Week 2: The Search for More Money!
Much like an airline attendant who arrived at the same time you did, welcome to Week 2! We here at Around The NFL With Matty Headquarters (ATNFLWMHQ) strive to give you, the reader, the strongest, the best, the most incisive football coverage available. We usually end up settling for poop jokes instead (“What did the priest say to the rabbi? POOOP!”), but this week, dear reader, this week shall be different.
[four days later...]
This week, due to laziness on the part of the entire crew here at ATNFLWM (read: me) we're going to hold off on the actual football analysis and go straight to the poop jokes! Yay!
But first, a word from our sponsors. ATNFLWM is sponsored by…
1-900-DickJokes. Dick jokes anytime of the day or night.
The Delaware Board of Tourism, who reminds you, that Delaware is not as bad as you stink.
And now to the picks!
But first, in deference to The Man, ATNFLWM would like to remind you that these picks are not for use in some states (sorry Oklahoma!) and may cause itching and/or anal leakage.
KC at Chicago
-After last week's performance, “Sexy Rexy” downgraded to “Mildy Repulsive Rexy”
-Chiefs already secretly interviewing potential head coaching candidates. According to a source, their list contains Rick Venturi, Carrot Top, and Great Googily Moogily guy from Snickers commercial.
-Pizzeria Uno now offering “Rex Grossman Sandwich” which is a roast beef with extra special sauce that the waiter drops on the way over to your table.
Cincinnati at Cleveland
-In order to take focus off how terrible his team is, Cleveland coach Romeo Crennel has decided to begin executing dogs for fun.
-Cincinnati coach Marvin Lewis’ ankle surgery will keep him on the sideline for 6-8 weeks, whereupon he will return to the sideline.
Houston at Carolina
-Texans lead league in all important Hat Size Index
-“Dom Capers Bowl” winner gets to not hire Dom Capers
Indianapolis at Tennessee
-If you rearrange the letters in “Titans” you get “Ans Tits”
-Colts center Jeff Saturday named by teammates as “most likely to enjoy pegging”
Atlanta at Jacksonville
-On Halloween, who will be the first to dress their dog up like Michael Vick? My guess? Michael Vick!
-Thanks to Joey Harrington, Falcons merchandising machine as effective as Falcons offense
Buffalo at Pittsburgh
-Dude, if JP Losman could surf in Buffalo, he totally would.
-Steeler’s victory over Cleveland in week 1 proves that teams can succeed despite spittle.
Baltimore at NY Jets
-Amount of effort involved in a typical Chad Pennington pass is equivalent to that required for one revolution of my hamster Cheez Doodle’s hamster wheel.
-Eric Mangini: NFL Cheetos Champion
-Last weeks videotaping incident nothing compared to what happens each night in Brian Billick’s bedroom.
Detroit at Minnesota
-With Fred Smoot gone, Vikings have downgraded team-building plans. This year: Sex Bus.
Denver at Oakland
-ATNFLWM has breaking news: Raiders finally sign 1965 2nd rounder Fred Biletnikoff!
-To prove that anyone can successfully run behind their offensive line, Mike Shannahan has signed Pepsi machine.
Dallas at Miami
-Wade Phillips everything that Bill Parcells isn't. Except fat.
-Drew Bledsoe still holding out for Cowboys starting quarterback job.
Arizona at Seattle
-In off season, Mike Holmgren rents out mustachioed upper lip to family of badgers.
-Cardinals redefine 'success' as 'losing'
NY "Tastee" Giants at Green Bay
-If all quarterbacks would run up to him and then fall over, Michael Strahan would be the all time single season record holder in sacks. Wait a minute...
-Eli Manning has a boo-boo! Bwaaaah! Bwaaaah!
Pick: Green Bay
New Orleans at Tampa
-Its time for ATNFLWM's favorite segment, Did You Know?
Did You Know that New Orleans head coach Sean Payton was a scab quarterback for the Chicago Bears? Its true!
Did You Know that New Orleans head coach Sean Payton has more than 47 different types of VD? Its true!
Pick: New Orleans
San Diego at New England
-Patriots weren't filming defensive signals, but instead, Jets' cheerleaders.
-San Diego head coach Norv Turner is living embodiment of the Peter Principal (which, by the way, has nothing to do with his peter).
Pick: New England
San Francisco at St. Louis
-This is my Bye game. Please move along. No jokes here.
Pick: San Francisco
Washington at Philadelphia
-In effort to prevent his kids from doing drugs, Andy Reid broke into their rooms and ate everything.
-If Eagles lose this game, entire city will line up and jump off Ben Franklin Bridge. Why will they line up? Because this is a civilized city, bitches.
-Over/under on Cheesesteak sightings during ESPN MNF broadcast set at 7. Take the over.
Next Week: I join a knitting group and repair my socks. Stay tuned!