ve learned something about the Rams: There’s no need for me to care.

Pick: Arizona

Atlanta at Washington

-Unconfirmed reports out of Atlanta have Michael Vick inseminating groupies under the alter-ago “Ed Paraguay.”

Pick: Coach Killa!

No, actually, I’m gonna go with Washington here.

Dallas at New York Only One Stupid Nickname A Week From Now On Giants

-In the Giants, you have a team where clearly everyone is not pulling on the same end of the rope. It’s hard to strangle your coach that way.

-Matchup between the NFL’s two greatest Leechbacks: Marion Barber (9 TDs vs. Julius Jones’ 3) and Brandon Jacobs (8 TDs vs. Tiki Barber’s 1).

Pick: How ‘bout them Cowboys?

Detroit at New England

-A mob of angry Lions fans in disguises dragged Matt Millen out into the street to execute him, but before they managed to hold him down, a random passer-by had already shot him.

Pick: New England

Indianapolis at Tennessee

-Indy wins again by 3 after Tennessee’s kicker misses a field goal. You know this is finally Peyton Manning’s year if they go on to face the Cowboys in the Super Bowl.

-Vince Young’s game management skills so far have been even more impressive than his raw skill; most fans still seem to think he’s a dumb guy, but he’s from Houston – everyone in Houston sounds like that.

Pick: Indy

Jacksonville at Miami

-Needle on the “Del Rio Meter” pointing toward “Idiot” this week. (Note: other end of gauge says “Idiot.”)

-Nick Saban, 2005: Ride players’ and assistant coaches’ asses in training camp like there’s no tomorrow and it takes them until week 10 to recover from the beating.

-Nick Saban, 2006: Ride players’ and assistant coaches’ asses in training camp like there’s no tomorrow and it takes them until week 10 to recover from the beating.


Pick: Miami

Kansas City at Cleveland

-I’m praying for more characteristically improvident decision-making by the Browns organization; maybe Romeo Crennel will be coaching the Eagles next season.

Pick: Kansas City

Minnesota at Chicago

-If you have any money burning a hole in your pocket, put it on Minnesota getting 9 points. Vikings DBs dropped approximately 5 potential interceptions the first time these teams played each other, and the Vikings have the best run defense in the NFL. If you can get a side bet on Darren Sharper’s interceptions versus Grossman’s TD passes, load up on that sumbitch as well.

Pick: Minnesota

New York Jets at Green Bay

-Ah, remember when the Packers had a home field advantage? It vanished when Ron Mexico was just a glint in our collective eye. (Note: I think Brett Favre was still around when that happened.)

Pick: Jets

San Diego at Buffalo

-Shawne Merriman is finally back off his suspension. Next week he’s going to fail a test for J.P. Losman’s bile.

-San Diego Chargers: Soon to be known as the “Toronto Football Blue Jays.”

-Buffalo Bills: Slightly later to be known as the “San Diego Football Padres.”

Pick: San Diego

San Francisco at New Orleans

-This is the televised noon game here on Sunday. Yeah. Seriously.

-No. 1 rusher in the NFC versus no. 1 total offense in the NFC. What? This?

Pick: New Orleans

Tampa Bay at Pittsburgh

-Two teams with nothing going for them except an inflated sense of self-importance.

Pick: Pittsburgh

Houston at Oakland

-Keys to Oakland success: replace completely unqualified offensive coordinator with really horrible one.

-Art Shell: he’s not just an incompetent boob, he’s also a paranoid schizophrenic.

Pick: Houston

Seattle at Denver

-Application for starting QB in Denver: question 1, “Are You John Elway?”

-Anyone buying into the hype regarding Ohio State QB Troy Smith, please note that the Seahawks already have Troy Smith: His name is Seneca Wallace.

Pick: Denver

Carolina at Philadelphia

-In a game between a mediocre team and a team that just flat-out isn’t trying, always load up on the mediocre one.

-Andy Reid’s incredible girth a nearly insurmountable setback in effigy-building.

Pick: Carolina 24-10

Note: for downtrodden Eagles fans, I bring you this:

Those were the days, huh?

OK, show’s over. ‘Till next week… don’t eat the brown acid.

Sunday, December 03, 2006


Hey gang, blogger has been being pissy, so I haven't been able to post stuff. (Hopefully this goes up.) I'm keeping track of the games and I'll post a Week 13 update soon.

Monday, November 27, 2006


"I believe I can fly!"

Remember, this week's games start on Thursday at 8pm EST (that would be the BAL/CIN game). I'll need all of your picks for the week by then if you are to be eligible for the Weekly Standard Prize, for which all of you surely would lay down your lives to win.

Here's the slate for Week 13. Good luck!
Baltimore at Cincinnati
Arizona at St Louis
Atlanta at Washington
Dallas at NY Giants
Detroit at New England
Indianapolis at Tennessee
Jacksonville at Miami
Kansas City at Cleveland
Minnesota at Chicago
NY Jets at Green Bay
San Diego at Buffalo
San Francisco at New Orleans
Tampa Bay at Pittsburgh
Houston at Oakland
Seattle at Denver
Carolina at Philadelphia (plus total points)


"As proof of my love for you, I give you my finger."

Week 12 is in the books, and its time to update you all on the standings, both for the week and for the year. First, I give you the yearly standings:

1. Sandy Kory, 113-63
2. Joey Bansen, 112-64
3. Jon Stover, 111-65
4. Joshu Shih, 109-67
5. Scott Rosza, 107-69
5. Matthew Kory, 107-69
5. Zack Klein, 107-69
8. Karl Vaillancourt, 106-70
9. Andy Harris, 104-72
9. Matthew Mariam, 104-72
11. George Smith, 103-73
12. Bill Denton, 100-76
13. Dave Labowitz, 97-79

The winner for Week 12 came down to two things: 1) Monday Night points, and 2) my incompetence. Fortunately for me, you guys remain vigilant and can cover up my mistakes, and I'm thankful for that. So, without further poo-poo, the final standings for Week 12 look thusly:

1A. Karl Vaillancourt, 13-3 (54 points)
1B. Joshu Shih, 13-3 (45 points)
1C. Sandy Kory, 13-3 (43 points)
1D. Jon Stover, 13-3 (17 points)
4. George Smith, 12-4
4. Bill Denton, 12-4
4. Scott Rozsa, 12-4
4. Andy Harris, 12-4
9. Joey Bansen, 11-5
9. Matthew Kory, 11-5
11. Zack Klein, 10-6
12. Dave Labowitz, 9-7
13. Matthew Mariam, 9-7

Yes, Week 12 came down to total points, because four of you kicked ass this week (as opposed to the Steelers who go their ass kicked) and won 13 games. The Seahawks and Packers totaled 58 points on Monday Night, and this makes Karl Vaillancourt the winner for the first time since Week 1. Karl, who must think I hate him after the way he's won these two weeks, (for the record, I don't hate you Karl), is this week's big weiner! Congratulations, Karl! You win the Weekly Standard Prize of $52. Stay tuned for the schedule for Week 13, coming soon!

Thursday, November 23, 2006

The Thursday Crap-O-Rama?

Week 12: I’m Ron Burgundy?

Welp, the window’s closed. Thud. The Eagles have become an absolutely hopeless cause for at least the next 18 months, and I have no idea what to do with myself. It’s been a while since it’s been like this.

It’s an odd feeling, knowing your team is going to completely bottom out but hasn’t done it yet. It’s going to get worse before it gets better. The culture’s gotta change. The centerpieces have rotted. Insert empty clichés here. As always, please try to mix your metaphors as clumsily as possible.

It’s 1983 all over again, except with Andy Reid in an unprecedented dual role: half of him is playing the outward-bound Dick Vermeil and the other 200 pounds of shit is playing the incoming Marion Campbell. It took three years to ferret Campbell out of there an another two for his replacement to drag the team back to respectability. How much rope is the greatest coach in franchise history going to get? A decade? I don’t remember the coaching acumen of Tom Landry or Chuck Noll deteriorating this quickly, so, while stability of that nature is a noble goal, it’s time to stop thinking about that slice o’ pie in the sky, eh.

At least this time, the franchise has the benefit of an owner whose life savings aren’t hemorrhaging onto a blackjack table in Atlantic City, and who’s more concerned with running a good organization than selling used cars. (Note to those of you fortunate enough not to be Eagles fans: those are references to the two owners the Eagles had during the 1983-1987 period, Leonard Tose and Norman Braman, respectively. Sad, ain’t it?)

Which leads me to this:

[puts shotgun in mouth]

No, no, that’s in poor taste. Hope you’ve found some peace, Andre.

(Makes you wonder about the effects of adoration from the Philadelphia faithful, rare as it is. If we showed any affection to Mike Schmidt or Steve Carlton in their day, they’d probably be dead now. Still, I can’t believe the three biggest icons on the team of my youth are all dead. And Dexter Manley and Lawrence Taylor are still alive – as of press time, at least.)

Ah, shit, where had I led myself up there? Oh, here:

The Redskins.

(Man, that wasn’t even close to a full “sportscaster paragraph.” I’m developing a mastery of this.)

Yeah, the Redskins. Maybe Boy $nyder’s got it right after all. Sure, they’ve had only two winning seasons in the dozen-odd years he’s owned the team, but every year, he manufactures, packages, and sells hope, and as someone who’s got none of it all of the sudden, I know that’s a precious commodity. Don’t discount the value of mere hope to a fan; it’s why we have wild-card entries to the playoffs, so more fans can savor ‘em some of that precious hope.

Boy $nyder neglects the draft and the salary cap and overspends on big-name, over-the-hill players. He insulates himself with a front-office full of yes men. He squeezes every last nickel out of every imaginable revenue stream, even when they threaten to compromise his team’s competitive advantages. (See: Charging admission to practices.) But when was the last time that, at the beginning of training camp, you could look at the Redskins and say, “they have no shot whatsoever to compete for a playoff spot”?

I think Richie Petitbon was the coach the last time that happened.

At least the $kins’ organizational management theories, misguided as they may be, produce a sliver of hope every year. Maybe, just maybe, if everything breaks right and everyone stays healthy and Player X has just one more good year left in his creaky old bones, we’ll be right there at the end.

I don’t know when I’ll be able to say that about my team.

Unless I change teams. And if that were possible, it’d have already happened. Lord knows I’ve tried.

Now, let’s pick on these games until they finally can’t stand it anymore and slap me across the face with their enormous shadow-casting hand. But first, a reminder: next time you see me just lay on the ground ‘cause you dead. You a dead man, that’s all! Mind ya bidness!

Carolina at Washington
You can hope in one hand and shit in the other one, and… you know how that goes, I guess.
Pick: Carolina

Miami at Detroit
Dolphins versus Lions, aka “The Sorry Joey, Now We Realize It Was Matt Millen’s Fault All Along Bowl.”
Pick: Miami

Tampa Bay at Dallas
I am planning to attend the Cowboys’ Super Bowl parade just so I know what one looks like. Dave, let me know if you want me to send pictures.
Pick: Dallas

Denver at Kansas City
Lamar Hunt has been whining for years about the Cowboys and Lions getting exclusive Thanksgiving home games, and now he finally gets one of his own. Of course, no one will see it. He has moved on to requesting that the NFL build him a Tim Hortons in Overland Park, Kans.
Pick: Kansas City

Arizona at Minnesota
Visionary coach Brad Childress has ushered in a new paradigm of NFL football: Run the ball, stop the run, still suck ass.
Pick: Arizona

Chicago at New England
Here’s a perfect opportunity for Bill Belichick to use all the crazy defensive schemes that don’t work on Peyton Manning anymore.
Pick: New England

Cincinnati at Cleveland
Another week of hilarious taunting was cut short when Chad Johnson couldn’t remember the name of anyone who plays defensive back for the Browns.
Pick: Cincinnati

Houston at NY Jets
Two teams with atrocious defenses that will still struggle to score 17 points on each other.
Pick: Jets

Jacksonville at Buffalo
This is a regular Sunday game, which means Jack Del Rio is a moron again. Won’t hurt him in this game.
Pick: Jacksonville

New Orleans at Atlanta
The next time Michael Vick tests his 40-yard time he should do it on a 39-yard dock.
Pick: New Orleans

New York Potrzebie System of Weights and Measures Giants at Tennessee
Tom Coughlin finally figured out why Eli Manning’s passes continue to be chronically errant despite improved mechanics: He’s trying to impersonate that old McDonald’s commercial: “Off Shockey’s awesome patriotic tattoo, off the scoreboard, off the down marker, off the safety’s balls, nothing but Plax’s hands!”
Pick: New York Ralph & Rhonda Giants

Philadelphia at Indianapolis
Unfortunately NBC’s flex scheduling rights don’t allow them to put this game back where they found it and replace it something worth watching, like a Grand Prix race with all the cars driven by unmedicated epileptics.
Pick: Indianapolis

Pittsburgh at Baltimore
If Brian Billick is a fool and no one is there to prove it, is he still a fool? I say yes.
Pick: Baltimore

San Francisco at St. Louis
After getting totally humiliated on the road last week, the Rams find a way to win against a decent but beatable team. (Really, was that any less funny than any of the other horseshit I’ve written?)
Pick: St. Louis

Oakland at San Diego
San Diego scoreboard operator treated for exhaustion… Film at eleven.
Pick: San Diego

Green Bay at Seattle (plus total points)
Another exhibit of why it was a good idea for the NHL to schedule its national TV games on Monday nights.
Pick: Seattle 243, Green Bay 174

(Really, it’s not like I’m going to get enough games right to get to a tiebreaker, so I may as well predict 417 points.)

Alright, show’s over. Enjoy the turkey neck. And if you see that pinko commie Matty, don’t forget to goof on him. He hates our freedom so much that he doesn’t even eat Thanksgiving turkey!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006



Happy Turkey Day everyone, from your friends here at Around The NFL With Matty HQ (TATNFLWMHQ). Its time to celebrate the holiday by eating enough food to make third world countries sick just looking at us! And don't forget to get that Christmas shopping list ready, because we've only got so many days left to waste our disposable income buying stupid shit that people won't use! Personally, I can't wait! Also, I love exclamation points!

This week, ATNFLWM will give you a comprehensive list of the things we are thankful for. Some of them will be serious, some of them might make you cry, but all of them are guaranteed to make you throw up. Such is the power of ATNFLWM's List Making Team (ATNFLWMLMT)! But first, this week's edition of ATNFLWM is brought to you by:

Drug Stores! Remember, when Christmas eve comes around and you don't have a gift for that special someone, head to your local drug store and get them a beautiful bright green soap dish, or a yummy box of crackers, or that plastic folding chair they've always wanted! Yay, drug stores!

...and by Santa:

Santa: Don't think I wasn't looking when you did that awful thing! You'll be sorry, I swear to God!

So, this week, ATNFLWM Presents The Comprehensive List Of All The Dumb Crap That ATNFLWM Is Thankful For This Holiday Season (ATNFLWMPTCLOATDCTATNFLWMITFTHS). And, let me tell you, there are many things. So many, in fact, that you may wear your browser out just looking at them all. But, no matter. This will not stop ATNFLWM! TO THE LIST!!

ATNFLWM is thankful for...
  1. Lousy and uninformed sports announcers
  2. Corporate Welfare
  3. New Music
  4. Awesome Music
  5. Cool Ideas, even if they may never happen
  6. Pretty Islands (hey, theres no rules here)
  7. Massive Wastes of Time
  8. Oh my God is this stupid
  9. Yummy delicious Beer
  10. Bill O'Reilly
  11. Keith F'n Olbermann
  13. Reasons to live
  14. Racist Pricks having to apologize for being racist pricks on national TV
  15. Getting my first hit since College
  16. Nobody Likes Derek Jeter
  17. Real. Intelligent. Football. Commentary.
  18. Good people doing a good job.
  19. The Power of Positive Thinking
  20. Thanksgiving!
And now to the picks! But first, a reminder: these picks have not been sanitized, and as such ATNFLWM, its subsidiaries, and conglomerates, relieve themselves (on you) of any liability or VD that they may cause. And now, in deference to The Man, Happy F'n Thanksgiving, people!

Thursday, Nov 23 (first game at 12:30pm EST)
Miami at Detroit
-What did we as a society do to deserve to watch one of the worst NFL franchises over and over and over every damn Thanksgiving? I hate the Cowboys, but at least they're decent sometimes.
Pick: Miami

Tampa Bay at Dallas
-Cowboys wide receiver Terrell "Moron M. Moron" Owens planning special 'thanksgiving themed' touchdown celebration. It involves a turkey, his ass, and your imagination. Enjoy!
Pick: Dallas

Denver at Kansas City
-Jake Plummer recently named "The #1 Threat To Our Way Of Life" by Beard Illustrated
Pick: Kansas City
Sunday, Nov 26
Arizona at Minnesota
-Just when you think the Cardinals are d-o-n-e donedonedone! they go and win a game last week. Well you can expect that trend to end this week. These are, after all, the Cardinals.
Pick: Minnesota

Carolina at Washington
-With semi-rookie Jason Campbell firmly ensconced in the starting quarterback role and Mark Brunell crying in his metamucil, the Redskins have a real shot to look better when losing.
-Skins coach Joe Gibbs really looking forward to losing to a "stand up team like Carolina." Said Gibbs, "It should be a great experience. I can't wait."
Pick: Carolina

Chicago at New England
-Bill Belachick has the fashion sense of a dead slug
-I can't spell "Belichick" worth a damn
Pick: Chicago

[Editor's note: from here on in i'm not going to actually write anything funny]

Cincinnati at Cleveland
-Cleveland: Its smelly!
Pick: Cincinnati

Houston at NY Jets
-Chad Pennington has herpes!
Pick: NY Jets

Jacksonville at Buffalo
-Buffalo: the city with herpes!
Pick: Jacksonville

New Orleans at Atlanta
-not that anyone in Atlanta cares.
Pick: Atlanta

NY GONJA!! Giants at Tennessee
-Tiki Barber too much a standup guy to run over the middle.
Pick: NY Extreme Incontinence Giants

Philadelphia at Indianapolis
-The Eagles actually had 9 wins, but Andy Reid ate them. HA!
Pick: Indianapolis

Pittsburgh at Baltimore
-Apparently there is a sandwich in Pittsburgh called "the Roethlisberger" which involves mayo and a fried egg and a bunch of other shit designed to kill you.
Pick: Baltimore

San Francisco at St Louis
-49ers for real, tho.
Pick: St. Louis

Oakland at San Diego
-Raiders aren't any good! They're terrible, in fact! Not a good football team at all!
Pick: San Diego
Monday Night
Green Bay at Seattle
-Brett Favre should retire to a life of honor in southwest Mississippi.
Pick: Seattle (31)
Next Week: I don't do shit! Stay tuned!

Monday, November 20, 2006

WEEK TWELVE: Yoo can doo eet!

Look! A two-headed doggy DJ!

Some important reminders here:
  1. From here on in (with, I think, one exception) there will be games on Thursdays. So, I'll need your picks before game time on Thursday. As always, each week I'll tell you when game time is. This week, the first game is Thursday 12:30pm EST.
  2. For those of you not in the East you should probably send in your picks by the end of the day Wednesday. Either that or be prepared to do so early on Thursday morning.
  3. If someone forgets to send in their picks, or sends them in late, I'll give you the favorites for each game you're late on, but you will not be eligible to win the prize for that week.
As always, heres this week's slate of games:

Thursday, Nov 23 (first game at 12:30pm EST)
Miami at Detroit
Tampa Bay at Dallas
Denver at Kansas City
Sunday, Nov 26
Arizona at Minnesota
Carolina at Washington
Chicago at New England
Cincinnati at Cleveland
Houston at NY Jets
Jacksonville at Buffalo
New Orleans at Atlanta
NY Pooping Your Pants Is The Coolest Giants at Tennessee
Philadelphia at Indianapolis
Pittsburgh at Baltimore
San Francisco at St Louis
Oakland at San Diego
Monday Night
Green Bay at Seattle (plus total points)
Good luck and a Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.


Week 11 is in the books, and much like every other week in this glorious NFL season, I didn't win. This is nothing new of course, and hardly noteworthy, except for the fact that I'm running this damn pool and you all have to read whatever I want to write about, even if what I want to write about is me losing. So there. Dammit.

Enough crap. With MNF pretty much over (Jacksonville is stomping on the NY Lesser Mannings) we have a winner for Week 11. Actually, we had a winner yesterday because this winner ran away with the damn thing this week, as you shall soon see. So, a big MFSAFP(p!)! congratulations to:

Joshu Shih!

Congrats Joshu! You win a week at Arizona Cardinals Fantasy Camp! The fantasy part is that there are no actual Cardinals players at the camp! Yeah! Also, there is no food! Yah! No, unfortunately for you, you win the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) of $52. Heres how the rest of us did:
1. Joshu Shih, 13-3
2. Jon Stover, 12-4
3. Scott Rozsa, 11-5
4. Joey Bansen, 10-6
5. Karl Vaillancourt, 9-7
5. Sandy Kory, 9-7
5. Andy Harris, 9-7
5. Dave Labowitz
5. Matthew Kory, 9-7
10. Matthew Mariam, 8-8
10. William Denton, 8-8
10. Zack Klein, 8-8
13. George Smith, 7-9
This week marks an impressive milestone here at MFSAFP(p!)!: the 100 win barrier. We have two players who have reached or exceeded that mark, so congratulations to you bastards as well. Heres how we're stacking up after 11 hot wet weeks of hot wet NFL guessing action:
1. Joey Bansen, 101-59
2. Sandy Kory, 100-60
3. Jon Stover, 98-62
4. Zack Klein, 97-63
5. Matthew Kory, 96-64
5. Joshu Shih, 96-64
7. Matthew Mariam, 95-65
7. Scott Rozsa, 95-65
9. Karl Vaillancourt, 93-67
10. Andy Harris, 92-68
11. George Smith, 91-69
12. William Denton, 88-72
13. Dave Labowitz, 88-72
Remember, this week (Week 12) starts this Thursday at 12:30pm EST. I'll post the matchups soon. Don't forget to send in yr picks early this week. As always, good luck!

Saturday, November 18, 2006



Welcome to Week 11 on Around The NFL With Matty (ATNFLWM). There will be little actual football content today, because "Matty" is in a great amount of pain after playing football a little too seriously with some people who are much younger and in much better shape than he is. Uh, ow? "Matty" should probably know better, but sadly, he does not. In fact, he does not to such an extent, that this is the third week in a row he's made the same mistake. This is akin to drinking bleach, throwing up, drinking bleach, throwing up, and then thinking, "hmm... ya know what I'd like to do? Drink some bleach! That stuffs yummy!"

As a result, this ridiculous screed, as my counterpart Billie MF'n Smalls likes to call it, is written in a prone position on a couch covered by cat poop. The first part I've covered above. These second is because "Matty" decided that before he goes out and gets his ass kicked by younger athletic-looking people, he should make sure that when he comes home he'll be able to obtain comfort by interjecting himself into the middle of a good old fashioned cat fight. Nothing makes one feel more at home, comforted, and safe than two cats attempting to claw the crap out of each other.

So, not only has "Matty" essentially rendered himself immobile thanks to what the young people call "running" but he gets to further his injuries by playing cat goalie when he comes home. Cat goalie, for those of you who's lives have not been touched by the animals, is when a cat wants to go into a room and you, for some reason, do not want the cat to do so. There are many reasons one must play cat goalie. For instance, there could be a birthday cake in the other room that the cat wants to eat the icing off of it. (Note: this actually happened to me when I was ten.) There could be an open toilet filled with fecal matter that the cat wants to jump into (this, also, has actually happened). Or, such as in this case, there could be another cat in the other room, who is deserving of having its innards ripped out.

In any case, you must position yourself in the doorway and crouch down with your arms out awaiting the cat, much like a hockey goalie would await a puck. This is how Cat Goalie got its name. Your job as Cat Goalie, and the point of the game, is to protect the goal or "doorway" from being entered by the puck, or "cat". This is very difficult. Possibly more so than playing actual hockey. Because, while hockey pucks can reach high rates of speed, they don't have claws. Or teeth. Also, they don't, when landing on your face, propel themselves off of you by gripping your eyes with their claws and then launching themselves through the goal, or doorway. Another advantage to playing actual goalie, is that it is unlikely that the puck would decide to poop on your couch.

As always, ATNFLWM is sponsored by:

Chevrolet: Building cars sized proportionally to the cost of gas. Chevy says, "Suck it up, bitches!"

and by: Jo Mama!

And now, because I ain't feel'n it:


As always, in deference to The Man, all picks have been sterilized for your protection. Should the seal be broken, please mail the pick, the receipt for said pick, the seal, a picture of a southern blue-nosed seal, an actual southern blue-nosed seal, a goat, your neighbor's '98 VW Beetle, and another goat, to the address provided.

Atlanta @ Baltimore
-Anyone have any idea if Michael Vick is going to bother to try this week? The man breaks down with the frequency of my neighbor's '84 Saab, a car my fiance has affectionately nicknamed "the shitbox."
Pick: Baltimore

Buffalo @ Houston
That is all.
Pick: Buffalo

-The only thing that can stop the Bears this year is themselves... well, that and a tanker truck driven by George Allen's political career.
Pick: Chicago

Cincinnati @ New Orleans
-A lack of hotel rooms in New Orleans thanks to Hurricane Katrina has caused a change in schedule. The Bengals will now play the Houston Texans instead.
Pick: New Orleans

Indianapolis @ Dallas
-Lots of people jumping on the Dallas bandwagon here. Well, we here at ATNFLWM would like to remind you folks who yr putting yr money on. The Dallas Cowboys:
  1. ...are coached by a man with bigger breasts than anyone I've ever dated.
  2. ...have a star receiver who's idea of working out involves fatigues, a driveway, and about 100 members of the fourth estate.
  3. ...have a quarterback named Tony Homo. Apparently.
  4. players have collectively done enough cocaine to destroy an entire herd of livestock.
  5. ...have an owner who's face, thanks to the wonder of plastic surgery, is completely unable to express emotion.
Pick: Indianapolis

Minnesota @ Miami
-You know how old Brad Johnson is? His face is on the money he gets paid with.
Pick: Miami

New England @ Green Bay
-Can the Patriots lose three in a row? Well, let me answer that question with another question. Can my new cat crap on my couch?
Pick: New England

Oakland @ Kansas City
-The only way to make the Raiders worse is for Al Davis to marry Dan Snyder.
Pick: Kansas City

Pittsburgh at Cleveland
-What are the chances that Bill Cowher ends up coaching the Cleveland Browns next season? Eh?!? EH HEH!? EHHHH!?!?!?.... uh... mm... nevermind.
Pick: Pittsburgh

St Louis at Carolina
-The Rams just aren't fun anymore now that Mike Martz is gone. Which brings me to the Around The NFL With Matty Mike Martz Is Crazy Joke Of The Day (Sponsored by Quiznos)! (ATNFLWMMMICJOTD(SBQ)!)
Q: Whats red and white and yellow all over?
A: Mike Martz after breaking into a pet store (that was open anyway) and eating a parakeet.
Pick: Carolina

Tennessee at Philadelphia
-Andy Reid got his own TV show here in Philly. Its called, "Eating with Andy Reid." Theres no dialog, just chewing. Also, there was a guest host, but Andy ate him.
Pick: Philadelphia

Washington at Tampa Bay
-The Redskins best chance to win this game: Let the Bucs score and then hope that the ensuing cannon shot takes out their defense.
Pick: Washington

Detroit at Arizona
-The Arizona Cardinals: The Sucking Chest Wound Of Sports
Pick: Detroit

Seattle at San Francisco
-If the 49ers disbanded tomorrow, would any other team sign any of their players? OK, OK, besides the Redskins, I mean.
Pick: Seattle

San Diego at Denver
-Theres nothing funny about this game. Move on, people.
Pick: San Diego

NY Paternity Suit Giants at Jacksonville
-Tom Coughlin employs a group of midgets full-time to race small cars on a small track in the basement of his home for his own amusement. Discuss.
Pick: NY "He had come a long way to this blue lawn, and his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it." Giants (33)

Next Week: I practice the ancient art of turd launching. Stay tuned!

The Sunday Crap-O-Rama: Week 11

Week 11: “Hey man, want some corn?”

My ineptitude has clearly reached carrying capacity. There’s no way for me to claw my way to the top of the standings in the remaining weeks, so I’m going to offer some transparency this week as a cry for help.

This week, instead of telling you that I saw Jack Del Rio throwing his own feces or that Brian Billick masturbates in front of a mirror, I’m going to develop a lucid rationale for predicting a winner in each game and then clearly explain it to you, the hopelessly lost reader.

(Note: this week I am writing the introduction – this part – before writing the picks section, so I am yet unsure what I will write about the individual games. However, it should be noted that my pseudo-academic dissertations on this week’s matchups may be much funnier than the things I normally write with the intent of making someone laugh.)

Then, after the games have been played, there will be a decisive record on the mindset that led me to predict the wrong outcome in approximately 75% of them. And I freely invite any recommendations and admonishments, as long as you don’t talk about my momma.

If this drastic step doesn’t lead to some tangible improvements in my NFL prognostication skills, I will have to admit that either (1) NFL results are essentially as random as the roll of a die, or (2) my once sharp mind has atrophied to such an extent that its capacity is not dissimilar to that of a large gourd, and that perhaps I would be well served to attach strings to my teeth so someone could play my head like an African kora.

Now, onward and further downward with the picks. But first, a reminder that tha Dirt Dog is not one to be fucked wiff.

Also: R.I.P. Vincent Edward “Bo” Schembechler.

Atlanta at Baltimore
Atlanta’s defensive injuries have clearly taken a toll, the raw numbers bear out that their running game isn’t close to where it was last year (has Dunn finally hit the wall… in a contract year?), and the game’s in Baltimore. Pretty easy.
Pick: Bawlmer

Buffalo at Houston
Both of these teams have awful records, but are moving in opposite directions. Houston’s defense appears to be improving significantly, and they’ve recently had some close losses and a win at Jacksonville. Buffalo’s offense hasn’t been able to get out of its own way in weeks, and J.P. Losman looks terrible. Plus, the game’s in Houston. Again, pretty easy.
Pick: Houston

Chicago at New York Jets
The Jets have been playing over their heads, but I can’t imagine they can beat the Bears unless Rex Grossman totally stinks up the place.
Pick: Chicago

Cincinnati at New Orleans
Cincinnati has regressed in too many ways to count, partially because of injuries. The O-line and linebackers are all shot to hell and both cornerbacks seem to have regressed. New Orleans has had a sharp, consistent, relatively mistake-free offense, and now has en estimable home-field advantage.
Pick: New Orleans

Indianapolis at Dallas
Many writers and pundits are picking the Cowboys to win this game based on the rationale that the Colts just gotta lose sometime. That doesn’t wash. The Colts have problems with 3-4 defenses, but generally teams run that defense because they’ve got players who suit it (or in the case of the Chargers, because they have a defensive coordinator who’s mastered it); the Cowboys, however, pulled the decision to run a 3-4 directly out of The CarTuna’s enormous ass. And now Greg Ellis is out for the season. Although Dallas’ cornerbacks are excellent, I think Peyton Manning can carve up the safeties and the Cowboys won’t be able to get enough pressure on Manning.
Pick: Colts.

Minnesota at Miami
Minnesota is moving backwards in a hurry. Brad Johnson is turning the ball over, their O-line isn’t anywhere near as good as most people thought it’d be, and they’re not running the ball well. Meanwhile, Miami has finally sorted out its offensive line, which is allowing Ronnie Brown to put up the type of numbers his skills would indicate. (Seriously. He’s really good.) However, the Vikings have a great run defense. (Take the under.) I’m figuring Miami’s defense will be able to force a couple turnovers and squeak one out at home.
Pick: Miami

New England at Green Bay
It’s very tempting to pick Green Bay here, as they have shown a huge amount of improvement in their offensive line and defensive front seven since the start of the season, but I just can’t imagine that the Pats would lose three in a row and imperil their division lead. Then again, I wrote just a week ago that Bill Belichick has lost his mind.
Pick: New England

Oakland at Kansas City
Oakland has a legendarily bad offense, no matter who is at QB. Kansas City is only gonna need about 7 points here, and I figure Larry Johnson’s good for that, even with Tony Gonzalez out. Welcome back, Trent Green.
Pick: Kansas City

Pittsburgh at Cleveland
I’m really feeling an upset here. Pittsburgh was a Saints fumble away from overtime last week, Polamalu is out and the rest of their secondary has been weak this year, they’re not getting anywhere near the pass rush they were getting last year, and their offensive line is looking old all of a sudden. However, Charlie Frye still stinks, Cleveland’s top umpteen cornerbacks are all injured, and Pittsburgh is playing with a general intensity level that would suggest they still have a chance to make the playoffs.
Pick: Pittsburgh

St Louis at Carolina
Rams go boom. Good luck carried them for the first few weeks, but now it’s obvious they have no defense whatsoever, and it’s tough to roll with the Rams on the road, even though they’re not the same stereotypical “dome team” they used to be.
Pick: Carolina

Tennessee at Philadelphia
Check the NFL statistical rankings: Philadelphia, first in everything; Tennessee, last in everything. (Note: I’m oversimplifying things a little.)
Pick: Philadelphia

Washington at Tampa Bay
Welcome to the NFL, Jason Campbell. Have fun without Clinton Portis and Santana Moss. Still, this is yet another “inadvertent rebuilding year” for the Bucs, and they’re just totally wretched. Gradkowski has been horrible the past couple of games. I’m thinking the Skins empty the chamber to get a win in Campbell’s first start. They can still pound the ball with Betts and Duckett.
Pick: Washington

Detroit at Arizona
If not for some defensive injuries, the Lions would be looking like a pretty decent team right now. Jon Kitna has a somewhat reasonable chance to throw for 4,000 yards this season. Arizona just has absolutely nothing going for it right now.
Pick: Detroit

Seattle at San Francisco
San Francisco is making some strides on defense now, but Seattle is just a much better team. It doesn’t even matter how healthy Shaun Alexander is. Maurice Morris has turned out to be OK.
Pick: Seattle

San Diego at Denver
San Diego -- and specifically LaDainian Tomlinson -- has always had a huge amount of difficulty playing in Denver. And they’ve gotta be spent after last week’s frantic comeback. I’m not liking Denver’s running game right now with Tatum Bell banged up, but Merriman and Castillo are still out for San Diego, and it’s usually a good idea to go with Denver at home.
Pick: Denver

New York Turds Double Turds Double Farts Giants at Jacksonville (plus total points)
For some reason, coach/simpleton Jack Del Rio always has his team playing at a high level in national TV games, which is pretty much the opposite of the Giants (see last week’s El Foldo against the Bears). Despite a ton of injuries, the Jax defense has been playing well, and they’ve gotta be sore after getting beaten by Houston. (Remember, the last time they were coming off a Houston loss, their defense totally neutered the Eagles.)
Pick: Jacksonville, 17-11 or thereabouts

Tuesday, November 14, 2006


Wrong Jason Campbell

Week 11 a-looks a-like a-this:
Atlanta at Baltimore
Buffalo at Houston
Chicago at NY Jets
Cincinnati at New Orleans
Indianapolis at Dallas
Minnesota at Miami
New England at Green Bay
Oakland at Kansas City
Pittsburgh at Cleveland
St Louis at Carolina
Tennessee at Philadelphia
Washington at Tampa Bay
Detroit at Arizona
Seattle at San Francisco
San Diego at Denver
NY Paternity Suit Giants at Jacksonville (plus total points)
As always, send your picks by gametime Sunday 1pm EST to Goooooood luck!

Monday, November 13, 2006


Looks like hockey season again in DC

Well, Week 10 has come to a close. We're moving down the homestretch people. Week 10 was particularly exciting, as it came down to total points. I didn't hang around last night to watch the crapfest, but I hear tell that Carolina defeated Tampa Bay 24-10. If you read the Week 10 Update, that means that...


Congratulations, George! Everyone here at UPenn is proud of you. For besting everyone in the pool in Week 10 you win a Genuine University of Pennsylvania Ben Franklin statue! Just don't leave it lying around on a bench somewhere or someone could steal it (and then give it away in a ridiculous on-line football pool)!

No, unfortunately, you only win the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) of $52, which means that now a full .000000000027% of your tuition is paid off!

The final standings for Week 10 look like this:
10-6 George
10-6 Sandy
10-6 Matthew K
10-6 Jon
9-7 Joshu
9-7 Joey
9-7 Matthew M
9-7 Zack
9-7 Karl
8-8 Scott
8-8 Dave
8-8 Bill
So the cumulative standings look like this:
1. Sandy 91-54
1. Joey 91-54
3. Zack 89-56
4. Matthew K 87-58
4. Matthew M 87-58
6. Jon 86-59
7. George 84-61
7. Karl 84-61
9. Scott 84-61
10. Joshu 83-62
10. Andy 83-62
12. Bill 80-65
13. Dave 79-66
I'll post Week 11 later today or tomorrow. Also, beginning in Week 12 there will be games on Thursday nights, which means I'll need your picks in by then. I'll remind everyone again, of course, so consider this a heads up.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

WEEK 10 UPDATE: Close Is Only in Horseshoes and Hand Grenades


First, apologies for not posting anything hilarious this week. My friend and colleague Bill managed a good effort and all y'all hoes should scroll down and read up.

Second, my Redskins suck. I'm pretty pissed about it, but really, what can you do. Aside from buy a new TV, I mean.

Third, Week 10 is coming down to the wire, and I thought y'all should know about it. Here's whats up:

We've got a four-way tie for first. Everyone picked Carolina to win on Monday night, so it'll come down to total points. Remember, the person who guesses the total points closest to the actual amount without going over wins. If everyone goes over then the person closest gets the dough. Here's the four peeps who stand to earn some dough, their wins on the week, and their predicted Monday Night point total:
George, 9 wins, 31 points
Jon, 9 wins, 30 points
Sandy, 9 wins, 20 points
Me, 9 wins, 17 points
Good luck!

Friday, November 10, 2006

The Sunday Crap-O-Rama: Week 10

Week 10: I’mo Wax Politic

First, let’s get it started with some half-assed punditry, which is brought to you by Nigga Please cereal.

Obviously, the pendulum-shifting of Tuesday’s elections is a great cause for celebration for people who still obstinately cling to the notion of Democracy in this country, but let’s not believe the Democrats will somehow cure all society’s newfound ills.

(That’s what the terrorists want you to do! Oh, wait… I guess those jokes aren’t any good anymore.)

Not only has this election given rise to a great deal of social conservatives, who’d likely have run as Republicans before 1994, the Democrats, at base, are a disorganized, ragtag group of opportunists like they have always been. Furthermore, still, to borrow a phrase from the immortal Bill Hicks, “the same guy is holding both puppets.”

However, while it would be a stretch to paint this election as a widespread repudiation of Conservative principles – as there is little Conservative about an administration as fiscally irresponsible and politically radical as this one – it is certainly a repudiation of the means used to achieve the administration’s ends, whatever they may have been.

For a liberal in Texas, after four years of things appearing to be bad and turning out to be even worse, there is finally some degree of hope that not all Americans are turning out to the polls to champion the virtues of a cynical government whose justification for every stratagem is simply that no one can prevent them from doing it. Regardless of whether the well-being of the average American improves in the next few years, at least there’s now some tangible evidence that the populace is not asleep at the switch, and that most people do in fact reject a government that rules in bad faith.

Even here in Texas, which is to Democracy what Willie Mays’ glove was to fly balls, there’s an unmistakable message to be gleaned from the election results. Republicans have been so firmly entrenched here for such a long duration of time that the Democrats didn’t even bother to put together a reasonable campaign for Chris Bell for governor, such that most Texans wouldn’t have been able to differentiate Bell from an armoire until about two weeks before the election. However, Bell finished a mere nine percentage points behind Bush Dynasty Protégé Rick Perry, a/k/a “Governor Goodhair” – with 30% of the vote – with two independent candidates carrying a further 29%. Any effort whatsoever on behalf of the dispirited Texas Democrats, and Perry would be bouncing on his keister right down the steps of the Governor’s Mansion. Once in a blue moon – the same frequency at which Randy Moss reportedly indulges in marijuana – the situation is actually better than you’d expected it to be. Sometimes it’s so much better that you aren’t even prepared for it, as was the case for the Texas Democrats.

Alright, enough of that. Let’s talk ball, you dirty whores!

News bulletin: Bill Belichick has lost his mind. It’s still retrievable, but it’s slipping away.

All last week here at Crap-O-Rama Central HQ, we were predicting that not only would New England throttle the Colts last Sunday, but they’d do it while ignoring the path of least resistance – running the ball – and rather try to show up Peyton Manning and Tony Dungy by beating them with their passing game. As it turned out – and this is a rarity with the simultaneously half-baked and overdone theories trumpeted from these quarters – we had Belichick pegged perfectly. His team set out to embarrass the Colts, not simply beat them.

And it backfired. It backfired like that time I got back to my pew after communion and lit up a Cohiba with the missal.

Hoo fuckin’ boy, did it ever backfire. And it reminded me of the coach at whose eternal detriment Belichick staked his reputation by defeating him in Super Bowl XXXVI: Mike Martz. At a certain point, Martz apparently forsook the goal of his team beating its opponent in favor of proving that he was a superior coach to the other team’s coach, ie, instead of to win, the goal was to win My Way.

And it didn’t take long for the yawning jaws of madness to swallow Martz right up and his team to descend into the ranks of the mediocre. The beast is getting hungry again, and it’s worth watching whether Belichick decides to stuff a sprig of parsley in his pocket and wait to be sucked up like an oyster on the halfshell.

Unlike Martz, there’s nothing left for Belichick to prove as a coach. However, if his apparent disdain for the Colts continues to influence his coaching decisions, his future doesn’t appear half as bright as that garish hoodie he was sporting on the sidelines. As Rodney Harrison continues to bleat that no one respects the Patriots, his own coach showed a tangible lack of respect for the Colts and got his ass handed to him for it. How about that, eh?

(Of course, Andy Reid is much closer than Belichick to falling over the cliff Martz went over, and pending this week’s results, the beast’s hunger may be satiated for quite a while after it devours his enormous cheeseburger-sodden ass.)

Now, let’s get to the picks. But first, a reminder: “Shut your hole before I kick your balls out your ass!”

As always, a gentle prod that these picks should not be used as the basis to foster an addiction to losing all your money gambling on NFL games and ending up lurking in the bushes behind your local Catholic church hoping to snare $20 from a priest in exchange for a blumpkin in the rectory washroom.

Buffalo at Indianapolis
-An emergency forced me to start J.P. Losman at quarterback for my fantasy team last week. The result? Check the Bills’ record.
Pick: Indianapolis

NY Jets at New England
-Why did Belichick break out the new bright-red hoodie for last Sunday’s game? Eric Mangini ate the old one.
-Mangini’s ill-conceived use of 3-4 defensive alignment shows he absorbed his mentor’s insanity rather than his brilliance.
Pick: New England

Baltimore at Tennessee
-Cowboys fans often pine for the days before the salary cap when a team could build a dynasty, and I usually vehemently disagree, but I do miss those days for this reason: when a team is in serious need of a severe beatdown, there’s almost no one left who can give it to them. The Ravens are begging the Football Gods to be smoten, with Brian Billick’s self-congratulation and Ray Lewis’ condemnation of the Titans’ “racism” in jettisoning Steve McNair in favor of… um… another black quarterback. But when will they get their comeuppance – in the goddamn Super Bowl?
Pick: Another week of insufferable antics from the Ravens

Cleveland at Atlanta
-Addition by subtraction: Browns still a horrible football team, but only need to see Antonio Bryant’s ass anymore when playing the 49ers.

Pick: Atlanta

Houston at Jacksonville
-Here’s the other team that, like Baltimore, needs a severe ass-kicking and sure as hell won’t get it this week.
-Jack del Rio is so noncommunicative with his players, Byron Leftwich found out he’d been benched when he was told by Bill Belichick.
Pick: Jacksonville – Keep choppin’ wood!

Kansas City at Miami
-If you could combine the second halves of Nick Saban’s Dolphins seasons with the first half of Jimmy Johnson’s, you’d have yourself a Super Bowl contender.
Pick: Kansas City

New Orleans at Pittsburgh
-Bill Cowher named Man Of The Year by Empty Threat magazine.
-Two standout offensive rookies will be on display in this game: the Saints’ Marques Colston leads all rookies in catches, yards, and touchdowns, but he trails the Steelers’ Santonio Holmes in muffed punts and fumbles.
Pick: New Orleans

San Francisco at Detroit
Antonio Bryant versus Lions Offensive Line Coach Joe Cullen: It’s the Nude Ass Bowl!

Pick: Detroit

Washington at Philadelphia
-In week 3, I failed to consider that the Eagles almost always lose after beating the Cowboys. I will not fail to consider that they are 7-0 coming out of their bye week in the past 7 years.
-If this pick is wrong, you might want to skip next week’s Sunday Crap-O-Rama.
Pick: Philadelphia

Dallas at Arizona
-Larry Fitzgerald is scheduled to make his return for the Cardinals this week; while we don’t know how effective he’ll be with a mangled hamstring, we do know that Roy Williams can’t cover him.
Pick: Dallas

St Louis at Seattle
-This game is the equivalent of a Republican primary in Ted Kennedy’s Senatorial district.
Pick: St. Louis

Denver at Oakland
-This game is the equivalent of the actual election.
Pick: Denver

San Diego at Cincinnati
-This game is the equivalent of the party that night at Kennedy HQ.
Pick: San Diego

Green Bay at Minnesota
-This game is the equivalent of the subsequent morning.
Pick: Green Bay

Chicago at New York Shit On A Shingle Giants
-Thankfully Plaxico Burress missed only one game; Eli Manning will no longer be throwing passes three feet over other receivers’ heads, expecting the upper 30% of Burress’ body to be there.
Pick: New York You Must Be Hung Like A Field Mouse Giants

Crap-O-Rama News Break: A recent study indicates that nearly 80% of Americans have experienced déjà vu at some time in their lives. In a related story, nearly 80% of Americans perform the self-same sequence of tasks every single day of their lives.


Tampa Bay at Carolina
-Tony Kornheiser says: Keyshawn is on my fantasy team!
-Chief Wahoo Says: Me takem dump on TV set!
Pick: Carolina 21-14

Tune in next week, when we get beaten up by Matthew Barnaby!

Until then… AMF!

Monday, November 06, 2006


As always please send your picks to by gametime, which is 1pm EST on Sunday the 12th. Here are the games for Week 10:
Baltimore at Tennessee
Buffalo at Indianapolis
Chicago at NY Giants
Cleveland at Atlanta
Green Bay at Minnesota
Houston at Jacksonville
Kansas City at Miami
New Orleans at Pittsburgh
NY Jets at New England
San Diego at Cincinnati
San Francisco at Detroit
Washington at Philadelphia
Denver at Oakland
Dallas at Arizona
St Louis at Seattle
Tampa Bay at Carolina (plus total points)

This just gets funnier and funnier...

Reporter: Coach, uh, four picks against Grossman and two fumbles, what did you see about the Bears to shut 'em down that way?

Dennis Green [standing at the podium looking dazed]: Nah, ya, we, we, ya know, we we we just, well thats about, the bears are what we thought they were. [pause] Wa-they're what we thought they were. We played them in preseason who the hell takes the third game of the preseason like its bullshit BULLSHIT. We played them in the third game everybody played three quarters THE BEARS are who we thought they were! [looks around dramatically] Thats why we took the damn field! Now [slams mic] if you wanna crown em then crown their ass! But they are who we thought they were. And we let 'em off the hook. [pause...stomps out]


Apropos of nothing

Week 9 is officially in the books, gentlemen, and we've got a little race on our hands. But first, here are the final standings for Week 9:
9-5, Joey "Not again" Bansen
8-6, Matthew "Never again" Kory
8-6, Zack "Don't call me Calvin" Klein
8-6, Scott "Wrong on Iraq, wrong for the pool" Rozsa
7-7, Matthew "Not in Iraq (anymore)" Mariam
7-7, Sandy "Front runner" Kory
7-7, Bill "Not running" Denton
7-7, George "Climbing the ladder" Smith
6-8, Joshu "Falling down the same ladder" Shih
6-8, Dave "Waiting at the bottom" Labowitz
6-8, Andy "Should've flipped a coin" Harris
5-9, Karl "Should flip a couch" Vaillancourt
4-10, Jon "Should flip off" Stover

This brings us to the yearly standings. I might remind you all that, even if you seem hopelessly out of it, we're only half way through the NFL season. All is not lost. Except for Bill Denton. He's done. You can stick a fork in 'im.

In all their glory:
1. Joey Bansen, 82-46
2. Sandy Kory, 81-47
3. Zack Klein, 80-48
4. Matthew Mariam, 78-50
5. Matthew Kory, 77-51
6. Andy Harris, 76-52
Scott Rozsa, 76-52
Jon Stover, 76-52
9. Karl Vaillancourt, 75-53
10. George Smith, 74-54
Joshu Shih, 74-54
12. Bill Denton, 72-56
13. Dave Labowitz, 71-57
I'll post the schedule for Week 10 later today or tomorrow. Have a good week, everyone.