BILL'S SEND-UP: WEEK 2

Week 2: Dolla Dolla Bill Y’All (aka Raider Urinalyses Test Positive for Doody)

After witnessing some legendary offensive ineptitude over the years as an Eagles fan, I was fully convinced that I would never see anything as inept as the 1986 Eagles offense, which featured exactly zero NFL-caliber offensive linemen. New “coach” Buddy Ryan would sign prospective players off the street and throw them into the starting lineup a matter of days later, and rarely would the same player start in the same position for consecutive weeks. The line coughed up an NFL-record 104 sacks, most of which were absorbed by a quarterback seemingly athletic enough to have avoided many more – Randall “He’s Back Scrambling for His Godforsaken Life” Cunningham.

Just a matter of weeks ago, I was telling someone or other that such a catastrophe could never happen again in the NFL. There’s too much money invested in making sound football decisions, I reasoned: scouting, drafting, and coaching are much more evolved, specialized, and monetarily compensated for than 20 years ago.

Or at least this is what I though before viewing the 2006 incarnation of the Oakland Raiders. I stand corrected, humbled, and utterly shocked.

Not only is this offense an abject train wreck, the train was packed to the gills with horseshit, and Monday night it plowed into the side of a mountain… A mountain of horseshit.

Just put me out of my misery, baby.

On every single offensive snap, San Diego’s defense came across the line in an absolute jailbreak and reached Aaron Brooks before he had even completed his drop. They didn’t even allow him a split-second to make a bad decision.

Hall of Fame offensive lineman and longtime offensive line coach Art Shell was powerless – or unwilling – to make any adjustments. Brooks kept taking seven-step drop after seven-step drop and getting buried on down after down.

It usually requires a preliminary round of “American Idol” auditions to prompt me to feel embarrassment on someone else’s behalf as they’re too bereft of awareness to feel it themselves. But as the flailing and carnage continued for the Raiders, both tragedy and comedy were left in their wake, leaving only painful vicarious embarrassment.

And it occurred to me: this is the worst display of offense I have ever seen in the NFL – and I survived The Bobby Hoying Era.

I still maintain that drafting, scouting, and coaching have progressed far beyond the space they occupied in 1986. However, apparently this does not apply to the Raiders. Even the 49ers and Jets – unquestioned bottom-feeders of the NFL – accounted for themselves well in Week 1. The Jets even managed a victory.

No, not everyone is good. But there’s too much at stake for most teams – but not all teams, as I’d thought – to be completely, brutally outclassed.

The Raiders, as they’ve so often been throughout their storied history, are in a class by themselves. But that doesn’t mean what it used to. And I’m predicting them to go 0-16 this season.

Start tanking, Brady Quinn.

Now let’s avail ourselves of the Week 2 picks, which are brought to you this week by… ah, I can’t find it. To hell with it!

Buffalo at Miami
-After years of excessive punting under Mike Mularkey – for example, they punted numerous times on 4th and short within the opponent’s 40 yard line – last week, the Bills, under Dick Jauron, went for it on 4th and 1 from their own 30-yard-line. The result: Failure. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss.
Pick: Buffalo! Fortune favors the bold, beyotch!

Carolina at Minnesota
-As close to a nice thing as I’ll say about anyone: since John Fox has been coaching there, have you ever seen the Panthers underachieve in two games in a row? I’m pretty sure I haven’t.
-Steroids! Hookers! It’s the Panthers and Vikings… next on FOX!
Pick: Carolina

Cleveland at Cincinnati
-After watching Honey Buns Fraley get manhandled by the Saints’ mediocre defensive line, I’m thinking the Browns would have been better off with what they had beforehand: absolutely nothing.
-Bengals’ off-season rap sheet includes arrests for five players, but according to police documents obtained by Around the NFL With Billie M.F. Smalls, in all cases the arrested player was wearing pants.
Pick: Cincinnati

Detroit at Chicago
-Sign outside Notre Dame locker room: “Play Like a Champion Today.”
Sign outside Detroit Lions’ locker room: “Are You Wearing Pants?”
Pick: Chicago

Houston at Indianapolis
-Scant moments after Indianapolis’ first touchdown of this game, a stray piece of confetti will fall from the RCA Dome ceiling and alight on David Carr’s shoulder, causing him to crumple to the turf.
Pick: Indy.

New Orleans at Green Bay
-Only five weeks after Hurricane Katrina made landfall, Green Bay mercilessly ran up the score against the beleaguered Saints and beat them by nearly 50 points. It’s payback time – book it! Here comes the Karma Train, Brett Favre!
Pick: New Orleans

NY Giants at Philadelphia
-In midweek meeting Giants coach Tom Coughlin threatened team that, if they lose this game, they’ll be thrown from an invisible portal beside the New Jersey Turnpike and left in a roadside heap à la “Being John Malkovich.”
-No football column forthcoming this week from Matty – it seems he was eaten by Andy Reid.
Pick: Dah Iggles

Oakland at Baltimore
-I had been predicting an outcome of Baltimore 56, Oakland 0 before I found out that Robert Gallery would miss the game due to injury. New prediction: Baltimore 56, Oakland 0.
Pick: Bawlmer

Tampa Bay at Atlanta
-Please allow me to provide redress for my preseason prediction that Tampa Bay would win the Super Bowl: Oopsie!
-Actual football analysis: perhaps the loss of defensive coaches Mike Tomlin and Rod Marinelli is going to have some impact on the Bucs’ defense.
Alright, glad that’s out of the way.
Pick: Atlanta

Arizona at Seattle
-The desired result of Deion Branch’s acrimonious holdout from the Patriots has been realized: I now know his agent’s name.
Pick: Seattle

St Louis at San Francisco
-Rams’ impressive performance against Denver last week clearly illustrates what was missing from this team under Mike “K” Martz: Effort.
Pick: St. Louis

Kansas City at Denver
-Nearly 300,000 copies of “Madden 2007” recalled because of a malfunction in the Herman Edwards Botched Clock-Management feature.
-Jake Plummer TD passes in 2006 season: 0. Jake Plummer left-handed passes in 2006 season: 1.
Pick: Denver

New England at NY Jets
-Bill Belichick’s sideline attire: The sartorial equivalent of Chad Pennington’s rotator cuff.
Pick: New England

Tennessee at San Diego
-This week, Titans able to enjoy America’s finest weather while getting the ever-living piss beaten out of them.
-Too lazy to reconcile salary cap implications of a trade to Chargers, Titans GM Floyd Reese planning to just tell Billy Volek to report to the wrong locker room.
Pick: San Diego

Washington at Dallas
-Henceforth known as “The Bad Karma Bowl.”
-If these teams’ jackal owners had their way, this would be the only game on the schedule; all other teams would have been driven out of business by insufficient profit margins.
-Opening coin toss to determine “who gets to be the Yankees and who gets to be the Red Sox.”
-Traffic problems surrounding FedEx field are now so severe that it takes less time for a suburban Washingtonian to attend a Redskins/Cowboys at Texas Stadium.
Pick: Dallas

Pittsburgh at Jacksonville
-A history of race relations in the NFL:
In 1962, the Redskins were the only team in the league yet to have integrated its roster, seeing itself as the quasi-official team of the South, when the league office stepped in and demanded that it draft Heisman Trophy winner Ernie Davis of Syracuse, the first black Heisman winner. They refused, trading the draft pick to Cleveland. The Browns drafted Davis, only to see him be diagnosed with leukemia and die before he would ever play in an NFL game.
In 2006, the Jacksonville Jaguars, in a twisted outgrowth of modern racial politics, have three black quarterbacks on their roster to insulate starter Byron Leftwich from unfounded racially motivated criticism from hayseed fans.
Pick: Jacksonville 23, Pittsburgh 18

...AS THE MORON F'S STUFF UP

When last we left MFSAFP(p!)!, Joey had won the first week of football glory and was consolidating his power to take over the whole football pool (poop!) for his own evil uses. Matt, as usual, was paralyzed with despair. Laying on the floor of his tiny tiny house, he kept crying, "What have I done? What have I done?" All seemed lost. Could anything be done to stop Evil Joey’s nefarious plans?

Just then there was a loud bang sound! What could it be? Oh, the cat farted, never mind.

But soon after that an email appeared in Matt's in-box. It was from Karl. Matt reached his tear-stained hand up off the floor and opened it. It read as follows, "You hot bitch, I'll do you like OJ did Nicole." Matt was aghast, but soon another email appeared in his in-box, also from Karl. It said, "You stupid bastard, you screwed up my picks. I won the pool, not Joey."

Matt sprunged up from the floor, hardly realizing that "sprunged” isn't a word, and rushed to the Secret Picks Vault (SPV)! Fumbling with the door, hands trembling, he kept thinking, this could be the key to stopping Joey's wicked plot to take over the Pool (poop!)! Matt broke into the vault, and suddenly it was all plain to him: the way to stop Joey was to not fuck up Karl’s picks! Matt raced back to his computer, opened the Secret Football Pool (poop!) Spreadsheet (SFP(p!)S), and removed “San Francisco” from Karl's pool (poop!). Like a flash of lighting the spreadsheet removed Joey from the top spot and added Karl! At that moment, the sun shone more brightly than it ever has before. Also, I’m a moron.

Congratulations, Karl on being the Real Weiner of Week 1, and I ask both you and Joey to please accept my humble apologies. The moral of this story is very clear to me: never vote republican.

I've gone back and changed the standings for the week in the previous post to reflect the true standings (as opposed to the Matt Screwed It Up Standings). Good luck to everyone this week.

WEEK TWO!!!

Faster than a drunken driver, more powerful than Jimmy Johnson's hair, able to order fast food in the nude... ITS WEEK 2!!!

We're devoid of Thursday night madness so send me your picks by Friday if possible (gives me time to set things up on the spreadsheet), but I'll take picks up until kickoff on Sunday.

Heres the lineup for next week:

Buffalo at Miami
Carolina at Minnesota
Cleveland at Cincinnati
Detroit at Chicago
Houston at Indianapolis
New Orleans at Green Bay
NY Giants at Philadelphia
Oakland at Baltimore
Tampa Bay at Atlanta
Arizona at Seattle
St Louis at San Francisco
Kansas City at Denver
New England at NY Jets
Tennessee at San Diego
Washington at Dallas
Pittsburgh at Jacksonville

Send your picks to matthew.kory@gmail.com. Good luck!

WINNER AND STANDINGS: WEEK 1

The first exciting week of football is in the books, and we've learned some valuable lessons about who's good and who isn't. But the most important thing is that this week's winner is Joey Bansen of beautiful Fort Lauderdale, Florida. Joey gets his named bolded and receives an autographed copy of "My Life" by Jamie Farr. Actually, no, he wins $52, which he can put towards his new car payments. Congratulations, Joey, and thanks for stealing my money, you rat bastard.

In future weeks I'll be posting the overall standings and the final standings for the week, but since its only week 1, the overall standings are the same as the final standings for the week. Heres how we stand now:

Karl Vaillancourt..11-5 (24 points)
Joey Bansen........11-5 (31 points, and unfortunately over the actual 27)
Matthew Kory.......10-6
Scott Rozsa........10-6
Jon Stover.........10-6
Bill Denton.........9-7
Andy Harris.........9-7
Sandy Kory..........9-7
Dave Labowitz.......9-7
Matthew Mariam......9-7
Joshu Shih..........9-7
Zach Klein..........8-8
George Smith........6-10

[P.S. If anyone believes I have something incorrect please email me.]
[P.P.S. Apologies for the awkward formatting above, but its frick'n impossible to get the names to line up properly.]

AROUND THE NFL WITH MATTY!

Week 1: Hooo haaa [Cough! Cough! Cough!]

HOOOOOOOO HA!!! I got you allllll in check, BITCHES!! Its that time of year again.

Time to touch monkeys?

NO!

Time to eat your own poop?

NOOOOOOO...well, maybe.

But either way its time for NFL Football, which means only one thing: utterly insensitive racial humor with new episodes of Around The NFL With Matty (ATNFLWM)!!! Yes, it’s another season of cracker/wetback/darky/honky lips-type funnies, and this year we might mix it with some football now and again for texture. But before we get into all of that, its important to note our corporate underwriters, the true evil behind ATNFLWM. This inaugural week of ATNFLWM is sponsored by:

The New Orleans Board of Tourism, who invites everyone who is certified in scuba diving to head on down to the Big Easy for the best urban scuba diving experience in the world! And remember, we’ll give you a voucher for $13.82 off your hotel stay for every dead body you drag to the shore (fifteen bucks if you bag ‘em)!

And by…

FEMA! Don’t call us, we’ll call you! Seriously, don’t call us.

And by…

What happens when, through a freak accident, a successful businessman is turned into a PLACEMAT?! Hi-jinks ensue, that’s what!! Come see Placemat, the hilarious new romantic comedy, starring Rob Schneider! Rated PG-13 for uncomfortable situations.

This week, ATNFLWM features a comprehensive look at every NFL team’s chances this upcoming season, a special new Reality Preview, and an in-depth look at this week’s games. But first, some dumb crap:

So, it’s week one all over again. It’s the time that every team can start anew and dream of the unattainable. Every team has a chance to get to the big one, every player and coach has a chance to earn that huge rock on their finger, and every owner has a chance to wave the Lombardi Trophy in Dan Snyder’s petulant little mug come season’s end. Even Dan Snyder. Yes, in true communistic fashion equality reigns supreme. Of course, when you really think about it, it’s not that different from the end of the season when every team will inevitably finish either 7-9, 8-8, or 9-7. Yes, the teams are separated by very little in the NFL. It really is a game of inches, folks. That’s the difference between ‘average’ and true greatness. In fact, 5.5 inches is average, and 9 inches is truly great, so we really are only talking about a difference of a few inches. Of course girth is another matter entirely. So is ball circumference.

But still, we here at ATNFLWM are planning a fabulous new season of cheap rip-offs and beaten down gimmicks with which we hope to entertain and amuse. We plan to feature new interviews with prominent NFL personalities as well as cutting-edge analysis about match-ups, teams and players that you just can’t get anywhere else. Also poop jokes. Lots of poop jokes. Poop! HA HA HA! Ahhhh… never gets old, does it? Poop poopidy poopy poop! Eat your heart out, Peter King, you lame-ass hack! You got nothing on ATNFLWM!

Speaking of having nothing, this Inaugural Edition of ATNFLWM (IAATNFLWM) is proud to present our early season predictions, followed by an exclusive showing of the new ABC reality show, “Who Wants to Play QB for the NY Jets?” Without further ado, lets get right to the meat of it, in order that you, the reader, can get yr meat sweats on!

But first… its prediction time! In typical ATNFLWM fashion we’re not actually going to cover all of the teams – that would take too much time, effort and research – we’re only going to stick with the teams that we’re interested in.

So now, it’s actually time for ATNFLWM’s Pre-’06 Season Predictions For Only The Teams That We’re Interested In! (ATNFLWMP’06SPFOTTTWII!)

NFC East:
The Redskins are very good. The Eagles are not very good. Ha ha! (This of course has very little to do with who ends up with a better final record. Also, it’s probably wrong.)

Conclusion: Taking into account the myriad factors listed above, ATNFLWM predicts the following this NFL season:
1. The Eagles won’t win the Superbowl (unless they do).
2. The Redskins will win the Superbowl (unless they don’t).
3. Peter King has no idea what he’s talking about and sucks serious dog dick!

And now it’s time for ATNFLWM’s special ABC Reality Preview, entitled Who Wants To Play Quarterback For The Jets? That’s right, folks. The Jets, who’s top three quarterbacks will soon go down for the year like Stuart Scott on a professional athlete, are holding open tryouts to see who can be their leader this season, who can take this team back to the playoffs, who can handle Eric Mangini’s hideous pre-fecal farts, and most importantly… Who Wants To Play Quarterback For The Jets!!

The game goes like this. Fifty contestants are flown to a desert island. Once there they are strip-searched, de-loused and anally violated. After that, they are divided into two teams, Team A and Team A. Each team is given secret instructions to reach the secret base, which holds a secret. After each team reaches the secret base, they will be subjected to the judges, who will vote fifty-nine of them off the island and into a pit of venomous snakes, where their only hope of survival will be to either eat themselves to death or sign a contract with Fox News as a Iraqi correspondent. The judges who will decide the contestant’s fate are as follows: Jets Head Coach Eric “pre-fecal” Mangini, ESPN.com football writer Chris “Mort” Mortensen, Iron Chef Mori “Hot Buns” Takatu, and of course Jamie Farr! Be sure to watch all this season on ABC!!

But first, ATNFLWM is brought to you by:

Iron Chef America, the Japanese version. Laugh uproariously as the show is translated from Japanese to English, and then back into Japanese! Hey! That doesn’t make any sense! Ha ha!! All this week on Bravo!

And by…

DirecTV’s new Red Sox/Yankees Channel. A whole channel devoted to everyone who thinks twenty six games a year just isn’t enough! Now everyone’s favorite rivalry has it’s own channel! Red Sox/Yankees all year round! What will the Yankees do, and then what will the Red Sox do to counter it? Find out, on the Red Sox/Yankees Channel! Order now and get a free hammer with which you can bludgeon yourself!

And by…

Fox: Goddamn they suck.

And by…

Jiffy-Boob: Inventors of the world’s first drive-thru boob job

It’s time to pick the games till they scab and bleed!

So, now we’re going to go right to the picks! But first, a reminder, these picks are not intended for use in an actual cash wager. Any money lost using these picks will not be the responsibility of ATNFLWM, it’s corporate parent MCIWorldcom, or any of its subsidiaries. For further information about the legalities involved herein, please see our website at www.yummyyummyboybutts.com. Thank you.

And now to the picks!!

Miami at Pittsburgh
• In order to be more like mentor Bill Parcells, Nick Saban has scheduled breast enlargement surgery.
• ATNFLWM has learned that Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger has recently been diagnosed with Nipaboomia, which is the real reason that he will miss the first game of the season. Nipaboomia, for those who don’t know, causes explosion of the nipples.
• Steelers head coach Bill Cowher widely mulling retirement after winning Superbowl last season. Coach Cowher intends to spend retirement screaming and spewing spittle at high school football players. “What can I say,” says Cowher, “I just love the game.”
• New Dolphins QB Joey Harrington reportedly to quit team and begin new acting career as Mr. Belvedere in “Mr. Belvedere II: Cancelled Mid-Pilot”
Pick: Pittsburgh

Atlanta at Carolina
• Ultra-competitive sibling Michael Vick’s plan to out-do his kid brother Marcus: rob a retirement home with only his penis.
• Keyshawn Johnson catches pass, immediately complains about not catching enough passes.
Pick: Carolina

Baltimore at Tampa Bay
• Baltimore Head Coach Brian Billick’s Ego has seceded from his body, and seized power from Baltimore Head Coach Brian Billick. “I sure hope I can find my ego and patch things up,” said Billick. Said Brian Billick’s Ego, “I rule!”
Pick: Tampa Bay

Buffalo at New England
• In order to not give away anything to the enemy, New England Head Coach Bill Belichick has refused to tell his wife what he wants for dinner.
• As far as I can tell, J.P. Losman is actually a ‘70s era porno actor conjured up by renowned porno-fanatic Marv Levy to lead the Bills franchise back to glory. Unfortunately Losman has the requisite football skills to match someone of his appointment. He does have big hairy nuts, though.
Pick: New England

Cincinnati at Kansas City
• Either Kansas City Head Coach Herman Edwards is on the hot-seat, or his hemorrhoids are acting up.
Pick: Cincinnati

Denver at St. Louis
• If one does calculus for long enough one can prove that, not only is Champ Bailey a mediocre cornerback, but that he isn’t, in fact, black.
• Amazing Broncos can put anyone on the planet at running back and still miss Superbowl.
Pick: Denver

New Orleans at Cleveland
• Media machine in overdrive for this game. Will all this hype never end?!
Pick: Cleveland

N.Y. Jets at Tennessee
• Jets new stadium plans now call for floating stadium composed of innovative combination of solid gold and cheddar cheese.
Pick: Jets

Philadelphia at Houston
• To protect abdomen, QB Donovan McNabb to play entire game inside Popemobile.
• Texans voted most irrelevant sports franchise in all of professional sports by me.
• Eagles new play “45 right, jackrabbit deep” depends on Head Coach Andy Reid finishing cheese-steak and mashed potatoes in time to get play off.
Pick: Philly

Seattle at Detroit
• Matt Millen’s 10 year plan to get fired is proceeding right on schedule.
• In order to shed crazy label, new offensive coordinator Mike Martz has vowed not to wear his meat helmet on the sidelines all season.
• In support of Lions assistant coach, team will play this game drunk, nude.
Pick: Seattle

Chicago at Green Bay
• Bears new stadium providing ugly home field advantage.
Pick: Green Bay

Dallas at Jacksonville
• Dallas Head Coach Bill Parcells has had “I Hate Him” stitched onto back of wide receiver Terrell Owens jersey.
• Cowboys are a ship, and TO is Cape Horn. In other words, na ga ha pa!
Pick: Jacksonville

San Francisco at Arizona
• 49ers PR staff made commemorative video about last season. Of the 49 minutes, 38 were comprised of lesbian sex.
Pick: Arizona

Indianapolis at N.Y. “Jejune” Giants
• Eli Manning surprised to learn he has a brother.
• Redskins coach “Joe” Gibbs called Giants practice Friday to demote Giants linebacker LaVar Arrington. Said Arrington, “Well, OK, he’s the boss.”
Pick: NY Giants

Minnesota at Washington
• Redskins Owner Daniel Snyder has new secret plan to win the Superbowl. Starting next season he will stop paying ridiculous prices for coaches and players and start paying ridiculous prices for officials.
• Redskins website now features entire offensive playbook under heading “Whats New?”
• Vikings last in NFL karmic rating.
Pick: Washington

San Diego at Oakland
• Much like me, the Raiders have nothing.
Pick: San Diego
Total Points: 35

Next week: I prepare a fabulous soufflé! Stay tuned!

BILL'S SEASON PREVIEW

As an added bonus here at mattyspool.blogspot.com, we've hired some of the best football writers to enhance your knowledge and enjoyment of the NFL season. They'll be posting exclusive and weekly analysis of the coming week's games, providing you, the reader, with in-depth knowledge.

Also there will be swear words. Many, many swear words. And I would expect a dick joke or two. Or seven. In any case, this is the first of what we here at mattyspool.blogspot.com hope will be a number of articles.

This first article is by veteran writer and known dog dick fucker (see what I did there, what with the swear words and the dick jokes?) William C. Denton, III.

Enjoy!

-Matty

Billie M.F. Smalls’ 2006 Season Preview and Week 1 Extravagina... er, Extravaganza: “I Did the Muthafuckin’ Math, Beyotch!”

Peter King? Didn’t bother. Bill Simmons. Nope. The New York Times? Puh-leeze.

There are a finite number of wins available, you mongoloids. Thirty-two teams play 16 games, two teams are involved in each game, so there are 256 regular-season games. Each one has a winner and a loser. (Let's forget about ties, OK?)

If you’re not gonna bother to predict an equal amount of wins and losses, you’re missing the entire point of the modern NFL: every game is close, and in almost every one, both teams play well enough to win and simultaneously poorly enough to lose. Don’t tell me a team is *good enough* to go 10-6; Twenty-six of the 32 teams are *good enough* to go 10-6.

Hell, if you’re gonna fudge the league-wide totals like that, why not kiss everyone’s ass and say everyone will go 10-6 and the Lombardi Trophy goes to the winner of a coin toss. And you know what we call that, class?

“Communism!”

So here we go, asswipes. And for this year’s preview, we’ve taken surveys of some opposing teams’ scouts to help us break down each team’s prospects for this season. In a blatant ripoff of countless other publications, we’ll call it “Scout’s Take.”

(Note that “Scout’s Take” does not refer to the deceased Hoffman family dog, who, as far as I know, was too lazy to even fetch a football, but is probably a better coach than Norvell Turner, even though he’s been dead for 5 years. The dog, I mean; not Norv.)

AFC EAST
New England Patriots
SCOUT’S TAKE: “The rest of the league has caught up to their model for success on the cheap – there are no productive middle-tier guys available anymore and they’re stuck signing scrubs like Monty Beisel and Duane Starks. Frankly, I think Belichick is going to have to be institutionalized within a few years.”
“After last year, I’m ready to say Tom Brady is better than Peyton Manning in every conceivable way. But Patriots fans are still the scum of the Earth. I mean, had you ever met one single Patriots fan until 5 years ago?”
Prediction: 10-6
Week 1 pick: Beat BUF

Miami Dolphins
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Everyone talks about them getting on track by winning their last six games last season, but one of those was when the Pats sat all their starters. Plus – and I don’t remember it like this, but my notes say the other five games were all against the Texans.”
“I don’t care how good Cleo Lemon looks – his name is still Cleo Lemon. To hell with that.”
Prediction: 10-6 (AFC Wild Card)
Week 1 pick: Lose to PGH

Buffalo Bills
SCOUT’S TAKE: “This team is better than you think, provided you think it’s really, really fucking bad.”
“Their special teams are always really good, which shows you that special teams really aren’t that important after all.”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Lose to NE

New York Jets
SCOUT’S TAKE: “The arrow’s pointin’ in the right direction there, but what it’s pointin’ at is so far away I can’t even tell what it is.”
“They moved their team facilities to Jersey, but, you know what? No one there likes ‘em either. I don’t know who in the hell roots for the Jets. Where’s that Fireman Ed guy from?”
“You know, if I see one Jets game on national TV this year, I’m gonna go down to my local Comcast office and just beat the shit outta the first person I see.”
Prediction: 3-13
Week 1 pick: Lose to TEN

AFC NORTH
Cincinnati Bengals
SCOUT’S TAKE: “This would be a really fun team to watch if they didn’t have those fucking uniforms.”
“There are no real holes on this team other than possibly their run defense… and those fucking uniforms. Good god.”
Prediction: 10-6
Week 1 pick: Beat KC

Pittsburgh Steelers
SCOUT’S TAKE: “I like Willie Parker as an every-down back, as long as Duce Staley doesn’t eat him.”
“Now that they’ve got that One-For-The-Thumb ring from last year, the players are all saying ‘One For The Cock’ this year. I think that’s got a good ring to it.”
Prediction: 9-7 (AFC Wild Card)
Week 1 pick: Beat MIA

Baltimore Ravens
SCOUT’S TAKE: “I used to think Brian Billick had some nude photos of Art Modell stashed away and that’s how he was keeping his job. But now Modell’s not running the team anymore and I’m starting to think Billick has nude photos of *everyone*. What a pervert that guy must be!”
“When you already have no depth whatsoever as it is, and your supposed team leader is constantly bitching that he should be paid about 85% of your team’s salary cap, you’re probably in trouble.”
Prediction: 8-8
Week 1 pick: Lose to TB

Cleveland Browns
SCOUT’S TAKE: “This is a team you can finally say won’t beat itself, unless you count the front office beating the coaching staff with all of its shitty player acquisitions.”
“If Charlie Frye doesn’t totally go down the toilet, this is not going to be an easy team to play against. If he *does* go down the toilet, well, I don’t wanna be the plumber called out there, dag blammit.”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Beat NO


AFC SOUTH
Indianapolis Colts
SCOUT’S TAKE: “I’m tempted to say the window has closed on this team, but a team can’t close the window on itself. Someone else has gotta do it for ‘em, and I don’t know if anyone else in this division has even *found* the goddamn window yet.”
“As much as I’m sick of the Patriots and their whining fans, I’ve really enjoyed watching them whup up on the Colts. Same way I like watchin’ the Yankees whup up on the Red Sox.”
Prediction: 12-4
Week 1 pick: Beat NYG

Jacksonville Jaguars
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Jack Del Rio spent more time last season blasting Vito Stellino than he did drawing up game plans. And he still looks just like The Greaseman.”
“There’s no reason I can think of that this team can’t be really good… Oh, wait, I just thought of one: Jack Del Rio. Oh, and the receivers. Can’t forget them. Ernest Wilford has two big cast-iron skillets for hands. Ernie Skillethands – Ha! I KILL ME!!”
“Good move forcing the Cowboys to wear their blue jerseys. Oh, they’re doomed now.”
Prediction: 8-8
Week 1 pick: Lose to Cowboys

Tennessee Titans
SCOUT’S TAKE: “If Vince Young isn’t starting the home game against Houston in week 8, I’ll eat Bud Adams’ hairpiece."
"If Vince Young isn’t starting the game in Houston on Week 14, I’ll eat Billy Volek.”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Beat the Jets

Houston Texans
SCOUT’S TAKE: “I got to talk with David Carr the other day, and I can’t believe how big a guy he is. Then I realized that was the first time since he was drafted that I’ve seen him on his feet.”
“I think Mario Williams is gonna be really good, but, c’mon, this is Texas – it’s not about how good you are, it’s about how much money a guy can make you.”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Lose to PHI


AFC WEST
Denver Broncos
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Now that they cut Ron Dayne, I’m running out of ways to goof on this team.”
“From here their schedule looks really brutal, but not as brutal as those fucking Bengals uniforms.”
Prediction: 10-6
Week 1 pick: Beat STL

San Diego Chargers
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Here’s a team that tries to play hardball with players like the Patriots and Eagles do, but they have no leverage to do it. Thank god they weren’t able to trade Donnie Edwards, now that Steve Foley got all shot to hell by the po-po. When your goals are really stupid, your incompetence can really help you out.”
Prediction: 9-7
Week 1 pick: Beat OAK

Kansas City Chiefs
SCOUT’S TAKE: “John Welbourn must be the world’s smartest steroid cheat.”
“Let’s see, both their tackles are gone so Tony Gonzalez is gonna have to block on every down, their receivers suck ass, Trent Green ain’t getting any younger… hey, what’s not to like?”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Lose to CIN

Oakland Raiders
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Some of their moves have been so spectacularly stupid that people won’t notice they’re putting together a pretty good defense. They could sneak up on a few teams.”
“I can’t wait ‘til the first time I see Aaron Brooks do his patented 11-step drop and try to lateral the ball to the Back Judge.”
“Man, I just can’t get over how much Brooks looks like Martin Lawrence. You so crazy!”
Prediction: 4-12
Week 1 pick: Lose to SD


NFC WEST
Seattle Seahawks
SCOUT’S TAKE: “They’ll be the first team since the Titans to make the playoffs the year after losing a Super Bowl. It’s virtually impossible for them not to make it. I think Gibran Hamdan is drawing a paycheck in this division.”
“Kudos to Matt Hasselbeck for balding gracefully. I don’t know what it is, but, to me, white guys who shave their heads look like they got fuckin’ cancer or somethin’.”
Prediction: 11-5
Week 1 pick: Beat DET

St. Louis Rams
SCOUT’S TAKE: “They better come up with a new Village Idiot over there, ‘cause I already miss being about to goof on Mike Martz. That Barry Bostwick lookin’ motherfucker. Hahaha.”
“I’ve been watching this team pretty closely all throughout training camp, and, you know, I still can’t tell you a fuckin’ thing about them.”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Lose to DEN

Arizona Cardinals
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Edgerrin James could average three and a half yards a carry for this team and it would constitute an enormous improvement over last year.”
“The Fraud Fairy visited this team – and I’m not talkin’ about A-Rod.”
“Denny Green has failed to heed Buddy Ryan’s lasting legacy: chew your food well. Er… I mean, you can’t win without an offensive line.”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Beat SF

San Francisco 49ers
SCOUT’S TAKE: “I actually like their offensive line much better than Arizona’s, and I like Frank Gore. But the rest of this team would have a hard time beating the Kennedy clan in the front yard at Martha’s Vineyard. Maybe they’d beat ‘em if they got ‘em at home.”
“I can’t see what the arrow’s pointin’ at here either, but I think it’s the Jets.”
Prediction: 4-12
Week 1 pick: Lose to ARI


NFC NORTH
Chicago Bears:
SCOUT’S TAKE: “For a long time I thought Brian Urlacher was overrated because he was a white guy. But after last season, I give up – turns out he’s actually really good.”
“Their schedule is a cakewalk. They’re the Jaguars of the NFC – no one’s gonna find out until the playoffs that this team actually sucks shit.”
“Urlacher’s leaving a trail of illegitimate kids across the country that would make Shawn Kemp proud. Man, he’s almost getting to O.D.B.’s level with that stuff.”
Prediction: 10-6
Week 1 pick: Beat GB

Minnesota Vikings
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Another team that’s trying to play hardball like the Eagles and Patriots but without the consistent winning. They cut Koren Robinson, but their starting safety just got arrested for waving his dick around like a lasso in front of a day-care center or something.”
“Todd Pinkston is better than a lot of people think – he’d get some respect if his name was Todd Blackston. Notice I didn’t say he was actually *good*, though.”
Prediction: 8-8
Week 1 pick: Lose to WAS

Detroit Lions
SCOUT’S TAKE: “I think Matt Millen has nude photos of Brian Billick holding up all the nude photos he’s got.”
“This organization’s head is crammed so far up its own ass that it might poke back out through its neck and they’ll win 8 games.”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Lose to SEA

Green Bay Packers
SCOUT’S TAKE: “This division is so insanely weak – including the Bears – that I wouldn’t rule out Rupert Murdoch fixing a few games down the stretch to get Brett Favre into the playoffs one last time.”
“Quit talkin’ about how much fucking fun Favre is having out there as he runs four yards past the line of scrimmage and then throws a ball into Taco Wallace’s feet, OK? He stinks. He’s done. Finito.”
Prediction: 7-9
Week 1 pick: Lose to CHI


NFC SOUTH
Carolina Panthers
SCOUT’S TAKE: “With Steve Smith out for the first game, Keyshawn will catch 10 passes and become convinced he’s still the dominant receiver he was 5 years ago… Oh, wait, he wasn’t a dominant receiver 5 years ago either. Never mind.”
“Now that they’ve found out that no one gives a shit if they take steroids, the sky’s the limit for this team.”
Prediction: 10-6
Week 1 pick: Beat ATL

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Joey Galloway is in for a reality check. I hear Todd Sauerbrun moved out of Joey’s neighborhood and he’s not able to rifle through his trash for leftover steroids anymore.”
“If all their projected starters can manage to stay in the lineup throughout the season, then I’ll have a lot easier time keeping track of everything while I’m getting wasted in the press box.”
Prediction: 10-6 (AFC Wild Card)
Week 1 pick: Beat BAL

Atlanta Falcons
SCOUT’S TAKE: “They ought to try to squeeze a first-round pick outta Washington for Matt Schaub. Of course, they’d have to take it in 2010 since that’s the next first-rounder the Skins haven’t already dealt away.”
“I don’t know whether to be disappointed in Mike Vick’s career so far or pleasantly surprised he hasn’t shot anyone or developed a drug habit. As far as I know.”
Prediction: 8-8
Week 1 pick: Lose to CAR

New Orleans Saints
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Finally their image has changed – but it changed from ‘The Official Team of Bad Luck’ to ‘The Official Team of Really, Really Fucking Bad Luck’.”
“I like Drew Brees and think he’s healthy enough, but when your head coach’s calling card is that Jim Fassel stripped him of his play-calling duties when he made that stupid, canned ‘pushing-all-my-chips-into-the-center-of-the-table’ speech, that’s really just not good.”
Prediction: 5-11
Week 1 pick: Lose to CLE


NFC EAST
Dallas Cowboys
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Boy, is Michael Irvin gonna be insufferable on TV if Terrell Owens is any good. Tommy Jackson might have to beat his ass. Either way, I’m gonna have to have a belt of scotch to watch the pregame show on ESPN.”
“I saw some paperwork over at Valley Ranch the other day, and you are not gonna believe this: Jerry Jones’ real first name is Jerrel. I mean, can you fuckin’ believe that? Isn’t that Darrell Green’s daughter’s name?”
Prediction: 10-6
Week 1 pick: Beat JAX

Philadelphia Eagles
SCOUT’S TAKE: “If Joe Banner holds a press conference and says, ‘don’t look for this team to contend until 2008,’ boy, watch out for these guys.”
“People seem split on whether Stallworth will be a big upgrade for this offense, but I think it’s obvious: if the Saints gave him away, then he’s gonna be great.”
“Their schedule until the bye week is so easy, no one’s gonna know if the Eagles are really any good – including the Eagles.”
Prediction: 10-6 (AFC Wild Card)
Week 1 pick: Beat HOU

Washington Redskins
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Here’s what their preseason was like, as best as I can figure: remember Pee-Wee Herman crashing his bike in front of the crowd of kids and then picking himself up and saying, ‘I *meant* to do that”?
“When was the last time you saw Mark Brunell throw two decent passes in a row?”
(Note: this was an actual scout’s quote from the Sports Illustrated NFL Preview issue.)
“Wait… Jason Campbell is black? Oh, man, this team is more screwed than I thought!”
Prediction: 8-8
Week 1 pick: Beat MIN

New York Giants
SCOUT’S TAKE: “Tom Coughlin’s a good coach, but not for this bag of mixed nuts. You know who I’d like to see coaching this team? Dusty Baker.”
“This team is like the Cowboys in that they’re loaded with talent but it could all blow up. But they’re not as entertaining as the Cowboys, as far as all the dysfunction goes.”
“I went on a diet this offseason – for me to eat anything, it had to be small enough to fit between Michael Strahan’s front teeth.”
Prediction: 6-10
Week 1 pick: Lose to IND

-------------
Bonus Worthless (and by worthless, I mean really, really worthless) Postseason Picks:
NFC Championship: Tampa Bay def. Seattle
AFC Championship: Cincinnati def. Denver
Your World Champions: The Wild-Card Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Believe it!

Then, on to a summer of jerkoff Longhorns fans claiming they loved Chris Simms all along. I can’t wait.

Oh, yes I can.

WEEK ONE, Bitches

Who's going to win? The Monsters or the Boulders!?! Who cares, cause its...

FOOTBALL TIME!!!!

Hello fellow football fanatics, and welcome to Matty's First Semi-Annual Football Pool (poop!)! on the interweb! Its week one, finally, and that means its time to start to think about which teams you think might win some games this year. Without further ado, here are this week's games, followed by some ado:

Thursday, Sept. 7
Miami at Pittsburgh

Sunday, Sep. 10
Atlanta at Carolina
Baltimore at Tampa Bay
Buffalo at New England
Cincinnati at Kansas City
Denver at St. Louis
New Orleans at Cleveland
N.Y. Jets at Tennessee
Philadelphia at Houston
Seattle at Detroit
Chicago at Green Bay
Dallas at Jacksonville
San Francisco at Arizona
Indianapolis at N.Y. Giants

Monday, Sep. 11
Minnesota at Washington
San Diego at Oakland

As this week includes a Thursday game, I'll need your picks by Thursday afternoon. You can just cut and paste the schedule above into an email and send it to matthew.kory@gmail.com. Please include "Week one picks" in the subject heading. Remember to indicate in some way who you think will win each game (your predicted score doesn't matter, please don't send it to me) and what the total number of points will be for the Monday night game. As there are two Monday night games for this week, please send me the total number of points for the second listed game, SD @ Oak.

For future reference, if there is a tie for the week, the tiebreaker will be the person who comes closest to the total number of points scored in the Monday night game without going over. Thats, without going over! If SD beats OAK 14-7, thats 21 total points scored. If someone picks 22 points for that game, they went over, and... well, you get it I hope.

So as to be completely above board with this, I will post my picks on this site by Thursday afternoon (if not sooner) as well. Feel free to take a look at them. They will hopefully be posted under the comments section each week, but if I can't get that to work then I'll do it as a separate post.

Each week I'll compile the results after the Monday night games are through, and post the results here on this site, hopefully by Tuesday afternoon.

So, take a look at those games, and email your picks to matthew.kory@gmail.com by Thursday afternoon!

Good luck and send in those picks!