Saturday, October 07, 2006

AROUND THE NFL WITH MATTY! Week 5



Margaret Thatcher Naked On A Cold Day! Margaret Thatcher Naked On A Cold Day!
Margaret Thatcher Naked On A Cold Day! Margaret Thatcher Naked On A Cold Day!
Margaret Thatcher Naked On A Cold Day! Margaret Thatcher Naked On A Cold Day!

Holly Poop on a stick, its Around the NFL with Matty!!

Today, thanks to a broken bottle of Coors Light and a stolen press pass (those two aren't related, I swear!) we had unprecedented access live from the parking lot at Lincoln Financial Field. This was until a security guard demanded more credentials and all we had to offer was a Bennigans "100 Beers Around The World" membership card. Unfortunately, that didn't do the trick.

Still we were there, in the very place where, in a meer 58 hours from now the Philadelphia Eagles will take on Terrell Owens! There may be other people involved in this too, we're not sure.

Despite our lack of access we here at ATNFLWM are prepared to get you, the reader, ready for the biggest sporting event Philadelphia has witnessed since "Free Herpes Day" at the Vet back in '84 (My genitals itch just thinking about it).

We're going to cover this thing from every angle conceivable. That includes the Oh-My-God-Terrell-Owens-is-a-Cowboy angle, the Oh-My-God-Terrell-Owens-isn't-an-Eagle angle, the Oh-My-God-Terrell-Owens-Is-A-Clubhouse-Cancer angle, the Oh-My-God-Terrell-Owens-Just-Tried-To-Off-Himself-And-Then-Denied-It angle, the Oh-My-God-Terrell-Owens-Doesn't-Like-Donovan-McNabb angle, the OhMy-God-Donovan-McNabb-Doesn't-Like-Terrell-Owens-Either-And-Doesn't-Want-To-Say-So-But-Might-Let-It-Slip-Kinda-By-Accident angle, and, of course, Oh-My-God-Potpourri.

So, with some perspective, ATNFLWM will now attempt to probe the crap out of this game, ney! world class event, like its a glow stick up some fat guy's ass (true story: someone who works at poison control told me yesterday that a fat guy called up and said he had a glow stick up his ass and couldn't get it out. Please don't ask why its pertinent that he's fat).

But before we get to all that, we're going to have to pay some bills. ATNFLWM is sponsored by:

Ass Insurance. Have you ever got your ass kicked, had yr ass handed to you, got your ass in a sling, or just had to get your ass out of there? Well, new Ass Insurance can help solve your unwarrented or unforseen ass issues. Get Ass Insurance today! See our website at www.XXXAssXXX.com for more information.


and by:

Clorox brand breath spray


and by:

Coors beer! The official beer of ATNFLWM! Remember, when you crack open a fresh can of Coors beer, you are supporting not only ATNFLWM (and what could be better than that?) but you are also supporting drinking cold cold Coors beer, which, on a good day, almost tastes like beer, a little bit anyway, and which encourages you to party ha…what? They pulled out already? Shit… aw well, that crap tastes like baboon urine anyway.


Having spent the better part of the past decade living in the City of Brotherly Love, I can say without hesitation that this game is as eagerly awaited as the Superbowl game two years ago, where Owens performed so admirably. Of course, this day may not be as triumphant for Owens. You never know what he'll ingest, of course. He could end up swallowing fifteen horse tranquilizers thinking they're really leftover Honey Nut Cheerios. (Note: This may or may not have a detrimental effect on his playing.)

Regardless, ATNFLWM would like to take a moment to actually analyze this game. For all of you who tuned in for fart jokes, please avert your eyes for a few paragraphs and we'll get back to it in a moment.

Beware! Actual Real Live Football Talk (ARLFT) Follows:

Back when Terrell Owens was with San Francisco, Bill and I nicknamed him "Moron M. Moron." Guess what the middle initial stands for. Owens is a selfish hedonistic malcontent, who's only thought each day is how he can get more attention directed his way. Fortunately for him he'll have plenty on Sunday. Eagles fans will be extra drunk, extra angry, and extra willing to let Owens know exactly how they feel about him, preferably with as little ambiguity as possible. And while I don't support any of the behavoir that is likely to take place, it certainly makes for good theater.

Any time Owens shows his face he's going to get booed, and he's likely to have objects thrown at him. He's going to be screamed at, sworn at, cursed at, rhetorically burned in effigy, damned, and his very destruction will be toasted. And so will that of his mother. I really hope she isn't at the game.

But its not like Owens hasn't brought most of this on himself. There was no town as ready to embrace him, and no town as prepared to love him despite his obvious faults, as Philadelphia. But after the Superbowl, a mounting number of incidents finally cumlinated in Owens dismissal from the team last season. In the process he managed to alienate just about everyone in the city, from coaches and teammates down to lowly sports radio callers (is there a lower form of life?). Guys who had chanted his name in praise now did it in red-faced anger. And if you don't think its real anger, I mean like beat-a-guy-up-and-kick-his-cat anger, then you've never been to Philly. This is real and palpable stuff.

I don't have the first clue how this will turn out. I think Dallas will win the game, likely because the Eagles won't have the use of their best offensive player, Brian Westbrook, but the game itself is really the sideshow here, a momentary diversion until the real entertainment arrives.

The circus is coming to town, and as a somewhat dispassioned observer (I hate both teams pretty much equally) I can't say I'm not looking forward to seeing the lion tamer stick his head in the mouth of the great beast, and possibly get hit by a flying bottle of urine in the process. Nothing like scorned love on a Sunday.

Years ago, Philly fans booed some chump dressed up as Santa Claus, and they've never lived it down. Count on at least six mentions of this each time the Eagles are featured in a national TV broadcast. Sunday has the potential to eclipse that.

This game could be the seminal moment in time for Eagles fans, the monument that gets seen time and again, "proving" what a massive bunch of goons people from Philadelphia are. As someone who has lived here a long time, and has come to love the city, the potential that this game displays does scare me a little. It is entirely possible that something awful could happen, in a way that makes this a defining moment for American sports, in the same way as soccer riots color european sports fanaticism, and 9/11 colors our thoughts on politics and tragedy.

Philadelphia is a powder keg, and Terrel Owens is a fuse. In the words of the great American Tommy Lasorda, "To the TV!"

You can exhale now. Here come the fart jokes!

A quick reminder, in deference to The Man, these picks are indeed intended to foster gambling, and as such please place little Johnny’s college funds down on any game you choose. All picks are guaranteed to be 100% correct!*

(*Note: Guarantee only applicable to monkeys living in Utah, Montana, or the Yukon Territories. Monkeys with more than 6 total fingers not eligible.)


Buffalo at Chicago
-Little Known Fact (LKF): Chicago defense so good they actually prevented the Seahawks from entering Soldier Field
-Dick Jaron not as stupid as previously thought. Example #1: He lives in Buffalo. On second thought, never mind.
Pick: Chicago

Cleveland at Carolina
-New ATNFLWM "Better Know An Actual Football Player Guy" (BKAAFPG) feature: This week, Kellen Winslow, Jr.
ATNFLWM: Kellen, you were passed over by the Redskins in the draft. Did you want to show them that they made a mistake when you crashed your motorcycle in a parking lot and missed all of the season?
Winslow: F*ck you!
ATNFLWM: Thanks for your time!
Pick: Carolina

Detroit at Minnesota
-ATNFLWM is happy to cede the microphone to Minnesota Vikings fan Carl Everett for some in-depth analysis of his favorite team: Listen when I tell you! The Earth is in danger! Space Dinosaurs will come in the form of Junior Mints! They will rain down upon the earth and feed on our nose hairs! We will all be in their thrall! Also, take the Lions and the points.
Pick: Minnesota

Miami at New England
-Dolphins team really is in disarray Exhibit 1: lineman wearing pants on head and shirts on legs.
-Dolphins team really is in disarray Exhibit 2: team seriously talking about trading FOR Randy Moss.
-Dolphins team really is in disarray Exhibit 3: If Nick Saban is fired, reports indicate new head coach could be Mr. Potatohead.
- Tom Brady planning on playing despite swollen throwing elbow which hindered him in last week’s game. “Its pretty sore.” Brady admitted to ATNFLWM. “Its inflated pretty badly, just like the media perception of Donovan McNabb, who isn’t a very good quarterback because he’s black.”
Pick: New England

St Louis at Green Bay
- Green Bay’s defense very similar to swiss cheese hats that fans wear on their heads: both have lots of holes (Ba-da-BOOOM!)
Pick: Green Bay

Tampa Bay at New Orleans
-Now that Superdome is fixed with $180M of taxpayer dollars, we can all get back to ignoring poor people again. Phew!
Pick: New Orleans

Tennessee at Indianapolis
-Dominic Rhodes working on new method to avoid “fumblitis”: Jam football up his ass
Pick: Indianapolis

Washington at NY Giants
-Good to see that someone is finally taking the disappearance of Southeast Jerome seriously.
-Reports indicate that erstwhile linebacker LaVar Arrington has not only stolen Redskins defensive playbook, but has also taken a box of pencils, a stapler, and three cans of ‘Tab’ from the coaches fridge.
-Santana Moss is a badass. It ain’t funny, but then neither is the rest of this crap.
Pick: Washington

Kansas City at Arizona
-Herman Edwards called Joe Gibbs yesterday asking if he could have his offense back.
-Army estimates Cardinals firing Dennis Green could take up to ten years and cost thousands of lives.
Pick: Kansas City

NY Jets at Jacksonville
-Chad Pennington eager for season to end so that he may get started on new project: Starring role in new NBC sitcom, Mr. Belvedere Returns Without Pants.
-Jaguars to introduce new mascot: Crazy One-Eared House Cat!












Pick: Jacksonville

Oakland at San Francisco
-You just can’t stop Randy Moss. He’s the best player in… what? Not 2000…its 2006?...Seriously?... fine!
-Alex Smith makes Marques Tuiasosopo look like Alex Smith
Pick: San Francisco

Dallas at Philadelphia
- 249 - actual Over/Under from Bally’s Atlantic City on Eagles fans who will attempt to urinate on Terrell Owens during course of game. My money's on the 'over.'
-ATNFLWM has obtained an exclusive photo of Jerry Jones hard at work in his office deep in the bowels of Valley Ranch:















Pick: Dallas

Pittsburgh at San Diego
-There appear to be signs that head coach Marty Schottenheimer’s act is wearing thin in San Diego after just a year and a half. For example, during Schottenheimer’s latest press conference, he said “My act is wearing thin. Maybe I should try being a ‘players coach’… no! Wait! A mime coach! Yeah, that’s it!”
Pick: San Diego

Baltimore at Denver
-Baltimore Head Coach Brian Billick most recent casualty of NBC's new game show, "Offense or No Offense."
-ATNFLWM has learned that Chris Simms spleen was not removed, it was stollen. The culprit? "You never know when you might need another spleen," said Jamal Lewis. "At the very least it cooks up real good."
Pick: Denver (24 points)

Next week: I tazer my own testicles and become a movie star! Stay tuned!

No comments: