BILL'S SEND-UP: WEEK 4

Week 4: Another Morning at the Doot Factory

Despite the fact that it has long been ejected from the ranks of timely issues by the ever-evolving saga of T. Eldorado Owens, I would like to take a moment to address one Alex Rodriguez (aka “Slappy McBluelips”).

The watershed cover story by Tom Verducci in last week’s Sports Illustrated stated that Jason Giambi (Fig. 1) recently took A-Job to task about his performance and incongruous demeanor. (Evidently Giambi is one of a small handful of Yankees who even so much as speak to A-Job.) A-Job apparently took his typical pablum-puking tack in response, downplaying his recent slump and being entirely too nonconfrontational, especially in light of the fact that he is an American (?) male (?) professional athlete.

A-Job most likely made a mental note to discuss this interpersonal mini-crisis with his therapist, but it should have been addressed more like this:

GIAMBI: Hey man, this team really needs you to come up with some big hits. Stick with it, man, and if there’s anything I can do to help you, let me know, alright?

A-ROD: Hey, last I checked, you was a steroid cheat, and I don’t see no ma’fuckin’ rings on yo’ fingaz, BEYOTCH. So raise up offa my bid-nasss.

Alas, didn’t happen; won’t ever happen. So in lieu, what I’m hoping for is this:

The Yankees coast into the playoffs and muddle through a Division Series victory against the Wild-Card Tigers with no help whatsoever from A-Rod. However, the public is too busy wondering how in the bloody hell the Tigers made it to the postseason with Neifi Perez batting leadoff, Justin Verlander pitching like Joe Cowley, and the team hacking wildly at 57-foot sliders to the tune of 10 Ks a game that the spotlight doesn’t train too strongly on A-Rod. Yet.

In the ALCS versus the Twins, the Yankees struggle for dear life, needing seven games and several acts of God to survive. (Not to mention Jeffrey Maier, Jr. – boy, do I feel old!) A-Rod doesn’t have a single RBI in the entire series and the press and fans’ restlessness is straining the confines of the proverbial chart. (Or “meat hook” if you’re Stu Scott. BOO-YAH!)

This, friends, is where it shall get truly magical. In a World Series widely viewed as a cakewalk before it even commenced, the Yankees struggle to put away their seemingly overmatched opponents, the Los Angeles Dodgers. A-Job strands runner after runner and, as the glare of the public and press grows more intense by the minute, Joe Torre sticks with his embattled third baseman, knowing that only a single clutch hit will turn the tide of public opinion. That hit, however, just does not come. Through six games, A-Rod has but a single hit, nary an RBI, and has stranded a staggering 236 runners on base.

In Game 7, despite an absolute maelstrom of public outcry demanding that A-Job be stapled to the bench and left for dead, Torre again sends him out to start. With A-Rod 0-for-4 with three strikeouts, the Yankees somehow win the World Championship in extra innings.

However, despite all the engrossing strategy and thrilling nuance of a closely contested World Series, all Joe Buck and Tim McCarver can talk about are A-Rod’s shortcomings. And when the Yankees players and coaches flood the field after their walk-off victory, the cameras are steadily trained on A-Rod’s quivering blue lips and his eyes welling with tears, completely overshadowing the team’s world championship.

Even without the nonsensical ramblings of Buck and McCarver, it is plainly apparent that the Yankees have won the World Series plainly despite the performance of Alex Rodriguez. And likewise, it completely eclipses the team’s success throughout the offseason.

In short, this will be the greatest theatre in baseball history.

And now we fast-forward to opening day of the 2007 season, and Citizens Bank Park public address announcer Dan Baker:

“Batting third, at third base, Aaaaaaalex Rodrigueeeeeeezzz!”

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Now, as I am completely spent, I am completely half-assing my football picks. If you tuned in for comedy, I suggest scrolling down and checking out Kid Matty’s compelling photo essay and complementary PhotoShop hack job on Stu Scott. I wholly endorse this product or service.

Arizona at Atlanta
-Fuck Kurt Warner. And fuck Jesus.
Pick: Atlanta

Dallas at Tennessee
-Jeff Fisher should kick Kerry Collins in the balls. If that doesn’t work, time to start Vince Young.
Pick: Dallas

Indianapolis at NY Jets
-Eric Mangini reminds Peyton Manning of Bill Belichick. Peyton will make a mess in his pants but rally to give his team a victory.
Pick: Indianapolis. But they won’t cover.

Miami at Houston
-The Match Game Bowl: “Both these teams are soooo bad…. HOW BAD ARE THEY!??”
-Wes Welker: New Fantasy Stud.
Pick: Miami

Minnesota at Buffalo
-The clash of the titans: Brad Johnson’s physical limitations versus J.P. Losman’s mental limitations.
Pick: Minnesota

New Orleans at Carolina
-Matty may be America’s foremost comic genius, but he once referred with impunity to New Orleans as a “river of vomit and turds.” Clearly, he hates us for our freedom.
Pick: Carolina (Monday night hangover in play here)

San Diego at Baltimore
-Even if the Chargers lose, they still live in San Diego. Even if the Ravens win, they still live in Baltimore.
Pick: San Diego

San Francisco at Kansas City
-From the “I Got To See It In Person” file: How can a 310-pound defensive lineman run for a 98-yard touchdown? When the other team’s two fastest players both get injured simultaneously on the play.
-Arrowhead Stadium retractable roof proposal referendum was defeated, but coming soon to a ballot near you is an new initiative to install a blackout curtain separating the crowd from the playing field.
Pick: San Francisco

Detroit at St Louis
-What are the odds that a Detroit coach would drop his pants in public and it wouldn’t be Mike Martz?
-What are the odds that neither Matty nor I could get through one week without making reference to this?
Pick: St. Louis

Cleveland at Oakland
-Net effect of the Raiders coming off a bye week: the accumulation of two weeks’ worth of stale, stupid ideas.
-Game plan for Raiders first-time starting QB Andrew Walter: take the snap and drop back through the tunnel into the parking lot.
Pick: Cleveland

Jacksonville at Washington
-Last week Red$kins QB Mark Brunell set an NFL record for consecutive passes by way of a little-known NFL rule: he completed 22 straight passes from his left hand to his right hand.
Pick: Jacksonville

New England at Cincinnati
-Think of Bill Belichick right now as Steve Spurrier when he first came into the NFL: he’s obviously crazy, but he’s just smart enough that you can’t take his team for granted. (But they still stink.)
-Pick: Cincinnati

Seattle at Chicago
-Little-known fact about new Seahawks starting RB Maurice Morris: in Australia his name is pronounced “Morris Morris.”
-Former Eagles coach chokes on Seahawks’ left offensive guard. Film at eleven…
Pick: Chicago

Green Bay at Philadelphia
-In light of Eagles secondary injuries: Where’s Izel Jenkins when you need him?
-Newest method of Andy Reid to emulate Patriots’ championship methods: blatantly lie about injuries on a weekly basis.
-In a related story, Donte Stallworth was run over by a taxi, but he’s listed as questionable because Brian Westbrook’s leg was amputated grafted onto Stallworth’s body. You figure it out.
Pick: Dah Iggles, 28-17

Stay tuned next week for Jackie Martling’s Joke Hunt. Until then… AMF!