Monday, November 30, 2009

Week 12: Actual Update

Good morning to you folks. It's another happy Monday. Yay.

I'm here to tell you that Karl Vaillancourt is ridiculous. More specifically, he's a ridiculous 14-1 right now. That is crazy, and it doesn't leave much room to keep up, but surprisingly two of you managed to anyway. Adam Roy and Josh Money are both 13-2 and only a game back. And (here's the kicker) both of them picked New Orleans tonight, while Karl went with New England. Oooo, intrigue.

Here's the simple scenario: if New England wins, Karl wins. Doesn't matter what the score is. Karl gets the $70 gift certificate to Goat World. But, if New Orleans wins, we've got three people at 14 wins and that means only one thing...


That's Monday Night Points. So, if New Orleans wins, and...

- the total score is between zero and 57, Adam Roy wins
- the total score is between 58 and 69, Josh Money wins
- the total score is 70 or over, Karl Vaillancourt wins.

Exciting, no?

I'll be back tomorrow with your Week 12 Results, a quick note on how to solve the quadratic equation (hint: subtract!) and the schedule for Week 13. Hope everyone enjoyed a great Thanksgiving weekend.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Week 12: Pre-Update

Here's your super quick Week 12 Pre-Update. Everyone picked Dallas and Green Bay. Only five people picked Denver over the now free-fallin New York "Excruciatingly Gross" Giants: Karl Vaillancourt, Zack Klein, John Weaver, Adam Roy, and Sandy Kory. Everyone else is a game back.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Week 12: Schedule

Here is the schedule for Week 12. It begins at 12:30 pm EST this Thursday (two days from now) so I'll need all your picks by then. Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and remember, there's no harm in slipping a pill into your mom's drink to keep her from calling your girlfriend a slut.

Green Bay at Detroit
Oakland at Dallas
New York "Right Turn Only" Giants at Denver
Miami at Buffalo
Seattle at St. Louis
Carolina at NY Jets
Cleveland at Cincinnati
Indianapolis at Houston
Tampa Bay at Atlanta
Washington at Philadelphia
Kansas City at San Diego
Jacksonville at San Francisco
Chicago at Minnesota
Arizona at Tennessee
Pittsburgh at Baltimore
New England at New Orleans (plus total points)

Week 11: Results

As you may recall from the pre-update and actual update (could you possibly be any more updated?) this week was going to come down to Monday Night Points between Matthew Mariam and Joey Bansen, and if Tennessee won last night, Zack Klein. Tennessee did win (screwing my fantasy team in the process, thank you very much) so Zack was in it.

Last night's score was 20-17 for 37 total MN points, or "about a million" for those of you who prefer fuzzy math. Zack (39) and Matthew Mariam (41) were both over, leaving the lone wolf, Joey "The Lone Wolf" Bansen holding the winner's dildo! Don't forget to wash your hands, Joey! Oh, and congratulations.

By sheer coincidence, this week's winner receives a DVD of "The Lone Ranger: The Story of Two-Pronged Tonto" stolen borrowed from Jon Stover's Adult DVD Land and Olde Timey Porno Shoppe. Enjoy!

Here's the final standings for Week 11:

1. Joey Bansen ... 13-3
1. Matthew Mariam ... 13-3
1. Zack Klein ... 13-3
4. Bill Denton ... 12-4
4. Jon Stover ... 12-4
4. Karl Vaillancourt ... 12-4
4. Dave Labowitz ... 12-4
4. John Weaver ... 12-4
4. Josh Money ... 12-4
4. Gedeon Mariam ... 12-4
11. Matthew Kory ... 11-5
11. Adam Roy ... 11-5
11. Dan Sinclair ... 11-5
14. George Smith ... 10-6
14. Alex Mena ... 10-6
16. Sandy Kory ... 7-9

We're finally getting some stratification in the The Current Overall Standings. Bill and Joey are leading the way with Jon, Gedeon, Dave and John following. After that it's poop-at-the-wall time, which explains my Redskins over the Cowboys pick this past week. Please note, I am not in last place in either standings. [pause for applause and applesauce] Thank you! Thank you very much...

COS are as follows:

1. Bill Denton ... 112-48
1(a). Joey Bansen ... 112-48
3. Jon Stover ... 111-49
3. Gedeon Mariam ... 111-49
5. Dave Labowitz ... 110-50
6. John Weaver ... 109-51
7. Dan Sinclair ... 107-53
8. Matthew Mariam ... 105-55
9. Adam Roy ... 104-56
9. Zack Klein ... 104-56
11. Josh Money ... 103-57
12. George Smith ... 102-58
12. Karl Vaillancourt ... 102-58
14. Alex Mena ... 100-60
15. Matthew Kory ... 95-65
16. Sandy Kory ... 92-68

It's a packed schedule coming up with three games on Turkey Day. So, as per usual, I'll need all of your picks by Thursday at 12:30 pm EST. I suggest you just flip a coin and send your picks in as soon as possible.

Week 12 schedule to come. Have a great holiday everyone.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Week 11: Actual Update

OK, peeps, here's the situation. With one game to go tonight, we've got three of y'all still in it. Joey Bansen and Matthew Mariam have 13 wins, the most in the pool(poop!). There's a few more with 12 wins, but just about everyone in the pool(poop!) picked Houston over Tennessee tonight including Joey and Matthew, so if you have twelve wins and Houston, you ain't picking up any ground.

Only one guy with 12 wins picked Tennessee to win tonight and can therefore potentially tie Joey and Matthew. That person is [ ... drum roll ...] Zack Klein. But, as you'll see in a minute, Zack's pretty screwed even if Tennessee wins.

Since we've got a tie one way or the other, its gonna come down to Monday Night Points. Here's how it breaks down. If Tennessee wins tonight, Zack, Joey, and Matthew will all have 13 wins.

In that instance:

  • If the total score is between 0 and 38, Joey Bansen will win.
  • If the total score is 39 or 40, Zack Klein will win.
  • If the total score is 41 or higher, Matthew Mariam will win.

If Houston wins tonight, here's the point breakdown:

  • If the total score is between 0 and 40, Joey Bansen will win.
  • If the total score is 41 or higher, Matthew Mariam will win.

Good luck to all involved, and as a side note I'd just like to say that if my stupid Redskins hadn't folded like me with two Aces in Dallas I'd be taking home the $70 right now. That's right, me. But no. F'n kicker can't hit a 39 yarder in a damn dome...

Back tomorrow with the final results for Week 11, the updated Current Overall Standings, hilarious poop jokes, and the schedule for Week 12.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Week 11: Pre-Update

It's certainly been an exciting week so far. With one game in the books, I've already been eliminated from contention. In yesterday's Panthers/Dolphins game I picked the Pottsville Maroons. Doh! Stupid passage of time...

As it stands now, we've got a three way tie for first. Joey Bansen, Matthew Mariam, and Zack Klein are all running away with this thing. They're all undefeated! And, here's the strange thing, nobody else has even a single win! Shameful.

I'll be back Monday morning with your regularly scheduled Week 11 Update. Until then, if anyone sees Jon Stover, please remind him to put his pants back on.

That is all.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Week 11: Schedule

Here is the schedule for Week 11. It starts this Thursday at November 19 at 8pm EST. I'll need all of your picks by then.

Miami at Carolina
Pittsburgh at Kansas City
New Orleans at Tampa Bay
Atlanta at New York "Fungible" Giants
Buffalo at Jacksonville
Indianapolis at Baltimore
Seattle at Minnesota
Cleveland at Detroit
Washington at Dallas
San Francisco at Green Bay
Arizona at St. Louis
New York Jets at New England
Cincinnati at Oakland
San Diego at Denver
Philadelphia at Chicago
Tennessee at Houston (total points)

Have a great week.

Week 10: Results

So, a funny thing happened on the way to Week 10: I fell into last place. Not by a couple games, either, but by what Bill's dad likely calls a shit-ton.

By Week 6 I was 14 games behind first place. That isn't easy to do. You have to monumentally mis-read the quality of the teams to fall that far back that quickly. The last time I MC'd this pool(poop!) in 2007 the person who finished in last place in the entire pool(poop!) was 17 games back. So I took care of the heavy lifting early.

So, this week didn't figure to be much different. But then the Sunday games happened, and I wasn't only in it, I was only a game out by Sunday night. (Isn't this exciting?) But then order was restored as the Colts were so far down on Sunday night that I turned off the TV. I awoke to find that they came back with a little help from their friends and won, vaulting yours truly into a tie for the money with Jon Stover and Alex Mena. We all had 10 wins going into last night's game.

Everyone in the pool(poop!) rightly picked Baltimore to win, so it would come down to Monday Night Points to break the tie. Thinking, "Baltimore can't score and Cleveland is completely inept" I picked 17 mnp, which was lower than Jon or Alex. As you may know, the final score was 16-0, making me the winner of Week 10! Holy Poop!

Fortunately for me, this week's winner (me!) wins Ronco's new & improved Small Shred of Dignity! It comes with a handy dandy carrying case and letter of authenticity suitable for framing.

Here is the final standings for Week 10:

1. Matthew Kory ... 11-4
1. Jon Stover ... 11-4
1. Alex Mena ... 11-4
4. Matthew Mariam ... 10-5
4. Adam Roy ... 10-5
4. Zack Klein ... 10-5
4. Gedeon Mariam ... 10-5
8. George Smith ... 9-6
8. Dan Sinclair ... 9-6
8. Karl Vaillancourt ... 9-6
11. Bill Denton ... 8-7
11. Dave Labowitz ... 8-7
11. Josh Money ... 8-7
11. Sandy Kory ... 8-7
15. Joey Bansen ... 7-8
15. John Weaver ... 7-8

As for the Current Overall Standings (COS), we have a single leader this week for the first time in a few weeks. Much like a kid on a trampoline, Bill Denton vaulted himself over everyone and has taken a one game lead over Gedeon Mariam, Joey Bansen, and Jon Stover. Dave Labowitz is right there too at two games back with John Weaver and Dan Sinclair three and four games back respectively.

After that you're gonna need some binoculars to see the front of the line. If you have any hopes of finishing in the money you're gonna need to start stringing some great weeks together. In all likelihood, it's probably time to start throwing poop at the wall and hoping some of it sticks and maybe you can win some weeks. Personally, my goal is to get the hell out of last place, which I have occupied every damn week since the start of the season. My brother is within striking distance, but after that the pickings get slimmer. So, Sandy, I'm gunning for you. This should not scare you.

Here are the COS through Week 10:

1. Bill Denton ... 100-44
2. Gedeon Mariam ... 99-45
2. Joey Bansen ... 99-45
2. Jon Stover ... 99-45
5. Dave Labowitz ... 98-46
6. John Weaver ... 97-47
7. Dan Sinclair ... 96-48
8. Adam Roy ... 93-51
9. Matthew Mariam ... 92-52
9. George Smith ... 92-52
11. Josh Money ... 91-53
11. Zack Klein ... 91-53
13. Karl Vaillancourt ... 90-54
13. Alex Mena ... 90-54
15. Sandy Kory ... 85-59
16. Matthew Kory ... 84-60

We've got another wonderful Thursday night game coming this week, so I'll need all your picks by then. You should get used to this. It's all part of the NFL's plan to put games on each night of the week but to do it over a three decade period so we'll all think each one is special.

Back later with the schedule for Week 11.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Week 10: Update (For Reeels This Time)

After twelve more games we've managed to narrow the field a bit. No more fourteen-way tie. We've narrowed the field to three, in fact. Jon Stover, Alex Mena, and (Holy @%*#&$!!) yours truly all currently lead the field with 10 wins. We have four more with nine wins, but nobody was dumb enough to pick Cleveland over Baltimore in the pool(poop!). That means that Week 10 comes down to Monday Night Points! Yay! Arbitrary tie-breaker!

Fortunately, there will be no tie this week because we all picked different MNPs. I picked 17, Alex nabbed 31 and Jon chose 37. As you will recall, the winner is the closest to the total score without going over (remember to spay and neuter your pets!).

Here's the breakdown:

  • If the final score totals between 0 and 30 points, I win, suckas!
  • If the final score totals between 31 and 36 points, Alex Mena wins.
  • If the final score totals 37 points or more, Jon Stover wins. (BOOOOOOO!)

Remember, folks, we've got yet another delicious Thursday night game coming up, so be prepared to send your picks in early this week.

Best of luck to me tonight. I'll be back tomorrow morning with the winner and the final standings for Week 10, as well as the Current Overall Standings update. I know you can't wait, but try to keep your breakfast down this time, eh?

Friday, November 13, 2009

Week 10: Pre-Update

One person picked Chicago and I'm missing picks from one other person. So, after one game, we've got a fourteen-way tie for first place. Gotta love Thursday night games.

In the words of Bill Denton, "Thursday games eat poo." Well said, sir. Well said indeed.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Week 10: Schedule

Here is the schedule for Week 10. Remember, this week begins in TWO DAYS, this Thursday night. I'll need all of your picks in by this Thursday, November 12, 8:19pm EST.

Chicago at San Francisco
Atlanta at Carolina
Tampa Bay at Miami
Detroit at Minnesota
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
Buffalo at Tennessee
Denver at Washington
New Orleans at St. Louis
Jacksonville at New York Jets
Kansas City at Oakland
Seattle at Arizona
Dallas at Green Bay
Philadelphia at San Diego
New England at Indianapolis
Baltimore at Cleveland (total points)

Week 9: Results

Week 9 came down to the Monday Night game. If Pittsburgh won, so did Bill Denton. Zack Klein tied his proverbial boat to the Denver Broncos. As you may know, the game was close into the third quarter, but then Pittsburgh turned it on and pulled away. That makes Bill Denton this week's Big Weiner! Bill, you win a goat eating a t-shirt that says "eat more goat". It's in the mail now, so I suggest you buy some straw.

We're starting to see some real stratification in the standings. First, the final standings for Week 9:

1. Bill Denton ... 10-3
2. Zack Klein ... 9-4
2. Dave Labowitz ... 9-4
2. Joey Bansen ... 9-4
5. John Weaver ... 8-5
5. Matthew Mariam ... 8-5
5. Gedeon Mariam ... 8-5
5. George Smith ... 8-5
9. Jon Stover ... 7-6
9. Dan Sinclair ... 7-6
9. Josh Money ... 7-6
12. Matthew Kory ... 6-7
12. Adam Roy ... 6-7
14. Alex Mena ... 5-8
14. Sandy Kory ... 5-8
14. Karl Vaillancourt ... 5-8

The Current Overall Standings (COS) are getting interesting. The top seven people are all within five games of each other. Gedeon has fallen off the pace a little bit but a few good weeks could put him right back up at the top. Dan Sinclair and Jon Stover are both within shouting distance and a few good weeks could move them up as well. John Weaver and Dave Labowitz have been hanging around at the top for a while. It's shaping up to be an interesting final 8 weeks.

1. Bill Denton ... 92-37
1. Joey Bansen ... 92-37
3. Dave Labowitz ... 90-39
3. John Weaver ... 90-39
5. Gedeon Mariam ... 89-40
6. Jon Stover ... 88-41
7. Dan Sinclair ... 87-42
8. George Smith ... 83-46
8. Josh Money ... 83-46
8. Adam Roy ... 83-46
11. Matthew Mariam ... 82-47
12. Zack Klein ... 81-48
12. Karl Vaillancourt ... 81-48
14. Alex Mena ... 79-50
15. Sandy ... 77-52
16. Matthew Kory ... 73-56

An important note: in its infinite wisdom, the NFL will now be playing games on Thursday nights pretty much from here on in. That means that you, the participants in this wonderful pool(poop!) must send in your picks, all of your picks, by that point. I'm sorry, I know many of you like to wait until the last minute to get your picks in, but as long as there are Thursday night games, the lat minute is going to be 8:19pm EST on Thursday.

I'll have the schedule for this week up momentarily... Have a good week, everyone.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Unofficial Update: Week 9

Two with 9 wins so far: Bill Denton and Zack Klein.

No MNP tonight. Bill picked Pittsburgh, Zack picked Denver. May the best man win.

More later...

Friday, November 06, 2009

Out To Lunch

I'll be out of town this weekend. I may have internet access where I'm going, but I may not. I hope to have an update up on Monday morning and the standings and weekly results on Tuesday morning, but in case I don't, it should be up soon after.


Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Week 9: Schedule

Here is the schedule for Week 9. The week begins on Sunday, November 8th at 1pm, EST. Please have your picks to me by that time. Thanks, and have a great week.

Baltimore at Cincinnati
Miami at New England
Kansas City at Jacksonville
Green Bay at Tampa Bay
Washington at Atlanta
Arizona at Chicago
Houston at Indianapolis
Carolina at New Orleans
Detroit at Seattle
Tennessee at San Francisco
San Diego at New York "Gallop'n Granny" Giants
Dallas at Philadelphia
Pittsburgh at Denver (plus total points)

Week 8: Results

First, a quick story.

I posted my picks in the comments section of the Week 8 schedule on Friday as I usually do. The next morning, I read that Vince Young would be QBing the Titans against Jacksonville. "With Crazy Vince at the helm, no way Tennessee wins this week," I thought. I go back to change my post. Instead of writing a second comment below the first and potentially confusing people, I just deleted my original comment with my picks in it, and cut and pasted the schedule again, but this time with Jacksonville instead of Tennessee as my pick. However, in that second comment I neglected to pick the Jets/Miami game. I had previously picked Miami, but because I had forgotten to note that in my new picks, I had to take the loss.

So, to recap, I posted my picks, went back to make a change and cost myself two wins in the process. This just isn't my year.

If you checked the update yesterday, you know that the week came down to three people, each with 10 wins: Dave Labowitz who picked 48 points, and Matthew Mariam and Jon Stover who both picked 51 points. Everyone in the entire pool(poop!) picked New Orleans so that was no tie breaker.

New Orleans won last night, 35-27, for a total of 62 Monday Night Points, meaning Jon Stover and Matthew Mariam are this week's winners! Congratulations to you both. You are going to split this week's prize which is a bag of last week's dirty baby diapers! Yay! I've taken the liberty of setting them on fire and placing them outside your respective abodes. Enjoy!

No, sadly, you both will share the Weekly Standard Prize. Congratulations to you both. (Jon, email me the address you want your check to go to.)

Here are the final standings for Week 8:

1. Jon Stover ... 10-3
1. Matthew Mariam ... 10-3
1. Dave "Tough Luck" Labowitz ... 10-3
4. Joey "Hang'n Tough" Bansen ... 9-4
4. John Weaver ... 9-4
4. Dan Sinclair ... 9-4
7. Zack Klein ... 8-5
7. Adam Roy ... 8-5
7. Karl Vaillancourt ... 8-5
7. Sandy Kory ... 8-5
7. Bill Denton ... 8-5
7. Alex Mena ... 8-5
13. Gedeon Mariam ... 7-6
13. Josh Money ... 7-6
13. Matthew "Not Last Place (this week)" Kory ... 7-6
16. George Smith ... 6-7

And here are the Current Overall Standings through Week 8:

1. Joey Bansen ... 83-33
2. John Weaver ... 82-34
2. Bill Denton ... 82-34
4. Dave Labowitz ... 81-35
4. Gedeon Mariam ... 81-35
4. Jon Stover ... 81-35
7. Dan Sinclair ... 80-36
8. Adam Roy ... 77-39
9. Karl Vaillancourt ... 76-40
9. Josh Money ... 76-40
11. George Smith ... 75-41
12. Matthew Mariam ... 74-42
12. Alex Mena ... 74-42
14. Zack Klein ... 72-44
14. Sandy Kory ... 72-44
16. Me ... 67-49

Back later with the schedule for Week 9...

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Week 8: Update

Happy update, everyone. A quickie here this morning. First of all, and not to go all Peter King on you here, but if you ever make it out to Portland, Oregon you gotta get yourself some Stumptown Coffee. This stuff is the best. In fact it's so good that Peter King probably wouldn't even like it. How's that for an endorsement? I'm enjoying a cup right now from a bag imported to Philly. Good stuff. Nothing goes with crying babies like good coffee...

To the pool(poop!)!

This week we've got three people tied for first place with 9 wins: Matthew Mariam, Jon Stover, and Dave Labowitz. Everyone in the entire pool(poop!) picked New Orleans to win tonight, so that ain't gonna change anything. That means... MONDAY NIGHT POINTS!! You know the drill by now (closest without going over wins, unless everyone goes over then it's just the closest):

Dave Labowitz picked 48 points
Matthew Mariam picked 51 points
Jon Stover picked 51 points
(Jon Stover and Matthew Mariam are going to get married! Because they picked the same amount of points!)

So if the total score of tonight's game adds up to 50 points or less, Dave Labowitz will win the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP). If the score is 51 or more, Jon Stover and Matthew Mariam will win and split the WSP.

I'll be back tomorrow with the winner and final standings for Week 8 and an update on the Current Overall Standings (COS). Good luck to none of you!