Week 12: Actual Update

Good morning to you folks. It's another happy Monday. Yay.

I'm here to tell you that Karl Vaillancourt is ridiculous. More specifically, he's a ridiculous 14-1 right now. That is crazy, and it doesn't leave much room to keep up, but surprisingly two of you managed to anyway. Adam Roy and Josh Money are both 13-2 and only a game back. And (here's the kicker) both of them picked New Orleans tonight, while Karl went with New England. Oooo, intrigue.

Here's the simple scenario: if New England wins, Karl wins. Doesn't matter what the score is. Karl gets the $70 gift certificate to Goat World. But, if New Orleans wins, we've got three people at 14 wins and that means only one thing...

MONDAY NIGHT POINTS!!!

That's Monday Night Points. So, if New Orleans wins, and...

- the total score is between zero and 57, Adam Roy wins
- the total score is between 58 and 69, Josh Money wins
- the total score is 70 or over, Karl Vaillancourt wins.

Exciting, no?

I'll be back tomorrow with your Week 12 Results, a quick note on how to solve the quadratic equation (hint: subtract!) and the schedule for Week 13. Hope everyone enjoyed a great Thanksgiving weekend.
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Week 12: Pre-Update

Here's your super quick Week 12 Pre-Update. Everyone picked Dallas and Green Bay. Only five people picked Denver over the now free-fallin New York "Excruciatingly Gross" Giants: Karl Vaillancourt, Zack Klein, John Weaver, Adam Roy, and Sandy Kory. Everyone else is a game back.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Week 12: Schedule

Here is the schedule for Week 12. It begins at 12:30 pm EST this Thursday (two days from now) so I'll need all your picks by then. Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and remember, there's no harm in slipping a pill into your mom's drink to keep her from calling your girlfriend a slut.

Green Bay at Detroit
Oakland at Dallas
New York "Right Turn Only" Giants at Denver
Miami at Buffalo
Seattle at St. Louis
Carolina at NY Jets
Cleveland at Cincinnati
Indianapolis at Houston
Tampa Bay at Atlanta
Washington at Philadelphia
Kansas City at San Diego
Jacksonville at San Francisco
Chicago at Minnesota
Arizona at Tennessee
Pittsburgh at Baltimore
New England at New Orleans (plus total points)
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Week 11: Results

As you may recall from the pre-update and actual update (could you possibly be any more updated?) this week was going to come down to Monday Night Points between Matthew Mariam and Joey Bansen, and if Tennessee won last night, Zack Klein. Tennessee did win (screwing my fantasy team in the process, thank you very much) so Zack was in it.

Last night's score was 20-17 for 37 total MN points, or "about a million" for those of you who prefer fuzzy math. Zack (39) and Matthew Mariam (41) were both over, leaving the lone wolf, Joey "The Lone Wolf" Bansen holding the winner's dildo! Don't forget to wash your hands, Joey! Oh, and congratulations.

By sheer coincidence, this week's winner receives a DVD of "The Lone Ranger: The Story of Two-Pronged Tonto" stolen borrowed from Jon Stover's Adult DVD Land and Olde Timey Porno Shoppe. Enjoy!

Here's the final standings for Week 11:

1. Joey Bansen ... 13-3
1. Matthew Mariam ... 13-3
1. Zack Klein ... 13-3
4. Bill Denton ... 12-4
4. Jon Stover ... 12-4
4. Karl Vaillancourt ... 12-4
4. Dave Labowitz ... 12-4
4. John Weaver ... 12-4
4. Josh Money ... 12-4
4. Gedeon Mariam ... 12-4
11. Matthew Kory ... 11-5
11. Adam Roy ... 11-5
11. Dan Sinclair ... 11-5
14. George Smith ... 10-6
14. Alex Mena ... 10-6
16. Sandy Kory ... 7-9

We're finally getting some stratification in the The Current Overall Standings. Bill and Joey are leading the way with Jon, Gedeon, Dave and John following. After that it's poop-at-the-wall time, which explains my Redskins over the Cowboys pick this past week. Please note, I am not in last place in either standings. [pause for applause and applesauce] Thank you! Thank you very much...

COS are as follows:

1. Bill Denton ... 112-48
1(a). Joey Bansen ... 112-48
3. Jon Stover ... 111-49
3. Gedeon Mariam ... 111-49
5. Dave Labowitz ... 110-50
6. John Weaver ... 109-51
7. Dan Sinclair ... 107-53
8. Matthew Mariam ... 105-55
9. Adam Roy ... 104-56
9. Zack Klein ... 104-56
11. Josh Money ... 103-57
12. George Smith ... 102-58
12. Karl Vaillancourt ... 102-58
14. Alex Mena ... 100-60
15. Matthew Kory ... 95-65
16. Sandy Kory ... 92-68

It's a packed schedule coming up with three games on Turkey Day. So, as per usual, I'll need all of your picks by Thursday at 12:30 pm EST. I suggest you just flip a coin and send your picks in as soon as possible.

Week 12 schedule to come. Have a great holiday everyone.
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Week 11: Actual Update

OK, peeps, here's the situation. With one game to go tonight, we've got three of y'all still in it. Joey Bansen and Matthew Mariam have 13 wins, the most in the pool(poop!). There's a few more with 12 wins, but just about everyone in the pool(poop!) picked Houston over Tennessee tonight including Joey and Matthew, so if you have twelve wins and Houston, you ain't picking up any ground.

Only one guy with 12 wins picked Tennessee to win tonight and can therefore potentially tie Joey and Matthew. That person is [ ... drum roll ...] Zack Klein. But, as you'll see in a minute, Zack's pretty screwed even if Tennessee wins.

Since we've got a tie one way or the other, its gonna come down to Monday Night Points. Here's how it breaks down. If Tennessee wins tonight, Zack, Joey, and Matthew will all have 13 wins.

In that instance:

• If the total score is between 0 and 38, Joey Bansen will win.
• If the total score is 39 or 40, Zack Klein will win.
• If the total score is 41 or higher, Matthew Mariam will win.

If Houston wins tonight, here's the point breakdown:

• If the total score is between 0 and 40, Joey Bansen will win.
• If the total score is 41 or higher, Matthew Mariam will win.

Good luck to all involved, and as a side note I'd just like to say that if my stupid Redskins hadn't folded like me with two Aces in Dallas I'd be taking home the $70 right now. That's right, me. But no. F'n kicker can't hit a 39 yarder in a damn dome...

Back tomorrow with the final results for Week 11, the updated Current Overall Standings, hilarious poop jokes, and the schedule for Week 12.
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Week 11: Pre-Update

It's certainly been an exciting week so far. With one game in the books, I've already been eliminated from contention. In yesterday's Panthers/Dolphins game I picked the Pottsville Maroons. Doh! Stupid passage of time...

As it stands now, we've got a three way tie for first. Joey Bansen, Matthew Mariam, and Zack Klein are all running away with this thing. They're all undefeated! And, here's the strange thing, nobody else has even a single win! Shameful.

I'll be back Monday morning with your regularly scheduled Week 11 Update. Until then, if anyone sees Jon Stover, please remind him to put his pants back on.

That is all.

Week 11: Schedule

Here is the schedule for Week 11. It starts this Thursday at November 19 at 8pm EST. I'll need all of your picks by then.

Miami at Carolina
Pittsburgh at Kansas City
New Orleans at Tampa Bay
Atlanta at New York "Fungible" Giants
Buffalo at Jacksonville
Indianapolis at Baltimore
Seattle at Minnesota
Cleveland at Detroit
Washington at Dallas
San Francisco at Green Bay
Arizona at St. Louis
New York Jets at New England
Cincinnati at Oakland
San Diego at Denver
Philadelphia at Chicago
Tennessee at Houston (total points)

Have a great week.
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