Week 13: Wang Dang Doodle
Ladies and Gentlemen, Dr. Phil has left the building!
(Seriously. He just left. He was here all day with his usual contingent of Secret Service personnel and a guy with a burrito cart.)
Anyway… Man, oh man, what fun is this? Now I can hunker down to churn out this giant chunk of horseshit after I’ve already lost a game! Viva La Thursday Football!
We’ve got an enormous, irreconcilable pissing contest going between the NFL and the nation’s cable TV providers here. While it’s true that the NFL has become the dominant pro sports league in America and has gained a huge amount of traction in markets around the world, this might not be the best season for the league to pretend it’s got some “political capital” and try to leverage it. I mean, who wants to watch this fucking horseshit? Last night’s game was such a bore that I decided to troll the ‘net for porn after the Flyers game ended.
Is there anything compelling going on in this league, with the exception of the perennially compelling Dallas Cowboys? (As the editor of Sports Illustrated often says, if you have nothing to write about, write about the Cowboys.) The league’s a wholesale Suck-O-Rama right now. There are no great teams. Even the presumptive marquee matchups, such as last week’s Bears/Pats disaster, are executed with the precision of a rusted homemade tattooing device. It’s just plain gross.
Even the teams with the best records have glaring flaws; there isn’t a single team that can’t be counted on to routinely get in its own way with dumb penalties, blown assignments, or botched clock management. The Colts are thriving based almost exclusively on a preternatural tendency for opposing kickers to shank field goals. The Bears have a dominant defense but a quarterback who looks like Fran Tarkenton – right now, at age 66! Jake Delhomme has turned into a blackened Cajun pumpkin in Carolina, Denver can’t get any consistent quarterback play and has gassed its defense out of its former dominance, Seattle’s run defense and offensive line have fallen off a cliff, and the Giants are apparently the Ya-Ya Sisterhood on a futile quest for the traveling pants.
The Cowboys are playing the best football in the league right now, but they’re presently being carried by a quarterback with five career starts, they have no placekicker, and their coach has one foot in the grave and the other foot on a banana peel.
Somehow, I don’t foresee people lining up around the block to clamor for next Thursday’s Browns/Steelers tilt, either. Even if people are interested in seeing the game, when they find out it’s being called by Bryant Gumbel, they’re going to stick the NFL Network on their V-Chip.
Seriously, Bryant effing Gumbel? They couldn’t have found someone who doesn’t irritate the god-almighty batshit out of 97% of the populace? Bryant Gumbel’s Q Rating is “W.”
Man Law: If you are a man, you do not drink Miller Lite.
The next dopey “Man Law” ad needs to feature Norm Macdonald impersonating Burt Reynolds. “Yah, Turd Ferguson. [chomp chomp] It’s a funny name.”
Anyway, let’s get on to the picks, just so no one can say I’m cuttin’ an’ runnin’. I’m gonna see it through, even if it’s a poor idea from the start that’s been executed in an embarrassing fashion.
The picks this week are brought to you by TurdVision, the nation’s largest cable provider that carries the NFL Network. Move to the Poopling Pines Trailer Park in Possum Ridge, Arkansas, and enjoy TurdVision!
Baltimore at Cincinnati
-Problem with Cincinnati defense: The wrong people are in prison.
Pick: Of the teams I thought might finally give Baltimore’s offense its long-overdue comeuppance, I gotta admit I didn’t think it’d be the Bengals.
Arizona at St Louis
-Edgerrin James hoping NFL permits him to carry the ball with an open switchblade in the other hand.
-Week 1: I don’t know much of anything about the Rams and don’t much care.
-Week 13: I’ve learned something about the Rams: There’s no need for me to care.
Pick: Arizona
Atlanta at Washington
-Unconfirmed reports out of Atlanta have Michael Vick inseminating groupies under the alter-ago “Ed Paraguay.”
Pick: Coach Killa!
No, actually, I’m gonna go with Washington here.
Dallas at New York Only One Stupid Nickname A Week From Now On Giants
-In the Giants, you have a team where clearly everyone is not pulling on the same end of the rope. It’s hard to strangle your coach that way.
-Matchup between the NFL’s two greatest Leechbacks: Marion Barber (9 TDs vs. Julius Jones’ 3) and Brandon Jacobs (8 TDs vs. Tiki Barber’s 1).
Pick: How ‘bout them Cowboys?
Detroit at New England
-A mob of angry Lions fans in disguises dragged Matt Millen out into the street to execute him, but before they managed to hold him down, a random passer-by had already shot him.
Pick: New England
Indianapolis at Tennessee
-Indy wins again by 3 after Tennessee’s kicker misses a field goal. You know this is finally Peyton Manning’s year if they go on to face the Cowboys in the Super Bowl.
-Vince Young’s game management skills so far have been even more impressive than his raw skill; most fans still seem to think he’s a dumb guy, but he’s from Houston – everyone in Houston sounds like that.
Pick: Indy
Jacksonville at Miami
-Needle on the “Del Rio Meter” pointing toward “Idiot” this week. (Note: other end of gauge says “Idiot.”)
-Nick Saban, 2005: Ride players’ and assistant coaches’ asses in training camp like there’s no tomorrow and it takes them until week 10 to recover from the beating.
-Nick Saban, 2006: Ride players’ and assistant coaches’ asses in training camp like there’s no tomorrow and it takes them until week 10 to recover from the beating.
-Hmm…
Pick: Miami
Kansas City at Cleveland
-I’m praying for more characteristically improvident decision-making by the Browns organization; maybe Romeo Crennel will be coaching the Eagles next season.
Pick: Kansas City
Minnesota at Chicago
-If you have any money burning a hole in your pocket, put it on Minnesota getting 9 points. Vikings DBs dropped approximately 5 potential interceptions the first time these teams played each other, and the Vikings have the best run defense in the NFL. If you can get a side bet on Darren Sharper’s interceptions versus Grossman’s TD passes, load up on that sumbitch as well.
Pick: Minnesota
New York Jets at Green Bay
-Ah, remember when the Packers had a home field advantage? It vanished when Ron Mexico was just a glint in our collective eye. (Note: I think Brett Favre was still around when that happened.)
Pick: Jets
San Diego at Buffalo
-Shawne Merriman is finally back off his suspension. Next week he’s going to fail a test for J.P. Losman’s bile.
-San Diego Chargers: Soon to be known as the “Toronto Football Blue Jays.”
-Buffalo Bills: Slightly later to be known as the “San Diego Football Padres.”
Pick: San Diego
San Francisco at New Orleans
-This is the televised noon game here on Sunday. Yeah. Seriously.
-No. 1 rusher in the NFC versus no. 1 total offense in the NFC. What? This?
Pick: New Orleans
Tampa Bay at Pittsburgh
-Two teams with nothing going for them except an inflated sense of self-importance.
Pick: Pittsburgh
Houston at Oakland
-Keys to Oakland success: replace completely unqualified offensive coordinator with really horrible one.
-Art Shell: he’s not just an incompetent boob, he’s also a paranoid schizophrenic.
Pick: Houston
Seattle at Denver
-Application for starting QB in Denver: question 1, “Are You John Elway?”
-Anyone buying into the hype regarding Ohio State QB Troy Smith, please note that the Seahawks already have Troy Smith: His name is Seneca Wallace.
Pick: Denver
Carolina at Philadelphia
-In a game between a mediocre team and a team that just flat-out isn’t trying, always load up on the mediocre one.
-Andy Reid’s incredible girth a nearly insurmountable setback in effigy-building.
Pick: Carolina 24-10
Note: for downtrodden Eagles fans, I bring you this:
Those were the days, huh?
OK, show’s over. ‘Till next week… don’t eat the brown acid.
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