AROUND THE NFL WITH MATTY! WEEK 9

Umm... Dude...?

Welcome to Week 9 of ATNFLWM!! This is the traditional end of the line for some pretenders, like Washington. And Dave Labowitz.

On today's program we're going to go straight to the picks, primarily because we don't feel like making up a bunch of dumb crap. Sure, we'll still make up some dumb crap, just not as much as usual. This week, ATNFLWM will spare you. Somewhat.

But as always, we gotta pay the bills here at ATNFLWM, so we ask you to close your eyes and repeat silently to yourselves "theres no place like home, theres no place like home" until we finish the following. ATNFLWM is sponsored by:

Bill Denton's picks! All of them 100% gauranteed to be correct!*

*gaurantee only applicable while standing upside down, drinking coors light through your nose in states ending in "-butt"

And by:

Real Estate! Always a good deal. Always! ALWAYS, DAMMIT!

And by:

The Matt Kory School of Humor: Just take one person's name and put it into an offensive sounding title! Its so easy! You don't even need a personality! For example:

The Matt Kory Puppy Eating Society! Yay! Support us today!

And now in deference to the Man, these picks have been sanitized for your protection, but kids, don't forget to wear a condom while reading, just in case.

Atlanta at Detroit
-an ATNFLWM haiku:

Mike Vick throws a pass
long and beautiful, does not
matter, No playoffs!

Pick: Atlanta

Cincinnati at Baltimore
-ATNFLWM has obtained an exclusive photograph of Chad Johnson's latest touchdown attire:
















Pick: Baltimore

Dallas at Washington
-Redskins to try new defensive strategy: Start the Llama
















-As far as I'm concerned, this is the Redskins Superbowl. There will be no playoffs, and after last year's finish (winning a playoff game and performing admirably in Seattle) this season is already a huge disappointment. The only thing that can salvage this season, a little bit at least, is beating the pants off the Cowboys. But I'll settle for just beating them. However, even in the event of that unlikely occurance, the Redskins have made their death bed and now they must lie in it. And so, unfortunately, must I. And, dammit, this bed stinks. I think theres lice in it too...
-When you go to Google images and type in "bad throw football" I swear this is the image that comes up:














Pick: Washington

Green Bay at Buffalo
-Neil Patrick Harris is gay? Holy Crap!
Pick: Green Bay

Houston at NY Onion Breath Giants
-Eli Manning has all the charm and charisma of my mother's dog rolling around in its own feces. Eli throws a better pass though, but if yr putting money on the stinkiest turd, mines on the dog.
Pick: NY "No, you have to change in Atlanta" Giants

Kansas City at St Louis
-Where are Dick Vermeil's tear ducts when you need them?
-Rams Year 2000 Contract with Lucifer, recently uncovered by an ATNFLWM investigation, states that a giant itchy rash will cover the team's collective naughty bits.
Pick: Kansas City

Miami at Chicago
-Nick Saban: the NFL's version of Waterworld
Pick: Chicago

New Orleans at Tampa Bay
-If there is one player in the league that I can pick to start up a new team, its has to be Bruce Gradkowski. And you don't even know who that is, do you? Well, neither do I.
Pick: Tampa Bay (I have no idea why I'm doing this; I must have mistyped)

Tennessee at Jacksonville
-Jack Del Rio recently presented with Meathead Coach award at the Buddy Ryan Coaches club, which is located, somewhat fittingly, by the restroom of the Burger King on Rt. 3 in Lindenwold, NJ.
Pick: Jacksonville

Minnesota at San Francisco
-NFL has commissioned hubbel-esque telescope to discern if the 49ers are indeed improving
-Brad Childress has said that if Brad Johnson does not get off to a good start this week against San Francisco, he's going to put in the third stringer. Who's the Vikings third string QB? This guy:
















Pick: Minnesota

Cleveland at San Diego
-About five years ago, returning from some trip or another by car, Bill and I picked up a radio station out of Cleveland, OH where the two talk radio hosts were dumbfoundedly wondering how the NFL was able to exist without the great city of Cleveland filling its coffers with polluted water, or whatever, for upwards of five years. They were seriously amazed and relieved that football had come back to Cleveland, not because Cleveland needed the NFL but because the NFL needed Cleveland. Well, the NFL better get Cleveland another team soon, because this one is clearly broken.
Pick: San Diego

Denver at Pittsburgh
-As long as Jake Plummer remains Jake Plummer the Broncos ain't going nowhere. And yes, I purposely put in that double negative.
Pick: Denver

Indianapolis at New England
-Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady, Manning, Brady?

Pick: New England

Oakland at Seattle
-With Raiders recent victory over Pittsburgh, Al Davis realized that the teams chances of winning the first pick in the draft are likely shot to hell. Even when the Raiders try to be good, they fuck it up.
Pick: Seattle (13)

Next Week: I make Christmas ornaments out of old clothing I steal from homeless people! Stay tuned!