Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Week 4: Schedule

If you're looking for the results from Week 3 you can hit 'em up here or just scroll down six inches.

As promised, here's your Week 4 schedule. Try not to drool all over it.

New York Jets at Buffalo
Cincinnati at Cleveland
Seattle at St. Louis
Carolina at New Orleans
Baltimore at Pittsburgh
Denver at Tennessee
Detroit at Green Bay
San Francisco at Atlanta
Indianapolis at Jacksonville
Houston at Oakland
Washington at Philadelphia
Arizona at San Diego
Chicago at New York "Eponymous Muskrat" Giants
New England at Miami (plus total points)

Week 3: Results

Another week in the books and another week in the books that I didn't win.   So it goes, eh?  Well, apologies, but I don't have anything funny to write.  Wait, here ya go.  Poop.  Ha!  Good stuff, eh?

To the results!

When last we met you may recall that Week 3 was decided before Monday night even happened.  Also Dave Labowitz didn't win.  That's some shit right there.  Well, Monday night went ahead and happened anyway, but John Weaver didn't need its help.  Which is good, because Chicago won, so he didn't get it.  Didn't matter.  Mr. Weaver is and will always be known as the Big Weiner from Week 3!  Congrats to John Weaver, who, as the designated wiener, wins not one, not two, but three copies of And They Ask Me Why I Drink, by Nino Greasemanelli.  Yes, that includes the one from my bathroom!

Just to whet your appetite, here's what some of the reviewers on Amazon.com said (sadly I'm not making these up):

*I read this on a plane. It was awful. I was intrigued because my mother used to listen to this guy when we were kids in DC. She thought he was hilarious. I don't know, the book kind of sucked.

*I purchased mine at a yard sale for $0.50 and read it in the bathroom. Given all of that I still felt ripped off! I can't stress enough---DONT BUY THIS BOOK!!!--- To sum it up in one word "LAME"

OK, Weaver, listen carefully.  You can hold on to your red snapper, or you can go for whats in the box that's being brought down the isle right now!  Whats it gonna be?!

Ah, who cares.  You win the WSP of $70.  Have fun blowing it it all on booze and porn.

The standings for Week 3:

1. John Weaver ... 12-4
2. Josh Money ... 11-5
3. Zack Klein ... 10-6
3. Bill Denton ... 10-6
5. Karl Vaillancourt ... 9-7
5. George Smith ... 9-7
5. Joey Bansen ... 9-7
5. Matthew Mariam ... 9-7
9. Gedeon Mariam ... 8-8
9. Dave Labowitz ... 8-8
9. Matthew Kory ... 8-8
12. Robin Wood ... 7-9
12. Jon Stover ... 7-9
14. Sandy Kory ... 6-10
14. Alex Mena ... 6-10

After two weeks, we have have a new resident in the head chair.  You'll be shocked to learn its John Weaver.  Still we're only three weeks into this daddy and its a close race overall.  No reason to panic as there's only eight games separating first and last place. 

1. John Weaver ... 33-15
2. Zack Klein ... 32-16
3. George Smith ... 30-18
3. Alex Mena ... 30-18
5. Bill Denton ... 29-19
5. .Josh Money ... 29-19
5. Joey Bansen ... 29-19
8. Dave Labowitz ... 28-20
9. Matthew Kory ... 27-21
9. Matthew Mariam ... 27-21
9. Gedeon Mariam ... 27-21
12. Jon Stover ... 26-22
12. Karl Vaillancourt ... 26-22
14. Sandy Kory ... 26-22
15. Robin Wood ... 25-23

One programing note: The wife and I are taking a bit of a road trip this weekend.  [pause for hooting and hollering to stop]  The whole telecommunications revolution thing is kinda spotty here in Oregon, especially when you get outside the city, so I'm not entirely sure I'll have internet access.  This is all by way of saying there may not be a Sunday night update on this here blog.  Though there might be. 

The schedule for Week 4 will be up shortly.  Congrats again to John Weaver, and best of luck to everyone this coming week.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Week 3: Update: Diddly Poo!

 diddly pooteriffic poo-turds!

Its not often this pool gets all decided and sheeet before the Monday night game.  When it comes down to it, we're relatively evenly matched folks in terms of our football picking abilities.  Yes, penis size is another matter entirely, but I come to build up, not to tear down so take your negativity elsewhere.

Anyway, this is that rare week when the Monday night game will decide diddly-poo.  Yes sir, we've already got our Week 3 winner. 

Should I divulge who it is?

Should I? 


In the words of the great American, Mr. Steve Martin... 


Sorry, suckers, you'll just have to wait till tomorrow for the exciting conclusion. 

Come on, Matty, stop being a prick and tell us who won!

Well, italicized voice, I'm not being a prick, just trying to keep some suspense going.  I won't tell you who won, but if you really want, I'll tell you who lost Dave Labowitz there done happy?

See you tomorrow night!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Week 3: Schedule

*If you're looking for the results for Week 2, click here.*

You've hungered for it, so here it is, your Week 3 schedule!!!

Don't forget, pool(poop) peeps, Week 3 starts this Sunday at 1pm EST.  I require all your winners in my in-box by that time. 

San Francisco at Kansas City
Tennessee at New York "Intestinal Parasite" Giants
Pittsburgh at Tampa Bay
Detroit at Minnesota
Atlanta at New Orleans
Cleveland at Baltimore
Buffalo at New England
Cincinnati at Carolina
Dallas at Houston
Washington at St. Louis
Philadelphia at Jacksonville
San Diego at Seattle
Oakland at Arizona
Indianapolis at Denver
New York Jets at Miami
Green Bay at Chicago (plus total points)

(By the way, if anyone was wondering, in the interest of fairness I publish all my picks in the comments section of the weekly schedule post (like this one) each week before game time, usually on about Friday though it varies.)

Week 2: Results!

Football is a funny game.  Sometimes its uplifting, like in Week 1 when the Redskins beat Dallas and I finished in second place in the pool.  Other times its a giant kick in the dick.  Like Week 2 when the opposite of those things happened.

Still, its early for those of you like me out there.  Those lost souls, those languishing in the depths of the proverbial second division, those sad sorry loser-bastards who's only job in life is to clean shit out of babies assholes.  Or, uh, something.

To the results!! 

This week could be titled Two Men And A Football Game.  Week 2 came down to two men, Alex Mena and John Weaver, and a football game. The San Francisco/New Orleans Monday Night game to be specific.  Both men entered with 11 wins, but only one would emerge with the necessary 12.   John, obviously high on Nyquil, tractor starter fuel, and some sort of fish paralyzer, chose San Francisco over the World Champs.  Either that or he though "N.O." stood for "NO!"  In any case, Weaver took SF, Mena took NO.

And New Orleans won.  Shocker.  Mena is this Week's Weekly Wiener (WWW)!  Congrats to Alex Mena!  Mr. Mena, you win this week's amazing prize of one pair of Jerry Jones' soiled Spiderman Under-roos brand underware!  The very pair he wore for the Week 1 loss to Washington!  Yes, he actually hershey squirted in them!  And no, the smell hasn't dissipated!  Frame them!  Mount them! Or have them bronzed!  Or mount them!

Or just accept the WSP of seventy bucks.  Sheesh. 

Here are the final standings for Week 2:

1. Alex Mena ... 12-4
2. John Weaver ... 11-5
2. Gedeon Mariam ... 11-5
2. George Smith ... 11-5
2. Zack Klein ... 11-5
6. Bill Denton ... 10-6
6. Matthew Mariam ... 10-6
6. Dave Labowitz ... 10-6
9. Josh Money ... 9-7
9. Jon Stover ... 9-7
9. Joey Bansen ... 9-7
12. Sandy Kory ... 8-8
12. Karl Vaillancourt ... 8-8
12. Matthew Kory ... 8-8
15. Robin Wood ... 7-9

Say, here's something interesting, if you add the final standings from Week 1 and the final standings from Week 2, you get the Current Overall Standings (COS)!!!

1. Alex Mena ... 24-8
2. Zack Klein ... 23-9
3. George Smith ... 21-11
3. John Weaver ... 21-11
5. Dave Labowitz ... 20-12
5. Sandy Kory ... 20-12
5. Joey Bansen ... 20-12
8. Matthew Kory ... 19-13
8. Bill Denton ... 19-13
8. Gedeon Mariam ... 19-13
8. Jon Stover ... 19-13
12. Robin Wood ... 18-14
12. Josh Money ... 18-14
14. Matthew Mariam ... 18-14
15. Karl Vaillancourt ... 17-15

The schedule (or as the brits say, shhhhhed-u-el) for Week 3 will be up soon.  Congrats again to Alex Mena, and have a great week.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Week 2: Update

After the Redskins meltdown today you all should be amazed that I'm even able to think about football without bazooka barfing let alone compile all of your stats and post them here.  In any case I'm going to make this quick because I have an appointment with the last piece of furniture in my house that I've yet to break.

Unless the Giants score 24 points in the next minute and a half I feel pretty comfortable saying that this week is going to come down to just two people... 

In the red corner, you may remember him from last week's performance of The Nepotism Story: Dammit I Lost The WSP On MNP To Matt's Brother ... Alex Mena!  And in the blue corner, making his first appearance in an update this year ... John "Not Dave Labowitz" Weaver!

Both John and Alex have 11 wins going into tonight.  There are some people who have 10 wins but you're gonna need 12 to win Week 2.  Why?  Because Alex and John picked different winners for Monday night.  That's right, someone actually picked San Francisco over the Saints!  What were they thinking??  To find out shoot John an email after the 49ers get rolled tomorrow night.

So that's it.  No MNP, no eight-different-people-might-win intrigue.  Just John and Alex.  Mono a mono.  If New Orleans wins so does Alex.  If San Francisco wins, so does John.  Best of luck to you both,  gentleman.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to adjourn to the study.  There's a barcalounger calling my name.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Week 2: Schedule

(If you're looking for the results from Week 1, click here or scroll down)

Below is the schedule for Week 2.  As always, I need all your picks (tha'd be winners only, please) in my in-box by the start of the first game.  Specifically, that's 1:05pm EST this Sunday.  Have a great week everyone.

Buffalo at Green Bay                          
Baltimore at Cincinnati                          
Tampa Bay at Carolina
Kansas City at Cleveland           
Pittsburgh at Tennessee            
Chicago at Dallas
Arizona at Atlanta           
Philadelphia at Detroit
Miami at Minnesota                       
Seattle at Denver
St. Louis at Oakland
Houston at Washington           
New England at New York Jets
Jacksonville at San Diego
New York “Foot Fungus” Giants at Indianapolis
New Orleans at San Francisco (plus total points)

Week 1: Results

Week 1 is always one of the hardest weeks.  In a month from now we'll all have a better handle on who has improved since last year and who has fallen off, but now, we're almost flying blind.  If any teams have taken big steps forward, we likely don't know about it yet.  If anyone has fallen off the cliff, we have nothing to judge it against. 

And still we fight on.  Gloriously.  Into the night. 


If any of you bothered to check thishere* blog this morning, you would've likely deduced two things: 1) my wife hates me, and 2) I am not in the running for the money.  Oh yeah, and something about other people winning the WSP.  WHATEVER. 

*I love that word.  It makes me sound like I have my own still out behind the wood pile.

And while I'm stalling here, who thought hiring Matt Millen fresh off of destroying the Detroit Lions franchise from his living room in Pittsburgh (I swear I just typed "Pissburgh"), to analyze games was a good idea? 

Lead Announcer Guy: So, Matt, it looked like the Chargers just came up a few yards short tonight.
Millen: Yup.  To me, Lead Announcer Guy, the Chargers just didn't have enough wide receivers.  A few more of those and I think their night might have turned out differently *Buuuuuuurp*

Anyway, the pool. Right.  Going into tonight, Sandy and Alex were the top dogs at 11 wins, with four peeps hot on their collective tail a game back.  Both Alex and Sandy managed to win one of tonight's two games, thereby maintaining their collective one game lead over the rest of the pool and a two game LODL* and finishing 12-4. 

* That's Lead Over Dave Labowitz, which is really the only kind of lead I'm worried about.

So with two people tied this week would go down to Monday Night Points (MNP)!  Alex went high, picking 52, while Sandy went way low picking 1.  The final score of the last Monday Night Game was 21-14 for a total of 35 points, so Alex went over making Sandy Kory this week's winner!

Congratulations, Sandy!  You'll take home a game worn Official Redskins Sweaty Jock commemorating Sunday's great win over Dallas!  You know its the kind they wear on the field because its still soaked with game-made secretions!

No, sadly, you will take home the Weekly Standard Prize, which this year is $70!  I only ask, when receiving this vast wealth, you remember your older and decidedly stupider brother (one game stupider as it turns out) who badly needs beer.  Good beer.  I'm talking something from Belgium.

Here are the final standings for Week 1: 

1. Sandy Kory ... 12-4
1. Alex Mena ... 12-4
3. Zack Klein ... 11-5
3. Robin Wood ... 11-5
3. Joey Bansen ... 11-5
3. Matthew Kory ... 11-5
7. George Smith ... 10-6
7. Jon Stover ... 10-6
7. John Weaver ... 10-6
7. Dave Labowitz ... 10-6
11. Bill Denton ... 9-7
11. Josh Money ... 9-7
11. Karl Vaillancourt ... 9-7
14. Matthew Mariam ... 8-8
14. Gedeon Mariam ... 8-8

Normally I'd also publish the Current Overall Standings (COS) but this being Week 1, they're the same as the above. 

So one final congrats to my brother and a reminder that the Week 2 schedule, which fortunately doesn't begin until next Sunday, will be posted shortly.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Week 1: (Overly Complicated) Update

Last night after the Redskins improbable last play victory over Dallas, a victory which screwed me in the pool, my wife accused me of "waking up the neighborhood by screeching like a girl."

I'm not sure why I felt it necessary to tell you that.

With two more games on tap to finish off Week 1, we've got a two way tie for first place!  But!  There are four others waiting only a game out to snatch up the first WSP should both of the two front-runners stumble.  Except, not really, as you shall see.

Here's how the standings look as of now.

1. Alex Mena & Sandy Kory ... 11-3
2. Jon Stover, Joey Bansen, Robin Wood & Zack Klein ... 10-4

As luck would have it Alex and Sandy have completely the opposite picks for tonight's two games.  Sandy has the Jets and KC while Alex picked Baltimore and San Diego.  If either of them is correct on both then obviously they'd be this week's winner.  If, however, the games split... well, this is where it gets complicated. Let me tell ya like this:

If tonight's winners are...

NY Jets & KC
- Sandy wins regardless of the score.
Baltimore & SD
- Joey, Robin, and Zack all picked these two teams to win, but since Alex picked them as well and he is a game up on them, they can't catch him.  So in this scenario Alex wins regardless of the score. Sorry, peeps, better luck never next week.

Baltimore & KC
- Since nobody who currently has 10 wins picked this exact combination nobody can catch Sandy and Alex who would both have 12 wins.  So, with two people tied at 12 wins, the winner will be determined by Monday Night Points (MNP)!  Alex picked 52 and Sandy picked (dut-da-DAH!) 1.  Remember, we use Price Is Right rules here at MFSAFP(p!)!, so the winner is the one who is the closest to the final score without going over.  So if the final score totals 51 or under, Sandy, who effectively just bet a dollar at the second Showcase Showdown, wins.  If its 52 or over Alex wins. 

NY Jets & SD
- Jon Stover, who currently has 10 wins, picked this exact combination which neither Sandy nor Alex picked.  Since Sandy picked the Jets but not San Diego, and Alex picked San Diego but not the Jets, Jon would make up a game on both of them which would lead to a three-way tie for first between Jon, Sandy, and Alex. So we're talking MNP.  Jon picked 43, so if the final score is between 1 and 42, Sandy would win.  If its between 43 and 51, Jon would win.  If its 52 or greater, Alex would win.

I should get paid for this crap.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Week 1: Pre-Update

As most of you know, I sometimes post updates to this here blog during the weekend.  Usually I do this on Sunday night before the Monday night match up.  Its fun to know if you're still in the running for the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) and what you need to happen to win it. 

We're not that far down the road in Week 1 but I thought I'd post this pre-update to let you know how you're faring after Thursday's game.

So I've got good news and bad news. The good news is you got the Thursday night game correct.  The bad news is so did everyone else.  Yup, everyone picked the Saints this week.  Surprising, actually, because the Vikings wouldn't have been a bad pick, but nobody fell for it.   Everyone is now 1-0 on the season.  Congrats. 

I suspect things will start to stratify a bit on Sunday.  Here's to that.

Monday, September 06, 2010

Pay Out Information And Final Standings Tie Payout Scenarios

If you're looking for Week 1 information, click here or scroll down a post.

 * * *

As of now we have fourteen people participating in this pool.  If anyone else joins between now and Thursday night I'll re-work this, but that probably won't happen.

I always try to work it out so that if you win two weeks you'll win your money back, so to that end, each weekly winner will win the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) which will be $70

The top three finishers in the Yearly Overall standings (YOS) will win as follows:

* The Third Overall Winner wins $90.

* The Second Overall Winner wins $180.

* The First Overall Winner will take home $290.

That's the easy part.  If you're not interested in tie scenarios, read no further.

 * * *

Final Overall Standings Tie Payout Scenarios (FOSTPS)

In the years doing this pool we've never had a tie at the top of the final standings before but just in case, I thought it would be good to put in writing.  For my own amusement I'll do this in the form of a FAQ ("Hey, man!  FAAA Q!")


Q: What if there is a two way tie for first?

A: The first overall and second overall prize money is combined ($290 + $180 = $470) and divided by two ($470 / 2 = $235).  Each of the tied participants receives an equal share. The person finishing behind the top two wins the third overall prize ($90).


Q: What if there is a three way (or more) tie for first?

A: All the prize money is be combined ($560) and divided by the number of people tied for the position.


Final Standings:
Person 1 ... 200-2
Person 2 ... 200-2
Person 3 ... 200-2
Person 4 ... 199-3
Person 5 ... 198-4

- Person 1, Person 2, and Person 3 are tied for first overall. All the final money is added together ($560), split three ways, and distributed equally to each ($186.66 per share).

- Person 4 and Person 5 get kicked in the dick.


Q: What if there is a tie for second overall, but not for first overall?

A:  The person who finishes first overall will receive the full first overall prize.  The people tied for second will receive the total of the second and third overall prizes divided by the number of people tied for second. No third place prize would be distributed.

Example 3

Final Standings:
Person 1 ... 200-2
Person 2 ... 199-3
Person 3 ... 199-3
Person 4 ... 199-3
Person 5 ... 198-4

- Person 1 wins the full first overall prize of $290.
- Person 2, Person 3 and Person 4 are all tied for second. The second place and third place money ($180 and $90) are combined ($270) and split three ways so that each receives a share ($90).
- Person 5 receives a boot to the nads.


Q: What if there are no ties for first or second but there is a tie for third?

A: The first and second overall prizes will be distributed normally. The third overall prize ($90) will be split as many ways as there are third place finishers.


Q: What if there is a two-way tie for first overall and a tie for third overall?

A: You mean if the final standings look like this?

Person 1 ... 200-2
Person 2 ... 200-2
Person 3 ... 199-3
Person 4 ... 198-4
Person 5 ... 198-4

Q: Yes.

A: In that case the first overall prize and the second overall prize would be added together and divided up equally between the top two finishers.  The third overall prize would go to Person 3, who finished third overall.  Persons 4 and 5 would receive the out-of-contention punch to the nuts.


Q: What if there are no ties at all?

A: Do I really need to answer that? 


* * *

I hope that is all clear. Please email me if you have any questions.

Sunday, September 05, 2010

Week 1: Schedule & Pre-Season Garbage (rules, blah blah blah)

May I be the first to welcome you to Week 1 of this, the newest of NFL seasons.   2010 is nothing if not doused with promise, and in that way it is much like Matty's Fourth Annual Football Pool(poop!)!  

MFAFP(p!)! is finding an extra dollar bill in your wash, its cracking open a fortune cookie to find two fortunes*, its writing out a rent check before realizing that, hey, you already paid this month's already because this is your last month in the apartment and you haven't found a new place so you're probably gonna be homeless in thirty days or at least buried under a pile of your crap on someone else's front lawn and your girlfriend left you for your dog, both of whom stole all your hats before they were run over by your dead dad's huge huge broken pickup truck. 

[pause for applesauce]

*Both predicting your demise.

This season will be what we make of it, folks, which means I'll find myself in last place before too long.  But that doesn't mean it won't be a long and upsetting ride.  Because it will.  Its gonna be awesome. 
And in the end, when I'm lying down, breathing my last breath (metaphorically speaking), I will find comfort in the certainty that Dave Labowitz can't possibly win the damn pool for the third year in a row... right?  RIGHT!??!  Just thinking about it causes my bowels to loosen slightly. I fear if Dave is in first place by Week 10 I may experience an accident.

I hope you feel suitably welcomed.

 * * *

So here's the rules again, peeps.  Below you'll find the weekly schedule.  Send your winners and only your winners (cut out the losers, yo) to matthew.kory@gmail.com before the start of the week's first game.  It must be in my inbox by the start of that first game or else three things will happen:

1) you will be inelligbile for the Weekly Standard Prize
2) you will automatically receive the worst record that anyone receives that week regardless of what your picks were.
3) You will be excommunicated from the Catholic Church (unless you're Catholic, then you'll communicated, which might be worse).

Don't forget to provide the total number of points for the designated Monday Night game.  Its the game with "(plus total points)" following it below.  Remember, we play Price Is Right! rules here, so in case of a tie (i.e. two or more people end the week in first place with the same record) the winner is the one who got the score closest without going over.  If it turns out that two or more weekly winners have chosen the same number of points we'll just split damn the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) already. 

The season and Week 1 more specifically begin this Thursday, September 9, 2010 at 8:30pm EST.  I gotta have your picks by that time.  

Here's the Week 1 schedule, posted for your pleasure:

Minnesota at New Orleans
Miami at Buffalo
Detroit at Chicago
Indianapolis at Houston
Denver at Jacksonville
Cincinnati at New England
Carolina at NY Giants
Atlanta at Pittsburgh
Cleveland at Tampa Bay
Oakland at Tennessee
Green Bay at Philadelphia
San Francisco at Seattle
Arizona at St. Louis
Dallas at Washington
Baltimore at NY Jets
San Diego at Kansas City (plus total points)

I'll post the exact money breakdown here on the blog later in the week, certainly before the the start of game one.  If anyone has any questions, as always, feel free to email me.  

Don't forget to get your picks in and good luck this year!