Week 10: I’mo Wax Politic
First, let’s get it started with some half-assed punditry, which is brought to you by Nigga Please cereal.
Obviously, the pendulum-shifting of Tuesday’s elections is a great cause for celebration for people who still obstinately cling to the notion of Democracy in this country, but let’s not believe the Democrats will somehow cure all society’s newfound ills.
(That’s what the terrorists want you to do! Oh, wait… I guess those jokes aren’t any good anymore.)
Not only has this election given rise to a great deal of social conservatives, who’d likely have run as Republicans before 1994, the Democrats, at base, are a disorganized, ragtag group of opportunists like they have always been. Furthermore, still, to borrow a phrase from the immortal Bill Hicks, “the same guy is holding both puppets.”
However, while it would be a stretch to paint this election as a widespread repudiation of Conservative principles – as there is little Conservative about an administration as fiscally irresponsible and politically radical as this one – it is certainly a repudiation of the means used to achieve the administration’s ends, whatever they may have been.
For a liberal in Texas, after four years of things appearing to be bad and turning out to be even worse, there is finally some degree of hope that not all Americans are turning out to the polls to champion the virtues of a cynical government whose justification for every stratagem is simply that no one can prevent them from doing it. Regardless of whether the well-being of the average American improves in the next few years, at least there’s now some tangible evidence that the populace is not asleep at the switch, and that most people do in fact reject a government that rules in bad faith.
Even here in Texas, which is to Democracy what Willie Mays’ glove was to fly balls, there’s an unmistakable message to be gleaned from the election results. Republicans have been so firmly entrenched here for such a long duration of time that the Democrats didn’t even bother to put together a reasonable campaign for Chris Bell for governor, such that most Texans wouldn’t have been able to differentiate Bell from an armoire until about two weeks before the election. However, Bell finished a mere nine percentage points behind Bush Dynasty Protégé Rick Perry, a/k/a “Governor Goodhair” – with 30% of the vote – with two independent candidates carrying a further 29%. Any effort whatsoever on behalf of the dispirited Texas Democrats, and Perry would be bouncing on his keister right down the steps of the Governor’s Mansion. Once in a blue moon – the same frequency at which Randy Moss reportedly indulges in marijuana – the situation is actually better than you’d expected it to be. Sometimes it’s so much better that you aren’t even prepared for it, as was the case for the Texas Democrats.
Alright, enough of that. Let’s talk ball, you dirty whores!
News bulletin: Bill Belichick has lost his mind. It’s still retrievable, but it’s slipping away.
All last week here at Crap-O-Rama Central HQ, we were predicting that not only would New England throttle the Colts last Sunday, but they’d do it while ignoring the path of least resistance – running the ball – and rather try to show up Peyton Manning and Tony Dungy by beating them with their passing game. As it turned out – and this is a rarity with the simultaneously half-baked and overdone theories trumpeted from these quarters – we had Belichick pegged perfectly. His team set out to embarrass the Colts, not simply beat them.
And it backfired. It backfired like that time I got back to my pew after communion and lit up a Cohiba with the missal.
Hoo fuckin’ boy, did it ever backfire. And it reminded me of the coach at whose eternal detriment Belichick staked his reputation by defeating him in Super Bowl XXXVI: Mike Martz. At a certain point, Martz apparently forsook the goal of his team beating its opponent in favor of proving that he was a superior coach to the other team’s coach, ie, instead of to win, the goal was to win My Way.
And it didn’t take long for the yawning jaws of madness to swallow Martz right up and his team to descend into the ranks of the mediocre. The beast is getting hungry again, and it’s worth watching whether Belichick decides to stuff a sprig of parsley in his pocket and wait to be sucked up like an oyster on the halfshell.
Unlike Martz, there’s nothing left for Belichick to prove as a coach. However, if his apparent disdain for the Colts continues to influence his coaching decisions, his future doesn’t appear half as bright as that garish hoodie he was sporting on the sidelines. As Rodney Harrison continues to bleat that no one respects the Patriots, his own coach showed a tangible lack of respect for the Colts and got his ass handed to him for it. How about that, eh?
(Of course, Andy Reid is much closer than Belichick to falling over the cliff Martz went over, and pending this week’s results, the beast’s hunger may be satiated for quite a while after it devours his enormous cheeseburger-sodden ass.)
Now, let’s get to the picks. But first, a reminder: “Shut your hole before I kick your balls out your ass!”
As always, a gentle prod that these picks should not be used as the basis to foster an addiction to losing all your money gambling on NFL games and ending up lurking in the bushes behind your local Catholic church hoping to snare $20 from a priest in exchange for a blumpkin in the rectory washroom.
Buffalo at Indianapolis
-An emergency forced me to start J.P. Losman at quarterback for my fantasy team last week. The result? Check the Bills’ record.
Pick: Indianapolis
NY Jets at New England
-Why did Belichick break out the new bright-red hoodie for last Sunday’s game? Eric Mangini ate the old one.
-Mangini’s ill-conceived use of 3-4 defensive alignment shows he absorbed his mentor’s insanity rather than his brilliance.
Pick: New England
Baltimore at Tennessee
-Cowboys fans often pine for the days before the salary cap when a team could build a dynasty, and I usually vehemently disagree, but I do miss those days for this reason: when a team is in serious need of a severe beatdown, there’s almost no one left who can give it to them. The Ravens are begging the Football Gods to be smoten, with Brian Billick’s self-congratulation and Ray Lewis’ condemnation of the Titans’ “racism” in jettisoning Steve McNair in favor of… um… another black quarterback. But when will they get their comeuppance – in the goddamn Super Bowl?
Pick: Another week of insufferable antics from the Ravens
Cleveland at Atlanta
-Addition by subtraction: Browns still a horrible football team, but only need to see Antonio Bryant’s ass anymore when playing the 49ers.
Pick: Atlanta
Houston at Jacksonville
-Here’s the other team that, like Baltimore, needs a severe ass-kicking and sure as hell won’t get it this week.
-Jack del Rio is so noncommunicative with his players, Byron Leftwich found out he’d been benched when he was told by Bill Belichick.
Pick: Jacksonville – Keep choppin’ wood!
Kansas City at Miami
-If you could combine the second halves of Nick Saban’s Dolphins seasons with the first half of Jimmy Johnson’s, you’d have yourself a Super Bowl contender.
Pick: Kansas City
New Orleans at Pittsburgh
-Bill Cowher named Man Of The Year by Empty Threat magazine.
-Two standout offensive rookies will be on display in this game: the Saints’ Marques Colston leads all rookies in catches, yards, and touchdowns, but he trails the Steelers’ Santonio Holmes in muffed punts and fumbles.
Pick: New Orleans
San Francisco at Detroit
Antonio Bryant versus Lions Offensive Line Coach Joe Cullen: It’s the Nude Ass Bowl!
Pick: Detroit
Washington at Philadelphia
-In week 3, I failed to consider that the Eagles almost always lose after beating the Cowboys. I will not fail to consider that they are 7-0 coming out of their bye week in the past 7 years.
-If this pick is wrong, you might want to skip next week’s Sunday Crap-O-Rama.
Pick: Philadelphia
Dallas at Arizona
-Larry Fitzgerald is scheduled to make his return for the Cardinals this week; while we don’t know how effective he’ll be with a mangled hamstring, we do know that Roy Williams can’t cover him.
Pick: Dallas
St Louis at Seattle
-This game is the equivalent of a Republican primary in Ted Kennedy’s Senatorial district.
Pick: St. Louis
Denver at Oakland
-This game is the equivalent of the actual election.
Pick: Denver
San Diego at Cincinnati
-This game is the equivalent of the party that night at Kennedy HQ.
Pick: San Diego
Green Bay at Minnesota
-This game is the equivalent of the subsequent morning.
Pick: Green Bay
Chicago at New York Shit On A Shingle Giants
-Thankfully Plaxico Burress missed only one game; Eli Manning will no longer be throwing passes three feet over other receivers’ heads, expecting the upper 30% of Burress’ body to be there.
Pick: New York You Must Be Hung Like A Field Mouse Giants
Crap-O-Rama News Break: A recent study indicates that nearly 80% of Americans have experienced déjà vu at some time in their lives. In a related story, nearly 80% of Americans perform the self-same sequence of tasks every single day of their lives.
AAAAAAAAHHH!!
Tampa Bay at Carolina
-Tony Kornheiser says: Keyshawn is on my fantasy team!
-Chief Wahoo Says: Me takem dump on TV set!
Pick: Carolina 21-14
Tune in next week, when we get beaten up by Matthew Barnaby!
Until then… AMF!
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