Friday, September 29, 2006

AROUND THE NFL WITH MATTY! Weak 4 (and yes I spelled that correctly)

See? Cheaters do win!

A hearty sub-cockle welcome to all of you, and welcome to this week’s exciting episode of Around The NFL With Matty (ATNFLWM!)!! This week, we are actually going to go around the NFL and discuss each team in depth. The ins and outs of each team will be dissected and the intestines will be left on the floor. Of that, you can be sure! So, lets get right to it! We’ll go alphabetically:

Atlanta Falcons: ATNFLWM is proud to provide you this scoop (seriously!): Michael Vick has come down with a rare form of puss-inducing..zzzz-snap-zzzz

We now interrupt this explanation of Michael Vick’s VD problems for this message from the Office of the Commissioner of the National Football League:

Hello! I’m Roger Goodell, and I’m the commissioner of the National Football League, and I want to personally welcome all of you to another terrific season of…hey! What are you doing under my desk?

Uhh… nothing, nothing at all.

I can’t believe you’re still here! I told you I’m running the show now! Can’t you get that through your thick monkey-skull?

Monkey-wha...? I just think we need to discuss this HGH thing a bit more than we have.

Naah, its not a problem. Its all good, just like Mobile ESPN.

That’s what I was afraid you’d say. I think you should take a look at something…


OH MY GOD! What is that THING?!?

Umm... right… I've been heading up a secret experiment over at the NFL Secret Bunker Lab (sponsored by Coors Rocky Mountain Refreshment!). We've identified an HGH compound we believe is in common use in the league.

That doesn't explain that monstrosity...[points]


Oh, right. We locked Stuart Scott in a padded room with only a mirror and a supply of Luna bars pumped to the brim with HGH. And, well, this is the result.


I don't really see why that was necessary... but, maybe this is a bigger issue than I though. How long has he been in there? Ten, twelve weeks?

Ten minutes.

BOO YAH!!! [drools]


And now its time to pick the games until they scab and bleed! But first, ATNFLWM is brought to you by:

Turd Burglers! The new film starring Rob Schneider! What would happen if an ordinary business man was, through a freak accident, suddenly turned into a turd! And then stolen by some mafia guys! Hilarity will ensue, thats what! Come see Turd Burglers, starring Rob Schneider!

and by:

New T.O. Brand Asprin. The brand that will get people talking!
Person 1: Hey! Whats that?
Person 2: I need a new contract. [falls over]

And now its time to pick the games until they scab and bleed! But first, in deference to the Man, all picks were tested by being injected into the eyes of baby seals.

Arizona at Atlanta
-Theres only one thing that can stop Michael Vick and his sub-50% completion percentage: Michael Vick and his sub-30% completion percentage! Go Falcs!
-In show of solidarity toward their quarterback, entire Cardinals team plans to simultaneously fumble.
Pick: Atlanta

Dallas at Tennessee
Pick: Dallas

Indianapolis at NY Jets
-Has anyone seen the commercial where Peyton Manning comes out of a football at midfield like an alien coming out of an egg (or something)? What the F is up with that S?
Pick: Indy

Miami at Houston
-At over 260 lbs., Dante Culpepper apparently a larger joke than I thought.
-Last week I watched the Redskins/Houston game, and wow, are the Texans bad. Seriously, they're terrible. I'm not sure if they're better than the Raiders or not, but they'd give them a run for their crapiness.
Pick: Miami

Minnesota at Buffalo
-JP Losman like OJ Simpson, minus talent and murders.
-Cleaning out my basement the other day I came across the remains of an old newspaper that had mostly decomposed into dirt. I did find a small bit that was readable, which contained the date, July 7, 1972. This makes it official: Brad Johnson is older than dirt.
Pick: Minnesota

New Orleans at Carolina
-Glad we solved that whole New Orleans thing.
-Panthers are team version of Eli Manning: they don't bother actually playing until the end.
Pick: Carolina

San Diego at Baltimore
-MFSAFP(p!)! Fearless Prediction #1: Steve McNair will tear something this week!
-Chargers head coach Marty Schottenheimer had a terrible dream last night. He dreamt he had won an NFL game, but was not wearing any pants. Thank God it was just a dream... or was it!
Pick: Baltimore

San Francisco at Kansas City
-With loss of Vernon Davis, 49ers down to only one talented player left, and unfortunately Steve Young is retired.
-If you know anyone who can play quarterback in the NFL, please call 1-800-KCC-HIEF immediately.
Pick: KC

Detroit at St Louis
-Matt Millen hatching devious and overly complicated plan to lose
-Did you know if you stare at Mike Martz long enough and relax your eyes, you'll see a sail boat?
Pick: St. Louis

Cleveland at Oakland
-Raiders might be only team in NFL history better off without a head coach.
-Originally it was thought that Cleveland Tight End Kellen Winslow, Jr. would be out this week after being hit by an asteroid. However, subsequent research revealed that it wasn't an asteroid at all, but a bowl of rice pudding launched by Romeo Crennel.
Pick: Cleveland

Jacksonville at Washington
-Jacksonville QB Byron Leftwich, who grew up in Washington DC, has spent the week regaling the media with stories about how he used to sneak into RFK to urinate. Like that makes him special or something. Who in DC hasn't done that?
-Crazy Clinton Portis' new character: Injury Man! Ha ha! Stop it, Clinton, my sides hurt! OWW! Hey, its working!
Pick: Jacksonville

New England at Cincinnati
-Game has been forfeited to New England, as entire Bengals team has been preemptively arrested.
-Tom Brady would like you to give his receivers back now, please. He doesn't think this is very funny.
Pick: Cincinnati

Seattle at Chicago
-Example of effectiveness of Chicago defense: Mike Holmgren went outside Chicago hotel with cup of coffee. He was about to take a sip, when Mike Brown came out of nowhere to bat it away.
Pick: Chicago

Green Bay at Philadelphia
-City of Philadelphia has new plan to eliminate excess waste: feed it to Andy Reid! Cause he's fat and he'll eat it!
-MFSAFP(p!)! Fearless Prediction #2: Brett Favre throws 5 interceptions this week!
-There has been a disappearance of prescription bottles in the Philadelphia area over the past 24 hours. Anyone who knows anything about this is urged to contact the Philadelphia area Police Department as soon as possible.
Pick: Points: 28

Next Week: I stick a can of coke up my ass and call it art. Stay tuned!

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