Week 6: Fumbling for Jesus
Good morrow, my underlings. May you awake to an unsavory prickly sensation in your private places.
This week, Around The NFL With Matty (ATNFLWM) is proud to present the Patented And Semi-Anticipated ATNFLWM A Little Over A Quarter Of The Season Is Done Awards (PASAATNFLWMALOAQOTSIDA)! Sponsored by The Republican Party! When you think "done" think of the Republican Party!
And now your hosts, Woopi Goldberg, and Jamie Farr!!
[honorable music plays]
Hey! It’s a great honor to be doing this show with you, Jamie.
Thanks. It’s an honor to be here with you too... [pause] You have no idea who I am.
Nope.
I played Klinger in MASH.
You were in a show about potatoes and you think I should know who you are? Whatever…and now, the first award will be presented by Deion Sanders!
[crowd claps]
Ya-ho! Eee-oo! Ha HA!! This is the You A Bitch award and it is presented to the player who has exhibited the most bitch-itude so far this season. The award goes to… [opens envelope] TERRELL OWENS!! [crowd claps] Mr. Owens couldn’t be here tonight to accept the award as he’s walking around town yelling at people for stealing his magic beans.
The next award is the Most Likely to Urinate on His Coach Award which will be presented by Tony Kornheiser!
Hey, did I tell you about my fantasy football team? We’re doing OK, and now that I spend my life on a bus I don’t have much else to do, other than maybe come up with something decent to talk about on Monday Night… Naaaah… so, the Player most likely to Urinate on his coach is…[opens envelope] TERRELL OWENS!! Mr. Owens couldn’t be here tonight to accept this award. He is in his living room practicing stalking up and down the sidelines.
Mercifully, we’ve come to the last award of the night [crowd claps]. It will be presented by John Madden!
[crowd claps]
BAP! BOOM! Ya see? When you present an award ya gotta come out there and BAM show 'em how ta do it. I’m here to present the Tampa Bay Buccaneer Award for Incredible Futility. This award goes to the team that is not only awful, but BAM! has a chance to achieve real lasting futility on a grand scale! This year, the award goes go…. [opens envelope] …TERRELL OWENS!!! Mr. Owens couldn’t be here tonight because he was too busy urinating on vagrants.
Thankfully that’s the end!
Of our careers
Those were done a long time ago.
[exunt!]
And now to the picks! But first a reminder, in deference to The Man, these picks are not for use as a detergent, solvent, or household cleaner. They are not to be touched, inhaled, or looked at. If for any reason you come into contact with one, consult a doctor immediately.
Buffalo at Detroit
-Bills leave Buffalo and its two feet of snow for Detroit and its 20 miles of urban hell.
-Last year the Lions problem was Joey Harrington. Fortunately, they're rid of him now. This year's problem: the rest of the organization.
Pick: Buffalo
Carolina at Baltimore
-Ravens may wind up winning the Superbowl, but they'll never really be winners because they’ll still live in Baltimore.
-To simulate Baltimore's defense, Carolina Coach John Fox put buckets over the heads of the offense and then had people hit them repeatedly with shovels.
Pick: Baltimore
Cincinnati at Tampa Bay
-Showing the same judgment that he does on the football field, Chris Simms turned down a contract offer with a $10M signing bonus this off season. Magic Spleen says...bad decision.
-Due to NFL's new restrictive celebratory rules, Chad Johnson planning to celebrate all his touchdowns at an exclusive NFL after-party.
Pick: Cincinnati
Houston at Dallas
-Terrell Owens played so badly last week against Philadelphia, that Fox identified him as a wide receiver for the Democrats.
or
Terrell Owens played so badly last week against Philadelphia that Fox identified him as Alex Rodriguez.
Vote now at www.youreastupidmoronforclickingonthislink.com!!
-If you go to www.terrellowens.com and click on “Owens Store” the second item for sale is [I am not making this up] popcorn.
Pick: Dallas
NY Mustachioed Giants at Atlanta
-Michael Vick's grasp of the offense only exceeded by his grasp of keeping his completion percentage below 50%.
-Following last week's success against Washington, due at least in part to LaVar Arrington's thievery of Washington's playbook, Arrington was excused from practice this week in order to attend to some "family matters" in Atlanta.
Pick: Atlanta
Philadelphia at New Orleans
-Eagles Coach Andy Reid hungry... must... eat... chicken fingers...
-The Saints, 4-1 on the strength of emotion generated by hurricane Katrina, hold a prayer session before each game thanking God for sending the hurricane and asking for a new one (preferably named "Harold").
Pick: New Orleans
Seattle at St Louis
-Rams best “worst 4-1 team in NFL history”
-Reason Seahawks historically lousy on the road: no SleepComfort beds at hotels.
Pick: St. Louis
Tennessee at Washington
-And now for David Blaine's next trick, he'll make the Redskin offense re-appear, but this time inside the ass of a goat! Then he'll eat it!
-Jeff Fisher has a dumb mustache! Ha ha! He looks like a 1970s guy who wears 1970s clothes! Ha ha!
-Redskins getting so bad that George Bush insists they’ll still make the playoffs.
Pick: Washington
Kansas City at Pittsburgh
-Not only did his Steelers win the Superbowl last season, but Pittsburgh coach Bill Cowher won the much ballyhooed NFL Mustache of the Year award in a close contest over runner up Jeff Fisher and Joey Porter, who technically doesn’t have a mustache, but threatened to eat any judge who didn’t vote for him.
Pick: Pittsburgh
Miami at NY Jets
-Taken from this year’s SAT test:
Eric Mangini is to Nick Saban as…
(correct answer) Vince Lombardi is to Steve Spurrier
-I’ll be the first to say it: Nick “Steve Spurrier” Saban! How do you spell ‘disaster’? N-I-C-K S-A-B-A-N!!
Pick: NY Jets
San Diego at San Francisco
-The winning city gets to keep the losers San.
Pick: San San Diego
Oakland at Denver
-Who is playing QB for the Raiders? This isn’t a joke, I honestly have no idea.
-Denver defense to take night off, to be replaced by Randy Moss
-Al Davis can’t be bothered by the state of the Raiders. He is too busy installing new low-flow toilets in the air-tight bunker a mile under his house.
Pick: Denver
Chicago at Arizona
Its time to play the Joe Theismann MNF Drinking Game!! The rules are simple: Anytime Joe says any of the following, take a drink:
1. “Now, see, that’s how you play defense.”
2. “Right now, this is the best defense in the NFL.”
3. “Right now, I’m fully erect right now.”
4. “RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrIBIT!!”
5. “I EAT MY OWN POOP!!! LOOK AT ME!! I’M JOE THEISMANN!! EEEEEEEEEEE!!!!”
Pick: Chicago
Next week: I podcast my own fecal events! Stay tuned!
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