Friday, October 20, 2006

Sunday Crap-O-Rama: Week 7

Week 7: Poo-Poo A Go-Go

Thus far this season on ATNFLWM and the Sunday Crap-O-Rama (hey, there’s my new band name!), we have savagely uh… well, savaged the Oakland Raiders for being the most inept group of players and coaches to take to an NFL field in the past several decades. However, in the interest of fairness, equanimity, balance, and all those other things that don’t really exist anymore, I’d like to draw your attention to another professional sports team whose ineptitude rivals and possibly surpasses that of the Raiders.
Yes sir, it’s your Philadelphia Flyers.

(Wait… MY Flyers?!? Oh, right…)

Hey, who knew cadavers could skate?

Although it hadn’t been proven in a controlled clinical study before, I was indeed aware that cadavers could, in fact, lose every faceoff, commit a turnover on every outlet pass, lose the battle for every loose puck along the boards, fail to clear every rebound from in front of the net, grotesquely misfire on every pass, completely lose track of the nearest offensive player on every single opposition possession, absently concede the blue line like a Frenchman on every rush, and basically sit around stock-still waiting to decompose. That I knew.

So, by the time the NFL's week 7 games kick off on Sunday, be on the lookout for this behind the Flyers’ bench:

To which we say: "What The Fungus?"

Since the fourth and final game of the 2006 World Series is scheduled for Wednesday night and thus downtown Detroit will be a smoldering heap of soot by Friday, this may be my last chance to write about Major League Baseball and have it come off as remotely relevant.
(Fat chance, asshole.)

So let’s play Matty The K’s favorite game, “Player A Versus Player B”!
Player A cumulative postseason batting statistics: 35 G, 132 AB (15 BB), .280 BA, .375 OBP, .485 SLG
Player B cumulative postseason batting statistics: 27 G, 95 AB (12 BB), .189 BA, .291 OBP, .358 SLG

Supplementary information:
Player A is the worst player in the history of the playoffs, is the scourge of over 8 million people, is solely responsible for everything that has ever gone wrong with his team, barely meets the minimum qualifications to be a member of the human race, and should be pitched aboard a boat with a half-tank of gas and left to die at sea post-haste.

Player B, who plays the same defensive position as Player A, is universally respected and even loved. He’s got guts and spunk and grit and desire and hustle and toughness and Plays The Game The Right Way.

Player A plays for the most successful team in the history of the American League.
Player B plays for the most successful team in the history of the National League.
OK, you’ve figured it out by now; I ain’t that clever. Player A is Alex Rodriguez, Player B is Scott Rolen.

Why does Rolen get a free pass on his execrable playoff performance? In addition to his offensive floundering, he made atrocious fielding errors in games 6 and 7 of the NLCS and refused to speak to his own manager – T.O.-stylee – throughout the series.

Meanwhile – and although it’ll take no less than an Act of Congress to do it – everyone is lining up to try to run A-Rod out of New York on a rail, and a FOX TV bobblehead – apparently blind to what actually constitutes terrible hitting – actually referred to Placido “Quagmire” Polanco as “a terrible hitter” during a game broadcast last week.
(Note: Quagmire’s playoff sample size is too small to mess with, but he’s nowhere near the playoff albatross Rolen is, and he’s not a third baseman either, so he’s not expected to put up monstrous offensive numbers.)

Rolen gets a free pass because he plays in St. Louis, aka “Baseball Heaven,” the home base of FOX’s Joe Buck and Tim McCarver.

Could it be that the media doesn’t notice how bad a player is unless he’s booed at home? No wonder everyone has such a low opinion of the Philadelphia teams!

It would become widely recognized that Rolen is a legendary choker under one condition, and only one condition: if Joe Buck figures out a way to blame it on the Phillies.

Now, let’s get up an’ get to pickin’. “Llllllllet’s get ready to get readyyyyyy!!”

And, of course, in deference to The Man, Fuck Rolling Rock. [Editors Note: Fuck YOU, buddy!]

Philadelphia at Tampa Bay
-Eagles already down to one timeout in the first half of this game… and Andy Reid just pulled out the red flag to challenge my assessment of the Flyers.
Pick: Philadelphia

Pittsburgh at Atlanta
-The only way the Steelers lose this game is if they knock Michael Vick out of it early enough.
-What’s wrong with the Falcons? Michael Vick says it’s everyone but him. Everyone but him says it’s Michael Vick.
Pick: Pittsburgh

Carolina at Cincinnati
-Bengals to completely quit on the season after this week’s loss and go fuck some whores every Sunday morning instead.

Pick: Carolina

Detroit at NY Jets
­-If the Tigers clinch the World Series at home in Comerica Park, fans planning to riot are advised to go across the street and set fire to Ford Field instead.
Pick: J-E-T-S-Jets-Jets-Jets

Jacksonville at Houston
-State-of-the-art Reliant Stadium being occupied with the putrescent Texans is like Le Palais de Versailles being packed full of junked Renaults.
Pick: Jacksonville. Don’t care who starts at QB.

New England at Buffalo
-I think the NFL needs to step in and stop Bill Belichick: he’s been monkeying around with the injury reports too much.
[Matty: Did somebody say monkeys?!]
Take a look at this week’s report:
Patrick Pass, RB - Oct. 20 - OUT (toe)
Russ Hochstein, OG - Oct. 20 - QUESTIONABLE (knee)
Randall Gay, CB - Oct. 20 - QUESTIONABLE (scrotal calcification)
Reche Caldwell, WR - Oct. 20 - DOUBTFUL (Pavano Syndrome)
Rodney Harrison, S - Oct. 20 - PROBABLE (disrespect)
Tom Brady, QB - Oct. 20 - QUESTIONABLE (priapism)
Tebucky Jones, S - Oct. 20 - PROBABLE (foot odor)
Mike Vrabel, LB - Oct. 20 - QUESTIONABLE (illiteracy)
Pick: New England

Green Bay at Miami
-Also on the injury front, the Rat Bastard Fantasy league has denied the McManglers’ requests for an injury waiver for Daunte Culpepper on the grounds that being too godforsaken dumb to grasp the offense does not count as an injury.
Pick: Miami

San Diego at Kansas City
-Fearless prediction: This week Larry Johnson will incur another 15-yard penalty on an interception return when he tackles Shawne Merriman by his gargantuan wang.
Pick: San Diego

Denver at Cleveland
-Oil Can Boyd on Cleveland Municipal Stadium: “See what happens when you build a stadium next to the ocean?”
-Billie M.F. Smalls on Cleveland Browns Stadium: “See what happens when you build a stadium next to an inept front office and piss-poor players?”
-This week marks Courtney Brown’s return to his former home, except this time he’ll be standing in street clothes on the visitor’s sideline.
Pick: Denver

Minnesota at Seattle
-Mike Holmgren’s shit list:
1. Super Bowl officials
2. Rat finks in Minnesota front office who wrote Hutchinson contract
3. Texas A&M fans
4. Madden NFL ’07 Curse
5. Beano
Pick: Seattle, but they won’t cover.

Arizona at Oakland
-Matt Leinart looks very sharp so far but has yet to realize that he plays for the Arizona Cardinals.
-Art Shell took a huge step in repairing Raiders’ underachieving offensive line on Wednesday when he convinced tackle Robert Gallery to start playing in cleats instead of roller skates.
Pick: Arizona

Washington at Indianapolis
-To induce coaches to get him more involved in the offense, Clinton Portis to unveil new disguise Sunday: Santana Moss.
-How rancid is my fantasy football team? I spent a solid 20 minutes this afternoon trying to concoct a way to acquire Santana Moss.
Pick: Indianapolis

New York He’s Just Like You, Only Mildly Retarded Giants at Dallas
-In an attempt to satiate public's desire for continuous T.O. coverage, ESPN to point Hubble Space telescope at him on the Cowboys' sideline throughout Monday night broadcast.
-In the event of an underthrown pass in his direction, T.O. planning to sneak up on Drew Bledsoe on the sideline and beef in his face.
-Contrary to previous reports on ATNFLWM, the man charged with the NFL stadium dirty bomb hoax was, in fact, not Terrell Owens.
Pick: Pokes 24-20; T.O. detonates a small explosive device in his pants after scoring a TD.

That’s it from Crap-O-Central this week, folks. Tune in next week when we, like, totally bonk.

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