AROUND THE NFL WITH MATTY! WEEK 1!!!

It’s a bird! No, its an airplane!

No, no. It’s just a bird.

NO again! It’s The Week One Edition of Around The NFL With Matty (TWOEOATNFLWM!!!)!!!

A hip ‘n happening how’dee do to ya, folks. Lots has happened since we called it quits on last season. For instance, I got married! Then I got divorced! Then I got married again! Then divorced again! And now, I’m married again, but engaged to be divorced.

But none of that goboldy gook has one pure Michael Irvin ounce to do with football.

And the following won’t either! I recognize that some of you are new to this phenomenon called ATNFLWM. For the benefit of those newbies as well as any of you who have been reading this since its inception ten years ago (Bill), I’d like to present “What The Hell Is This Crap You Call Around The NFL With Matty (WTHITCYCATNFLWM?!)”?!

So, what is this crap?
ATNFLWM is a weekly column written by yours truly, that attempts to get inside, deep inside, the NFL. You’ll get individual game analysis, informed predictions, interviews with NFL luminaries, and of course, poop jokes. Well, mostly poop jokes, actually.

Why is it published here on a blog that only ten people read?
Because nobody else would publish it. ATNFLWM has offended everyone at one point or another, including its author, who swore he’d have nothing more to do with it years ago. How’d that work out?

Who cares?
Nobody, really.

I don’t remember hearing about this before.
If I’d mentioned it before, would you have joined the pool? Right, I didn’t think so.

Is there any actual football-related content?
Not really, no. Did I mention that there are poop jokes?

So, I have to slog through this crap each week?
Yup. If you want to be in-the-know about all things NFL, by which I mean ‘poop jokes.’

Damn.
Such is life. Sorry.

So, it’s a new season here at ATNFLWM. If memory serves, this is the 70th year I’ve been writing this column. Yes, I’m older than Dr. Z, and just as crotchety, but I don’t smell like sour milk.

Last season, ATNFLWM was blessed to have a companion column, the Sunday Crap-o-Rama, written by one Capt’n William H. O. M. O. Denton, III. Esquire. Mr. Denton is currently drunk, but hopefully he’ll sober up enough to grace us all with his immense… uh… umm… talent. Consider this column a proverbial shot across Mr. Denton’s bow.

Bring it bitch.

Now its time to thank our sponsors. Why? Because nobody would write crap like this for free. ATNFLWM is brought to you by:

The new FOX reality show: America has herpes!

And by…

Exclamation Points!! Use one today!

As always, in deference to The Man, these picks are not to be used as a contraceptive device.

To the picks!!

New Orleans @ Indianapolis
-When Saints come to the line they’re as likely to hear commercials for Mastercard as they are the snap count.
-If one measures yardage from sideline to sideline Reggie Bush was NFL’s leading rusher last year.
Pick: Colts

KC @ Houston
-As only star on the team, Houston wide receiver Andre Johnson gets first choice of post-game crack rock.
-Actual Vegas Line: 2:1 odds that Herm Edwards says or does something to out-crazy Dennis Green’s famed “Crown their ass!” speech.
-These teams are headed in opposite directions. KC is going backwards while Houston is going left.
Pick: Houston

Miami @ Washington
-Pre-game ceremony will feature a Superbowl 14 Old Timers game wherein the cracking of helmets will be exceeded only by the cracking of hips.
-Many pundits are expecting big things from Redskins this season. Personally, I expect something big too: a huge turd.
-Redskins runningback Clinton Portis pregame speech to team to feature references to “celery”, “scrambled eggs” and “donkey doots.”
-My application to have my apartment officially christened “Raljon Maryland, Pennsylvania” is pending.
-In vote by fellow coaches, Joe Gibbs voted “Most Likely To Die”
Pick: Redskins

Denver @ Buffalo
-Reprinted from last season because I think its f’n funny:
Dude,
J.
P.
Losman
=
Awesome.
That is all
Pick: Denver

Carolina @ St. Louis
-Jake Delhomme makes Jay Schroeder look like Fran Tarkinton. In a related story, my comedy makes Carrot Top look like George F’n Carlin.
Pick: St. Louis

Pittsburgh @ Cleveland
-Steeler’s pre-season woes can be traced to a lack of spittle.
-Romeo Crennel has attempted to replicate famed Notre Dame “Play like a champion” sign in Browns locker room. But due to a lawsuit, the wording has to be changed. Crennel is trying to decide between “Play like a winner” and “Check again: are you wearing pants?”
Pick: Steelers

Atlanta @ Minnesota
-ATNFLWM is proud to present the first official Michael Vick Dogfighting Joke of the 07-08 NFL Season (FOMVDFJOT07-08NFLS):
Federal investigation into potential dog fighting charges began after the Falcons beat the Cleveland Browns two seasons ago. Federal authorities were alerted when, on his way to the locker room, Vick reported shouted at the famed ‘Dawg Pound’, “I’ll electrocute all y’all bitches!”
Sank yoo very much. I vill bee heer all zee veek.
-Cognizant of potential fan backlash, Falcons are planning to offer give away to entice fans to come to first home game. As such, first 10,000 fans in attendance will receive the Arthur Blank Drives a Bus Over Michael Vick bobblehead doll!
-Who would have thought that Michael Vick would end up with more prison time than brother Marcus?
Pick: Atlanta

Tennessee @ Jacksonville
-Jaguars must be careful running too close to Tennessee sideline or risk being tripped up by Jeff Fischer’s mustache.
-Vince Young preparing Hall of Fame speech in which he will thank hizself and only hizself, yo. ATNFLWM has obtained a partial copy, printed below for your edification:
Young: “I’d like to thank me. I did it. I don’t need all y’all bitches. *&%&* You! Thank you very much.”
Pick: Jacksonville

New England @ New York Jets
-Bill Belechick to add ‘crocs’ to wardrobe. Wardrobe now includes stained sweatshirts and crocs. An earlier report wherein wardrobe contained pants has been debunked.
-After season Eric Mangini will face off against Andy Reid in the First Annual NFL Coaches Pie Eat.
-Randy Moss expected to be good citizen now that he’s wearing a Patriots uniform. Listen people, you can dress my cat up as a whore, but she’s still a cat.
Pick: Patriots

Philadelphia @ Green Bay
-How good are the Packers going to be this season? Let me answer that like this: The other day I walked out of my apartment and was hit in the ass by a pass from Brett Favre.
-Only solution to Andy Reid’s family problems: eat his family.
Pick: E-A-G-L-E-S BLEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!

Detroit @ Oakland
-Mike Martz makes Buddy Ryan look like Bill Walsh.
-ATNFLWM has learned that Martz has a closet full of mannequins which he lovingly caresses before going to bed each night?
-Raiders chances of a winning season about the same as them signing their number one pick: zilch, bitches!
Pick: Oakland

Chicago @ San Diego
-The difference between Marty Schottenheimer and Norv Turner: Schottenheimer waits until the post-season to choke.
Pick: San Diego

Tampa Bay @ Seattle
-Bucs collecting quarterbacks in case any are injured by flying cannonballs.
-Try as I might, I can’t come up with anything hilarious to say about Seattle. Wait! No, never mind.
Pick: Seattle

New York Giants @ Dallas
-Cowboys fans as full of hope as Cowboys fans pants are full of poop.
-With Bill Parcells gone, who will supply team with sweet sweet breast milk?
-Tom Coughlin expecting 8:05 game to start at 7:55.
Pick: Dallas

Baltimore @ Cincinnati
-The Cincy offense versus the Baltimore defense is called a “great match up time.” The Baltimore offense versus the Cincy defense is called “Checking to see how much lint is in your ass crack time.”
Pick: Cincy

Arizona @ San Francisco
-Cardinals best hope for victorious season: NFL goes out of business.
-49ers named NFL’s surprise team of the year by Alex Smith’s parents.
Pick: San Francisco

Next Week: I pair a ’67 merlot with a can of Spray Cheez! Stay tuned!