Tuesday, October 31, 2006

WEEK NINE: HAPPY HALLOWEEN

If only I'd thought of this.

As always, folks, please send me yr picks by game time, which this week is 1pm EST this Sunday. Here's this week's slate:

Atlanta at Detroit
Cincinnati at Baltimore
Dallas at Washington
Green Bay at Buffalo
Houston at NY Horsemeat for Dogs! Giants
Kansas City at St Louis
Miami at Chicago
New Orleans at Tampa Bay
Tennessee at Jacksonville
Minnesota at San Francisco
Cleveland at San Diego
Denver at Pittsburgh
Indianapolis at New England
Oakland at Seattle (plus total points)

Good luck! And as always, I'm posting my picks here in the comment section.

STANDINGS: WEEK 8

One more week, you bastard.

Important non-jokey note: From now on, to be eligible to win the weekly prize money you must send in your picks by the start of the first game of the week. I will continue to give people the favorites (i.e. whoever is favored in a game) for any games they are late on. You've all paid for every week, and I believe it would be unfair of me to screw someone for the whole year just because they forgot and sent in their picks late. However, to be fair to everyone who was on time, from now on if you are late you will not be eligible for the weekly prize money for that week. All the games you get correct (and incorrect) will still be added to your overall record and will be used to determine the overall winner at the end of the year. If anyone has any questions about this, please email me at matthew.kory@gmail.com and I'll happily discuss it with you.

Ok, as stated in my earlier post, Zack Klein won the pool for Week 8, which is the second week in a row and the third time this season. Basically, Zack is administering an un-holly ass-beating to each and every one of us. I'm not proud of it, but there it is. So, here are the final standings for Week 8:

Zack Klein 10-4
George Smith 9-5
Sandy Kory
Joey Bansen 8-6
Karl Vaillancout
Matthew Mariam
Jon Stover
Matthew Kory 7-7
Bill Denton
Andy Harris
Joshu Shih 6-8
Dave Labowitz
Scott Rozsa

So, with Week 8 officially in the books, heres where we are with the overall standings of the pool (poop!):

Sandy Kory 74-40
Joey Bansen 73-41
Jon Stover 72-42
Zack Klein
Matthew Mariam 71-43
Andy Harris 70-44
Karl Vaillancourt
Matthew Kory 69-45
Joshu Shih 68-46
Scott Rozsa
George Smith 67-47
Dave Labowitz 65-49
Bill Denton

Ha ha! Everyone is losing to my brother! So, yeah, anyway I'll post the schedule for Week 9 either later today or tomorrow.

Monday, October 30, 2006

WINNER: WEEK 8

Mr. Celery says, "Waz up, hos?"

From the point of view of a Redskins fan, and really I am nothing if not that, Week 8 was the best week since Week 4. This is because the NFL's bye-week actually prevented the Redskins from losing. Unfortunately, next week we won't be so lucky.

In our place will be the Eagles who (I'm sure most Eagles fans have just tuned out) get to spend next week wondering, "Wa ha pa?" Three weeks ago the Eagles were 4-1, and "should've been 5-0." Now they're 4-4 and they "should be 4-4." Based on their play of the last three weeks the Eagles have gone hunting with Dick Cheney, proverbially speaking. In a game they all said they needed to win, the Eagles came out soft with their worst offensive performance to date. Even Donovan "Most Vomiting Player" McNabb played badly. Were have I heard that before?
"This is definitely a must-win for us." - Mark Brunell, before week 7 loss @ Indy
Oh! Right! I wonder what McNabb and the Eagles will be saying about their game next week vs. Washington.

Anyway, the pool, right? So, the standings aren't complete yet for Week 8, but the winner has been determined. And the winner of Week 8 is....

Zack Klein! Again! Good lord! Give it a break, Klein, eh? Well, for winning Week 8, Zack wins the an official Terrell Owens "Making of Champions Football Camp DVD." Yay! No, actually, Zack wins the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) of $52. This brings his yearly winnings to a pool-leading total of $154!

Also, I've won nothing! Yay!

So, congratulations (again) to Zack (you bastard). I'll post the overall standings and for Week 8 tomorrow, and the schedule for Week 9 (holly hell, I'm getting old!) on Wednesday.

Ta ta!

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

AROUND THE NFL WITH MATTY! WEEK 8




Week 8: I'll Rochambeau ya for it!

Here's your "World Series" MVP, folks, hard at work already on preparing for next season. Did you know if you drink tequila you grow bigger and stronger? I can't wait to have kids of my own to impart knowledge like this to.

Since my Redskins are mercifully off this week, I'll take some time to say Welcome to another semi-exciting and semi-conscious episode of ATNFLWM. Today I'm going to give you a break from my usual attempted humor.

Today's topic: Wow that World Series sucked. I mean Sucked (in a capitalized sense). FOX can't figure out why their ratings are down, but it doesn't sound very complicated to me. First, take two mid-western teams, add some mediocre playing, a dose of terrible weather, and then throw in Tim McCarver and Joe Buck and you've got what we here at ATNFLWM HQ call a recipe for "disaster." (We came up with that on our own. Yes, we're pretty proud.)

But it’s more than the fact that the World Series wasn't very compelling or well played on the field. The Cardinals, the team that won, had no business even being there. None. Zero. Zilch. (This is an old Bad Columnist trick. You take one word, capitalize it, add a period after it and it passes for its own paragraph.

Terrible.

[See what I did there?]) Anyway, here are the records for Cardinals teams this century:

2001 St. Louis 93 69 .574
2002 St. Louis 97 65 .599
2003 St. Louis 85 77 .525
2004 St. Louis 105 57 .648
2005 St. Louis 100 62 .617

With the exception of the 2003 team who won only 85 games, they have all been serious World Series contenders. The '03 team, by the way, is the only one on that list not to make the playoffs. Lets contrast this with the 2006 World Champions.

2006 St. Louis 83 81 .512

This is a team with such talent, grit, togetherness, and closing speed that they went 12-17 (.413) to close the regular season in September and October. I won't belabor this point any more than I have to, so in the interest of expediency, let me say it straight. The '06 Cardinals suck, and the fact that they made the playoffs at all is a disgrace to baseball and proves 1) what a joke the post-season is, and 2) how useless the regular season is. In fact, I’m so pissed off about this, that I'm actually going to waste your time explaining what I think should be done to fix this. Here are Matty's easy steps to fixing baseball's postseason:

1. Get rid of the six division alignment.
I understand why in theory having so many divisions is good for the game (keeps interest up, allows for less travel, creates more rivalries), but six divisions is just too many. If they won't get rid of divisions all together, which they won't, then they need to consolidate the six into four, two for each league. They can be North and South, East and West, Coasts and Land-Locked, Cream And Sugar and Black, Boxers and Briefs, or Goats and Monkeys. It doesn't matter, just so there are more teams per division. If this had been the case this year your World Champion Cardinals would have rightfully missed the playoffs.

2. Reorganize the post-season.
The playoffs are too equal right now. A team that won 100 games should enter the post-season with a huge advantage over a team that has won just 83. Performing better in the regular season should have be a benefit in the post-season, but now it doesn’t. The teams that play well in the regular season should be rewarded with a higher chance to win in the post-season. At the end of the year, you have four teams that make the playoffs in each league. Because of the division re-alignment, there are two division winners (ranked #1 and #2 based on record) and two Wild Card teams (ranked #3 and #4, again based on record).

The two Wild Card teams play each other in a one game playoff (#3 gets the home game). The loser goes home and the winner plays a five game series against Team #2 (the division winner with the worse record). Games 1, 2, 4 and 5 are at the home of Team #2. The Wild Card team only gets one home game. The winner of this series goes on to play a seven game series against Team #1.

Team #1 gets to choose four out of the seven games that they want to play at home. The winner of this series then plays a nine game World Series against the winner of the other league. The team with the better regular season record gets to choose the five games they want at home before the series.

The enlarged World Series format accomplishes two things. The first is makes up for the lack of a five game division series by potentially adding two or more games to the playoffs. It allows the ‘better’ team more time to emerge in World Series. The winner is the World Champion. I actually made a jpeg of one of the league’s playoff formats but for some reason blogger is refusing to download it as anything other than a giant white blob.


There are numerous but not insurmountable advantages for the team with the better record here. Team #1 with the best overall record in the regular season gets an automatic 'bye' all the way to the Championship series. They were the best team in their league and they shouldn't have to play a crappy team in a five game throw of the dice. The other division winner has the advantage of playing the Wild Card team who presumably just spent their best pitcher in the Wild Card single elimination game, so they're facing a team who isn't as good and can't stack their rotation with their best pitcher throwing a ton of games. Also, Team #2 gets four of the five games at their stadium, another advantage that they earned in the regular season. Finally, Team #1 gets to choose which games they want at home, and they get to face a more tired team coming off of a seven game series. Each round has serious obstacles to overcome for the team with the worse regular season record, but each round also has fewer obstacles for them to overcome too. By the time they reach the World Series there is a nine game series, which again favors the better team.

Structuring the divisions and playoffs in this manner will favor the better regular season (and presumably just better) teams, and keep lousy teams from A) making the playoffs, and B) winning the World Series. If they do make it and win the World Series there won’t be many people who claim they didn’t earn it.

So, that’s about it for baseball this year. On to Week 8 of Hot Steamy Naked NFL Action here with ATNFLWM!!

This week’s games are sponsored by… The Albert Haynesworth Laser Eye Institute! Located on the field at Texas Stadium’s 30 yard line. We honor all coupons!

And now, in deference to the Man, this week’s picks are for enjoyment only, and not intended to foster a belief in the occult. Let the picking begin!!!

Arizona at Green Bay
-Congrats to the Cardinals on their World Series victory!
-Dennis Green is the NFL’s version of the Titanic. Not because the Cardinals season is sinking, but because he’s huge.
-Historically the more horrific events that have happened to Brett Favre the better Favre has played. Better hope the Packers don’t ever figure that out. I hear Favre has a few prized horses that might not survive that information, if ya know what I mean.
Pick: GB

Atlanta at Cincinnati
-Michael Vick has best sub-50% completion percentage in NFL history.
-Watch out. The Bengals will actually kill you.
Pick: Cincy

Baltimore at New Orleans
-If Brian Billick really wants to fix the Raven’s offense he should fire himself.
-Everyone is so surprised that the Saints are playing well, but when a team replaces crappy production at their skill positions of RB and QB with pro-bowl players it makes improvement much easier. No joke here, sorry.
Pick: NO

Houston at Tennessee
-The Redskins loss to Tennessee has many speculating that if Joe Gibbs steps down this off-season, Jeff Fisher will take his place. Because right now the Redskins problem is their coaches aren’t good enough. Clearly.
-Houston. Theres yr joke right there! HA HA HA HA!!!!
Pick: TN

Jacksonville at Philadelphia
-If Andy Reid keeps expanding at this pace he’ll actually explode in the year 2012.
-Jack Del Rio only coach in NFL to allow his players to stop practicing when the Ice Cream Man comes by.
Pick: Philly

Seattle at Kansas City
-Boy do the Chiefs miss Al Saunders now, and the real irony is, the Redskins would gladly give him back.
-It looks more and more like Mike Holmgren blew his shot with this team, huh?
Pick: KC

San Francisco at Chicago
-The 49ers can win if:
1) the Bears never show up
2) only the Bear’s offense shows up
3) the 49ers are traded straight up for the Bears before game time
4) the game is moved to a different site and the NFL only tells the 49ers.
5) a meteor hits the Bear’s bus on the way to the stadium.
6) all the Bears eat bad ham the night before the game
Pick: Chicago

Tampa Bay at NY Your Job Is Your Credit Giants
-Fortunately for the Bucs, Bruce Gradkowski has taken time off from gay porn to lead them to a few wins.
-Tiki Barber’s post NFL plans reportedly include opening up his own rib joint.
Pick: NY Its My Birthday Giants

St Louis at San Diego
-That naked man waiving the dead rat in the stands is former head coach Mike Martz.
Pick: SD

Indianapolis at Denver
-I can’t believe I’m about to put actual money down on a team with Jake Plummer as their quarterback…
Pick: Denver

NY Jets at Cleveland
-Ever the master motivator, Jets coach Eric Mangini has threatened his players that if they lose this game they’ll be forced to watch “Yentil” starring Barbara Streisand, from beginning to end.
Pick: NY Jets

Pittsburgh at Oakland
-Steelers have as much chance to win the Superbowl this season as St. Louis does to win the
Pick: Pittsburgh

Dallas at Carolina
-Rumor is that Tony Romo is starting this game because he, like Bill Parcells, has man-boobs.
Pick: Carolina

New England at Minnesota
-New England head coach Bill Belichick named “Best Dressed” by Hobo Illustrated.
Pick: N.E. (27)

Next Week: I serenade you with songs from the hit movie “Top Gun”! Stay tuned!

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

WEEK EIGHT: YES, MORE BARFING!!


Barf Eagles Barf, On The Road To Calamity.
Barf Eagles Barf, We Throw Up On T.V.

Spew It Front.
Spew It Back.
(And We'll Smell Like Eagles Yak.)

Barf Eagles Barf, On The Road To Calamity.

E-A-G-L-Euuhh... BLEAAAAH!!!


(No, I'm never going to let this go.)

Week 8s a'comin at ya:

Arizona at Green Bay
Atlanta at Cincinnati
Baltimore at New Orleans
Houston at Tennessee
Jacksonville at Philadelphia
Seattle at Kansas City
San Francisco at Chicago
Tampa Bay at NY Sloppy Joe Namath Giants
St Louis at San Diego
Indianapolis at Denver
NY Jets at Cleveland
Pittsburgh at Oakland
Dallas at Carolina
New England at Minnesota (PUT YOUR DAMN MONDAY NIGHT POINTS HERE, EH?)

As always, send me your picks by 1pm EST on Sunday afternoon. Good luck, bitches.

Monday, October 23, 2006

WINNER AND STANDINGS: WEEK 7



Contrary to popular belief, McNabb losing his lunch was due, not to over-exertion, but to watching the entire 3rd quarter of the Redskins/Colts game. The same quarter of football caused me to ralph too, although my placement was not as good as McNabb's. My fiance was not happy when she came home and saw how I had redecorated the couch.

For those (few) of you who either don't live in Philly or don't follow the Eagles, Donovan McNabb's puking on Sunday gave creedence to Terrell "A million different kinds of crazy" Owens' claim about blowing chunks in the Superbowl. This time there was no hiding it, as McNabb horked in the middle of the field before a play. This did not prevent him from throwing up some pretty touchdown passes. Aside from hurling a few pesky interceptions returned for touchdowns, McNabb played pretty well. Still, it was not enough to stop the great Matt Bryant, who I swear waited on me at Chi-Chi's last year, from booting a 62 yard field goal to win the game at the end of regulation.

This set off a chain reaction of barfing all over the Philadelphia region. Still, it was nothing compared to the upchuck flowing through the streets of the Venerable District of Columbia where Redskins fans everywhere collectively retched. Alas, I could not spew with my fellow Redskins fans, and was reduced to vomiting alone. Also of note, I have a pet yak!

So, now to the real reason you're here, the final standings for Week 7!!!!

Zack Klein 7-6
Karl Vaillancourt
Joshu Shih 6-7
George Smith
Joey Bansen
Jon Stover
Sandy Kory
Matthew Mariam
Dave Labowitz
Scott Rozsa
Matthew Kory 5-8
Bill Denton 4-9

Thats right! I finished second to last!!

Oh, also the winner of Week 7, and all the hard core booty that comes with it.... ZACK KLEIN!!! Congratulations, Zack! Zack beat out Karl Vaillancourt, who finished with the same piss-poor record of 7-6, by picking 40 MNP (Monday Night Points) to Karl's 37. The actual MNP was like a billion or something. Whatever. Anyway, it was way over what both guys picked, so the closer of the two is Zack.

For his Week 7 victory, Zack wins the only slightly coveted NY Mets: 2006 National League Champions ballcap! Yay! (wait... they lost??) No, unfortunately, Zack wins the Weekly Standard Prize of $52! Personally I'd donate it all to the Republican Party.

Also of note, Zack is the first person in the history of MFSAFP(p!)! to break the $100 barrier. He's taking your money, Dave! Hey! Dave! Wake up, Dave...

As Bill likes to say, this past week was a shit-filled turd. I don't honestly know what that means, but it sounds appropriate. In any case, there was further stratification in the overall standings, so some of you (like me) are going to have to pick up the pace if you wanna stay with... my brother? Crap!

The full season standings, through Week 7 are as follows:

1. Sandy Kory 65-35
Joey Bansen
3. Jon Stover 64-36
4. Matthew Mariam 63-37
Andy Harris
6. Matthew Kory 62-38
Karl Vaillancourt
Joshu Shih
Zack Klein
Scott Rozsa
11. Dave Labowitz 59-41
12. George Smith 58-42
Bill Denton

It looks like some people (not me) are starting to pull away from the pack a bit. Damn them! Also, since exactly 100 games have been played its pretty easy to compute your winning percentage on the year. You know, if you can, like, add or something. So, congrats again to Zack. Stay tuned here, as I'll be posting Week 8 (featuring no Redskins loses!) soon.

Friday, October 20, 2006

Sunday Crap-O-Rama: Week 7


Week 7: Poo-Poo A Go-Go

Thus far this season on ATNFLWM and the Sunday Crap-O-Rama (hey, there’s my new band name!), we have savagely uh… well, savaged the Oakland Raiders for being the most inept group of players and coaches to take to an NFL field in the past several decades. However, in the interest of fairness, equanimity, balance, and all those other things that don’t really exist anymore, I’d like to draw your attention to another professional sports team whose ineptitude rivals and possibly surpasses that of the Raiders.
Yes sir, it’s your Philadelphia Flyers.

(Wait… MY Flyers?!? Oh, right…)

Hey, who knew cadavers could skate?

Although it hadn’t been proven in a controlled clinical study before, I was indeed aware that cadavers could, in fact, lose every faceoff, commit a turnover on every outlet pass, lose the battle for every loose puck along the boards, fail to clear every rebound from in front of the net, grotesquely misfire on every pass, completely lose track of the nearest offensive player on every single opposition possession, absently concede the blue line like a Frenchman on every rush, and basically sit around stock-still waiting to decompose. That I knew.

So, by the time the NFL's week 7 games kick off on Sunday, be on the lookout for this behind the Flyers’ bench:













To which we say: "What The Fungus?"













Since the fourth and final game of the 2006 World Series is scheduled for Wednesday night and thus downtown Detroit will be a smoldering heap of soot by Friday, this may be my last chance to write about Major League Baseball and have it come off as remotely relevant.
(Fat chance, asshole.)

So let’s play Matty The K’s favorite game, “Player A Versus Player B”!
Player A cumulative postseason batting statistics: 35 G, 132 AB (15 BB), .280 BA, .375 OBP, .485 SLG
Player B cumulative postseason batting statistics: 27 G, 95 AB (12 BB), .189 BA, .291 OBP, .358 SLG

Supplementary information:
Player A is the worst player in the history of the playoffs, is the scourge of over 8 million people, is solely responsible for everything that has ever gone wrong with his team, barely meets the minimum qualifications to be a member of the human race, and should be pitched aboard a boat with a half-tank of gas and left to die at sea post-haste.

Player B, who plays the same defensive position as Player A, is universally respected and even loved. He’s got guts and spunk and grit and desire and hustle and toughness and Plays The Game The Right Way.

Player A plays for the most successful team in the history of the American League.
Player B plays for the most successful team in the history of the National League.
OK, you’ve figured it out by now; I ain’t that clever. Player A is Alex Rodriguez, Player B is Scott Rolen.

Why does Rolen get a free pass on his execrable playoff performance? In addition to his offensive floundering, he made atrocious fielding errors in games 6 and 7 of the NLCS and refused to speak to his own manager – T.O.-stylee – throughout the series.

Meanwhile – and although it’ll take no less than an Act of Congress to do it – everyone is lining up to try to run A-Rod out of New York on a rail, and a FOX TV bobblehead – apparently blind to what actually constitutes terrible hitting – actually referred to Placido “Quagmire” Polanco as “a terrible hitter” during a game broadcast last week.
(Note: Quagmire’s playoff sample size is too small to mess with, but he’s nowhere near the playoff albatross Rolen is, and he’s not a third baseman either, so he’s not expected to put up monstrous offensive numbers.)

Rolen gets a free pass because he plays in St. Louis, aka “Baseball Heaven,” the home base of FOX’s Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.

Could it be that the media doesn’t notice how bad a player is unless he’s booed at home? No wonder everyone has such a low opinion of the Philadelphia teams!

It would become widely recognized that Rolen is a legendary choker under one condition, and only one condition: if Joe Buck figures out a way to blame it on the Phillies.

Now, let’s get up an’ get to pickin’. “Llllllllet’s get ready to get readyyyyyy!!”

And, of course, in deference to The Man, Fuck Rolling Rock. [Editors Note: Fuck YOU, buddy!]

Philadelphia at Tampa Bay
-Eagles already down to one timeout in the first half of this game… and Andy Reid just pulled out the red flag to challenge my assessment of the Flyers.
Pick: Philadelphia

Pittsburgh at Atlanta
-The only way the Steelers lose this game is if they knock Michael Vick out of it early enough.
-What’s wrong with the Falcons? Michael Vick says it’s everyone but him. Everyone but him says it’s Michael Vick.
Pick: Pittsburgh

Carolina at Cincinnati
-Bengals to completely quit on the season after this week’s loss and go fuck some whores every Sunday morning instead.









Pick: Carolina

Detroit at NY Jets
­-If the Tigers clinch the World Series at home in Comerica Park, fans planning to riot are advised to go across the street and set fire to Ford Field instead.
Pick: J-E-T-S-Jets-Jets-Jets

Jacksonville at Houston
-State-of-the-art Reliant Stadium being occupied with the putrescent Texans is like Le Palais de Versailles being packed full of junked Renaults.
Pick: Jacksonville. Don’t care who starts at QB.

New England at Buffalo
-I think the NFL needs to step in and stop Bill Belichick: he’s been monkeying around with the injury reports too much.
[Matty: Did somebody say monkeys?!]
Take a look at this week’s report:
Patrick Pass, RB - Oct. 20 - OUT (toe)
Russ Hochstein, OG - Oct. 20 - QUESTIONABLE (knee)
Randall Gay, CB - Oct. 20 - QUESTIONABLE (scrotal calcification)
Reche Caldwell, WR - Oct. 20 - DOUBTFUL (Pavano Syndrome)
Rodney Harrison, S - Oct. 20 - PROBABLE (disrespect)
Tom Brady, QB - Oct. 20 - QUESTIONABLE (priapism)
Tebucky Jones, S - Oct. 20 - PROBABLE (foot odor)
Mike Vrabel, LB - Oct. 20 - QUESTIONABLE (illiteracy)
Pick: New England

Green Bay at Miami
-Also on the injury front, the Rat Bastard Fantasy league has denied the McManglers’ requests for an injury waiver for Daunte Culpepper on the grounds that being too godforsaken dumb to grasp the offense does not count as an injury.
Pick: Miami

San Diego at Kansas City
-Fearless prediction: This week Larry Johnson will incur another 15-yard penalty on an interception return when he tackles Shawne Merriman by his gargantuan wang.
Pick: San Diego

Denver at Cleveland
-Oil Can Boyd on Cleveland Municipal Stadium: “See what happens when you build a stadium next to the ocean?”
-Billie M.F. Smalls on Cleveland Browns Stadium: “See what happens when you build a stadium next to an inept front office and piss-poor players?”
-This week marks Courtney Brown’s return to his former home, except this time he’ll be standing in street clothes on the visitor’s sideline.
Pick: Denver

Minnesota at Seattle
-Mike Holmgren’s shit list:
1. Super Bowl officials
2. Rat finks in Minnesota front office who wrote Hutchinson contract
3. Texas A&M fans
4. Madden NFL ’07 Curse
5. Beano
Pick: Seattle, but they won’t cover.

Arizona at Oakland
-Matt Leinart looks very sharp so far but has yet to realize that he plays for the Arizona Cardinals.
-Art Shell took a huge step in repairing Raiders’ underachieving offensive line on Wednesday when he convinced tackle Robert Gallery to start playing in cleats instead of roller skates.
Pick: Arizona

Washington at Indianapolis
-To induce coaches to get him more involved in the offense, Clinton Portis to unveil new disguise Sunday: Santana Moss.
-How rancid is my fantasy football team? I spent a solid 20 minutes this afternoon trying to concoct a way to acquire Santana Moss.
Pick: Indianapolis

New York He’s Just Like You, Only Mildly Retarded Giants at Dallas
-In an attempt to satiate public's desire for continuous T.O. coverage, ESPN to point Hubble Space telescope at him on the Cowboys' sideline throughout Monday night broadcast.
-In the event of an underthrown pass in his direction, T.O. planning to sneak up on Drew Bledsoe on the sideline and beef in his face.
-Contrary to previous reports on ATNFLWM, the man charged with the NFL stadium dirty bomb hoax was, in fact, not Terrell Owens.
Pick: Pokes 24-20; T.O. detonates a small explosive device in his pants after scoring a TD.

That’s it from Crap-O-Central this week, folks. Tune in next week when we, like, totally bonk.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

AROUND THE NFL WITH MATTY! Week 7


Week 7: When I die and go to the place to touch monkeys in the sky…

Its time for AROUND THE NFL WITH MATTY (ATNFLWM!!)!! I’d like to offer you a sub-cockle-area greetings and salutations, my dear friends. How is it that we always seem to meet under such circumspect circumstances? I sit here and type this missive with full knowledge that I am preventing some handicapped (is that PC?) person from doing his/her work by occupying the only handicapped-accessible computer station here on campus. UPENN is nothing if not friendly to the less fortunate. For example, campus cops don’t use their nightsticks on locals very much. Why do I do this when there are clearly other less handi-friendly computers available, you may ask. Because I can, my friends. Because I can.

With Week 6 in the books as it were, Week 7 of the glorious NFL season is once again upon us. This means several things, such as its time to start firing us some coaches! Its time to separate the wheat from the chaff (I have no idea what “chaff” is, or even if you can separate it from "wheat")! Its time to start touching monkeys! Hey, how’d that get in there?

But most importantly its time to write the post-mortem for some teams, cause, well, they done. In the words of the great American, Deion Sanders, “Its time to close up SHOP. Ha HA!” (Emphasis on the second “ha”) (Editors note: we have no idea what Mr. Sanders is talking about).

So, with no further doo-doo (we swear our father actually says that), we’ll get right to ATNFLWM’s 2006-2007 NFL ’06 Post Mortems For Two Teams That Suck!! (ATNFLWM2006-2007NFL06ONFTTTS!!)

The Raiders. Oh, and wow are they bad. They should move back to LA. At least nobody there would care. Your ‘06 Raiders feature what we here at ATNFLWM call the 'lousy trifecta.' To wit: mis-appropriated spenditures of high draft picks, no-name no-skill players at key positions, and over-paid over-the-hill big names who are only interested in collecting a paycheck (not that I have a problem with that). Oh, I almost forgot how badly coached from top to bottom they are (no I didn’t). The head coach really wasn’t that good before he got fired, and that was 10 years ago. He got re-hired because he fulfilled two major requirements: 1) currently unemployed, 2) too stupid to turn job down. The most you can say for the Raiders is, while they are a terrible organization from the top to the bottom, at least they haven't kicked your dog. In the industry, this is known as “damning with faint praise.”

The Cardinals. They should also move to LA. Or Timbuktu. Anywhere were we don’t have to watch them on Monday Night Football ever again. Last week’s MNF game was like reliving Howard Dean’s presidential campaign. (In case you were wondering the “AIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” moment was somewhere around the third quarter.) Here’s a quick synopsis of the MNF Game, featuring yours truly:

8:20pm, ten minutes before game starts – I officially call the game for Chicago. I go into the ATNFLWM Super Secret Spreadsheet (ATNFLWMSSS) and give everyone in the pool a point for chosing the Bears. Then I start writing the 8 page paper that is due at 9am the next day.

8:45pm, 14-0, Cardinals – Holy crap. I email Joshu and ask if he wants to change his pick to the Cardinals. He declines.

9:30pm, 20-0, Cardinals – Halftime. To kill time, I play "count the Rex Grossman turnovers” on my toes. An email to Joshu with the question “how about now?” elicits the reply, “not a chance.”

10:15pm, 23-3, Cardinals – Bears finally kick a field goal, but Arizona immediately answers back with one on their ensuing drive. O-V-E-R, I tell myself. I go back to writing my paper.

10:45pm, 23-3, Cardinals – I check the score. It’s the same. If the Cardinals can make it into the fourth quarter with a twently point lead, I think, they’ll win for sure. About this moment (and with 00:06 left in the 3rd quarter) Leinert fumbles and Mike Brown returns it for a touchdown.

10:46pm, 23-10, Cardinals – I become aware of the problems inherant with having a 13 point lead on a team capable of scoring multiple touchdowns.

11:00pm, 23-10, Cardinals – Bears driving to Cardinals 27 yard line where Grossman promptly throws yet another interception. “Done! Yer F’n done!” I shout, pointing at my big toe. "What are you doing?” my fiance says, looking up from her magzine.

11:01pm, 23-10, Cardinals – I begin writing the Week 6 Winners post to include a Cardinal win.

11:05pm, 23-17, Cardinals – I stop doing that.

11:10pm, 24-23, Bears – Holy poop on a stick…I can’t wait to see what Dennis Green has to say about this. I silently hope it includes the word “diddly-poo.”

11:20pm, 24-23, Bears – Mindful that my cable has been turned off, a friend of mine calls on the phone to describe the final minutes of what has somehow become a close game. He gives me the play-by-play over the phone thusly:
Cardinals have first and ten on the Bears 31… man, they’ve been moving the ball really well on this drive. Leinert looks like he’s got this one in hand. All they need is a field goal… Theres a seven yard pass… nice pass by Leinert… second and three… Its about a forty yarder from here. Not a gimme, but pretty makable… Handoff to Edge.. ahh, only a yard or so. Can’t understand why they’re running it now… third down and about three… This should be a pass... another handoff to Edge? He’s not going anywhere! What, did Dennis Green stick his head up his ass? What kind of asinine play calling was that? Oh well, here comes Rackers to try a 40 yarder for the win… and he… MISSED! OH MY GOD! He missed! [long pause] Oh my god…
Yes, somewhere people are laughing, and somewhere children are singing, but it ain't in Arizona, cause the Cardinals be DONE.

Now its time to pick the games until they scab and bleed! In deference to The Man, I declare that none of these picks have come into contact with spinach at any time, and are therefore safe to consume.

Carolina at Cincinnati
-Where, exactly, is “Carolina?”
-Personally, I’d prefer if the Bengals uniforms more closely resembled traffic cones.
Pick: Cincinnati

Detroit at NY Jets
-In attempt to copy the success of New England Head Coach Bill Belichick, Jets Head Coach Eric Mangini eating many many cupcakes.
-Did you know: if you rearrange the letters in “Matt Millen” you can spell “Moronic Jackass”?
Pick: NY Jets

Green Bay at Miami
-If Brett Favre can make it through this season without reverting back to inhaling painkillers we’ll know he’s cured for life.
-A little math for you: Brian Billick – “Genius” – Superbowl Ring = Nick Saban
Pick: Miami

Jacksonville at Houston
-Only in the NFL could Jacksonville beat Houston at anything ever.
Pick: Jacksonville

New England at Buffalo
-At latest press conference, New England head coach Bill Belichick answered questions in morse code.
Pick: New England

Philadelphia at Tampa Bay
-Eagles would have had the game last week if Head Coach Andy Reid hadn’t eaten it.
-This just in: To the dismay of Rush Limbaugh, Donovan McNabb still black.
Pick: Philadephia

Pittsburgh at Atlanta
-Michael Vick’s completion percentage inversely proportional to chances his brother will be locked up for life sometime in next five years
-When pointed at Falcons, Patented ATNFLWM Fraud-O-Meter beeps very loudly.
Pick: Pittsburgh

San Diego at Kansas City
-Which team is Marty Schottenheimereningsteiningtonville coaching again?
-Boy, that Herman Edwards is a keeper. Can’t understand what the Jets were doing letting him go.
Pick: San Diego

Denver at Cleveland
-Post career plans for Denver’s Jake Plummer involve putting some meaning behind that molester mustache.
-I call this game the ATNFLWM Battle Between Two Places You Couldn’t Pay Me To Live (ATNFLWMBBTPYCPMTL)
Pick: Denver

Arizona at Oakland
-Man, I’m really tempted to pick Oakland here…
-Probability Raiders finish 0-16, as estimated by the ATNFLWM Academy Of Estimating Things (ATNFLWMAOET): 25%
Pick: Arizona (honestly tempted to go with Oakland here, but...)

Minnesota at Seattle
-No Shawn Alexander means more donuts for the rest of us!
Pick: Seattle

Washington at Indianapolis
-This game is likely to be funnier than anything I can write here.
Pick: Indianapolis

NY “Layover In Atlanta” Giants at Dallas
-How long before Terrell Owens literally throws someone under a bus?
-It’s a shame this is the Monday Night game on ESPN because the only way to truly appreciate a game like this is with as many ex-Cowboys broadcasting it as possible.
Pick: Dallas (17 total points)

Next Week: I enter my lobster quiche in the state-wide contest! Stay tuned!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

WEEK SEVEN: STOKED, BITCHES, STOKED.




Week 7 is upon us, and friends, I, for one, am... well, stoked.

The slate:

Carolina at Cincinnati
Detroit at NY Jets
Green Bay at Miami
Jacksonville at Houston
New England at Buffalo
Philadelphia at Tampa Bay
Pittsburgh at Atlanta
San Diego at Kansas City
Denver at Cleveland
Arizona at Oakland
Minnesota at Seattle
Washington at Indianapolis
NY Toilet Brush Giants at Dallas (plus total points)

Best of luck, suckers. (I'm going 0-13)

Monday, October 16, 2006

WINNER AND STANDINGS: WEEK 6


That was a brutal week. When 9 wins gets it in a pool (poop!) of 13 people... well, ugh. Only two people called Detroit beating Buffalo, only two people called New Orleans beating Philly, and nobody called the hideous and unmentionable game in the Town Formerly Called Raljon (TFCR).

My comment on the week: bleeeah...

So, we'll get right to the particulars. The standings for this week are as follows:

Joey Bansen 9-4
Scott Rozsa
Sandy Kory 8-5
Matthew Mariam
George Smith 7-6
Matthew Kory
Bill Denton (who would have won the pool if he hadn't been a moron and picked KC and Miami)
Andy Harris
Zach Klein
Jon Stover 6-7
Karl Vaillancourt
Dave Labowitz

So, congratulations to Joey Bansen, who out-pointed Scott Rozsa 35 to 30 in MNF points (the actual total was 47). He's the big weiner for Week 6! Good job, Joey. For wading through this minefield of a week you win an official "Mission Accomplished" cowboy-styled hat and belt buckle! Fashion Warning: Don't wear 'em at the same time (or in any blue state)!

No, unfortunately you win the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) of $52. You can spend it on official Redskins burgundy and gold kleenex, which they're certain to start selling at the Redskins online store any moment now.

So, with Week 6 in the books, the cumulative standings look thusly:

1. Sandy Kory 59-28
Joey Bansen
Andy Harris
5. Jon Stover 58-29
6. Matthew Kory 57-30
Matthew Mariam
8. Scott Rozsa 56-31
Joshu Shih
10. Karl Vaillancourt 55-32
Zach Klein
11. Bill Denton 54-33
13. Dave Labowitz 53-34
13. George Smith 52-35

So, thats it for this week. Congrats again to Joey (you can cash that check now). I'll post the schedule for Week 7 in a day or so.

Friday, October 13, 2006

Bill’s Sunday Crap-O-Rama: Week 6


Week 6: Oh How The Mighty Have Imagined Themselves as Mighty

"They don't think it be like it is, but it do."
—Oscar Gamble

Ah, painful anguish. I’m trapped in a glass case of emotion. And I can’t pick football games anymore. My execrable performance in the MFSAFP(p!)! so far this season wounds me to the bitter, bitter core. Was it just a scant four years ago that my foul-mouthed compadres and I ran roughshod over a 55-player pool in Philadelphia? (Actually, no, it wasn’t – and we didn’t – but that sepia tone somehow washed out Irv Moses, who finished ahead of all of our stoopid asses.) It’s all memorialized in the world-renowned “Guac Bowl II: The Struggle For Comedy,” which Matty The K will get loaded onto the MFSAFP(p!)! site soon enough. Or maybe he’ll just get loaded. Such is life as a Redskins fan. (Or at least one who is dependent on an Eagles fan – and an alcohol-dependent one at that – who has to provide him with a copy of “Guac Bowl II: The Struggle For Comedy.”)

It seems like only yesterday that Matty, Dave and I conspired to overtake Squirrelly Moe From Office Services, all the while monitoring our blinding progress over free food and dollar drafts before 11 television sets every Sunday at a suburban tavern. Even Squirrelly Moe’s subversive tactics – asking me to help him move a file cabinet and then beating me over the back of the head with a crowbar when I wasn’t looking, for example – couldn’t hold back our inexorable charge. In the end – and after winning the playoff pool by being the only one of 58 players to predict that the Patriots would even MAKE IT to the Super Bowl – I was perched atop a pile of cash that amounted to more than $600, which I set aside to subsidize an Eagles Super Bowl jaunt in New Orleans that never came.

Side note: I set aside $400 of that cash for a rainy day – most likely I did this when I was intoxicated after a Sunday of football – and completely fucking forgot about it. I was cleaning out my house in preparation of my shameful move to Texas and found four crisp $100 bills stuffed into a sunglass case inside my old toy chest. (True story. I’m not so good with money. Nor booze, apparently. Or gambling. I’m not so good with anything, really.) Of course, that move amounted to a rainy day with $2,600 worth of rain, so I may as well have just wiped my ass with those $100 bills.

So what’s the difference between the world-beatin’ Billie M.F. Smalls of 2002 and the scuffling stumble-bum Billie M.F’d Smalls of 2006? I know more about football now. I know that the Panthers will improve because their third-down performance so far this season has been aberrantly bad. I know Roderick Hood is a better cornerback than Lito Sheppard, even though Lito played the game of his life last Sunday and has made a Pro Bowl. I know the Falcons can’t erase a two-score deficit no matter how much talent Michael Vick has. I know the Cowboys really did try to work their offense through T. Eldorado Owens last Sunday, no matter what Deion Sanders says.

But this has not made it any easier to pick a winner. If anything, all the extra information my feeble mind has to parse has made it harder to predict a winner. This is why I’m going to stop making my picks at mid-day Friday and do it at about 7 pm, after the Match.com on-site happy hour, when I’ve already mowed through a half-dozen beers and my brain is functioning at half capacity. I know two wrongs may not make a right (three lefts do!), but maybe if I do enough counterintuitive things all at once, they’ll cancel each other out.

That, or I’ll become the Raiders.

(Hey, how ‘bout that one-sentence paragraph! I’m a legit sportswriter now!)

Now, let’s get to it, you sons-o-bitches! A reminder that these picks are not to be used as an aid in any wagering, ‘cause if that’s what you’re using these for, you’re in a whoooole lot of trouble.

Buffalo at Detroit
-From the “Even a Blind Squirrel Finds an Acorn” Department: Peter King outdid all of us by dubbing disgraced Lions assistant Joe Cullen “Nude Rockne.”
Pick: Buffalo

Carolina at Baltimore
-From the “This Sounds Like a Rob Schneider Movie” Department: How do you turn an impoverished, hardworking small-school quarterback from the swamps of southern Mississippi into an overprivileged, senseless white-boy QB from California? Trade him to the Ravens!
Pick: Carolina

Cincinnati at Tampa Bay
-To paraphrase the great Ron Luciano, the Buccaneers are the second-best team in the NFC South – the other three are all tied for first.
Pick: Cincinnati

Houston at Dallas
-Which is the most unreasonable group of people?
A: Islamic Jihadists
B: FOX News producers
C: Cowboys fans
D: The Eagles still suck! We gave that game away! Get Romo in there! Jesus will save His favorite team!
E: Both C and D
Pick: Howboutthemcowboys!

New York Badly Trained Yappy Dog Giants at Atlanta
-As much as I would like to debate the relative merits of these two teams, I would rather listen to Tommy Wright repeatedly call Michael Vick a “chucklehead.”
Pick: New York I Like To Pick Them So I Can Make Up Crap To Write Here Giants

Philadelphia at New Orleans
-The Eagles still suck! We gave that game away! Get Romo in there! Jesus will save His favorite team!
-Oh god dammit, I gotta get out of Dallas.
Pick: Philadelphia

Seattle at St Louis
-With St. Louis seeking to re-establish its dominance in this division over the NFC Champion Seahawks, this matchup can’t help but remind me of the good old days… which, of course, never existed in the first fucking place.
Pick: Seattle comin’ off the bye

Tennessee at Washington
-These teams have had such ball-control issues that FOX will be debuting their new chip-implanted “Blue Streak” football for their broadcast of this game.
Pick: “Wahrshington”

Kansas City at Pittsburgh
-No Joey Porter, no James Harrison, banged-up Troy Polamalu, Big Ben hasn’t thrown a TD pass yet this year… seems like the perfect recipe for a Pittsburgh win, right, Deion Sanders?
-Steelers President Art Rooney, when asked about the impact of the loss of WR Antwaan Randle-El, said, “well, at least we didn’t try to bring in Brandon Lloyd to replace him.”
Pick: Pittsburgh gets off the schneid

News flash: Marco Scutaro is from Venezuela?! I thought he was from Bayonne!

Miami at NY Jets
-Jets fans already booing 2007 first-round draft pick.
-Joe Buck already booing 2007 Eagles fans.
Pick: Miami

San Diego at San Francisco
After a win versus Pittsburgh, Chargers fans turned on a dime away from running Marty “Failure Fairy” Schottenheimer out of town to debating whether their defense is good enough to deserve a nickname. While this reflects on a rather mindless fan base, I’d like to suggest “Nuts And Bolts.”
Pick: The Whale’s Vagina

Oakland at Denver
-Breaking News: Art Shell pronounced dead at St. John’s Oakland Hospital, then transferred to a non-accredited medical facility in a dank corner of Al Davis’ super-secret compound, where he was upgraded to “alive.”
Pick: Denver

Chicago at Arizona
Rumor has it that Edgerrin James, with his increasing frustration with Arizona’s offensive line, will wear a T.O. mask on the sidelines Monday night. (Theismann: “T.O. is at it again on the sidelines! This is just absolutely disgraceful! The Cowboys aren’t even playing tonight!”)
Pick: Chicago 36-0

Tune in next week, when we once again try to have a reasonable debate with a Cowboys fan, give up, and then drink half a bottle of tequila and pass out!

And as they used to say back in ol’ York Pennsylvania… AMF!

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

AROUND THE NFL WITH MATTY! WEEK 6


Week 6: Fumbling for Jesus

Good morrow, my underlings. May you awake to an unsavory prickly sensation in your private places.

This week, Around The NFL With Matty (ATNFLWM) is proud to present the Patented And Semi-Anticipated ATNFLWM A Little Over A Quarter Of The Season Is Done Awards (PASAATNFLWMALOAQOTSIDA)! Sponsored by The Republican Party! When you think "done" think of the Republican Party!

And now your hosts, Woopi Goldberg, and Jamie Farr!!
[honorable music plays]











Hey! It’s a great honor to be doing this show with you, Jamie.















Thanks. It’s an honor to be here with you too... [pause] You have no idea who I am.












Nope.















I played Klinger in MASH.













You were in a show about potatoes and you think I should know who you are? Whatever…and now, the first award will be presented by Deion Sanders!

[crowd claps]















Ya-ho! Eee-oo! Ha HA!! This is the You A Bitch award and it is presented to the player who has exhibited the most bitch-itude so far this season. The award goes to… [opens envelope] TERRELL OWENS!! [crowd claps] Mr. Owens couldn’t be here tonight to accept the award as he’s walking around town yelling at people for stealing his magic beans.















The next award is the Most Likely to Urinate on His Coach Award which will be presented by Tony Kornheiser!




















Hey, did I tell you about my fantasy football team? We’re doing OK, and now that I spend my life on a bus I don’t have much else to do, other than maybe come up with something decent to talk about on Monday Night… Naaaah… so, the Player most likely to Urinate on his coach is…[opens envelope] TERRELL OWENS!! Mr. Owens couldn’t be here tonight to accept this award. He is in his living room practicing stalking up and down the sidelines.













Mercifully, we’ve come to the last award of the night [crowd claps]. It will be presented by John Madden!

[crowd claps]













BAP! BOOM! Ya see? When you present an award ya gotta come out there and BAM show 'em how ta do it. I’m here to present the Tampa Bay Buccaneer Award for Incredible Futility. This award goes to the team that is not only awful, but BAM! has a chance to achieve real lasting futility on a grand scale! This year, the award goes go…. [opens envelope] …TERRELL OWENS!!! Mr. Owens couldn’t be here tonight because he was too busy urinating on vagrants.











Thankfully that’s the end!














Of our careers













Those were done a long time ago.

[exunt!]

And now to the picks! But first a reminder, in deference to The Man, these picks are not for use as a detergent, solvent, or household cleaner. They are not to be touched, inhaled, or looked at. If for any reason you come into contact with one, consult a doctor immediately.

Buffalo at Detroit
-Bills leave Buffalo and its two feet of snow for Detroit and its 20 miles of urban hell.
-Last year the Lions problem was Joey Harrington. Fortunately, they're rid of him now. This year's problem: the rest of the organization.
Pick: Buffalo

Carolina at Baltimore
-Ravens may wind up winning the Superbowl, but they'll never really be winners because they’ll still live in Baltimore.
-To simulate Baltimore's defense, Carolina Coach John Fox put buckets over the heads of the offense and then had people hit them repeatedly with shovels.
Pick: Baltimore

Cincinnati at Tampa Bay
-Showing the same judgment that he does on the football field, Chris Simms turned down a contract offer with a $10M signing bonus this off season. Magic Spleen says...bad decision.
-Due to NFL's new restrictive celebratory rules, Chad Johnson planning to celebrate all his touchdowns at an exclusive NFL after-party.
Pick: Cincinnati

Houston at Dallas
-Terrell Owens played so badly last week against Philadelphia, that Fox identified him as a wide receiver for the Democrats.
or
Terrell Owens played so badly last week against Philadelphia that Fox identified him as Alex Rodriguez.
Vote now at www.youreastupidmoronforclickingonthislink.com!!
-If you go to www.terrellowens.com and click on “Owens Store” the second item for sale is [I am not making this up] popcorn.
Pick: Dallas

NY Mustachioed Giants at Atlanta
-Michael Vick's grasp of the offense only exceeded by his grasp of keeping his completion percentage below 50%.
-Following last week's success against Washington, due at least in part to LaVar Arrington's thievery of Washington's playbook, Arrington was excused from practice this week in order to attend to some "family matters" in Atlanta.
Pick: Atlanta

Philadelphia at New Orleans
-Eagles Coach Andy Reid hungry... must... eat... chicken fingers...
-The Saints, 4-1 on the strength of emotion generated by hurricane Katrina, hold a prayer session before each game thanking God for sending the hurricane and asking for a new one (preferably named "Harold").
Pick: New Orleans

Seattle at St Louis
-Rams best “worst 4-1 team in NFL history”
-Reason Seahawks historically lousy on the road: no SleepComfort beds at hotels.
Pick: St. Louis

Tennessee at Washington
-And now for David Blaine's next trick, he'll make the Redskin offense re-appear, but this time inside the ass of a goat! Then he'll eat it!
-Jeff Fisher has a dumb mustache! Ha ha! He looks like a 1970s guy who wears 1970s clothes! Ha ha!
-Redskins getting so bad that George Bush insists they’ll still make the playoffs.
Pick: Washington

Kansas City at Pittsburgh
-Not only did his Steelers win the Superbowl last season, but Pittsburgh coach Bill Cowher won the much ballyhooed NFL Mustache of the Year award in a close contest over runner up Jeff Fisher and Joey Porter, who technically doesn’t have a mustache, but threatened to eat any judge who didn’t vote for him.
Pick: Pittsburgh

Miami at NY Jets
-Taken from this year’s SAT test:
Eric Mangini is to Nick Saban as…
(correct answer) Vince Lombardi is to Steve Spurrier
-I’ll be the first to say it: Nick “Steve Spurrier” Saban! How do you spell ‘disaster’? N-I-C-K S-A-B-A-N!!
Pick: NY Jets

San Diego at San Francisco
-The winning city gets to keep the losers San.
Pick: San San Diego

Oakland at Denver
-Who is playing QB for the Raiders? This isn’t a joke, I honestly have no idea.
-Denver defense to take night off, to be replaced by Randy Moss
-Al Davis can’t be bothered by the state of the Raiders. He is too busy installing new low-flow toilets in the air-tight bunker a mile under his house.
Pick: Denver

Chicago at Arizona
Its time to play the Joe Theismann MNF Drinking Game!! The rules are simple: Anytime Joe says any of the following, take a drink:
1. “Now, see, that’s how you play defense.”
2. “Right now, this is the best defense in the NFL.”
3. “Right now, I’m fully erect right now.”
4. “RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrIBIT!!”
5. “I EAT MY OWN POOP!!! LOOK AT ME!! I’M JOE THEISMANN!! EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!”
Pick: Chicago

Next week: I podcast my own fecal events! Stay tuned!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

WEEK SIX: PICK UP STICKS, YOU FUCKING PENISHEAD!



This one's for Dave.

Week 6 is here, and not a moment too soon, I'd say. Especially if you're a Washington Redskins fan. In fact, I'm going to go ahead and wager that if you're a Redskins fan you're going to want week six to stay around like Groundhog Day. Especially so with Philly and NY on the road this week. Time to make up some ground, eh? Someone slip Vince Young a few horse tranqualizers.

[We're 1/3 of an inning into the ALCS and already the A's have more hits than Alex Rodriguez. In case you forgot, Alex had one more hit than Walt Disney did against the Tigers, thought ol' Walt didn't strike out as much.]

Send in those picks in the order they appear below if possible to matthew.kory@gmail.com. As always, I'll take 'em up until game time, which this week is 1pm EST on Sunday. Duh?

Here's the slate:

Buffalo at Detroit
Carolina at Baltimore
Cincinnati at Tampa Bay
Houston at Dallas
NY Colonial Coin Laundry Giants at Atlanta
Philadelphia at New Orleans
Seattle at St Louis
Tennessee at Washington
Kansas City at Pittsburgh
Miami at NY Jets
San Diego at San Francisco
Oakland at Denver
Chicago at Arizona (plus total points)

Good luck!

WINNER AND STANDINGS: WEEK 5


Not for use in some states (sorry, New York!)

We've come to the end of Week 5, a week fraught with the kind of tension you'd expect from a cheesy spy novel.

Who would win Monday Night? (Not Baltimore)

Who would guess the points correctly? (Nobody)

Who would win the girl? (Nobody, turns out she was a lesbian)

and most importantly...
WHO WOULD WIN THE DAMN POOL(poop!)?!?!

Jon Stover!!!

PSYCH!!! Ha ha! No, the winner was actually Sandy Kory who managed to take down the pool(poop!) by nailing 13 out of 14 games, and then picking the fewest points of anyone! Congratulations, Sandy! You win a dogeared copy of John Hodgeman's book, The Areas of My Expertise, featuring over 700 different names for hobos, from my bathroom! Yeah!

Actually, no, you win the Standard Weekly Prize (SWP) of $52, which you can put towards waxing your butt cheeks. (Warning: do not try this at home.)

So, in the interest of time (I do have other things to do besides blather on about the pool) (believe it or not) (and you may not), here's how this week finished up:

Sandy Kory 13-1
Jon Stover
Matthew Mariam
Andy Harris
Joey Bansen 11-3
Bill Denton
Dave Labowitz
Zach Klein
Matthew Kory
Joshu Shih
Scott Rozsa 10-4
George Smith
Karl Vaillancourt

Which means the overall standings look like this:

Andy Harris 52-22
Jon Stover 52-22
Sandy Kory 51-23
Joey Bansen 50-24
Matt Kory 50-24
Matthew Mariam 49-25
Joshu Shih 49-25
Karl Vaillancourt 49-25
Zach Klein 48-26
Bill Denton 47-27
Dave Labowitz 47-27
Scott Rozsa 47-27
George Smith 45-29

So, congrats to Sandy on his first WSP and good luck to you all next week.

Oh, and F the Yankees in the goat ass!!

Saturday, October 07, 2006

AROUND THE NFL WITH MATTY! Week 5



Margaret Thatcher Naked On A Cold Day! Margaret Thatcher Naked On A Cold Day!
Margaret Thatcher Naked On A Cold Day! Margaret Thatcher Naked On A Cold Day!
Margaret Thatcher Naked On A Cold Day! Margaret Thatcher Naked On A Cold Day!

Holly Poop on a stick, its Around the NFL with Matty!!

Today, thanks to a broken bottle of Coors Light and a stolen press pass (those two aren't related, I swear!) we had unprecedented access live from the parking lot at Lincoln Financial Field. This was until a security guard demanded more credentials and all we had to offer was a Bennigans "100 Beers Around The World" membership card. Unfortunately, that didn't do the trick.

Still we were there, in the very place where, in a meer 58 hours from now the Philadelphia Eagles will take on Terrell Owens! There may be other people involved in this too, we're not sure.

Despite our lack of access we here at ATNFLWM are prepared to get you, the reader, ready for the biggest sporting event Philadelphia has witnessed since "Free Herpes Day" at the Vet back in '84 (My genitals itch just thinking about it).

We're going to cover this thing from every angle conceivable. That includes the Oh-My-God-Terrell-Owens-is-a-Cowboy angle, the Oh-My-God-Terrell-Owens-isn't-an-Eagle angle, the Oh-My-God-Terrell-Owens-Is-A-Clubhouse-Cancer angle, the Oh-My-God-Terrell-Owens-Just-Tried-To-Off-Himself-And-Then-Denied-It angle, the Oh-My-God-Terrell-Owens-Doesn't-Like-Donovan-McNabb angle, the OhMy-God-Donovan-McNabb-Doesn't-Like-Terrell-Owens-Either-And-Doesn't-Want-To-Say-So-But-Might-Let-It-Slip-Kinda-By-Accident angle, and, of course, Oh-My-God-Potpourri.

So, with some perspective, ATNFLWM will now attempt to probe the crap out of this game, ney! world class event, like its a glow stick up some fat guy's ass (true story: someone who works at poison control told me yesterday that a fat guy called up and said he had a glow stick up his ass and couldn't get it out. Please don't ask why its pertinent that he's fat).

But before we get to all that, we're going to have to pay some bills. ATNFLWM is sponsored by:

Ass Insurance. Have you ever got your ass kicked, had yr ass handed to you, got your ass in a sling, or just had to get your ass out of there? Well, new Ass Insurance can help solve your unwarrented or unforseen ass issues. Get Ass Insurance today! See our website at www.XXXAssXXX.com for more information.


and by:

Clorox brand breath spray


and by:

Coors beer! The official beer of ATNFLWM! Remember, when you crack open a fresh can of Coors beer, you are supporting not only ATNFLWM (and what could be better than that?) but you are also supporting drinking cold cold Coors beer, which, on a good day, almost tastes like beer, a little bit anyway, and which encourages you to party ha…what? They pulled out already? Shit… aw well, that crap tastes like baboon urine anyway.


Having spent the better part of the past decade living in the City of Brotherly Love, I can say without hesitation that this game is as eagerly awaited as the Superbowl game two years ago, where Owens performed so admirably. Of course, this day may not be as triumphant for Owens. You never know what he'll ingest, of course. He could end up swallowing fifteen horse tranquilizers thinking they're really leftover Honey Nut Cheerios. (Note: This may or may not have a detrimental effect on his playing.)

Regardless, ATNFLWM would like to take a moment to actually analyze this game. For all of you who tuned in for fart jokes, please avert your eyes for a few paragraphs and we'll get back to it in a moment.

Beware! Actual Real Live Football Talk (ARLFT) Follows:

Back when Terrell Owens was with San Francisco, Bill and I nicknamed him "Moron M. Moron." Guess what the middle initial stands for. Owens is a selfish hedonistic malcontent, who's only thought each day is how he can get more attention directed his way. Fortunately for him he'll have plenty on Sunday. Eagles fans will be extra drunk, extra angry, and extra willing to let Owens know exactly how they feel about him, preferably with as little ambiguity as possible. And while I don't support any of the behavoir that is likely to take place, it certainly makes for good theater.

Any time Owens shows his face he's going to get booed, and he's likely to have objects thrown at him. He's going to be screamed at, sworn at, cursed at, rhetorically burned in effigy, damned, and his very destruction will be toasted. And so will that of his mother. I really hope she isn't at the game.

But its not like Owens hasn't brought most of this on himself. There was no town as ready to embrace him, and no town as prepared to love him despite his obvious faults, as Philadelphia. But after the Superbowl, a mounting number of incidents finally cumlinated in Owens dismissal from the team last season. In the process he managed to alienate just about everyone in the city, from coaches and teammates down to lowly sports radio callers (is there a lower form of life?). Guys who had chanted his name in praise now did it in red-faced anger. And if you don't think its real anger, I mean like beat-a-guy-up-and-kick-his-cat anger, then you've never been to Philly. This is real and palpable stuff.

I don't have the first clue how this will turn out. I think Dallas will win the game, likely because the Eagles won't have the use of their best offensive player, Brian Westbrook, but the game itself is really the sideshow here, a momentary diversion until the real entertainment arrives.

The circus is coming to town, and as a somewhat dispassioned observer (I hate both teams pretty much equally) I can't say I'm not looking forward to seeing the lion tamer stick his head in the mouth of the great beast, and possibly get hit by a flying bottle of urine in the process. Nothing like scorned love on a Sunday.

Years ago, Philly fans booed some chump dressed up as Santa Claus, and they've never lived it down. Count on at least six mentions of this each time the Eagles are featured in a national TV broadcast. Sunday has the potential to eclipse that.

This game could be the seminal moment in time for Eagles fans, the monument that gets seen time and again, "proving" what a massive bunch of goons people from Philadelphia are. As someone who has lived here a long time, and has come to love the city, the potential that this game displays does scare me a little. It is entirely possible that something awful could happen, in a way that makes this a defining moment for American sports, in the same way as soccer riots color european sports fanaticism, and 9/11 colors our thoughts on politics and tragedy.

Philadelphia is a powder keg, and Terrel Owens is a fuse. In the words of the great American Tommy Lasorda, "To the TV!"

You can exhale now. Here come the fart jokes!

A quick reminder, in deference to The Man, these picks are indeed intended to foster gambling, and as such please place little Johnny’s college funds down on any game you choose. All picks are guaranteed to be 100% correct!*

(*Note: Guarantee only applicable to monkeys living in Utah, Montana, or the Yukon Territories. Monkeys with more than 6 total fingers not eligible.)


Buffalo at Chicago
-Little Known Fact (LKF): Chicago defense so good they actually prevented the Seahawks from entering Soldier Field
-Dick Jaron not as stupid as previously thought. Example #1: He lives in Buffalo. On second thought, never mind.
Pick: Chicago

Cleveland at Carolina
-New ATNFLWM "Better Know An Actual Football Player Guy" (BKAAFPG) feature: This week, Kellen Winslow, Jr.
ATNFLWM: Kellen, you were passed over by the Redskins in the draft. Did you want to show them that they made a mistake when you crashed your motorcycle in a parking lot and missed all of the season?
Winslow: F*ck you!
ATNFLWM: Thanks for your time!
Pick: Carolina

Detroit at Minnesota
-ATNFLWM is happy to cede the microphone to Minnesota Vikings fan Carl Everett for some in-depth analysis of his favorite team: Listen when I tell you! The Earth is in danger! Space Dinosaurs will come in the form of Junior Mints! They will rain down upon the earth and feed on our nose hairs! We will all be in their thrall! Also, take the Lions and the points.
Pick: Minnesota

Miami at New England
-Dolphins team really is in disarray Exhibit 1: lineman wearing pants on head and shirts on legs.
-Dolphins team really is in disarray Exhibit 2: team seriously talking about trading FOR Randy Moss.
-Dolphins team really is in disarray Exhibit 3: If Nick Saban is fired, reports indicate new head coach could be Mr. Potatohead.
- Tom Brady planning on playing despite swollen throwing elbow which hindered him in last week’s game. “Its pretty sore.” Brady admitted to ATNFLWM. “Its inflated pretty badly, just like the media perception of Donovan McNabb, who isn’t a very good quarterback because he’s black.”
Pick: New England

St Louis at Green Bay
- Green Bay’s defense very similar to swiss cheese hats that fans wear on their heads: both have lots of holes (Ba-da-BOOOM!)
Pick: Green Bay

Tampa Bay at New Orleans
-Now that Superdome is fixed with $180M of taxpayer dollars, we can all get back to ignoring poor people again. Phew!
Pick: New Orleans

Tennessee at Indianapolis
-Dominic Rhodes working on new method to avoid “fumblitis”: Jam football up his ass
Pick: Indianapolis

Washington at NY Giants
-Good to see that someone is finally taking the disappearance of Southeast Jerome seriously.
-Reports indicate that erstwhile linebacker LaVar Arrington has not only stolen Redskins defensive playbook, but has also taken a box of pencils, a stapler, and three cans of ‘Tab’ from the coaches fridge.
-Santana Moss is a badass. It ain’t funny, but then neither is the rest of this crap.
Pick: Washington

Kansas City at Arizona
-Herman Edwards called Joe Gibbs yesterday asking if he could have his offense back.
-Army estimates Cardinals firing Dennis Green could take up to ten years and cost thousands of lives.
Pick: Kansas City

NY Jets at Jacksonville
-Chad Pennington eager for season to end so that he may get started on new project: Starring role in new NBC sitcom, Mr. Belvedere Returns Without Pants.
-Jaguars to introduce new mascot: Crazy One-Eared House Cat!












Pick: Jacksonville

Oakland at San Francisco
-You just can’t stop Randy Moss. He’s the best player in… what? Not 2000…its 2006?...Seriously?... fine!
-Alex Smith makes Marques Tuiasosopo look like Alex Smith
Pick: San Francisco

Dallas at Philadelphia
- 249 - actual Over/Under from Bally’s Atlantic City on Eagles fans who will attempt to urinate on Terrell Owens during course of game. My money's on the 'over.'
-ATNFLWM has obtained an exclusive photo of Jerry Jones hard at work in his office deep in the bowels of Valley Ranch:















Pick: Dallas

Pittsburgh at San Diego
-There appear to be signs that head coach Marty Schottenheimer’s act is wearing thin in San Diego after just a year and a half. For example, during Schottenheimer’s latest press conference, he said “My act is wearing thin. Maybe I should try being a ‘players coach’… no! Wait! A mime coach! Yeah, that’s it!”
Pick: San Diego

Baltimore at Denver
-Baltimore Head Coach Brian Billick most recent casualty of NBC's new game show, "Offense or No Offense."
-ATNFLWM has learned that Chris Simms spleen was not removed, it was stollen. The culprit? "You never know when you might need another spleen," said Jamal Lewis. "At the very least it cooks up real good."
Pick: Denver (24 points)

Next week: I tazer my own testicles and become a movie star! Stay tuned!