Week 12: Results

In the words of Spaulding, double turds!!

The final score of the Monday night game was 27-6, for a point total of 33.  One more field goal and Gedeon would have won, one less and I would have won (DAMMIT!!!!), but things worked out perfectly for Karl Vaillancourt, who is this week's big wiener!!  Congratulations, Karl!  You win this week's prize, Mike Shanahan's actual scalp, extracted courtesy of fellow pool(poop!) participant Mr. Alex Mena who surely lost his frigg'n mind, drove to DC and performed impromptu surgery on Mr. Shanahan in the back of a van parked in a 7-11 parking lot.  So watch for a plastic bag containing part of an actual human head!  Yay!

With that beautiful image in your mind's eye, here's the way Week 12 ended up:

1. Karl Vaillancourt ... 13-3
1. Gedeon Mariam ... 13-3
1. Dave Labowitz ... 13-3
1. Matthew Kory ... 13-3
5. Bill Denton ... 12-4
5. Robin Wood ... 12-4
7. George Smith ... 11-5
7. Jon Stover ... 11-5
9. Matthew Mariam ... 10-6
9. Sandy Kory ... 10-6
9. Alex Mena ... 10-6
12. Josh Money ... 9-7
12. Zack Klein ... 9-7
14. Joey Bansen ... 8-8
14. John Weaver ... 8-8

Overall, the field has narrowed.  Last week 16 games separated first from last.  This week its down to 11.  If you were behind in the pool(poop!) its a safe bet you had a good week, and if you were at the front of the pool(poop!) you probably sucked some poop from a straw. 

Last week we had the John Weaver is kicking all of our asses post, but this week Weaver's 8-8 showing has helped everyone pick up a few games.  For example, I picked up 7 games on John in one week.  Don't expect that to happen again.  Dave picked up five games to vault himself into a second place tie* with Sandy, who picked up two games on John himself.  Zack, despite a lousy week himself, picked up a game on John as well, moving to within three.  Unfortunately for him he was leap-frogged by Dave and Sandy.  Karl's strong week moved him to five games back. 


*NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

All that said, John is still in first by two games, so its not like he's doing that badly.

I've included a new column after your record.  The number of games out of first place is in parentheses after your overall record.  At long last, here are your Current Overall Standings (COS) through Week 12:

1. John Weaver ... 112-58 ... (-)
2. Sandy Kory ... 110-60 ... (-2)
2. Dave Labowitz ... 110-60 ... (-2)
4. Zack Klein ... 109-61 ... (-3)
5. Karl Vaillancourt ... 107-63 ... (-5)
5. Jon Stover ... 107-63 ... (-5)
5. Josh Money ... 107-63 ... (-5)
5. Alex Mena ... 107-63 ... (-5)
9. George Smith ... 105-65 ... (-7)
9. Bill Denton ... 105-65 ... (-7)
9. Matthew Kory ... 105-65 ... (-7)
12. Robin Wood ... 104-66 ... (-8)
12. Matthew Mariam ... 104-66 ... (-8)
14. Joey Bansen ... 103-67 ... (-9)
15. Gedeon Mariam ... 101-69 ... (-11)

Congrats again to Karl.  I'll have the schedule for Week 13 up soon.  Remember, Week 13 begins this Thursday, so don't forget to get that game to me by game time.  The rest are due at the start of the games on Sunday.

Hope you all have a great week.
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Week 12: Update

Sorry for the delayed Update.  Here's the story of Week 12 so far. 

Through the first 15 games, four people lead the way with 12-3 records.  Those people are Karl "Meet me in the food" Vaillancourt (32), Dave "The Jewish Leprechaun" Lab-O'Witz (38), Gedeon "Little Hotel Bible" Mariam (35), and your humble Pool(poop) runner-person*.  Yes, apparently a blind squirrel is right twice a day.**

*Huh? 

**Huh? 

As is often the case, every leader picked the same team to win on Monday night.  All four of us picked San Francisco to beat Arizona.  That leaves an opening for someone with 11 wins to sneak onto the top tier, should the Monday night game not go San Francisco's way.  Bill Denton and Robin Wood are both 11-4, a game off the pace.  Unfortunately for them (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) both also picked San Francisco to win tonight.  So no hot soup for them. 

That means for the purposes of determining the weekly wiener the actual winner of the Monday night game is irrelevant.  Its going to come down to Monday Night Points (MNP) either way.  As you'll recall, we play Price Is Right style here in MFSAFP(p!)!.  The person who is the closest to the actual points scored without going over is the big wiener. 

Dave picked 38, Gedeon 35, Karl 32 and I chose 25.   That means if the point total is...

...0 to 31, Matthew Kory (ME!!!) wins.
...32, 33 or 34, Karl Vaillancourt wins.
...35, 36, or 37 Gedeon Mariam wins.
...38 or more, Dave Labowitz wins.


Best of luck to everyone, but mostly to Jon Stover. 
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Week 12: Pre-Update

If you're looking for the Week 12 schedule post scroll down or click here.  As a reminder, I post my picks in the comments section of each schedule post.  That way you can be sure I'm on the level.  Or, alternately, you could just look at my place in the standings and conclude that I'm the world's worst cheater.  In any case...

We're three games into Week 12 and only one of the games was expected to be remotely competitive. Fitting that, we had lots of consensus on the Thanksgiving day games.  So rather than post everyone's record, we'll do it like this, narrative style. 

Everyone in the pool picked the Jets to beat Cincinnati.  So no matter who you are, give yourself a +1 for that game. 

Everyone in the pool except one person took the Patriots over Detroit.  Going against the grain didn't look like a bad idea through the first half, but then someone in the locker rooms reminded the players their role.  After that, the game fell apart for the perpetually inept Lions.  +1 for everyone except Matthew Mariam for that game.  (A big -1 for me for not starting Deion Branch and his two TDs against Bill Denton in our fantasy football league.)

Just about everyone is 2-0 as we come to the most contested game of the day's schedule, New Orleans at Dallas.  The Cowboys have played well since firing head coach Tubby McGoo and replacing him with Sheriff Slim Touchdown-Schultz.  (Ah, the wonder of the hyphenated last name.)  The Saints, as everyone knows, are the defending Super Bowl champs.  Predictably most people picked New Orleans, but five brave souls did go out on a smallish limb and take the home team.  The Cowboys made a late run, but ultimately those of us Redskins fans had a nice little Thanksgiving present.  A +1 for you if your name isn't John Weaver, Jon Stover, Sandy Kory, Zack Klein, or Matthew Mariam.

That's where we stand three games into Week 12.  Most people at 3-0, a few at 2-1, and then Matthew Mariam. 

If you haven't already, don't forget to send in the rest of your picks.  I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving and are enjoying the rest of your long weekend.
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Week 12: Schedule

Here is your schedule for Week 12.  Lots of Thursday night goodness* to be had.  Just don't forget to send in your picks and have a great Thanksgiving.

*meaning: badness

Thursday Games:

New England at Detroit
New Orleans at Dallas
Cincinnati at New York Jets

Sunday & Monday Games:

Jacksonville at New York Giants
Minnesota at Washington
Green Bay at Atlanta
Carolina at Cleveland
Pittsburgh at Buffalo
Tennessee at Houston
Kansas City at Seattle
Miami at Oakland
Philadelphia at Chicago
Tampa Bay at Baltimore
St. Louis at Denver
San Diego at Indianapolis
San Francisco at Arizona (plus total points)
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Week 11: Results

Its midnight here in Portland (do you know where your cat is?) and I just got back from a night out on the town. Did you know they serve beer in bars here? Its crazy. Possibly needless to say I'm beat. But before I crash, I wanted to get this up on the interwebs for you. Yes, this just one of at least two examples of my selflessness that come to mind. The other involves passing a salt shaker.

That is all by way of saying sorry for the lack of pomp (poop!) and circumstance, but here is how it all went down in Week 11.  You may recall from my wonderfully hilarious update - and seriously, everyone please stop emailing me telling me how funny I am - that if the Monday night game exceeded 41 points (i.e. totaled 42 or more) then Robin and Dave, who both guessed 42 would win. Well, smack my ass and call me "Assey the Ass Smacking Dinosaur*" but in the words of Will Ferrell, that just happened. 

*copyright 2010, Matthew Kory all rights reserved

Denver's loss to San Diego totaled 49 points making Dave and Robin co-wieners.  Co-ngratulations!  See what I did there?  Ha. I kill me.  In keeping with this week's blatant ass theme, you guys both win the two assed mongoose featured in the first season of South Park.  Congratulations.  Dave gets first crack at the ass on the top. Another terrible pun!  I must be stopped!

Here's how Week 11 ended up:

1. Robin Wood ... 13-3
1. Dave Labowitz ... 13-3
1. Alex Mena ... 13-3
1. Sandy Kory ... 13-3
5. Josh Money ... 12-4
5. Bill Denton ... 12-4
5. Jon Stover ... 12-4
5. John Weaver ... 12-4
9. George Smith ... 11-5
9. Zack Klein ... 11-5
9. Karl Vaillancourt ... 11-5
9. Matthew Kory ... 11-5
13. Joey Bansen ... 10-6
13. Matthew Mariam ... 10-6
13. Gedeon Mariam ... 10-6


Now comes the part where I show you how bad John Weaver is kicking the crap out of all of us. The moral of the story: if John Weaver tells you to pick the New York "Craptastic" Giants, you pick the New York "Craptastic" Giants. After John, Zack and Sandy are fighting for the sloppy seconds (sounds like Thanksgiving at a porno theatre). Things get increasingly more desperate from there until I get down to the bottom of the list, to my lifelong friend, Gedeon Mariam.  Gedeon wrote the following to me in his weekly picks email:

I can't help but notice I am in last place in total standings. I think you will recall, however, that while I have not accurate predicted the SPECIFIC winner of each game, I have correctly prognosticated that in each game the team with the most points would win. I think, therefore, there should be an asterisk next to my position in the standings. Kind of like by Barry Bonds HR record, but in a good way.

Gedeon's words are true.  He did, in fact, predict that the team with the most points would, in fact, win each game.  In fact.  So, Gedeon, in the spirit of our lifelong friendship, in recognition of your incredible powers of prognostication, and in sympathy because you live in Alabama, I have done as you asked.

Here is the Current Overall Standings (COS):

1. John Weaver ... 104-50
2. Zack Klein ... 100-54
2. Sandy Kory ... 100-54
4. Josh Money ... 98-56
5. Alex Mena ... 97-57
5. Dave Labowitz ... 97-57
7. Jon Stover ... 96-58
8. Joey Bansen ... 95-59
9. George Smith ... 94-60
9. Matthew Mariam ... 94-60
9. Karl Vaillancourt ... 94-60
12. Bill Denton ... 93-61
13. Matthew Kory ... 92-62
13. Robin Wood ... 92-62
15. * ... 88-66

The Week 12 schedule will be posted shortly.  Have a great Thanksgiving, everyone.  Unless you're from Canada, in which case, F You. 
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Week 12: Results

Another exciting week is in the books and we've got ourselves another repeat winner. You'll remember that if New Orleans won last night, the pool(poop!) would come down to Monday Night Points (MNP). Again. So guess what happened.

[pause for tumbleweed rolling by]

Yes. New Orleans won. I know. Unbelievable.

Even more unbelievable was the point total. If the score was 57 or less, Adam Roy would win. Between 58 and 69 (huh huh huh) Josh Money would win, and if the score exceeded 69 (huh huh huh) points, Karl Vaillancourt would win.

The final score was 38-17 for a total of 55 MNPs. Adam Roy wins! Congratulations Adam! You win this week's prize, an all expenses paid trip to Adam Roy's house!! Oh... crap. Well, never mind. Or, in 90's parlance, nevermind. You'll have to settle for the Weekly Standard Prize, which should arrive at your doorstep any moment. Just remember the two rules of receiving the WSP: Rule 1) Open in a lightly populated area, and Rule 2) If it begins to smoke, cover your head, and flee on foot while making sounds like a chicken.

Here are the final standings for Week 12:

1. Adam Roy ... 14-2
1. Karl Vaillancourt ... 14-2
1. Josh Money ... 14-2
4. Matthew Mariam ... 13-3
4. Dave Labowitz ... 13-3
6. Joey Bansen ... 12-4
6. Jon Stover ... 12-4
6. John Weaver ... 12-4
6. Gedeon Mariam ... 12-4
6. George Smith ... 12-4
11. Zack Klein ... 11-5
11. Bill Denton ... 11-5
13. Matthew Kory ... 10-6
13. Sandy Kory ... 10-6
15. Alex Mena ... 9-7
15. Dan Sinclair ... 9-7

There are 5 more weeks left in this NFL season, so it's time to fling that poo against the wall in a desperate and ultimately futile attempt to climb the standings. This week there is no tie at the top. Joey Bansen is the overall leader, but three people (Dave Labowitz, Bill Denton, and Jon Stover) are only a game back. After that, John Weaver is three games behind Joey and that pretty much ends the list of contenders for first place overall. Unless Adam or Matthew Mariam can pull a hat out of their ass and then pull a rabbit out of the hat. And let me tell you from personal experience... actually, forget it.

Your Current Overall Standings (COS) are as follows:

1. Joey Bansen ... 124
2. Dave Labowitz ... 123
2. Jon Stover ... 123
2. Bill Denton ... 123
2. Gedeon Mariam ... 123
6. John Weaver ... 121
7. Adam Roy ... 118
7. Matthew Mariam ... 118
9. Josh Money ... 117
10. Karl Vaillancourt ... 116
10. Dan Sinclair ... 116
12. Zack Klein ... 115
13. George Smith ... 114
14. Alex Mena ... 109
15. Matthew Kory ... 105
16. Sandy Kory ... 102

We've got yet another Thursday night game this week folks, so don't forget to turn your picks in by 8:20 pm EST, this Thursday night, December 3rd. I'll post the schedule for Week 13 in a moment. Have a great week.
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Week 12: Actual Update

Good morning to you folks. It's another happy Monday. Yay.

I'm here to tell you that Karl Vaillancourt is ridiculous. More specifically, he's a ridiculous 14-1 right now. That is crazy, and it doesn't leave much room to keep up, but surprisingly two of you managed to anyway. Adam Roy and Josh Money are both 13-2 and only a game back. And (here's the kicker) both of them picked New Orleans tonight, while Karl went with New England. Oooo, intrigue.

Here's the simple scenario: if New England wins, Karl wins. Doesn't matter what the score is. Karl gets the $70 gift certificate to Goat World. But, if New Orleans wins, we've got three people at 14 wins and that means only one thing...

MONDAY NIGHT POINTS!!!

That's Monday Night Points. So, if New Orleans wins, and...

- the total score is between zero and 57, Adam Roy wins
- the total score is between 58 and 69, Josh Money wins
- the total score is 70 or over, Karl Vaillancourt wins.

Exciting, no?

I'll be back tomorrow with your Week 12 Results, a quick note on how to solve the quadratic equation (hint: subtract!) and the schedule for Week 13. Hope everyone enjoyed a great Thanksgiving weekend.
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Week 12: Pre-Update

Here's your super quick Week 12 Pre-Update. Everyone picked Dallas and Green Bay. Only five people picked Denver over the now free-fallin New York "Excruciatingly Gross" Giants: Karl Vaillancourt, Zack Klein, John Weaver, Adam Roy, and Sandy Kory. Everyone else is a game back.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Week 12: Schedule

Here is the schedule for Week 12. It begins at 12:30 pm EST this Thursday (two days from now) so I'll need all your picks by then. Happy Thanksgiving everyone, and remember, there's no harm in slipping a pill into your mom's drink to keep her from calling your girlfriend a slut.

Green Bay at Detroit
Oakland at Dallas
New York "Right Turn Only" Giants at Denver
Miami at Buffalo
Seattle at St. Louis
Carolina at NY Jets
Cleveland at Cincinnati
Indianapolis at Houston
Tampa Bay at Atlanta
Washington at Philadelphia
Kansas City at San Diego
Jacksonville at San Francisco
Chicago at Minnesota
Arizona at Tennessee
Pittsburgh at Baltimore
New England at New Orleans (plus total points)
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