Monday, November 27, 2006


"I believe I can fly!"

Remember, this week's games start on Thursday at 8pm EST (that would be the BAL/CIN game). I'll need all of your picks for the week by then if you are to be eligible for the Weekly Standard Prize, for which all of you surely would lay down your lives to win.

Here's the slate for Week 13. Good luck!
Baltimore at Cincinnati
Arizona at St Louis
Atlanta at Washington
Dallas at NY Giants
Detroit at New England
Indianapolis at Tennessee
Jacksonville at Miami
Kansas City at Cleveland
Minnesota at Chicago
NY Jets at Green Bay
San Diego at Buffalo
San Francisco at New Orleans
Tampa Bay at Pittsburgh
Houston at Oakland
Seattle at Denver
Carolina at Philadelphia (plus total points)


"As proof of my love for you, I give you my finger."

Week 12 is in the books, and its time to update you all on the standings, both for the week and for the year. First, I give you the yearly standings:

1. Sandy Kory, 113-63
2. Joey Bansen, 112-64
3. Jon Stover, 111-65
4. Joshu Shih, 109-67
5. Scott Rosza, 107-69
5. Matthew Kory, 107-69
5. Zack Klein, 107-69
8. Karl Vaillancourt, 106-70
9. Andy Harris, 104-72
9. Matthew Mariam, 104-72
11. George Smith, 103-73
12. Bill Denton, 100-76
13. Dave Labowitz, 97-79

The winner for Week 12 came down to two things: 1) Monday Night points, and 2) my incompetence. Fortunately for me, you guys remain vigilant and can cover up my mistakes, and I'm thankful for that. So, without further poo-poo, the final standings for Week 12 look thusly:

1A. Karl Vaillancourt, 13-3 (54 points)
1B. Joshu Shih, 13-3 (45 points)
1C. Sandy Kory, 13-3 (43 points)
1D. Jon Stover, 13-3 (17 points)
4. George Smith, 12-4
4. Bill Denton, 12-4
4. Scott Rozsa, 12-4
4. Andy Harris, 12-4
9. Joey Bansen, 11-5
9. Matthew Kory, 11-5
11. Zack Klein, 10-6
12. Dave Labowitz, 9-7
13. Matthew Mariam, 9-7

Yes, Week 12 came down to total points, because four of you kicked ass this week (as opposed to the Steelers who go their ass kicked) and won 13 games. The Seahawks and Packers totaled 58 points on Monday Night, and this makes Karl Vaillancourt the winner for the first time since Week 1. Karl, who must think I hate him after the way he's won these two weeks, (for the record, I don't hate you Karl), is this week's big weiner! Congratulations, Karl! You win the Weekly Standard Prize of $52. Stay tuned for the schedule for Week 13, coming soon!

Thursday, November 23, 2006

The Thursday Crap-O-Rama?

Week 12: I’m Ron Burgundy?

Welp, the window’s closed. Thud. The Eagles have become an absolutely hopeless cause for at least the next 18 months, and I have no idea what to do with myself. It’s been a while since it’s been like this.

It’s an odd feeling, knowing your team is going to completely bottom out but hasn’t done it yet. It’s going to get worse before it gets better. The culture’s gotta change. The centerpieces have rotted. Insert empty clichés here. As always, please try to mix your metaphors as clumsily as possible.

It’s 1983 all over again, except with Andy Reid in an unprecedented dual role: half of him is playing the outward-bound Dick Vermeil and the other 200 pounds of shit is playing the incoming Marion Campbell. It took three years to ferret Campbell out of there an another two for his replacement to drag the team back to respectability. How much rope is the greatest coach in franchise history going to get? A decade? I don’t remember the coaching acumen of Tom Landry or Chuck Noll deteriorating this quickly, so, while stability of that nature is a noble goal, it’s time to stop thinking about that slice o’ pie in the sky, eh.

At least this time, the franchise has the benefit of an owner whose life savings aren’t hemorrhaging onto a blackjack table in Atlantic City, and who’s more concerned with running a good organization than selling used cars. (Note to those of you fortunate enough not to be Eagles fans: those are references to the two owners the Eagles had during the 1983-1987 period, Leonard Tose and Norman Braman, respectively. Sad, ain’t it?)

Which leads me to this:

[puts shotgun in mouth]

No, no, that’s in poor taste. Hope you’ve found some peace, Andre.

(Makes you wonder about the effects of adoration from the Philadelphia faithful, rare as it is. If we showed any affection to Mike Schmidt or Steve Carlton in their day, they’d probably be dead now. Still, I can’t believe the three biggest icons on the team of my youth are all dead. And Dexter Manley and Lawrence Taylor are still alive – as of press time, at least.)

Ah, shit, where had I led myself up there? Oh, here:

The Redskins.

(Man, that wasn’t even close to a full “sportscaster paragraph.” I’m developing a mastery of this.)

Yeah, the Redskins. Maybe Boy $nyder’s got it right after all. Sure, they’ve had only two winning seasons in the dozen-odd years he’s owned the team, but every year, he manufactures, packages, and sells hope, and as someone who’s got none of it all of the sudden, I know that’s a precious commodity. Don’t discount the value of mere hope to a fan; it’s why we have wild-card entries to the playoffs, so more fans can savor ‘em some of that precious hope.

Boy $nyder neglects the draft and the salary cap and overspends on big-name, over-the-hill players. He insulates himself with a front-office full of yes men. He squeezes every last nickel out of every imaginable revenue stream, even when they threaten to compromise his team’s competitive advantages. (See: Charging admission to practices.) But when was the last time that, at the beginning of training camp, you could look at the Redskins and say, “they have no shot whatsoever to compete for a playoff spot”?

I think Richie Petitbon was the coach the last time that happened.

At least the $kins’ organizational management theories, misguided as they may be, produce a sliver of hope every year. Maybe, just maybe, if everything breaks right and everyone stays healthy and Player X has just one more good year left in his creaky old bones, we’ll be right there at the end.

I don’t know when I’ll be able to say that about my team.

Unless I change teams. And if that were possible, it’d have already happened. Lord knows I’ve tried.

Now, let’s pick on these games until they finally can’t stand it anymore and slap me across the face with their enormous shadow-casting hand. But first, a reminder: next time you see me just lay on the ground ‘cause you dead. You a dead man, that’s all! Mind ya bidness!

Carolina at Washington
You can hope in one hand and shit in the other one, and… you know how that goes, I guess.
Pick: Carolina

Miami at Detroit
Dolphins versus Lions, aka “The Sorry Joey, Now We Realize It Was Matt Millen’s Fault All Along Bowl.”
Pick: Miami

Tampa Bay at Dallas
I am planning to attend the Cowboys’ Super Bowl parade just so I know what one looks like. Dave, let me know if you want me to send pictures.
Pick: Dallas

Denver at Kansas City
Lamar Hunt has been whining for years about the Cowboys and Lions getting exclusive Thanksgiving home games, and now he finally gets one of his own. Of course, no one will see it. He has moved on to requesting that the NFL build him a Tim Hortons in Overland Park, Kans.
Pick: Kansas City

Arizona at Minnesota
Visionary coach Brad Childress has ushered in a new paradigm of NFL football: Run the ball, stop the run, still suck ass.
Pick: Arizona

Chicago at New England
Here’s a perfect opportunity for Bill Belichick to use all the crazy defensive schemes that don’t work on Peyton Manning anymore.
Pick: New England

Cincinnati at Cleveland
Another week of hilarious taunting was cut short when Chad Johnson couldn’t remember the name of anyone who plays defensive back for the Browns.
Pick: Cincinnati

Houston at NY Jets
Two teams with atrocious defenses that will still struggle to score 17 points on each other.
Pick: Jets

Jacksonville at Buffalo
This is a regular Sunday game, which means Jack Del Rio is a moron again. Won’t hurt him in this game.
Pick: Jacksonville

New Orleans at Atlanta
The next time Michael Vick tests his 40-yard time he should do it on a 39-yard dock.
Pick: New Orleans

New York Potrzebie System of Weights and Measures Giants at Tennessee
Tom Coughlin finally figured out why Eli Manning’s passes continue to be chronically errant despite improved mechanics: He’s trying to impersonate that old McDonald’s commercial: “Off Shockey’s awesome patriotic tattoo, off the scoreboard, off the down marker, off the safety’s balls, nothing but Plax’s hands!”
Pick: New York Ralph & Rhonda Giants

Philadelphia at Indianapolis
Unfortunately NBC’s flex scheduling rights don’t allow them to put this game back where they found it and replace it something worth watching, like a Grand Prix race with all the cars driven by unmedicated epileptics.
Pick: Indianapolis

Pittsburgh at Baltimore
If Brian Billick is a fool and no one is there to prove it, is he still a fool? I say yes.
Pick: Baltimore

San Francisco at St. Louis
After getting totally humiliated on the road last week, the Rams find a way to win against a decent but beatable team. (Really, was that any less funny than any of the other horseshit I’ve written?)
Pick: St. Louis

Oakland at San Diego
San Diego scoreboard operator treated for exhaustion… Film at eleven.
Pick: San Diego

Green Bay at Seattle (plus total points)
Another exhibit of why it was a good idea for the NHL to schedule its national TV games on Monday nights.
Pick: Seattle 243, Green Bay 174

(Really, it’s not like I’m going to get enough games right to get to a tiebreaker, so I may as well predict 417 points.)

Alright, show’s over. Enjoy the turkey neck. And if you see that pinko commie Matty, don’t forget to goof on him. He hates our freedom so much that he doesn’t even eat Thanksgiving turkey!

Tuesday, November 21, 2006



Happy Turkey Day everyone, from your friends here at Around The NFL With Matty HQ (TATNFLWMHQ). Its time to celebrate the holiday by eating enough food to make third world countries sick just looking at us! And don't forget to get that Christmas shopping list ready, because we've only got so many days left to waste our disposable income buying stupid shit that people won't use! Personally, I can't wait! Also, I love exclamation points!

This week, ATNFLWM will give you a comprehensive list of the things we are thankful for. Some of them will be serious, some of them might make you cry, but all of them are guaranteed to make you throw up. Such is the power of ATNFLWM's List Making Team (ATNFLWMLMT)! But first, this week's edition of ATNFLWM is brought to you by:

Drug Stores! Remember, when Christmas eve comes around and you don't have a gift for that special someone, head to your local drug store and get them a beautiful bright green soap dish, or a yummy box of crackers, or that plastic folding chair they've always wanted! Yay, drug stores!

...and by Santa:

Santa: Don't think I wasn't looking when you did that awful thing! You'll be sorry, I swear to God!

So, this week, ATNFLWM Presents The Comprehensive List Of All The Dumb Crap That ATNFLWM Is Thankful For This Holiday Season (ATNFLWMPTCLOATDCTATNFLWMITFTHS). And, let me tell you, there are many things. So many, in fact, that you may wear your browser out just looking at them all. But, no matter. This will not stop ATNFLWM! TO THE LIST!!

ATNFLWM is thankful for...
  1. Lousy and uninformed sports announcers
  2. Corporate Welfare
  3. New Music
  4. Awesome Music
  5. Cool Ideas, even if they may never happen
  6. Pretty Islands (hey, theres no rules here)
  7. Massive Wastes of Time
  8. Oh my God is this stupid
  9. Yummy delicious Beer
  10. Bill O'Reilly
  11. Keith F'n Olbermann
  13. Reasons to live
  14. Racist Pricks having to apologize for being racist pricks on national TV
  15. Getting my first hit since College
  16. Nobody Likes Derek Jeter
  17. Real. Intelligent. Football. Commentary.
  18. Good people doing a good job.
  19. The Power of Positive Thinking
  20. Thanksgiving!
And now to the picks! But first, a reminder: these picks have not been sanitized, and as such ATNFLWM, its subsidiaries, and conglomerates, relieve themselves (on you) of any liability or VD that they may cause. And now, in deference to The Man, Happy F'n Thanksgiving, people!

Thursday, Nov 23 (first game at 12:30pm EST)
Miami at Detroit
-What did we as a society do to deserve to watch one of the worst NFL franchises over and over and over every damn Thanksgiving? I hate the Cowboys, but at least they're decent sometimes.
Pick: Miami

Tampa Bay at Dallas
-Cowboys wide receiver Terrell "Moron M. Moron" Owens planning special 'thanksgiving themed' touchdown celebration. It involves a turkey, his ass, and your imagination. Enjoy!
Pick: Dallas

Denver at Kansas City
-Jake Plummer recently named "The #1 Threat To Our Way Of Life" by Beard Illustrated
Pick: Kansas City
Sunday, Nov 26
Arizona at Minnesota
-Just when you think the Cardinals are d-o-n-e donedonedone! they go and win a game last week. Well you can expect that trend to end this week. These are, after all, the Cardinals.
Pick: Minnesota

Carolina at Washington
-With semi-rookie Jason Campbell firmly ensconced in the starting quarterback role and Mark Brunell crying in his metamucil, the Redskins have a real shot to look better when losing.
-Skins coach Joe Gibbs really looking forward to losing to a "stand up team like Carolina." Said Gibbs, "It should be a great experience. I can't wait."
Pick: Carolina

Chicago at New England
-Bill Belachick has the fashion sense of a dead slug
-I can't spell "Belichick" worth a damn
Pick: Chicago

[Editor's note: from here on in i'm not going to actually write anything funny]

Cincinnati at Cleveland
-Cleveland: Its smelly!
Pick: Cincinnati

Houston at NY Jets
-Chad Pennington has herpes!
Pick: NY Jets

Jacksonville at Buffalo
-Buffalo: the city with herpes!
Pick: Jacksonville

New Orleans at Atlanta
-not that anyone in Atlanta cares.
Pick: Atlanta

NY GONJA!! Giants at Tennessee
-Tiki Barber too much a standup guy to run over the middle.
Pick: NY Extreme Incontinence Giants

Philadelphia at Indianapolis
-The Eagles actually had 9 wins, but Andy Reid ate them. HA!
Pick: Indianapolis

Pittsburgh at Baltimore
-Apparently there is a sandwich in Pittsburgh called "the Roethlisberger" which involves mayo and a fried egg and a bunch of other shit designed to kill you.
Pick: Baltimore

San Francisco at St Louis
-49ers for real, tho.
Pick: St. Louis

Oakland at San Diego
-Raiders aren't any good! They're terrible, in fact! Not a good football team at all!
Pick: San Diego
Monday Night
Green Bay at Seattle
-Brett Favre should retire to a life of honor in southwest Mississippi.
Pick: Seattle (31)
Next Week: I don't do shit! Stay tuned!

Monday, November 20, 2006

WEEK TWELVE: Yoo can doo eet!

Look! A two-headed doggy DJ!

Some important reminders here:
  1. From here on in (with, I think, one exception) there will be games on Thursdays. So, I'll need your picks before game time on Thursday. As always, each week I'll tell you when game time is. This week, the first game is Thursday 12:30pm EST.
  2. For those of you not in the East you should probably send in your picks by the end of the day Wednesday. Either that or be prepared to do so early on Thursday morning.
  3. If someone forgets to send in their picks, or sends them in late, I'll give you the favorites for each game you're late on, but you will not be eligible to win the prize for that week.
As always, heres this week's slate of games:

Thursday, Nov 23 (first game at 12:30pm EST)
Miami at Detroit
Tampa Bay at Dallas
Denver at Kansas City
Sunday, Nov 26
Arizona at Minnesota
Carolina at Washington
Chicago at New England
Cincinnati at Cleveland
Houston at NY Jets
Jacksonville at Buffalo
New Orleans at Atlanta
NY Pooping Your Pants Is The Coolest Giants at Tennessee
Philadelphia at Indianapolis
Pittsburgh at Baltimore
San Francisco at St Louis
Oakland at San Diego
Monday Night
Green Bay at Seattle (plus total points)
Good luck and a Happy Thanksgiving to all of you.


Week 11 is in the books, and much like every other week in this glorious NFL season, I didn't win. This is nothing new of course, and hardly noteworthy, except for the fact that I'm running this damn pool and you all have to read whatever I want to write about, even if what I want to write about is me losing. So there. Dammit.

Enough crap. With MNF pretty much over (Jacksonville is stomping on the NY Lesser Mannings) we have a winner for Week 11. Actually, we had a winner yesterday because this winner ran away with the damn thing this week, as you shall soon see. So, a big MFSAFP(p!)! congratulations to:

Joshu Shih!

Congrats Joshu! You win a week at Arizona Cardinals Fantasy Camp! The fantasy part is that there are no actual Cardinals players at the camp! Yeah! Also, there is no food! Yah! No, unfortunately for you, you win the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) of $52. Heres how the rest of us did:
1. Joshu Shih, 13-3
2. Jon Stover, 12-4
3. Scott Rozsa, 11-5
4. Joey Bansen, 10-6
5. Karl Vaillancourt, 9-7
5. Sandy Kory, 9-7
5. Andy Harris, 9-7
5. Dave Labowitz
5. Matthew Kory, 9-7
10. Matthew Mariam, 8-8
10. William Denton, 8-8
10. Zack Klein, 8-8
13. George Smith, 7-9
This week marks an impressive milestone here at MFSAFP(p!)!: the 100 win barrier. We have two players who have reached or exceeded that mark, so congratulations to you bastards as well. Heres how we're stacking up after 11 hot wet weeks of hot wet NFL guessing action:
1. Joey Bansen, 101-59
2. Sandy Kory, 100-60
3. Jon Stover, 98-62
4. Zack Klein, 97-63
5. Matthew Kory, 96-64
5. Joshu Shih, 96-64
7. Matthew Mariam, 95-65
7. Scott Rozsa, 95-65
9. Karl Vaillancourt, 93-67
10. Andy Harris, 92-68
11. George Smith, 91-69
12. William Denton, 88-72
13. Dave Labowitz, 88-72
Remember, this week (Week 12) starts this Thursday at 12:30pm EST. I'll post the matchups soon. Don't forget to send in yr picks early this week. As always, good luck!

Saturday, November 18, 2006



Welcome to Week 11 on Around The NFL With Matty (ATNFLWM). There will be little actual football content today, because "Matty" is in a great amount of pain after playing football a little too seriously with some people who are much younger and in much better shape than he is. Uh, ow? "Matty" should probably know better, but sadly, he does not. In fact, he does not to such an extent, that this is the third week in a row he's made the same mistake. This is akin to drinking bleach, throwing up, drinking bleach, throwing up, and then thinking, "hmm... ya know what I'd like to do? Drink some bleach! That stuffs yummy!"

As a result, this ridiculous screed, as my counterpart Billie MF'n Smalls likes to call it, is written in a prone position on a couch covered by cat poop. The first part I've covered above. These second is because "Matty" decided that before he goes out and gets his ass kicked by younger athletic-looking people, he should make sure that when he comes home he'll be able to obtain comfort by interjecting himself into the middle of a good old fashioned cat fight. Nothing makes one feel more at home, comforted, and safe than two cats attempting to claw the crap out of each other.

So, not only has "Matty" essentially rendered himself immobile thanks to what the young people call "running" but he gets to further his injuries by playing cat goalie when he comes home. Cat goalie, for those of you who's lives have not been touched by the animals, is when a cat wants to go into a room and you, for some reason, do not want the cat to do so. There are many reasons one must play cat goalie. For instance, there could be a birthday cake in the other room that the cat wants to eat the icing off of it. (Note: this actually happened to me when I was ten.) There could be an open toilet filled with fecal matter that the cat wants to jump into (this, also, has actually happened). Or, such as in this case, there could be another cat in the other room, who is deserving of having its innards ripped out.

In any case, you must position yourself in the doorway and crouch down with your arms out awaiting the cat, much like a hockey goalie would await a puck. This is how Cat Goalie got its name. Your job as Cat Goalie, and the point of the game, is to protect the goal or "doorway" from being entered by the puck, or "cat". This is very difficult. Possibly more so than playing actual hockey. Because, while hockey pucks can reach high rates of speed, they don't have claws. Or teeth. Also, they don't, when landing on your face, propel themselves off of you by gripping your eyes with their claws and then launching themselves through the goal, or doorway. Another advantage to playing actual goalie, is that it is unlikely that the puck would decide to poop on your couch.

As always, ATNFLWM is sponsored by:

Chevrolet: Building cars sized proportionally to the cost of gas. Chevy says, "Suck it up, bitches!"

and by: Jo Mama!

And now, because I ain't feel'n it:


As always, in deference to The Man, all picks have been sterilized for your protection. Should the seal be broken, please mail the pick, the receipt for said pick, the seal, a picture of a southern blue-nosed seal, an actual southern blue-nosed seal, a goat, your neighbor's '98 VW Beetle, and another goat, to the address provided.

Atlanta @ Baltimore
-Anyone have any idea if Michael Vick is going to bother to try this week? The man breaks down with the frequency of my neighbor's '84 Saab, a car my fiance has affectionately nicknamed "the shitbox."
Pick: Baltimore

Buffalo @ Houston
That is all.
Pick: Buffalo

-The only thing that can stop the Bears this year is themselves... well, that and a tanker truck driven by George Allen's political career.
Pick: Chicago

Cincinnati @ New Orleans
-A lack of hotel rooms in New Orleans thanks to Hurricane Katrina has caused a change in schedule. The Bengals will now play the Houston Texans instead.
Pick: New Orleans

Indianapolis @ Dallas
-Lots of people jumping on the Dallas bandwagon here. Well, we here at ATNFLWM would like to remind you folks who yr putting yr money on. The Dallas Cowboys:
  1. ...are coached by a man with bigger breasts than anyone I've ever dated.
  2. ...have a star receiver who's idea of working out involves fatigues, a driveway, and about 100 members of the fourth estate.
  3. ...have a quarterback named Tony Homo. Apparently.
  4. players have collectively done enough cocaine to destroy an entire herd of livestock.
  5. ...have an owner who's face, thanks to the wonder of plastic surgery, is completely unable to express emotion.
Pick: Indianapolis

Minnesota @ Miami
-You know how old Brad Johnson is? His face is on the money he gets paid with.
Pick: Miami

New England @ Green Bay
-Can the Patriots lose three in a row? Well, let me answer that question with another question. Can my new cat crap on my couch?
Pick: New England

Oakland @ Kansas City
-The only way to make the Raiders worse is for Al Davis to marry Dan Snyder.
Pick: Kansas City

Pittsburgh at Cleveland
-What are the chances that Bill Cowher ends up coaching the Cleveland Browns next season? Eh?!? EH HEH!? EHHHH!?!?!?.... uh... mm... nevermind.
Pick: Pittsburgh

St Louis at Carolina
-The Rams just aren't fun anymore now that Mike Martz is gone. Which brings me to the Around The NFL With Matty Mike Martz Is Crazy Joke Of The Day (Sponsored by Quiznos)! (ATNFLWMMMICJOTD(SBQ)!)
Q: Whats red and white and yellow all over?
A: Mike Martz after breaking into a pet store (that was open anyway) and eating a parakeet.
Pick: Carolina

Tennessee at Philadelphia
-Andy Reid got his own TV show here in Philly. Its called, "Eating with Andy Reid." Theres no dialog, just chewing. Also, there was a guest host, but Andy ate him.
Pick: Philadelphia

Washington at Tampa Bay
-The Redskins best chance to win this game: Let the Bucs score and then hope that the ensuing cannon shot takes out their defense.
Pick: Washington

Detroit at Arizona
-The Arizona Cardinals: The Sucking Chest Wound Of Sports
Pick: Detroit

Seattle at San Francisco
-If the 49ers disbanded tomorrow, would any other team sign any of their players? OK, OK, besides the Redskins, I mean.
Pick: Seattle

San Diego at Denver
-Theres nothing funny about this game. Move on, people.
Pick: San Diego

NY Paternity Suit Giants at Jacksonville
-Tom Coughlin employs a group of midgets full-time to race small cars on a small track in the basement of his home for his own amusement. Discuss.
Pick: NY "He had come a long way to this blue lawn, and his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it." Giants (33)

Next Week: I practice the ancient art of turd launching. Stay tuned!

The Sunday Crap-O-Rama: Week 11

Week 11: “Hey man, want some corn?”

My ineptitude has clearly reached carrying capacity. There’s no way for me to claw my way to the top of the standings in the remaining weeks, so I’m going to offer some transparency this week as a cry for help.

This week, instead of telling you that I saw Jack Del Rio throwing his own feces or that Brian Billick masturbates in front of a mirror, I’m going to develop a lucid rationale for predicting a winner in each game and then clearly explain it to you, the hopelessly lost reader.

(Note: this week I am writing the introduction – this part – before writing the picks section, so I am yet unsure what I will write about the individual games. However, it should be noted that my pseudo-academic dissertations on this week’s matchups may be much funnier than the things I normally write with the intent of making someone laugh.)

Then, after the games have been played, there will be a decisive record on the mindset that led me to predict the wrong outcome in approximately 75% of them. And I freely invite any recommendations and admonishments, as long as you don’t talk about my momma.

If this drastic step doesn’t lead to some tangible improvements in my NFL prognostication skills, I will have to admit that either (1) NFL results are essentially as random as the roll of a die, or (2) my once sharp mind has atrophied to such an extent that its capacity is not dissimilar to that of a large gourd, and that perhaps I would be well served to attach strings to my teeth so someone could play my head like an African kora.

Now, onward and further downward with the picks. But first, a reminder that tha Dirt Dog is not one to be fucked wiff.

Also: R.I.P. Vincent Edward “Bo” Schembechler.

Atlanta at Baltimore
Atlanta’s defensive injuries have clearly taken a toll, the raw numbers bear out that their running game isn’t close to where it was last year (has Dunn finally hit the wall… in a contract year?), and the game’s in Baltimore. Pretty easy.
Pick: Bawlmer

Buffalo at Houston
Both of these teams have awful records, but are moving in opposite directions. Houston’s defense appears to be improving significantly, and they’ve recently had some close losses and a win at Jacksonville. Buffalo’s offense hasn’t been able to get out of its own way in weeks, and J.P. Losman looks terrible. Plus, the game’s in Houston. Again, pretty easy.
Pick: Houston

Chicago at New York Jets
The Jets have been playing over their heads, but I can’t imagine they can beat the Bears unless Rex Grossman totally stinks up the place.
Pick: Chicago

Cincinnati at New Orleans
Cincinnati has regressed in too many ways to count, partially because of injuries. The O-line and linebackers are all shot to hell and both cornerbacks seem to have regressed. New Orleans has had a sharp, consistent, relatively mistake-free offense, and now has en estimable home-field advantage.
Pick: New Orleans

Indianapolis at Dallas
Many writers and pundits are picking the Cowboys to win this game based on the rationale that the Colts just gotta lose sometime. That doesn’t wash. The Colts have problems with 3-4 defenses, but generally teams run that defense because they’ve got players who suit it (or in the case of the Chargers, because they have a defensive coordinator who’s mastered it); the Cowboys, however, pulled the decision to run a 3-4 directly out of The CarTuna’s enormous ass. And now Greg Ellis is out for the season. Although Dallas’ cornerbacks are excellent, I think Peyton Manning can carve up the safeties and the Cowboys won’t be able to get enough pressure on Manning.
Pick: Colts.

Minnesota at Miami
Minnesota is moving backwards in a hurry. Brad Johnson is turning the ball over, their O-line isn’t anywhere near as good as most people thought it’d be, and they’re not running the ball well. Meanwhile, Miami has finally sorted out its offensive line, which is allowing Ronnie Brown to put up the type of numbers his skills would indicate. (Seriously. He’s really good.) However, the Vikings have a great run defense. (Take the under.) I’m figuring Miami’s defense will be able to force a couple turnovers and squeak one out at home.
Pick: Miami

New England at Green Bay
It’s very tempting to pick Green Bay here, as they have shown a huge amount of improvement in their offensive line and defensive front seven since the start of the season, but I just can’t imagine that the Pats would lose three in a row and imperil their division lead. Then again, I wrote just a week ago that Bill Belichick has lost his mind.
Pick: New England

Oakland at Kansas City
Oakland has a legendarily bad offense, no matter who is at QB. Kansas City is only gonna need about 7 points here, and I figure Larry Johnson’s good for that, even with Tony Gonzalez out. Welcome back, Trent Green.
Pick: Kansas City

Pittsburgh at Cleveland
I’m really feeling an upset here. Pittsburgh was a Saints fumble away from overtime last week, Polamalu is out and the rest of their secondary has been weak this year, they’re not getting anywhere near the pass rush they were getting last year, and their offensive line is looking old all of a sudden. However, Charlie Frye still stinks, Cleveland’s top umpteen cornerbacks are all injured, and Pittsburgh is playing with a general intensity level that would suggest they still have a chance to make the playoffs.
Pick: Pittsburgh

St Louis at Carolina
Rams go boom. Good luck carried them for the first few weeks, but now it’s obvious they have no defense whatsoever, and it’s tough to roll with the Rams on the road, even though they’re not the same stereotypical “dome team” they used to be.
Pick: Carolina

Tennessee at Philadelphia
Check the NFL statistical rankings: Philadelphia, first in everything; Tennessee, last in everything. (Note: I’m oversimplifying things a little.)
Pick: Philadelphia

Washington at Tampa Bay
Welcome to the NFL, Jason Campbell. Have fun without Clinton Portis and Santana Moss. Still, this is yet another “inadvertent rebuilding year” for the Bucs, and they’re just totally wretched. Gradkowski has been horrible the past couple of games. I’m thinking the Skins empty the chamber to get a win in Campbell’s first start. They can still pound the ball with Betts and Duckett.
Pick: Washington

Detroit at Arizona
If not for some defensive injuries, the Lions would be looking like a pretty decent team right now. Jon Kitna has a somewhat reasonable chance to throw for 4,000 yards this season. Arizona just has absolutely nothing going for it right now.
Pick: Detroit

Seattle at San Francisco
San Francisco is making some strides on defense now, but Seattle is just a much better team. It doesn’t even matter how healthy Shaun Alexander is. Maurice Morris has turned out to be OK.
Pick: Seattle

San Diego at Denver
San Diego -- and specifically LaDainian Tomlinson -- has always had a huge amount of difficulty playing in Denver. And they’ve gotta be spent after last week’s frantic comeback. I’m not liking Denver’s running game right now with Tatum Bell banged up, but Merriman and Castillo are still out for San Diego, and it’s usually a good idea to go with Denver at home.
Pick: Denver

New York Turds Double Turds Double Farts Giants at Jacksonville (plus total points)
For some reason, coach/simpleton Jack Del Rio always has his team playing at a high level in national TV games, which is pretty much the opposite of the Giants (see last week’s El Foldo against the Bears). Despite a ton of injuries, the Jax defense has been playing well, and they’ve gotta be sore after getting beaten by Houston. (Remember, the last time they were coming off a Houston loss, their defense totally neutered the Eagles.)
Pick: Jacksonville, 17-11 or thereabouts

Tuesday, November 14, 2006


Wrong Jason Campbell

Week 11 a-looks a-like a-this:
Atlanta at Baltimore
Buffalo at Houston
Chicago at NY Jets
Cincinnati at New Orleans
Indianapolis at Dallas
Minnesota at Miami
New England at Green Bay
Oakland at Kansas City
Pittsburgh at Cleveland
St Louis at Carolina
Tennessee at Philadelphia
Washington at Tampa Bay
Detroit at Arizona
Seattle at San Francisco
San Diego at Denver
NY Paternity Suit Giants at Jacksonville (plus total points)
As always, send your picks by gametime Sunday 1pm EST to Goooooood luck!

Monday, November 13, 2006


Looks like hockey season again in DC

Well, Week 10 has come to a close. We're moving down the homestretch people. Week 10 was particularly exciting, as it came down to total points. I didn't hang around last night to watch the crapfest, but I hear tell that Carolina defeated Tampa Bay 24-10. If you read the Week 10 Update, that means that...


Congratulations, George! Everyone here at UPenn is proud of you. For besting everyone in the pool in Week 10 you win a Genuine University of Pennsylvania Ben Franklin statue! Just don't leave it lying around on a bench somewhere or someone could steal it (and then give it away in a ridiculous on-line football pool)!

No, unfortunately, you only win the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) of $52, which means that now a full .000000000027% of your tuition is paid off!

The final standings for Week 10 look like this:
10-6 George
10-6 Sandy
10-6 Matthew K
10-6 Jon
9-7 Joshu
9-7 Joey
9-7 Matthew M
9-7 Zack
9-7 Karl
8-8 Scott
8-8 Dave
8-8 Bill
So the cumulative standings look like this:
1. Sandy 91-54
1. Joey 91-54
3. Zack 89-56
4. Matthew K 87-58
4. Matthew M 87-58
6. Jon 86-59
7. George 84-61
7. Karl 84-61
9. Scott 84-61
10. Joshu 83-62
10. Andy 83-62
12. Bill 80-65
13. Dave 79-66
I'll post Week 11 later today or tomorrow. Also, beginning in Week 12 there will be games on Thursday nights, which means I'll need your picks in by then. I'll remind everyone again, of course, so consider this a heads up.

Sunday, November 12, 2006

WEEK 10 UPDATE: Close Is Only in Horseshoes and Hand Grenades


First, apologies for not posting anything hilarious this week. My friend and colleague Bill managed a good effort and all y'all hoes should scroll down and read up.

Second, my Redskins suck. I'm pretty pissed about it, but really, what can you do. Aside from buy a new TV, I mean.

Third, Week 10 is coming down to the wire, and I thought y'all should know about it. Here's whats up:

We've got a four-way tie for first. Everyone picked Carolina to win on Monday night, so it'll come down to total points. Remember, the person who guesses the total points closest to the actual amount without going over wins. If everyone goes over then the person closest gets the dough. Here's the four peeps who stand to earn some dough, their wins on the week, and their predicted Monday Night point total:
George, 9 wins, 31 points
Jon, 9 wins, 30 points
Sandy, 9 wins, 20 points
Me, 9 wins, 17 points
Good luck!

Friday, November 10, 2006

The Sunday Crap-O-Rama: Week 10

Week 10: I’mo Wax Politic

First, let’s get it started with some half-assed punditry, which is brought to you by Nigga Please cereal.

Obviously, the pendulum-shifting of Tuesday’s elections is a great cause for celebration for people who still obstinately cling to the notion of Democracy in this country, but let’s not believe the Democrats will somehow cure all society’s newfound ills.

(That’s what the terrorists want you to do! Oh, wait… I guess those jokes aren’t any good anymore.)

Not only has this election given rise to a great deal of social conservatives, who’d likely have run as Republicans before 1994, the Democrats, at base, are a disorganized, ragtag group of opportunists like they have always been. Furthermore, still, to borrow a phrase from the immortal Bill Hicks, “the same guy is holding both puppets.”

However, while it would be a stretch to paint this election as a widespread repudiation of Conservative principles – as there is little Conservative about an administration as fiscally irresponsible and politically radical as this one – it is certainly a repudiation of the means used to achieve the administration’s ends, whatever they may have been.

For a liberal in Texas, after four years of things appearing to be bad and turning out to be even worse, there is finally some degree of hope that not all Americans are turning out to the polls to champion the virtues of a cynical government whose justification for every stratagem is simply that no one can prevent them from doing it. Regardless of whether the well-being of the average American improves in the next few years, at least there’s now some tangible evidence that the populace is not asleep at the switch, and that most people do in fact reject a government that rules in bad faith.

Even here in Texas, which is to Democracy what Willie Mays’ glove was to fly balls, there’s an unmistakable message to be gleaned from the election results. Republicans have been so firmly entrenched here for such a long duration of time that the Democrats didn’t even bother to put together a reasonable campaign for Chris Bell for governor, such that most Texans wouldn’t have been able to differentiate Bell from an armoire until about two weeks before the election. However, Bell finished a mere nine percentage points behind Bush Dynasty Protégé Rick Perry, a/k/a “Governor Goodhair” – with 30% of the vote – with two independent candidates carrying a further 29%. Any effort whatsoever on behalf of the dispirited Texas Democrats, and Perry would be bouncing on his keister right down the steps of the Governor’s Mansion. Once in a blue moon – the same frequency at which Randy Moss reportedly indulges in marijuana – the situation is actually better than you’d expected it to be. Sometimes it’s so much better that you aren’t even prepared for it, as was the case for the Texas Democrats.

Alright, enough of that. Let’s talk ball, you dirty whores!

News bulletin: Bill Belichick has lost his mind. It’s still retrievable, but it’s slipping away.

All last week here at Crap-O-Rama Central HQ, we were predicting that not only would New England throttle the Colts last Sunday, but they’d do it while ignoring the path of least resistance – running the ball – and rather try to show up Peyton Manning and Tony Dungy by beating them with their passing game. As it turned out – and this is a rarity with the simultaneously half-baked and overdone theories trumpeted from these quarters – we had Belichick pegged perfectly. His team set out to embarrass the Colts, not simply beat them.

And it backfired. It backfired like that time I got back to my pew after communion and lit up a Cohiba with the missal.

Hoo fuckin’ boy, did it ever backfire. And it reminded me of the coach at whose eternal detriment Belichick staked his reputation by defeating him in Super Bowl XXXVI: Mike Martz. At a certain point, Martz apparently forsook the goal of his team beating its opponent in favor of proving that he was a superior coach to the other team’s coach, ie, instead of to win, the goal was to win My Way.

And it didn’t take long for the yawning jaws of madness to swallow Martz right up and his team to descend into the ranks of the mediocre. The beast is getting hungry again, and it’s worth watching whether Belichick decides to stuff a sprig of parsley in his pocket and wait to be sucked up like an oyster on the halfshell.

Unlike Martz, there’s nothing left for Belichick to prove as a coach. However, if his apparent disdain for the Colts continues to influence his coaching decisions, his future doesn’t appear half as bright as that garish hoodie he was sporting on the sidelines. As Rodney Harrison continues to bleat that no one respects the Patriots, his own coach showed a tangible lack of respect for the Colts and got his ass handed to him for it. How about that, eh?

(Of course, Andy Reid is much closer than Belichick to falling over the cliff Martz went over, and pending this week’s results, the beast’s hunger may be satiated for quite a while after it devours his enormous cheeseburger-sodden ass.)

Now, let’s get to the picks. But first, a reminder: “Shut your hole before I kick your balls out your ass!”

As always, a gentle prod that these picks should not be used as the basis to foster an addiction to losing all your money gambling on NFL games and ending up lurking in the bushes behind your local Catholic church hoping to snare $20 from a priest in exchange for a blumpkin in the rectory washroom.

Buffalo at Indianapolis
-An emergency forced me to start J.P. Losman at quarterback for my fantasy team last week. The result? Check the Bills’ record.
Pick: Indianapolis

NY Jets at New England
-Why did Belichick break out the new bright-red hoodie for last Sunday’s game? Eric Mangini ate the old one.
-Mangini’s ill-conceived use of 3-4 defensive alignment shows he absorbed his mentor’s insanity rather than his brilliance.
Pick: New England

Baltimore at Tennessee
-Cowboys fans often pine for the days before the salary cap when a team could build a dynasty, and I usually vehemently disagree, but I do miss those days for this reason: when a team is in serious need of a severe beatdown, there’s almost no one left who can give it to them. The Ravens are begging the Football Gods to be smoten, with Brian Billick’s self-congratulation and Ray Lewis’ condemnation of the Titans’ “racism” in jettisoning Steve McNair in favor of… um… another black quarterback. But when will they get their comeuppance – in the goddamn Super Bowl?
Pick: Another week of insufferable antics from the Ravens

Cleveland at Atlanta
-Addition by subtraction: Browns still a horrible football team, but only need to see Antonio Bryant’s ass anymore when playing the 49ers.

Pick: Atlanta

Houston at Jacksonville
-Here’s the other team that, like Baltimore, needs a severe ass-kicking and sure as hell won’t get it this week.
-Jack del Rio is so noncommunicative with his players, Byron Leftwich found out he’d been benched when he was told by Bill Belichick.
Pick: Jacksonville – Keep choppin’ wood!

Kansas City at Miami
-If you could combine the second halves of Nick Saban’s Dolphins seasons with the first half of Jimmy Johnson’s, you’d have yourself a Super Bowl contender.
Pick: Kansas City

New Orleans at Pittsburgh
-Bill Cowher named Man Of The Year by Empty Threat magazine.
-Two standout offensive rookies will be on display in this game: the Saints’ Marques Colston leads all rookies in catches, yards, and touchdowns, but he trails the Steelers’ Santonio Holmes in muffed punts and fumbles.
Pick: New Orleans

San Francisco at Detroit
Antonio Bryant versus Lions Offensive Line Coach Joe Cullen: It’s the Nude Ass Bowl!

Pick: Detroit

Washington at Philadelphia
-In week 3, I failed to consider that the Eagles almost always lose after beating the Cowboys. I will not fail to consider that they are 7-0 coming out of their bye week in the past 7 years.
-If this pick is wrong, you might want to skip next week’s Sunday Crap-O-Rama.
Pick: Philadelphia

Dallas at Arizona
-Larry Fitzgerald is scheduled to make his return for the Cardinals this week; while we don’t know how effective he’ll be with a mangled hamstring, we do know that Roy Williams can’t cover him.
Pick: Dallas

St Louis at Seattle
-This game is the equivalent of a Republican primary in Ted Kennedy’s Senatorial district.
Pick: St. Louis

Denver at Oakland
-This game is the equivalent of the actual election.
Pick: Denver

San Diego at Cincinnati
-This game is the equivalent of the party that night at Kennedy HQ.
Pick: San Diego

Green Bay at Minnesota
-This game is the equivalent of the subsequent morning.
Pick: Green Bay

Chicago at New York Shit On A Shingle Giants
-Thankfully Plaxico Burress missed only one game; Eli Manning will no longer be throwing passes three feet over other receivers’ heads, expecting the upper 30% of Burress’ body to be there.
Pick: New York You Must Be Hung Like A Field Mouse Giants

Crap-O-Rama News Break: A recent study indicates that nearly 80% of Americans have experienced déjà vu at some time in their lives. In a related story, nearly 80% of Americans perform the self-same sequence of tasks every single day of their lives.


Tampa Bay at Carolina
-Tony Kornheiser says: Keyshawn is on my fantasy team!
-Chief Wahoo Says: Me takem dump on TV set!
Pick: Carolina 21-14

Tune in next week, when we get beaten up by Matthew Barnaby!

Until then… AMF!

Monday, November 06, 2006


As always please send your picks to by gametime, which is 1pm EST on Sunday the 12th. Here are the games for Week 10:
Baltimore at Tennessee
Buffalo at Indianapolis
Chicago at NY Giants
Cleveland at Atlanta
Green Bay at Minnesota
Houston at Jacksonville
Kansas City at Miami
New Orleans at Pittsburgh
NY Jets at New England
San Diego at Cincinnati
San Francisco at Detroit
Washington at Philadelphia
Denver at Oakland
Dallas at Arizona
St Louis at Seattle
Tampa Bay at Carolina (plus total points)

This just gets funnier and funnier...

Reporter: Coach, uh, four picks against Grossman and two fumbles, what did you see about the Bears to shut 'em down that way?

Dennis Green [standing at the podium looking dazed]: Nah, ya, we, we, ya know, we we we just, well thats about, the bears are what we thought they were. [pause] Wa-they're what we thought they were. We played them in preseason who the hell takes the third game of the preseason like its bullshit BULLSHIT. We played them in the third game everybody played three quarters THE BEARS are who we thought they were! [looks around dramatically] Thats why we took the damn field! Now [slams mic] if you wanna crown em then crown their ass! But they are who we thought they were. And we let 'em off the hook. [pause...stomps out]


Apropos of nothing

Week 9 is officially in the books, gentlemen, and we've got a little race on our hands. But first, here are the final standings for Week 9:
9-5, Joey "Not again" Bansen
8-6, Matthew "Never again" Kory
8-6, Zack "Don't call me Calvin" Klein
8-6, Scott "Wrong on Iraq, wrong for the pool" Rozsa
7-7, Matthew "Not in Iraq (anymore)" Mariam
7-7, Sandy "Front runner" Kory
7-7, Bill "Not running" Denton
7-7, George "Climbing the ladder" Smith
6-8, Joshu "Falling down the same ladder" Shih
6-8, Dave "Waiting at the bottom" Labowitz
6-8, Andy "Should've flipped a coin" Harris
5-9, Karl "Should flip a couch" Vaillancourt
4-10, Jon "Should flip off" Stover

This brings us to the yearly standings. I might remind you all that, even if you seem hopelessly out of it, we're only half way through the NFL season. All is not lost. Except for Bill Denton. He's done. You can stick a fork in 'im.

In all their glory:
1. Joey Bansen, 82-46
2. Sandy Kory, 81-47
3. Zack Klein, 80-48
4. Matthew Mariam, 78-50
5. Matthew Kory, 77-51
6. Andy Harris, 76-52
Scott Rozsa, 76-52
Jon Stover, 76-52
9. Karl Vaillancourt, 75-53
10. George Smith, 74-54
Joshu Shih, 74-54
12. Bill Denton, 72-56
13. Dave Labowitz, 71-57
I'll post the schedule for Week 10 later today or tomorrow. Have a good week, everyone.

Sunday, November 05, 2006


"Say 'Die you capitalist swine!'"

On the face of it, this may seem like any other Halloween party. A woman dressed as a fairy stands for a picture with a man dressed like a soldier. But let me provide some context here. The man on the left is not a soldier, he is a suicide bomber. You can tell because he has fake yet realistic looking dynamite attached to his mid-section which could, you know, falsely blow up. And lest you think this is just some dolt with little sense of humor and even less common sense, you should know that this picture was taken at the house of the new President of the University of Pennsylvania, the very institution that is using my borrowed hundred dollar bills to wipe its collective ass, and the fairy standing next to said dolt is the President of that institution. This is what we in the industry call "a mistake."

Everyone now: DOH!

Anyway, back to MFSAFP(p!)! Week 9 isn't over yet, but the results are in, mainly because nobody in their right mind (and nobody in the pool) would put money on the Raiders on Monday Night. I'll post the weekly standings and the updated yearly standings as well on Tuesday after the Monday Night game is complete, but right now I can announce the winner of the pool came down to two people, both with seven wins going into the Sunday night game. One chose New England (uh, that would be me) and the other chose Indianapolis. Despite turning the ball over whenever they had a chance to, the Patriots almost pulled it out at the end, but unfortunately for me they didn't. This was fortunate for...

Joey Bansen! Congratulations (again) Joey! You're the big wiener for Week 9. You win a pint of Official Bill Parcells Man Milk, squoze from the nipples of the man himself. No, actually you win the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) of $52. I recommend you spend it on ads attacking Scott Rozsa, such as this one:

[cue menacing music]
Are you still unsure about Scott Rozsa? You should know that Scott Rozsa has voted with the Washington Redskins 80% of the time.* And each time Scott Rosza has won the football pool, he's spent his winnings on crack and hookers.** Is that how you want your money to be spent?

Scott Rosza: Wrong on hookers, wrong on the Redskins, wrong for the pool. I'm Joey Bansen, and I approved this message.
*may not actually be true
**absolutely true, unless it isn't

Saturday, November 04, 2006

The Sunday Crap-O-Rama: Week 9

Week 9: Mookeystinks, Kyle!

Turn me loose, let me go, I’m Dr. Feelgood!

Fresh off the bye (OK, I was too drunk to type by 6 PM last Friday), we’re debuting a new feature on this week’s Crap-O-Rama: “It’s All The Cowboys’ Fault!”

Buttressed by my countless explanations to the breathless Texan hordes that Buddy Ryan’s classless antics (ie, The 1987 “Kneel-Down Game” and the following season’s “Bounty Bowl” and “Bounty Bowl II”, all three of which the Eagles won, by the way) were in fact prompted by St. Tom Landry running up the score with his union-bustin’ All-Pros against the Eagles’ replacement players during the NFL players’ strike – continually passing the ball in the second half of an eventual 41-22 win that wasn’t half as close as the score would indicate – I will now move on to document another case of overwhelmingly jerky Cowboys behavior.

In the late 1950s, after the city of Dallas had already lost two franchises – the two incarnations of the Dallas Texans would become the Baltimore Colts and Kansas City Chiefs – the NFL again tried to expand into Dallas, as the region had suddenly become habitable to humankind after the proliferation of air conditioning. The most powerful and vocal opponent of this expansion was Redskins owner and decorated racist George Preston Marshall, whose still-segregated team enjoyed a monopoly of fandom among football followers below the Mason-Dixon line.

The robber-barons who would own this new franchise in Dallas, Clint Murchison Jr. and Bedford Wynne, were expecting Marshall’s opposition, so to ensure the birth of their expansion team, they hatched a plan that would foreshadow the corporate gangbang the NFL would become decades later. Knowing that everything under the sun is ultimately for sale in Texas – and that, unlike civil unions, laws in Texas somehow apply to every square inch of this fading republic – they bought the rights to the song "Hail to the Redskins" and threatened to refuse to allow Marshall to play the song at games.

Over a barrel, Marshall relented, and, in an orgiastic celebration of extortion, the Dallas Motherfucking Cowboys were born on January 28, 1960.

(Note: CEO and frequent “Dr. Phil Show” celebrity guest Jim Safka just walked by my desk as I was compiling this worthless, expletive-laden invective; just to the left of my keyboard is a plate of tortilla chips and a bottle of Shiner Bock. Maybe I should quit bellyaching about Dallas, huh?)


Anyway, fast forward to November 10, 1962. At the time, the Redskins football team is still a year away from integrating, but the entire city of Dallas had been legally desegregated only about a year earlier and the mayor is a member of the Ku Klux Klan. Nonetheless, the Cowboys – at least in their view – have purchased the rights to the Moral High Ground.

(Note: The greatest line in sportswriting history – edging out the Los Angeles Times’ Jim Murray’s “Gentlemen, start your coffins” – was written by Shirley Povich of the Washington Post at about this time: “Cleveland runner Jim Brown integrated the Redskins’ end zone.”)

At any rate (what about four and a half times a football season you use this beat-ass line, you retarded hack), this was the date of the “Cowboy Chicken Club Game,” as Dallas partisans somehow invaded D.C. Stadium and unveiled four banners reading "CHICKENS" over the 50-yard line and end zone facades during "Hail To The Redskins." Two acrobats then ran onto the field and released a black chicken and threw colored eggs into the crowd during the National Anthem, apparently to symbolize Marshall's stance against signing African-American players to play for the Redskins.

(Meanwhile, at this juncture of history, I remind you, if a black man is found north of downtown in Dallas, he is burned to death with limited legal recompense, and students are in the midst of their first year of integrated classrooms. Back to your normally scheduled hypocrisy.)

(Egging the crowd during the National Anthem??!? Enemies. Of. Freedom.)

Anyway, there’s reason number 7,128 to hate the Cowboys.

So, after your team loses most ignominiously this week and you drown your sorrows in your inebriant of choice, find the nearest Cowboys fan, ask him why he’s a Cowboys fan, and when he mentions God in the first sentence of his reply, punch him in the fucking mouth.

Now let’s get to it.

As always, in deference to The Man, all picks were verified by a Magic Eight-Ball, a bag of chicken bones, and Dave Labowitz, the only person on Earth who is almost as bad as I am at predicting the outcomes of NFL games.

Atlanta at Detroit
-We’ve secretly replaced Michael Vick with an actual NFL-caliber quarterback. Let’s see if anyone notices.
-We’ve secretly replaced Bill’s lousy jokes with Matt’s lousy jokes. Let’s see if anyone notices…
Pick: Atlanta

Dallas at Washington
-The only way the Cowboys could blow this game is if they forget to wake T.O. up before kickoff.
-Bad news for Terence Newman this week: No superstar opposing wide receiver to completely neutralize.
Pick: Dallas

Green Bay at Buffalo
-J.P. Losman’s mechanics still wretched; claims “chicks dig QBs who throw off their back foot.”
-Packers still yet to play against an actual NFL team since week 1 throttling versus Bears.
Pick: Green Bay

Houston at New York Harsh-Ass Resin Hits Giants
-I finally figured out what the Giants defensive players are doing with those pantomime jump shots after making a play: Trying to get a tryout with the Knicks.
-Houston Coach Gary Kubiak handed David Carr his unconditional release papers on Tuesday, but Carr bumped into the overhead projector on the way out of the film room and fumbled them; he’ll start this week.
Pick: New York Weird Al Yankovic Got Madd Flow Giants

Kansas City at St Louis
-Rams defense: Will tackle for food.
-If the Chiefs win this game, wins against Miami and Oakland in the next two weeks would put them at 7-3. (Really, this is funnier than anything I could come up with.)
Pick: Kansas City

Cincinnati at Baltimore
-Bengals defense: Will tackle for the mercy of the court.
-Still at least one more week of Brian Billick grandstanding and smirking as his defense carries him to an ill-gotten victory.
-Note to Chad Johnson: You’re more aerodynamic when your mouth is closed.
Pick: Baltimore.

Miami at Chicago
-Dolphins defense: Will not tackle. Period.
-One more listless performance from his team and Nick Saban will have to resort to a little-used tactic pioneered by his mentor Bill Belichick: lock himself in his office and not speak to his own players or coaches all week.
Pick: Chicago

Tennessee at Jacksonville
-Not sure if this to David Garrard’s credit, but he is clearly better than Byron Leftwich at running Jack Del Rio’s retarded, horseshit offensive scheme.
-Pacman Jones’ excuse that he allegedly spit in the face of a female student at a party: He was just doing his Bluto Blutarsky “I’m a zit” routine.
-It’s amazing that Jack Del Rio, miscreant that he is, manages to do a four-hour radio show every morning in Washington while still coaching the Jaguars.

Pick: Jacksonville

That Jack Del Rio PhotoShop hack job reminded me of something:

Minnesota at San Francisco
-Mea culpa, Brad Childress: At this point I would be willing to trade Daunte Culpepper for a dozen honey-dip Timbits, but you’re gonna get about the 35th pick in next year’s draft for him.
-In the absence of new stadium funding, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom to unveil Monster Park renovation plan: Bulldoze it right into the Bay.
Pick: Minnesota

New Orleans at Tampa Bay
-About the only thing Reggie Bush didn’t screw up last week was that he didn’t have a punt blocked.
-Maine WR Kevin McMahan was “Mr. Irrelevant”—the last pick overall—in the 2006 NFL draft. Marques Colston was taken three picks ahead of him. So he's not even irrelevant enough to have a nickname? (Next guess: he's Randy Moss.)
Pick: New Orleans

Cleveland at San Diego
-Sunday Crap-O-Rama Worldwide News Services has discovered that, for potential marketing and product endorsement reasons, Shawne Merriman changed his story regarding the reason for his failed steroids test. His original excuse: he was anally violated by Guillermo Mota.
Pick: San Diego

Non-Sequitosity, Installment II: Check out the latest in vehicular fashion:

Denver at Pittsburgh
-The key to Willie Parker’s success: he’s not particularly big, he’s not particularly fast, but he’s awfully Ecksteiny.
-The key to Jake Plummer’s success: Lost down storm drain last December.
Pick: Pittsburgh

Indianapolis at New England
-Peyton Manning’s last-ditch effort to vanquish Tom Brady: Beat him over the head with the enormous playbook he’s memorized backward and forward.
Pick: New England, and lay the points.

Oakland at Seattle (plus total points)
-Now that Randy Moss is through with his inexorable laps around the drain of irrelevance, he can move on to his second career as a Diana Ross impersonator.
-Art Shell’s Halloween costume: Escaped mental patient.
-My Halloween costume: This.

Pick: Seattle 23-13

Wednesday, November 01, 2006


Umm... Dude...?

Welcome to Week 9 of ATNFLWM!! This is the traditional end of the line for some pretenders, like Washington. And Dave Labowitz.

On today's program we're going to go straight to the picks, primarily because we don't feel like making up a bunch of dumb crap. Sure, we'll still make up some dumb crap, just not as much as usual. This week, ATNFLWM will spare you. Somewhat.

But as always, we gotta pay the bills here at ATNFLWM, so we ask you to close your eyes and repeat silently to yourselves "theres no place like home, theres no place like home" until we finish the following. ATNFLWM is sponsored by:

Bill Denton's picks! All of them 100% gauranteed to be correct!*
*gaurantee only applicable while standing upside down, drinking coors light through your nose in states ending in "-butt"

And by:

Real Estate! Always a good deal. Always! ALWAYS, DAMMIT!

And by:

The Matt Kory School of Humor: Just take one person's name and put it into an offensive sounding title! Its so easy! You don't even need a personality! For example:

The Matt Kory Puppy Eating Society! Yay! Support us today!

And now in deference to the Man, these picks have been sanitized for your protection, but kids, don't forget to wear a condom while reading, just in case.

Atlanta at Detroit
-an ATNFLWM haiku:

Mike Vick throws a pass
long and beautiful, does not
matter, No playoffs!

Pick: Atlanta

Cincinnati at Baltimore
-ATNFLWM has obtained an exclusive photograph of Chad Johnson's latest touchdown attire:

Pick: Baltimore

Dallas at Washington
-Redskins to try new defensive strategy: Start the Llama

-As far as I'm concerned, this is the Redskins Superbowl. There will be no playoffs, and after last year's finish (winning a playoff game and performing admirably in Seattle) this season is already a huge disappointment. The only thing that can salvage this season, a little bit at least, is beating the pants off the Cowboys. But I'll settle for just beating them. However, even in the event of that unlikely occurance, the Redskins have made their death bed and now they must lie in it. And so, unfortunately, must I. And, dammit, this bed stinks. I think theres lice in it too...
-When you go to Google images and type in "bad throw football" I swear this is the image that comes up:

Pick: Washington

Green Bay at Buffalo
-Neil Patrick Harris is gay? Holy Crap!
Pick: Green Bay

Houston at NY Onion Breath Giants
-Eli Manning has all the charm and charisma of my mother's dog rolling around in its own feces. Eli throws a better pass though, but if yr putting money on the stinkiest turd, mines on the dog.
Pick: NY "No, you have to change in Atlanta" Giants

Kansas City at St Louis
-Where are Dick Vermeil's tear ducts when you need them?
-Rams Year 2000 Contract with Lucifer, recently uncovered by an ATNFLWM investigation, states that a giant itchy rash will cover the team's collective naughty bits.
Pick: Kansas City

Miami at Chicago
-Nick Saban: the NFL's version of Waterworld
Pick: Chicago

New Orleans at Tampa Bay
-If there is one player in the league that I can pick to start up a new team, its has to be Bruce Gradkowski. And you don't even know who that is, do you? Well, neither do I.
Pick: Tampa Bay (I have no idea why I'm doing this; I must have mistyped)

Tennessee at Jacksonville
-Jack Del Rio recently presented with Meathead Coach award at the Buddy Ryan Coaches club, which is located, somewhat fittingly, by the restroom of the Burger King on Rt. 3 in Lindenwold, NJ.
Pick: Jacksonville

Minnesota at San Francisco
-NFL has commissioned hubbel-esque telescope to discern if the 49ers are indeed improving
-Brad Childress has said that if Brad Johnson does not get off to a good start this week against San Francisco, he's going to put in the third stringer. Who's the Vikings third string QB? This guy:

Pick: Minnesota

Cleveland at San Diego
-About five years ago, returning from some trip or another by car, Bill and I picked up a radio station out of Cleveland, OH where the two talk radio hosts were dumbfoundedly wondering how the NFL was able to exist without the great city of Cleveland filling its coffers with polluted water, or whatever, for upwards of five years. They were seriously amazed and relieved that football had come back to Cleveland, not because Cleveland needed the NFL but because the NFL needed Cleveland. Well, the NFL better get Cleveland another team soon, because this one is clearly broken.
Pick: San Diego

Denver at Pittsburgh
-As long as Jake Plummer remains Jake Plummer the Broncos ain't going nowhere. And yes, I purposely put in that double negative.
Pick: Denver

Indianapolis at New England
-Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady?

Pick: New England

Oakland at Seattle
-With Raiders recent victory over Pittsburgh, Al Davis realized that the teams chances of winning the first pick in the draft are likely shot to hell. Even when the Raiders try to be good, they fuck it up.
Pick: Seattle (13)

Next Week: I make Christmas ornaments out of old clothing I steal from homeless people! Stay tuned!