Tuesday, November 21, 2006



Happy Turkey Day everyone, from your friends here at Around The NFL With Matty HQ (TATNFLWMHQ). Its time to celebrate the holiday by eating enough food to make third world countries sick just looking at us! And don't forget to get that Christmas shopping list ready, because we've only got so many days left to waste our disposable income buying stupid shit that people won't use! Personally, I can't wait! Also, I love exclamation points!

This week, ATNFLWM will give you a comprehensive list of the things we are thankful for. Some of them will be serious, some of them might make you cry, but all of them are guaranteed to make you throw up. Such is the power of ATNFLWM's List Making Team (ATNFLWMLMT)! But first, this week's edition of ATNFLWM is brought to you by:

Drug Stores! Remember, when Christmas eve comes around and you don't have a gift for that special someone, head to your local drug store and get them a beautiful bright green soap dish, or a yummy box of crackers, or that plastic folding chair they've always wanted! Yay, drug stores!

...and by Santa:

Santa: Don't think I wasn't looking when you did that awful thing! You'll be sorry, I swear to God!

So, this week, ATNFLWM Presents The Comprehensive List Of All The Dumb Crap That ATNFLWM Is Thankful For This Holiday Season (ATNFLWMPTCLOATDCTATNFLWMITFTHS). And, let me tell you, there are many things. So many, in fact, that you may wear your browser out just looking at them all. But, no matter. This will not stop ATNFLWM! TO THE LIST!!

ATNFLWM is thankful for...
  1. Lousy and uninformed sports announcers
  2. Corporate Welfare
  3. New Music
  4. Awesome Music
  5. Cool Ideas, even if they may never happen
  6. Pretty Islands (hey, theres no rules here)
  7. Massive Wastes of Time
  8. Oh my God is this stupid
  9. Yummy delicious Beer
  10. Bill O'Reilly
  11. Keith F'n Olbermann
  13. Reasons to live
  14. Racist Pricks having to apologize for being racist pricks on national TV
  15. Getting my first hit since College
  16. Nobody Likes Derek Jeter
  17. Real. Intelligent. Football. Commentary.
  18. Good people doing a good job.
  19. The Power of Positive Thinking
  20. Thanksgiving!
And now to the picks! But first, a reminder: these picks have not been sanitized, and as such ATNFLWM, its subsidiaries, and conglomerates, relieve themselves (on you) of any liability or VD that they may cause. And now, in deference to The Man, Happy F'n Thanksgiving, people!

Thursday, Nov 23 (first game at 12:30pm EST)
Miami at Detroit
-What did we as a society do to deserve to watch one of the worst NFL franchises over and over and over every damn Thanksgiving? I hate the Cowboys, but at least they're decent sometimes.
Pick: Miami

Tampa Bay at Dallas
-Cowboys wide receiver Terrell "Moron M. Moron" Owens planning special 'thanksgiving themed' touchdown celebration. It involves a turkey, his ass, and your imagination. Enjoy!
Pick: Dallas

Denver at Kansas City
-Jake Plummer recently named "The #1 Threat To Our Way Of Life" by Beard Illustrated
Pick: Kansas City
Sunday, Nov 26
Arizona at Minnesota
-Just when you think the Cardinals are d-o-n-e donedonedone! they go and win a game last week. Well you can expect that trend to end this week. These are, after all, the Cardinals.
Pick: Minnesota

Carolina at Washington
-With semi-rookie Jason Campbell firmly ensconced in the starting quarterback role and Mark Brunell crying in his metamucil, the Redskins have a real shot to look better when losing.
-Skins coach Joe Gibbs really looking forward to losing to a "stand up team like Carolina." Said Gibbs, "It should be a great experience. I can't wait."
Pick: Carolina

Chicago at New England
-Bill Belachick has the fashion sense of a dead slug
-I can't spell "Belichick" worth a damn
Pick: Chicago

[Editor's note: from here on in i'm not going to actually write anything funny]

Cincinnati at Cleveland
-Cleveland: Its smelly!
Pick: Cincinnati

Houston at NY Jets
-Chad Pennington has herpes!
Pick: NY Jets

Jacksonville at Buffalo
-Buffalo: the city with herpes!
Pick: Jacksonville

New Orleans at Atlanta
-not that anyone in Atlanta cares.
Pick: Atlanta

NY GONJA!! Giants at Tennessee
-Tiki Barber too much a standup guy to run over the middle.
Pick: NY Extreme Incontinence Giants

Philadelphia at Indianapolis
-The Eagles actually had 9 wins, but Andy Reid ate them. HA!
Pick: Indianapolis

Pittsburgh at Baltimore
-Apparently there is a sandwich in Pittsburgh called "the Roethlisberger" which involves mayo and a fried egg and a bunch of other shit designed to kill you.
Pick: Baltimore

San Francisco at St Louis
-49ers for real, tho.
Pick: St. Louis

Oakland at San Diego
-Raiders aren't any good! They're terrible, in fact! Not a good football team at all!
Pick: San Diego
Monday Night
Green Bay at Seattle
-Brett Favre should retire to a life of honor in southwest Mississippi.
Pick: Seattle (31)
Next Week: I don't do shit! Stay tuned!

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