Thursday, December 31, 2009

Week 16: Update & Results (Oops)

[if you are looking for the Week 17 Schedule, you can access it here, or by scrolling down a post]

Apologies for posting this so late in the week. My excuse is its been a crazy week full of travel, babies, family, crying, friends, more babies, more family, some food, and, of course, poop. But its been fun.

But enough about me. To the pool(poop!)!

Last week was about as close as a week can get. Everyone was within three games of the top spot, and five of you tied for the lead. John Weaver, Zack Klein, Jon Stover, Dave Labowitz, and Karl Vaillancourt all led the week with 10 wins. So it came down to Monday Night Points! Yet again! Yay.

It was a NFC Central slug-match in the December cold, and everyone appropriately picked low MNP totals to match. However, things don't always go to plan, and the teams totaled 66 freakin points. Nobody came anywhere near going over. Dave, Stover and Karl all guessed in the 30s. Not unreasonable, but still, YOUGETSNONE! Zack Klein picked 43 MNP, but that was bested by the ever cleaver John Weaver, who guessed 44 MNP.

So, your Week 16 winner is... JOHN WEAVER!!! Congratulations to John for winning his second week this season. Unlike last time, John just wins the Weekly Standard Prize of $70. I'm guessing John uses it to help pay down the national debt. Because he's just that kind of guy.

Here are the final standings for Week 16:

1. John Weaver ... 10-6
1. Zack Klein ... 10-6
1. Jon Stover ... 10-6
1. Dave Labowitz ... 10-6
1. Karl Vaillancourt ... 10-6
6. Gedeon Mariam ... 9-7
6. Matthew Mariam ... 9-7
6. Adam Roy ... 9-7
6. Josh Money ... 9-7
6. Matthew Kory ... 9-7
11. Alex Mena ... 8-8
11. George Smith ... 8-8
13. Dan Sinclair ... 7-9
13. Sandy Kory ...7-9
13. Bill Denton ... 7-9
13. Joey Bansen ... 7-9

You may notice the presence of Bill Denton and Joey Bansen at the bottom of the weekly standings there. Week 16 is a tough time to finish last in the standings. Bill is still in it, but Joey is done. Sorry, Joey.

Your leader after 16 weeks of moist football-oriented action is Dave "Dollars" Labowitz. Magically, Dave has managed first place over all without winning any weeks this season so far. That's just hard to do. Or maybe Dave just sucks at Monday Night Points. Riding shotgun is Jon Stover, a game back of Dave. Jon is a Bills fan, so I'm fully expecting him to totally tank this coming week and finish 8th. After leading the pool by a wide margin through the first few weeks, Gedeon Mariam fell off a bit, but he's recovered enough to put himself in the money and within striking distance a game back of Jon and two behind Dave.

The real loser last week was Bill Denton who went from tied for first place to fourth, three games behind Dave. Bill's going to be throwing some serious turds at the wall this week hoping to climb back into the money, so if anyone lives within turd throwing distance of Dallas, Texas, I recommend you duck.

After Bill, it's going to take a ridiculous collapse of unprecedented proportions for anyone to get into the money slots (first, second, or third). Joey Bansen has the best shot at it, but he's four games back of Gedeon and he has to jump over Bill to get there. Good luck, Joey, but I don't think it's going to happen.

Other than that, the only race left is the race for last place. After sixteen weeks, my brother (Sandy) and I are locked in the Pool(poop!) version of the old East German licking matches. For those of you unfamiliar, behind the wall in the 70's boxing gloves were hard to come by. So East Germans made up the Licking Match where two people would enter the ring, usually a dirt floor surrounded by old sausage casings, and would proceed to lick each other until one of them threw up. The first one to barf lost.

My brother and I are in last place with 138 wins, a total the top of the pool(poop) reached four weeks ago. It comes down to this week. Will I pick the Browns and Lions to win? Will my brother ensure losing by forgetting to send in his picks? Stay tuned!

Here are your Current Overall Standings (COS) through Week 16:

1. Dave Labowitz ... 166-74
2. Jon Stover ... 165-75
3. Gedeon Mariam ... 164-76
4. Bill Denton ... 163-77
5. Joey Bansen ... 160-80
6. Josh Money ... 159-81
6. Adam Roy ... 159-81
8. Matthew Mariam ... 157-83
9. Karl Vaillancourt ... 156-84
9. John Weaver ... 156-84
11. George Smith ... 153-87
12. Dan Sinclair ... 151-89
12. Zack Klein ... 151-89
14. Alex Mena 150-90
15. Sandy Kory ... 138-102
15. Matthew Kory ... 138-102

Just one more week to go! Happy Holidays, everyone, from us here at the Pool(poop!)!

Week 17: Schedule

No, I haven't forgotten the updates. Things have been Sarah Palin-like crazy around here, but I'm going to get the Week 16 results up today (Thursday), dammit. I promise. In the meantime, here is the schedule for Week 17.

The games start this Sunday at 1pm EST, so I'll need all of your picks by then. There is no Monday Night game this week, so we'll use the Sunday Night game instead. Its so designated below. Happy Holidays, and best of luck to everyone on this the final week of Matty's Third Annual Football Pool (POOP!)!

Indianapolis at Buffalo
New Orleans at Carolina
Jacksonville at Cleveland
New England at Houston
NY "Vickers Mark 6A Light Tank" Giants at Minnesota
San Francisco at St. Louis
Atlanta at Tampa Bay
Pittsburgh at Miami
Chicago at Detroit
Philadelphia at Dallas
Kansas City at Denver
Baltimore at Oakland
Tennessee at Seattle
Washington at San Diego
Green Bay at Arizona
Cincinnati at NY Jets (plus points)

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Week 16: Under Construction

Sorry for the delay, folks. I'm down in DC, away from my computer and all the stats it has on it. I'll be back in Philly tonight (where I live) and I'll do my best to get the results and week 17 schedule up soon after I arrive this evening.


Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Week 16: Schedule

No more Thursday night games! Yay! Instead, we've got a Friday night game. Small blessings, people, small blessings.

This week begins this coming Christmas Day, Friday, December 25th, at 7:30 pm EST. I need all of your picks for the week by that time.

Happy Holidays. Here is your schedule for Week 16:

San Diego at Tennessee
Tampa Bay at New Orleans
Kansas City at Cincinnati
Buffalo at Atlanta
Houston at Miami
Seattle at Green Bay
Carolina at New York Giants
Oakland at Cleveland
Jacksonville at New England
Baltimore at Pittsburgh
St. Louis at Arizona
Detroit at San Francisco
Denver at Philadelphia
New York Jets at Indianapolis
Dallas at Washington
Minnesota at Chicago (total points)

Week 15: Results

Two weeks go to and we've got some action at the top, folks. But first I'd like to take a moment to congratulate the Washington Redskins for engendering the most exclamations from national football announcers that I've ever heard in my 30 years following football. Mike "Bring that ass over here" Tirico actually said "Wow." on several occasions, Jon Gruden repeatedly said how amazed he was at how completely dominated the Redskins were, and telestrater extraordinaire Ron Jaworski said "perfectly executed" so many times I think he may have pulled a vocal cord. I'll add to Tirico's count and say, wow, what a pooptastic performance.

But I'm not here to bury the Redskins. No, they did that themselves about six weeks ago. [Ba-Da-BOOM!] Sank yoo, I vill be heer all zee veek.

Lets get right to the Week 15 action. When last we left them, there was a six thousand way tie for first place. Fortunately, five thousand nine hundred ninety six picked Washington last night (actually two), so it came down to just four people.

Those four were Jon Stover, Josh Money, Dave Labowitz, and Gedeon Mariam. Josh picked 36 Monday Night Points, Stover and Labowitz both picked 40, and Gedeon out-foxed them all by picking 42. The final score was Eleventy Boobtillion to negative 6, so, since Gedeon was the high man on the totem pole, he wins!

Congratulations, Gedeon! You win a year-long pass to see Robert Downey, Jr. kill Sir Arthur Conan Doyle all over again by kicking more ass in the new Sherlock Holmes! That's right, Downey essentially digs Sir Arthur back up again and poops right on his face! And you can see it as many times as you like! Yay!

No, actually you win more money than you can shake 69 sticks at. Unless it comes in check form (it does), in which case, you win the Weekly Standard Prize of $70.

Here are the final standings for Week 15:

1. Gedeon Mariam ... 10-6
1. Dave Labowitz ... 10-6
1. Jon Stover ... 10-6
1. Josh Money ... 10-6
5. Zack Klein ... 9-7
5. George Smith ... 9-7
5. Alex Mena ... 9-7
5. Bill Denton ... 9-7
5. Joey Bansen ... 9-7
10. Dan Sinclair ... 8-8
10. Matthew Kory ... 8-8
10. Sandy Kory ... 8-8
10. Matthew Mariam ... 8-8
10. Adam Roy ... 8-8
15. Karl Vaillancourt ... 7-9
15. John Weaver ... 7-9

Week 15 pushed Joey Bansen back down the standings a bit, so I hope I'm not jumping the gun when I say it looks like the final winners will come out of the pack of current leaders Dave Labowitz and Bill Denton, and the two a game behind them, Gedeon Mariam and Jon Stover. Joey Bansen is three games back, which he could make up in two weeks, but it'll be a tough assignment. After Joey, well, we're all just picking up scraps. Its desperation time, people. I predict 11 people pick Detroit next week.

In other certainly less important news, the hotly contested title for last place is looking like a two man race: me and my brother. I predict he'll forget to send in his picks one of these last two weeks and I'll pass him in the standings.

Here are your Current Overall Standings:

1. Dave Labowitz ... 156-68
1. Bill Denton ... 156-68
3. Gedeon Mariam ... 155-69
3. Jon Stover ... 155-69
5. Joey Bansen ... 153-71
6. Adam Roy ... 150-74
6. Josh Money ... 150-74
8. Matthew Mariam ... 148-76
9. Karl Vaillancourt ... 146-78
9. John Weaver ... 146-78
11. George Smith ... 145-79
12. Dan Sinclair ... 144-80
13. Alex Mena ... 142-82
14. Zack Klein ... 141-83
15. Sandy Kory ... 131-93
16. Matthew Kory ... 129-95

Week 16 Schedule to come. Anyone who is traveling over the holidays may want to just suck it up and send in your picks early.

Congratulations to Gedeon one more time, and Happy holidays to you all.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Week 15: Update

Well, my little chickadees, we collectively sucked a fat hog this week. Everyone is either 9-6, 8-7, or 7-8. The six tied at the semi-pitiful record of 9-6 are - obviously - the ones in the running for the WSP. Here's the list with who they picked for tonight's game, followed by all the MNP machinations:

Alex Mena (REDSKINS!!!!!!)
Jon Stover (giants)
Dave Labowitz (giants)
Josh Money (giants)
Zack Klein (REDSKINS!!!!!!!)
Gedeon Mariam (giants)

If the giants win and the total score is...:

...between 0 and 39, Josh Money wins.
... either 40 or 41 then Jon Stover and Dave Labowitz split the WSP.
... 42 or higher, Gedeon Mariam wins.

If the REDSKINS!!!!!!! win and the total score is...:

...between 0-43, Alex Mena wins.
... 44 or greater, Zack Klein wins.

Best of luck to everyone. I'll be back tomorrow with the results, and the schedule for Week 16. It seems we're done with Thursday games. Instead, we've got a Friday night game this week, so I'll need your picks by Christmas day, Friday, December 25th at 7:30pm EST.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Money Distribution In Case Of A Tie In The Overall Standings At The End Of The Season

If you're looking for your Week 15 schedule, you can find it here.

* * *

This post outlines the distribution of winnings at the end of the season. In the years doing this pool we've never had a tie at the top before, and based on the current standings we won't have one this year either, but just in case, I thought it would be good to put in writing.

If there are no ties at all:

* The person finishing first overall wins $460.

* The person finishing second overall wins $225.

* The person finishing third overall wins $125.

If there is a two way tie for first:

* The first place and second place prize money is combined ($460 + $225 = $685) and divided by two ($685 / 2 = $342.50), so each first place winner will receive $342.50.

* The third place prize will be handed out to (or divided up equally between) the person(s) who finish directly behind the first place finishers.

Person 1 ... 200-2
Person 2 ... 200-2
Person 3 ... 199-3
Person 4 ... 199-3
Person 5 ... 198-4

- Person 1 and Person 2 are tied for first, so the first and second place prizes are combined and then split, with each person receiving half or receive $342.50.
- Person 3 and Person 4 are directly behind the first place finishers. As they are tied, they split the third place prize, so each receives $62.50.

If there is a three way (or more) tie for first:

* All the prize money would be combined ($810) and divided by the number of people tied for the position. (Example: $810 divided by 3, so each person wins $270.)

* No second or third place money would be handed out.

Person 1 ... 200-2
Person 2 ... 200-2
Person 3 ... 200-2
Person 4 ... 199-3
Person 5 ... 198-4

- Person 1, Person 2, and Person 3 are all tied for first. All the final money ($810) is split three ways and distributed equally to each, so that each receives $270.
- Person 4 and Person 5 receive nothing.

If there is a tie for second, but not for first:

* The first place person will receive the full first place prize.

* The people tied for second will receive the total of the second and third place prizes divided by the number of people tied for second (example: two people tied for second, you add the second and third place prizes [$225 + $125 = $350] and divide by the number of people tied for the position [2] and each person will get $175).

* No third place prize would be distributed.

Person 1 ... 200-2
Person 2 ... 199-3
Person 3 ... 199-3
Person 4 ... 199-3
Person 5 ... 198-4

- Person 1 wins the full first place prize of $460.
- Person 2, Person 3 and Person 4 are all tied for second. The second place and third place money ($225 and $125) is combined ($350) split three ways, and distributed equally to each, so that each receives $116.66.

- Person 5 receives nothing.

If there are no ties for first or second and a tie for third:

* First and second place prizes will be distributed normally.

* The third place prize ($125) will be split as many ways as there are third place finishers.

* * *

I hope that is all clear. Please email me if you have any questions.

Week 15: Schedule

Here is your Week 15 schedule. The first game is tomorrow, Thursday, December 17, 2009, at 8:20 pm EST. I'll need all of your picks by then.

Indianapolis at Jacksonville
Dallas at New Orleans
Cleveland at Kansas City
Atlanta at New York Jets
Miami at Tennessee
Houston at St. Louis
Arizona at Detroit
San Francisco at Philadelphia
New England at Buffalo
Chicago at Baltimore
Oakland at Denver
Cincinnati at San Diego
Tampa Bay at Seattle
Green Bay at Pittsburgh
Minnesota at Carolina
New York "bedpan" Giants at Washington (plus total points)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Week 14: Results

As Week 14 comes to a close we're left with only three weeks in the Christmas Shopping Season that is Matty's Third Annual Football Pool(poop!). Its time to pull out all the stops in hopes of squeezing one more victory out of this pool(poop!), one more win to sustain you through the long hot summer before the inevitable start of Matty's Fourth Annual Football Pool(poop!).

As for this week, well if you pay any attention to the updates you'd know that this week's winner wasn't in doubt after Sunday night. It is Bill Denton! Congratulations, Mr. Denton! You win this week's surprise prize, a boot to the nads from Jon Stover!! Jon went out and bought steel-toed shoes just for the occasion too. Lucky Jon didn't win this week, too, because in addition to getting kicked in the nads, he'd probably pull a hamstring.

Bill will also receive the Weekly Standard Prize, which will be delivered in a flaming poop-encrusted envelope at roughly 2am local time. Allow 8-12 weeks for delivery.

Here are the final standings for Week 14:

1. Bill Denton ... 14-2
2. Dave Labowitz ... 13-3
2. Matthew Mariam ... 13-3
2. Adam Roy ... 13-3
5. Gedeon Mariam ... 12-4
5. George Smith ... 12-4
5. Karl Vaillancourt ... 12-4
5. Alex Mena ... 12-4
9. Dan Sinclair ... 11-5
9. Sandy Kory ... 11-5
9. Josh Money ... 11-5
12. Matthew Kory ... 10-6
12. John Weaver ... 10-6
12. Zack Klein ... 10-6
15. Jon Stover ... 9-7
15. Joey Bansen ... 9-7

The less than palatable performance by Joey and Jon has put the hurt'n to 'em, but good. Jon went from first overall by himself to tied for third with Gedeon Mariam, who just won't quit. After falling off the pace for a few weeks, Gedeon has managed to climb back up the proverbial ladder, where he sits with Jon, two games behind Bill and a game behind Dave. Incidentally, Dave Labowitz has managed the second best overall record of anyone in the pool without winning a single week. That deserves an MTAFP(p!) golf clap. * clap clap clap * Way to go, Dave.

After that, Joey, who forgot to send in his picks this week and thus earned the worst record recorded this week, fell to a game behind Jon and Gedeon, three games off the pace. Not an insurmountable deficit, but with only three weeks to go, it could be tough. After that, Adam Roy just won't say die, but he's got a herculean task ahead of him if he wants to finish in the money. He has to make up at least games on the field and jump ahead of at least three if not more people in the standings. Good luck with that, Adam.

After Adam, well the rest of us are just eating poop from a bowl.

Here are your Current Overall Standings (COS)

1. Bill Denton ... 147-61
2. Dave Labowitz ... 146-62
3. Gedeon Mariam ... 145-63
3. Jon Stover ... 145-63
5. Joey Bansen ... 144-64
6. Adam Roy ... 142-66
7. Josh Money ... 140-68
7. Matthew Mariam ... 140-68
9. Karl Vaillancourt ... 139-69
9. John Weaver ... 139-69
11. Dan Sinclair ... 136-72
11. George Smith ... 136-72
13. Alex Mena ... 133-75
14. Zack Klein ... 132-76
15. Sandy Kory ... 123-85
16. Matthew Kory ... 121-87

Back later with the schedule for Week 15, which begins this Thursday evening and the explanation for the final distribution of moneys in the event of a tie.

Have a great week.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Week 14: Update

So, remember when I was smoking all y'all? My winning percentage was 1.000, and yours was 0.000. Ah... I remember that. Well, that's not so much how it is anymore. Sadly I have returned to my rightful place, the black hole at the bottom of the standings. Still, I'll always remember my few days in the sun... [cue happy montage: footage of people dancing in the street, children eating ice cream, and the sun poking out from behind clouds all to Sheryl Crow's "Soaking Up The Sun"]

But back to reality. [induce vomiting]

Week 14 was an exercise in doing what Bill Denton did. If you followed the ways of the Denton (pronounced with a Louisiana accent thusly: Den-TONE), you were golden. If not, and I am a prime example of this, you got to eat the yucky yucky poop log. Speaking from experience, grody.

What the hell are you saying, Matty? Gosh dernit, just spit it out!

Alright, already. Bill Denton is this week's winner. In 15 games he has 14 wins, and picked Arizona tonight. Three people have 13 wins, but none of them picked San Francisco tonight so none of them can pick up a game on Bill and bring the contest to Monday Night Points. So they all lose, and Bill wins. Satisfied?

No. Eat poo.

Sorry to spoil the suspense.

I'll be back tomorrow with the final standings for Week 14 and the Current Overall standings. If your name rhymes with "Snon Clover" you probably won't be too pleased, but if your name rhymes with "Dill Turdenton" you probably will be happy. Heck, I'll probably throw in some more poop jokes to amuse and upset.

* * *

Also, I forgot to post about how the final money will be distributed in case of a tie at the top of the standings. I'll do that this week, I promise.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Week 14: Pre-Update

One game down in Week 14 and we've got a clear leader already: Me! That's right, you mo-rons, I'm the only one to call Cleveland over Pittsburgh. So, here's the standings for Week 14 as they stand now:

1. Me ... Wins, sunshine, and smiling puppies
16. You ... Losses, pain, sadness, and angry snakes

So, I'm running over all of y'all with a steamroller, trampling you like a soccer riot, and crushing you like Tiger's wife.

Of course, that could change in the next fifteen games.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

Week 14: Schedule

Here is the schedule for Week 14. The first game is on Thursday, December 10th at 8:20pm EST, so I'll need all of your picks by that time. As always, my picks will be posted in the comments section before the start of the first game.

Pittsburgh at Cleveland
New Orleans at Atlanta
Detroit at Baltimore
Green Bay at Chicago
Seattle at Houston
Denver at Indianapolis
Miami at Jacksonville
Buffalo at Kansas City
Cincinnati at Minnesota
Carolina at New England
New York Jets at Tampa Bay
St. Louis at Tennessee
Washington at Oakland
San Diego at Dallas
Philadelphia at New York "Beer Koozie" Giants
Arizona at San Francisco (total points)

Week 13: Results

Its a banner day, folks. In three years of being in this pool, Jon Stover has never, never, never (that's "never") won a WSP. OK, yes, he did split one with Matthew Mariam in Week 8, but that's as far as he's got. Well dry your teams, Jon, because you're this week's big wiener!

With Green Bay's win last night, Jon Stover wins this week outright. No wussy MNP for him. He did it the old fashioned way: he beat up a senior citizen, stole it, then ran away.

Congrats, Jon. I believe you're only down $4,308.17 now. Good luck winning that all back.

Here are the final standings for Week 13:

1. Jon Stover ... 13-3
2. Alex Mena ... 12-4
2. Josh Money ... 12-4
4. Adam Roy ... 11-5
4. Joey Bansen ... 11-5
4. Karl Vaillancourt ... 11-5
7. George Smith ... 10-6
7. Bill Denton ... 10-6
7. Sandy Kory ... 10-6
7. Dave Labowitz ... 10-6
7. Gedeon Mariam ... 10-6
12. Dan Sinclair ... 9-7
12. Matthew Mariam ... 9-7
14. John Weaver ... 8-8
15. Zack Klein ... 7-9
16. Matthew Kory ... 6-10

We've got four more weeks, folks, and we've got some turnover at the top. But before we get to that, it has been brought to my attention that I haven't been clear about how the prize money will be distributed in the case of a tie for either first, second, or third in the final standings. I'm going to put a post up about that after the schedule for Week 14 is posted, so sometime within the next few days. Please refer to that if you have any questions, and as always, feel free to email me if things aren't clear. (It may be slightly technical, so feel free to ignore it if you like.)

Back to the pool(poop!)! So, where was I? Ah! Turn over at the top. You may recall that the top of last week's standings looked like this:

Standings after Week 12 (!not current!):

1. Joey Bansen ... 124
2. Dave Labowitz ... 123
2. Jon Stover ... 123
2. Bill Denton ... 123
2. Gedeon Mariam ... 123
6. John Weaver ... 121

Well, things have changed since then. Were things were muddled, now we have clarity. Where things were tied, now we have... uh... untied. (I was an English major!)

For the first time in a while we've got a clear #1 and #2. After that there is a race for third place between three people. And after that, well, Adam Roy is making a serious charge over these last few weeks. Something could come of it if he keeps it up, but it's gonna be tough. Josh Money is in the running as much as Adam, but both of them are 7 games back. Poor John Weaver has dropped from three games back to seven games back. (Ouch!) So he's in the same boat as Josh and Adam.

Here's the craziness (a.k.a the Current Overall Standings (COS)):

1. Jon Stover ... 136
2. Joey Bansen ... 135
3. Bill Denton ... 133
3. Gedeon Mariam ... 133
3. Dave Labowitz ... 133
6. Adam Roy ... 129
6. Josh Money ... 129
6. John Weaver ... 129
9. Karl Vaillancourt ... 127
9. Matthew Mariam ... 127
11. Dan Sinclair ... 125
12. George Smith ... 124
13. Zack Klein ... 122
14. Alex Mena ... 121
15. Sandy Kory ... 112
16. Matthew Kory ... 111

The schedule for Week 14 to come (again, another irritating Thursday night game, so I'll need your picks before then), along with the explanation of ties in the final standings.

Have a great week everyone, and congratulations to Jon.

Monday, December 07, 2009

Week 13: Update

One more game to go in this week of our NFL season and we've got some serious turnover at the top. Howdy, folks. Hope your weekend wasn't as gut-wrenching as mine (thanks Redskins). Here at your beloved Pool(poop!) Headquarters (P(p!)Hq), its chaos, anarchy, bedlam, discord, a free-for-all, a holy mess, and a bunch of other synonyms for chaos that I found on Ah... the series of tubes we call the internet. Thank you, Al Gore. Thank you.

Here is where we stand right now. Only one person managed more than 11 wins so far and that would be The Holy Reverend Jonald D. "Ol' Stinky Horseybottoms" Stover, IV Esq. with his 12. That puts Ol' Stinky Horseybottoms in sole possession of first place one game ahead of Adam "I Really Need The Money" Roy, Josh "I Really Am The Money" Money, and Alex "No Fancypants Nickname Here" Mena who all have 11.

[By the way, just in case you are wondering, "Hmmm... I know winning is important and all, but I sure am curious if anyone shat the bed so spectacularly this week that they are, oh, say seven games behind Ol' Stinky Horseybottoms and at least two games behind everyone else..." Well, funny you should wonder, because the answer is, amazingly, yes. Friends, I lay claim to that honor. And by 'honor' I mean 'sucking hard.' Real, real hard.]

To tie Reverend Horseybottoms, any one of the 11 Win Triumvirate (11WT) will have to catch him tonight and beat him on Monday Night Points. Sadly for Josh and Alex, Jon picked Green Bay over Baltimore tonight, and so did they, thus making it mathematically impossible for them to catch him. Of the 11WT, only Adam Roy picked Baltimore, meaning...

Adam Roy is our only hope.

Jon picked 41 MNP. Adam picked 42 MNP. This one's easy. So, here's how it works tonight. If Baltimore wins tonight, and the final score totals 42 or more, Adam wins. Any other scenario and Jon wins.

Best of luck to neither of you bastards.

Back tomorrow with more tales from the crypt the final standings for Week 13 and Week 14's schedule.

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Week 13: Schedule

Here is the schedule for Week 13. The week begins this Thursday, December 3 at 8:20 pm EST. I'll need all of your picks by then.

New York Jets at Toronto/Buffalo
St. Louis at Chicago
New England at Miami
Philadelphia at Atlanta
New Orleans at Washington
Tennessee at Indianapolis
Oakland at Pittsburgh
Denver at Kansas City
Tampa Bay at Carolina
Detroit at Cincinnati
Houston at Jacksonville
San Diego at Cleveland
Dallas at New York "Software Developing" Giants
San Francisco at Seattle
Minnesota at Arizona
Baltimore at Green Bay (total points)

Week 12: Results

Another exciting week is in the books and we've got ourselves another repeat winner. You'll remember that if New Orleans won last night, the pool(poop!) would come down to Monday Night Points (MNP). Again. So guess what happened.

[pause for tumbleweed rolling by]

Yes. New Orleans won. I know. Unbelievable.

Even more unbelievable was the point total. If the score was 57 or less, Adam Roy would win. Between 58 and 69 (huh huh huh) Josh Money would win, and if the score exceeded 69 (huh huh huh) points, Karl Vaillancourt would win.

The final score was 38-17 for a total of 55 MNPs. Adam Roy wins! Congratulations Adam! You win this week's prize, an all expenses paid trip to Adam Roy's house!! Oh... crap. Well, never mind. Or, in 90's parlance, nevermind. You'll have to settle for the Weekly Standard Prize, which should arrive at your doorstep any moment. Just remember the two rules of receiving the WSP: Rule 1) Open in a lightly populated area, and Rule 2) If it begins to smoke, cover your head, and flee on foot while making sounds like a chicken.

Here are the final standings for Week 12:

1. Adam Roy ... 14-2
1. Karl Vaillancourt ... 14-2
1. Josh Money ... 14-2
4. Matthew Mariam ... 13-3
4. Dave Labowitz ... 13-3
6. Joey Bansen ... 12-4
6. Jon Stover ... 12-4
6. John Weaver ... 12-4
6. Gedeon Mariam ... 12-4
6. George Smith ... 12-4
11. Zack Klein ... 11-5
11. Bill Denton ... 11-5
13. Matthew Kory ... 10-6
13. Sandy Kory ... 10-6
15. Alex Mena ... 9-7
15. Dan Sinclair ... 9-7

There are 5 more weeks left in this NFL season, so it's time to fling that poo against the wall in a desperate and ultimately futile attempt to climb the standings. This week there is no tie at the top. Joey Bansen is the overall leader, but three people (Dave Labowitz, Bill Denton, and Jon Stover) are only a game back. After that, John Weaver is three games behind Joey and that pretty much ends the list of contenders for first place overall. Unless Adam or Matthew Mariam can pull a hat out of their ass and then pull a rabbit out of the hat. And let me tell you from personal experience... actually, forget it.

Your Current Overall Standings (COS) are as follows:

1. Joey Bansen ... 124
2. Dave Labowitz ... 123
2. Jon Stover ... 123
2. Bill Denton ... 123
2. Gedeon Mariam ... 123
6. John Weaver ... 121
7. Adam Roy ... 118
7. Matthew Mariam ... 118
9. Josh Money ... 117
10. Karl Vaillancourt ... 116
10. Dan Sinclair ... 116
12. Zack Klein ... 115
13. George Smith ... 114
14. Alex Mena ... 109
15. Matthew Kory ... 105
16. Sandy Kory ... 102

We've got yet another Thursday night game this week folks, so don't forget to turn your picks in by 8:20 pm EST, this Thursday night, December 3rd. I'll post the schedule for Week 13 in a moment. Have a great week.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Week 12: Actual Update

Good morning to you folks. It's another happy Monday. Yay.

I'm here to tell you that Karl Vaillancourt is ridiculous. More specifically, he's a ridiculous 14-1 right now. That is crazy, and it doesn't leave much room to keep up, but surprisingly two of you managed to anyway. Adam Roy and Josh Money are both 13-2 and only a game back. And (here's the kicker) both of them picked New Orleans tonight, while Karl went with New England. Oooo, intrigue.

Here's the simple scenario: if New England wins, Karl wins. Doesn't matter what the score is. Karl gets the $70 gift certificate to Goat World. But, if New Orleans wins, we've got three people at 14 wins and that means only one thing...


That's Monday Night Points. So, if New Orleans wins, and...

- the total score is between zero and 57, Adam Roy wins
- the total score is between 58 and 69, Josh Money wins
- the total score is 70 or over, Karl Vaillancourt wins.

Exciting, no?

I'll be back tomorrow with your Week 12 Results, a quick note on how to solve the quadratic equation (hint: subtract!) and the schedule for Week 13. Hope everyone enjoyed a great Thanksgiving weekend.

Friday, November 27, 2009

Week 12: Pre-Update

Here's your super quick Week 12 Pre-Update. Everyone picked Dallas and Green Bay. Only five people picked Denver over the now free-fallin New York "Excruciatingly Gross" Giants: Karl Vaillancourt, Zack Klein, John Weaver, Adam Roy, and Sandy Kory. Everyone else is a game back.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Week 12: Schedule

Here is the schedule for Week 12. It begins at 12:30 pm EST this Thursday (two days from now) so I'll need all your picks by then. Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and remember, there's no harm in slipping a pill into your mom's drink to keep her from calling your girlfriend a slut.

Green Bay at Detroit
Oakland at Dallas
New York "Right Turn Only" Giants at Denver
Miami at Buffalo
Seattle at St. Louis
Carolina at NY Jets
Cleveland at Cincinnati
Indianapolis at Houston
Tampa Bay at Atlanta
Washington at Philadelphia
Kansas City at San Diego
Jacksonville at San Francisco
Chicago at Minnesota
Arizona at Tennessee
Pittsburgh at Baltimore
New England at New Orleans (plus total points)

Week 11: Results

As you may recall from the pre-update and actual update (could you possibly be any more updated?) this week was going to come down to Monday Night Points between Matthew Mariam and Joey Bansen, and if Tennessee won last night, Zack Klein. Tennessee did win (screwing my fantasy team in the process, thank you very much) so Zack was in it.

Last night's score was 20-17 for 37 total MN points, or "about a million" for those of you who prefer fuzzy math. Zack (39) and Matthew Mariam (41) were both over, leaving the lone wolf, Joey "The Lone Wolf" Bansen holding the winner's dildo! Don't forget to wash your hands, Joey! Oh, and congratulations.

By sheer coincidence, this week's winner receives a DVD of "The Lone Ranger: The Story of Two-Pronged Tonto" stolen borrowed from Jon Stover's Adult DVD Land and Olde Timey Porno Shoppe. Enjoy!

Here's the final standings for Week 11:

1. Joey Bansen ... 13-3
1. Matthew Mariam ... 13-3
1. Zack Klein ... 13-3
4. Bill Denton ... 12-4
4. Jon Stover ... 12-4
4. Karl Vaillancourt ... 12-4
4. Dave Labowitz ... 12-4
4. John Weaver ... 12-4
4. Josh Money ... 12-4
4. Gedeon Mariam ... 12-4
11. Matthew Kory ... 11-5
11. Adam Roy ... 11-5
11. Dan Sinclair ... 11-5
14. George Smith ... 10-6
14. Alex Mena ... 10-6
16. Sandy Kory ... 7-9

We're finally getting some stratification in the The Current Overall Standings. Bill and Joey are leading the way with Jon, Gedeon, Dave and John following. After that it's poop-at-the-wall time, which explains my Redskins over the Cowboys pick this past week. Please note, I am not in last place in either standings. [pause for applause and applesauce] Thank you! Thank you very much...

COS are as follows:

1. Bill Denton ... 112-48
1(a). Joey Bansen ... 112-48
3. Jon Stover ... 111-49
3. Gedeon Mariam ... 111-49
5. Dave Labowitz ... 110-50
6. John Weaver ... 109-51
7. Dan Sinclair ... 107-53
8. Matthew Mariam ... 105-55
9. Adam Roy ... 104-56
9. Zack Klein ... 104-56
11. Josh Money ... 103-57
12. George Smith ... 102-58
12. Karl Vaillancourt ... 102-58
14. Alex Mena ... 100-60
15. Matthew Kory ... 95-65
16. Sandy Kory ... 92-68

It's a packed schedule coming up with three games on Turkey Day. So, as per usual, I'll need all of your picks by Thursday at 12:30 pm EST. I suggest you just flip a coin and send your picks in as soon as possible.

Week 12 schedule to come. Have a great holiday everyone.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Week 11: Actual Update

OK, peeps, here's the situation. With one game to go tonight, we've got three of y'all still in it. Joey Bansen and Matthew Mariam have 13 wins, the most in the pool(poop!). There's a few more with 12 wins, but just about everyone in the pool(poop!) picked Houston over Tennessee tonight including Joey and Matthew, so if you have twelve wins and Houston, you ain't picking up any ground.

Only one guy with 12 wins picked Tennessee to win tonight and can therefore potentially tie Joey and Matthew. That person is [ ... drum roll ...] Zack Klein. But, as you'll see in a minute, Zack's pretty screwed even if Tennessee wins.

Since we've got a tie one way or the other, its gonna come down to Monday Night Points. Here's how it breaks down. If Tennessee wins tonight, Zack, Joey, and Matthew will all have 13 wins.

In that instance:

  • If the total score is between 0 and 38, Joey Bansen will win.
  • If the total score is 39 or 40, Zack Klein will win.
  • If the total score is 41 or higher, Matthew Mariam will win.

If Houston wins tonight, here's the point breakdown:

  • If the total score is between 0 and 40, Joey Bansen will win.
  • If the total score is 41 or higher, Matthew Mariam will win.

Good luck to all involved, and as a side note I'd just like to say that if my stupid Redskins hadn't folded like me with two Aces in Dallas I'd be taking home the $70 right now. That's right, me. But no. F'n kicker can't hit a 39 yarder in a damn dome...

Back tomorrow with the final results for Week 11, the updated Current Overall Standings, hilarious poop jokes, and the schedule for Week 12.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Week 11: Pre-Update

It's certainly been an exciting week so far. With one game in the books, I've already been eliminated from contention. In yesterday's Panthers/Dolphins game I picked the Pottsville Maroons. Doh! Stupid passage of time...

As it stands now, we've got a three way tie for first. Joey Bansen, Matthew Mariam, and Zack Klein are all running away with this thing. They're all undefeated! And, here's the strange thing, nobody else has even a single win! Shameful.

I'll be back Monday morning with your regularly scheduled Week 11 Update. Until then, if anyone sees Jon Stover, please remind him to put his pants back on.

That is all.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Week 11: Schedule

Here is the schedule for Week 11. It starts this Thursday at November 19 at 8pm EST. I'll need all of your picks by then.

Miami at Carolina
Pittsburgh at Kansas City
New Orleans at Tampa Bay
Atlanta at New York "Fungible" Giants
Buffalo at Jacksonville
Indianapolis at Baltimore
Seattle at Minnesota
Cleveland at Detroit
Washington at Dallas
San Francisco at Green Bay
Arizona at St. Louis
New York Jets at New England
Cincinnati at Oakland
San Diego at Denver
Philadelphia at Chicago
Tennessee at Houston (total points)

Have a great week.

Week 10: Results

So, a funny thing happened on the way to Week 10: I fell into last place. Not by a couple games, either, but by what Bill's dad likely calls a shit-ton.

By Week 6 I was 14 games behind first place. That isn't easy to do. You have to monumentally mis-read the quality of the teams to fall that far back that quickly. The last time I MC'd this pool(poop!) in 2007 the person who finished in last place in the entire pool(poop!) was 17 games back. So I took care of the heavy lifting early.

So, this week didn't figure to be much different. But then the Sunday games happened, and I wasn't only in it, I was only a game out by Sunday night. (Isn't this exciting?) But then order was restored as the Colts were so far down on Sunday night that I turned off the TV. I awoke to find that they came back with a little help from their friends and won, vaulting yours truly into a tie for the money with Jon Stover and Alex Mena. We all had 10 wins going into last night's game.

Everyone in the pool(poop!) rightly picked Baltimore to win, so it would come down to Monday Night Points to break the tie. Thinking, "Baltimore can't score and Cleveland is completely inept" I picked 17 mnp, which was lower than Jon or Alex. As you may know, the final score was 16-0, making me the winner of Week 10! Holy Poop!

Fortunately for me, this week's winner (me!) wins Ronco's new & improved Small Shred of Dignity! It comes with a handy dandy carrying case and letter of authenticity suitable for framing.

Here is the final standings for Week 10:

1. Matthew Kory ... 11-4
1. Jon Stover ... 11-4
1. Alex Mena ... 11-4
4. Matthew Mariam ... 10-5
4. Adam Roy ... 10-5
4. Zack Klein ... 10-5
4. Gedeon Mariam ... 10-5
8. George Smith ... 9-6
8. Dan Sinclair ... 9-6
8. Karl Vaillancourt ... 9-6
11. Bill Denton ... 8-7
11. Dave Labowitz ... 8-7
11. Josh Money ... 8-7
11. Sandy Kory ... 8-7
15. Joey Bansen ... 7-8
15. John Weaver ... 7-8

As for the Current Overall Standings (COS), we have a single leader this week for the first time in a few weeks. Much like a kid on a trampoline, Bill Denton vaulted himself over everyone and has taken a one game lead over Gedeon Mariam, Joey Bansen, and Jon Stover. Dave Labowitz is right there too at two games back with John Weaver and Dan Sinclair three and four games back respectively.

After that you're gonna need some binoculars to see the front of the line. If you have any hopes of finishing in the money you're gonna need to start stringing some great weeks together. In all likelihood, it's probably time to start throwing poop at the wall and hoping some of it sticks and maybe you can win some weeks. Personally, my goal is to get the hell out of last place, which I have occupied every damn week since the start of the season. My brother is within striking distance, but after that the pickings get slimmer. So, Sandy, I'm gunning for you. This should not scare you.

Here are the COS through Week 10:

1. Bill Denton ... 100-44
2. Gedeon Mariam ... 99-45
2. Joey Bansen ... 99-45
2. Jon Stover ... 99-45
5. Dave Labowitz ... 98-46
6. John Weaver ... 97-47
7. Dan Sinclair ... 96-48
8. Adam Roy ... 93-51
9. Matthew Mariam ... 92-52
9. George Smith ... 92-52
11. Josh Money ... 91-53
11. Zack Klein ... 91-53
13. Karl Vaillancourt ... 90-54
13. Alex Mena ... 90-54
15. Sandy Kory ... 85-59
16. Matthew Kory ... 84-60

We've got another wonderful Thursday night game coming this week, so I'll need all your picks by then. You should get used to this. It's all part of the NFL's plan to put games on each night of the week but to do it over a three decade period so we'll all think each one is special.

Back later with the schedule for Week 11.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Week 10: Update (For Reeels This Time)

After twelve more games we've managed to narrow the field a bit. No more fourteen-way tie. We've narrowed the field to three, in fact. Jon Stover, Alex Mena, and (Holy @%*#&$!!) yours truly all currently lead the field with 10 wins. We have four more with nine wins, but nobody was dumb enough to pick Cleveland over Baltimore in the pool(poop!). That means that Week 10 comes down to Monday Night Points! Yay! Arbitrary tie-breaker!

Fortunately, there will be no tie this week because we all picked different MNPs. I picked 17, Alex nabbed 31 and Jon chose 37. As you will recall, the winner is the closest to the total score without going over (remember to spay and neuter your pets!).

Here's the breakdown:

  • If the final score totals between 0 and 30 points, I win, suckas!
  • If the final score totals between 31 and 36 points, Alex Mena wins.
  • If the final score totals 37 points or more, Jon Stover wins. (BOOOOOOO!)

Remember, folks, we've got yet another delicious Thursday night game coming up, so be prepared to send your picks in early this week.

Best of luck to me tonight. I'll be back tomorrow morning with the winner and the final standings for Week 10, as well as the Current Overall Standings update. I know you can't wait, but try to keep your breakfast down this time, eh?

Friday, November 13, 2009

Week 10: Pre-Update

One person picked Chicago and I'm missing picks from one other person. So, after one game, we've got a fourteen-way tie for first place. Gotta love Thursday night games.

In the words of Bill Denton, "Thursday games eat poo." Well said, sir. Well said indeed.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Week 10: Schedule

Here is the schedule for Week 10. Remember, this week begins in TWO DAYS, this Thursday night. I'll need all of your picks in by this Thursday, November 12, 8:19pm EST.

Chicago at San Francisco
Atlanta at Carolina
Tampa Bay at Miami
Detroit at Minnesota
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
Buffalo at Tennessee
Denver at Washington
New Orleans at St. Louis
Jacksonville at New York Jets
Kansas City at Oakland
Seattle at Arizona
Dallas at Green Bay
Philadelphia at San Diego
New England at Indianapolis
Baltimore at Cleveland (total points)

Week 9: Results

Week 9 came down to the Monday Night game. If Pittsburgh won, so did Bill Denton. Zack Klein tied his proverbial boat to the Denver Broncos. As you may know, the game was close into the third quarter, but then Pittsburgh turned it on and pulled away. That makes Bill Denton this week's Big Weiner! Bill, you win a goat eating a t-shirt that says "eat more goat". It's in the mail now, so I suggest you buy some straw.

We're starting to see some real stratification in the standings. First, the final standings for Week 9:

1. Bill Denton ... 10-3
2. Zack Klein ... 9-4
2. Dave Labowitz ... 9-4
2. Joey Bansen ... 9-4
5. John Weaver ... 8-5
5. Matthew Mariam ... 8-5
5. Gedeon Mariam ... 8-5
5. George Smith ... 8-5
9. Jon Stover ... 7-6
9. Dan Sinclair ... 7-6
9. Josh Money ... 7-6
12. Matthew Kory ... 6-7
12. Adam Roy ... 6-7
14. Alex Mena ... 5-8
14. Sandy Kory ... 5-8
14. Karl Vaillancourt ... 5-8

The Current Overall Standings (COS) are getting interesting. The top seven people are all within five games of each other. Gedeon has fallen off the pace a little bit but a few good weeks could put him right back up at the top. Dan Sinclair and Jon Stover are both within shouting distance and a few good weeks could move them up as well. John Weaver and Dave Labowitz have been hanging around at the top for a while. It's shaping up to be an interesting final 8 weeks.

1. Bill Denton ... 92-37
1. Joey Bansen ... 92-37
3. Dave Labowitz ... 90-39
3. John Weaver ... 90-39
5. Gedeon Mariam ... 89-40
6. Jon Stover ... 88-41
7. Dan Sinclair ... 87-42
8. George Smith ... 83-46
8. Josh Money ... 83-46
8. Adam Roy ... 83-46
11. Matthew Mariam ... 82-47
12. Zack Klein ... 81-48
12. Karl Vaillancourt ... 81-48
14. Alex Mena ... 79-50
15. Sandy ... 77-52
16. Matthew Kory ... 73-56

An important note: in its infinite wisdom, the NFL will now be playing games on Thursday nights pretty much from here on in. That means that you, the participants in this wonderful pool(poop!) must send in your picks, all of your picks, by that point. I'm sorry, I know many of you like to wait until the last minute to get your picks in, but as long as there are Thursday night games, the lat minute is going to be 8:19pm EST on Thursday.

I'll have the schedule for this week up momentarily... Have a good week, everyone.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Unofficial Update: Week 9

Two with 9 wins so far: Bill Denton and Zack Klein.

No MNP tonight. Bill picked Pittsburgh, Zack picked Denver. May the best man win.

More later...

Friday, November 06, 2009

Out To Lunch

I'll be out of town this weekend. I may have internet access where I'm going, but I may not. I hope to have an update up on Monday morning and the standings and weekly results on Tuesday morning, but in case I don't, it should be up soon after.


Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Week 9: Schedule

Here is the schedule for Week 9. The week begins on Sunday, November 8th at 1pm, EST. Please have your picks to me by that time. Thanks, and have a great week.

Baltimore at Cincinnati
Miami at New England
Kansas City at Jacksonville
Green Bay at Tampa Bay
Washington at Atlanta
Arizona at Chicago
Houston at Indianapolis
Carolina at New Orleans
Detroit at Seattle
Tennessee at San Francisco
San Diego at New York "Gallop'n Granny" Giants
Dallas at Philadelphia
Pittsburgh at Denver (plus total points)

Week 8: Results

First, a quick story.

I posted my picks in the comments section of the Week 8 schedule on Friday as I usually do. The next morning, I read that Vince Young would be QBing the Titans against Jacksonville. "With Crazy Vince at the helm, no way Tennessee wins this week," I thought. I go back to change my post. Instead of writing a second comment below the first and potentially confusing people, I just deleted my original comment with my picks in it, and cut and pasted the schedule again, but this time with Jacksonville instead of Tennessee as my pick. However, in that second comment I neglected to pick the Jets/Miami game. I had previously picked Miami, but because I had forgotten to note that in my new picks, I had to take the loss.

So, to recap, I posted my picks, went back to make a change and cost myself two wins in the process. This just isn't my year.

If you checked the update yesterday, you know that the week came down to three people, each with 10 wins: Dave Labowitz who picked 48 points, and Matthew Mariam and Jon Stover who both picked 51 points. Everyone in the entire pool(poop!) picked New Orleans so that was no tie breaker.

New Orleans won last night, 35-27, for a total of 62 Monday Night Points, meaning Jon Stover and Matthew Mariam are this week's winners! Congratulations to you both. You are going to split this week's prize which is a bag of last week's dirty baby diapers! Yay! I've taken the liberty of setting them on fire and placing them outside your respective abodes. Enjoy!

No, sadly, you both will share the Weekly Standard Prize. Congratulations to you both. (Jon, email me the address you want your check to go to.)

Here are the final standings for Week 8:

1. Jon Stover ... 10-3
1. Matthew Mariam ... 10-3
1. Dave "Tough Luck" Labowitz ... 10-3
4. Joey "Hang'n Tough" Bansen ... 9-4
4. John Weaver ... 9-4
4. Dan Sinclair ... 9-4
7. Zack Klein ... 8-5
7. Adam Roy ... 8-5
7. Karl Vaillancourt ... 8-5
7. Sandy Kory ... 8-5
7. Bill Denton ... 8-5
7. Alex Mena ... 8-5
13. Gedeon Mariam ... 7-6
13. Josh Money ... 7-6
13. Matthew "Not Last Place (this week)" Kory ... 7-6
16. George Smith ... 6-7

And here are the Current Overall Standings through Week 8:

1. Joey Bansen ... 83-33
2. John Weaver ... 82-34
2. Bill Denton ... 82-34
4. Dave Labowitz ... 81-35
4. Gedeon Mariam ... 81-35
4. Jon Stover ... 81-35
7. Dan Sinclair ... 80-36
8. Adam Roy ... 77-39
9. Karl Vaillancourt ... 76-40
9. Josh Money ... 76-40
11. George Smith ... 75-41
12. Matthew Mariam ... 74-42
12. Alex Mena ... 74-42
14. Zack Klein ... 72-44
14. Sandy Kory ... 72-44
16. Me ... 67-49

Back later with the schedule for Week 9...

Sunday, November 01, 2009

Week 8: Update

Happy update, everyone. A quickie here this morning. First of all, and not to go all Peter King on you here, but if you ever make it out to Portland, Oregon you gotta get yourself some Stumptown Coffee. This stuff is the best. In fact it's so good that Peter King probably wouldn't even like it. How's that for an endorsement? I'm enjoying a cup right now from a bag imported to Philly. Good stuff. Nothing goes with crying babies like good coffee...

To the pool(poop!)!

This week we've got three people tied for first place with 9 wins: Matthew Mariam, Jon Stover, and Dave Labowitz. Everyone in the entire pool(poop!) picked New Orleans to win tonight, so that ain't gonna change anything. That means... MONDAY NIGHT POINTS!! You know the drill by now (closest without going over wins, unless everyone goes over then it's just the closest):

Dave Labowitz picked 48 points
Matthew Mariam picked 51 points
Jon Stover picked 51 points
(Jon Stover and Matthew Mariam are going to get married! Because they picked the same amount of points!)

So if the total score of tonight's game adds up to 50 points or less, Dave Labowitz will win the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP). If the score is 51 or more, Jon Stover and Matthew Mariam will win and split the WSP.

I'll be back tomorrow with the winner and final standings for Week 8 and an update on the Current Overall Standings (COS). Good luck to none of you!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Week 8: Schedule

Here's the schedule for Week 8, which begins on Sunday, November 1st at 1pm EST. I'll need all of your picks by then.

Seattle at Dallas
St. Louis at Detroit
Miami at New York Jets
San Francisco at Indianapolis
Cleveland at Chicago
Denver at Baltimore
New York "Lactose Intolerant" Giants at Philadelphia
Houston at Buffalo
Jacksonville at Tennessee
Oakland at San Diego
Minnesota at Green Bay
Carolina at Arizona
Atlanta at New Orleans (plus total points)

Week 7: Results

Last night I was privileged to spend my evening imbibing with three friends, two of whom, George Smith and Jon Stover, are in the Pool(poop!), and the third, Joshu Shih, who usually is, but elected to spend his time wisely instead.

After several beers, George imparted a story about working with a well known Ben Franklin impersonator here in Philadelphia who refuses to break character unless he's leaving swear-filled rants demanding money for pro bono work on George's answering machine. Its a wonderful story and if you ever see George in a bar by himself (not an unlikely event) in your neck of the woods, pull up a stool, buy the man a beer, and put in a request. It'll be money well spent, I can promise you that. In the meantime, know that if you ever come to Philadelphia and you see a man dressed as Ben Franklin wondering around smiling at people and tugging on his bifocals, do not, under any circumstances, call the man "Ralph" unless you want to tell your friends back at home where ever you live that you got your ass kicked by Ben Franklin.

So what does that have to do with the pool(poop!)? Nothing! I just love that I can force you to read whatever I want. Which reminds me, have I ever told you about Lyndon LaRouche? You really should know about how the government taints the cheese supply with [***edited by blogger********************************************************************************************************]
You'd never think goats could hide huge bags of cocaine there, but apparently they can. Anyway, a little bit off track there, sorry.

TO THE POOL(poop!)!

If you read the updates I post every Monday (GEORGE!) you might recall yesterday I stated in plain English that Bill would win this week's WSP. Well, it has so come to pass! And it's the only damn thing I've predicted correctly this week...

Bil and Joey are the leaders this week with 11 wins, so it comes down to both of them. But because Joey did a triathlon before sending in his picks this week (seriously), he was a bit out of it and forgot to include his Monday Night Points. He did remember to send them in eventually, but sadly for him, it was too late. Sorry, Joey. Congrats on the triathlon, though. Although even if the points hadn't been late Joey would have been over anyway. All of this means...


Bill wins an official Snakes On A Plane coloring book featuring many black and white images of Samuel L. Jackson swearing at large reptiles! Perfect for the little ones!

No, sadly, Bill wins the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) of $70, which he'll surely spend on Bud. Bill, buy some decent beer, eh?

Here are the final standings for Week 7:

1. Bill Denton ... 11-2
1. Joey Bansen ... 11-2
3. Alex Mena ... 10-3
3. Sandy Kory ... 10-3
3. Jon Stover ... 10-3
3. Dave Labowitz ... 10-3
3. Josh Money ... 10-3
3. John Weaver ... 10-3
3. Karl Vaillancourt ... 10-3
3. Dan Sinclair ... 10-3
3. George Smith ... 10-3
3. Zack Klein ... 10-3
13. Gedeon Mariam ... 9-4
13. Matthew Mariam ... 9-4
13. Adam Roy ... 9-4
13. Matthew Kory ... 9-4

All of which leaves the Current Overall Standings (COS) looking thusly:

1. Gedeon Mariam ... 74-29
1. Joey Bansen ... 74-29
1. Bill Denton ... 74-29
4. John Weaver ... 73-30
5. Jon Stover ... 71-32
5. Dan Sinclair ... 71-32
5. Dave Labowitz ... 71-32
8. Adam Roy ... 69 (huh huh huh)-34
8. George Smith ... 69-34
8. Josh Money ... 69-34
11. Karl Vaillancourt ... 68-35
12. Alex Mena ... 66-37
13. Zack Klein ... 64-39
13. Sandy Kory ... 64-39
13. Matthew Mariam ... 64-39
16. Matthew Kory ... 60-43

When you finish last every week it stands to reason you'd be last over all.

Lastly, I had a request last night to include a statistical breakdown of the winners so far. I don't have time to do it now, but I'll try to put it up before the week is out, so check back and hopefully I'll get to it.

The schedule for Week 8 will be up shortly. Have a great week, folks.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Week 7: Update: Don't Worry, I Still Suck

Last night I spoke with pool(poop!) participant Bill Denton on the phone. We had a nice gentlemanly conversation wherein he accused me of having sex with furniture and I countered by claiming that it was consensual. (It wasn't! Shhhh!)

Of course we also discussed the pool(poop!)! and the fact that Bill is one of the people who is in the running for the WSP this week. I claimed that he was a shoe-in to win this week for reasons I'll get to. Bill claimed that even if it seemed so, his typically abominable luck would do him in. Ever known someone who could get hit with a piano while standing in the middle of a cornfield? Bill's your man. Will Bill's luck hold out, or will the WSP slip through his chicken-stained (?) fingers yet again? Tune in right now to find out!!

To the update!

There was consensus on many games this week. Everyone picked the Charges, Patriots, Colts, and Jets to win. Only one person picked against the Saints, Texans, and Packers. So there's a lot of parity this week.

Heck, even yours truly is 8-4, which gives you the lower bounds of performance this week. The upper bound is ten wins, which four people have. We'll get to the weekly standings tomorrow, but for now things look like this:

10 Wins: Bill Denton, Joey Bansen, Alex Mena, and Sandy Kory
Picked Philly to win tonight: Bill & Joey
Picked Washington to win tonight and should see a doctor immediately: Sandy & Alex

If Philly wins tonight, Bill wins the pool because Joey did not send in his Monday Night Points on time. Sorry Joey. I wish I could accept the points, but it just ain't fair to the other kids.

If Washington wins tonight, well, I'll shit a brick. Then I'll put on my "Brad Johnson" jersey, the one with the duct tape over "Johnson" on the back, and run around my neighborhood until I'm beaten within inches of my life, or for a minute, which ever happens first. But if a whole in the earth swallows the Eagles and the Redskins win, then the total point breakdown looks thusly:

Sandy: 30 points
Alex: 31 points

So, if DC wins tonight and if the total score is 0-30, Sandy will win the WSP. If DC wins and the total score is 31 or above, Alex will win.

But neither of you peeps has a chance cause there isn't a chance in hell that the Redskins... HEY!! WATCH OUT!!! PIANO!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!

Back tomorrow with the final standings for the week, the Current Overall Standings (COS) and a bunch of other garbage you'll probably just skip over.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Schedule: Week 7

Here is the schedule for Week 7. It begins at 1pm EST on Sunday, October 25th, so I'll need all of your picks by then.

Indianapolis at St. Louis
New England at Tampa Bay
Green Bay at Cleveland
Minnesota at Pittsburgh
San Francisco at Houston
San Diego at Kansas City
Buffalo at Carolina
New York Jets at Oakland
Atlanta at Dallas
New Orleans at Miami
Chicago at Cincinnati
Arizona at New York "PB&J" Giants
Philadelphia at Washington (plus total points)

Week 6: Results

Wow I suck.

And how bout them Phillies last night?

So, the pool(poop!), huh? Yeah, I'm mired in last place. I can't pick a game to save my life. I could guarantee a win and probably I'd be killed. Oh, you don't care? Only want to hear about yourself?


So, you may recall from my Update yesterday that if Denver won, a virtual certainty considering I picked San Diego, the WSP would come down to MNP (shocker) which went something like this:

If the total score is 37 or below, Dave Labowitz wins
Bill Denton has no chance in hell
If the total score is 41 or over, Joey Bansen wins

Denver won (duh) and the total score added up to 57 points, which is larger than a breadbox and more than 41, so Joey Bansen is this week's winner!

This week's prize is an all expenses paid trip to Joey Bansen's apartment! Stay in Joey's bed, eat Joey's food, drink all of Joey's beer and puke in Joey's toilet! Inappropriately touch Joey's dog Mr. Bojangles, and wake in the night to mistakenly urinate in Joey's closet! Oh the fun you'll have. (Offer not valid if you already live there.)

Alright, fine, that's not the prize. Its the normal everyday run-of-the-mill, seen one ya seen 'em all WSP. Enjoy, and congrats.

Joey now ties Gedeon Mariam for the lead in total money with $140.

A couple interesting points about Week 6:

  • The Call of The Week goes to Adam for picking (possibly mistakenly) Oakland to beat Philly
  • The only game that everyone missed was Buffalo beating the Jets.

Here's the final standings for Week 6:

1. Joey "First Place" Bansen ... 10-4
1. Bill "No Chance In Hell" Denton ... 10-4
1. Dave "Hymietown" Labowitz ... 10-4
4. John "Hold On To Your Red Snapper" Weaver ... 9-5
4. Dan Sinclair ... 9-5
4. Sandy "Sent In His Picks!!! [balloons fall from ceiling]" Kory .. 9-5
7. George "Drink'n Me Under The Table" Smith ... 8-6
7. Gedeon "Fall'n Like A Rock Off A Cliff" Mariam ... 8-6
7. Jon "And Associates" Stover ... 8-6
7. Josh Money ... 8-6
11. Karl "King Of Wilmington" Vaillancourt ... 7-7
11. Adam "Too... Much... Coffee... Must... Find... Toilet... Soon..." Roy ... 7-7
11. Matthew "Flipped A Coin" Mariam ... 7-7
14. Zack "Kindly Keep'n Me Company" Klein
14. Alex "Should Make A Film Out Of This" Mena
14. Matthew "What? No prize for last place?" Kory

And the Current Overall Standings (COS) without semi-clever nicknames:

1. Gedeon Mariam ... 65-25
2. Joey Bansen ... 63-27
2. John Weaver ... 63-27
2. Bill Denton ... 63-27
5. Jon Stover ... 61-29
5. Dave Labowitz ... 61-29
5. Dan Sinclair ... 61-29
8. Adam Roy ... 60-30
9. Josh Money ... 59-31
9. George Smith ... 59-31
11. Karl Vaillancourt ... 58-32
12. Alex Mena ... 56-34
13. Matthew Mariam ... 55-35
14. Zack Klein ... 54-36
14. Sandy Kory ... 54-36
16. Me ... *sigh* ... 51-39

So, congratulations again to Joey, and hope everyone has an enjoyable week. FU!

Week 7's schedule to come.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Week 6: Update

Happy f'n Monday to ya. This week I hope we all learned a valuable lesson: never ever ever ever ever pick the Washington Redskins to win a football game. Never never never ever. This is your brain, this is your brain after picking the Washington Redskins to win a football game. Any questions?

To the pool(poop!)!

Because Alex Mena and I both totally blow, we decided to team up this week. That's right folks, we've got you out numbered. Between my six wins and his five, we've got 11 which is four more than anyone else has. Yay! We win! We kicked y'all's arse!

... Wait... I'm hearing I can't do that. Damn! I don't remember making up that rule... well poop.

You'll find that this week's update is entirely different and far more confusing than last week when we were all taken out to the woodshed by John Weaver. That is proverbially speaking of course, as John is a good and decent citizen of this country who would never, ever take anything out to the woodshed. Except wood. And that guy who said that thing in high school. And that hot chick. But that was purely consensual. His lawyers swear.

This week we've got three people with nine wins so far. But, those peeps, Bill Denton, Joey Bansen, and Dave "Dollars" Labowitz, all picked Denver to win tonight. If Denver wins, it'll come down to those three peeps, but if not, Gedeon Mariam, George Smith, and Josh Money will all be there to pick up the slack. All of them have eight wins and picked San Diego to win tonight. (Full disclosure: I also picked San Diego to win so San Diego has no chance to win.)

So here's the duel break down. Prepare yourself for some serious breaking down... well that didn't come out right. Moving on.

If Denver wins, the point break down is as follows:

Dave - 35 - wins if total score is 37 or below
Bill - 38 - wins if total score is exactly 38, 39, or 40 (you're f'd Bill)
Joey - 41 - wins if total score is 41 or over

Remember folks, you can still win the pool if you lose the Monday Night game. So, if San Diego wins (won't happen) we've got six people in the running. Here's the point break down:

Dave - 35 - wins if total is between 0 and 37
Bill - 38 - never wins no matter what. if points total 38, 39, or 40, splits WSP with Josh.
Josh - 38 - see "Bill"
Joey - 41 - never wins no matter what. if points are between 41 and 55, splits WSP with George.
George - 41 - see "Joey"
Gedeon - 56 - if points total 56 or more, wins again, buys expensive house in the Hamptons, employs half the state as butlers.

You people are some seriously uncreative point pickers.* I tried to come up with a second tie-breaker, but nooooooooooooooooooooo idontwantitidontwantitnonononononononitsnotfairitsnotfairjonstovereatspoopjonstovereatspoopwaaaahhhhh!!!!

Good luck, happy Monday, and I'll be back tomorrow with the Week 6 results and the schedule for Week 7.
*I, also, picked 41.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Week 6: Schedule

Week 6 begins this Sunday, at 1pm EST so, of course, I'll need your picks by then. Here's the schedule:

Houston at Cincinnati
Detroit at Green Bay
St. Louis at Jacksonville
Baltimore at Minnesota
NY "Metrosexual" Giants at New Orleans
Cleveland at Pittsburgh
Carolina at Tampa Bay
Kansas City at Washington
Philadelphia at Oakland
Arizona at Seattle
Tennessee at New England
Buffalo at NY Jets
Chicago at Atlanta
Denver at San Diego (total points)

Week 5: Results

Week 5 is in the books, and as I said yesterday, we all got thoroughly dominated by one man. Who is that (masked? pantless?) man?

I'm going to make you wait a few more seconds for the answer. First a note. Last week my brother failed to send in his picks. That's always been a tough thing for me to handle. You want to balance kindness - sometimes for whatever reason it's hard to get your picks in on time - to the individual with understanding for the others in the pool(poop!) who did send their picks in on time. The thing is though, $125 is real money. It's not thousands of dollars, and most of us come out only a few dollars up or down over the course of the year, but I don't pretend that it isn't important.

So, when someone is late with their picks or doesn't send them in at all, I've tried a bunch of different tactics to penalize them without ruining their whole season in one foul swoop. One year I tried automatically giving that person the favorites. And one person actually won a week that way, which made me re-think that rule, as well as spawning the "you can't win a week if you don't turn in your picks" rule. One year I tried just giving the home teams automatically. But again, depending on the week by not turning in your picks you can end up with a better record than someone who didt turn in their picks. Not fair, says I.

Which, two paragraphs in, brings me to my point. This year I've been giving the worst record accumulated that week to people who fail to get their picks in on time. Last week my brother forgot to send in his picks. But the worst record was 9-5, so my brother got a 9-5 record. Whew, he dodged a bullet there. Better get your head out of your butt and recognize.

So, this week, again, my brother didn't turn in his picks. He called just after wards to apologize, but it was too late. So this time I didn't want to leave it up to chance. He gots ta pay. So I took it upon myself to make sure he got a much worse record this week.

This all by way of saying when you are looking at the weekly standings and you see me at the very bottom, you can know that I did it for you. For you. For you...

So, to this week's Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) winner... John Weaver! You win a red snapper!

OK, Weaver, listen carefully! You can hold on to your red snapper, or you can go for whats in the box that Hiro-san is bringing down the isle right now!

Uh... I'll take whats in the box! I'll take the box!

You'll take the box... OK, now let's see what's in the box...[top of box is removed]... Nothing! Nothing! Absolutely nothing! ... STUPID! YOU SO STUPID!!!

Final standings for Week 5:

1. John Weaver ... 11-3
2. Jon Stover ... 10-4 (How's that Tennessee pick looking now, Jon? You'd have won by MNP.)
2. Joey Bansen ... 10-4
2. Dan Sinclair ... 10-4
5. Karl Vaillancourt ... 9-5
5. Josh Money ... 9-5
5. Bill Denton ... 9-5
5. Matthew Mariam ... 9-5
5. Dave Labowitz ... 9-5
5. Adam Roy ... 9-5 (Last week you bet on the Redskins, huh?)
5. Gedeon Mariam ... 9-5
5. George Smith ... 9-5
13. Alex Mena ... 8-6
14. Zack Klein ... 7-7
15. Sandy Kory ... 6-8
15. Matt Kory ... 6-8 (You're welcome)

Current Overall Standings (COS):

1. Gedeon Mariam ... 57-19
2. John Weaver ... 54-22
3. Adam Roy ... 53-23
3. Jon Stover ... 53-23
3. Joey Bansen ... 53-23
3. Bill Denton ... 53-23
7. Dan Sinclair ... 52-24
8. George Smith ... 51-25
8. Karl Vaillancourt ... 51-25
8. Josh Money ... 51-25
8. Dave Labowitz ... 51-25
12. Alex Mena ... 50-26
13. Zack Klein ... 48-28
13. Matthew Mariam ... 48-28
15. Sandy Kory ... 45-31
15. Matt Kory ... 45-31 (Don't come down to my hood and try pushin. I'll make you taste tha pain, son.)

Week 6 will begin at 1pm EST this Sunday afternoon. Have a great week, peeps, and congratulations to John Weaver. Week 6 schedule up shortly...

Monday, October 12, 2009

Week 5: Update: Now with More Numbers!

So I was going through the picks and I came across someone who picked St. Louis to beat Minnesota. To quote a great American, what an ultra maroon! I mean, really, are you just trying to lose? Does finishing in last place sound like fun? Seriously, what kind of idiot... ...what? It was me? Oh, right. Shit.

All you f'ers don't have a shot at last place. It's mine, you hear me? Mine! Get back in there! Down down down! Go go go! Mine mine mine! You can't compete with stupidity like... enough? OK, moving on.

We'll get to the pool update in a minute, but I thought it might be interesting to hear how everyone picked this week's games. Let me know in the comments section if you find crap like this interesting and maybe I'll keep doing it (bolded = winner).

100% Correct (Nobody picked these games incorrectly (even me))
*Pittsburgh at Detroit
*Dallas at Kansas City
*Oakland at NY "Titillating" Giants
*Tampa at Philadelphia

93% Correct (Only one idiot blew this one... guess who)
*Minnesota at St. Louis

87% Correct (You're trying too hard if you missed either of these)
*Washington at Carolina
*Indianapolis at Tennessee

73% Correct
*Houston at Arizona

60% Correct
Atlanta at San Francisco

47% Correct
Jacksonville at Seattle

27% Correct
New England at Denver

7% Correct (If you got this one, you're an rocket f'n scientist)
*Cincinnati at Baltimore

0% Correct (Not one of us houseplants got this one right)
*Cleveland at Buffalo

Usually in the weekly update I tell you that eight people are tied and it's going to come down to Monday Night Points (MNP). No such excitement this week, folks. Nope, we've already got a winner and ain't none of you is gonna catch him.

Who is he? Who is this masked man who swoops in before the Monday Night Game, steals the WSP, makes out with your wife, kisses your cat on the lips, leaves the orange juice open on the counter after drinking out of the container, and then busts through the window on his way out even though the door works perfectly well?

Tune in tomorrow to find out...

Tuesday, October 06, 2009

Week 5: Schedule

Here is the schedule for Week 5. Remember, I need all your picks by 1pm EST this Sunday, otherwise yr royally F'd.

Pittsburgh at Detroit
Washington at Carolina
Cleveland at Buffalo
Cincinnati at Baltimore
Dallas at Kansas City
Oakland at NY "Love to Love" Giants
Tampa at Philadelphia
Minnesota at St. Louis
Atlanta at San Francisco
Houston at Arizona
New England at Denver
Jacksonville at Seattle
Indianapolis at Tennessee
NY Jets at Miami (plus total points)

Have a great week.

Week 4: Results

Another week in the books, folks. As they say over at ye olde anal farm, "Ewww... no WAY I'm cleaning that up."

It was an action packed Monday Night game as we had five people vying for the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP). The action turned on lots of exciting plays. Like that time the Vikings guy had the ball and he scored. Whoo! Or that time the other guy had the ball and he did that thing and then he went to the place. Amazing! If I hadn't been sleeping at the time I could probably provide more details, but no matter. I awoke certain that the Packers had won and I had won my first week. Alas, no. Have I mentioned I suck in other areas of life as well?

But back to the pool(poop!). This week did turn out to be momentous in the long and storied history of MTAFP(p!), which was actually started by George Washington in 1803, four years after his death. (In his defense, being dead is probably pretty boring.) It was the very first time in over 200 years of football pools (the first ~125 years of which featured no actual football) that there was a tie.

Yes, a tie. Even the NHL abolished ties a few years back, I know, and honestly I tried to come up with other tie-breakers, but neither participant would submit to the naked full-body cavity searches necessary. So, a tie is what we've got. Which means that Josh Money and Adam Roy will split a WSP, which actually makes it Half A Weekly Standard Prize (HAWSP).

Unfortunately, this week's winner receives a blowjob from Haroldette, the she-male. I have no idea how you two are going to split this one up. Have fun though.

But on the bright side, peeps, at least Gedeon Mariam didn't win, eh?

Here are the final standings for Week 4:

1. Adam Roy...12-2
1. Josh Money...12-2
1. Bill Denton...12-2
1. Gedeon Mariam...12-2 (Ha ha! You didn't win, Gedeon! HA HA YOU SUCK!!)
5. DAMMIT!!!...11-3
5. Dave Labowitz...11-3
5. John Weaver...11-3
5. Karl Vaillancourt...11-3
5. Alex Mena...11-3
5. Joey Bansen...11-3
5. Jon Stover...11-3
12. Zack Klein...10-4
12. Dan Sinclair...10-4
14. George Smith...9-5
14. Matthew Mariam...9-5
14. Sandy Kory...9-5

And the Current Overall Standings (COS):

1. Gedeon Mariam ... 48-14 (For the record, that's a 77% winning percentage, 12% higher than last pool's winner. The kids call it "kicking ass".)
2. Adam Roy ... 44-18
2. Bill Denton ... 44-18
4. John Weaver ... 43-19
4. Joey Bansen ... 43-19
4. Jon Stover ... 43-19
7. Alex Mena ... 42-20
7. Josh Money ... 42-20
7. Karl Vaillancourt ... 42-20
7. George Smith ... 42-20
7. Dan Sinclair ... 42-20
7. Dave Labowitz ... 42-20
13. Zack Klein ... 41-21
14. Matthew Mariam ... 39-23
14. Sandy Kory ... 39-23
14. MEDAMMIT ... 39-23 (The kids call this "getting your ass kicked".)

Week 5 will begin at the normal time, 1PM EST this Sunday. Don't forget, peeps, I need all of your picks in by that time to be eligible for the WSP. If your picks are late, you're going to automatically get the worst record posted that week. So, don't forget. Put a reminder in your iPhone, your BlackBerry, or what ever you use to remind yourself of things. I don't mean to be a dick about it, but there is real money at stake here, and the vast majority of it isn't mine.

Week 5 schedule to come. Have a great week, and congrats to Adam and Josh.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Week 4: Update

Several items to discuss here.


2) Jon Stover would want me to also point out that HOLY CRAP THE BILLS SUCK!! (You're welcome, Jon.)

3) Lots of wins. With lots of favorites pulling it out, we had lots of wins for everyone this week. Yay. You should all feel super proud of yourselves. Except for my brother, who should be ashamed - ASHAMED - about what he did to that... well, lets just say it involved a chipmunk, a bowl of Cherry Garcia ice cream, and a cheap comedic devise.

So, the pool(poop!).

As of now, before the Monday Night game, there are five players tied with 11 wins. Four of those players picked Minnesota to win. Which means, if Minnesota wins, MONDAY NIGHT POINTS(MNP)!! The MNP distribution is definitely an odd one, as you shall see in a moment. If Minnesota wins, and the total score of the game is...

...between 0-42, Gedeon Mariam, who picked 42, will win
...43 or 44, Bill Denton, who picked 43, will win
...and if the score is 45 or above, Adam Roy and Josh Money will split the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) because both of them chose the same total points of 45 and I'm not making up a new tie-breaker.

Of course, all of that can be avoided if Green Bay wins, which will give the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) to...




[keep scrolling]


alright, fine.

... [psych!]

ME! That's right me, your friendly neighborhood bottom-of-the-pool(poop!)-dweller. So, in other words, don't worry about it because Minnesota will win.


Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Week 4: Schedule

Here is your schedule for Week 4. Please, if you aren't already doing so, can you send me your winners in the order that I post them here? It makes it oh so much easier for me. Many thanks, ho bags. Many thanks.

Detroit at Chicago

Seattle at Indianapolis

Tennessee at Jacksonville

NY “Table Top” Giants at Kansas City

Tampa Bay at Washington

Baltimore at New England

Oakland at Houston

Cincinnati at Cleveland

Buffalo at Miami

NY Jets at New Orleans

Dallas at Denver

St. Louis at San Francisco

San Diego at Pittsburgh

Green Bay at Minnesota (plus total points)

The first game fires up at 1pm EST this Sunday, so I'll need all your picks including your MNP by then. Have a great week.

Week 3: Results

Holy poop on a stick, peeps, it's Tuesday morning and here I am in my apartment having sworn off coffee for a week to my wife. [front door closes....five minutes pass] Now that I've got my coffee, I'm ready to talk some football, dammit!

Quite the eventful week here at MTAFP(p!)!HQ. I managed to cash in a few favors for the wife and head down to the New Wave in South Philly to watch the Redskins game. Actually watched the debacle unfold next to five other Skins fans...*sigh*... But hey, at least the Redskins next opponent is Tampa, who isn't any better than Detroit (or Washington for that matter). Should be interesting to see who everyone picks in that game. Kinda reminds me of the South Park episode where the school has to pick a new mascot and the choices are Turd Sandwich or Giant Douche.

But you all didn't come here to read about my sad sad sad sad life. No, it's pool(poop) time, baby.

To the Pool(poop!)! Poop!

As you may remember from yesterday's update, we had a three horse race between Dan Sinclair, Gedeon Mariam, and Adam Roy. This was the breakdown of MNP:

If the score is...
... 34 or less, everyone will be over, but Gedeon will be the closest, so he'll win.
... between 35 and 44, Gedeon will win.
... between 45 and 53, Adam will win.
... 54 or over, Dan will win.

The final score of the Dallas/Carolina game was Dallas 21, Carolina 7. As 28 is less than 35, everyone went over, which means the one with the closest prediction wins, and as that happens to be Gedeon! Again! Shit!

So, congratulations, Gedeon, on your second win in three f'n weeks! You bastard! This week's prize is a live baby, delivered directly to your house via FedEx (please allow 2-3 weeks for delivery)! Enjoy your baby, Gedeon, and if anyone asks where you got it, you tell 'em you won it in Matty's Third Annual Football Pool (poop!)! Though I wouldn't put that on your taxes...

No, sadly, Gedeon wins the Weekly Standard Prize! of $70. It should be just enough to convert into small bills and smack his brother in the face with for picking Cleveland over Denver last week.

Here are the final standings for Week 3:

1. Gedeon Mariam...12-4
1. Adam Roy...12-4
1. Dan Sinclair...12-4
4. Josh Money...11-5
4. Bill Denton...11-5
4. Joey Bansen...11-5
4. Sandy Kory...11-5
4. Dave Labowitz...11-5
4. Karl Vaillancourt...11-5
4. John Weaver...11-5
4. George Smith...11-5
12. Zack Klein...10-6
12. Jon Stover...10-6
14. ME Goddammit!...9-7
14. Matthew Mariam...9-7
16. Alex Mena...8-8

And here are the Current Overall Standings (COS):

1. Gedeon Mariam...36-12
2. George Smith...33-15
3. Dan Sinclair...32-16
3. John Weaver...32-16
3. Adam Roy...32-16
3. Bill Denton...32-16
3. Joey Bansen...32-16
3. Jon Stover...32-16
9. Zack Klein...31-17
9. Karl Vaillancourt...31-17
9. Dave Labowitz...31-17
9. Alex Mena...31-17
13. Sandy Kory...30-18
13. Matthew Mariam...30-18
13. Josh Money...30-18
16. At Least You Know I'm Not Cheating...28-20

You may notice two things besides the fact that you aren't winning (unless you are in the process of changing your name to Gedeon). Gedeon is kicking the shit out of all of us. A three game lead over the whole pack after three weeks? I'm not sure I've ever seen that before in the pool(poop!). Also, you'll see that I'm bringing up the rear two games behind everyone, and a full eight games behind Gedeon. Oh. My. God. I suck. My football team sucks. My fantasy football teams suck. I suck.

And with that, I leave you, good pool(poop!) participant to another fabulous week of life to enjoy. Just remember, don't lift your head too high above the cubicle wall, lest a large hand with a padded mallet descend from the ceiling and smack yo' ass back down.

Week 4 schedule to come shortly...

Monday, September 28, 2009

Week 3: Update

We're down to one more game here in Week 3 and as usual with Monday Night Football, we've got a good team against a crappy one. Meaning, just about everyone (ALEX?) picked Dallas to win tonight. And you know what that means! Say it with me now... Monday Night Points!

But I'm getting ahead of myself. So, with the aforementioned single game remaining, we've got a three way tie for first this week. Gedeon Mariam, Dan Sinclair, and Adam Roy all have 11 wins so far. John Weaver would have 11 too if he hadn't gone and picked Arizona to win last night. John, seriously, what were you thinking? Well, yeah, sure, I picked them too, but I'm an idiot.

So, enough babbling, let's get to it. Remember, the winner is the one who comes the closest without going over, unless of course, everyone goes over, then it's just the closest. Gedeon picked 35 MNP, Adam picked 45 MNP, and Dan picked 54, so here's how it breaks down for tonight's game.

If the score is...
... 34 or less, everyone will be over, but Gedeon will be the closest, so he'll win.
... between 35 and 44, Gedeon will win.
... between 45 and 53, Adam will win.
... 54 or over, Dan will win.

Best of luck, gentlemen.

And for those of you curious what I thought of my Redskins losing to the Lions yesterday (HOLY %#&@*#^$%), here it is. And yes, it does contain a few swear words.

Saturday, September 26, 2009


For those of you who miss my weekly columns wherein I make bold pronouncements about poop, no, the FCC has not silenced me. Around The NFL With Matty can now be found on TOOOAST!!!, a little website I write for along with a few other people, including Bill who you may also know as someone who has a better record in the pool than I do.

In anycase, you can find ATNFLWM and lots of other hilarious and insightful bullshit at (leave off the last 's' for savings!).


Thursday, September 24, 2009

Week 3: Schedule

Here is the schedule for Week 3 of moist 'n hot NFL action:

Washington at Detroit
Green Bay at St. Louis
San Francisco at Minnesota
Atlanta at New England
Tennessee at NY Jets
Kansas City at Philadelphia
NY Giants at Tampa Bay
Cleveland at Baltimore
Jacksonville at Houston
New Orleans at Buffalo
Chicago at Seattle
Miami at San Diego
Pittsburgh at Cincinnati
Denver at Oakland
Indianapolis at Arizona
Carolina at Dallas (plus total points)

Week 3 starts at 1pm EST this Sunday, so I'll need your picks and your MNP by then. Thanks, and have a great week.

Week 2: Results: Back From The Beach

Sorry for the delay in posting the results, people. I was locked in the bathroom by my cat and... well, not really. I was taken hostage by terrorists, and force fed bottle after bottle of expired Diet Shasta Ginger Ale (Still With No Actual Ginger!)... no, well, actually I took my kids to the beach for the first time. [pause for crying]. Yes, it was a magical and moist time, not unlike Week 2 of the NFL season! (greatest. segway. ever.)

So, if you'll recover from that AWESOME SEGWAY and recall that, once again, it came down to Monday Night Points (MNP) last week. Gedeon called 42 and Alex called 56, meaning if the score was 56 or over Alex won. If it was 55 or under, Gedeon won. Well this may not be news to some of you, but some of us have been ensconced Dawn Tha Showa (that's "down the shore") where there is no internet, so please bear with us.

Indy won 27-23, for a total of 50 points. Alex: So so so sorry, but, Congratulations to Gedeon on his first ever Weekly Standard Prize (WSP)! Gedeon, you win Matell's new Masturbating Baboon toy! Just turn the crank (so to speak) and it goes right to work! And, it comes with real vanilla Jell-O pudding! Amaze you friends, gross out just about everyone, and Yay, just in time to celebrate the birth of our Savior!

No, sadly, you'll win the WSP of $70. Amaze you friends, confound your enemies, and buy yourself some gum. Or something.

So, here are the final standings for Week 2:

1. Gedeon...12-4
1. Alex...12-4
3. Jon Stover...10-6
3. Bill Denton...10-6
3. John Weaver...10-6
6. George Smith...9-7
6. Matthew Mariam...9-7
6. Matthew Kory (ME!)...9-7
9. Dan Sinclair...8-8
9. Zack Klein...8-8
9. Karl Vaillancourt...8-8
9. Sandy Kory...8-8
9. Joey Bansen...8-8
9. Adam Roy...8-8
15. Dave "Dollars" Labowitz...7-9
16. Josh "No Dollars" Money...6-10

And, for the first time this year, I present to you, the Current Overall Standings (COS). Unsurprisingly, the two WSP winners are near the top:

1. Gedeon Mariam...24-8
2. Alex Mena...23-9
3. Jon Stover...22-10
4. Bill Denton...21-11
4. Matthew Mariam...21-11
4. John Weaver...21-11
4. Zack Klein...21-11
4. Joey Bansen... 21-11
4. George Smith...21-11
10. Dave Labowitz...20-12
10. Karl Vaillancourt...20-12
10. Dan Sinclair...20-12
10. Adam Roy...20-12
14. Josh Money... 19-13
14. ME BITCHES... 19-13
14. Sandy Kory...19-13

I should note that if anyone thinks I've made a mistake with their record, please notify me immediately. Thankyaaaaaw.

So, that's Week 2, people. The schedule for Week 3 will be up shortly. Need your picks with MNP by 1pm EST this Sunday.