Week 5: Whooooaaaa, Doctor! You Can Hang A Star On That One!
Our top story this week: Matty can’t identify Oscar Gamble. C’mon man, that’s the greatest afro that ever been rocked – the only one better than Dr. J’s. Question: does this qualify more as a sports history issue or a Black History issue? Anyway…
It surfaced on Friday that T. Eldorado Owens has a series of semiautobiographical children’s books being published, the first of which, “Little T Learns To Share,” is hitting shelves soon. Two further installments are expected: “Little T Learns What Not To Say” and “Little T Learns To Say I’m Sorry.”
We interrupt this news report to point out that this is NOT a joke. This is really happening, and those are really the titles of the books. Now back to your regularly scheduled waste of fucking time…
This development is quite a blow to those of us who remain in the “Reality-Based Community.” I mean, it’s pretty clear that even Big T doesn’t know any of these things. Also, for those of you in Das Pool who don’t happen to live in Texas, this bears out my oft-spouted theory that the small business climate here is completely out of control. You can market ANYTHING here – and in all likelihood you can get government subsidies to do so, all the while complaining in thinly veiled racist terms about the welfare state.
In addition to “Little T Gets Called An Eggplant And Has To Go Home And Ask Momma What That Means” and “Little T Can’t Get No Poon Tang,” here are some suggested future titles in the “Little T” series:
In other news, it’s great to see Clinton Portis dust off an alter-ego for a press appearance this week. After the $kins maul the squawking me-first New York Bovine Flatulence Giants this week, he will no doubt be encouraged by his teammates to continue his weekly one-man masquerade parties. My humble suggestion: next week he should show up in a Yankees uniform, enormous wraparound sunglasses and a silver sombrero and identify himself as “Slappy de la Bluelips.”
Place your bets, place your bets, here we are.
Buffalo at Chicago
-Here we have a matchup between two of the teams with the most effective quarterbacks in the league. No, you have not been cryogenically frozen and trapped in a cave on Mars for the past 15 years.
Pick: Chicago
Cleveland at Carolina
-Every time I start to feel like a heel for having All-World Fuckhead Kellen Winslow II on my fantasy team, I just go look up whoever has Jeremy Shockey on his team and goof on him for a while. Always makes me feel like a big man.
Pick: Carolina
News Flash: Brad Radke’s arm is still attached to his body.
Detroit at Minnesota
-Head Coach Rod Marinelli is quickly developing a routine after Detroit losses: go home, call Matt Millen at his home in Pennsylvania and tell him the Lions lost, then kick the cat.
Pick: Minnesota
Miami at New England
-It’s probably been said before elsewhere, but if you’re looking at Joey Harrington as a solution rather than a problem, you’re in a lot of trouble.
-Nick Saban’s solution to team’s offensive struggles: hit the square peg harder and eventually it’ll fit in the round hole.
-Saban’s backup plan: find something bigger to use to hit the square peg.
Pick: New England
St Louis at Green Bay
-Another in a long list of personal tragedies that have befallen Brett Favre: his brain was eaten by zombies three years ago.
Pick: St. Louis (side bet: STL +3 turnover margin)
Tampa Bay at New Orleans
-People are living in FEMA trailers and refrigerator crates in southern Louisiana, but I bet you can still score some killer blow there.
Pick: New Orleans
Tennessee at Indianapolis
-Colts GM Bill Polian to Corey Simon: “Go ask Albert Haynesworth for your money, beyotch!”
-In this week’s Onion: “Haynesworth says he was just trying to make sure the guy was dead.”
Pick: Indianapolis… and lay the 18 points
Washington at NY Yank Dick Giants
-Jeremy Shockey and Plaxico Burress becoming such publicly despised characters that FOX News identified them as Democrats during Friday’s “The O’Reilly Factor.”
Pick: Dolomite Jenkins
Kansas City at Arizona
Q: How did Kansas City finally get a defense?
A: They traded their offense for it.
Pick: The Chefs (Great Googly Moogly!)
News Flash: A’s win! A’s win!
NY Jets at Jacksonville
-Defensive injuries starting to catch up with Jaguars. Self-inflicted brain injuries starting to catch up with Jets fans.
-Laveranues! New and improved – Now with 35% more Jerricho!
-After extensive research, I still can’t figure out why there is an NFL team in Jacksonville. Someone please help me out here.
Pick: Jacksonville
News Flash: Joe Morgan denying A’s win.
Oakland at San Francisco
-No better time than now for Northern California to fall into the Pacific Ocean.
-Advice for Raiders fans: try to reverse the numerals on your Randy Moss jersey and get a nameplate for it that says “Owens” – you’ve got until August to get this done. Oh, and wash your face, jackass. It’s not Halloween.
-Speaking of Moss, has anyone descended into irrelevance quicker than this guy? Milli Vanilli? Yahoo Serious? The Wassup Guys?
Pick: San Francisco
Dallas at Philadelphia
-Bad weekend for Dallas: coming home after a loss to the Eagles, they find the city burned to cinders by hordes of marauding Okies after the Sooners defeat the Longhorns.
-SI’s unpaid intern/football columnist Andrew Perloff opines: "McNabb's luck has been unbelievable this season. He's amassed a league-leading 1,248 passing yards against the No. 32, No. 31, No. 29 and No. 24 pass defenses in the NFL.” Um… Do you know why they’re ranked so low, you stoopid motherfucker? Because they’ve played against McNabb! There have been only four games this season so far!
Pick: Dallas. (Sorry. Playin’ the percentages here.)
News Flash: I’ve had these Pony California ‘78s for years, and only today have I noticed I laced them backwards, with the laces coming out of the medial eyelets over the top of the laces coming from the lateral eyelets. To make matters even worse, I laced only the left shoe that way. I’m fucking embarrassed. Ugh.
Pittsburgh at San Diego
-Marty Schottenheimer: the coaching equivalent of Vinny Testaverde.
-Marty Schottenheimer: The Poor Man’s Matty Kory.
Pick: Pittsburgh comin’ off the bye
Baltimore at Denver (plus total points)
-Baltimore is due for some comeuppance, but Jake Plummer already wasted his comeuppance reserves against some neighborhood kids who left a flaming doody bag on his front porch.
Pick: Denver 20-17
Tune in next week when we fill Mike Martz’ pants with Vicodin and beat Art Shell over the head with them!
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