WEEK 14 UPDATE

"Duuh... huh?"

Its that time of year again!

You mean the Christmas season, Matt?

No, italicized voice in my head.

Oh, you must mean you're busy with finals.

You must be the dumbest italicized voice ever! No, its the time of year where I sabotage my grades, my friendships, and my relationship to watch a football team utterly devoid of all hope; a football team so bad that they can completely dominate an opponent on both sides of the ball and, through sheer force of will, lose.

So, heres the update for Week 14:

There are three people in contention for the Weekly Standard Prize. Those people are:

Zack Klein (9 wins)
Joshu Shih (9 wins)
Me!! (9 wins)

Everyone picked Chicago (and rightly so) for the Monday nighter, so it'll come down tototal points. Remember, its the total points without going over. If everyone goes over its the person who comes closest. So here are our guesses for the total points scored tonight:

Matt: 21
Joshu: 35
Zack: 36

Yes, thats right, Joshu's F'd. Oh well, it was a good try, buddy. Better luck next week. I'll be back tomorrow with the Week 14 wrap up and the updated total standings. We had some people make a run at the top this week, so things are tightening up for the stretch run.

Mmmm... runs...

Mark Maske Can't Pick The Games Very Well At All

Seen this before, Bill?

Just a quick note, the Washington Post's NFL writer, Mark Maske, picks all the winners of each game each week, just as we do. Guess where he'd rank if he was in our little pool here?

12th.

Thats right, 12th place. And he gets paid for his crapitude. His record is 110-82. That means that eleven of us are better at doing his job than he is. Yay, we're better than him! Ha ha! Except Dave Labowitz, who, quite frankly, stopped trying somewhere around Week 6. Its OK, Dave. We all love you anyway.

WEEK FOURTEEN

"And I LOVE whores!"

Week 14 begins this Thursday at 8pm EST. Be sure to get all of your picks to me by then. Here's the slate for Week 14:

Cleveland at Pittsburgh
Atlanta at Tampa Bay
Baltimore at Kansas City
Buffalo at NY Jets
Indianapolis at Jacksonville
Minnesota at Detroit
New England at Miami
New Orleans at Dallas
NY "regifted Balsam & Cedar scented candle" Giants at Carolina
Oakland at Cincinnati
Philadelphia at Washington
Tennessee at Houston
Green Bay at San Francisco
Seattle at Arizona
Denver at San Diego
Chicago at St Louis (plus total points)

..AND WE'RE BACK! (WEEK 13 WINNER AND STANDINGS)

"I can't believe we lost to... Herpes?"
or

"After that brief and regrettable trip to the circus, I never talked to her or it again."

So, the stupid Eagles finally won something. So f'n what. Go f yrselfs, Eagles fans. The Eagles might have won, and they might still be in the playoff chase, but I've never heard an entire stadium turn on its team so quickly as the fans at the Linc did tonight. Gutless. We're with you as long as yr winning. Thats the message it sent. As soon as something bad happens, "BOOOO!! Waaah... BOOO!"

With invective like that you'd think I live in Philly... wait, I do! So, the real reason I'm pissed that the Eagles won, besides the fact that I hate the Eagles, is that now I have to change the standings. You see, yesterday, rather than write one of my term papers I decided to go through and set up my spreadsheet to see where I am in the final standings for Week 13 and the overall standings. To do that, I had to provide an outcome for the Monday Night game. So I went through and put that the Eagles lost (it seemed the most likely outcome at the time), and then wrote up the results based on that. So, now I have to go back through and change the whole damn thing. Stupid Jeff Garcia...

So, yeah, here's the final (correct and edited) edition of the Week 13 standings:

1. Matthew Mariam, 11-5
2. Andy Harris, 10-6
3. Scott Rozsa, 9-7
4. Joey Bansen, 8-8
5. George Smith, 8-8
6. Jon Stover, 8-8
7. Karl Vaillancourt, 8-8
8. Bill Denton, 8-8
9. Joshu Shih, 8-8
10. Matthew Kory, 8-8
11. Zack Klein, 7-9
12. Sandy Kory, 7-9
13. Dave Labowitz 5-11

You'll notice that, for the most part, we all bit the big one this week. All except Matthew Mariam!! Congrats, Matt! I knew someone named Matt would win this week. Now, instead of you owing me $100, I owe you $4! Either that or 1/2 a cup of coffee at Starbucks, right? Anyway, we'll settle up over X-mas. Now stop winning stuff!

Not too much change in the overall standings was the result as you can see here in the updated-through-Week-13 overall standings:

1. Joey Bansen, 120-72
2. Sandy Kory, 120-72
3. Jon Stover, 119-73
4. Joshu Shih, 116-76
5. Scott Rozsa, 116-76
6. Matthew Kory, 115-77
7. Matthew Mariam, 115-77
8. Andy Harris, 114-78
9. Karl Vaillancourt, 114-78
10. Zack Klein, 114-78
11. George Smith, 111-81
12. Bill Denton, 108-84
13. Dave Labowitz, 102-90

With four weeks left, we've got a 3 way race at the top of the standings. And, ten of us peeps are within striking distance only six games back. The next four weeks should be exciting.

Week 14 will fire it up this Thursday night with the stunningly abysmally bad matchup of Cleveland at Pittsburgh. Who knows what will happen when a bad team meets... another bad team! NFL fun, thats what! Anyway, that sh*t-fest gets underway at 8pm EST, so I'll need all yr picks by then if you want to be eligible for the WSP, which I know you do (I spoke to your mother a few minutes ago and she confirmed it). I'll post the Week 14 slate tomorrow.

Apologies to WD3

So, yeah, as stated earlier, blogger changed something this past Friday, and now my browser is having all kinds of problems with it. Which is why I didn't post the preceding piece of comedic genius until it was well past its freshness date. So, an official "SORRY, EH?" to William Denton, III for this. Please scroll down and enjoy, as the hilarity rolls down your chins and into your pants, leaving only a slightly noticeable stain.

The Sunday Crap-O-Rama: Week 13

Week 13: Wang Dang Doodle

Ladies and Gentlemen, Dr. Phil has left the building!

(Seriously. He just left. He was here all day with his usual contingent of Secret Service personnel and a guy with a burrito cart.)

Anyway… Man, oh man, what fun is this? Now I can hunker down to churn out this giant chunk of horseshit after I’ve already lost a game! Viva La Thursday Football!

We’ve got an enormous, irreconcilable pissing contest going between the NFL and the nation’s cable TV providers here. While it’s true that the NFL has become the dominant pro sports league in America and has gained a huge amount of traction in markets around the world, this might not be the best season for the league to pretend it’s got some “political capital” and try to leverage it. I mean, who wants to watch this fucking horseshit? Last night’s game was such a bore that I decided to troll the ‘net for porn after the Flyers game ended.

Is there anything compelling going on in this league, with the exception of the perennially compelling Dallas Cowboys? (As the editor of Sports Illustrated often says, if you have nothing to write about, write about the Cowboys.) The league’s a wholesale Suck-O-Rama right now. There are no great teams. Even the presumptive marquee matchups, such as last week’s Bears/Pats disaster, are executed with the precision of a rusted homemade tattooing device. It’s just plain gross.

Even the teams with the best records have glaring flaws; there isn’t a single team that can’t be counted on to routinely get in its own way with dumb penalties, blown assignments, or botched clock management. The Colts are thriving based almost exclusively on a preternatural tendency for opposing kickers to shank field goals. The Bears have a dominant defense but a quarterback who looks like Fran Tarkenton – right now, at age 66! Jake Delhomme has turned into a blackened Cajun pumpkin in Carolina, Denver can’t get any consistent quarterback play and has gassed its defense out of its former dominance, Seattle’s run defense and offensive line have fallen off a cliff, and the Giants are apparently the Ya-Ya Sisterhood on a futile quest for the traveling pants.

The Cowboys are playing the best football in the league right now, but they’re presently being carried by a quarterback with five career starts, they have no placekicker, and their coach has one foot in the grave and the other foot on a banana peel.

Somehow, I don’t foresee people lining up around the block to clamor for next Thursday’s Browns/Steelers tilt, either. Even if people are interested in seeing the game, when they find out it’s being called by Bryant Gumbel, they’re going to stick the NFL Network on their V-Chip.

Seriously, Bryant effing Gumbel? They couldn’t have found someone who doesn’t irritate the god-almighty batshit out of 97% of the populace? Bryant Gumbel’s Q Rating is “W.”

Man Law: If you are a man, you do not drink Miller Lite.

The next dopey “Man Law” ad needs to feature Norm Macdonald impersonating Burt Reynolds. “Yah, Turd Ferguson. [chomp chomp] It’s a funny name.”

Anyway, let’s get on to the picks, just so no one can say I’m cuttin’ an’ runnin’. I’m gonna see it through, even if it’s a poor idea from the start that’s been executed in an embarrassing fashion.

The picks this week are brought to you by TurdVision, the nation’s largest cable provider that carries the NFL Network. Move to the Poopling Pines Trailer Park in Possum Ridge, Arkansas, and enjoy TurdVision!

Baltimore at Cincinnati

-Problem with Cincinnati defense: The wrong people are in prison.

Pick: Of the teams I thought might finally give Baltimore’s offense its long-overdue comeuppance, I gotta admit I didn’t think it’d be the Bengals.

Arizona at St Louis

-Edgerrin James hoping NFL permits him to carry the ball with an open switchblade in the other hand.

-Week 1: I don’t know much of anything about the Rams and don’t much care.

-Week 13: I’ve learned something about the Rams: There’s no need for me to care.

Pick: Arizona

Atlanta at Washington

-Unconfirmed reports out of Atlanta have Michael Vick inseminating groupies under the alter-ago “Ed Paraguay.”

Pick: Coach Killa!

















No, actually, I’m gonna go with Washington here.

Dallas at New York Only One Stupid Nickname A Week From Now On Giants

-In the Giants, you have a team where clearly everyone is not pulling on the same end of the rope. It’s hard to strangle your coach that way.

-Matchup between the NFL’s two greatest Leechbacks: Marion Barber (9 TDs vs. Julius Jones’ 3) and Brandon Jacobs (8 TDs vs. Tiki Barber’s 1).

Pick: How ‘bout them Cowboys?












Detroit at New England

-A mob of angry Lions fans in disguises dragged Matt Millen out into the street to execute him, but before they managed to hold him down, a random passer-by had already shot him.

Pick: New England

Indianapolis at Tennessee

-Indy wins again by 3 after Tennessee’s kicker misses a field goal. You know this is finally Peyton Manning’s year if they go on to face the Cowboys in the Super Bowl.

-Vince Young’s game management skills so far have been even more impressive than his raw skill; most fans still seem to think he’s a dumb guy, but he’s from Houston – everyone in Houston sounds like that.

Pick: Indy

Jacksonville at Miami

-Needle on the “Del Rio Meter” pointing toward “Idiot” this week. (Note: other end of gauge says “Idiot.”)

-Nick Saban, 2005: Ride players’ and assistant coaches’ asses in training camp like there’s no tomorrow and it takes them until week 10 to recover from the beating.

-Nick Saban, 2006: Ride players’ and assistant coaches’ asses in training camp like there’s no tomorrow and it takes them until week 10 to recover from the beating.

-Hmm…

Pick: Miami

Kansas City at Cleveland

-I’m praying for more characteristically improvident decision-making by the Browns organization; maybe Romeo Crennel will be coaching the Eagles next season.

Pick: Kansas City

Minnesota at Chicago

-If you have any money burning a hole in your pocket, put it on Minnesota getting 9 points. Vikings DBs dropped approximately 5 potential interceptions the first time these teams played each other, and the Vikings have the best run defense in the NFL. If you can get a side bet on Darren Sharper’s interceptions versus Grossman’s TD passes, load up on that sumbitch as well.

Pick: Minnesota

New York Jets at Green Bay

-Ah, remember when the Packers had a home field advantage? It vanished when Ron Mexico was just a glint in our collective eye. (Note: I think Brett Favre was still around when that happened.)

Pick: Jets

San Diego at Buffalo

-Shawne Merriman is finally back off his suspension. Next week he’s going to fail a test for J.P. Losman’s bile.

-San Diego Chargers: Soon to be known as the “Toronto Football Blue Jays.”

-Buffalo Bills: Slightly later to be known as the “San Diego Football Padres.”

Pick: San Diego

San Francisco at New Orleans

-This is the televised noon game here on Sunday. Yeah. Seriously.

-No. 1 rusher in the NFC versus no. 1 total offense in the NFC. What? This?

Pick: New Orleans

Tampa Bay at Pittsburgh

-Two teams with nothing going for them except an inflated sense of self-importance.

Pick: Pittsburgh

Houston at Oakland

-Keys to Oakland success: replace completely unqualified offensive coordinator with really horrible one.

-Art Shell: he’s not just an incompetent boob, he’s also a paranoid schizophrenic.

Pick: Houston

Seattle at Denver

-Application for starting QB in Denver: question 1, “Are You John Elway?”

-Anyone buying into the hype regarding Ohio State QB Troy Smith, please note that the Seahawks already have Troy Smith: His name is Seneca Wallace.

Pick: Denver

Carolina at Philadelphia

-In a game between a mediocre team and a team that just flat-out isn’t trying, always load up on the mediocre one.

-Andy Reid’s incredible girth a nearly insurmountable setback in effigy-building.

Pick: Carolina 24-10

Note: for downtrodden Eagles fans, I bring you this:





















Those were the days, huh?

OK, show’s over. ‘Till next week… don’t eat the brown acid.

BLOGGER PROBLEMS

Hey gang, blogger has been being pissy, so I haven't been able to post stuff. (Hopefully this goes up.) I'm keeping track of the games and I'll post a Week 13 update soon.