Week 6: Update

Happy f'n Monday to ya. This week I hope we all learned a valuable lesson: never ever ever ever ever pick the Washington Redskins to win a football game. Never never never ever. This is your brain, this is your brain after picking the Washington Redskins to win a football game. Any questions?

To the pool(poop!)!

Because Alex Mena and I both totally blow, we decided to team up this week. That's right folks, we've got you out numbered. Between my six wins and his five, we've got 11 which is four more than anyone else has. Yay! We win! We kicked y'all's arse!

... Wait... I'm hearing I can't do that. Damn! I don't remember making up that rule... well poop.

You'll find that this week's update is entirely different and far more confusing than last week when we were all taken out to the woodshed by John Weaver. That is proverbially speaking of course, as John is a good and decent citizen of this country who would never, ever take anything out to the woodshed. Except wood. And that guy who said that thing in high school. And that hot chick. But that was purely consensual. His lawyers swear.

This week we've got three people with nine wins so far. But, those peeps, Bill Denton, Joey Bansen, and Dave "Dollars" Labowitz, all picked Denver to win tonight. If Denver wins, it'll come down to those three peeps, but if not, Gedeon Mariam, George Smith, and Josh Money will all be there to pick up the slack. All of them have eight wins and picked San Diego to win tonight. (Full disclosure: I also picked San Diego to win so San Diego has no chance to win.)

So here's the duel break down. Prepare yourself for some serious breaking down... well that didn't come out right. Moving on.

If Denver wins, the point break down is as follows:

Dave - 35 - wins if total score is 37 or below
Bill - 38 - wins if total score is exactly 38, 39, or 40 (you're f'd Bill)
Joey - 41 - wins if total score is 41 or over

Remember folks, you can still win the pool if you lose the Monday Night game. So, if San Diego wins (won't happen) we've got six people in the running. Here's the point break down:

Dave - 35 - wins if total is between 0 and 37
Bill - 38 - never wins no matter what. if points total 38, 39, or 40, splits WSP with Josh.
Josh - 38 - see "Bill"
Joey - 41 - never wins no matter what. if points are between 41 and 55, splits WSP with George.
George - 41 - see "Joey"
Gedeon - 56 - if points total 56 or more, wins again, buys expensive house in the Hamptons, employs half the state as butlers.

You people are some seriously uncreative point pickers.* I tried to come up with a second tie-breaker, but nooooooooooooooooooooo idontwantitidontwantitnonononononononitsnotfairitsnotfairjonstovereatspoopjonstovereatspoopwaaaahhhhh!!!!

Good luck, happy Monday, and I'll be back tomorrow with the Week 6 results and the schedule for Week 7.
__
*I, also, picked 41.

Week 6: Schedule

Week 6 begins this Sunday, at 1pm EST so, of course, I'll need your picks by then. Here's the schedule:

Houston at Cincinnati
Detroit at Green Bay
St. Louis at Jacksonville
Baltimore at Minnesota
NY "Metrosexual" Giants at New Orleans
Cleveland at Pittsburgh
Carolina at Tampa Bay
Kansas City at Washington
Philadelphia at Oakland
Arizona at Seattle
Tennessee at New England
Buffalo at NY Jets
Chicago at Atlanta
Denver at San Diego (total points)
.

Week 5: Results

Week 5 is in the books, and as I said yesterday, we all got thoroughly dominated by one man. Who is that (masked? pantless?) man?

I'm going to make you wait a few more seconds for the answer. First a note. Last week my brother failed to send in his picks. That's always been a tough thing for me to handle. You want to balance kindness - sometimes for whatever reason it's hard to get your picks in on time - to the individual with understanding for the others in the pool(poop!) who did send their picks in on time. The thing is though, $125 is real money. It's not thousands of dollars, and most of us come out only a few dollars up or down over the course of the year, but I don't pretend that it isn't important.

So, when someone is late with their picks or doesn't send them in at all, I've tried a bunch of different tactics to penalize them without ruining their whole season in one foul swoop. One year I tried automatically giving that person the favorites. And one person actually won a week that way, which made me re-think that rule, as well as spawning the "you can't win a week if you don't turn in your picks" rule. One year I tried just giving the home teams automatically. But again, depending on the week by not turning in your picks you can end up with a better record than someone who didt turn in their picks. Not fair, says I.

Which, two paragraphs in, brings me to my point. This year I've been giving the worst record accumulated that week to people who fail to get their picks in on time. Last week my brother forgot to send in his picks. But the worst record was 9-5, so my brother got a 9-5 record. Whew, he dodged a bullet there. Better get your head out of your butt and recognize.

So, this week, again, my brother didn't turn in his picks. He called just after wards to apologize, but it was too late. So this time I didn't want to leave it up to chance. He gots ta pay. So I took it upon myself to make sure he got a much worse record this week.

This all by way of saying when you are looking at the weekly standings and you see me at the very bottom, you can know that I did it for you. For you. For you...

So, to this week's Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) winner... John Weaver! You win a red snapper!

OK, Weaver, listen carefully! You can hold on to your red snapper, or you can go for whats in the box that Hiro-san is bringing down the isle right now!

Uh... I'll take whats in the box! I'll take the box!

You'll take the box... OK, now let's see what's in the box...[top of box is removed]... Nothing! Nothing! Absolutely nothing! ... STUPID! YOU SO STUPID!!!

Final standings for Week 5:

1. John Weaver ... 11-3
2. Jon Stover ... 10-4 (How's that Tennessee pick looking now, Jon? You'd have won by MNP.)
2. Joey Bansen ... 10-4
2. Dan Sinclair ... 10-4
5. Karl Vaillancourt ... 9-5
5. Josh Money ... 9-5
5. Bill Denton ... 9-5
5. Matthew Mariam ... 9-5
5. Dave Labowitz ... 9-5
5. Adam Roy ... 9-5 (Last week you bet on the Redskins, huh?)
5. Gedeon Mariam ... 9-5
5. George Smith ... 9-5
13. Alex Mena ... 8-6
14. Zack Klein ... 7-7
15. Sandy Kory ... 6-8
15. Matt Kory ... 6-8 (You're welcome)

Current Overall Standings (COS):

1. Gedeon Mariam ... 57-19
2. John Weaver ... 54-22
3. Adam Roy ... 53-23
3. Jon Stover ... 53-23
3. Joey Bansen ... 53-23
3. Bill Denton ... 53-23
7. Dan Sinclair ... 52-24
8. George Smith ... 51-25
8. Karl Vaillancourt ... 51-25
8. Josh Money ... 51-25
8. Dave Labowitz ... 51-25
12. Alex Mena ... 50-26
13. Zack Klein ... 48-28
13. Matthew Mariam ... 48-28
15. Sandy Kory ... 45-31
15. Matt Kory ... 45-31 (Don't come down to my hood and try pushin. I'll make you taste tha pain, son.)

Week 6 will begin at 1pm EST this Sunday afternoon. Have a great week, peeps, and congratulations to John Weaver. Week 6 schedule up shortly...

Week 5: Update: Now with More Numbers!

So I was going through the picks and I came across someone who picked St. Louis to beat Minnesota. To quote a great American, what an ultra maroon! I mean, really, are you just trying to lose? Does finishing in last place sound like fun? Seriously, what kind of idiot... ...what? It was me? Oh, right. Shit.

All you f'ers don't have a shot at last place. It's mine, you hear me? Mine! Get back in there! Down down down! Go go go! Mine mine mine! You can't compete with stupidity like... enough? OK, moving on.

We'll get to the pool update in a minute, but I thought it might be interesting to hear how everyone picked this week's games. Let me know in the comments section if you find crap like this interesting and maybe I'll keep doing it (bolded = winner).

100% Correct (Nobody picked these games incorrectly (even me))
*Pittsburgh at Detroit
*Dallas at Kansas City
*Oakland at NY "Titillating" Giants
*Tampa at Philadelphia

93% Correct (Only one idiot blew this one... guess who)
*Minnesota at St. Louis

87% Correct (You're trying too hard if you missed either of these)
*Washington at Carolina
*Indianapolis at Tennessee

73% Correct
*Houston at Arizona

60% Correct
Atlanta at San Francisco

47% Correct
Jacksonville at Seattle

27% Correct
New England at Denver

7% Correct (If you got this one, you're an rocket f'n scientist)
*Cincinnati at Baltimore

0% Correct (Not one of us houseplants got this one right)
*Cleveland at Buffalo

Usually in the weekly update I tell you that eight people are tied and it's going to come down to Monday Night Points (MNP). No such excitement this week, folks. Nope, we've already got a winner and ain't none of you is gonna catch him.

Who is he? Who is this masked man who swoops in before the Monday Night Game, steals the WSP, makes out with your wife, kisses your cat on the lips, leaves the orange juice open on the counter after drinking out of the container, and then busts through the window on his way out even though the door works perfectly well?

Tune in tomorrow to find out...

Week 5: Schedule

Here is the schedule for Week 5. Remember, I need all your picks by 1pm EST this Sunday, otherwise yr royally F'd.

Pittsburgh at Detroit
Washington at Carolina
Cleveland at Buffalo
Cincinnati at Baltimore
Dallas at Kansas City
Oakland at NY "Love to Love" Giants
Tampa at Philadelphia
Minnesota at St. Louis
Atlanta at San Francisco
Houston at Arizona
New England at Denver
Jacksonville at Seattle
Indianapolis at Tennessee
NY Jets at Miami (plus total points)

Have a great week.

Week 4: Results

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Week 4: Update

Several items to discuss here.

1) HOLY CRAP THE REDSKINS WON!!

2) Jon Stover would want me to also point out that HOLY CRAP THE BILLS SUCK!! (You're welcome, Jon.)

3) Lots of wins. With lots of favorites pulling it out, we had lots of wins for everyone this week. Yay. You should all feel super proud of yourselves. Except for my brother, who should be ashamed - ASHAMED - about what he did to that... well, lets just say it involved a chipmunk, a bowl of Cherry Garcia ice cream, and a cheap comedic devise.

So, the pool(poop!).

As of now, before the Monday Night game, there are five players tied with 11 wins. Four of those players picked Minnesota to win. Which means, if Minnesota wins, MONDAY NIGHT POINTS(MNP)!! The MNP distribution is definitely an odd one, as you shall see in a moment. If Minnesota wins, and the total score of the game is...

...between 0-42, Gedeon Mariam, who picked 42, will win
...43 or 44, Bill Denton, who picked 43, will win
...and if the score is 45 or above, Adam Roy and Josh Money will split the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) because both of them chose the same total points of 45 and I'm not making up a new tie-breaker.

Of course, all of that can be avoided if Green Bay wins, which will give the Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) to...

...

...

...

[keep scrolling]

...

alright, fine.

... [psych!]

ME! That's right me, your friendly neighborhood bottom-of-the-pool(poop!)-dweller. So, in other words, don't worry about it because Minnesota will win.

.