Week 5: Results: Now With Swearing!

Ah, the fickle tastes of Monday Night Points. 

You may recall from last night's hilarious update Week 5 had come down to a four person race.  Alex Mena and Gedeon Mariam both had 8 wins and had hitched their proverbial horse to Minnesota on Monday Night.  Matthew Mariam and I both had 7 wins and New York.  If New York won, it was a four way tie, if Minnesota won, it was a two way tie.

As you know by now New York won.  Meaning it came down to a four way tie, so we'd need Monday Night Points!  A quick recap:

If the total points scored is 53 or greater, Gedeon wins. If its 52 on the nose, Alex wins. If its between 45 and 51, Matthew wins. If its 44 or less, I win.

The final score was 29-20 for a total of 49 points meaning Matthew Mariam is this week's winner!  Congratulations to (IF FAVRE DOESN'T THROW THAT LAST DAMN PICK-6 WITH A MINUTE REMAINING THE SCORE TOTALS 42 AND I WIN THE DAMN POOL FUCK BRETT FAVRE FUCK HIM FUCK HIM FUCK HIM AAAAAAAHHHHHH!!! [INJURES WRIST HITTING SELF IN HEAD]) Matthew Mariam who is a worthy winner!  Good show, Matthew. 

Yes, Matthew, a hearty Well Done! this week.  And, for your fantastic efforts, you win this week's special prize!  An autographed photo of Brett Favre!  That I have shat on!  Enjoy! 

Before we go through the final standings, you should all know that it was a tough week all around.  So don't feel too badly when you see how you did.  When the pool is won by a someone with only eight games, well, you know it was a brutal week.  

We had several games that were almost impossible to call.  Only one person correctly picked Oakland over San Diego (ME ME ME!!) and only one person got Tampa beating Cincinnati (Gedeon Mariam).  Nobody picked New Orleans to lose to Arizona, and considering the repeatedly fluky luck involved, we should be congratulating ourselves for getting that one wrong.  If they play that game again twenty times, New Orleans wins it every time. 

The real deciders, so to speak, this week were Washington beating Green Bay (54% correct), Chicago beating Carolina (38% correct) and the New York "Workers Paradise" Giants absolutely crushing Houston (15%). 

Also, as a Redskins fan, it is my sworn duty to let you know the Cowboys lost and are 1-3.  

The final standings for Week 5 are as follows:

1. Matthew Mariam ... 8-6
1. Matthew Kory ... 8-6
1. Gedeon Mariam ... 8-6
1. Alex Mena ... 8-6
5. Jon Stover .. 7-7
5. Bill Denton ... 7-7
7. George Smith ... 6-8
7. Dave Labowitz ... 6-8
7. Robin Wood ... 6-8
7. Sandy Kory ... 6-8
7. Josh Money ... 6-8
7. Karl Vaillancourt ... 6-8
7. John Weaver ... 6-8
14. Zack Klein ... 5-9
15. Joey Bansen ... 4-10

We've got a new leader this week in the overall standings.  Well, not new new, but he's all by his lonesome for the first time, and that's Zack Klein.  John Weaver fell a game behind Zack while Alex Mena climbed into a second place tie. After that, things get murkier. 

1. Zack Klein ... 48-28
2. Alex Mena ... 47-29
2. John Weaver ... 47-29
4. George Smith ... 44-32
4. Matthew Kory ... 44-32
4. Bill Denton ... 44-32
4. Jon Stover ... 44-32
4. Josh Money ... 44-32
9. Matthew Mariam ... 43-33
10. Dave Labowitz ... 42-34
10. Gedeon Mariam ... 42-34
10. Sandy Kory ... 42-34
13. Karl Vaillancourt ... 41-35
14. Joey Bansen ... 39-39
15. Robin Wood ... 38-40

Week 6 Schedule to come.  Congrats again to Matthew Mariam, whom I'd like to formally invite to take a long walk off my newly painted short pier, preferably with some new and highly fashionable cement shoes.  I'll even spring for your pair! 

Have a great week everyone!*


*Except Matt.
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Week 5: Update

I am an idiot, but we'll cover that in a second. 

For now, Week 5 is a four person race.  The pack is led by Gedeon Mariam and Alex Mena, both with 8 wins, both of who have picked Minnesota to beat the Jets on Monday night.  That, my friends, is called an opening. 

Three people trail Gedeon and Alex by a game.  Jon Stover, Matthew Mariam, and yours truly - pause for shock - all have 7 wins so far and are thus a single game behind the leaders.  But, because Jon picked Minnesota as Gedeon and Alex did, he can't gain the necessary game on them.  So, sadly, he can't win the week.  So sorry, Jon. 

Contrary to Jon, Matthew and I both picked the Jets to beat Minnesota.  If that happens, there will be a four way tie between Alex, Gedeon, myself, and Matthew.  If it doesn't, the tie will be two way between Gedeon and Alex.

So here's the breakdown:

If Minnesota wins...

Gedeon and Alex will be tied with 9 wins so it'll come down to Monday Night Points!  Gedeon picked 53 total points and Alex picked 52 so if the score is 53 totals or greater Gedeon wins.  If it totals 52 or less, Alex wins. 

If New York wins...

Gedeon and Alex's 8 win party will be joined by Matthew and I.  Matthew picked 45 points and I picked 36.  So if the total points scored is 53 or greater, Gedeon wins.  If its 52 on the nose, Alex wins.  If its between 45 and 51, Matthew wins.  If its 44 or less, I win.  Go me. 

Oh, and why am I an idiot?  Well, let this be a lesson to all you kids out there.  When submitting your picks, make sure you've entered a pick for each game.  Not entering a pick for each game is like picking Buffalo to win - you may as well just not bother. 

If you check my picks for the week (I submit my picks before the first game into the comments section of each week's schedule post) I foolishly neglected to choose a winner between Denver and Baltimore.  I didn't chose either team, and so, in the words of a great American, I gets none. 

I'll tell you right now, there's no way in hell I'd have chosen Denver, and I'd have told you that before the game and after the game regardless of who won.  Doesn't matter.  Not good enough.  No game was submitted (and still isn't) and so I don't get credit.  Meaning I could easily have had 8 games won, and be in a position where my Monday Night pick winning would mean I won the pool.  But no.  I'm an idiot. 

Dammit.
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Week 5: Schedule

Here is your Week 5 Schedule, peeps. Week 5 officially commences on Sunday at 1pm EST.  Need your picks by that time, puh-leeese.

Jacksonville at Buffalo            

Denver at Baltimore            

Kansas City at Indianapolis

Green Bay at Washington            

St. Louis at Detroit

Chicago at Carolina            

Tampa Bay at Cincinnati

Atlanta at Cleveland            

New York “Reliant Robin” Giants at Houston

New Orleans at Arizona

Tennessee at Dallas

San Diego at Oakland

Philadelphia at San Francisco

Minnesota at New York Jets (plus total points)

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Week 5: Results

Week 5 is in the books, and as I said yesterday, we all got thoroughly dominated by one man. Who is that (masked? pantless?) man?

I'm going to make you wait a few more seconds for the answer. First a note. Last week my brother failed to send in his picks. That's always been a tough thing for me to handle. You want to balance kindness - sometimes for whatever reason it's hard to get your picks in on time - to the individual with understanding for the others in the pool(poop!) who did send their picks in on time. The thing is though, $125 is real money. It's not thousands of dollars, and most of us come out only a few dollars up or down over the course of the year, but I don't pretend that it isn't important.

So, when someone is late with their picks or doesn't send them in at all, I've tried a bunch of different tactics to penalize them without ruining their whole season in one foul swoop. One year I tried automatically giving that person the favorites. And one person actually won a week that way, which made me re-think that rule, as well as spawning the "you can't win a week if you don't turn in your picks" rule. One year I tried just giving the home teams automatically. But again, depending on the week by not turning in your picks you can end up with a better record than someone who didt turn in their picks. Not fair, says I.

Which, two paragraphs in, brings me to my point. This year I've been giving the worst record accumulated that week to people who fail to get their picks in on time. Last week my brother forgot to send in his picks. But the worst record was 9-5, so my brother got a 9-5 record. Whew, he dodged a bullet there. Better get your head out of your butt and recognize.

So, this week, again, my brother didn't turn in his picks. He called just after wards to apologize, but it was too late. So this time I didn't want to leave it up to chance. He gots ta pay. So I took it upon myself to make sure he got a much worse record this week.

This all by way of saying when you are looking at the weekly standings and you see me at the very bottom, you can know that I did it for you. For you. For you...

So, to this week's Weekly Standard Prize (WSP) winner... John Weaver! You win a red snapper!

OK, Weaver, listen carefully! You can hold on to your red snapper, or you can go for whats in the box that Hiro-san is bringing down the isle right now!

Uh... I'll take whats in the box! I'll take the box!

You'll take the box... OK, now let's see what's in the box...[top of box is removed]... Nothing! Nothing! Absolutely nothing! ... STUPID! YOU SO STUPID!!!

Final standings for Week 5:

1. John Weaver ... 11-3
2. Jon Stover ... 10-4 (How's that Tennessee pick looking now, Jon? You'd have won by MNP.)
2. Joey Bansen ... 10-4
2. Dan Sinclair ... 10-4
5. Karl Vaillancourt ... 9-5
5. Josh Money ... 9-5
5. Bill Denton ... 9-5
5. Matthew Mariam ... 9-5
5. Dave Labowitz ... 9-5
5. Adam Roy ... 9-5 (Last week you bet on the Redskins, huh?)
5. Gedeon Mariam ... 9-5
5. George Smith ... 9-5
13. Alex Mena ... 8-6
14. Zack Klein ... 7-7
15. Sandy Kory ... 6-8
15. Matt Kory ... 6-8 (You're welcome)

Current Overall Standings (COS):

1. Gedeon Mariam ... 57-19
2. John Weaver ... 54-22
3. Adam Roy ... 53-23
3. Jon Stover ... 53-23
3. Joey Bansen ... 53-23
3. Bill Denton ... 53-23
7. Dan Sinclair ... 52-24
8. George Smith ... 51-25
8. Karl Vaillancourt ... 51-25
8. Josh Money ... 51-25
8. Dave Labowitz ... 51-25
12. Alex Mena ... 50-26
13. Zack Klein ... 48-28
13. Matthew Mariam ... 48-28
15. Sandy Kory ... 45-31
15. Matt Kory ... 45-31 (Don't come down to my hood and try pushin. I'll make you taste tha pain, son.)

Week 6 will begin at 1pm EST this Sunday afternoon. Have a great week, peeps, and congratulations to John Weaver. Week 6 schedule up shortly...

Week 5: Update: Now with More Numbers!

So I was going through the picks and I came across someone who picked St. Louis to beat Minnesota. To quote a great American, what an ultra maroon! I mean, really, are you just trying to lose? Does finishing in last place sound like fun? Seriously, what kind of idiot... ...what? It was me? Oh, right. Shit.

All you f'ers don't have a shot at last place. It's mine, you hear me? Mine! Get back in there! Down down down! Go go go! Mine mine mine! You can't compete with stupidity like... enough? OK, moving on.

We'll get to the pool update in a minute, but I thought it might be interesting to hear how everyone picked this week's games. Let me know in the comments section if you find crap like this interesting and maybe I'll keep doing it (bolded = winner).

100% Correct (Nobody picked these games incorrectly (even me))
*Pittsburgh at Detroit
*Dallas at Kansas City
*Oakland at NY "Titillating" Giants
*Tampa at Philadelphia

93% Correct (Only one idiot blew this one... guess who)
*Minnesota at St. Louis

87% Correct (You're trying too hard if you missed either of these)
*Washington at Carolina
*Indianapolis at Tennessee

73% Correct
*Houston at Arizona

60% Correct
Atlanta at San Francisco

47% Correct
Jacksonville at Seattle

27% Correct
New England at Denver

7% Correct (If you got this one, you're an rocket f'n scientist)
*Cincinnati at Baltimore

0% Correct (Not one of us houseplants got this one right)
*Cleveland at Buffalo

Usually in the weekly update I tell you that eight people are tied and it's going to come down to Monday Night Points (MNP). No such excitement this week, folks. Nope, we've already got a winner and ain't none of you is gonna catch him.

Who is he? Who is this masked man who swoops in before the Monday Night Game, steals the WSP, makes out with your wife, kisses your cat on the lips, leaves the orange juice open on the counter after drinking out of the container, and then busts through the window on his way out even though the door works perfectly well?

Tune in tomorrow to find out...

Week 5: Schedule

Here is the schedule for Week 5. Remember, I need all your picks by 1pm EST this Sunday, otherwise yr royally F'd.

Pittsburgh at Detroit
Washington at Carolina
Cleveland at Buffalo
Cincinnati at Baltimore
Dallas at Kansas City
Oakland at NY "Love to Love" Giants
Tampa at Philadelphia
Minnesota at St. Louis
Atlanta at San Francisco
Houston at Arizona
New England at Denver
Jacksonville at Seattle
Indianapolis at Tennessee
NY Jets at Miami (plus total points)

Have a great week.