Thursday, October 19, 2006


Week 7: When I die and go to the place to touch monkeys in the sky…

Its time for AROUND THE NFL WITH MATTY (ATNFLWM!!)!! I’d like to offer you a sub-cockle-area greetings and salutations, my dear friends. How is it that we always seem to meet under such circumspect circumstances? I sit here and type this missive with full knowledge that I am preventing some handicapped (is that PC?) person from doing his/her work by occupying the only handicapped-accessible computer station here on campus. UPENN is nothing if not friendly to the less fortunate. For example, campus cops don’t use their nightsticks on locals very much. Why do I do this when there are clearly other less handi-friendly computers available, you may ask. Because I can, my friends. Because I can.

With Week 6 in the books as it were, Week 7 of the glorious NFL season is once again upon us. This means several things, such as its time to start firing us some coaches! Its time to separate the wheat from the chaff (I have no idea what “chaff” is, or even if you can separate it from "wheat")! Its time to start touching monkeys! Hey, how’d that get in there?

But most importantly its time to write the post-mortem for some teams, cause, well, they done. In the words of the great American, Deion Sanders, “Its time to close up SHOP. Ha HA!” (Emphasis on the second “ha”) (Editors note: we have no idea what Mr. Sanders is talking about).

So, with no further doo-doo (we swear our father actually says that), we’ll get right to ATNFLWM’s 2006-2007 NFL ’06 Post Mortems For Two Teams That Suck!! (ATNFLWM2006-2007NFL06ONFTTTS!!)

The Raiders. Oh, and wow are they bad. They should move back to LA. At least nobody there would care. Your ‘06 Raiders feature what we here at ATNFLWM call the 'lousy trifecta.' To wit: mis-appropriated spenditures of high draft picks, no-name no-skill players at key positions, and over-paid over-the-hill big names who are only interested in collecting a paycheck (not that I have a problem with that). Oh, I almost forgot how badly coached from top to bottom they are (no I didn’t). The head coach really wasn’t that good before he got fired, and that was 10 years ago. He got re-hired because he fulfilled two major requirements: 1) currently unemployed, 2) too stupid to turn job down. The most you can say for the Raiders is, while they are a terrible organization from the top to the bottom, at least they haven't kicked your dog. In the industry, this is known as “damning with faint praise.”

The Cardinals. They should also move to LA. Or Timbuktu. Anywhere were we don’t have to watch them on Monday Night Football ever again. Last week’s MNF game was like reliving Howard Dean’s presidential campaign. (In case you were wondering the “AIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!” moment was somewhere around the third quarter.) Here’s a quick synopsis of the MNF Game, featuring yours truly:

8:20pm, ten minutes before game starts – I officially call the game for Chicago. I go into the ATNFLWM Super Secret Spreadsheet (ATNFLWMSSS) and give everyone in the pool a point for chosing the Bears. Then I start writing the 8 page paper that is due at 9am the next day.

8:45pm, 14-0, Cardinals – Holy crap. I email Joshu and ask if he wants to change his pick to the Cardinals. He declines.

9:30pm, 20-0, Cardinals – Halftime. To kill time, I play "count the Rex Grossman turnovers” on my toes. An email to Joshu with the question “how about now?” elicits the reply, “not a chance.”

10:15pm, 23-3, Cardinals – Bears finally kick a field goal, but Arizona immediately answers back with one on their ensuing drive. O-V-E-R, I tell myself. I go back to writing my paper.

10:45pm, 23-3, Cardinals – I check the score. It’s the same. If the Cardinals can make it into the fourth quarter with a twently point lead, I think, they’ll win for sure. About this moment (and with 00:06 left in the 3rd quarter) Leinert fumbles and Mike Brown returns it for a touchdown.

10:46pm, 23-10, Cardinals – I become aware of the problems inherant with having a 13 point lead on a team capable of scoring multiple touchdowns.

11:00pm, 23-10, Cardinals – Bears driving to Cardinals 27 yard line where Grossman promptly throws yet another interception. “Done! Yer F’n done!” I shout, pointing at my big toe. "What are you doing?” my fiance says, looking up from her magzine.

11:01pm, 23-10, Cardinals – I begin writing the Week 6 Winners post to include a Cardinal win.

11:05pm, 23-17, Cardinals – I stop doing that.

11:10pm, 24-23, Bears – Holy poop on a stick…I can’t wait to see what Dennis Green has to say about this. I silently hope it includes the word “diddly-poo.”

11:20pm, 24-23, Bears – Mindful that my cable has been turned off, a friend of mine calls on the phone to describe the final minutes of what has somehow become a close game. He gives me the play-by-play over the phone thusly:
Cardinals have first and ten on the Bears 31… man, they’ve been moving the ball really well on this drive. Leinert looks like he’s got this one in hand. All they need is a field goal… Theres a seven yard pass… nice pass by Leinert… second and three… Its about a forty yarder from here. Not a gimme, but pretty makable… Handoff to Edge.. ahh, only a yard or so. Can’t understand why they’re running it now… third down and about three… This should be a pass... another handoff to Edge? He’s not going anywhere! What, did Dennis Green stick his head up his ass? What kind of asinine play calling was that? Oh well, here comes Rackers to try a 40 yarder for the win… and he… MISSED! OH MY GOD! He missed! [long pause] Oh my god…
Yes, somewhere people are laughing, and somewhere children are singing, but it ain't in Arizona, cause the Cardinals be DONE.

Now its time to pick the games until they scab and bleed! In deference to The Man, I declare that none of these picks have come into contact with spinach at any time, and are therefore safe to consume.

Carolina at Cincinnati
-Where, exactly, is “Carolina?”
-Personally, I’d prefer if the Bengals uniforms more closely resembled traffic cones.
Pick: Cincinnati

Detroit at NY Jets
-In attempt to copy the success of New England Head Coach Bill Belichick, Jets Head Coach Eric Mangini eating many many cupcakes.
-Did you know: if you rearrange the letters in “Matt Millen” you can spell “Moronic Jackass”?
Pick: NY Jets

Green Bay at Miami
-If Brett Favre can make it through this season without reverting back to inhaling painkillers we’ll know he’s cured for life.
-A little math for you: Brian Billick – “Genius” – Superbowl Ring = Nick Saban
Pick: Miami

Jacksonville at Houston
-Only in the NFL could Jacksonville beat Houston at anything ever.
Pick: Jacksonville

New England at Buffalo
-At latest press conference, New England head coach Bill Belichick answered questions in morse code.
Pick: New England

Philadelphia at Tampa Bay
-Eagles would have had the game last week if Head Coach Andy Reid hadn’t eaten it.
-This just in: To the dismay of Rush Limbaugh, Donovan McNabb still black.
Pick: Philadephia

Pittsburgh at Atlanta
-Michael Vick’s completion percentage inversely proportional to chances his brother will be locked up for life sometime in next five years
-When pointed at Falcons, Patented ATNFLWM Fraud-O-Meter beeps very loudly.
Pick: Pittsburgh

San Diego at Kansas City
-Which team is Marty Schottenheimereningsteiningtonville coaching again?
-Boy, that Herman Edwards is a keeper. Can’t understand what the Jets were doing letting him go.
Pick: San Diego

Denver at Cleveland
-Post career plans for Denver’s Jake Plummer involve putting some meaning behind that molester mustache.
-I call this game the ATNFLWM Battle Between Two Places You Couldn’t Pay Me To Live (ATNFLWMBBTPYCPMTL)
Pick: Denver

Arizona at Oakland
-Man, I’m really tempted to pick Oakland here…
-Probability Raiders finish 0-16, as estimated by the ATNFLWM Academy Of Estimating Things (ATNFLWMAOET): 25%
Pick: Arizona (honestly tempted to go with Oakland here, but...)

Minnesota at Seattle
-No Shawn Alexander means more donuts for the rest of us!
Pick: Seattle

Washington at Indianapolis
-This game is likely to be funnier than anything I can write here.
Pick: Indianapolis

NY “Layover In Atlanta” Giants at Dallas
-How long before Terrell Owens literally throws someone under a bus?
-It’s a shame this is the Monday Night game on ESPN because the only way to truly appreciate a game like this is with as many ex-Cowboys broadcasting it as possible.
Pick: Dallas (17 total points)

Next Week: I enter my lobster quiche in the state-wide contest! Stay tuned!

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