AROUND THE NFL WITH MATTY! Weak 4 (and yes I spelled that correctly)

See? Cheaters do win!

A hearty sub-cockle welcome to all of you, and welcome to this week’s exciting episode of Around The NFL With Matty (ATNFLWM!)!! This week, we are actually going to go around the NFL and discuss each team in depth. The ins and outs of each team will be dissected and the intestines will be left on the floor. Of that, you can be sure! So, lets get right to it! We’ll go alphabetically:

Atlanta Falcons: ATNFLWM is proud to provide you this scoop (seriously!): Michael Vick has come down with a rare form of puss-inducing..zzzz-snap-zzzz

We now interrupt this explanation of Michael Vick’s VD problems for this message from the Office of the Commissioner of the National Football League:
















Hello! I’m Roger Goodell, and I’m the commissioner of the National Football League, and I want to personally welcome all of you to another terrific season of…hey! What are you doing under my desk?
















Uhh… nothing, nothing at all.
















I can’t believe you’re still here! I told you I’m running the show now! Can’t you get that through your thick monkey-skull?
















Monkey-wha...? I just think we need to discuss this HGH thing a bit more than we have.
















Naah, its not a problem. Its all good, just like Mobile ESPN.
















That’s what I was afraid you’d say. I think you should take a look at something…











BOO YAH!!
















OH MY GOD! What is that THING?!?
















Umm... right… I've been heading up a secret experiment over at the NFL Secret Bunker Lab (sponsored by Coors Rocky Mountain Refreshment!). We've identified an HGH compound we believe is in common use in the league.















That doesn't explain that monstrosity...[points]










BOO YAH?
















Oh, right. We locked Stuart Scott in a padded room with only a mirror and a supply of Luna bars pumped to the brim with HGH. And, well, this is the result.












BOO YAH!!!
















I don't really see why that was necessary... but, maybe this is a bigger issue than I though. How long has he been in there? Ten, twelve weeks?
















Ten minutes.











BOO YAH!!! [drools]

...

And now its time to pick the games until they scab and bleed! But first, ATNFLWM is brought to you by:

Turd Burglers! The new film starring Rob Schneider! What would happen if an ordinary business man was, through a freak accident, suddenly turned into a turd! And then stolen by some mafia guys! Hilarity will ensue, thats what! Come see Turd Burglers, starring Rob Schneider!

and by:

New T.O. Brand Asprin. The brand that will get people talking!
Person 1: Hey! Whats that?
Person 2: I need a new contract. [falls over]

And now its time to pick the games until they scab and bleed! But first, in deference to the Man, all picks were tested by being injected into the eyes of baby seals.

Arizona at Atlanta
-Theres only one thing that can stop Michael Vick and his sub-50% completion percentage: Michael Vick and his sub-30% completion percentage! Go Falcs!
-In show of solidarity toward their quarterback, entire Cardinals team plans to simultaneously fumble.
Pick: Atlanta

Dallas at Tennessee
-HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!
Pick: Dallas

Indianapolis at NY Jets
-Has anyone seen the commercial where Peyton Manning comes out of a football at midfield like an alien coming out of an egg (or something)? What the F is up with that S?
Pick: Indy

Miami at Houston
-At over 260 lbs., Dante Culpepper apparently a larger joke than I thought.
-Last week I watched the Redskins/Houston game, and wow, are the Texans bad. Seriously, they're terrible. I'm not sure if they're better than the Raiders or not, but they'd give them a run for their crapiness.
Pick: Miami

Minnesota at Buffalo
-JP Losman like OJ Simpson, minus talent and murders.
-Cleaning out my basement the other day I came across the remains of an old newspaper that had mostly decomposed into dirt. I did find a small bit that was readable, which contained the date, July 7, 1972. This makes it official: Brad Johnson is older than dirt.
Pick: Minnesota

New Orleans at Carolina
-Glad we solved that whole New Orleans thing.
-Panthers are team version of Eli Manning: they don't bother actually playing until the end.
Pick: Carolina

San Diego at Baltimore
-MFSAFP(p!)! Fearless Prediction #1: Steve McNair will tear something this week!
-Chargers head coach Marty Schottenheimer had a terrible dream last night. He dreamt he had won an NFL game, but was not wearing any pants. Thank God it was just a dream... or was it!
Pick: Baltimore

San Francisco at Kansas City
-With loss of Vernon Davis, 49ers down to only one talented player left, and unfortunately Steve Young is retired.
-If you know anyone who can play quarterback in the NFL, please call 1-800-KCC-HIEF immediately.
Pick: KC

Detroit at St Louis
-Matt Millen hatching devious and overly complicated plan to lose
-Did you know if you stare at Mike Martz long enough and relax your eyes, you'll see a sail boat?
Pick: St. Louis

Cleveland at Oakland
-Raiders might be only team in NFL history better off without a head coach.
-Originally it was thought that Cleveland Tight End Kellen Winslow, Jr. would be out this week after being hit by an asteroid. However, subsequent research revealed that it wasn't an asteroid at all, but a bowl of rice pudding launched by Romeo Crennel.
Pick: Cleveland

Jacksonville at Washington
-Jacksonville QB Byron Leftwich, who grew up in Washington DC, has spent the week regaling the media with stories about how he used to sneak into RFK to urinate. Like that makes him special or something. Who in DC hasn't done that?
-Crazy Clinton Portis' new character: Injury Man! Ha ha! Stop it, Clinton, my sides hurt! OWW! Hey, its working!
Pick: Jacksonville

New England at Cincinnati
-Game has been forfeited to New England, as entire Bengals team has been preemptively arrested.
-Tom Brady would like you to give his receivers back now, please. He doesn't think this is very funny.
Pick: Cincinnati

Seattle at Chicago
-Example of effectiveness of Chicago defense: Mike Holmgren went outside Chicago hotel with cup of coffee. He was about to take a sip, when Mike Brown came out of nowhere to bat it away.
Pick: Chicago

Green Bay at Philadelphia
-City of Philadelphia has new plan to eliminate excess waste: feed it to Andy Reid! Cause he's fat and he'll eat it!
-MFSAFP(p!)! Fearless Prediction #2: Brett Favre throws 5 interceptions this week!
-There has been a disappearance of prescription bottles in the Philadelphia area over the past 24 hours. Anyone who knows anything about this is urged to contact the Philadelphia area Police Department as soon as possible.
Pick: Points: 28

Next Week: I stick a can of coke up my ass and call it art. Stay tuned!

WEEK FOUR: T.O.D

Week 4 is here (finally!) and with it a story more crazy than a Detroit Lions coach driving drunk and nude, more unbelievable than every Cincinnati Bengals player getting arrested for DUI (I'm pretty sure that has actually happened), and more insane than Mike "No, Kittah, thats MY meat helmet!" Martz.

On the off chance that any of you lives on planet Reptor, last night, well, I'll just let Bill "Man-bra" Parcells tell the story: Last night "The Player" took tons of "The Pills" from "The Bottle" and put them in "The Mouth" in attempt to cause "The Death."

Now, there are many many different jokes to be made about this. Sometimes they are even funny (in contrast to the one above). Here are only a small sampling:

1. T.O. is now T.O.D.
2. I didn't know T.O. cared that much about Byron Nelson.
3. There must be a way to blame this on Donovan McNabb.
4. This is T.O.s new and improved way of asking to renegotiate his contract.
5. The pills belonged to Michael Irvin.

Clearly there is much more where this came from, and you can expect more of this each week here at MFSAFP(p!)!.

Anyway, it is actually Week 4, and there are some actual football games to actually play this weekend. I, for one, can't wait:

Arizona at Atlanta
Dallas at Tennessee
Indianapolis at NY Jets
Miami at Houston
Minnesota at Buffalo
New Orleans at Carolina
San Diego at Baltimore
San Francisco at Kansas City
Detroit at St Louis
Cleveland at Oakland
Jacksonville at Washington
New England at Cincinnati
Seattle at Chicago
Green Bay at Philadelphia (+ total points)

The games begin on Sunday, so I'll take your picks up until 1pm EST on Sunday. As always, send your picks to matthew.kory@gmail.com. And, in the words of a great American, "Hey Drew, you gonna finish those pills?"

Thank you and good night.

WINNER AND STANDINGS: WEEK 3

I now proclaim to you, brothers and sisters, that Coach "Joe" Gibbs is back! All ye who enter the NFC East shall cower in his presence! None can measure up to his stature! No man is his equal, forst he hath beaten a certain team from Texas who... wait a minute... what?... Seriously? Who the hell are the "Texans"?

Ok, so my Redskins got smoked most righteously by Dallas last week. But they did slightly redeem themselves this week, by returning from the land of the dead (Texas) as victors (that’s, people named 'Victor') over Houston, a city whose pro football team is only surpassed in crappiness by their air quality. In other NFL news the Eagles played yet another rotten opponent and won (get used to this, folks), the Giants played a good team and got smoked like reefer at Ricky Williams apartment, and the Cardinals, Browns and Bucs all spit the proverbial bit.

So, week 3 is now behind us, and I was right. No, not about the games. About those I was wrong (mostly), but I was right that week 3 would be a bear. A big blood-thirsty bear, with claws and teeth and stuff... RAWR!! The kind of bear that consistently occupies the top spot on the Colbert Report's weekly 'Threatdown' feature. Favorites went 8-6 this week, people, and that’s what we here at MFSAFP(p!)! call a difficult week.

So, with out further ado, lets get right to the Week 3 standings! (By the way, if anyone knows how to import a damn excel spreadsheet into blogger, let me know. It'll improve the look of the standings immeasurably.)

Andy Harris 10-4
Dave Labowitz 9-5
Jon Stover 9-5
Joey Bansen 8-6
Sandy Kory 8-6
Karl Vaillancourt 8-6
Matthew Kory 7-7
Matthew Mariam 7-7
Scott Rozsa 7-7
George Smith 7-7
Joshu Shih 7-7
Bill Denton 6-8
Zach Klein 6-8

That’s right! I finished tied for 4th! Hooray for me! Oh, and Andy Harris won. Whoo. So an official MFSAFP(p!)! Congratulations to Andy! You win an official Suri Cruise diaper bag autographed *ahem* by Suri herself! Actually, no, unfortunately you win the MFSAFP(p!)! Standard Weekly Prize (SWP) of $52. I recommend putting it all into oil stocks.

So, how does this affect the yearly standings? Well, here's your answer:

Joey Bansen 30-16
Jon Stover 30-16
Dave Labowitz 29-17
Andy Harris 29-17
Matthew Kory 29-17
Joshu Shih 29-17
Karl Vaillancourt 29-17
Bill Denton 28-18
Zach Klein 28-18
Sandy Kory 28-18
Scott Rozsa 27-19
Matthew Mariam 25-21
George Smith 25-21

Even after the brutal beating that was Week 3 we've got a two-way tie at the top, with only five games separating the field. So, again, congrats to Andy for his Week 3 victory, and good luck to all of you in This Week 4 of Our Lord, the NFL season. I'll be posting this week's games either later today or tomorrow. Till then!

Bill’s Week 3 Sendup: Rattling Some Sabres

Week 3: Get Thee To Thy Yak-Shaving (aka, I Told Ya Brady Quinn Would Start Tanking)

I was going to open this week’s missive with a li’l progress report on the NFC East, but Matty already did that at the conclusion of Week 2. However, his analysis called to mind a three-legged cat trying to bury turds on a frozen pond, so I’ll take a crack at it myself.

Salaried pundits and lesser bloviators such as myself deemed the NFC East to be the league’s best division top to bottom at the outset of the season, and that’s looking dubious at best at this point. It certainly looks like it’ll be competitive, but, in short, none of these teams are particularly good. I don’t believe there’s an 11-win colossus in the bunch.

Dallas, currently at 1-1, appeared to me to be the best team in the division before the season, and they still do. Their loss at Jacksonville prompted the usual hysteria among Cowboys fans, but it can basically be explained in brief thusly: Drew Bledsoe had a lousy game and Jacksonville is beyond legit. The 12-round TKO of the Steelers – in which the Jags, on both sides of the ball, lined up and shoved Pittsburgh around consistently – tells me they’re going to make quite a few QBs look the way they made Bledsoe look. (See: “turds, three-legged cat.”) Their offensive line can be exploited by a good defense, and Lactatin’ Bill Parcells’ unparalleled “grocery-buying” skills have led him to a first-round pick who is apparently such a dullard that he can’t even get onto the field, but beyond that they’re nearly solvent.

The New York Everybody Wang Chung Tonight Giants, also at 1-1, have looked alternately great and terrible, inspired and aimless. Honestly, I don’t think they’re quite as good as the Eagles, but after last week’s level-3 meltdown by the Eagles, I’m putting ‘em here. Their performance overall last week, taken separately from the actual results of the game, suggest that the Giants are going to get pummeled early and often. They have severe trouble pass-blocking, stopping the run, getting pressure on the quarterback, covering intermediate pass routes over the middle, covering deep pass patterns, kicking field goals, and keeping their fucking mouths shut when things aren’t going their way.

The Philadelphia Eagles, yet another 1-1 team, has certainly played well enough to be 2-0, but the problems that cropped up in that full-scale bridge collapse against the Giants may be even more severe than the nuts-and-bolts issues that plague the New York Liberty Cabbage Giants. In short, they had their opponent completely pistolwhipped and turning on itself and proceeded to commit an astounding series of mistakes that cost them the game – it wasn’t just one tremendous backfire like Carolina’s ill-advised special-teams lateral last week; rather, it was a systematic, almost scripted-looking collapse. (I kept expecting that Okie half-wit Jeremy Shockey to start waggling his pointed index finger around like Hulk Hogan.) Teams with personnel and schematic shortcomings can sometimes play over their heads and win big games; teams that don’t appear interested in paying the price to win… well, uh, they don’t win.

The Washington Redskins, at 0-2 and dropping like Chris Pontius’ pants, are shaping up to be the whipping boy no one expected would exist in this division. I loves me some Clinton Portis just as much as anyone, but his absence is being overestimated among the causes of Washington’s early-season failures. Portis’ absence is behind the following things (and possibly others) on Ye Olde List O’ Problems: (1) Mark Brunell looks positively cadaveric and the coaches don’t feel comfortable starting any other QB, and (2) without Shawn Springs, their cornerbacks can’t cover a godforsaken thing, which has absolutely crippled Gregg Williams’ ability to pressure opposing quarterbacks. (In short, dudes who was goin’ forwards last year is goin’ backwards this year.) Springs will be back in due time, and perhaps Todd Collins or Jason Campbell will get a shot at the QB spot and actually make, like, two or three decent throws a game, but they may be in too deep a hole by the time they can sort it all out.

Now, the quick-pickin’, fun-strummin’ Week 3 predictionicating!

I am the decider – I decide who will win these games.

Carolina at Tampa Bay
-John Gruden is hoping the Redskins’ coaching staff finally gives up on Mark Brunell and cuts him; he’ll be starting for the Bucs the following week.
-Gruden is aging at an unprecedented rate among people who are not heads of state, but is vowing to stay in shape so he’ll end up looking more like Joe Gibbs than Lactatin’ Bill Parcells (aka “The Cartoona”).
Pick: Carolina

Chicago at Minnesota
-Because no work is permitted to be done on Rosh Hashanah, I’m a little shaky on Rex Grossman this week. However, I’m not entirely clear on whether playing NFL football constitutes work, and Sandy Koufax has yet to return my calls.
Pick: Chicago

Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
-Carson Palmer’s injured left knee was reconstructed with the Achilles tendon of Julie DeRossi, a 41-year-old organ donor from Houston who was killed when her car was hit at 117 mph by a drunken SUV driver, who is currently serving 5 years in prison. The rest of her body parts have been transplanted into Mark Brunell.
Pick: Cincinnati (short-week disadvantage, vol. I)

Green Bay at Detroit
-Think back to every great thing you have ever seen Brett Favre do. Okay, ready? Was he in a dome, clad in a white jersey, for ANY of them?
OK, now forget them. He sure as hell has.
-This week Matt Millen is gonna show his staff who wears the pants in the Detroit Lions organization: No one! (Waka waka waka!)
Pick: Detroit

Jacksonville at Indianapolis
-Man, how inebriated was Jimmy Smith during that sideline interview Monday night? He could barely keep his eyes open. I kept expecting him to say to Suzy Kolber, “I don’t care if the team is strugg-a-ling, Byron Leftwich is the slowest brotha I’ve ever seen.”
Pick: Indianapolis (short-week disadvantage, vol. II)

NY Jets at Buffalo
-Before this game, Ralph Wilson stadium is hosting a promotional appearance by Bills legend O.J. Simpson, who will be autographing butcher knives, “I'm Sorry I Killed Those White People, O.J. Simpson.”
Pick: Buffalo

Tennessee at Miami
-We’ve secretly replaced the Miami Dolphins with dark, rich Folgers Crystals. Let’s see if anyone notices…
Pick: Miami

Washington at Houston
-After this game, lobbying group for the deaf to drop lawsuit, publicly wish for blindness as well.
Pick: Houston

Baltimore at Cleveland
-Just to provide a visual companion to the Ravens’ game plans over the years, Brian Billick is going to have Ray Lewis haul him onto the sidelines in a rickshaw at the beginning of this game.
Pick: Baltimore

New York Pork Barrel Spending Giants at Seattle
-Why is it that when Eli Manning blindly throws off his back foot into double coverage and the ball is caught, he’s raved about as a gutsy playmaker, but when Jake Plummer does the same thing, he’s verbally throttled as careless?
Pick: New York The Bong-Rattling Bass Of Mel Schacher Giants

Philadelphia at San Francisco
-“Joselio Hanson” has become a household name, which is a bad thing on a nearly incomprehensible number of levels.
-Evidently the FOX telecast missed it, but my Philly insider has informed me that, coming out of a TV timeout late in the third quarter last week at Lincoln Financial Field, Chico Ruiz ran onto the field and stole home.
Pick: San Francisco

St Louis at Arizona
-Borderline illiterate Bill Mass (aka “The Butcher of Oxford”) last week called Larry Fitzgerald “the antithesis of everything you would want in a wide receiver.” No, Billy Boy, a thousand times no: either the word you’re looking for is “epitome” or the receiver you’re looking for is Antonio Bryant.
Pick: Arizona

Denver at New England
-I just figured out the reason for the discrepant media coverage between Eli Manning and Jake Plummer: Joe Buck isn’t calling the Broncos games.
Pick: New England

Atlanta at New Orleans
-It’s tough to bother with subplots when we’re looking at the first game in the Superdome since Katrina made landfall, but do your best to take note of the fact that the Falcons have resorted to running a high-school offense to minimize the noxious impact of Michael Vick’s quarterbacking.
Pick: Atlanta (31 pts.)

Bye week: Kansas City, Oakland, San Diego, Cowboys except for Soul Brother No. 81

Dave Fleming ripped it off of Don Russell, and now I’m ripping it off Dave Fleming: This column was written while drinking Two Rows Route 66 Amber, eating miniature corn dogs from the catering truck, and listening to the empty, unctuous bleatings of marketing executives with at least four different foreign accents.

WEEK THREE: WIPE YOUR EYES WITH THIS, EH?

So, we're up to week 3 already. After looking over these games I have a hunch that this week is going to separate the men from the boys a little bit. Or at least screw some people over. I for one have no idea who I'm going to pick for about 8 of these games. So, yeah, good luck.

Always send yr picks to matthew.kory@gmail.com, preferably by Saturday, though I will take picks up until Sunday 1pm EST. Remember to include your total points for the Monday Night game (which is the last game listed below). Some of you didn't include the points last week, and it makes it difficult to win the weekly standard prize without the points, eh.

Anyway, enough with the lecture. Heres this week's roster:

Carolina at Tampa Bay
Chicago at Minnesota
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh
Green Bay at Detroit
Jacksonville at Indianapolis
NY Jets at Buffalo
Tennessee at Miami
Washington at Houston
Baltimore at Cleveland
NY Giants at Seattle
Philadelphia at San Francisco
St Louis at Arizona
Denver at New England
Atlanta at New Orleans

Good luck!

WINNER AND STANDINGS: WEEK 2

Piss poor: Blogger isn't letting me upload any hilarious photos for some reason. [edit: and now it is. weird-ass blogger.] Anyway, a most generous how-de-do, gang. Week 2 of the fabulous NFL season is behind us, and that means only one thing: We have a winner!

But before I get into that I'd just like to mention what a massive train-wreck the NFC East has become, and no team moreso than my Washington Redskins. [Kindly see above photo.] But leaving their pee-wee league-ish ineptness aside for a moment, lets just take a quick look at the other three teams in that division if only because it'll make me feel better.

NY Bridezilla Giants (1-1): Apparently their defense is really good, unless you count all those pesky points they allow. Also their quarterback doesn't feel it necessary to, you know, play football, until the fourth quarter rolls around. I smell the over-clutch-icizing of a mediocre quarterback!

Philadelphia Egos (1-1): Their defense looked good for the first seven quarters of the season. Apparently nobody told them we play the full eight up here, gentleman. Also, they just lost possibly their best (known?) defender for the season with about twelve different types of knee strains. Hey, good luck with that.

Dallas Cowgirls (1-1): They have the most immobile object at quarterback since the invention of the object way back in 1612. (God forbid the Redskins blitz, by the way.) Fortunately they make up for this by having a head coach with breasts.

OK, enough of that. On to MFSAFP(p!)! The final standings for week 2 (pending any mistakes that I've made) are as follows:

Zach Klein (14-2)
Bill Denton (13-3)
Joshu Shih (13-3)
Matt Kory (12-4)
George Smith (12-4)
Joey Bansen (11-5)
Dave Labowitz (11-5)
Sandy Kory (11-5)
Jon Stover (11-5)
Andy Harris (10-6)
Scott Rozsa (10-6)
Karl Vaillancourt (10-6)
Matthew Mariam (9-7)

Congratulations, Zach! Your the big weiner this week! You win a 6 month subscription to Cat Fancy, and a set of partially consumed flavored syrups that I stole from IHop! Yeah! Actually, you win the MFSAFP(p!)! standard weekly prize (SWP) of $52. Don't spend it all in one place!

And now, the current yearly standings for MFSAFP(p!)!:

Joey Bansen 22-10
Bill Denton 22-10
Zach Klein 22-10
Matt Kory 22-10
Joshu Shih 22-10
Jon Stover 21-11
Karl Vaillancourt 21-11
Dave Labowitz 20-12
Sandy Kory 20-12
Scott Rozsa 20-12
Andy Harris 19-13
Matthew Mariam 18-14
George Smith 18-14

Thats right, its currently a five-way tie for first, with only a four game swing separating first from thirteenth place. This is one close race gentlemen.

Week 3 begins at 1pm (EST) on Sunday September 24th. Get me your picks by Saturday morning if possible. I'm going to be down in the DC area for the weekend, and I'd like to set everything up before I leave.

Again, congrats to Zach, and good luck to you all this coming week.

WEEK TWO: AROUND THE NFL WITH MATTY!

Week 2: Grasping At Straws (With Which To Insert)

Welcome to Week 2 here at Around the NFL with Matty (ATNFLWM)! After witnessing both the Eagles systematic demolition of the Texans and my Redskins implosion against a surprisingly decent Minnesota team, I’m now fully into football-mode (Football-Mode copyright 2006, Schpeegle Industries, Chicago 60609). Football mode can be discerned in many different ways. One such way is this:

Matt’s Fiancé: What do you want for dinner, Matt?

Matt: I want Mark Brunell to stop being such a GOD DAMN PUSSY!!

Matt’s Fiancé: [walks away]

It doesn’t hurt that my Red Sox are almost as dead as the crocodile hunter. Interesting aside: The day after Steve “The Croc Hunter” Irwin died, I had the following exchange with a friend of mine:

Me: Hey Paul, what’s the difference between The Crocodile Hunter and the Raiders offense?
Paul: …oh, Jesus…
Me: Nothing! They’re exactly alike! Ha ha!
Paul: [walks away]

So I ask you, when exactly is it appropriate to begin to make jokes about a tragedy? I had been operating on the five-second rule, but recently someone told me that that rule only applies to food that has been dropped on the floor. Is it inappropriate to make fun of something that is admittedly unfortunate, yet not personal? It’s not like I knew the guy, and my friend didn’t know him either, but then TV does give us the false impression that we know people we’ve never met. By all accounts, Irwin was a nice guy who cared for nature a great deal (making his untimely death all the more ironic). However, nice people die every day, and most of them are not nearly as fortunate as Irwin was. What to do… I think I’m going to stick with the five-second rule.

So, my humor hasn’t been up to snuff recently, but that’ll surely change, as we move to Week 2, where I can falsely award the prize money to someone who didn’t actually win again! Yeah!

This week’s episode of ATNFLWM is brought to you by:

Mike Timlin Airways: Free one way trips, as long as your going over the wall.

And by:

Touch of Red: The leader in women’s panty coloring

And now to the picks! But first, remember these picks are for monkeys only. Any use of these picks by actual human beings could result in heart palpitations and oily stool.

Buffalo at Miami
• When oh when will women stop naming their babies Dick? Aren’t we past that as a society yet?
• If you need any weed or anything, Ricky Williams knows some people, yo.
Pick: Miami

Carolina at Minnesota
• John Fox has an answer for everything, except Brad Childress’ ‘stache.
• Steve Smith to be replaced in this week’s lineup by Wile E. Coyote. A large box of portable holes and dehydrated boulders labeled “Acme” near Smith’s locker tipped off the press.
Pick: Minnesota

Cleveland at Cincinnati
• Cleveland football fans named “greatest football fans” by Cleveland Football Fan magazine.
• ATNFLWM has obtained a secret document outlining Chad Johnson’s new NFL-approved touchdown celebrations. Here are a few of them:
o Johnson strips down to underwear and plays air guitar al-la Tom Cruise in Risky Business
o Johnson pulls football ‘out’ of ref’s ear
o Johnson runs back to line of scrimmage and re-runs his route again, but this time in slow motion, punctuating it by throwing the ball up in the air and catching it in the end zone.
Pick: Cincinnati

Detroit at Chicago
• I have seen the enemy and it is Matt Millen.
• In attempt to improve the self image of the Bears offense, coach Lovie Smith has mandated all offensive players have penile enlargement surgery.
Pick: Chicago

Houston at Indianapolis
• Wonder of wonders, Vol. 1: Texans didn’t play a bad first half of football against the Eagles last week
• Surprise, Surprise, Vol. 1: Texans played a lousy second half of football against the Eagles last week.
• Hey! Peyton Manning would like you to buy something!
Pick: Indianapolis

New Orleans at Green Bay
• City of New Orleans to apply for 2010 Underwater Olympics
• Unfortunately for us fans, the Packers are not scheduled to play the Raiders this season, a game that would surely rival the worst game in NFL history, where, in 1934 the Akron Blue Balls narrowly defeated the Scranton Asthmatics 1-0. The Blue Balls managed to score the only point of the game when Asthmatics quarterback, “Scrumptious” Sammy Dingleberry suffered a heart attack and died, falling backwards on the football, which became lodged in his rectum. At the time, by obscure rule, if the ball physically entered the body of a player and remained there for 32 seconds, the opposing team was awarded a single point.
Pick: New Orleans

NY “fecal mass” Giants at Philadelphia
• Eagles coach Andy Reid can eat my butt! And might!
• In order to fire team up for game, Giants head coach Tom Coughlin forcing entire team to come to his house for a muumuu party where they’ll eat soufflé, drink sweet tea, and watch Little Orphan Annie cartoons.
Pick: Philadelphia

Oakland at Baltimore
• “Nu-tin! You got nu-tin! You understand me? Nu-tin!” - Al Pachino on the Raiders offense.
• Ravens superbowl dreams to be dashed when it is revealed that Steve McNair’s contract calls for him to get injured in fourth week of the season.
Pick: Baltimore

Tampa Bay at Atlanta
• Amazing Michael Vick’s sub-50% completion percentage surely helping Falcons win.
• Disappointed Bucs to call it a season. “After last week, well, we just can’t… well, we’re done. Just done,” said an emotional Simeon Rice.
Pick: Atlanta

Arizona at Seattle
• Deion Branch unhappy with new contract signed yesterday, and is demanding a trade. “I’m not the same man I was yesterday,” said Branch. “We all change. I’m a different person than at 4:30 Thursday afternoon. I need more money.”
• Everything Cardinals offense is, Cardinals defense isn’t.
• As the kids say, Dennis Green can “bring the crazy.’
Pick: Seattle

St Louis at San Francisco
• 49ers championship hopes hinge on massive airplane crash wherein all 31 other NFL teams simultaneously collide into each other.
• Privately, some Rams miss former crazy head coach Mike Martz. Said Isaac Bruce, “I remember one time when Mike came into the locker room after a particularly tough loss. He had a cup of yellow Gatorade with him that he was sipping as he looked us over. Finally someone asked him why he was drinking Gatorade, and he said its not Gatorade, its baboon urine. I miss that man…”
Pick: St. Louis

Kansas City at Denver
• Danger! Danger! Mike Shanahan’s front teeth grow stronger by the day!
• Chief’s defense to taken away from “Gunther” Cunningham and given to “Great Googily Moogily” guy from Snickers commercial.
• Champ Baily now has his own cologne. The cologne is called “Baily.”
Pick: Denver

New England at NY Jets
• Jets coach Eric Mangini so concerned that Patriots will learn about his offense that he has sequestered them in a bunker deep in the Alps of southern Germany.
• Patriots coach Bill Belichick has a pullover sweatshirt with pasta-roni stains for every occasion.
Pick: New England

Tennessee at San Diego
• Titans coach Jeff Fischer unsure who to use as his starting quarterback. His choices are as follows:
o Spanky McGee
o President Abraham Lincoln
o Mr. Poon
o A muskrat named Filbert.
Pick: San Diego

Washington at Dallas
• Surprisingly, having Tom Cruise sitting next to him at FedEx Field last Monday night did not engender any positive comments about Redskins owner Dan Snyder.
• Snyder to use entire Redskins team to star in first movie from his new production company: Mission Impossible IV: Na ga ha pa!
• Dallas coach Bill Parcells has been receiving calls from small breasted women who want to know his secret.
Pick: Dallas

Pittsburgh at Jacksonville
• City of Jacksonville still unsure why the have an NFL team.
• Steelers Bill Cowher still on the proverbial fence about retirement. “On one hand I enjoy spewing spittle at NFL athletes,” said Cowher, “ but on the other hand I think I’d enjoy the challenge of spewing spittle on pee-wee leaguers.”
• Making a joke about Jacksonville is as difficult as making a joke about any little piss-ant town that nobody’s ever heard off. How do they have a team and Wichita Kansas doesn’t?
Pick: Pittsburgh (20 points)

Next week: I take up knitting! Stay tuned!