Saturday, November 18, 2006



Welcome to Week 11 on Around The NFL With Matty (ATNFLWM). There will be little actual football content today, because "Matty" is in a great amount of pain after playing football a little too seriously with some people who are much younger and in much better shape than he is. Uh, ow? "Matty" should probably know better, but sadly, he does not. In fact, he does not to such an extent, that this is the third week in a row he's made the same mistake. This is akin to drinking bleach, throwing up, drinking bleach, throwing up, and then thinking, "hmm... ya know what I'd like to do? Drink some bleach! That stuffs yummy!"

As a result, this ridiculous screed, as my counterpart Billie MF'n Smalls likes to call it, is written in a prone position on a couch covered by cat poop. The first part I've covered above. These second is because "Matty" decided that before he goes out and gets his ass kicked by younger athletic-looking people, he should make sure that when he comes home he'll be able to obtain comfort by interjecting himself into the middle of a good old fashioned cat fight. Nothing makes one feel more at home, comforted, and safe than two cats attempting to claw the crap out of each other.

So, not only has "Matty" essentially rendered himself immobile thanks to what the young people call "running" but he gets to further his injuries by playing cat goalie when he comes home. Cat goalie, for those of you who's lives have not been touched by the animals, is when a cat wants to go into a room and you, for some reason, do not want the cat to do so. There are many reasons one must play cat goalie. For instance, there could be a birthday cake in the other room that the cat wants to eat the icing off of it. (Note: this actually happened to me when I was ten.) There could be an open toilet filled with fecal matter that the cat wants to jump into (this, also, has actually happened). Or, such as in this case, there could be another cat in the other room, who is deserving of having its innards ripped out.

In any case, you must position yourself in the doorway and crouch down with your arms out awaiting the cat, much like a hockey goalie would await a puck. This is how Cat Goalie got its name. Your job as Cat Goalie, and the point of the game, is to protect the goal or "doorway" from being entered by the puck, or "cat". This is very difficult. Possibly more so than playing actual hockey. Because, while hockey pucks can reach high rates of speed, they don't have claws. Or teeth. Also, they don't, when landing on your face, propel themselves off of you by gripping your eyes with their claws and then launching themselves through the goal, or doorway. Another advantage to playing actual goalie, is that it is unlikely that the puck would decide to poop on your couch.

As always, ATNFLWM is sponsored by:

Chevrolet: Building cars sized proportionally to the cost of gas. Chevy says, "Suck it up, bitches!"

and by: Jo Mama!

And now, because I ain't feel'n it:


As always, in deference to The Man, all picks have been sterilized for your protection. Should the seal be broken, please mail the pick, the receipt for said pick, the seal, a picture of a southern blue-nosed seal, an actual southern blue-nosed seal, a goat, your neighbor's '98 VW Beetle, and another goat, to the address provided.

Atlanta @ Baltimore
-Anyone have any idea if Michael Vick is going to bother to try this week? The man breaks down with the frequency of my neighbor's '84 Saab, a car my fiance has affectionately nicknamed "the shitbox."
Pick: Baltimore

Buffalo @ Houston
That is all.
Pick: Buffalo

-The only thing that can stop the Bears this year is themselves... well, that and a tanker truck driven by George Allen's political career.
Pick: Chicago

Cincinnati @ New Orleans
-A lack of hotel rooms in New Orleans thanks to Hurricane Katrina has caused a change in schedule. The Bengals will now play the Houston Texans instead.
Pick: New Orleans

Indianapolis @ Dallas
-Lots of people jumping on the Dallas bandwagon here. Well, we here at ATNFLWM would like to remind you folks who yr putting yr money on. The Dallas Cowboys:
  1. ...are coached by a man with bigger breasts than anyone I've ever dated.
  2. ...have a star receiver who's idea of working out involves fatigues, a driveway, and about 100 members of the fourth estate.
  3. ...have a quarterback named Tony Homo. Apparently.
  4. players have collectively done enough cocaine to destroy an entire herd of livestock.
  5. ...have an owner who's face, thanks to the wonder of plastic surgery, is completely unable to express emotion.
Pick: Indianapolis

Minnesota @ Miami
-You know how old Brad Johnson is? His face is on the money he gets paid with.
Pick: Miami

New England @ Green Bay
-Can the Patriots lose three in a row? Well, let me answer that question with another question. Can my new cat crap on my couch?
Pick: New England

Oakland @ Kansas City
-The only way to make the Raiders worse is for Al Davis to marry Dan Snyder.
Pick: Kansas City

Pittsburgh at Cleveland
-What are the chances that Bill Cowher ends up coaching the Cleveland Browns next season? Eh?!? EH HEH!? EHHHH!?!?!?.... uh... mm... nevermind.
Pick: Pittsburgh

St Louis at Carolina
-The Rams just aren't fun anymore now that Mike Martz is gone. Which brings me to the Around The NFL With Matty Mike Martz Is Crazy Joke Of The Day (Sponsored by Quiznos)! (ATNFLWMMMICJOTD(SBQ)!)
Q: Whats red and white and yellow all over?
A: Mike Martz after breaking into a pet store (that was open anyway) and eating a parakeet.
Pick: Carolina

Tennessee at Philadelphia
-Andy Reid got his own TV show here in Philly. Its called, "Eating with Andy Reid." Theres no dialog, just chewing. Also, there was a guest host, but Andy ate him.
Pick: Philadelphia

Washington at Tampa Bay
-The Redskins best chance to win this game: Let the Bucs score and then hope that the ensuing cannon shot takes out their defense.
Pick: Washington

Detroit at Arizona
-The Arizona Cardinals: The Sucking Chest Wound Of Sports
Pick: Detroit

Seattle at San Francisco
-If the 49ers disbanded tomorrow, would any other team sign any of their players? OK, OK, besides the Redskins, I mean.
Pick: Seattle

San Diego at Denver
-Theres nothing funny about this game. Move on, people.
Pick: San Diego

NY Paternity Suit Giants at Jacksonville
-Tom Coughlin employs a group of midgets full-time to race small cars on a small track in the basement of his home for his own amusement. Discuss.
Pick: NY "He had come a long way to this blue lawn, and his dream must have seemed so close that he could hardly fail to grasp it." Giants (33)

Next Week: I practice the ancient art of turd launching. Stay tuned!

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