Sunday, October 30, 2011

Week 8: Update

Another humiliating week of moist football action is mostly behind us and, at the risk of not belaboring the point enough, there are only two of you left standing. One of them is me! No, just kidding. That would be unpossible.

Right now we have two people in the Pool(poop!) with ten wins on the week. Matthew Mariam and John Weaver. There will be no Sunday Night Points (SNP) this week, peeps. No, an actual NFL game will determine the result and thus the winner of this week's Weekly Standard Prize (WSP).

Matthew Mariam picked San Diego and John Weaver picked Kansas City. So, if Kansas City wins, the John Weaver bandwagon rolls it's wooden wagon wheels up, over and potentially even through Matthew Mariam's ass. But(t)! If San Diego wins, well. Different story. If San Diego wins, Matthew Mariam's Camaro of Awesome-itude is gonna do figure 8s over John Weaver's finely coiffed locks. The damage will be exquisite. 

That's where it stands now. San Diego wins, Mariam wins. KC wins, then Weaver wins. In both scenarios, everyone else loses. Welcome, friends. Welcome.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Week 7: Results

Find your Week 8 Schedule here.

 * * *

I'm the worst Pool(poop!) runner-person ever.

Not only can't I pick football games if my testicular health depended on it, but I can't even get the posts up on time. I'm worthless, helpless, hapless, hopeless, and smelly. Especially smelly.

And so it goes, folks. Another moist week of football pick'n action has past. I hope you fucking enjoyed it. I sure as hell didn't. In addition to losing all three fantasy football matches, the Redskins got smoked and injured, and I finished near the bottom of the Pool(poop!) yet again. Then my pick-up truck broke down, my dog bit me and was then run over by a car. And there wasn't even a country-fried hick with a gee-tar anywhere nearby to write a stupid song about it. God dammit I suck.

OK, I'm done now. You'll recall the Pool(poop!) had come down to John Weaver (he all smart 'n stuff) and Christine (J-E-T-S LOSE LOSE LOSE!!) Roberts. I think she likes the Jets. I'm so, so sorry. If the total points were blah blah blah then John would win except he lost. The point total for the Monday Night game was 19 so both John and Christine were over. Christine was the closest by several miles which makes her the Big Wiener!

Congratulations, Christine! You win a big bowl of green paint and a replica Lombardi trophy. The green paint is for the next time you get to go to a Jets game (dunk yourself in it) and the Lombardi trophy is as close as you'll ever come to the real thing.

For a Redskins fan, I'm pretty mean. And dumb. Also did I mention I suck at picking football games?
So, in all seriousness, well done Christine, and congratulations. You'll shortly be receiving the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) which should be enough to buy yourself a nice Joe Namath bobble-flask.

Here are the final standings for Week 7:

1. Christine Roberts ... 10-3
1. John Weaver ... 10-3
3. Joey Bansen ... 9-4
3. Josh Money ... 9-4
5. Paddy Althoff ... 8-5
5. George Smith ... 5-5
7. Robin Wood ... 7-6
7. Matthew Mariam ... 7-6
9. Bill Denton ... 6-7
9. Jon Stover ... 6-7
9. Dave Labowitz ... 6-7
9. Adam Roy ... 6-7
9. Gedeon Mariam ... 6-7
9. Matthew Kory ... 6-7
15. Karl Vaillancourt ... 5-8
15. Zack Klein ... 5-8
17. Ryan Schultz ... 4-9
17. Sandy Kory ... 4-9

For the first time since Week 1 we have a new Fearless Leader (FL). John Weaver has surpassed Karl Vaillancourt, who turned in his first stinker of the year. Even I picked up a game on Karl. Jeez, Karl, what happened, man? Joey Bansen jumped from 6th to 3rd, while Dave Labowitz is still 3 games behind whomever the leader. ...and YOUR Current Overall Standings are...

1. John Weaver ... 74
2. Karl Vaillancourt ... 73
3. Joey Bansen ... 71
3. Dave Labowitz ... 71
5. Matthew Mariam ...69
6. Josh Money ... 68
6. Ryan Schultz ... 68
8. Zack Klein ... 67
8. Robin Woods ... 67
10. George Smith ... 66
11. Paddy Althoff ... 65
12. Christine Roberts ... 64
12. Gedeon Mariam ... 64
14. Jon Stover ... 63
14. Adam Roy ... 63
14. Sandy Kory ...63
17. Bill Denton ... 61
18. Matthew Kory ... 60

Hey, at least you know I ain't cheating, right?

Week 8: Schedule

Don't forget to wipe before sending in your picks. Week 8:

New Orleans at St. Louis
Minnesota at Carolina
Indianapolis at Tennessee
Arizona at Baltimore
Jacksonville at Houston
Miami at New York "Grotesque Over-Development" Giants
Detroit at Denver
Washington at Buffalo
Cincinnati at Seattle
Cleveland at San Francisco
New England at Pittsburgh
Dallas at Philadelphia
San Diego at Kansas City (plus total points)

Monday, October 24, 2011

Week 7: Update

First off, I should say if you totally shat the bed this week, don't feel badly. Lots of people did. Just about half the field is currently at or below .500 on the week. This was a pretty brutal week. Who picked Oakland and Tennessee to get blown the hell out? How about Detroit blowing their game? Or the Redskins to get their assess kicked? Well, maybe we should've seen that last one coming.

Of course not everyone ingested a heaping spoonful of feces. In fact, two people (yup, only two) have 10 wins on the week so far. That would be John Weaver (duh) and Christine Roberts. Both are a game up on their nearest competitors, Josh Money and Joey Bansen. Since everyone in the entire pool(poop!) and their dead great grandfather picked Baltimore to win on Monday night, Josh and Joey aren't catching Christine and John.

So, again, it's gonna come down to Monday Night Points (MNP)! And rightfully so.

Christine picked 35 and John guessed 40. Recall we play Price Is Right rules here at MFSAFP(p!)! so the one whose guess is the closest without going over wins.

So, if the total score of the Monday Night game is 39 or less, Christine will win. If it's 40 or greater, John wins. Best of luck to neither of you rat bastards.

God I suck at this.

Back later tonight or Tuesday with the Week 7 Results and your Week 8 schedule.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Week 7: Schedule

Color inside the lines, children. Here's your Week 7 Schedule:

San Diego at New York Jets
Seattle at Cleveland
Atlanta at Detroit
Chicago at Tampa Bay
Denver at Miami
Washington at Carolina
Houston at Tennessee
Pittsburgh at Arizona
Kansas City at Oakland
Green Bay at Minnesota
St. Louis at Dallas
Indianapolis at New Orleans
Baltimore at Jacksonville (plus total points)

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Week 6: Results

The only chance I have of winning this pool(poop!) is if you all contract African Butt Flu. Fortunately for you and unfortunately for me no such disease exists. Also I've been dealing with this super itchy... wait.  Never mind.

As for Week 6, well, what can we say about it that hasn't already been said of Mike Tyson. It was short, angry, and kicked my ass. About the best thing I can say about Week 6 is I don't have a face tattoo because of it. Also I've heard they've made lots of progress removing tattoos of tinkerbell on people's lower backs. I'm not saying, I'm just saying.

Week 6 proves that a good half the pool(poop!) has this thing figured out. Ten people went at least 9-4 and nobody did worse than 7-6 (you're welcome). You'll recall after Jon Stover moronically snuffed out his one game lead by betting on Minnesota to win on Sunday night, there were three of you who had a shot at the fame, the glory, the certain-to-be-inscribed-on-your-tombstone wonder that is winning the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP). That would be Jon Stover, Josh Money, and Joey Bansen. Apparently if your first name didn't begin with "J" then F off.

Since everyone picked the Jets to win (which they did), it was gonna come down to Monday Night Points (MNP). If the total points totaled under 40 then Josh Money would be this week's big wiener. The total points were 30, which when you break out your abacus (and then your dictionary to find out how to spell "abacus"), you'll realize after about 40 minutes of bead moving fun that 30 is indeed less than 40. This immutable mathematical fact makes Josh Money this week's big wiener!

Congratulations, Josh! You win two tickets to see Lance Bass's new boy band, Heart2Heart, open for some crappy UB40 cover band! (Seriously, check this shit out and tell me if these guys are serious or if this is some fucking joke.) No, sadly, Heart2Heart isn't touring now, so we'll just send you the WSP instead. Your loss assuming you like really crappy music.

Here is how Week 6 played itself out.

1. Josh Money ... 11-2
1. Jon Stover ... 11-2
1. Joey Bansen ... 11-2
4. Gedeon Mariam ... 10-3
4. Sandy Kory ... 10-3
4. Matthew Mariam ... 10-3
7. Dave Labowitz .. 9-4
7. George Smith ... 9-4
7. Karl Vaillancourt .. 9-4
7. John Weaver ... 9-4
7. Zack Klein ... 9-4
12. Paddy Althoff ... 8-5
12. Adam Roy ... 8-5
12. Robin Wood ... 8-5
12. Bill Denton ... 8-5
12. Christine Roberts ... 8-5
17. Ryan Schultz ... 7-6
17. Matthew Kory ... 7-6

As for the Current Overall Standings (COS), well nothing super new to report. Karl Vaillancourt is still kicking everyone's collective ass. Dave Labowitz is still kicking everyone's collective ass except Karl Vaillancourt's, and then we have John Weaver, Zack Klein and everyone else. In other news, I've now cemented my shoes. Yes, I managed to finish in last in both the weekly standings and the COS. Oh God this is so humiliating.


1. Karl Vaillancourt ... 68
2. Dave Labowitz ... 65
3. John Weaver ... 64
4. Zack Klein ... 62
4. Matthew Mariam ... 62
6. Joey Bansen ... 62
7. Robin Wood ... 60
7. Ryan Schultz ... 60
9. Josh Money ... 59
9. Sandy Kory ... 59
11. Gedeon Mariam ... 58
11. George Smith ... 58
13. Paddy Althoff ... 57
13. Jon Stover ... 57
15. Adam Roy ... 55
15. Bill Denton ... 55
17. Christine Roberts ... 54
17. Matthew Kory ... 54

Congrats again to Josh. The schedule for Week 7 will be up shortly. Enjoy your week everyone.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Week 6: Update

Twelve games down, one to go. Only three people are still alive for the Week 6 WSP. Jon Stover, who had the lead up until stupidly picking Minnesota (full disclosure: so did I), Josh Money, and Joey Bansen. All three have ten wins. Since they and everyone who can catch them picked the Jets to win in Miami tomorrow, the result of that game won't change the standings. Thus, the WSP will be awarded to the winner in the great derby that we call...

Monday Night Points!

Here's how it breaks down. First, recall we here at MFSAFP(p!)! go by The Price Is Right rules. Thus, the winner in Monday Night Points (MNP) is the one who gets closest to the actual total without going over. Here's how it breaks down.

If the total score of the Jets/Dolphins game is

... between 0-40, Josh Money wins.
... 41 exactly, Jon Stover wins.
... 42 or over, Joey Bansen wins.

Ha ha! Jon Stover is screwed!!

Back tomorrow with the Week 6 standings, an update on the Current Overall Standings, and probably several poop jokes.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Week 6: Schedule

Here's your Week 6 schedule. Toughen up. It'll only hurt for a minute.

Carolina at Atlanta
San Francisco at Detroit
Indianapolis at Cincinnati
Jacksonville at Pittsburgh
Philadelphia at Washington
St. Louis at Green Bay
Buffalo at New York "Horseface" Giants
Cleveland at Oakland
Houston at Baltimore
New Orleans at Tampa Bay
Dallas at New England
Minnesota at Chicago
Miami at New York Jets (plus total points)

Week 5: Results

Another week, another week without drama. Oh sweet, sweet drama, how I miss you. I miss you like I miss pouring chocolate on my nipples... [wakes up in tub of ice with one kidney] Oh shit.

That does it for a crazy Week Five. We had more stratification this week than we've had any week. In weeks one, two, and four, the difference was three games. Week Three featured a five game separation though if you take Paddy Althoff out the separation is only two games. The best record and worst this week were separated by six games. What I'm saying: don't feel so bad if you didn't do well this week. This was a tough week.

That said, not everyone shat the bed. We had three people with ten plus wins, but only one with more. That special one? Why, Joey Bansen, of course. Joey only got two games wrong this week, which, if the goal were to get games wrong, wouldn't be very good. Joey of course wins the coveted Moose Anus, which, much like the Stanley Cup, is transferred from winner to winner. However, since Dave Labowitz had it last I'd recommend you pay to sanitize it. Well, as much as one can sanitize a Moose's anus.

Without further poo, here are your results for Week Five

1. Joey Bansen ... 11-2
2. Matthew Mariam ... 10-3
3. Dave Labowitz ... 10-3
4. Robin Wood ... 9-4
4. Bill Denton ... 9-4
4. Sandy Kory ... 9-4
7. Zack Klein ... 8-5
7. Adam Roy ... 8-5
7. Karl Vaillancourt ... 8-5
10. John Weaver ... 7-6
10. Christine ... 7-6
10. George Smith ... 7-6
10. Ryan Schultz ... 7-6
10. Gedeon Mariam ... 7-6
10. Matthew Kory ... 7-6
16. Josh Money ... 6-7
16. Paddy Althoff ... 6-7
18. Jon Stover ... 5-8

Joey's nice week got him within shouting distance of respectability, but not lost in the joy of Joey's victory was more good weeks turned in by those at the top. Dave picked up two games on Karl and vaulted over John Weaver to take second place in the Current Overall Standings (COS). In other less flattering news, I'm a game from the bottom. Yay me. Ugh.

1. Karl Vaillancourt ... 59
2. Dave Labowitz ... 56
3. John Weaver ... 55
3. Zack Klein ... 53
5. Matthew Mariam ... 52
5. Robin Wood ... 52
7. Ryan Schultz ... 51
7. Joey Bansen ... 51
9. Sandy Kory ... 49
9. George Smith ... 49
11. Paddy Althoff ... 48
11. Gedeon Mariam ... 48
11. Josh Money ... 48
14. Matthew Kory ... 47
14. Bill Denton ... 47
16. Christine Roberts ... 46
16. Jon Stover ... 46
16. Adam Roy ... 46

Apologies for the late posting, peeps. I try to do this on Tuesdays but this Tuesday conspired against me (communist Tuesday!) and I wasn't able to get it done. Going forward I should be able to keep to this schedule though.

Week 6 Schedule to come...

Monday, October 10, 2011

Week 5: Update

Last week's update brought zero suspense. Sadly this week's update is just as unexciting. As it stands right now, Joey Bansen is the only one in the pool with ten wins. With one game left, only Dave Labowitz and Matthew Mariam are within striking distance with nine wins. Unfortunately for drama, both Dave and Matt picked Detroit, just like Joey did. So neither of those two can make up the necessary game to catch Joey.

So Joey wins. Blah blah blah crap.

Back tomorrow with the weekly results, the current overall standings and probably a bunch of poop jokes.

Wednesday, October 05, 2011

Week 5: Schedule

You want fries with this schedule?

New Orleans at Carolina
Tennessee at Pittsburgh
Arizona at Minnesota
Oakland at Houston
Kansas City at Indianapolis
Seattle at New York "Tattletale" Giants
Philadelphia at Buffalo
Cincinnati at Jacksonville
Tampa Bay at San Francisco
New York Jets at New England
San Diego at Denver
Green Bay at Atlanta
Chicago at Detroit (plus total points)

Week 4: Results

Week 4 is in the books so, if you're from Texas or Alabama, you can go ahead and set those books on fire. If not, well, unless you're name rhymes with Pooparl Pooancourt or Poopave Poopowitz then you might want to find something else to do besides reading on. Unless you're Poopatthew Poopory in which case you have to write this shit. Pity me, friends.

But don't get any excess pity on Dave Labowitz because, first of all it would ruin his nicely manicured suit (can a suit be manicured? I'm a slob and don't know), secondly because I need all I can get, but thirdly and most importantly because he don't need none of it. Dave had week 4 finished before Sunday. That's 'cause he's a man who gets shit done, son!

No, Dave wasn't the only one to correctly call San Francisco beating Philadelphia (that would be Christine Roberts) and he wasn't one of the two to nail the Bengals beating the Bills (Jon Stover (Bills fan) and Zack Klein), nor was he one of the two who picked KC to whip up on the Vikings (Robin and Paddy), butt - and this is such a a big but it deserves two Ts - those were the only three Dave missed. Consistency, folks. That's how it's done

So congratulations to Dave Labowitz. For his efforts, Dave wins a 6 month membership into the coaster of the month club! Just think, Dave, no more water marks on all your expensive Ikea furniture!

No, sadly, Dave wins the WSP, and not a cent more, dammit.

Here's your Week 4 final standings:

1. Dave Labowitz ... 13-3
2. Robin Wood ... 12-4
2. Zack Klein ... 12-4
2. Gedeon Mariam ... 12-4
2. Josh Money ... 12-4
2. George Smith ... 12-4
2. Karl Vaillancourt ... 12-4
2. John Weaver ... 12-4
9. Ryan Schultz ... 11-5
9. Paddy Althoff ... 11-5
9. Christine Roberts ... 11-5
9. Matthew Kory ... 11-5
9. Jon Stover ... 11-5
9. Sandy Kory ...11-5
15. Matthew Mariam ... 10-6
16. Bill Denton ... 9-7
16. Adam Roy ... 9-7
16. Joey Bansen ... 9-7

Speaking of consistency, you will notice a familiar name up atop the Current Overall Standings (COS) this week. Last week's 11 win effort qualifies as Karl's worst week of the year. Were it mine it would be my best. After Karl, we get John "12:59" Weaver and then the aforementioned Mr. Poopowitz (enjoy your coasters, sucker!).

Anyway, here's the COS through Week 4:

1. Karl Vaillancourt ... 51
2. John Weaver ... 48
3. Dave Labowitz ... 46
4. Zack Klein ... 45
5. Ryan Schultz ... 44
6. Robin Wood ... 43
7. Josh Money ... 42
7. George Smith ... 42
7. Matthew Mariam ... 42
10. Gedeon Mariam ... 41
10. Paddy Althoff ... 41
10. Jon Stover ... 41
13. Sandy Kory ... 40
13. Matthew Kory ... 40
13. Joey Bansen ... 40
16. Adam Roy ... 39
17. Christine Roberts ... 39
18. Bill Denton ... 38

Schedule will be up shortly. Enjoy your week, and if you can, try to spend some time ruminating on how to beat Karl Vaillancourt. Please. This is getting embarrassing.

Sunday, October 02, 2011

Week 4: Update

Usually I spend these weekly updates getting you all psyched for the Monday Night contest and all the different turns the pool could can still take. Who will win? [clasps hands to face] Oh, I just don't know! Lets get all in depth and such!

But in this case, with Week 4, I've got nothing. No drama, no questions, no what ifs. All I got is Dave Labowitz. Dave Labowitz wins.

We'll get to the whole thing tomorrow, but for now, Dave leads the pool with 12 wins and nobody else can catch him.

Wasn't that fun?

Check back after the Monday night game and see how the chips fell.