Week 16: Under Construction

Sorry for the delay, folks. I'm down in DC, away from my computer and all the stats it has on it. I'll be back in Philly tonight (where I live) and I'll do my best to get the results and week 17 schedule up soon after I arrive this evening.

-M

Week 7: Update: Don't Worry, I Still Suck

Last night I spoke with pool(poop!) participant Bill Denton on the phone. We had a nice gentlemanly conversation wherein he accused me of having sex with furniture and I countered by claiming that it was consensual. (It wasn't! Shhhh!)

Of course we also discussed the pool(poop!)! and the fact that Bill is one of the people who is in the running for the WSP this week. I claimed that he was a shoe-in to win this week for reasons I'll get to. Bill claimed that even if it seemed so, his typically abominable luck would do him in. Ever known someone who could get hit with a piano while standing in the middle of a cornfield? Bill's your man. Will Bill's luck hold out, or will the WSP slip through his chicken-stained (?) fingers yet again? Tune in right now to find out!!

To the update!

There was consensus on many games this week. Everyone picked the Charges, Patriots, Colts, and Jets to win. Only one person picked against the Saints, Texans, and Packers. So there's a lot of parity this week.

Heck, even yours truly is 8-4, which gives you the lower bounds of performance this week. The upper bound is ten wins, which four people have. We'll get to the weekly standings tomorrow, but for now things look like this:

10 Wins: Bill Denton, Joey Bansen, Alex Mena, and Sandy Kory

Picked Philly to win tonight: Bill & Joey

Picked Washington to win tonight and should see a doctor immediately: Sandy & Alex

If Philly wins tonight, Bill wins the pool because Joey did not send in his Monday Night Points on time. Sorry Joey. I wish I could accept the points, but it just ain't fair to the other kids.

If Washington wins tonight, well, I'll shit a brick. Then I'll put on my "Brad Johnson" jersey, the one with the duct tape over "Johnson" on the back, and run around my neighborhood until I'm beaten within inches of my life, or for a minute, which ever happens first. But if a whole in the earth swallows the Eagles and the Redskins win, then the total point breakdown looks thusly:

Sandy: 30 points

Alex: 31 points

So, if DC wins tonight and if the total score is 0-30, Sandy will win the WSP. If DC wins and the total score is 31 or above, Alex will win.

But neither of you peeps has a chance cause there isn't a chance in hell that the Redskins... HEY!! WATCH OUT!!! PIANO!!! AHHHHHH!!!!!

Back tomorrow with the final standings for the week, the Current Overall Standings (COS) and a bunch of other garbage you'll probably just skip over.

.

Week 3: Results

Holy poop on a stick, peeps, it's Tuesday morning and here I am in my apartment having sworn off coffee for a week to my wife. [front door closes....five minutes pass] Now that I've got my coffee, I'm ready to talk some football, dammit!

Quite the eventful week here at MTAFP(p!)!HQ. I managed to cash in a few favors for the wife and head down to the New Wave in South Philly to watch the Redskins game. Actually watched the debacle unfold next to five other Skins fans...*sigh*... But hey, at least the Redskins next opponent is Tampa, who isn't any better than Detroit (or Washington for that matter). Should be interesting to see who everyone picks in that game. Kinda reminds me of the South Park episode where the school has to pick a new mascot and the choices are Turd Sandwich or Giant Douche.

But you all didn't come here to read about my sad sad sad sad life. No, it's pool(poop) time, baby.

To the Pool(poop!)! Poop!

As you may remember from yesterday's update, we had a three horse race between Dan Sinclair, Gedeon Mariam, and Adam Roy. This was the breakdown of MNP:

If the score is...
... 34 or less, everyone will be over, but Gedeon will be the closest, so he'll win.
... between 35 and 44, Gedeon will win.
... between 45 and 53, Adam will win.
... 54 or over, Dan will win.

The final score of the Dallas/Carolina game was Dallas 21, Carolina 7. As 28 is less than 35, everyone went over, which means the one with the closest prediction wins, and as that happens to be Gedeon! Again! Shit!

So, congratulations, Gedeon, on your second win in three f'n weeks! You bastard! This week's prize is a live baby, delivered directly to your house via FedEx (please allow 2-3 weeks for delivery)! Enjoy your baby, Gedeon, and if anyone asks where you got it, you tell 'em you won it in Matty's Third Annual Football Pool (poop!)! Though I wouldn't put that on your taxes...

No, sadly, Gedeon wins the Weekly Standard Prize! of $70. It should be just enough to convert into small bills and smack his brother in the face with for picking Cleveland over Denver last week.

Here are the final standings for Week 3:

1. Gedeon Mariam...12-4

1. Adam Roy...12-4

1. Dan Sinclair...12-4

4. Josh Money...11-5

4. Bill Denton...11-5

4. Joey Bansen...11-5

4. Sandy Kory...11-5

4. Dave Labowitz...11-5

4. Karl Vaillancourt...11-5

4. John Weaver...11-5

4. George Smith...11-5

12. Zack Klein...10-6

12. Jon Stover...10-6

14. ME Goddammit!...9-7

14. Matthew Mariam...9-7

16. Alex Mena...8-8

And here are the Current Overall Standings (COS):

1. Gedeon Mariam...36-12

2. George Smith...33-15

3. Dan Sinclair...32-16

3. John Weaver...32-16

3. Adam Roy...32-16

3. Bill Denton...32-16

3. Joey Bansen...32-16

3. Jon Stover...32-16

9. Zack Klein...31-17

9. Karl Vaillancourt...31-17

9. Dave Labowitz...31-17

9. Alex Mena...31-17

13. Sandy Kory...30-18

13. Matthew Mariam...30-18

13. Josh Money...30-18

16. At Least You Know I'm Not Cheating...28-20

You may notice two things besides the fact that you aren't winning (unless you are in the process of changing your name to Gedeon). Gedeon is kicking the shit out of all of us. A three game lead over the whole pack after three weeks? I'm not sure I've ever seen that before in the pool(poop!). Also, you'll see that I'm bringing up the rear two games behind everyone, and a full eight games behind Gedeon. Oh. My. God. I suck. My football team sucks. My fantasy football teams suck. I suck.

And with that, I leave you, good pool(poop!) participant to another fabulous week of life to enjoy. Just remember, don't lift your head too high above the cubicle wall, lest a large hand with a padded mallet descend from the ceiling and smack yo' ass back down.

Week 4 schedule to come shortly...