WEEK SIX: PICK UP STICKS, YOU FUCKING PENISHEAD!

This one's for Dave.

Week 6 is here, and not a moment too soon, I'd say. Especially if you're a Washington Redskins fan. In fact, I'm going to go ahead and wager that if you're a Redskins fan you're going to want week six to stay around like Groundhog Day. Especially so with Philly and NY on the road this week. Time to make up some ground, eh? Someone slip Vince Young a few horse tranqualizers.

[We're 1/3 of an inning into the ALCS and already the A's have more hits than Alex Rodriguez. In case you forgot, Alex had one more hit than Walt Disney did against the Tigers, thought ol' Walt didn't strike out as much.]

Send in those picks in the order they appear below if possible to matthew.kory@gmail.com. As always, I'll take 'em up until game time, which this week is 1pm EST on Sunday. Duh?

Here's the slate:

Buffalo at Detroit
Carolina at Baltimore
Cincinnati at Tampa Bay
Houston at Dallas
NY Colonial Coin Laundry Giants at Atlanta
Philadelphia at New Orleans
Seattle at St Louis
Tennessee at Washington
Kansas City at Pittsburgh
Miami at NY Jets
San Diego at San Francisco
Oakland at Denver
Chicago at Arizona (plus total points)

Good luck!

WINNER AND STANDINGS: WEEK 5

Not for use in some states (sorry, New York!)

We've come to the end of Week 5, a week fraught with the kind of tension you'd expect from a cheesy spy novel.

Who would win Monday Night? (Not Baltimore)

Who would guess the points correctly? (Nobody)

Who would win the girl? (Nobody, turns out she was a lesbian)

and most importantly...
WHO WOULD WIN THE DAMN POOL(poop!)?!?!

Jon Stover!!!

PSYCH!!! Ha ha! No, the winner was actually Sandy Kory who managed to take down the pool(poop!) by nailing 13 out of 14 games, and then picking the fewest points of anyone! Congratulations, Sandy! You win a dogeared copy of John Hodgeman's book, The Areas of My Expertise, featuring over 700 different names for hobos, from my bathroom! Yeah!

Actually, no, you win the Standard Weekly Prize (SWP) of $52, which you can put towards waxing your butt cheeks. (Warning: do not try this at home.)

So, in the interest of time (I do have other things to do besides blather on about the pool) (believe it or not) (and you may not), here's how this week finished up:

Sandy Kory 13-1
Jon Stover
Matthew Mariam
Andy Harris
Joey Bansen 11-3
Bill Denton
Dave Labowitz
Zach Klein
Matthew Kory
Joshu Shih
Scott Rozsa 10-4
George Smith
Karl Vaillancourt

Which means the overall standings look like this:

Andy Harris 52-22
Jon Stover 52-22
Sandy Kory 51-23
Joey Bansen 50-24
Matt Kory 50-24
Matthew Mariam 49-25
Joshu Shih 49-25
Karl Vaillancourt 49-25
Zach Klein 48-26
Bill Denton 47-27
Dave Labowitz 47-27
Scott Rozsa 47-27
George Smith 45-29

So, congrats to Sandy on his first WSP and good luck to you all next week.

Oh, and F the Yankees in the goat ass!!

AROUND THE NFL WITH MATTY! Week 5

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BILL'S SUNDAY CRAP-O-RAMA: WEEK 5

Week 5: Whooooaaaa, Doctor! You Can Hang A Star On That One!

Our top story this week: Matty can’t identify Oscar Gamble. C’mon man, that’s the greatest afro that ever been rocked – the only one better than Dr. J’s. Question: does this qualify more as a sports history issue or a Black History issue? Anyway…

It surfaced on Friday that T. Eldorado Owens has a series of semiautobiographical children’s books being published, the first of which, “Little T Learns To Share,” is hitting shelves soon. Two further installments are expected: “Little T Learns What Not To Say” and “Little T Learns To Say I’m Sorry.”

We interrupt this news report to point out that this is NOT a joke. This is really happening, and those are really the titles of the books. Now back to your regularly scheduled waste of fucking time…

This development is quite a blow to those of us who remain in the “Reality-Based Community.” I mean, it’s pretty clear that even Big T doesn’t know any of these things. Also, for those of you in Das Pool who don’t happen to live in Texas, this bears out my oft-spouted theory that the small business climate here is completely out of control. You can market ANYTHING here – and in all likelihood you can get government subsidies to do so, all the while complaining in thinly veiled racist terms about the welfare state.

In addition to “Little T Gets Called An Eggplant And Has To Go Home And Ask Momma What That Means” and “Little T Can’t Get No Poon Tang,” here are some suggested future titles in the “Little T” series:









In other news, it’s great to see Clinton Portis dust off an alter-ego for a press appearance this week. After the $kins maul the squawking me-first New York Bovine Flatulence Giants this week, he will no doubt be encouraged by his teammates to continue his weekly one-man masquerade parties. My humble suggestion: next week he should show up in a Yankees uniform, enormous wraparound sunglasses and a silver sombrero and identify himself as “Slappy de la Bluelips.”

Place your bets, place your bets, here we are.

Buffalo at Chicago
-Here we have a matchup between two of the teams with the most effective quarterbacks in the league. No, you have not been cryogenically frozen and trapped in a cave on Mars for the past 15 years.
Pick: Chicago

Cleveland at Carolina
-Every time I start to feel like a heel for having All-World Fuckhead Kellen Winslow II on my fantasy team, I just go look up whoever has Jeremy Shockey on his team and goof on him for a while. Always makes me feel like a big man.
Pick: Carolina

News Flash: Brad Radke’s arm is still attached to his body.

Detroit at Minnesota
-Head Coach Rod Marinelli is quickly developing a routine after Detroit losses: go home, call Matt Millen at his home in Pennsylvania and tell him the Lions lost, then kick the cat.
Pick: Minnesota

Miami at New England
-It’s probably been said before elsewhere, but if you’re looking at Joey Harrington as a solution rather than a problem, you’re in a lot of trouble.
-Nick Saban’s solution to team’s offensive struggles: hit the square peg harder and eventually it’ll fit in the round hole.
-Saban’s backup plan: find something bigger to use to hit the square peg.
Pick: New England

St Louis at Green Bay
-Another in a long list of personal tragedies that have befallen Brett Favre: his brain was eaten by zombies three years ago.
Pick: St. Louis (side bet: STL +3 turnover margin)

Tampa Bay at New Orleans
-People are living in FEMA trailers and refrigerator crates in southern Louisiana, but I bet you can still score some killer blow there.
Pick: New Orleans

Tennessee at Indianapolis
-Colts GM Bill Polian to Corey Simon: “Go ask Albert Haynesworth for your money, beyotch!”
-In this week’s Onion: “Haynesworth says he was just trying to make sure the guy was dead.”
Pick: Indianapolis… and lay the 18 points

Washington at NY Yank Dick Giants
-Jeremy Shockey and Plaxico Burress becoming such publicly despised characters that FOX News identified them as Democrats during Friday’s “The O’Reilly Factor.”
Pick: Dolomite Jenkins

Kansas City at Arizona
Q: How did Kansas City finally get a defense?
A: They traded their offense for it.
Pick: The Chefs (Great Googly Moogly!)

News Flash: A’s win! A’s win!

NY Jets at Jacksonville
-Defensive injuries starting to catch up with Jaguars. Self-inflicted brain injuries starting to catch up with Jets fans.
-Laveranues! New and improved – Now with 35% more Jerricho!
-After extensive research, I still can’t figure out why there is an NFL team in Jacksonville. Someone please help me out here.
Pick: Jacksonville

News Flash: Joe Morgan denying A’s win.

Oakland at San Francisco
-No better time than now for Northern California to fall into the Pacific Ocean.
-Advice for Raiders fans: try to reverse the numerals on your Randy Moss jersey and get a nameplate for it that says “Owens” – you’ve got until August to get this done. Oh, and wash your face, jackass. It’s not Halloween.
-Speaking of Moss, has anyone descended into irrelevance quicker than this guy? Milli Vanilli? Yahoo Serious? The Wassup Guys?
Pick: San Francisco

Dallas at Philadelphia
-Bad weekend for Dallas: coming home after a loss to the Eagles, they find the city burned to cinders by hordes of marauding Okies after the Sooners defeat the Longhorns.
-SI’s unpaid intern/football columnist Andrew Perloff opines: "McNabb's luck has been unbelievable this season. He's amassed a league-leading 1,248 passing yards against the No. 32, No. 31, No. 29 and No. 24 pass defenses in the NFL.” Um… Do you know why they’re ranked so low, you stoopid motherfucker? Because they’ve played against McNabb! There have been only four games this season so far!
Pick: Dallas. (Sorry. Playin’ the percentages here.)

News Flash: I’ve had these Pony California ‘78s for years, and only today have I noticed I laced them backwards, with the laces coming out of the medial eyelets over the top of the laces coming from the lateral eyelets. To make matters even worse, I laced only the left shoe that way. I’m fucking embarrassed. Ugh.

Pittsburgh at San Diego
-Marty Schottenheimer: the coaching equivalent of Vinny Testaverde.
-Marty Schottenheimer: The Poor Man’s Matty Kory.
Pick: Pittsburgh comin’ off the bye

Baltimore at Denver (plus total points)
-Baltimore is due for some comeuppance, but Jake Plummer already wasted his comeuppance reserves against some neighborhood kids who left a flaming doody bag on his front porch.
Pick: Denver 20-17

Tune in next week when we fill Mike Martz’ pants with Vicodin and beat Art Shell over the head with them!

WEEK FIVE: ROCK'N THE FRO

I have no idea who this guy is or how he ever put on a baseball cap, but I am officially championing him for the Hall of Fame. Go, whatever yr name is!

Anyway, its time for Week 5! Yay! This week T.O. returns to the scene of his many crimes against humanity, LaVarr Arrington gets a shot at his former team, and Mike Martz discovers yet another use for used children's underwear. ("Its a floor Wax!" "No! Its a dessert topping!")

So, send in those picks (preferably in the order they appear below) pronto-like to matthew.kory@gmail.com. As always, I'll take 'em up until game time, which this week is 1pm EST on Sunday, though I like it better when you send them in earlier. What can I say, its just the way I was brought up.

Buffalo at Chicago
Cleveland at Carolina
Detroit at Minnesota
Miami at New England
St Louis at Green Bay
Tampa Bay at New Orleans
Tennessee at Indianapolis
Washington at NY Regurgitation Giants
Kansas City at Arizona
NY Jets at Jacksonville
Oakland at San Francisco
Dallas at Philadelphia
Pittsburgh at San Diego
Baltimore at Denver (plus total points)

Good luck!

WINNER AND STANDINGS: WEEK 4

How can I resist a picture like that? We got Crazy Clinton Portis absolutely decking some Jag while Santana Moss runs by him for a touchdown. Ahhh....mmm... Whoops, it appears I need a clean pair of Dockers.

Well, Week 4 is in the books, folks, and there were more beat-downs administered in what I perceived to be close games than I can remember in a while. The Pats crushed Cincy, Chicago absolutely destroyed Seattle, and the Chiefs knocked the 49ers onto the ground, pooped on their collective head, and then smeared it into their eyes. Also, they beat them in a football game.

Yet, after all that is said and done, we non-Eagles fans here in Philly (all one of us) are taking cover in our underground bomb shelters. Why? Because this week is Hell Week, i.e. T.O.'s return to da 2-1-mutha-f'n-fizzity-fiz-ive. This could get dangerous.

The one comparable situation is Johnny Damon's return to Boston earlier this year, a game I was fortunate enough to attend. The media made it sound like Damon got cheered, but from where I was sitting down the right field line, he got booed like he just waltzed into Fenway Park wearing a Yankees uniform. (Wha...? No he di 'ent!) I expect this to be much much worse. And I can't F'n wait.

So, more on that later. Lucky you.

Back to the MFSAFP(p!)! This past week didn't help to separate anything, really. We've still got a multi-way tie at the top of the standings and only four games separating first from last. Anything can still happen, especially since there are 13 weeks left.

As for Week 4, it worked out thusly:

1. Matthew Mariam 11-3
2. Andy Harris 10-4
Matthew Kory 10-4
Sandy Kory 10-4
Scott Rozsa 10-4
George Smith 10-4
Karl Vaillancourt 10-4
3. Joey Bansen 9-5
Zach Klein 9-5
Joshu Shih 9-5
Jon Stover 9-5
4. Bill Denton 8-6
5. Dave Labowitz 7-7

So, as you can see, the winner and new weekly champion is: Matthew Mariam! Congratulations Matthew! You win a new Dell Computer with flaming battery! Complements of Dell, who asks you to sign here, and here, and here, and here, and initial here here here and here. Also, its probably best not to touch the computer. Ever. Actually, no, you really win nothing at all, because I spotted you the money! Because you're in Iraq! Yeah! By the way, mail me some of those flowers they keep throwing at you, eh? Don't be such a flower hog!

So, with Week 4 in the books, the yearly standings are this:

1. Joey Bansen 39-21
Andy Harris 39-21
Matt Kory 39-21
Jon Stover 39-21
Karl Vaillancourt 39-21
2. Sandy Kory 38-22
Joshu Shih 38-22
3. Zach Klein 37-23
Scott Rozsa 37-23
4. Bill Denton 36-24
Dave Labowitz 36-24
Matthew Mariam 36-24
5. George Smith 35-25

Yes, a five-way tie for first. Holy crap. So, congrats to Matthew, and good luck to everyone in Week 5, which I'll be posting tomorrow sometime.

BILL'S SEND-UP: WEEK 4

Week 4: Another Morning at the Doot Factory

Despite the fact that it has long been ejected from the ranks of timely issues by the ever-evolving saga of T. Eldorado Owens, I would like to take a moment to address one Alex Rodriguez (aka “Slappy McBluelips”).

The watershed cover story by Tom Verducci in last week’s Sports Illustrated stated that Jason Giambi (Fig. 1) recently took A-Job to task about his performance and incongruous demeanor. (Evidently Giambi is one of a small handful of Yankees who even so much as speak to A-Job.) A-Job apparently took his typical pablum-puking tack in response, downplaying his recent slump and being entirely too nonconfrontational, especially in light of the fact that he is an American (?) male (?) professional athlete.

A-Job most likely made a mental note to discuss this interpersonal mini-crisis with his therapist, but it should have been addressed more like this:

GIAMBI: Hey man, this team really needs you to come up with some big hits. Stick with it, man, and if there’s anything I can do to help you, let me know, alright?

A-ROD: Hey, last I checked, you was a steroid cheat, and I don’t see no ma’fuckin’ rings on yo’ fingaz, BEYOTCH. So raise up offa my bid-nasss.

Alas, didn’t happen; won’t ever happen. So in lieu, what I’m hoping for is this:

The Yankees coast into the playoffs and muddle through a Division Series victory against the Wild-Card Tigers with no help whatsoever from A-Rod. However, the public is too busy wondering how in the bloody hell the Tigers made it to the postseason with Neifi Perez batting leadoff, Justin Verlander pitching like Joe Cowley, and the team hacking wildly at 57-foot sliders to the tune of 10 Ks a game that the spotlight doesn’t train too strongly on A-Rod. Yet.

In the ALCS versus the Twins, the Yankees struggle for dear life, needing seven games and several acts of God to survive. (Not to mention Jeffrey Maier, Jr. – boy, do I feel old!) A-Rod doesn’t have a single RBI in the entire series and the press and fans’ restlessness is straining the confines of the proverbial chart. (Or “meat hook” if you’re Stu Scott. BOO-YAH!)

This, friends, is where it shall get truly magical. In a World Series widely viewed as a cakewalk before it even commenced, the Yankees struggle to put away their seemingly overmatched opponents, the Los Angeles Dodgers. A-Job strands runner after runner and, as the glare of the public and press grows more intense by the minute, Joe Torre sticks with his embattled third baseman, knowing that only a single clutch hit will turn the tide of public opinion. That hit, however, just does not come. Through six games, A-Rod has but a single hit, nary an RBI, and has stranded a staggering 236 runners on base.

In Game 7, despite an absolute maelstrom of public outcry demanding that A-Job be stapled to the bench and left for dead, Torre again sends him out to start. With A-Rod 0-for-4 with three strikeouts, the Yankees somehow win the World Championship in extra innings.

However, despite all the engrossing strategy and thrilling nuance of a closely contested World Series, all Joe Buck and Tim McCarver can talk about are A-Rod’s shortcomings. And when the Yankees players and coaches flood the field after their walk-off victory, the cameras are steadily trained on A-Rod’s quivering blue lips and his eyes welling with tears, completely overshadowing the team’s world championship.

Even without the nonsensical ramblings of Buck and McCarver, it is plainly apparent that the Yankees have won the World Series plainly despite the performance of Alex Rodriguez. And likewise, it completely eclipses the team’s success throughout the offseason.

In short, this will be the greatest theatre in baseball history.

And now we fast-forward to opening day of the 2007 season, and Citizens Bank Park public address announcer Dan Baker:

“Batting third, at third base, Aaaaaaalex Rodrigueeeeeeezzz!”

------------------------

Now, as I am completely spent, I am completely half-assing my football picks. If you tuned in for comedy, I suggest scrolling down and checking out Kid Matty’s compelling photo essay and complementary PhotoShop hack job on Stu Scott. I wholly endorse this product or service.

Arizona at Atlanta
-Fuck Kurt Warner. And fuck Jesus.
Pick: Atlanta

Dallas at Tennessee
-Jeff Fisher should kick Kerry Collins in the balls. If that doesn’t work, time to start Vince Young.
Pick: Dallas

Indianapolis at NY Jets
-Eric Mangini reminds Peyton Manning of Bill Belichick. Peyton will make a mess in his pants but rally to give his team a victory.
Pick: Indianapolis. But they won’t cover.

Miami at Houston
-The Match Game Bowl: “Both these teams are soooo bad…. HOW BAD ARE THEY!??”
-Wes Welker: New Fantasy Stud.
Pick: Miami

Minnesota at Buffalo
-The clash of the titans: Brad Johnson’s physical limitations versus J.P. Losman’s mental limitations.
Pick: Minnesota

New Orleans at Carolina
-Matty may be America’s foremost comic genius, but he once referred with impunity to New Orleans as a “river of vomit and turds.” Clearly, he hates us for our freedom.
Pick: Carolina (Monday night hangover in play here)

San Diego at Baltimore
-Even if the Chargers lose, they still live in San Diego. Even if the Ravens win, they still live in Baltimore.
Pick: San Diego

San Francisco at Kansas City
-From the “I Got To See It In Person” file: How can a 310-pound defensive lineman run for a 98-yard touchdown? When the other team’s two fastest players both get injured simultaneously on the play.
-Arrowhead Stadium retractable roof proposal referendum was defeated, but coming soon to a ballot near you is an new initiative to install a blackout curtain separating the crowd from the playing field.
Pick: San Francisco

Detroit at St Louis
-What are the odds that a Detroit coach would drop his pants in public and it wouldn’t be Mike Martz?
-What are the odds that neither Matty nor I could get through one week without making reference to this?
Pick: St. Louis

Cleveland at Oakland
-Net effect of the Raiders coming off a bye week: the accumulation of two weeks’ worth of stale, stupid ideas.
-Game plan for Raiders first-time starting QB Andrew Walter: take the snap and drop back through the tunnel into the parking lot.
Pick: Cleveland

Jacksonville at Washington
-Last week Red$kins QB Mark Brunell set an NFL record for consecutive passes by way of a little-known NFL rule: he completed 22 straight passes from his left hand to his right hand.
Pick: Jacksonville

New England at Cincinnati
-Think of Bill Belichick right now as Steve Spurrier when he first came into the NFL: he’s obviously crazy, but he’s just smart enough that you can’t take his team for granted. (But they still stink.)
-Pick: Cincinnati

Seattle at Chicago
-Little-known fact about new Seahawks starting RB Maurice Morris: in Australia his name is pronounced “Morris Morris.”
-Former Eagles coach chokes on Seahawks’ left offensive guard. Film at eleven…
Pick: Chicago

Green Bay at Philadelphia
-In light of Eagles secondary injuries: Where’s Izel Jenkins when you need him?
-Newest method of Andy Reid to emulate Patriots’ championship methods: blatantly lie about injuries on a weekly basis.
-In a related story, Donte Stallworth was run over by a taxi, but he’s listed as questionable because Brian Westbrook’s leg was amputated grafted onto Stallworth’s body. You figure it out.
Pick: Dah Iggles, 28-17

Stay tuned next week for Jackie Martling’s Joke Hunt. Until then… AMF!